Television has always had its share of out-there plots, weird characters and completely unbelievable moments. I got to thinking, what would it be like if someone my age had never gone to school, but instead had been raised by watching TV. Here are a few of the ways he might believe the world works.
The A-Team
36. I learned that it is possible to fire millions of rounds of ammo and throw several thousand grenades over the course of several years and never actually hit anybody with a bullet or wound anyone with flying shrapnel.
35. I learned that it is possible to afford said ammo and grenades without holding down a regular job and without charging half of the people who hire you for your mercenary services because they are too poor to pay you for it.
34. I learned that if you are a bad guy it is never a good idea to lock the A-Team into a garage well stocked with sheet metal and acetylene torches.
33. I learned that you can turn your regular old cargo van into an assault van (non-lethal, of course) with a ceiling fan, some plywood and a couple of wood screws.
32. I learned that being certifiably insane doesn’t necessarily preclude you from getting a helicopter pilot’s license.
31. I learned that large, scary men who are afraid of flying can be easily (and repeatedly) tricked into drinking drugged milk so that you can get them on an airplane.
MacGyver
30. I learned that guns don’t solve anything, but that highly explosive bombs made out of light bulbs, duct tape and various household cleaners do.
29. I learned that Richard Dean Anderson is about the only person in the world who looks cool wearing a mullet.
28. I learned that being an environmental activist and driving a gas-guzzling Jeep are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
The Dukes of Hazzard
27. I learned that hot women in short shorts can make boys as young as 6 feel a little funny in their nether regions.
26. I learned that Deputy Enos’ parents hated him. Why else would they have named him Enos?
25. I learned that mayoral corruption is a lucrative business, as evidenced by the vast number of squad cars Boss Hogg had to buy over the years.
24. I learned that they make really heavy duty shock absorbers and car frames down in Hazzard County, for every vehicle except police cars.
23. I learned that Uncle Jesse must have had a ton of brothers, seeing as how Bo, Luke, Daisy and the two guys who filled in for Bo and Luke for a while were all cousins to each other, but none of them were Uncle Jesse’s kids and all of them had the last name of Duke.
22. I learned that, apparently, all of Uncle Jesse’s brothers (and their wives) were either short-lived or they (and their wives) were deadbeat parents, because none of them ever made an appearance in Hazzard County.
21. I learned that distilling and smuggling moonshine is a good, clean way to bond with your relatives.
Knight Rider
20. I learned that it is socially acceptable for a straight man to wear eye makeup as long as he drives a talking Trans Am.
19. I learned that if you ever own a talking car, never buy one with a British accent because no matter what it says it will always sound condescending.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
18. I learned that in the future no one will ever need to use the bathroom.
17. I learned that at some point between the time of Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Jean Luc Picard the Klingons experienced some sort of horrible accident which caused their entire race to develop large ridges in their noses and foreheads.
Happy Days
16. I learned that it is never a good idea to jump a shark on waterskis, even if you are wearing a leather jacket at the time. It’s not about safety people, it’s about ludicrousness.
15. I learned that it isn’t creepy at all (or illegal for that matter) for a man in his thirties to have sex with numerous high school girls, as long as he is able to start up a jukebox by snapping his fingers.
14. I learned that Mr. Miyagi’s first name is actually Arnold, and that before he taught martial arts to a certain baby-faced 30-year old who still lived with his mother, he was a restaurant owner/short-order cook.
Magnum P.I.
13. I learned that it is possible for a man to effectively fight crime while wearing extremely small (some might say testicle-endangeringly small) shorts, flip-flops and a baseball cap.
12. I learned that it is possible to have a mustache and leave your shirt unbuttoned to the navel, exposing your hairy chest in all its Selleck-y glory and not look like a washed up, 70′s era porno actor.
The Cosby Show
11. I learned that if you make enough money, you can wear whatever ugly sweaters you want to without being mocked by anyone.
10. I learned that it is possible for previously unmentioned Huxtable children to suddenly show up after several seasons, without any kind of credible explanation as to where they’ve been, nor any indication of some kind of past family squabbles that would have kept them away for so long.
9. I learned that it is possible, though rare, for really young sitcom children to be funny and cute without crossing over into sickly sweet and annoying…although that got screwed up when they brought Raven-Symone onto the show.
8. I learned that hilarity will ensue if you have dangerously high cholesterol, but you ignore it and frequently sneak massive hoagies and potato chips when your wife isn’t around.
