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Weird Stuff

10 Mythological Beings You Wouldn’t Want to Date

Gregory Myers

Due to the recent popularity of Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, Twilight and Lord of the rings, we have seen an increase in people who want to sleep with a mythological being in an intimate fashion. 

 Listed below are several mythological beings, of various sorts, and why you would definitely not want to date them.

And if you think that having a fetish for monsters and strange beings from mythology is just harmless weirdness – you probably haven’t met a Twilight fan.

10

Orc


An-Orc

The fantasy:



Many people actually have an attraction to Orcs; they may not be the prettiest beings, but they do have a sort of rough-and-tumble charm. They are strong, aggressive, manly – and won’t hesitate to do what is necessary to get what they want. People like assertiveness and self confidence – and orcs certainly have that. 



Why it would suck:



Because they are Orcs! They don’t care about you or about romance. They are ugly vile creatures who make a habit of cheating, stealing, and lying. They will do whatever it takes, and won’t hesitate to treat you like shit if they feel it would benefit them. They are known for being tricky, cowardly – and they murder on a whim. To put it in a nutshell: they are exactly like your ex. And besides – doing it with an Orc would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “rough sex”. 



9

Leprechaun

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The fantasy:



Leprechauns are mischievous, playful and fun. They always have a pot of gold handy, so you would be plenty rich. Who wouldn’t want to have a wise-cracking Leprechaun around? He can play pranks on the people you don’t like, and he’ll always be good for a laugh. How could a Leprechaun be anything else but the perfect partner? 



Why it would suck:



Unfortunately, the Leprechaun is the son of an evil spirit and a degenerate fairy. As for the practical jokes, he is more likely to play them on you than on anyone else – and Leprechauns tend to go too far with their fun. Leprechauns are also very solitary creatures, so you are unlikely to get much in the way of commitment or attention. And as for that pot of gold: don’t expect a Leprechaun to share his treasure with you – they are very greedy beings.



8

Fairy


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The fantasy:



Fairies are said to be very beautiful creatures. They are brightly colored and live in the forest, where they sing, frolic and get up to all sorts of hijinks. Fairies are playful and fun to be around, and they have magical powers, which is a big plus. There is even a manga in Japan called Bondage fairies, starring two fairies who have adventures saving the forest and get up to all sorts of bizarre sexual mischief.



Why it would suck:



Fairies are not known for being particularly nice. They love to mess around with travelers and play pranks on people. These can range in severity from knotting up someone’s hair, to killing someone and replacing them with a replica, which humans would mistake for a walking corpse. Fairies are also known for kidnapping babies and old people. You should stay away from them – or you’ll probably end up as their next victim. 



7

Vila


2005 Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire 072 (1)

The fantasy:



The vila, known as Veela in the Harry Potter universe, are breathtakingly beautiful creatures. They can change form, and when in front of humans they usually take the shape of a beautiful woman. Getting close puts you in a euphoric state of attraction – their beauty hypnotically drawing you in. All your worries drift away, and it’s love at first sight. 



Why it would suck:



Vila are not actually beautiful woman; they merely change form. They can take all sorts of different shapes – but their normal form is hardly pretty. Rather than being interested in dating you or spending quality time with you, they probably want to kill you. They will often use their hypnotic powers to force young men to dance – but depending on their mood, you may not come out of it alive. And how many of you are the jealous type? The Vila are hardly going to keep you as the sole object of their affection – and any guy who sees your partner will fall madly in love with them in seconds. 



6

Vampires


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The fantasy:



Vampires have been romanticized for a long time – most recently in the popular Twilight Saga. Women dream of meeting a pale and silent stranger, falling in love, and living with him forever as an immortal. It’s a very romantic idea: you can be with your partner always, you will live together as one and you will never die. 



