The death of the previous Pope is not strictly necessary for the election of a new one. Under canon law, the Pope is able to resign at any time he chooses, it is just that no Pope has resigned since the time of the Great Schism which left the church with several competing Popes. During the Second World War Pope Pius XII drew up a letter of resignation to be put into effect if he were held captive. Except in such extreme cases, the man elected to the Papacy can expect to hold it for life. When the Pope does die there are several rituals which are performed. First, a doctor will check the Pope for signs of life. If he finds none, the Cardinal Camelengo, chamberlain, will call the dead Pope’s baptismal name (not his Papal name) three times to see if he responds. Previously, the Camerlengo would also strike the Pope’s forehead with a silver hammer to check for a response, but this has been abandoned. [Pictured: Venerable Pope Pius XII, died 1958]

Once the Pope has been confirmed as dead, the Camerlengo removes the Ring of the Fisherman for later destruction. The ring, symbol of the Apostles’ role as fisher of men, is unique to each Pope and was used as a seal. Destroying the ring of the dead Pope prevented the fraudulent sealing of documents. The Camerlengo ends the reign of the previous Pope by declaring his death before the officials of the Apostolic Camera, part of the church administrative system. Formal letters are sent out to each of the Cardinals informing them of the death of the Pope, so that they may make arrangements to attend the funeral and election of a new Pope. There has been debate over whether it is appropriate to inform Cardinals of the Pope’s death via electronic means, but since the death of a Pope will be widely covered by the media it is somewhat moot.

The period between the death of a Pope and the election of his successor is known as seed vacant (The seat being empty). During this period, the heads of all administrative bodies of the Church resign except for three officials – the Camerlengo, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome and the head of the Apostolic Penitentiary. All other heads of office serve only at the pleasure of the Pope, and his death removes them. The Camerlengo is the effective head of the church – though in a very limited fashion – during this period. Between Popes, the coat of arms of the Vatican is changed to one without the Papal tiara to signify that there is no Pope. Euros minted during this period after the death of Pope John Paul II bear the coat of arms of the Camerlengo, but recent changes to minting guidelines issued by the EU mean this will no longer happen. Such coins are now collector’s items.

The body of the Pope is ritually cleaned and dressed in vestments. A mass is celebrated for the soul of the deceased Pope and then the Rite of Visitation begins. The body of the Pope is placed in either St Peter’s Basilica or the church of St John Lateran for people who wish to pay their respects to see him. When the litany of the Saints is sung, the response “Ora pro nobis” (Pray for us) is changed to “Ora pro eo” (Pray for him). After the lying in state the funeral of the Pope begins. A requiem mass is celebrated, led by the Dean of the College of Cardinals. Inside the locked church, the Pope’s body is placed inside a cypress coffin and a white veil placed over his face. When the coffin is sealed the doors of the church are opened and a homely delivered on the life of the dead Pope. After much prayer and singing, the coffin of the Pope is removed to the Basilica of St Peter for burial. Here the cypress coffin is placed inside a lead (or zinc) casket. This is then placed inside an elm coffin and sealed with solid gold nails. The Pope is then buried in a tomb underneath the Basilica. [Pictured: Pope John Paul II]

The novemdiales are the nine days of official mourning and prayer for the deceased Pope. On each day a mass is celebrated by a different Cardinal. This time of mourning is also used by the Dean of the College of Cardinals to make all the necessary arrangements for the conclave which elects the next Pope. The novemdiales also offers a chance for Cardinals, who may never have met, to get to know each other. They are not allowed to discuss the election of the next Pope directly, but surely matters which touch on it are talked about. There is usually a great deal of attention given in the Italian press to those Cardinals thought to have a chance at being elected. These Cardinals are referred to as Papabile, or Pope-able. Being favorite in the election can be a bad thing, however, as the old saying goes “Enter conclave a Pope, leave a Cardinal.”

The election of a new Pope used to take a very long time. This was caused by the length of time it took Cardinals to arrive in Rome for the election, but also the inability of the Cardinals to agree. Before the election of Gregory X, in 1271, the Catholic church had been without a supreme pontiff for two years and nine months because no one candidate could garner sufficient support. To encourage the Cardinals to choose a Pope the local authorities had locked them up with poor food; these straightened living conditions had the desired effect. From then on, elections were held in conclave (from the Latin for ‘with keys’ i.e. in a locked place). Today all Cardinals, aged under 80 on the day of the Pope’s death, that may participate in conclave are held incommunicado within the Vatican. They are no longer locked within the Sistine chapel but reside in a set of rooms outside the Vatican. Those Cardinals over 80 are allowed to enter conclave with their voting brethren but may not participate. They gather in the Sistine chapel and swear an oath of secrecy and faith. No communication is allowed between the Cardinals and the outside world, and all people not involved in the conclave are ushered out with a cry of “Extra omens!” “Out, all of you!”

To be elected Pope you must receive two thirds plus one of the possible votes. The Cardinals at each vote are given a slip of paper with the words ‘Eligo in sum mum pontifical’ (I elect as Pontiff) printed on them. Each Cardinal then writes the name of the person he wishes to be Pope, folds the paper twice and carries it aloft to the altar. Here he swears “I call as my witness Christ the Lord who will be my judge, that my vote is given to the one who before God I think should be elected.” He then places the vote in a chalice. Once everyone has voted the votes are tallied by three Scrutineers. Each vote is read aloud, giving the conclave an idea of who the main contenders are, and tied together with string. If no one has a sufficient number of votes the ballots are burned and voting begins again. When this happens black smoke emerges from the chimney to let the world know no Pope has been elected. When a sufficient number of votes are cast for one person white smoke emerges.

The person who received the required votes is then asked by Dean of the College of Cardinals, or his deputy if the Dean is elected, whether they accept the position of Supreme Pontiff. If they accept, then they become Pope immediately. A person who did not wish to be Pope would usually have made such an announcement before the votes were started. The new Pope is then asked by what name he wishes to be known. The tradition of a Pope taking a new name began with Pope John II, whose given name was Mercurius. It was felt that it would be improper to use the name of a pagan God so he used the name of his processor John. Once the new name is chosen, all of the Cardinals present pledge their allegiance to the new Pope.

By now, crowds will have gathered in St Peter’s square to see the new Pope, drawn by the white smoke which announces the election. Before the new Pope is shown on the balcony of St Peter’s he must be fitted out with papal vestments. To ensure that the new Pope, whoever he may be, has well-fitting clothing several sets of vestments are made by the papal outfitters suitable for all shapes of pontiff. The new Pope dresses himself in a red room, set off from the Sistine chapel, known as ‘The Room of Tears.’ Once dressed for his new role the Pope is announced to the pilgrims in St Peter’s square with the words “Habemus Papam!” “We have a Pope!”

The new pontiff then steps onto the balcony and delivers his first address to the city and the world (Urbi et Orbi).

When the Pope was still a significant secular ruler of lands in Italy, it was customary for him to have a magnificent coronation at which he would receive the papal tiara. However, recent Popes have opted for a simpler ceremony. A mass is celebrated and the Pope is given a pallium, a woolen band worn over his shoulders, and the Ring of the Fishermen. The Pope will wear this ring until his own death, when the process of electing another Pope will begin. [Pictured: Pope John XXIII]

Despite what you may have seen in the recent TV series The Borgias, it is not necessary to check the masculinity of the Pope. It is a commonly held myth that, following election, the Pope-elect would be made to sit in a chair with a hole cut in the seat. There would then be a visual or manual examination of the Pope-elects genitalia. If the examiner was convinced that the new Pope was a man he was supposed to have shouted “Testiculos habit et bene pendents!” “He has testicles, and they hang well!”

