It’s Monday so we thought a nice amusing list would be just the thing to help get through the day. Ever been in bed, and decide to flick on the television to watch some late night comedy, and then the ads come on? Many are tolerable but many are appalling. This is a list of 10 of the most ridiculous infomercials and their products that make you contemplate whether you’re actually awake, or if it’s some crazy dream. Please feel free to add your own to the comments for all to enjoy.

I find it absolutely ridiculous this women can’t cook a hard boiled egg, but can some how manage to make eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, and deviled eggs. It’s egg-cellent!

Or should I say the titty Bear which is exactly what the actors all sound like they are saying.

This keeps me wondering: Why didn’t I think of this?

A family reunion with your hosts Mick and Mimi, and their cynical, hungover family members. The product itself isn’t so bad, I’ve got one in my own home, makes delicious smoothies… It is more the over exaggerated acting that makes you too uncomfortable to compute. Though drunken old cigarette hag is a good plus. I can’t explain why, but I found it very difficult to stop watching. It even includes the obligatory “man with an English accent” to lend credibility to the product.

Just watch…

Are we really so incompetent that we can’t fold a shirt?

I wonder how they lived without THIS before! Imagine trying to explain this to your guests at the barbeque…

This clip contains some seriously revolting images.

This one is going to give me nightmares. It is not actually the original informercial from QVC but rather a personal testament to the product. You might want to check out the youtube comments after watching this – some of them are priceless.

What list on infomercials could I have without the Snuggie? Where would I even BE without the Snuggie? Here is a great parody of the original commercial: WARNING: it contains offensive language in a few places. And here is the original infomercial.

There is no state song that’s any good, really. There’s probably not one person in the United States who actually loves their state song, much less that could actually sing their state’s official song. The typical ones are loaded up with words like fertile and verdant, with apostrophes slapped randomly into words like ev’ry and treach’rous. Chances are good that your state song was written by two old battleaxes, probably sisters, named Myrtle and Eustacia Crockpot-Twistlington, and each verse makes less sense than the last.

Those are the good ones. At least, that’s what state songs are supposed to be like, if we’re going by averages. That means that to be one of the truly worst state songs, you have to work extra hard at being exceptionally terrible in some way. These are the ones that are, shall we say, special.







It takes a bold state, one that’s exceptionally sure of itself, to choose a state song with a title that’s self-satirizing. You don’t see Arkansas hustling to make “Proud to be an Illiterate” official, or Utah folks singing “We’re Pretty Much Mostly Mormons.” Florida is cool, though. Kinda like the obese guy nicknamed Fatty: confident enough to roll with it. That’s why the fact that Florida acknowledges its population of retirees is not the bad part.

The bad part is that the song is better known by the title “(Way Down Upon) The Swanee River,” a song that, no two ways about it, is racist as all get-out. Written by Stephen Foster in 1851 as a minstrel song, it references “darkies” and is written in an obvious ethnic dialect. While some contemporary singers like to throw in a “Lordy” in place of “darkies” and modernize the language, the official state song remains as the one in this vernacular:
        

Way down upon de Swanee ribber,

Far, far away,

Dere’s wha my heart is turning ebber,

Dere’s wha de old folks stay.


For the record, other states with racist verses have adopted new lyrics or modernized versions of their state songs, if not replaced them outright. Florida thought about it in 1997, when a state representative attempted to have it changed. “Nah,” the old white men must have thought. “We like the old one. It’s snappy!”







It’s hard to know whether to admire New Jersey or pity it for being the only state without musical representation. It was the third colony to become a state (in 1787) and yet in all that time has yet to decide on an official state song. Maybe the New Jersey governors are just genius enough to refuse to allow their state to be touted with incomprehensible lyrics.

The author of the song “I’m From New Jersey” has been lobbying for decades to get his song recognized, but the governor has never signed. It could be the fact that the songwriter’s name is Red Mascara. Or, it could be the fact that he has pimped out the song to other cities, substituting their names for New Jersey in the lyrics. His own website has a downloadable version with “Philly” substituted for “New Jersey.”