Little House On The Prairie
7. I learned what the word “bastard” means. Absolutely true story: Having heard “bastard” used on “Little House On The Prairie” I figured it wasn’t a bad word so I jokingly called my little brother that at the dinner table in front of my mother and she almost fainted. When she had composed herself, she grilled me about where I had heard that word and then explained to me what it meant. Darn you Michael Landon for getting me in trouble and making me learn something in the process!
6. I learned that I should avoid any and all blonde girls named Nellie, as well as their mothers.
5. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.
Cheers
4. I learned that it is possible to sit at the end of a bar for ten years, while drinking copious amounts of beer and never have to pay your tab. [JFrater would like anyone who knows where this bar really exists to email him the street address]
3. I learned that owning/operating a bar is the best thing a recovering alcoholic can do on his road to sobriety.
2. I learned that Woody probably wasn’t as dumb as he seemed; he was just stoned out of his mind most of the time.
1. I learned that leaving one of the all-time greatest, most popular and most critically acclaimed sitcoms in television history to star in “Troop Beverly Hills” is not the smartest of career moves.
Contributor: Matt
I learned that America needs to be more like the Waltons and less like the Simpsons!
Also from ST:TNG- there will sadly never be a cure for male pattern baldness, but the former Shakespearean actors can still be damn *****y in the meantime.
#17 was covered in TNG. Someone asked Warf about the differences and he responded by saying, “It’s not something We talk about.”
On another note, I never finished high school. Never even got my equivalency. However, as a “stupid” American, I know that Our educational system is screwed and that with the right focus and enough Discovery channel and other Truly educational programing you can be mistaken for a college(university) dropout. This is not something I suggest you try. The culture that My Country is encouraging will only lead you to bad habits and the moronic ability to forget where you are on a world map. Don’t be stupid, learn a trade. I have the remarkable talent of being able to fix almost anything. Just ask my HIGHLY educated “Girlfriend”, who would leave me at the drop of a hat if I ever did anything even resembling lack of commonsense. Weed out the bull***** the television feeds you and make your Curriculum. Get smart or get out of the Gene pool.
I learned that knowing is half the battle!
COLUMBO
I learn u could where a creapy mac all the time and have a pervy voice and not be questioned all the time
(well untill the other day whn someone saw me in the bushes)
I learned that we need more sensible and mature list in 2008.
I learned that when a group of people sit around a table, they crowd together around three sides of it, leaving one side empty. (the side toward the camera)
Dukes of Hazzard:
I’ve learned that no matter how many times you crash a car 30 minutes later it is automatically fixed.
I’ve learned that the police will always fail at catching you because they don’t know how to drive.
Never watched Knightrider — but I don’t think “Kit” was supposed to be British. William Daniels has a pronounced Bostonian accent that sorta, kinda, maybe sounds British.
Late O’Day- but you wouldn’t know that if you didn’t go to school…lol.
#17 was explained in Star Trek: Enterprise. Klingons have always had ridges. They experimented with genetically engineered humans, injecting something into themselves that would make them stronger, but at the cost of making their ridges vanish. This was apparently contagious, but a cure was obviously found in the few years between the end of the Original Trek and Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
In that Episode of Enterprise( an incredibly bad show), the said virus was also cured and didn’t spread past the infected areas. The “Something” was genetic material from a military experiment from the Original Star Trek. Anyone who knows the story of Khan would know that the origin of the genetic modifications, remnants of Dr. Sungs(Creater of Data in TNG) earliest experiments. Technically, what you saw in that Series of episodes where no more than Human-Klingon hybreds.
The Klingon ridge question was also raised in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine when the crew of the Defiant was flung back in time to Kirk’s ship in the “Trials and Tribble-ations” episode. When the crew members saw the old Klingons without ridges and asked Worf about it, he of course just responded “We do not discuss it with outsiders”…
Good to know it was explained in Enterprise, which I don’t watch…
Dragon, thank you, something just didn’t feel right about the timing.
this was a cool list…funny
I would like to see a modern day list like this
I learned you can make a brother/son disappear after one season with no explanation. Chuck the Cunninghams college going son. Older brother to Ritchie and Joanie.
For Crimanon’s edification, the name is Worf, not Warf. Never finished high school, or even received an equivalency? Who would have guessed?
Forgot to mention the show which most of you know Happy Days.