Unfortunately there is no good historical evidence that such a ceremony has ever taken place. The necessity of the test seems to rest on the legendary figure of Pope Joan; a woman supposed to have concealed her femininity and climbed the ladder of church power until she became the Pope. Since there is no good evidence for Pope Joan it seems unlikely that there would be need for such an intimate scrutiny. [Pictured: Venerable Pope Pius XII]

Christianity may have become one of the world’s predominant religions, but there are still many places where Christians are persecuted, dispossessed, tortured and even killed for their faith. Often this occurs as part of governmental or religious policy. Western media frequently under-report these incidents, fearing to offend cultural sensibilities. As a result, much of this news must be culled from secular human rights publications and religious watchdog groups. Submitted for your approval are the Top 10 Most Dangerous Countries for Christians, as ranked by the Open Doors World Watch List.

Population: 6.4 million; 200,000 Christians
Main Religion: Buddhism
Government: Communist State

The Laotian government’s attitude towards Christians is openly hostile. Lao authorities, along with many in Lao society, view Protestant Christianity (and Hmong Christians in particular) as an American threat to Communist rule. Christian churches cannot operate freely, and Christians are restricted in their family and community roles. Many Laotian believers endure extreme physical and emotional pressure to abandon their faith.

Case in point: in 2010, 29 Christians were killed, and at least 20 were arrested and held without trial, while several churches were destroyed. In January of that same year, 11 Christian families in Laos’ Saravan province were driven out of their villages and into the forest, after refusing to deny their faith.

Population: 27.5 million; 208,600 Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Republic

Pressure on Uzbek Christians increased last year. The number of raids on churches spiked, and fines for illegal religious activities now exceed 100 times the minimum monthly wage. Short-term prison sentences (3-15 days) are frequently meted out as a punishment for Christian religious activities, and 27 year-old Baptist missionary Tohar Haydarov has been sentenced to ten years’ imprisonment on (likely trumped up) drugs charges. An appeal is being prepared for his release.

Many churches have also lost their registration and some of their buildings in 2010 as well. Recent Christian converts also experience job loss, beatings, social rejection and often expulsion from the family home.

Population: 30.7 million; 334,000 Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Parliamentary democracy

Don’t be fooled by all those American soldiers: violence against Christians in Iraq is on the rise, with large numbers of believers killed and injured. ‘Targeted killings’ of Christians in Mosul during the run-up to the March 2010 election, led many Christians to flee their villages and settle in the Nineveh plains. Fears of a ‘Christian ghetto’ in Baghdad were born that day. Pope Benedict XVI even made an appeal for the safety of Iraqi Christians during this time.

Attacks on church buildings and Christian institutions also increased in the latter half of 2010, and at least 58 Christians were killed in a bomb attack on a Baghdad church during an evening Mass, in October of that year.

Population: 23.6 million; very few Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Republic

Yemen’s state religion is Islam, and sharia law is the source of all legal matters. Foreigners do have limited religious freedom, but evangelism of any kind is strictly prohibited. Case in point: several expatriate workers were deported, in 2010, for discussing Christianity with (well-meaning) Muslims who asked about it.

Moreover, Yemenis are not allowed to leave Islam; those who convert to Christianity face persecution from family, authorities and extremist groups. Worse, terrorist movements and separatists made Yemen very unstable recently. Christian aid worker Johannes Hentschel, his wife Sabine and their young children Lydia, Anna and Simon, along with married British engineer Anthony Saunders were among nine foreigners abducted in in the north-western Yemeni province of Saada.

Last year Anna and Lydia (3 and 5 years old respectively) were rescued by security forces from neighboring Saudi Arabia. But the Saudis also found the bodies of three other abducted Christians, German Bible students Rita Stumpp, Anita Gruenwald, and South Korean teacher, Eom Young Sun. German and British investigators have since ended their active search for the other hostages.

Population: 311,000; very few Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Republic

All citizens must be Muslims in Maldives, as sharia law forbids practicing of any religion except Islam. Christian churches are forbidden, and importing Christian literature into the country is strictly prohibited.

New regulations governing religious practice were unveiled by the government in 2010, and stricter policies have been imposed on tourists after some were discovered with Bibles. The few indigenous believers in Maldives are isolated from one other and are closely monitored by the law enforcement , religious authorities, and locals.

Population: 9.1 million; very few Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Charitably described as ‘Transitional’

Somalia as a “country” has been without an effective central government since 1991. It’s dangerous for anyone to live there, but doubly dangerous to be a Christian.

At least fifteen Christians were killed by Islamist insurgents Al-Shabaab, in 2009, and they killed at least another eight Christians, in 2010. So it’s no wonder a quarter of all Christians have already fled the country. The few believers remaining are heavily persecuted and must practice their faith in secret, lest they be murdered in front of their children, like Christian convert Osman Abdullah Fataho.

Al-Shabaab has taken control of most of southern Somalia, and they have a stated goal to wipe out Christianity from all of Somalia. However, recent indications hint they may be losing popularity.

Population: 25.7 million; 565,400 Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Monarchy

There is no religious freedom in the Islamic kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Public non-Muslim worship is absolutely forbidden, and conversion to Christianity – perceived apostasy – is punishable by death. Most Christians there are monitored foreign workers who are allowed to worship privately within isolated ‘foreigner’ compounds, and even then they sometimes face difficulty.

For example, twelve Filipino Christians and a priest were arrested while attending a service in a private home, in October 2010. They were verbally charged with ‘blaspheming against Islam” and cordially banned for life from Saudi Arabia (quiet deportations are a new tactic of the religious police – it avoids the media scrutiny that heavy-handed arrests generate).

Saudi believers fear being open about their faith, even with their family. There have also been reports of several Christians being physically harmed for their faith, in 2010.

Population: 28.15 million; few Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Islamic Republic

Open Christians in Afghanistan face constant pressure from family, society and government agents. Believers usually keep a very low profile, and never meet together publicly. In June 2010, the deputy secretary of Parliament called for the execution of Christian converts, after seeing baptisms of Afghan Christians on an Afghan television (correction—THE Afghan television).

As a result, many Christians have gone into hiding, and, in August 2010, the Taliban shot and killed ten members of a Christian medical team that had been providing eye treatment and other health care in remote villages of northern Afghanistan.

Population: 74.2 million; 450,000 Christians
Main Religion: Islam
Government: Islamic Republic

There was a sharp increase in the number of Christians arrested in Iran during 2010. Although some were later released, pressure on the Christian church remains very high. Many of the approximately 450,000 believers from Muslim backgrounds live in fear of harassment by the government.

Even worse, the regime has lost a great deal of credibility following the social upheaval of the 2009 elections, and subsequent demonstrations. In a transparent effort to distract attention from continuing protests, the Iranian government has been lashing out against Christians with even greater fervor.

Population: 20 million; 400,000 Christians
Main Religion: Atheism
Government: Dynastic Communist Dictatorship

North Korea’s persecution of Christians knows no equal, and being a Christian there is considered one of the worst crimes possible. North Korean communist dogma considers religion an ‘opiate’ of the people, unless of course that religion is the personality cult of ‘Great Leader’ Kim Il Sung or his son, ‘Dear Leader’ Kim Jong Il.

North Korean Christians must hide their faith at all times, and Christian parents can’t teach their faith to their children until the kids are old enough to understand the dangers (and for parents to be sure their kids won’t turn them in). Just owning a Bible in North Korea is grounds for execution or deportment to a harsh labor camp (essentially a gulag).

In 2010, hundreds of Christians were arrested: some were publicly executed, while others were sentenced to labor camps. Despite the risks, the Christian church is growing: an estimated 400,000 believers now sing silent hymns in cramped basements of crumbling buildings.

15. Numbers 31:32

These were the spoils which remained of the plunder taken by the fighting men: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and as for persons, 32,000 young women who had had no intercourse with a man.

14. Genesis 16:8

And he said “Hagar, Sarai’s slave girl, where have you come from and where are you going?” She answered, “I’m running away from Sarai, my mistress.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to ill treatment at her hands.” [Pictured above]

13. Genesis 15:9

The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”

12. Deut. 25:11

When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.

11. Genesis 19:8

“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

10. Deut. 28:53

Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.