The lack of a song has led many to unofficially think of Jersey icon Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” as a de facto state song, and the state even named it the “Unofficial Youth Rock Anthem” in 1979. This leads to to questions. First, what is the Official Youth Rock Anthem of New Jersey? And second, why does the government of New Jersey give any kind of recognition to a song that, in a nutshell, says “Let’s get the hell out of town?”

Baby this town rips the bones from your back.

It’s a death trap; it’s a suicide rap

We gotta get out while we’re still young.





If Maryland really wanted a state song that showed less support for the Confederacy, it could possibly switch to “Dixie.” Written in 1861 as a poem that has been referred to as America’s “most martial” verses, the first line refers to Lincoln as a despot, then goes on to rally the people to “avenge the patriotic gore.” It continues:

She is not dead, nor deaf, nor dumb-

Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!


A later verse says “‘Sic semper! ’tis the proud refrain.” You may recall that Lincoln’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth used those words as his refrain too, calling “Sic semper tyrannis” when he shot Lincoln. The song is also a schoolboy’s joke book, as it’s difficult to imagine anyone of school age singing “She breathes! she burns! she’ll come! she’ll come!” with a serious expression.

The bloodiness of the Maryland state song is tempered a bit, though, when you actually hear the song being sung. The song’s tune is an old one. You’ll recognize it as “O Tanenbaum” or “O Christmas Tree.” The first time you hear the tune of a beloved Christmas song with lyrics about a despotic Lincoln, it comes as a bit of a shocker.







Tennesseans must laugh in the faces of the state song-less New Jersey residents. The Southern state never met a song it didn’t like. Tennessee holds the record for number of state songs, with a grand total of seven, plus one hilarious “bonus track.”

The hit list of official Tennessee state songs includes “My Tennessee,” “When It’s Iris Time in Tennessee,” and “The Tennessee Waltz,” which suggests that pretty much any song that has “Tennessee” in the title gets made official, even if it’s a song about your best friend stealing your boyfriend (the waltz). “Rocky Top,” one of the other four official state songs, merely mentions the state, and is otherwise a hillbilly anthem:

Once two strangers climbed ol’ Rocky Top,

lookin’ for a moonshine still;

Strangers ain’t come down from Rocky Top;

Reckon they never will;

Corn won’t grow at all on Rocky Top;

Dirt’s too rocky by far;

That’s why all the folks on Rocky Top

get their corn from a jar;


The eighth song you can find on the official Tennessee government website is the “Bicentennial Rap,” which the local legislature adopted as the Official Bicentennial Rap Song in 1996. It may be the only rap song to reference the Gore family, Elvis and Dollywood. It was supposedly adopted to make history appealing to students, which makes the line “Whisky, whisky, sipping smooth” a bit of a head-scratcher. You can read the full lyrics here. Because no one has been crazy enough to make a recording of this for youtube, you can watch “Rocky Top” above.







The runners-up for worst state song are too close to call. Should it be Louisiana, whose “You Are My Sunshine,” (clip above) was written by a man who vehemently opposed integration (one time during his tenure, he rode his horse up the steps of the Louisiana State Capitol to protest integration)? Or should it be Missouri, whose state song was made popular by being associated with Truman, then Truman himself said it was crappy and he hated it?

Other contenders include North Carolina, whose state song proclaims that its men are “plain and artless.” Connecticut just said, “What the heck” and picked “Yankee Doodle.” South Carolina isn’t alone in personifying its state as a woman, but things get weird when it talks about what happens when a foe tries to part her skirts.

Perhaps someone should go into the business of writing new state songs, or maybe we should scrap them altogether. We’ve got a national anthem, and it’s not that bad. Sure, it used to be a drinking song, but “home of the brave” beats “plain and artless” any day.

It’s Friday! So today we have a fun list. There have been some gory horror films throughout time, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of survival instinct. Here are some tips to aid the characters in surviving an impending slaughter and being part of yet another film cliche. Be sure to add some of your own survival tips to the comments.

Never enter a car without double checking the back seat for strangers. Also don’t check the boot until you have found a weapon that is strong enough to puncture it first. You never know who may be hiding in there.

If you have found a good hiding place, do not peek or think it’s safe to leave. However, if you are absolutely certain it is the perfect time to leave, examine your surroundings, especially the ground. The sound of a twig breaking, will cost you your life.