Speaking of Happy Days, reminds me of the obvious lack of asian actors (like Pat Morita) in hollywood (which was the way it was back then for minorites with exceptions) as the same actors(like Mako)kept showing up in Mash episodes playing different characters.
I learned that if you run out of gas, moonshine can be used instead. I also learned that older ladies in Miami still get freaky!
Awesome list, Matt. Ahh, the 80s . . . gotta love’em! 
lee: ***** off, even Einstein(a dropout) got it wrong occasionally, this isn’t ebaumsworld, don’t trash talk someone you don’t know.
lol@ #5
I was born in ’88, but I learned that “The Wonder Years” are the formative years in your youth when you can look back through your life…with wonder.
To whom it may concern–or to the uninformed:
At the age of 17, Albert Einstein graduated from high school in Aarau, Switzerland in 1896, having withdrawn from high school in Munich the previous year when his family moved from that city. He received in 1900 his undergraduate degree in physics from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, and in 1905 his PhD from the University of Zurich. A dropout? Hardly.
Wonderfully written list..
I learned that almost everyone has a secret twin, who is usually evil or stupid, and all of your friends and family will instantly believe everything they say and do.
I loved this list, and some of these were kinda true, lol, but this one:
“I learned that it is possible to have a mustache and leave your shirt unbuttoned to the navel, exposing your hairy chest in all its Selleck-y glory and not look like a washed up, 70’s era *****o actor.”
FALSE. You will look like a *****o actor, I don’t care who you are. =p
I am inclined to agree with Kelsi
CHiP’s :
-i learned that when two police officers are partnered together, they will almost always have opposite character traits and will get on each other’s nerves, but can still have fun roller-skating or hang-gliding.
-i learned that there is always at least one really hot, usually blonde, female officer on the force.
-i learned that a motorcycle crash almost never leads to death but almost always leads to a drama inducing coma.
Punky Brewster:
-i learned that little girls grow up, sometimes drastically. giggidy
In General:
-everybody has an idiot neighbor
-there will always be someone in your life that can lead you to great trouble with drugs, prompting a “very special episode”.
-no matter how big your problem is, it will usually be solved in less than a half-hour.
-divorces and deaths in the family rarely happen.
lmfao. giggidy.
Jfrater, you are my hero.
I learned that nobody ever needs to go to the bathroom.
To all: Thanks! I’m glad you liked my list (for the most part). ;o)
To JFrater: Thanks for publishing it. I feel honored.
)
Oh yeah, and in movies and TV, if a character sneezes or coughs, and it hasn’t been shown that they just have a cold, that character is going to die very soon.
i learned that you can have a conversation about someone in the room with you and they will not necessarily hear what you are saying if you don’t want them to.
Lee: For all intent and purposes, Einstein is considered a high school drop-out. He may have finished high school and earned a degree later on, but there was a time when he did not finish one of his high school years. Hence drop-out.
Also noted drop-outs are Thomas Edison (public school), Henry Ford, the Wright brothers, Quentin Taratino, Bill Gates, and I’m sure there are many more that I am forgetting.
Higher education is meant to be used as a tool to gain knowledge — but is not necessary to lead a happy and successful life. And really, Lee, there’s no need to be condenscending just because you know what “edification” means, or can spout off dates. Anyone can “google” these days, after all.
Get off your high horse, will you, and enjoy the website.
In 1894, when Einstein was fifteen, his father’s business failed, and the Einstein family moved to Italy, first to Milan and then, after a few months, to Pavia. During this time, Albert wrote his first scientific work, “The Investigation of the State of Aether in Magnetic Fields”.[9] Albert had been left behind in Munich to finish high school, but in the spring of 1895, he withdrew to join his family in Pavia, convincing the school to let him go by using a doctor’s note. wikipedia reference, because right now I don’t care. not only did he drop out, He Got A Fake Note!!! Come over to my place and we can talk Quantum Physics over a 3 month dry aged steak with a vodka mushroom sauce. Intelligence and culinary skills. ***** off and can it with that high school Holier-than-Thou Bull*****. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ll cut you off at the knees and eat your horse.
Lee: Join the group Then talk trash.
Sorry, don’t get any of this, I was born in the 90′s. :S
The one thing I learned from watching television in the eighties was:
“From you Dad! I learned it from watching you!”
Dum guy: Yes! That commercial is soooo bad it’s good!