9. Judges 3:21

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. [Pictured above]

8. Mark 14:51

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

7. Genesis 38:9

Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

6. Ezekiel 16:17

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

5. Kings 2:23

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you bald head! Go up, you bald head!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. [Pictured above]

4. Deut. 23:1

No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.

3. Leviticus 24:16

Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. The whole community must stone him, whether alien or native. If he utters the name, he must be put to death.

2. Exodus 4:24

And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me”.

1. Ezekiel 23:19

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

If you have ever taken a vacation and had trouble finding your hotel, car, map, anxiety medication or the rest of your family, you’ve probably had an encounter or two with Ardad, the demon who leads travelers astray. Ardad is not that powerful of a demon, which is why his job is seducing, a behavior that most mortals have no trouble doing on their own. He most often possesses men into being adamantly against asking for directions, and responsible for GPS malfunction in major cities.


It’s 9 am and you are walking into your business meeting with a fresh cup of coffee from the break room. The room is still bustling with the conversations of your peers, which you would engage in if you hadn’t just started last week and were still acquainting yourself with folks around the office. You sit down, and just as the fervor of communication dies down to near silent, you spill hot coffee all over your new suit and yell out a loud and audible #*$@! You look up and are met with dead silence, and disgust in the eyes of your new workmates at your lack of professionalism. You want nothing more than to run right out of the room, but your feet are frozen to the floor. Fortunately, you can tell them all you are battling with the demon Agares, and that should make it all okay.

Agares is a grand duke of Hell and presides over 31 legions of demons. He particularly enjoys destroying dignities, teaching foul language, and makes those who run stand still. Agares can also cause earthquakes. Surprising that, with such power, he took the time to ruin your morning meeting and your chances of upward mobility.


After waking up at 11:30, to lazilyto walk to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, you flip open the laptop at your bedside and order breakfast for delivery on Grubhub. Awaiting delivery, you proceed to watch Grey’s Anatomy on Hulu, only to be disturbed by the delivery of your Chinese food. As you continue to watch the doctors of Seattle Grace for the next seven hours, grazing at your General Tsao’s chicken, you can’t help but imagine if you were on staff there, you would definitely be labeled as Dr. McHottiepants, and verify it to yourself by a giving a long and loving glance to the compact mirror by your bedside. When six o’clock rolls around and the day is over, you tell yourself that was a perfectly appropriate way to spend your day, since you’ve been working so hard lately, and barely get a chance to rest. You wake up the next day and do the same thing, only this time with Dexter.

If you’ve found yourself in this situation before, you are most likely being plagued by the demon Astaroth, who provokes laziness, vanity and rationalization. He does, however, give power over serpents, which is good news for the slovenly owners of boa constrictors. Best remedy to an Astaroth infection is a solid helping of prayer to his arch nemesis St Bartholomew, who will teach how not to succumb to Astaroth’s temptations.


You have real particular problems if the night demon Ose possesses you, in that you will truly believe you are a King, Pope or creature. Most people would label this sort of behavior as insanity, which is exactly what Ose plans to keep his cover. Others just believe the game, which is exactly why Ose seems to have a pretty strong hold on many political figures, and probably some of your former bosses.

Ose is a president of Hell and rules thirty legions of demons. If you do have a problem with this demon you most likely don’t know it, as he even transforms the thoughts of inflicted mortals to believe they are the shape he chooses, but I would say it is a pretty good bet if you are a ferret using the Internet.


Sitri makes men and women reveal themselves naked, and mockingly reveals the secrets of women. Sitri’s presence is found lurking in most fraternities and sorority houses around America, and his power is particularly strong in Daytona Beach around Spring Break, especially if Girls Gone Wild is in town. For those who commonly make a public mockery of himself, or herself, when inebriation is involved, or every girl who has taken a walk of shame after an embarrassing one night stand, it may be comforting to know you have someone to blame besides your own poor life choices.

In The Lesser Key of Solomon, he is a great prince of Hell, reigning over 60 legions of demons. A good remedy for Sitri’s possession is leaving the house wearing plenty of layers and abstaining from alcohol.


You are in one of those relationships. You know, the one where you are absolutely so passionately in love, but no one can spend even five minutes with the two of you because you fight incessantly over everything. First, it was deciding where to eat lunch, then it was deciding where to put the cello when you two moved in together, you eat too fast, they talk too loud, you spend too much time with your friends, they leave food in the sink. The petty quarrels and disharmony are never ending. Everyone tells you that the two of you need to break up, which you just cannot understand because you love them so much, even if he or she may sometimes inch you towards committing homicide. The truth is, your relationship needs a good old-fashioned exorcism.

Pruflas, as told by the demonology of Johann Weyer in Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, is a Duke of Hell with 26 legions of demons under his rule. He promotes discord, quarrels and falsehood. Bear in mind, the infidelities and lies cannot be blamed on either party, its Pruflas’ fault.


You know you are battling Beezelbub when, after your third trip up to the all you can eat buffet, returning to a table of full friends with an equally full plate of food, you can’t help but think about how great it will be to go get a triple banana split with whipped cream and nuts when you’re finished feasting on your macaroni and cheese covered chicken leg. After all of this, you probably still don’t realize why it’s impossible for you to lose weight. Pregnancy is possible, but more likely is the presence of the patron demon of gluttony feasting on your soul.

And you should be flattered. Beezelbub is a big deal demon. In fact, he is one of the three most prominent and powerful of the fallen angels, next to only Satan and Leviathan, and made strong showing during the Salem witch trials. But, when he’s not causing jealous murders and enticing war, he’s making you eat more Cheetos with your Denny’s Grand Slam.


The new bartender at the place across from your office is starting to look pretty sexy, and it isn’t just the alcohol. You find yourself tipping this bartender extra cash with a wink and a seductive smile, hoping for a chance to really do a number on them in the bathroom. The problem is, you are married, or at least involved. Images of the bartender scantily clad plague your entire afternoons, and sometimes leaking into the evening with strange fantasies of you, the bartender, and a collection of Russian nesting dolls. These strange sexual desires and your near demise by the overpowering nature of your own lust is easily pinned on Asmodeus, the patron demon of that lethal sin.

Keep your pants on, however, for those who fall for the seduction of Asmodeus spend eternity banished to the second level of hell. He is King of hell, and responsible for Lust of the seven deadly sins, his power strongest in November. He can easily be shooed away by the smell generated from placing a fish’s heart and liver on burning cinders, as proven in the Book of Tobit.


On the way to your car, which is annoyingly parked a block away, you are accosted by some environmentalist trying to convince you to save the whales, but as you have no time for the salvation of aquatic animals, and less patience for whiny do-gooders, you grab the pamphlet which is practically shoved into your throat and make a point to rip it up right in front of the irritating activist, and openly littering. Once you are in your car you are lambasted with an unwelcome turn of an elderly gentleman in front of your car. After much honking, which is only making the confused grandpa, who is probably dealing with the beginnings of senility, go slower, you cross into the lane of opposite traffic to make a point of passing him, your middle finger out the window screaming about how there needs to be a maximum driving age to prevent assholes like him from getting in your way. Finally parked, and almost to your destination, you stop for a latte at the Starbucks nearby. Huge mistake. You wait over five minutes for your latte, which you specifically ordered at 172 degrees with no foam, receiving a beverage, which is clearly 168 degrees and topped with a foam mountain. Livid, you throw your drink at the barista, who is still in training, and remove two dollars from the tip jar exclaiming that people like them do not deserve the charity of others.

Everyone you’ve seen today might already suspect you are inflicted with a demonic presence, and its name is Verrine, responsible for impatience. Verrine is a prince of thrones, and is listed in the first hierarchy of demons, as explained by Sebastien Michaelis in Admirable History, with a demon classification apparently shared with him by the demon Berith during an exorcism on a nun. Praying to St Dominic may help you rid this Demon; of course it would probably help if everyone around you weren’t an idiot.