If you don’t have a weapon, run for your life, but expect to stumble or fall flat on your face at least twice. Even if you were the fastest runner in school and the monster is just power walking, it’s still moving quick enough to catch you.

If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.

If pets or relatives awake from the dead, don’t even try approach them. There is only one thing on their minds and unfortunately, it is not a family reunion.

If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.

If you discover that your home was inhabited by a murderer, someone who went insane or committed suicide, move immediately. Don’t take any chances. For all you know they could still be living there.

Never pair off or go by yourself. You’re better off taking on the monster as a group. In this case quantity is better than quality. Remember – if you go it alone or as a pair, you are setting yourself up for being part of one hell of a cliche.

Don’t try to take on the monster with your bare hands. Even if you have some wicked Ninja moves, showing off will get you nowhere. The killer will most likely have a weapon. So don’t even bother if you’re not armed.

If you think that you have killed the monster, make sure that you have decapitated it and severed each of its limbs. If you only have a gun, keep shooting at it in the head and heart until you have run out of ammo. Then reload and repeat. You will then need to burn it afterwards.

It seems that many of the recent lists on Listverse have been quite serious – which is not a bad thing, but sometimes we all need to take a break and look at something fun. So, I have scoured the Internet and put together a list of 15 very funny examples of graffiti that is either aimed at geeks, or by geeks. This is definitely not your typical graffiti. Enjoy – oh, and be sure to point us to other similar examples in the comments. Click the images for a larger view.

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14. Photo by Ryan Welsh

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Professional Athletes are not always known for their intelligence. Many are not especially articulate… okay, most of them are not known to be articulate. This is a list of the top 15 people who made us laugh, either by being completely clueless, stating the obvious, or just by being outrageous.

1. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford

To be fair… He can actually breathe underwater too.

2. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins

… Almost? What happens the other times?

3. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” –Greg Norman

And all of his other parents he failed to mention.

4. “Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.” –Jerry Coleman

He’s sick? I hope he can still pitch today.

5. “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.” –Bob Varsha

Now that’s impressive driving.

6. “You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: ‘You never know.’” -Lou Duva

Only two? Ok, can’t argue with that.

7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs

Umm… what?

8. “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” –Randy Cross

Truer words were never spoken.

8. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” –Lou Deva… again.

….Ok Lou, ok.

10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted

I guess in context it makes sense…

11. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw

After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.

12. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” –Yogi Berra

And just because Yogi gave us so many, a bonus: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

13. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd

So, you’re going to turn it all the way around and continue in the direction it was originally going? On second thought, maybe you should stay in college Jason.

14. “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” –Torrin Polk

That’s the most important thing a college football coach can offer his team. Earings.

15. Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?”
Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”

At least you well represented the NBA while there, Shaq.

Smooth, suave, sexy and self-assured. Are you ready for a very exciting and rewarding social life as a sugardaddy? Here are our tips on how to be a desirable sugardaddy – the sugardaddy women love and adore:

Women look up to sugardaddies for their social stature and financial stability. A sugardaddy has to be the best – or at least one of the best – in whatever industry or field he may be in. You have to be the confident top dog at the reins, the alpha male, the boss. You have to show you’re in charge.

You have to have sufficient means as well. As a sugardaddy, you are expected to spend, not just for yourself but especially for your lady friend. If you’re liquid and capable money-wise, you’re on the right track. Remember: you don’t just decide to become a sugardaddy, you have to be able to afford it.

Women love a sharp-dressed man and if you’re about to become a beautiful woman’s sugardaddy, you better look good beside her. Good taste in clothing can be cultivated and since you want to be your own brand, don’t be afraid to find a style all your own. If you need good advice, hire a personal stylist. He will be able to guide you in choosing the right cut, color and trend that will bring out your looks. If you want to create an extra big splash, learn to wear white tie properly with this list – then invite your lady to a fancy white tie event. But above all, remember, you don’t have to wear a suit to look sharp – you can dress casually and still look a million bucks.