“5. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.”
LMAO.
As for #23, you don’t live in the South, do you?
I learned that people can wake up and not worry about morning breath, bed hair induced hairstyles and a morning glory.
I learned that helicopters can fly faster than fighter jets and growls when it does a turn or a loop.
I learned that bathroom doors are sound proof and that they don’t have any locks on them.
When I saw the title I already started to laugh. Great idea for a list.
Haha. Another well done list. I learned that if you are a cop and you single-handedly crash more than 7 vehicles, 3 helicopters, kill 4 civilians and cause a traincrash, you do NOt have to fill out paperwork for it.
-Andrea Carlena Beauman
i learned that smurf, smurfing, or smurfie or any variation there of can replace any key words in a sentence you choose.
i also learned that watching matlock is a must because your high school chem teacher will idolize him, and you should know what she’s talking about in order to get a good grade.
and finally i learned that syndication and most of the shows on this list made for really great sick days.
@Dana #43–I live in Nashville now, but I grew up in northern Indiana.
)
I learned that whenever you are admitted into a hospital you get an oxygen tube in your nose, an I.V. tube in your arm, and you’re hooked to some sort of machine, even if you’re there for an ingrown toenail.
I learned that whenever a police car is called over the radio, it is always travelling in the opposite direction to that of the crime scene. The car will then proceed to do a u turn across a couple of lanes of traffic at high speed and tires screeching without hitting another car.
I learned that whenever a police car does any type of turn or braking the hub cap will come off.
I learned that anytime a car chase is happening, it turns out that it just recently rained.
to add on to dan ^^^
there will also be a random guy with some sort of push cart, usually fruit, crossing the street.
in this same car chase, pedestrians will become amazingly agile, able to dodge cars at the last minute.
at some point during the chase, an oblivious mom will try to cross the street with her baby in a stroller. upon seeing the car, she will not react like the other ninja-like pedestrians. she will begin screaming and cover the baby carriage.
Crimanon (post #12): Here is an excerpt from the Star Trek wiki, Memory Alpha (which uses only reliable sources for citation):
With the help of a Klingon scientist named Antaak, Dr. Phlox of the Earth starship Enterprise was able to formulate a cure that halted the genetic effects of the virus in the first stage. This retained the changes in appearance along with some minor neural re-ordering. The neural ordering caused changes in the emotional make up of the Klingons. For example, the infected started to feel fear. Even though the infected did not develop any stage-two characteristics, such as enhanced strength, speed, or endurance they did not die from it. This left millions of Klingons changed. These alterations were even passed on to their children.
Best List Ever!!!
5. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.
Best Line Ever!!!
Yes, but that wasn't confined to the time period mentioned here. A few years earlier, we were watching female Mouseketeers turn into Mousekebabes. Oh, Doreen!!! Oh, Annette!!!
-Female starship crewmembers will invariably be total babes. They will also dress accordingly, though males will not be required to wear as skimpy a uniform.
-The 1980s were distinguished by the unprecedented numbers of cute black children available for white middle-class people to adopt.
-If they can tell a joke, all fat, plain-looking guys will snare great-looking spouses.
-The mother on the Cosby Show knew everything, and knew she knew everything. We’re not worthy.
-Schoolteachers and lecturers are always caught out by the sudden end of the class, and must continue to issue instructions over the departing students’ hubbub.
-Only ‘quirky’ cops solve crimes. Ordinary-looking ones just wait around, make comments or do paperwork.
-If you have two bionic legs and a bionic arm, you can prevent a helicopter from taking off simply by holding onto it.
11. I learned that if you make enough money, you can wear whatever ugly sweaters you want to without being mocked by anyone.
lmao
That good guys drive shiny new Ford cars while bad guys drive old Dodges.
[This message was sponsored by the FORD MOTOR COMPANY, have you driven a Ford lately?]
LOL ok i have an idea for a list for your website. The top ten most addictive websites. And this one would be number 1.
I just found this site three or four days ago and I love it.
I have spent hours and hours here already!!!
What have you done to me?????
I learned from Greg Brady that you could screw both Marsha and Mrs. Brady.
Great List! Thanks
bucslim: Who wouldn’t? The mum from the Partidge Family was a definitive MILF, too. BTW, that same show taught us that little 10-year-olds can sit behind a drum kit, fiddling distractedly with the sticks and yet produce a beat worthy of a seasoned professional.