As far as the seven deadly sins are concerned, Lucifer is responsible for pride in mortals. This sin comes from Lucifer’s own pride resulting in his downfall from Heaven. Lucifer loved himself above anything, and without ignorance as an excuse. Ranked highest of angels, with his seat in Heaven next to God, God allowed him power over earth. When God left his seat, however, Lucifer sat himself on the heavenly throne. This outlandish display of Lucifer’s pride started a war among Angels, and when Michael finally succeeded in banishing Lucifer from heaven he was cast down to Earth and called Satan. The angels that followed him in the fall became the demons currently causing all the afflictions of human nature, with Lucifer as the reigning King.

Mere plebeians need not to worry too much about Lucifer’s strong hold on Earth, as he targets more prominent figures to be victims of his direct company. Historically his presence has been seen in the prideful tyrannical rulers of Rome, but some could make arguments that his charisma is making a resurgence in more recent world leaders.

Begun in the 14th century BC, by the pharaoh Ramses II, the temples of Karnak are some of the most famous in the world. Tourists flock to Luxor in their millions. Sitting next to the Nile, Karnak forms one of the largest religious sites in the world. It is packed with stone carved temples and sanctuaries. The great temple of Amun-Re, alone, is worth the effort of visiting, but requires more than a single day to fully appreciate. The friezes, obelisks and forests of pillars will be familiar to you even if you have never been there. Hollywood is fascinated by all things Egyptian, so watch out for Karnak in the background of Transformers: Revenge of the fallen.

The Callanish stones on the Isle of Lewis date from roughly 2900-2600BC, around the same time stones were being brought to Stonehenge. Legend says that the pale stones are the remains of the Giants who refused to convert to Christianity, Saint Kieran turning them to stone in punishment. I include the Callanish stones rather than the more famous Stonehenge for several reasons. Stonehenge is easier to visit but gives a far less satisfying experience. You can walk amongst the Callanish stones, touch them, and feel much like the original worshipers would have. At Stonehenge you are bombarded by the noise of two major roads. While on the Isle of Lewis you can see the hundreds of other standing stones which litter the fields and hillsides, so it’s well worth a visit.

Editors Note: As a child in the seventies in England, Stonehenge was a fascinating place. With far fewer cars than today, and the ability to still walk among the stones themselves, it was a place of wonder even for a young child. It’s a shame it’s been so diminished by time and ‘progress’.

The epic of Gilgamesh is the oldest written story we possess. In this epic, composed in at least the second millennium BC, Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, boasts of the mighty temples he has constructed. Those temples must have resembled the Great Ziggurat of Ur. The ziggurat, first built in the early Bronze age and reconstructed several times since, is a massive step pyramid built to honor the god Nanna. The structure visible today was heavily repaired by Saddam Hussein and sustained minor damage in the first Gulf war. Few people will get to visit the site but it must surely be one of the greatest wonders of the ancient world still visible.

Once one of the great cities of the world, Teotihuacan’s origins remain hotly debated. There is no agreement as to which people built the city, though it is known to have reached its zenith around 450AD. Whoever built it, Teotihuacan is one of the most recognizable sites in the New World. Two great pyramids, those of the Sun and Moon, dominate the city. The pyramids were famously used for human and animal sacrifice, probably in the dedication of new buildings in the city. A broad Avenue of the Dead runs from the pyramid of the Moon, passed that of the Sun, and down towards the temple of Quetzalcoatl. Walking along this road it is easy to imagine the great religious festivals that must have occurred there.

While not as magnificent as Teotihuacan, Delphi has had a profound effect on the Western world. It was the center of the cult of Apollo, and respected by all the Greek city states as sacred. The temple complex, now ruined, lies on the slopes of Mount Parnassus, home of the Muses. The ruins of the temples, stadium, and shrines of Delphi still speak to an important gathering place. No important matter of state could be settled without seeking the advice of the Oracle at Delphi. The Oracle, a woman priestess known as the Pythia, would sit above a crack in the rock under the temple and inhale the divine vapors (volcanic gases). While in a trance caused by the gases she would utter nonsense-words, the speech of the Apollo, and these would be interpreted by priests. Those hoping for such a divine experience today are out of luck, no gases are emitted under the temple any more. This probably is what caused worship at the site to fail.

Borobudur is an 8th century Buddhist structure, lost in the jungle until rediscovered in the 19th century. The structure is composed of two million cubic feet of stone set in six square platforms. Each platform is decorated with carved friezes. Five hundred statues of the Buddha are set in niches for worshipers to pray before. The six levels form a path that must be followed to reach the very top. The path is not easy and one must cover a distance of two miles. As you progress along the path the friezes display images of the law of Karma and the life story of the Buddha. At the summit there are three ‘stupa’, stone mounds which once held relics. Volcanic eruptions are a risk to the site. The most recent eruption, in 2010, covered the site with a thin layer of ash. It is feared that an eruption may damage the fine carving which covers the monument.

Construction of these caves occurred fitfully from 200BC to 600AD. Like Borobudur, the cave lay forgotten for centuries. They were rediscovered by a British officer, John Smith, while out hunting for tigers, in 1819. You can still see his name and the date, faintly written in pencil, on the walls. Twenty nine caves have been excavated, though not all of them are richly decorated. Those that are, are full of gorgeous sculptures and paintings, considered masterpieces of ancient India. For the most part these frescos tell stories from the Buddha’s life, while others offer a clear insight into the lives of the ancient peoples who carved the caves.

The Pantheon, “All God”, is one of the best preserved Roman buildings. A temple had been on the site for many years but the one visible today is that designed by the Emperor Hadrian, and built in 126AD. The building was converted to a Christian church in the 7th century, but can still be enjoyed in something like its original form. The front of the building resembles a classic Roman temple portico, supported by columns. Roman temples, for the main part, were to be enjoyed from the outside. The Pantheon is different – it can only be appreciated from inside. Behind the portico is the rotunda, a round space, under the largest dome built by the ancients. Set in the center of the dome is a circular hole, the oculus. The oculus is the only source of light and is an elegant allegory of God. At no time will the light ever touch the floor, as if to say that all we can know of God is by indirect means.

The Hypogeum is truly ancient as construction began ~3500BC. It is the only example of a prehistoric temple being built underground. The carved space has been used variously through its history, being turned into a necropolis at some point in the distant past. The Hypogeum is a mixture of natural caves and excavations over three levels. The walls are smoothly carved and have reflections of structures found elsewhere above ground on Malta, as if to suggest the above being brought below. A ‘speaking chamber’, a rounded niche carved into one wall, allows anything spoken into it to echo throughout the Hypogeum. Visiting may be tricky as, for preservation reasons relating to the ochre paintings on the ceiling, only 80 people are allowed entry per day.

The importance of this site has only very recently been recognized. If the Hypogeum is ancient then Göbekli Tepe is primordial. Göbekli Tepe is the oldest man-made structure yet discovered. The site is composed of twenty circular structures spread over a hilltop. What remains today are large limestone pillars decorated with abstract designs of carved animals. So far depictions of snakes, scorpions, birds, boars, foxes and lions have been uncovered. The pillars have been traced to a nearby quarry where unfinished ones can still be seen. While this site cannot be definitely said to be religious in nature, it is certainly intriguing. The site has been dated to the tenth millennium BC. This is earlier than any civilization yet known. If it is a temple then this must surely be one of the first ever made.

Some of those included here attract the word “bizarre” for their own incredible assertions, while others do so for the outrageous way in which their own bureaucracies or the authorities around them behave. So the following list has been assembled from the tenth to most bizarre with a view to noting those that have spun on more eccentric orbits than the vast majority faith-based belief systems.

Whether as a method of escaping the material demands of the modern world or as a way to escape the hardships of poverty, sports has a vital and meaningful role in life. The people who reach the highest level of any sport receive the adulation and affection of a broad range of supporters and devotees. So it may be no surprise that the World Game has spawned its own bizarre spiritual phenomenon with, at the head of it, the one unquestionable champion, Diego Maradona.