Becoming a sugardaddy does not necessarily require you to have a doctorate degree or even a Master’s degree, although that surely can’t hurt. However, knowing more than just sports stats and stock market indicators will make you a very entertaining and interesting man.

Find a subject or interest that you feel you can excel in and then learn and experience as much as you can about it. Educate yourself with subjects that have a wide appeal, such as art, architecture, politics, finance, sports, food, wine, business, entertainment, media and world affairs. Being a well-read man makes your lady friend the envy of other women. And that makes you – her sugardaddy – highly desirable and irresistible. You can find some tips to help you in this department on the Top 10 Ways To Seem Smarter Than You Are.

The best sugardaddies in the planet are those who are well-spoken – smart, articulate and witty. And they don’t even have to try too hard. Ladies like men who know how to carry a good, enticing conversation should the situation call for it.

If you want to be a highly sought-after sugardaddy, learn how to improve your conversation skills. Apply corrective measures on any speech defects you might have. A lisp, for example, can seem adorable to a few but in general, it can distract from the substance of your conversation.

An accent, on the other hand, is something you have to be careful about nurturing. Does it make you attractive or does it just make you sound funny? Change your accent only if: a) you’re uncomfortable with it, b) you haven’t been getting rave reviews about it and c) it doesn’t make you a hit with the ladies.

Even the world’s best-known sugardaddies did not become who they are overnight. If you wish to cultivate an exciting and interesting persona, learn the ways of the mysterious yet enchanting gentleman. Roughnecks, dirty-mouths, insecure losers and the uncouth do not belong in your club. You’re a cut above the rest, so show it. You might find the Top 10 Lost Rules of Etiquette helpful.

Not only should you look good with designer clothes on, you should also look good without them. Learn to live a healthy life. Find an exercise regimen that will enhance your body shape, trim away excess fat and keep yourself fit and strong. The key here is longevity – the healthier you are, the better, more capable sugardaddy you will be.

Your choice of car can make a huge difference between being sought after and avoided. No one is going to want to be taken out to the latest film premiere in a Skoda. You need to get yourself an amazing car. If it is too far outside of your budget to buy one, hire a car (but be sure to hide the rental papers and any signs in the car). If you are going for the sporty look, get a Lamborghini – if you are going to suave and sophisticated, you can’t go wrong with a Bentley.

Once you have managed to pull off all of the above tips, you will finally have a chance of taking your lady out for a meal. All of the work you put in to making yourself a man in demand will go down the gurgler if you scoff your food or behave like a pig at the table. Therefore, it is imperative that you brush up on your table manners. Fortunately for you, we have a list that can help: The Top 10 Rules For Fine Dining. Oh – and it goes without saying that you should not be going to McDonald’s for your date – find an upmarket restaurant.

Well, you all knew it…Americans are truly weird. We have some of the most outrageous holidays for each day of the year! I chose the current month of March to start with and picked only one holiday per day as some days had 2 or 3! So here (for you all to poke fun at) is March’s Holidays in all their glory, in order of date.

March 1 – Peanut Butter Lover’s Day

Just when you thought it was safe to eat the peanut butter. What a sticky subject. Is your PP&J safe? Millions of American children are currently without their favorite sandwich due to the recent peanut scare in which peanuts have been found to contain salmonella. Of course that is not stopping some companies to start advertising based on that. Some are even saying that “their” peanut butter is safe to eat. You can see more on that here. Americans on average eat about 3 pounds of peanut butter per person per day.

Joke of the day: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with an elephant? – Peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

March 2 – Old Stuff Day

The most boring day of the year. True! When asked, “What’s up?” or “What’s new?” most of us respond with “Nothing much, same old, same old”. So in response to this, we made a holiday out of it. This is not a day to do the “same old” stuff… it is more a time to reflect on what has made life so boring that you can’t answer the question “What’s new?”.

March 3 – If Pets had Thumbs Day

Don’t you ever wonder what the world would be like if your dog or cat had thumbs? At least I wouldn’t have to get up at 5am in the morning to feed them! This is the day to let your imagination run wild.

March 4 – Holy Experiment Day

Nope, not a day for you to switch religions or vote if Creationism should be taught in schools… . (cough) It’s actually a day to try being more religious than you currently are. Pray for something different than you have before.

