Today we are presenting a countdown of the 10 Action movies that truly fail to live up to their genre. These are action films that are so ridiculous, they end up being comedies. So go ahead crack open another beer, order some Chinese and check your brain in before you read on!
Lou Diamond Phillips plays Jack La Roca, a US Marshall and former Navy Seal assigned to pick up “Rabbit”, who is in the federal witness protection program but has been on the run. La Roca is to take Rabbit from Arizona to California to testify in court against some mobsters, but along the way they run into a variety of obstacles, the most serious of which are the result of La Roca’s decision to take a shortcut on Route 666. There a number of truly hilarious moments in this movie, the scene with the indian fortune teller will leave you scratching your head as will the acting!
Best Line: “I’ve got two black dogs!”
If you don’t like Stallone then this film will not change your mind! When a fashion model happens to see the ugly face of a sadistic psychopath (Brian Thompson), Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) becomes the main target of the secret “New World” society stopping at nothing to slay her. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti (Stallone), in his gun metal-gray classic Mercury, and armed with guns, knives, grenades, and firearms, is assigned to protect the statuesque blonde. The movie is violent and bloody and contains one of the most funniest car chase sequences ever filmed. The robot dance scene makes absolutely no sense what so ever, but hey I doubt the director intended this to compare to the bicycle thief!
Best Line: “I don’t deal with psychos. I put ‘em away”
So bad yet so darn good! Sometimes, you see a film that rocks your world. A film that normally you wouldn’t even pick off the shelf unless someone told you about it. Stone Cold is that film. Starring man of the day Brian ‘the Boz’ Bosworth this low budget action vehicle is one of the most fun action-flicks that I have ever seen. What’s right with it? In terms of your normal studio producer films – very little. The acting is poor, the script dreadful, continuity (especially the hysterically bad bike chase) is just atrocious and that’s just the opening few scenes. As I said – not a perfect film but a pretty damn perfect nights entertainment.
Best Line: John Stone [after beating up three would-be grocery store robbers]: You better clean up on aisle four.
Those of us who have grown up through the 80s and 90s know what qualifies for a good action movie. Bloodsport is one of those said action movies, for that is not made for the viewer to dissect characters, acting or even plot. Jean Claude Van Damme was considered one of the superstars in the Action/Adventure genre, his acting was sub par but he always delivered sequences of pure adrenaline rush with his round house kicks and the patented ‘aaahhh’ screams as he finished a foe. Enjoy watching the oscar winning performances at the moment in which Van Damme is returning his friends headband!
Best Line: Jackson: Time to separate the men from the boys.
Victor: Just be sure Chong Li doesn’t separate your head from your body.
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Tough And Deadly is, to be brutally honest, the epitome of direct to video martial arts entertainment! I can really picture the Director pitching this to the many producers he must have shown it to! “Gee I have a great idea, I’m going to take an ex wrestler and a body builder with no acting experience and fuse the two together to create an action classic.” This movie will literally leave you crying beer through your nostrils, a top secret CIA agent (Billy Blanks) loses his memory. He is befriended by an ex cop, played by former wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper. Together they get in fights about every three minutes. Blanks discovers he still has the reflexes of a killing machine, even though he doesn’t know why. The top moment for me is the work out scene, easily the most accidentally-homosexual thing committed to film! Two buffed up men on a jungle gym – they just don’t make movies like this anymore!
Best Line: John: We’re gonna cause some pain!
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This is one of those pre-Cannon sleaze-balls of a film; made back in early 1980, by James Glickenhaus. Gintry (our hero,) begins his tale in Vietnam where he and his friend are held captive by the V-Congs. The scene recalls a very dated but still grotesque and nicely done decapitation of an American POW. Of course, they escape and do away with the bad-guys. Skip to 1980, New York. Gintry and his Pal are working at a meat-packing plant, when a couple of thugs decide to loot some free-beer. The pair stumble on to them and wind up kicking their ass. Some time later, on his way home from work, the gang tracks down Gintry’s buddy and leave him brain-dead. So Gintry decides to get even. He tracks them down to an apartment where he takes them out. He then goes on to take out the rest of the city’s trash as well. Some awful acting, terrible camera work and the 1980′s at its best! What else do you want?
Best Line: Cop: “THAT WAS THE EXTERMINATOR!”