On the celebration of the great man’s thirty-eighth birthday, a handful of fanatics in the city of Rosario founded the Iglesia Maradoniana, that is, the Maradonian Church. As with all great movements, and soccer games, the beginnings were slow and the participants took time to instigate the path to their goal, so it wasn’t until 2001 that the first official meeting of the church was held. Less than ten years later, Iglesia Maradoniana boasts a membership of over 80,000 drawn from over 60 countries.

Unlike other systems of belief that must use weekly gatherings to maintain their momentum and passion, the Maradonian Church has only two significant periods of structured worship each year. On October 29th and 30th, worshippers celebrate Noche buena y Navidad Maradoniana, Maradona, Christmas Eve and Christmas, which acknowledges the birthday of the one true football God. Then on June 22nd, Las Pascuas Maradonianas, Maradona Easter, is celebrated to commemorate the day that Argentina defeated England in the 1986 World Cup quarter-finals with Maradona scoring the two goals for his country.

Typically, Iglesia Maradoniana sets out some important tenets for her members and these can be largely reflected in the Ten Commandments of the church:

1. The ball must not be stained, as D10S has proclaimed;
2. Love football over all things;
3. Declare your unconditional love of football;
4. Defend the colors of Argentina;
5. Preach the words of “Diego Maradona” all over the world;
6. Pray in the temples where he preached, and to his sacred mantles;
7. Do not proclaim the name of Diego in the name of a single club;
8. Follow the teachings of the Maradonian Church;
9. Let Diego be your second name, and that of your children;
10. “No see cabeza de term y sue no se the escape la tortuga.” (Meaning “don’t be a hothead and don’t let the turtle escape you”)

D10S is a clever play on the Spanish word for God, Dios, with the inclusion of the jersey number of the infallible one of the football world, but the church is not all tongue in cheek. Like many followers, one of the Ten Apostles of the church has been quoted as saying, “The church isn’t just a bit of fun. This is a serious celebration of our eternal love for God. I may have only been part of the church for two years but I was born ‘Maradonian’.”
While there are those who will always see as bizarre the passion of sport that leads grown men to proclaim Maradona as God and, although Diego Maradona himself is reluctant to acknowledge his deity, perhaps the truth is hidden in one of his most famous or infamous moments on the soccer pitch. The second of Maradona’s goals in the quarter-final of the 1986 World Cup has long been revealed to have been scored with his hand. But when this was put to the incarnate God himself, his response was simple, that the triumph was assisted by the “Mano de Dios”, the Hand of God.

Inspiration for belief can come in a variety of ways and not every spiritual leader can hope for a “Road to Damascus” moment to point them toward their true calling. But Oberon Zell-Ravenheart founded the Church of All Worlds through a novel, if not bizarre, means by basing his neo-pagan religion on – a novel. While many religions accommodate and assimilate the belief systems around them, few pick up whole slabs of fictional religions and make them their own.

Based on a religion from “Stranger in a Strange Land”, a science fiction novel by Robert A. Heinlein, the Church of All Worlds includes aspects of Science Fiction, elements of Greek Mythology, handfuls of contemporary fiction and a healthy smattering of Druidry. Of course, the growth of a system of belief from Science Fiction can hardly be considered bizarre, unless others like Jediism and Scientology were to be labeled bizarre as well.

However, the Church of All Worlds has tried to remain contemporary and has now dipped into more current fiction to create The Grey School of Wizardry, which has remarkable similarities to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from the Harry Potter novels. Educational supplies can be purchased through Magick Alley and its Grey Council boasts an extensive list of practitioners including the longest continuously-practicing Wiccan in the world, who had “a mystical experience in the arms of his first fiancée” and was initiated soon after into Gardnerian Witchcraft. Perhaps this system of belief would seem less unusual if everyone who had a mystical experience in the arms of their lover immediately entered a branch of Witchcraft.

With a Sacred Mission that works towards the reawakening of Gaia, the Church is firmly grounded in neo-paganism, yet some choices of language are surprising. Lurking Bear is a noted member of the Grey Council, an associated website carries a slogan that may well have been borrowed from a bar, “May You Never Thirst!” and the co-founder and wife of Oberon Zell-Ravenheart has taken a name that clearly represents the beauty of the rising day or the rising of Oberon, in Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart. So it makes sense that the Church is administered by two bodies, the Board of Directors and the Fun Committee.

The cynical would suggest that the use of such language and the inclusion of pop culture references and structures are all ploys to make the Church a commercial success, more so than a spiritual one. But, in maybe the most bizarre twist of all, the annual fee to enroll in the online Grey School of Wizardry is a negligible $30 for students under eighteen and $60 for those over eighteen. The cost to move from one level to the next is similarly negligible, which can only lead one to believe that, regardless of the bizarre conglomerate of fiction and fantasy, Oberon, Morning Glory and others of the Church of All Worlds are sincere in their beliefs and intentions.

Bruno Groening was a miracle-healer and teacher, who made few professions to greatness or god-likeness. He came to prominence in Germany in the latter half of the 1940’s, having survived World War II as a benign opponent to the Nazi Movement. As a healer, Groening drew on the divine energy of God to help cases of chronic illness and he encouraged his followers to “not be credulous” but to “convince yourself”.

In all, there was little of Bruno Groening and his work that was bizarre, until he passed away in 1959. It was then that the Circle Of Friends took his humble insistence that his followers be sure of their faith to a radical level. To this end they began to document healings that they could attribute to Groening, demanding reports from doctors, medical professionals and veterinarians before and after the healing to justify the claim.

This process was thorough and admirable, but somewhere in the midst of it the followers devised new and unusual approaches to the “Heilstrom”, the divine energy, that Groening had used. It was “realized” that, for the energy to work effectively, members of the congregation could not sit in any configuration but a series of even and parallel rows that all faced the photograph of Groening. This was so that the flow of the energy would be most efficiently channeled.

Music at meetings was restricted to those tunes recognized to have shared the vibrational qualities of Groening’s “divine energy”. Cut flowers were symbols of death and could be placed near the photograph. Only potted plants could be used as these were still filled with the energy of life.

As the Circle Of Friends has spread, the pressing focus of its members has moved away from the sharing of spirituality and the empowering love of God to the need to record, document and lodge healings that can be proven as the intercession of Bruno Groening. While there can be no doubt that the work of Groening himself was remarkable, the current standard of achievements dwells somewhere in the midst of chickens laying more contented eggs.

Throughout history spiritual leaders have had their words, works and intentions modified and mollified to accommodate the whims of their followers. The Circle of Friends may be representative of the bizarre bureaucratic interpretations made by many stumbling followers that impose a system of belief on the work of great people.

Amidst the diversity of beliefs, either bizarre or banal, there are few that reject the opportunity to exclusivity. However, Ayah Pin succeeded in being both bizarre and banal while working enthusiastically to gather all believers of just about anything. This multi-denominational appeal was even more admirable given that his Malaysian home was in the very bosom of Islamic fundamentalism.

Sky Kingdom, the commune and sect founded by Ariffin Mohammed, who was later known as Ayah Pin, was open to most religions as Arrifin proclaimed himself the reincarnation of the gods of Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism. In contrast to the paranoid machinations of the State endorsed religion that worked itself into a lather trying to silence it, Sky Kingdom pursued a convivial and ecumenical approach to religion. They even went so far as to host a Christian group, which was a rare and dangerous venture in an environment where the rule of Sharia law was so powerful.

In evidence of this power, Sky Kingdom and its followers were subject to continuous persecution and often members were arrested and charged with offenses under Sharia Law. Appeals against prison sentences and fines were lodged on the basis that those charged had renounced Islam and so were no longer subject to Sharia Law. However, the federal court dismissed the appeals on the basis that the guilty parties were Muslim at the time that they had committed the offenses.
Aside from the bizarre behavior occurring around it, Sky Kingdom must be acknowledged as having one of the most bizarre places of worship imaginable. In their typically inoffensive style, they constructed a two-story teapot. Cream in color and complemented by a proportionally sized blue vase, these building were designed to symbolize the “love pouring from heaven” and the purity and purifying properties of water. Sadly, there was no Brahman bull-sized teabag in Ayah Pin’s disciple’s dream, which was the inspiration for the architecture.