March 5 – Multiple Personalities Day

My favorite, and mine and mine and the rest of us too! This is a day to get in touch with our inner self (selves).

March 6 – Frozen Food Day

JFrater’s worst day… as it involves the microwave! This is a day to treasure those oh so yummy snacks that get shoved into our freezers to take out and have at a moments notice. ZAP! Instant food! (that is soggy and has the taste of the cardboard box it came in) but… oh so good!

March 7 – Crown Roast of Pork Day

Not much on this day other than it’s a day to celebrate pork… especially Crown Roast of Pork!

March 8 – Be Nasty Day

Boy was this true on the list universe! Nice day to go over signs of a tyranny. Just a day to be grumpy without being cruel.

March 9 – Panic Day

Now… everyone remain calm, except today. This is the only official day to panic.

March 10 – Festival of Life in the Cracks Day

Did your life slip through the cracks? Not today it didn’t! Celebrate a day of life in the cracks (no plumbers, please)

March 11 – Worship of Tools Day

Song choice: If I had a Hammer

Men can relate to this one! This is the perfect day to spend in the garage staring at those gadgets and gizmos that you just had to have… so when will the fence get fixed?

March 12 – Alfred Hitchcock Day

Ok… so not so wacky but how cool is it to have a day devoted to this famous filmmaker!

March 13 – Ear Muff Day

When the next time you put on a pair of these, you can thank the big-eared Chester Greenwood for creating them in 1877. Of course, he called them the Champion Ear Protectors. Thankfully the name was shorted to the ear muff.

March 14 – Potato Chip Day

So many overweight Americans can now proudly celebrate the best day of the year! Potato chips are the number one snack food in America. So to show your appreciation on this day of the deep fried chip, sit back on that couch, grab your remote and a tasty bowl of crispy spuds!

March 15 – Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

Story of my life. This is the day to blame it on the day! Nothing goes right today and now we celebrate it. Go figure.

March 16 – Everything You Do Is Right Day

(Did you see yesterday?) But today… no matter what you do it’s the right thing on this day. (of course that excludes illegal stuff) So, today is your day!

March 17 – Submarine Day

Song choice: Yellow Submarine

This is the day to celebrate the submarine (boat not sandwich). A suggestion is to watch “The Hunt for the Red October” on this day.
As a side note: For any of you who might have enjoyed the thread on 10 Great Atlantic Ocean Liners, you might know that I suffer from Megalophobia-fear of large objects. So I didn’t go out searching for any pictures of subs for this list.

March 18 – Supreme Sacrifice Day

Ok… so not a wacky one, but nice to have. This should be a better celebrated holiday. This day is to recognize those who have given up the most for others. This includes: fireman, policeman, soldiers and of course Jesus.

March 19 – Poultry Day

Most famous chicken: Foghorn Leghorn

A day to celebrate your favorite bird! (no, not your finger) Turkey, quail, duck and chicken. This is the day to eat your fill and try to answer the age old question: What came first? The chicken or the egg?

March 20 – Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

So I had to do a lot of probing on this one… Only in America would we have a day to celebrate something like this. So keep your eye on the sky and don’t forget to grab a towel!

March 21 – Fragrance Day

Armani, Dior, Boss, Claiborne, Liz … .put on your favorite this day. Just remember this one tip: Don’t marinate in it.

March 22 – Goof-off Day

Sweet! I actually have an excuse. (Don’t think it will fly with the boss however) So who will be the first one to call off on this day? This is the day for you to relax and to make sure you don’t do what you are supposed to do.

March 23 – Chip and Dip Day

So you had your potato chip day. Now what could be better? Something to dip it in… ranch, cheese, salsa… just to name a few. My favorite is bean dip!

March 24 – Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

A great combination of fruit and chocolate. If you are watching your weight, this isn’t the day for you. Celebrate this day by having a handful of this tasty treat!

March 25 – Waffle Day

“Lego my Eggo” No waffling on this holiday. It’s not only celebrated in America but also in Sweden. It originated in Sweden as Våffeldagen. The holiday coincides with the Feast of the Annunciation and it is considered to be the start of spring for both Sweden and France.