Why it would suck:



Vampires sucking a young woman’s blood has always been a metaphor for rape. Vampires do not care about sex. They are interested in only one thing: that hot, sweet, delicious blood of yours. The vampire in Bram Stoker’s Dracula had no interest in finding himself a mate – only in sucking Lucy and Mina dry. At best, once you are drained of life, you will return as his immortal slave – but not the kind you are thinking of. You will be an undead zombie at his command, turning others to increase the power of his army. He has no interest in you as a romantic partner. We also have to point out that doing it with a vampire is technically necrophilia, which is really disturbing.





5

Werewolves


George Mid-Transformation

The fantasy:



The popular Twilight series has also created a popular new fetish for werewolves. People find Werewolves attractive because they are an embodiment of the tough, masculine alpha male. It’s hard to deny how attractive they are; they seem to always have their shirts off, and they project an air of confidence and tenacity that is hard to match. 



Why it would suck:



Werewolves are notoriously violent, and prone to berserk rages. A regular Werewolf will transform into a hideous beast every full moon, and kill its loved ones in an insane rampage. Twilight Werewolves, on the other hand, will rip their shirts off and attack the person closest to them at the slightest provocation. In other words: what you want is a strong, masculine, and confident boyfriend, but what you are actually getting is Chris Brown – always ready to go off like a powder keg because you looked at him funny. Of course, there is also that whole “bestiality” thing – which makes the whole thing much, much worse. 



4

Elves

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The fantasy:



After Lord of the Rings came out, a new generation started learning Elvish – and a brand new fetish was born. People fell in love with the elves’ beauty and their strange mystical ways. Elves have perfectly shaped features; they sing and write poetry; and they can feast all day without losing their slim physique. They’re also badasses, capable of destroying their enemies in style. And not even a lock of hair goes out of place. 



Why it would suck:



Elves don’t understand human emotions, and would often seem cold and unfeeling. They are much more logical than humans, and the relationship would be nothing but a frustrating misunderstanding that never went anywhere. They would never be able to meet your emotional needs. And this is not to mention that they would outlive you by a long shot; your looks would decay over time, while their beauty would remain intact. No matter how you tried, you’d end up feeling like the more undesirable half of the relationship.



3

Giants


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The fantasy:



Giants are big – and I mean really, really big. That means all of their body parts are much bigger than ours – especially the really important ones. We all know which body parts are on your mind right now, and who could blame you? Many people would kill for that kind of size. What could be more perfect?



Why it would suck:



The giant’s giant would actually be a huge problem – literally. The sex may very well kill you, if the giant hasn’t already clubbed you to death. Giants are notoriously violent; they have very little intelligence, and they love war more than they could ever love you. The most likely outcome of dating a giant? Being served up as their next meal.



2

Centaurs


Centaur2

The fantasy:



Centaurs are another frequently fetishized mythological being. The idea of a sexy, untamed, beefy half man half horse is pretty hot – and you could even ride on their back, right? It’s the ultimate in boyfriend material: a free ride anywhere you need to go, and you will never have to worry about the looks department because they’ve got that covered. 



Why it would suck:



Unfortunately, Centaurs are well known for carrying off women and raping them. They are also much more animalistic than the hairiest of human males – and if you think you will be able to ride them, think again. They consider it a serious affront to their dignity; so if you even suggested it, they would probably kick you to death.



1

Mermaids


Mermaid 02 Original

The fantasy:



The beautiful siren – half fish, half human – with seashells covering her boobs. She rises from the water – glistening, beautiful and deadly. It’s pretty hard to imagine something sexier, and many people fantasize about it regularly. 



Why it would suck:



Even if your fantasy is about the Mermaids from the Disney movie – as opposed to the ones from mythology, which use their siren song to lure sailors to their deaths on the sharp rocks – there are still plenty of good reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with a mermaid. For starters, they need to spend most of their time underwater to breathe.

But even if you can get around that pesky problem, you have to remember that the all-important part of their body below the waist is a freaking fish. And of course – if they are anything like the sirens of mythology – their idea of a date will be to lure you into the water, drag you down to the bottom of the ocean to drown you, and then feast on your corpse.

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Follow Gregory Myers on Twitter – @Tesseract_Cube