A similarly impressive big, yellow umbrella provided shade in the compound as “a place for people to take shelter beneath God”. There was also some tenuous link in the umbrella to the nine planets of Hinduism, but some visitors found that hard to spot.

Officials from the Besut Land Office demolished the buildings of Sky Kingdom on August 1st, 2005, using bureaucratic justifications to confiscate the land. Ayah Pin was forced into exile in Thailand and, even though the remnant members of the commune elected a new leader, they now live in such fear that they turn off all the lights in the commune should a car be heard approaching at night.

One that springs into the mire without a bean of hesitation has to be the Pythagorean Circle of Friends. While Pythagoras was a master mathematician and a charismatic philosopher and teacher, he also drifted into the realm of the mystics. So great was his fame that he established a commune, consisting of the inner circle, or Mathematikoi, and an outer circle, the Akousmatikoi. Both levels of followers were devoted to his teachings and the more they praised his name, the stranger the rules became.

It wasn’t long before he considered himself semi-divine and persuaded his followers of the reality of reincarnation and the transmigration of the soul. He reportedly was convinced of this when he saw a man beating a dog and called for the beating to stop because he recognized the voice of deceased friend in the yelps of the dog.

Logically, as you would expect of Pythagoras, he quickly pointed out that if people could be reincarnated in animals, then eating them was not really polite. Vegetarianism was the order of the day, although probably something green with a Greek dressing would have been the order most days, but lentil soup could have been questionable. Lentils are close to beans in the legume family and beans were banned by the big man, but more of that later.
The Pythagoreans system of belief recognized that, at its most basic, reality is mathematical in nature. This was reflected in music, astronomy and, of course, mathematics. The numbers themselves held meaning, such as,

one is the number of reason
two is the first female number, that of opinion
three is the first true male number, the number of harmony
four is the number of justice
five is the number of marriage (2+3)
six is the number of creation (2×3)

It also helped that all numbers were rational, so even nature could be explained rationally. But when one of his followers, Hippasus, proved to Pythagoras that the square root of two was irrational, Pythagoras did the only thing a rational religious leader could. He had him drowned.

Among other rules of Pythagoreanism were that one should never stir the fire with an iron, never touch a white cock and never pick up what has fallen. However, there were others that probably were more worrying in the days of Pythagoras than they are now, such as, women and men are equal and all property should be communal.

Although Pythagoreanism lived on for centuries, but the stringent rules were probably going to be the death of it, as they were for its founder. Pythagoras, when being chased by soldiers came to field of beans. With the choice of trampling the sacred legumes or facing death, he chose to abide by his own laws and was speared where he stood.

If a belief system was to gain the title “bizarre” simply because it acknowledged the divinity of a man, then everything from Christianity to Buddhism would have to be included. With the proportion of the human race that would be included, it would almost be bizarre, or at best weird, to not hold such a belief. But the belief system of Yaohnanen tribe on the southern island of Tanna in Vanuatu can be considered bizarre on the basis of whom they worship as their deity.
These natives are convinced that Prince Philip, consort of Queen Elizabeth II, is the embodiment of a spirit that was born of the volcano of their island, the pale-skinned son of the mountain spirit. This is the same Prince Philip renowned for insensitive and racist comments such as, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed” (to a group of British students in China), “It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.” (Commenting on an old fuse-box in a factory) and “Still throwing spears?” (Asked of an Australian Aborigine).

The Yaohnanen tribesmen carry out ceremonies and rituals including a special festival on June 10th, Prince Philip’s birthday, to which neighboring tribes are invited. Their expectation is to see the Prince return to them and when he doesn’t they, like all good disciples, know that his spirit is with them even if he can’t be there in person.

The basis of the Yaohnanen belief is rooted hundreds, perhaps thousands of years ago in the tale of the son of the mountain spirit who ventured across the seas to find a powerful woman to marry. Unlike themselves, for they were only human, this spirit would have pale skin. In the late 1950’s to early 1960’s, the devout Yaohnanen became aware of a tall, pale-skinned man who had married perhaps the most powerful woman on earth and they began to pay homage to Prince Philip.

In 1974 their faith was strengthened by a visit by Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth II. This was seen as the son of the mountain spirit returning to show them his wife. Prince Philip is well aware of the cult and, while not encouraging perceptions of his “god” status, has sent photographs and other gifts to the tribe including one of himself holding a ceremonial club.

Pointing to the photograph the chief proclaims, “He’s a god, not a man.”

In consideration of a “System” of belief, Solipsism does struggle with some of the more obvious features of other systems of belief. There is no ritualistic adherence to dogma, no ceremonial sequence of rites and no prayerful adoration of a deity. This is largely because the Solipsist believes their every whim is dogma, their daily routines are the rites of their belief and that they are as close to deity as anything is going to achieve.

In short, Solipsism is the belief that the world and everything in it is the construction and product of one mind, that of the Solipsist. The rest of the world doesn’t really exist until the Solipsist thinks of it consciously or unconsciously.

René Descartes laid the groundwork for Solipsism through his introduction of “methodic doubt” into the world of philosophy and, in turn, his questioning of all our physical senses until he resolved the search for existence in the brilliant “I think, therefore I am”. Unfortunately, it was only a small, but enormously bizarre leap for the Solipsist to transform this five word pillar of philosophy to “I think, therefore I only am!”, possibly followed with “So you can all sod-off until I think about you again.”

Of course, Solipsism is a very convenient system of belief because most of the world’s, and indeed life’s, major problems can be dismissed with, “I’ll think about that tomorrow when I have time and if I don’t get around to it there’s no great bother as it never really existed anyway.”

However, the introspective Solipsist would have a great deal more trouble in facing the suffering and torment of the world as they would have to question why they keep thinking of such horrid things. Given the chance, most of us would like to see the world full of light and happiness and only our worst enemies would be banished to famine and tsunamis. How then can the Solipsist live with themselves when they see hunger in developing countries and terrorism?

While there is often a temptation to sneer and ridicule beliefs that diverge from the norm, it is important to maintain an objective view of the all credos as being genuine attempts by religious leaders to satisfy the spirituality of their followers. Such a spirit is essential to see the Oneida Community, established in New York State in 1848, as John Humphrey Noyes’ honorable effort to bring a true sense of Christianity to the world; without this spirit he may be seen as just a dirty old man.

The theological basis of Noyes’ community is as supportable as many sects that separated from the Church throughout history. Among his teachings was the claim that Jesus actually returned to the world in 70 AD One could expect that this would have been sound cause for a significant shift in many teachings and developments of Christian teachings, but Noyes didn’t seem to take advantage of the profundity of this. Rather he turned his teachings towards the nature of relationships in the community.

The most significant of these appear to be Complex Marriage, Ascending Fellowship, Male Continence and Mutual Criticism. The most thoughtful married reader would have to be thinking that marriage is complex enough as it is, how could Noyes make it even more so? He did this by removing the monogamist basis of marriage. In fact, everyone in the community was married to everyone. This meant that every member could share their member with every other member and, indeed, should. If two people appeared to be becoming exclusive, they were separated for a specific length of time to let the passion dissipate.

Noyes recognized that this was especially important with virgins and the young. To avoid virgins associating only with other young people, Central Members, who were older and could provide more adequate spiritual guidance, would select a virgin to introduce to the mysteries of Complex Marriage. Through this process of Ascending Fellowship, the young were taught the attitudes and process of the Community.

The Oneida Community was built on a tenet of equality and women were given all the same rights as men, including the right to select a virgin the process of Ascending Fellowship. However, only women who had passed through menopause could take on this role. This was because of the teachings that valued every seed and abhorred unwanted pregnancy.

