Mark Twain is, undoubtedly, one of the greatest writers in US history, and he is also well known for his rapier wit and brilliant quotes. This is a list of 20 dazzling quotes by Mark Twain.
1. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
2. An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.
3. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
5. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
6. Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
7. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
8. Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.
9. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
10. I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.
11. I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
12. I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
13. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
14. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
15. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
16. Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
17. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
18. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
19. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
20. We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.
























I would enjoy a top 10 list of idiots who got to be the prime Minister of UK, something along those lines JFrater
Great gut, Twain.
I mean, “great guy.”
Great list! Twains such an awesome guy. I wish I could be that witty, then more people would listen to me.
“Write a witty saying and your name will live forever” – anonymous.
I would have been number 4, but someone doesn’t know how to spell or at least they have a thing for the numbers 2 and 3.
no. 15 hangs on my wall!!
“Write a witty saying and your name will live forever” – anonymous.
haha, tragic.
I’ve seen no. 15 being attributed to Abraham Lincoln in the past?? It’s also been said that Twain has had many quotes attributed to himswlf which he never said so how do we know who said what?
Some great lines there tho!!
Great list, just the thing for a Monday morning. One of my favorites:
“Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute.”
Dont we allready have this list?
Awesome, I love Mark Twain.
Took me until forever to actual get one of his books and read it, but I loved it. Then again, I could have hated his book and still thought he was great.
does the adventures of mark twain have anything to do with this mark twain? if so it does take away from these witty quotes!
Great list – the pen is mightier than the sword.
jfrater: There’s already a Mark Twain quotes list!!!!!!!!!
http://listverse.com/people/20-great-mark-twain-quotes/
…
good one jfrater! very interesting list
ha! I’ve never heard number 3 in any context.
Love it…
Kreachure: yeh, I immeadiately thought the same.. But, hey. there’s nothing wrong with 40 great quotes by S.L.C., is there? It’s just that the title should propably read “Another….” like previous continued-lists on this site.
BTW, I seem to break the rule of #15 practically with every comment I make on List Universe.!
Poor Mark Twain. He and Ben Franklin get blamed for all sorts of silly things they never said.
Did I mention how much I am disappointed by the pop-up ad I get whenever I visit this site?
Well I will now. Very disappointing.
He was a guru in his era – and still is – nice list.
A witty saying proves nothing
I love Mark Twain! I have simply pages and pages of wonderful things he said.
22.Mongoose, witty sayings alone prove nothing. Luckily, Twain was smart enough to write several brilliant novels and handfuls of wonderful shortstories to prove his greatness.
20. Wally, change your browser to Firefox and you’ll eliminate popups and popunders immediately.
“It aint what we dont know that gets us into trouble, its what we know for sure, that just aint so”
-Twain…
this ones my fav
I thought this was already a list.
yeah i am also getting dejavu about this list
Another American treasure to the world.
You need to change the header for this list to “ANOTHER” 20 Great quotes of Mark Twain.
One of my favorite old-time writers.
Mark Twain’s quotes are simply the best. They never fail to make me smile. Another entertaining list!
i love reading list iv already read………. cough sarcasm cough
People are being rude today.
James et all:
It’s not the same list. There is another Twain quotes list. It was a contribution by Anon and not a Jfrater list. It has different quotes on it. Ergo…new day, new list. Stop complaining. Eesh.
Okay – Callie is right – the lists are different – the fault was me forgetting to put “more” in the title of this list – which I have now done
15. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
That one is credited to a number of people, from Lincoln to Groucho.
wise
genius
nice list..
another source of quotes for my DTR.
hehehe..
only quote thats gonna save your ass when you mess up is clearly.
“Dingo Took My Baby”
gets em everytime
Great list, my favourite is definitely #9
I wrote the other list, and I have no problem with another. Well done!
Another great list, I love Twain. I’d say some of the commentors could benefit from practicing number 15 though.
theres plenty more amazing quotes still not mentioned
go to heaven for the climate hell for the company
that is him, isnt it?
Sounds like a typical, pompous, american ***** to me.
You make a great arguement, judgmental dumbass.
Oh Nobba I’m sure he really thought highly of the French, for whatever reason I do not know. The thing about liberals is they can make fun of themselves but no one else can.
“Abstinence cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my enthusiasm for it I often abstain from abstinence altogether.” Didn’t reinvent the wheel but I liked it.
And yes, it is a Mark Twain exerpt.
this guy sold crack to kids people !
mark twain is one wierd guy
Mark Twain is pretty neat-o burrito…
And he kind of looks like a thin Colonel Sanders… So he’s got that.
Lizzie,
Yeah, No. 15 always seems a little too close to home to be comfortable. What’s the old poker saying? “If, after the first five minutes, you don’t know who the fool at the table is, it’s you”
Speaking of pertinent – No. 16 reminded me of the hedge fund manager Andrew Lahde’s recent farewell letter.
See http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2008/oct/18/banking-useconomy or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Lahde
Nobba-that ain`t a nice thing to say about us true pompus American *****s.
Most humble apologies, bigski. Good to see someone with a sense of humour.
And to you, #41. Why so hostile? Lighten up, Francis. Oh, and I believe it’s argument.
Wish Twain was still alive, to give us more sensible gems of advise!!!!!
advice??? I mean
LOL AT THE TIME MY COMMENTS ARE POSTED ON THIS SITE ACCORDING TO YOU!!. OOps didn’t mean to shout.
In Australia its 8.17pm now.
Hello to all the American & European night owls!!!
Who’s funeral was he refering to?
“Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life”
Perfectly said.
I resent quote 2. ***** you, Twain.
56. romerozombie: Twain’s dead. He’s hasn’t been *****ing anyone for a very long time.
57. segue: NEWSFLASH! This just in…
That’s what I thought.
ha, this is great! Twain was quite the character…thanks for this!