Have you ever felt life as you know it could be better in a version 2.0? There’s a lot of detailed complaints I could make about life and name things I wish would happen instead — that I could fly, that I could teleport and so forth — but this is a list based around things that actually exist, but could be substantially improved. Ideas that might seem unearthly at first yet still resemble reality as we know it. Here we go.
I love a good meal as much as the next guy, and believe me, there are some tasty eats out there. Steak is delicious, frozen yogurt bars are irresistible, the list goes on. But I think it’s ridiculous that I MUST eat. Other diversions in life, some more enjoyable than stuffing my face, often require so much time that I don’t feel like stopping just to chew some crap and sit there, drinking some crap, and so forth. Plus, starvation occurs on this planet, meaning your body suffers consequences for not eating on a regular basis. What is that about? Forced mastication? Eating should be a luxury, something done now and then as one pleases, but not required to survive. Even worse in the current way of things, there are person-by-person dietary biases regarding food and drink, which more often than not, cannot be circumvented. Some people are “hypoglycemic”, even “lactose intolerant”, meaning too much, if not all dairy, causes serious pain. Restrictions in such ways should not exist.
What is this oxygen nonsense? I rely on some kind of crap I can’t even see to live my life? I can’t go deep sea diving on a whim because my lungs can’t convert the water into oxygen. Stupid. People have also reported suffocating and even drowning in this world, caused by lack of oxygen, which by all accounts of survivors, is a painful and burning ordeal. This life factor has also made going into outer space that much more costly and dangerous, making intergalactic traveling a constant on-edge experience. Finding ways to breath at high altitudes in particular just adds to the frustration of exploration and it sucks. Breathing sucks, and sneezing doesn’t help: an obnoxious and repetitive action out of some desperate form to protect your air passages. Additionally, snots are sticky pieces of crap that build up in your nose, requiring regular cleaning and adding to life just one more gross element that can be exploited in offensive and disgusting ways (usually among sick little kids). Sneezing and snots are stupid and at the core of this problem is breathing as a requirement.
So this ultra-tough material that holds up our bodies can still break and, due to being tied to our nervous system, hurts like a son of a bitch when broken? Lame. Plus, it’s a squeamish sight to see and it makes a person vulnerable to all kinds of infection, or just emotional pain. No more bones breaking because that is just a huge defect. Teeth are great for eating (see above), but get this: certain things you eat, that are otherwise fine for you to eat, may discolor and/or erode your teeth. Wow. Great. First eating is a must, then these shoddy “teeth” need regular care and yet still can be chipped, broken, or lost. Plus, once again there’s pain involved, which is ridiculous and should not occur.
Immune systems need to get their act together, because not only did we never ask to be born, but we have to put up with the risk of “infection” from the minute we’re conceived. Crazy “diseases” happen that cause us to be all messed up, like toying with our senses or causing pain during basic functions. There are far too many to list, but just know that several of them cause gross visuals, as well as bad stenches and so on. Worse of all, the biggest baddy out of a list of defects — including leukemia, stomach flu, and others — is cancer. Cancer, as of this article, has no widely known or accepted cure, hurts you the most and slowly kills you, against your will. Some people have even been lucky enough to survive cancer and rid their bodies of it, but not without unwanted pain, and mostly, survival is not the case for most people. Cancer is a piece of crap and it’s ridiculous that it’s among us. All diseases are crap.
Stupid body situation, yet again. Eating food often results in bodies breaking down said food and expelling gas from their assholes, known as “farts”. But on top of this, the human digestive track makes solids out of the parts of food it doesn’t need, and we actually have to take time out of the day to squat and push feces from our rear ends. It’s gross and smells horrible. Sometimes the process of crapping even hurts, and the feces is not good to be eaten because it will make you sick, so it’s not even recyclable from a dietary standpoint. No more crapping, or cleaning up our rear ends from crapping. From now on, all expelling of waste should be done through farts. Our digestive tracks should be able to go a step further and break down the solids to gas at all times, so when you fart, it does the job of crapping. As a bonus, farts should no longer smell like crap, but instead be without stench or at least have the smell of the food or drink you consumed. Additionally, females bleed every month during their menstrual cycles, which is an obnoxious chore to females and gross to both genders. Instead, the blood, once expelled, should be internally recyclable. While we’re at it, vomiting shouldn’t occur, as our stomachs should be able to handle absolutely any substance without a problem and make it a fart. Get your act together, abdomens.