This teaching was formalized in the practice of Male Continence, which was the suppression of ejaculation for any purpose but procreation. Unlike the Withdrawal method of birth control or simple abstinence, Male Continence was couched in a community that actively encouraged sexual intercourse, but discouraged wanton ejaculation. While many scoff at the notion, statistically it is worth noting that the live birth rate in regard to total population in New York State in 2009 was 1.26%, but in the Oneida Community of 250 people in the 1850’s the same comparison was 16% with 40 live births.

Given the eccentric and rigid nature of the practices of Oneida, it would be understandable that a process to maintain the principles was essential. The one employed was Mutual Criticism, through which a member could be confronted with the criticism of one of the many committees of the community or of the community as a whole. These were almost always directed toward the ways in which the member had detracted from “family unity” and the consequences were often humiliating experiences.

Throughout the 1850’s, 60’ and 70’s, the community grew and new communities were founded, but with the succession of John Humphrey Noyes’ son, Dr. Theodore Noyes, to the leadership of Oneida cracks began to appear. His agnosticism was probably a stumbling point, but of greater concern was the rigidity of his rule and many community members were disaffected. By 1879, the concept of Complex Marriage had to be abandoned and the communities dispersed into the general population.

As a system of belief, Oneida seemed to move away from the more heavily religious aspects of other bizarre examples, but the practices and principles of the community certainly demanded a dedication comparable to the most devout.

The argument over the reality of Climate Change and Global Warming may rage around the world, but it is hard to find opposition to the concerns raised around over-population. So great is the problem that China, a country whose standing as a superpower is built on the size of its population, has conceded to implementing the infamous One Child Policy. This policy limits couples to one child and imposes fines and even forced sterilization in the events of subsequent successful pregnancies.

The Church of Euthanasia takes a “What’s done is done?” attitude to children already present, but steps up the bizarre scale by promoting the use of suicide, abortion, cannibalism and, of course, sodomy as means of addressing the population issue. Proclaiming itself as “a non-profit educational foundation devoted to restoring balance between Humans and the remaining species on Earth”, the Church of Euthanasia is a vocal opponent to everyone from anti-abortion groups to those Jonathon King described as giving “the rotting the dead the will to live, go on and never die.”

Started by the Rev, Chris Korda in Massachusetts, USA, the Church of Euthanasia has only one commandment, “Thou Shalt Not Procreate”. However, it does stress that all of its principle pillars, suicide, abortion, cannibalism and sodomy, are only supported as voluntary means of achieving the Church’s goals. This means that the Church does not sanction murder, rape and involuntary sterilization and cannibalism is limited to only eating people who are already dead.

“Save The Planet, Kill Yourself” is a standard slogan and bumper sticker, but this and other similarly catchphrases paled into deathly insignificance against the Rev. Korda’s music video release, “I Like To Watch”. Using a blend of hard-core pornography and footage of the collapsing World Trade Center, Rev. Korda struck a discord with almost every level of society and provided invaluable publicity for the Church of Euthanasia.

Prior to this, the Church had only really come to prominence through its conflicts with anti-abortion activists, an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show entitled, “I Want To Join A Suicide Cult” and through the demise of a 52-year-old woman who followed the Church’s directions on committing suicide by asphyxiation through the use of helium. In the wake of legal threats against the church as contributing to the death of the Missouri woman, the Church of Euthanasia removed the pages giving instruction in suicide from the website.

When asked why he doesn’t kill himself, Rev. Korda answered with the tongue in cheek manner that seems to throw a playful gloss over the many disturbing recommendations of the Church of Euthanasia and explained that, “I’ll kill myself when I feel like it. Suicide is OPTIONAL, remember?”

The bizarre nature of Heaven’s Gate can be measured through either the quantity or quality of the cult’s remarkable behavior. From its beginnings as a seed sown during the near-death experience of one of the founders, Marshall Applewhite to the extraordinary end of thirty-nine members literally in the wake of Comet Hale-Bopp in 1997, Heaven’s Gate captured the imagination of its members and the stunned attention of the world.

While recovering from a heart-attack, Marshall Applewhite faced a near-death experience and came out of it believing he and his nurse, Bonnie Nettles, were the chosen “Two” witnesses of the events of the Book of Revelations in the Bible. From there they formulated a belief system that recognized that the Earth was doomed to be “recycled” and the only way to survive this process was to escape from the Earth itself.

This led to a number of possible courses of action, including the building of a spacecraft out of old tires and other secondhand material, which was an interesting echo of the “recycling” theme, and a secret method for members to achieve a level of consciousness above human. But the path chosen was the most bizarre. Thirty-nine members elected to hitch a ride on a spaceship that was hiding in the brilliant tail of the Comet Hale-Bopp and that was carrying Jesus.

Unfortunately, Applewhite was sure that there was no way to reach their goal in their current form and persuaded the other thirty-eight travelers that would have to relinquish their humanity to make the voyage. He also convinced them to all wear the same uniform, which was predominantly black, but for the armbands reading “Heaven’s Gate Away Team” and the white patches on their brand new Nike tennis shoes. Perhaps the footwear was to cover the prospect that, rather than Jesus, the spacecraft carried the Greek Goddess of victory, or maybe his last words to his disciples were, “Just Do It!”.

Some of those appalled by the mass suicide questioned the philosophy behind it. But Applewhite had foreseen this concern and he had explained the seeming inconsistency in his teachings by drawing a comparison to the Jewish sect at Masada in 73 AD, who were faced with violation and violent death at the hands of their Roman besiegers and chose death by their own hands as a dignified means of escaping the inevitable. In this way he justified the willful exit of the body as a purposeful attempt to reach the Kingdom of Heaven.

Although the tragedy of thirty-nine deaths caused by misguidance and misunderstanding is terrible, there can be no doubting that the charismatic and bizarre beliefs of Marshall Applewhite must be acknowledged among the most disturbing.

Our journey to find the most awe inducing mosques begins in Turkey. Istanbul is a fascinating city for so many reasons, serving as the capital of so many empires. It was during the Ottoman Empire, that Sultan Ahmet I decided to build an imperial mosque over the site of the bygone hippodrome which was the social center of Constantinople (Istanbul), the capital of the Byzantine Empire.

The Blue mosque is unique for having 6 minarets, only a few mosques can lay claim to having more. A series of smaller domes seem to cascade from the main dome going down each level and the complex has a huge courtyard almost as big as the mosque itself. Although at certain times in the evening the tops of the minarets and domes can seem to have a bluish hue, the mosque actually derives its name from the exquisite blue tiles its interior is adorned with. Like many other mosques of the world, the Blue Mosque contains the tomb of its patron. The incipiently named Sultan Ahmet I mosque has been a mainstay in Istanbul’s main square for a long time, and this majestic structure makes the historical site that much more special.

Indonesia has the largest Muslim population in the world, so if it’s any country that deserves a national mosque, it’s Indonesia. In 1978 this idea became a reality as the Istiqlal Mosque was inaugurated by President Suharto. Istiqlal means independence in Arabic and the mosque was named so as it served the purpose of celebrating and commemorating Indonesia’s independence from their colonial rulers.

The Istiqlal mosque is nothing like the traditional Javanese themed mosques found in Indonesia. This prayer house is a huge concrete block and resembles those old soviet styled public buildings. The main prayer hall is rectangular and has 12 huge columns standing at the center which supports the central dome of 45m diametric length. Piers support the balconies which make up each of the five levels of floors with the main prayer hall in the middle. There is another smaller edifice which acts as the entrance to the larger prayer hall but also is flanked by two wings of arcades which runs around the mosque’s courtyard, defining its shape. The steely minaret in the corner features a spire. The Istiqlal mosque is hugely appreciated in Jakarta, Indonesia; and it’s a truly a site to behold.

Aurangazeb was the last great Mughal emperor and he didn’t want to be left behind when it came to constructing glorious Mughal architecture. His father, Emperor Shah Jahan, had built the Taj Mahal which is a mausoleum but not a mosque. Modeled after the Jama Masjid, a mosque his father had built in Delhi, Aurangazeb built an even bigger and more impressive mosque in Lahore.