March 26 – Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

Try searching for an unrecognized trait, topic or event that hasn’t been touched upon to celebrate! Then enjoy! (I don’t think cable TV has been taken yet)

March 27 – National “Joe” Day

Nothing to do with coffee! This is the first holiday to celebrate you … as someone else. Today you are “Joe”. What would “Joe” do today? This is the day to be who you want for the day under the name of “Joe” and then you can blame it later on “Joe”.

March 28 – Something on a Stick Day

This day is celebrated by Jose Jalapeño on a Steeeck (pictured above). Actually it’s a holiday to celebrate anything on a stick. Popsicles, corndogs or jalapenos… this is the day for you!

March 29 – Festival of Smoke and Mirrors Day

David Copperfield day…just kidding. This is the day of illusion and mystery. This is a great day for a masked ball or magic show. (no creepy clowns, please)

March 30 – I Am in Control Day

Oh really. Sounds like one of the 5 Signs That You Are Turning Into a Dictator. Actually, this started when Secretary of State Alexander Haig was quoted to have said “I am in control here” on the day that President Ronald Reagan was shot in an assassination attempt. This led to Haig eventual resignation. This also a great day to celebrate after Panic Day!

March 31 – Clams On the Half Shell Day

This is a day to celebrate those rubbery friends of ours… the clams! So tonight dine at your favorite seafood restaurant, or if you are lucky to get them yourself, enjoy them at home! But, make sure they are on the half-shell!

Contributor: oouchan

It has been a while since we had a “vanity” post. The previous ones have been in honor of such important things as my birthday, but this time we will let the light shine on you – the commenters. The best thing about this list is that the items were chosen by our readers and they were all made by our readers. So how did this happen? On the forums, astraya decided to start a thread of all time funniest listverse comments. Six pages later we have a nice selection. I have gathered together ten of them to present here – and if this is a popular list I will do more in future.

Original List: Your View: What is the worst human invention?

longball: the womans vibrator

Saffa: So you have no problem with a man’s vibrator?

Original List: Top 10 Bizarre Medical Anomalies

List Item 1: Diphallia is a condition in which a male is born with two penises.

Baxter: I wish I had diphallia. Triphallia is a bitch.

Original List: Top 10 Books Of All Time

[JFrater: Next time you think I am not a tolerant moderator, remember this conversation - kiwiboi is my brother - making this a particularly personal discussion.]

bucslim: Holy shit! Isn’t it one of the signs of the apocalypse when Randall and I are on the same side?

kiwiboi: bucslim – maybe you guys oughta get a room…

bucslim: I will, just as soon as I’m done with your Mom.

kiwiboi: Huh ? You mean you’ve finished with yours already ??

bucslim: She’s ok, but not as good as your sister.

kiwiboi: Maybe…but at least your dad says you’re still as tight as a little pink drum

bucslim: He said that after he was done with you.

Randall: amateurs.

Randall: see now, “tight as a little pink drum” is funny.

kiwiboi: Aw c’mon bucslim…you need to be more inventive than that. For example, I could say to you that the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand tore through the toilet paper

bucslim: No, the last time I got a piece of ass was with your sister.

Original List: Top 15 Movies About High School

Mortivore: @bucslim: Wow. You seriously just made my day. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. Of course, I spent my day making funeral arrangements for my recently deceased grand mother … But still.

Original List: Top 10 Major League Pitchers

jajdude: Curveballed guns on the list – baseball is my favorite remedy for insomnia and preventing premature ejacs yo.

jfrater: jajdude: I constantly hope that one day I will understand your comments

Iain: Actually JF – that was one of JAJs more comprehensible comments – to paraphrase – ‘Baseball is so boring it can send you to sleep and thinking about it during sex can prevent ejaculation.” – and I tend to agree.

Original List: Top 10 Major League Pitchers

Enoooo: I’m sure most Americans think European sports are dumb/boring.

segue: … Rugby is catching on. My younger daughter started playing 10 years ago, became a hooker, and now, a prop. She also coaches youth rugby.

bucslim: segue, sorry to hear about your daughter becoming a hooker. One piece of advice, I’m not sure you want her coaching rugby to youngsters. When the other parents find out what she does for extra cash, they might not be too happy about it.

segue: @bucslim: Silly boy.