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The despicable Ramon Cota has murdered an innocent mother and child and is exporting illegal drugs into the USA. When Colonel Scott McCoy and his sworn partner attempt to bring him to court, their efforts are all in vain, as he is let off virtually Scott free. Unable to contain his rage, Scott’s buddy furiously lashes out at him in court, much to Cota’s anger. He exacts the same ritual on his wife and child as he did on the previous mother and kid. Out on a personal mission of vengeance, the buddy finds himself mercilessly killed at Cota’s hands. When an arsenal of soldiers attempt to go in and bring Cota and his army down, they are taken hostage, surely to be executed soon. McCoy leads a brigade of skydiving commandos in, along with himself, to rescue the hostages and exact violent revenge upon Cota. This is probably the last high profile movie that Norris was in, this has everything a Norris fan could wish for.
Best Line: General Taylor: I’m gonna retire after this mission.
Colonel Scot McCoy: You say that every time.
We are into the top three! And what a movie! This movie is the best comedy of all time! the funniest movies are the ones that don’t try to be and this is the perfect example. The basic plot of the movie is that a russian terrorist has plans to invade the US and NOBODY IN AMERICA except Chuck is prepared for this. This movie is awesome in ways that I cannot articulate. No… hang on… what I mean is that this film is indescribably poor, and no less enjoyable for that! The plot, such as it is, is incoherent. The editing seems to have been done by several people in different rooms and the results pasted together. The acting is soap opera at best. The action is cheap, the dialogue hokey, it makes virtually no sense and, at its best, comes off as a live-action version of Team America that’s being played straight. Movies this bad are played tongue-in-cheek these days, but for some old school, serious, rubbish action then check out Chuck’s denims (and presumably psychic terrorist locating powers) as he saves the USA by driving around Florida saying “it’s time to die” to various Russians. Delicious crap.
Best Line: Matt Hunter: [putting a grenade in Thomas hand] If you live through this…. tell Rostov, it’s time to die.
Most critics seem to have dismissed this film, like so many other Charles Bronson vehicles, as just another patchwork of mindless violence. And while there is a fair amount of mayhem, DEATH WISH 3 is not that awful of an effort, particularly for fans of the series and its star. This time out, aging Charlie’s Paul Kersey is let loose by a police chief desperate to clean up a rough part of New York City. The trigger-happy vigilante moves into the heart of gang territory, where he once again becomes a one-man army in an urban war of good versus evil. Bronson, at least the “older” version, is truly at his best. I’m not saying DEATH WISH 3 is a classic. Indeed to the discriminating eye it has a plethora of imperfections. The characters are generally made of cardboard. The violence is over the top. A man well into his 60s outruns and outspooks dozens of young punks. But in the tradition of the original DEATH WISH and later films such as FALLING DOWN with Michael Douglas, it has a definite crowd-pleasing charm. Who doesn’t want to see gangbangers get their due? There are also some great cheesy moments and one-liners so common in 1980s films. When a tenant of his apartment building sees Kersey setting up a booby trap, for instance, the vigilante lightheartedly says he’s “thinning the herd.” A line only Bronson can truly make work. So you see, the key to enjoying DEATH WISH 3 is to accept it for what it is. It ain’t Spielberg and it ain’t art. So throw the popcorn in the microwave and have fun with it.
Best Line: Punk: “They killed the giggler!”
Here we have it – the holy grail of all action movies! Only in the 80s could a film like this have been taken at face value. In fact, the film acts as a sort of shadow play of the tackily neon, terribly hairstyle soul of 1980s American culture. In these more enlightened times, it’s easy to laugh at Commando’s 80s terribleness: the homoerotic undertones, the ridiculous dialogue, the implausible stunts, the comically excessive violence, the simple political ideology underpinning the slaughter. But Commando transcends the 80s action genre by embracing its own ludicrousness. It’s almost as if the film-makers knew that the genre they were operating in was absurd, and decided to embrace the absurdity and push it to its very limits. They were making the film for the evolved future generations of movie fans. This film is 80s action multiplied by 80s action. The 80s squared. The 6400s, if you will. This is why Commando isn’t just an 80s action movie but the 80s action movie
Best Line: Soldier: Slitting a little girl’s throat is like cutting warm butter.
Bennett: Put the knife away and shut your mouth.
Better quote from commando… “Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.”
hi,
I glanced over the list thinking.. “these are so terrible – I’ve had more laughs out of seeing Commando!” – and up pops Commando. This feels like another ‘so bad they’re good’ list – which in itself isn’t such a bad thing. A bit of comic relief? Yes, the list seems rather silly, and rather dumb, but only in the same vain as the content.
In fact, I’m hard pushed to come up with any additions – I was going to say ‘Last Action Hero’, but that was just aweful. However, standing at the top of silly Jackie Chan movies has to be the loonacy that is ‘City Hunter’.
Robocop?
The best one of all time: Con Air.
I couldn’t pick just one quote, so instead I’ll leave a link to all of them. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118880/quotes
Also, The Warriors.
What about Total Recall?
See you at the party Richter!
