It has been a while since we had a “vanity” post. The previous ones have been in honor of such important things as my birthday, but this time we will let the light shine on you – the commenters. The best thing about this list is that the items were chosen by our readers and they were all made by our readers. So how did this happen? On the forums, astraya decided to start a thread of all time funniest listverse comments. Six pages later we have a nice selection. I have gathered together ten of them to present here – and if this is a popular list I will do more in future.
Original List: Your View: What is the worst human invention?
longball: the womans vibrator
Saffa: So you have no problem with a man’s vibrator?
Original List: Top 10 Bizarre Medical Anomalies
List Item 1: Diphallia is a condition in which a male is born with two penises.
Baxter: I wish I had diphallia. Triphallia is a bitch.
Original List: Top 10 Books Of All Time
[JFrater: Next time you think I am not a tolerant moderator, remember this conversation - kiwiboi is my brother - making this a particularly personal discussion.]
bucslim: Holy shit! Isn’t it one of the signs of the apocalypse when Randall and I are on the same side?
kiwiboi: bucslim – maybe you guys oughta get a room…
bucslim: I will, just as soon as I’m done with your Mom.
kiwiboi: Huh ? You mean you’ve finished with yours already ??
bucslim: She’s ok, but not as good as your sister.
kiwiboi: Maybe…but at least your dad says you’re still as tight as a little pink drum
bucslim: He said that after he was done with you.
Randall: amateurs.
Randall: see now, “tight as a little pink drum” is funny.
kiwiboi: Aw c’mon bucslim…you need to be more inventive than that. For example, I could say to you that the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand tore through the toilet paper
bucslim: No, the last time I got a piece of ass was with your sister.
Original List: Top 15 Movies About High School
Mortivore: @bucslim: Wow. You seriously just made my day. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. Of course, I spent my day making funeral arrangements for my recently deceased grand mother … But still.
Original List: Top 10 Major League Pitchers
jajdude: Curveballed guns on the list – baseball is my favorite remedy for insomnia and preventing premature ejacs yo.
jfrater: jajdude: I constantly hope that one day I will understand your comments
Iain: Actually JF – that was one of JAJs more comprehensible comments – to paraphrase – ‘Baseball is so boring it can send you to sleep and thinking about it during sex can prevent ejaculation.” – and I tend to agree.
Original List: Top 10 Major League Pitchers
Enoooo: I’m sure most Americans think European sports are dumb/boring.
segue: … Rugby is catching on. My younger daughter started playing 10 years ago, became a hooker, and now, a prop. She also coaches youth rugby.
bucslim: segue, sorry to hear about your daughter becoming a hooker. One piece of advice, I’m not sure you want her coaching rugby to youngsters. When the other parents find out what she does for extra cash, they might not be too happy about it.
segue: @bucslim: Silly boy.
Original List: Your View: Should Creationism Be Taught In Schools?
Anon: @Kaye “I believe people chose evolution over cheation …”
Some of us go the whole hog and spell it ‘cheating’, Kaye.
Original List: 10 Books That Changed America
Randall: Are we going to argue about contemporary poetry? Please. I haven’t the time. Poetry, after all, is a dead form. No one reads it and only academics are writing it (and pretentious types, who as always write crap, and never go away).
Cheeshygirl: @Randall – “(and pretentious types, who as always write crap, and never go away).”
So, you’ve started writing poetry?
Original List: Your View: Should Creationism Be Taught In Schools?
Kerra: Anon, You give the average high school student far too much intellectual credit. They are no inquisitive and curious. Their hormones rule almost their every action, and if its not hormones its hunger.
Anon: Kerra, Thanks. I’m greatly relieved to hear that. Saves everyone a lot of time [and] trouble. Seems we might shove Creationism out of the curric[ulum] reckoning and give sex education and lunch hour a bit more time instead then! Hohoho.
segue: Anon, you left out the comma between sex and education.
Original List: Top 10 Fascinating Facts That Are Wrong
JayArr: Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
I solte tihs form teh itneernt.
Anon: amishtlnbasintdiiariatsesenm
lo: anon – antidisastablismentarianism?
lo: i meant antidisestablishmentarianism, of course
swampsnake: Anon: oh that was good i almost pseisd myself
Contributors: The forum regulars
Nice.
Won’t be long before we can make our own derivative of bash.
Hey all, it’s Yarr! It’s been a while.
classic, anything jajdude or bucs say always makes me crackup..fresh list fer sure. Mexecution! Where you at bro?