Original List: Your View: Should Creationism Be Taught In Schools?

Anon: @Kaye “I believe people chose evolution over cheation …”

Some of us go the whole hog and spell it ‘cheating’, Kaye.

Original List: 10 Books That Changed America

Randall: Are we going to argue about contemporary poetry? Please. I haven’t the time. Poetry, after all, is a dead form. No one reads it and only academics are writing it (and pretentious types, who as always write crap, and never go away).

Cheeshygirl: @Randall – “(and pretentious types, who as always write crap, and never go away).”

So, you’ve started writing poetry?

Original List: Your View: Should Creationism Be Taught In Schools?

Kerra: Anon, You give the average high school student far too much intellectual credit. They are no inquisitive and curious. Their hormones rule almost their every action, and if its not hormones its hunger.

Anon: Kerra, Thanks. I’m greatly relieved to hear that. Saves everyone a lot of time [and] trouble. Seems we might shove Creationism out of the curric[ulum] reckoning and give sex education and lunch hour a bit more time instead then! Hohoho.

segue: Anon, you left out the comma between sex and education.

Original List: Top 10 Fascinating Facts That Are Wrong

JayArr: Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

I solte tihs form teh itneernt.

Anon: amishtlnbasintdiiariatsesenm

lo: anon – antidisastablismentarianism?

lo: i meant antidisestablishmentarianism, of course

swampsnake: Anon: oh that was good i almost pseisd myself

Contributors: The forum regulars

Children’s toys used to be very simple, quite easy to play with, not at all noisy, and often prohibitively expensive – meaning many kids had to do without. Times have changed, and now any scrawny necked, lanky legged individual of an underdeveloped social nature, can pound parents into submission to obtain a legitimate weapons superiority. Lets take another look at some of the candidates of this tactical arsenal – this list, of course, follows on from our Top 10 Toys Parents Dread.

A recent addition to our list, nothing hits the spot more than a 7-year-old screeching out half the words to a Cheeky Girls or Britney Spears number – perhaps only with the exception of four 7-year-olds trying to do the same thing ‘in harmony’. House parties have never been so much fun, especially when you can close the patio doors behind you, and walk several hundred miles in the opposite direction.

A small firework made illegal in most parts of the world. Popular in the 1950’s and 60’s, the banger was the staple implement of torture for many boys who wished to make a huge impact on society. Generally, the banger was used to inflict fear, trauma, and – as a best-case scenario – a severe cardiac arrest on victims of a sensitive disposition.

By looping the words – “Get that off your face!” onto a cassette, it is technically possible to save over 200 hours worth of mental and vocal stress caused as a result of abusing these substances. As the term ‘won’t be seen dead wearing that!’ doesn’t appear to affect the young, many displays of tragically disheveling art can often be seen on the faces of the innocent.

Many parents have learned to patiently applaud the appalling efforts of their offspring when it comes to painted art; much of which finding it’s way to the sides of fridge-freezers everywhere. Paint runs – as fast as it can – into clothing, rugs, doors and pets, and scientific experts have calculated that a single sheet of blank A4 paper typically needs to be surrounded by 8 square miles of yesterdays newspapers to save the carpet receiving the traditional Sunday afternoon makeover.

Aside from the sheer volume of children’s magazines which pile up under the beds of pre-teens, by far the worst side effect of this type of behavior is often the infamy of the included stickers. Many wardrobes have suffered in recent years under the sheer weight of stickers festooned over their exteriors. Nothing escapes the tyranny of the sticker, and to date, no blend of bio-hazardous toxin chemicals have proven effective at removing their blight on humanity.

When Mums and Dads are busy, they may inadvertently place their faith in musical toys to satisfy the hungry minds of their immediate descendants. Unfortunately, this is counter-productive, and leads to a condition doctors have known for years as ‘loosing one’s rag’. If taking out frustrations on inanimate objects is your kind of heaven, please send in your address and you will receive your just deserts.