I used to worship Commando when I was 5. Now I see why a 5 year old would love this movie.
SHOGUN’S NINJAS!
“Hudson Hawk” with Bruce Willis is by far the worst movie I have ever seen! It was so bad, it wasn’t even funny!!!
How about Predator?
Stick around.
This list could´ve been 100 entries long, keep´em coming people, I need to see this movie, coolest trailer ever:
What about a list of howlarious horror movies? I would vote for Evil Dead II for no.1. For me, it is the rockstar of all horror films. Going by what Evil Dead1 had generated, I had expected it to make me pee me pants, but Sam Raimi let out such a belter of a film that all I did throughout the movie was just scream with laughter. @ Arsnl Thanks for the comment previously bro (oops!I seem to have broken my own rule here.)
Too American!
How is Sudden Death not on here? Jean Claude Van Damme at his finest trying to stop terrorists at the Stanley Cup finals. The best part of this film for me as a die hard hockey fan is seeing the names of such guys as Darren Kimble, Tony Amonte, Joe Murphy, and the special guest appearance by Luc Robitaille. Really brings me back to the good ole days of watching hockey in my youth (I’m only 19 so I was about 5 when the movie came out).
Where is “The Last Action Hero”? THIS is the worst action movie of all time! (Look it up.)
“Commando:” ‘You’re a funny guy, Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.’
“The Exterminator:” ‘Go get your toy.’ Haven’t thought about this one in ages, always wondered what it would have been like with Christopher Walken in the lead.
“Death Wish 3:” Can’t believe that nobody mentioned that the villain is played by the same guy who played Chuck in the early days of “Happy Days.”
Surprised that “Raw Deal” isn’t in here, if only for the scene where the Governor of California goes on a shooting rampage as “Satisfaction” plays on the car stereo. And “You should not drink … and bake.”
I think that Commando always meant to be ironic, while all the othe movie in this list didn’t.
It’s the reason for Rambo 2 sucked hard while Commando was fun.
However, in Italy Rambo 2 was rated E, while commando was an R (total nonsense, IMHO)
The 80′s. An era during which, thankfully, I was rearing three young children by myself, and had no time for the movies! How grateful I am to see that I missed nothing of importance (even while I was working in the biz!).
Movies of the 80s and early 90s era were not heavily criticized unlike today so of course we are going to look at them with disdain but it was the best at the time.
In conclusion a really crappy list.
@El the erf (72): Agreed. Bruce Campbell is god.
For foreign movies, nothing tops Lik Wong and it’s super-powered martial artist hero, Riki-Oh! Imagine punching through people and doing things the human body shouldn’t be capable of. (Warning! Most of these scenes are EXTREMELY violent and gory. Weak stomachs might want to turn away)
Hey, where are the saolin movies? Those action packed martial art flicks, just rock. Minimal scenarios, absurd dialogs, hilarious sound effects, and logic defying moves!
They deserve a top ten list!
Could demolishen man make it on this list? One of my favs
@Damos (9): Oh, I LOVED that movie! It was so bad it was good!!!
@anawfulott14 (14): I love The Running Man. It’s worth watching just for Richard Dawson as Killian. He was so good; he was better than Ahnold in that movie.
“WHO LOVES YOU…AND WHO DO YOU LOVE???”
What the ***** ABOUT ROBO ***** COP…
OMG…
just terrible….yet great.
@alexman (38):
“Remember, Solly, when I promised to kill you last?”
“Yeah, yeah! I remember!! Oh Jesus…”
“I lied.”
“EEEEEYYYYYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”
That guy who played Solly was the guy from “The Warriors.” Remember the one who clinked the bottles and said “WAARRRIORRRSSS….come out to PLAAAYYYYYAAAAYYYY!!”
@El the erf (72): I never saw the second Evil Dead because I peed my pants laughing over the first one. That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen literally HUNDREDS of horror movies. Damn, that was hilarious.
@Robocop (86): LOL Robocop…supposed to be set in the future, but all the people look ’80s and the cars and everything are so dated. Done well, it could have been extremely poignant and kick-ass, but it looks like they cheaped it out.
It’s still a good popcorn movie though. I love the part where the guy falls in the chemicals and the car hits him and he goes SPLAT!!!
This was an awesome list!! Thanks, agentofevolution!
Gymkata seriously needs to be on this list! WHY IS NOT ON THIS LIST?
Seriously, how can you not laugh at a fight scene in which the hero uses thinly-disguised gymnastics equipment to dispatch his foes? It’s a veritable WTF-a-thon.
I have yet to see any film of this genre that doesn’t make me laugh out loud. That’s why I go see them–they’re so implausible and so hilarious. There are easily 100 more films for this list. I’d start with Red Dawn, then move to First Blood and then any of the Die Hard franchise.