The sun is this big old ball of fiery crap that apparently helps things grow, but not without being so bright you can’t even look at it with the naked eye. Worse, too much direct sunlight will burn your skin, an uncomfortable experience that really isn’t necessary. Thousands and thousands of years under sunlight, and humankind has not yet developed a natural repellent to sunburn? Talk about nonsense. Artificial products are needed to avoid burns and might not always work, and are often forgotten in the moment of just wanting to go somewhere and live your stupid life. Another horrible effect of sunburn includes the possible development of cancer (see above), so just for being here on earth, having never asked to be born, you can get cancer just for being outside and maybe having a good time. Forget you, sun.
The most destructive human patterns are often attributed to a “mental illness”. Not only is it sometimes total nonsense what some people consider a mental illness, but even if what you’re dealing with is, in fact, a mental illness, it’s stupid that the person has to suffer it. Some illnesses even encourage self-destruction or harm towards others with all kinds of stupid reasons, and it sucks. Once you get past all the discrepancies on mental illness in people and find the common bond, you find a problem with “memory”. Memory helps you do stuff you did before, like you did before, and also helps humans retain information they need at a later time. But, despite a few anomalies, most people can’t remember crap. Memory is too easily distorted, confused and generally lost. It’s a half-assed product that needs to be revised. Better memory would not only aid historical documentation, it would make nostalgic moments more lively and personal than artificial alternatives that have been developed as a result of memory sucking, such as videotaping (which is not always an option on hand).
This spot on the list was originally reserved for “hard work”, but upon further deliberation, one finds “hard work” is not the problem. In fact, hard work results in pride and/or satisfaction via accomplishment. Therefore, the real problem tied to hard work is economic viability, as more often than not, humans find themselves doing activities outside of their trade or passion, because their trade or passion is not considered to be economically viable, or enough to earn them livable funds. That’s where “hard work” becomes torturous and unenjoyable, two factors which shouldn’t exist. Jobs are often taken just to make enough money, which is mostly only an obligation due to things like, we need to pay for food and eat to survive (see above). This is not only something that most people never agreed to, but it’s an unfair concept on the planet filled with cheaters, thieves and irrational deliberation of funds (some get by easily and do less than others who do more and struggle). Even worse, those in government are typically the most greedy of all, and luck often determines a person’s role since birth as to whether or not they have any advantage over the matter (for example, “dynasties”). Unfair, and it sucks. We need a new perspective on “worth”. One can even go mad upon realization that such economies are based on nothing more than shiny stones, typically gold. What’s so special about gold? It doesn’t feed you, or improve health. It just sits there, all shiny and yellow. Well, so does my urine.
As the author of this list, I must admit that I am only 26 years old and have yet to feel the most substantial effects of aging. But already, I notice I am aching way more easily than I did as a 13-year-old, and that’s lame. With powers of observation, I realize it gets worse, as millions of people have demonstrated a slowing down of physical and mental prowess due to their aging, and the few that have managed to upkeep themselves still had to bust their ass to do it. It’s an automatic labor in life, taking care of your body due to age, so that shouldn’t be. It might not even matter for some: things like osteoporosis kick in and mess you up without discretion. Healthy as an ox one day, useless and a bad driver the next. Aging is out of control and it needs to cut the crap. Around 30-something, give or take, your body should “lock in” at a peak physical point. No more slowing down. The body should overall just age favorably, including faster healing time on all skin damages, natural and thorough repair from all deformities, and no more sagging nonsense (we’ve already covered bones). If you go a step further and say involuntary “death” should not occur, well, just consider you might get bored and this would be one jam-packet planet.
Among all creatures on this planet, human beings are probably the only (if not one of the few) species pondering why we are here in the first place. As far back as recorded history goes, several explanations in the form of “religion” or similar “faith”-based doctrines have surfaced to help humans cope. They offer fascinating theories, but given lack of touchable and visible evidence conclusive among all, you must only “trust” with feeling such a theory is true (hence “faith”). On the other hand, and oftentimes competitive to such “faith”-based explanations, is the use of science to find tangible evidence of life’s origins in the universe and cosmos, or right here on this planet, typically resulting in theories of “evolution”. However, even those theories have come up short for a thorough conclusion. Some people have even given up on both and don’t care, or profess belief in nothing at all. Regardless, the sheer fact there are multiple ways to consider the origin of life is alone stupid, for it opens the door to endless arguments with others, headaches while alone, and just general misunderstanding and forced compromise. It’s the ultimate mystery, requiring first-person summary to feel settled, if anything, but never getting solved among the species with a 100% globally-accepted conclusion. The only escape is living life, diverting your attention with anything else during your existence, and hoping for the best. Forget that. We should not be left in the dark, and having to struggle, and deal with aforementioned crap in the meantime. You’re already dealing with starvation, sunburn, and so forth. On top of it all, there’s no single inarguable explanation of life’s origins? What a gyp.