Gotta love this site, it gives me an excuse to not do what I’m supposed to be doing (homework, coursework etc.)
Man this list is pure genius. I can’t say I can’t disagree with you guys!!!!
bucslim 118.
“No, I’m a little Listverse *****. I spend all my waking hours waiting to ***** on everything like Gramps with a fresh supply of Flomax. Either that or I’m researching other people’s typo’s just so I can make fun of them. I know, it’s a sad and pathetic life, but this is something I’m compelled to do.”
That’s the ONLY way to get on this particular list, buddy. Keep up the good work.
segue, (121),
Ohhhhhhhhhh dear! So sorry.
Well, they do say LV is an insiders’ club …
Possible fence-mending suggestion. Why not just copy out your two entries, sans pics, and send to him again?
Well, I had always hoped secretly that a list like this would come about one day.
How about ” The Top 10 devastating punchlines by Randall” as the next list?
Me? Immortalised in a Listverse list? I’m truly honoured!
128. Anon: Great minds etc… I did just that. He laughed and laughed. The missing comma was his personal fav.
Hilarious! I needed this! The worst human invention comment is classic!
Shyne: Actually we need a “The Top 10 Randall Comebacks for those Morons who argue with him”
and I just love bucslim’s comments!
133. oouchan : I completely agree!!
None of these were funny at all. You all have terrible senses of humor. You should have put something about hollowing out babies to transport drugs or something. Now that’s a stitch.
…says the nihilist.
I liked number 10 and 9
Lol, these were great.
@95 Slick Willy: Thank you for that…
Also one of my proudest (LV) days … when Randall wrote “one of the best lists ever” – on my list!
Jajdude- Hope you are feeling better
Food poisoning sucks
@buclim
you are hilarious mother*****er
bucslim: I knew it was you, but didn’t want to identify you in public as someone with no life whatsoever. If, on the other hand, you want to identify yourself in public as someone with no life whatsoever, then go ahead. Oh, you already have.
In the last 50 or so hours, I have attended a school staff dinner, caught a high-speed train to a regional city, attended a party, caught another high-speed train back, gone to two islands off the west coast, seen two temples and a church and taken I don’t know how many photos, which I now have to sort, so I’ve come here to procrastinate.
And I’ve got two new lists to read.
meh.
astraya is busy!
Haha, Im loving it. Bucslim makes me larrff
Very, very late in the day, I’m afraid:
“Diphallia is a condition in which a male is born with two penises.
Baxter: I wish I had diphallia. Triphallia is a *****.”
… unless you’re trimanual.
I would try that Anon, but my penises didn’t come with a manual.
Baxter, (147),
That wasn’t very handy then.
Baxter, (147),
“… my penises didn’t come with a manual.”
Don’t worry, squire. Nor did anyone’s. It usually happens automatically the first time around as a wet dream.
I think some of the comments on this list should be added to the funniest comments
(True story) An elderly woman in a church choir once said “My husband is tri*****ual. He’ll try anything.”
Nietzsche wasn’t nihilist… do some reading.
Be more honest. Some believe he *was* a nihilist. And he is credited for bringing the term and the contemporary meaning into the common lexicon, at any rate. Plus, it was a joke.
@ 150. I think that’s what everyone’s trying to do.
Davo 154.
“@ 150. I think some of the comments on this list should be added to the funniest comments
I think that’s what everyone’s trying to do.”
Nah, mate. We’re putting in early competetive bids for the next one. Not very subtle, is it?
Yeah, to be fair I think every comment on this list is pretty much excempt from the next “funny comments” list… but it’s nice to have people trying anyway!
I thought everyone knew this… you know, the thing about not reproaching nihilism only to hasten its ultimate departure. It’s not a matter of belief, he was not nihilist. He declared himself an “immoralist.”
*shrugs* Right on. You learn something new everyday.
I like how you can apply the vibrator to any part of the body. Everyone likes variety, I suppose.
Makes me wonder what they REALLY use when you go to a Spa to get a *****…
*cringe*
158. SlickWilly, maybe he wasn´t technically a nihilist but now he sounds like a grouchy old fart with no sense of humor
Ah, why pass such ignorant judgment? You’ve clearly never read his appreciation of aesthetic beauty, he actually found things enjoyable, just not ***** and life, haha.
no, no, no!
i cant remember whose comment it was, but it was on the list about “things you didnt know about *****ography” where someone said: “its no fun being an old man if you can’t put dirty in front of it.” that may not be the exact quote either, but its at least close and a hell of a lot funnier than number 3.