Oh yeah, Commando at the top of this list. Loved it. But, everyone has missed the best line of this movie, when Arnie kills the guy on the plane with a hammerfist to the top of the head and then props his head up on the pillow. He turns to the stewardess and says “Don’t disturb my friend. He’s dead tired.” Classic Arnie at his best/worst. Would have liked to have seen some Terrence Hill and Bud Abbot movies on the list too. Absolute hilarity.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this list. I am a girl and I gotta tell you, these are the best movies that I can watch over and over again, forget the chick flicks. Got my kids the entire Van Damme series of movies and it’s hysterical to hear them quote Bloodsport word for word. And stop dissing on my Arnie you haters! He had me at Conan the Barbarian
Whaaaat, no runner-up list at the end? Come on, there has to be more bad action movies, enough to make a top 30 list.
At least no movie I liked showed up, as they tend to on these bad lists.
Or, I should say, (dis)honorable mention list.
Star Trek V. It was one of the worst movies ever made. And you’re hearing this from a die hard Trek fan. Something about aliens riding on horseback is so ridiculously, ludicrously crazy, you just can’t help giggling.
hahaha i literally just finished watching commando about 30 minutes ago. its pure arny gold
Death Wish 4 is even better than 3
I think U.S. Seals 2 should be on here. The acting was ridiculous and the plot was non existent but the best part was that they had a sound effect for every movement anyone makes. A guy gives a thumbs up, sounds like that “whoosh” missed punch sound. Same thing if someone even turns their head. It is a classic in bad movies.
But for me, I think the ultimate in bad movie made better for hilarity is “Deadly Life of the Ninja”. Nothing beats it. From the fact that they have only one guy and one woman doing the dubbing for every person in the movie, to the female ninjas training their ninja skills by mud wrestling each other, switching mid strike to a picture of a guy, stabbing the picture then back to live action, to the scene where a man gets seduced by being ridden like a pony while being spanked in fast forward. There too much that happens to say them all. Just know there is nothing I have ever seen to top this movie in the accidentally hilarious category.
great quote: “Ninjas dress all in black. that is why they are know as: Those Who Come… in the Dark!”
Ok, if you want a good action movie that is a comedy, Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Watch this scene and TELL me it doesn’t belong on the next list:
Nothing beats this. Seriously!
Anyone else ever think that Bennett from Commando looked like Freddie Mercury? How much more awesome would the movie have been if he was?!
Oh man, I thought I was the only person in the world who’s seen “Route 666″!
I actually liked it for what it was-a cheesy quasi-thriller. I knew it was gonna be cheesy right from the start.
I like the part in commando when Arnold convinces Benette to drop his gun and fight him by repeatedly chanting “come on Benette you can beat me!”
@archangel (26): Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Heh-heh…
Check this out too… 
http://cvs26.wordpress.com/top-10-movie-lessons/
I love anything from the 80′s – kinda comforting & nostalgic! Really good list! And the comments are hilarious!
ANYTHING with Steven Seagal. And the whole Robocop franchise.
Seen almost all those and thanks for reminding me how bad they really were or are now, then they were fun.
Big Trouble in Little China
I can’t believe that nobody has mentioned Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, that film had me doubled up laughing for most of it………………flying sharks………..now we’re all f*****
As for They Live, who could forget the great fight which I will forever remember as ‘cripple fight’ lol
“Now I break you, like I break your friend”
ahh………..street fighter
At Postman1 (number 112)
Man, I DID want to mention it, but is it really so much an action movie as it is a monster movie? I mean the Scene with the Airplane where the Shark jumps up and bites it is HILARIOUSLY bad, but it is by no means criteria for this list. If so, Plan 9 from outer space and Battlefield Earth deserve a spot!
Death Wish 3…should I admit I actually saw that in a movie theater?
Does having seen it as a $1 triple feature (with ReAnimator and Silver Bullet) make it any less ridiculous?
…nah. I didn’t think so.
at peter S. (116)
Hey, you saw it with ReAnimator. Now that’s a good deal. A cheezy over the top action movie with an over the top horror movie. If you replaced silver Bullet with Brain Dead or Evil Dead 2, I’m pretty sure it couldn’t possibly be a better deal.
American Ninja!!
You need to do the 90′s and put “Last Action Hero” and “The 5th Element” both movies are not good, and yet I will watch them every single time they come on T.V. (regardless of the time of day/night, or at what point I start watching from) without fail…WHY!?! lol
Forbidden Kingdom. Game over.
Everyone is forgetting Steven Seagal’s movies. The top notch one here is definately “Out For Justice”… Just check out this fight scene. Probably the best ever.