Learning the alphabet or the numbers using an annoying female voice has been around for centuries, but if your mother-in-law is busy, try to avoid using one of these machines at all costs. Listen; as an endless series of discordant jingles, similes and phonics are played repeatedly by the delicate touch of a child’s whole hand over all the buttons.

Use successfully by the CIA since the turn of the century, nothing works more effectively and damagingly on human levels of tolerance than a 12-year-old playing the violin, a 4-year-old playing a miniature drum kit, or a 9-year-old blowing into a recorder (or flute). Scientists in Russia have termed parental exposure to this kind of treatment ‘neurological meltdown’ or ‘cranium critical mass’, and victims have often resorted to quite drastic feats of human strength in order ensure these kinds of instruments are never capable of playing ‘music’ ever again.

What can you do with play doh that you can’t do with plasticine or real dough? Experts were baffled for weeks when set this question during the late 20th century. That was until one man dejectedly pushed the material into a salt shaker and it ‘looked a bit like hair’. Since then, millions of children of all ages have sat this same simple test; all of whom failed to come up with anything at all. The legend of play doh was born.

Where is the best place to find Lego? In the vacuum cleaner of course! This was the winning entry of many in this competition; runners up include – on the stairs, between the cracks in the patio, in the bathtub, and of course, in beds. There are several ways in which Lego has taken the crown of ‘the most annoying toy’. First of all because Lego is so easy to consume, many ‘consumers’ have found their Lego products have made it all the way down the toilet and into the sea – where they continue to annoy sea life in the same way. Secondly, because Lego is so small, adult fingers can often loose their ability to manipulate the material; similar to trying to pick up a coin using a bunch of bananas. Many triumphs of model engineering have been crushed under-foot, under car tires, under bottoms, and between fingers – sometimes sending lethal Lego shrapnel in all directions at once. Avoid.

Contributor: lifeschool

The credit crunch is hitting hard – so why not take some time out to enjoy a bit of a laugh at the expense of all of those people who caused it! This is a selection of humorous jokes relating to finance and specifically the credit crunch. Please feel free to contribute your own in the comments – but remember: keep it clean!

Joke 1

Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

Joke 2

Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Joke 3

A rich, dying man, laid on his deathbed, requested to be joined at his bedside by his vicar, his bank manager and his lawyer.

He instructed them that he wished to be buried, when he finally passed away, along with all his money. He gave each of them fifty thousand pounds and asked them to throw the money on top of his coffin, in the burial plot, when he died.

A couple of days later the old man passed away and was buried within the week. At the wake, the three men were chatting and the vicar was suddenly overcome with guilt. He confessed to the other two that he had only thrown only half of the money onto the coffin, as the church needed urgent repairs to the roof. The bank manager thought, ‘What the heck if we are having a confession,’ and told the other two men that he had also only thrown half the money in, as the ‘Credit Crunch’ was hitting hard and he needed some money for the bank to stop it going bust. The lawyer jumped up and said to the other two, ‘I think that is a shameful act on both of you. I threw a cheque in for the full amount!”

Joke 4

Record unemployment levels have been announced today as the Credit Crunch tightens it’s grip.

Worst hit sectors are the construction trade and Icelandic bank robbers.

Joke 5

Q: What’s the definition of optimism?
A: An Investment Banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday evening.

Joke 6

I went to the ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.

I’m wondering is it them or me.

Joke 7

The credit crunch is getting bad isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now America’s third biggest lender.

Joke 8

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.

He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.

[NOTE: The big issue is a UK magazine sold by homeless people to make some money]

Joke 9

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!”

Joke 10

Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.

Joke 11

Q: What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

Joke 12

Quote of the day (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

Joke 13

Q: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
A: Invest in an Icelandic bank

Joke 14

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’ The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’

Joke 15

You know it’s a credit crunch when…

1. The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
2. There’s a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer – on banks.
3. The IRS is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
4. UK Prime minister Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
5. Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than US dollars.

Joke 16

Q: What’s the capital of Iceland?
A: About $3.50.

Joke 17

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Joke 18

Why have real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Joke 19

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

Joke 20

Q: George Bush was asked today “what did he think of the Credit Crunch?”
A: He replied: “It was his favorite Candy Bar.”

Jokes sourced from: BBC News, Sickipedia, and The Daily Mail