Cernunnos: That would have been Anon. I’m still laughing about that too.
Cernunnos (162) & & Crimanon (163),
You’re both too kind for your bonus or honorable mention. As I recall, you have the quote spot on. Being included in three quotes of the topic is greedy enough as it is. Given a personal choice of three though, I might have subbed my DOM quote for Nº4 (‘cheating’ for the typo ‘cheation’), even if the latter is a tad more subtle.
Actually, pace Randall – the victim, and yourself, Curnunnos, I find Cheesie’s quote Nº3 wonderfully sharp. It’s definitely my joint fave.
Baxter,
Returning to the third hand. Material here is sourced from a variety of topics. I’m therefore reminded of entry Nº6 in
“The plantaris muscle is used by animals in gripping and manipulating objects with their feet – something you see with apes who seem to be able to use their feet as well as their hands.”
Sorry. accidentally submitted before finishing. Hold the page!
Baxter,
Here we go again:
Returning to the third hand. Material here is sourced from a variety of topics. I’m therefore reminded of entry Nº6 in Signs Of Evolution In Modern Man:
“The plantaris muscle is used by animals in gripping and manipulating objects with their feet – something you see with apes who seem to be able to use their feet as well as their hands.”
That revives a mental image of a natural history docu on chimpanzee social behaviour. An adolescent chimpanzee was pictured with an *****, and also peeling and eating a fruit. Onto the scene arrived a pair of experienced adults and set about their regular early morning, pre-prandial, social coupling. Observing this, junior began to masturbate vigorously with one of his prehensile feet whilst continuing to peel and eat the fruit with his two hands. So much simultaneous sensuous pleasure!
Anon: its not that i didnt find number 3 funny, i just didnt find it funny enough to be among the top entries. and i also feel it was kind of a cheap shot that any regular reader could have made.
and you dont have to excuse your bestial urges by pretending it was a documentary, you are fooling no one you dirty old man.
personally i think number 7 should be much higher as well.
Cernunnos,
“… it was kind of a cheap shot that any regular reader could have made”
Vox pop., dear boy, vox pop. Pour encourager les autres.
riight.. so.. whenever you feel like making sense, i’m all ears.
170. Cernunnos
“riight.. so.. whenever you feel like making sense, i’m all ears.”
You LISTEN to type? Wow!
Catching on to figurative speech is a talent not all have…
Nº2, ‘segue’s comma’ reminds me of a T-shirt a friend used to sport. He bought it during a visit to the U.S., so its joke may be totally familiar to Americans, in which case apologies for the unnecessary repeat.
It featured a cartoon drawing of a randy rodent, perhaps a beaver, but whose name I forget. The legend accompanying it said: “It sleeps, eats roots, shoots and leaves.”
If you place an extra comma, it changes the entire meaning of the second half of the sentence: “It sleeps, eats, roots, shoots and leaves.”
Some Australian blokes are referred to by their girlfriends as “wombats” ie he eats roots and leaves. In a slightly tamer version involving a panda, it was told by Lynn Truss in the introduction of her book “Eats, Shoots and Leaves”.
This really belongs under “Signs of Evolution”, but I’ll say it here, cause it’s kinda relevant. Years ago I saw an ad in a music magazine for a t-shirt with the inscription “Bach’s Organ Works”. On the back it says “and so does mine”. I wanted to buy one, but one of my sisters heaped sarcasm on the idea.
astraya,
Oh yes. That would have made the perfect coda to the theme and variations we improvised over at SOE.
Been there, done that, but you DIDN’T get the T-shirt? You should have bought it. (Plus one for me.)
I have the book, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves”. It’s a pretty amusing little volume, but not terribly accurate in all of it’s grammar usage lessons.
Yaeh the lsit is ralely fnuny.
I esepiclaly lkie the ietm no. 1. Prtety mcuh dinog it msylef.
Mkeas me wnoedr why speilnlg is all taht imoptrnat. Rgiht?
I ocne was a speilnlg cahmp in shocol for trhee cnoesucitve yraes but I lsot tihs yaer. It’s ralely a good tihng taht I raed tihs lsit, and it did ceher me up. I aslo got smoe good luahgs form raeindg.
Hahahhahaha…No 1!!!
lmao at no. 5
# 6 was the best use of English I’ve seen so far.
regarding #5. My daughter’s rugby team just concluded their regular season last Saturday with a final win; not just a win, but they had not been scored against during the entire season and the final game was no exception. For that final important game she was back in her hooker position, giving prop off to the less experienced woman who had been learning the hooker position (pun intended).