The Badshahi mosque would be translated the king’s mosque in english and it certainly lives up to its name while serving as an epitome of Mughal architecture. Its exterior is made entirely out of red sandstone except the three massive bulbous domes and the cupolas of the octagonal minarets, which are made of marble. The mosque boasts the largest courtyard of any mosque in the world and the whole complex is actually raised on a platform which can be entered through a double storied main gate. The main prayer chambers can be entered through a fabulous iwan, a common theme in Islamic architecture. This marvelous center has inspired the designs of many other eminent mosques. The greatness of the Badshahi mosque is a worthy remembrance of the greatness of Mughal times.

Staying in Pakistan, we come to number 6 on our list. The Faisal Mosque lies at the northernmost end of Islamabad, Pakistan’s capital. The base of the Margalla Hills, the westernmost foothills of the Himalayas provide a beautiful backdrop to this tabernacle. The Mosque was named in the honor of King Faisal Bin Abdul Aziz who funded the project and is widely accepted as the national mosque of Pakistan.

The mosque, unlike most other Asian mosques is without any domes or arches. The inspiration for its unusual shape came from an Arab Bedouin’s tent. Its prayer hall is in the shape of one massive triangle and its minarets are pencil like in their structure, probably influenced from Turkish designs. The Faisal Mosque is one of the finest examples of contemporary Islamic architecture.

If you travel to Brunei anytime soon, you will be bereft of any true essence of this monarchy without educating yourself about its two famous mosques. Or better still, experience them. The Omar Ali Saifuddin Mosque was built by the Sultan of Brunei in 1958. It’s constitutes the focal point of Bandar Seri Begawan, the capital of Brunei. The mosque featured in this list wishes it had the enviable locality of the Omar Ali Saifuddin mosque but it gets the nod over its older counterpart because of its superior luxuriancy, appearance and size.

The Jame Asr Hassanil Bolkiah Mosque was commissioned by the current reigning Sultan of Brunei, Hassanil Bolkiah, and opened in 1994 to mark the silver jubilee of the Sultan’s rule. The mosque’s surroundings are lush with many beautiful gardens and fountains which sets contrasting tones for its brazen beauty. The conspicuous central dome along with all the other domes and cupolas of the minarets are plated with 24 carat gold. The minarets are especially thick and the interior is heavily ornamented .The roof is turquoise in color. A trip to this sultanate isn’t complete without the spectacle that is the Jame Asr Hassanil Bolkiah Mosque.

Shah Abbas I is hailed as the greatest ruler of the Safavid dynasty. It was during his era that the capital of the Persian Empire was relocated to Isfahan. The glorious Naqsh-e Jahan Square was constructed and the square’s southern façade today has arguably the best view, as it accommodates the portal of the Imam Mosque.

From this main gate, the rest of the mosque is connected via a bent alleyway to align the mosque’s court with the Mecca. The mosque is surrounded by the four iwans each at the center of its four arcades. The iwan facing the qibla, (the direction to Mecca), is the largest and most impressive which also contains an exalted blue tiled, double layered dome. The mosque’s walls are coated with a 7 color mosaic and calligraphic inscriptions which seem to be the signature of the dazzling complex. The remarkable acoustic properties and reflections underneath the grand dome should be noted. The exact completion date of the Imam mosque is disputed, but the construction is known to have begun in 1611. One thing is certain however, that the Imam mosque is Persian architecture at its best.

Dubai has been known for some time as a megacity filled with marvelous skyscrapers rivaling the most riveting skylines out there in the world. More impressive is the amount of time the city was conjured up in. Or from where it was forged, which was basically barren desert land. So in the midst of all the construction going on in a pre dominantly Muslim UAE, you would expect a grand mosque to be to be built by the ruling Sheikhs. In fact, the Grand Mosque is just what the locals call the Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan Mosque, an imposing 82 domed superstructure initiated in Abu Dhabi by the father of UAE himself, and opened in 2007.The mosque’s main dome has a diameter and height of 32.8 meters and 85 meters respectively, making it the largest of its kind in the world. The main prayer hall holds two world records, one for featuring the largest handmade carpet in the world and the other for having the largest chandelier in the world. Sheikh Zayed passed away in 2004 and his mausoleum is in the mosque’s courtyard. What a magnificent modern marvel his eponymous mosque continues to be.

Our no.3 item of the list brings us to the port city of Casablanca, Morocco. King Hassan II of Morocco wished to endow a praiseworthy monument to his people and so with the huge cost of $800 million, this grandeur piece of Moorish influenced architecture was completed in 1993. The mosque comes with many features; it has heated floors, electric doors, a retractable roof and a laser on top of its minaret which beams towards the direction of the holy Mecca. This minaret stands the tallest in the world with a height of 210 meters, making the mosque the tallest religious structure ever built.The most remarkable attribute of the mosque has to be its location. It’s built on a promontory overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and a part of the mosque has glass floors meaning the worshippers when prostrating, can look directly at the waters of the ocean below. Unfortunately, this feature is reserved for royal use. However, the Hassan II mosque remains a huge source of pride for Moroccans.

Approaching the last two mosques in the list, sanctity has become the major point of contention in the selection criterion. At no.2, I give you Al- Masjid al-Nabawi (The prophet’s mosque), the final resting place of Muhammad. Islam’s last and greatest prophet had built this tabernacle himself. The site of the mosque was originally his house, the place he settled in after his emigration from Mecca to Medina. Hence, the holy cities of Mecca and Medina, as both of these places are associated heavily with Islam and Muhammad. This mosque has been renovated many times since the age of the prophet and today it’s the second biggest mosque in the world. The second holiest as well, as evident from its position on this list. It has 10 minarets each with a height of 105m and the central green dome is the mosque’s most prominent feature, where Muhammad’s tomb is located. At the heart of the mosque is a small, special area named ar-Rawdah an-Nabawiyah (The garden of the Prophet), extending from the sepulcher of the prophet to his pulpit. The Saudi Arabian king is the custodian of this holy mosque along with no.1.

Located in Mecca, Saudi Arabia; Al-Masjid al-Harām is the biggest and holiest mosque in the world. The fact that it hosts the Kabba in its courtyard, the most sacred site in Islam, is reason enough to place it at the top of our list. It’s this very mosque that a million plus pilgrims visit every year to perform the Hajj, the largest annual pilgrimage in the world. It’s Islamic belief that the Kabba was the first building to be built on Earth by Adam and later rebuilt by Abraham and finally captured by Muhammad. Muslims around the world face towards the Kabba’s direction during prayer times. So when praying in Al-Masjid al-Harām, the people simply line up around the Kabba to pray in an encircling fashion, while in any other mosque worldwide, the people line up in neat rows all facing towards the direction of the Kabba. This huge mosque has 9 minarets and has been the subject of many refurbishments and extensions conducted by the mosque’s authorities over the years. Visually Al-Masjid al-Harām may not match up to some of the other mosques mentioned here, but its paramount importance to the Muslim faith grants it chief status.

In a nutshell, John Wycliffe presaged Martin Luther as a Protestant reformer. Wycliffe lived from c. 1328 to 31 December 1384, about a hundred years before Luther, and Wycliffe saw very much the same problems in the Roman Catholic Church. Catholicism itself was fine with him, but the Church was largely corrupt by his day. A lot of its practices will make entries farther down.

Wycliffe wanted people to worship God and Jesus according to the Bible, not according to the popes and their bishops and priests. He saw that people are corruptible, while the Bible is not, and thus, there was no good sense in taking one’s troubles to a priest, so the priest could make one feel better. Communication directly with God, via prayer, was not impossible, but required an understanding of the Bible, and the next entry outlines a specific grievance Wycliffe had with the Church on this subject.

Wycliffe preached in England, and on the Continent, that priests should do nothing more than oversee church services and help the laypeople interpret the Bible for themselves. He argued based on various Bible passages that secular kings and queens had a divine right, direct from God Almighty, to be kings and queens. Thus, their rule should not be opposed by anyone, anymore than God’s rule should be opposed. The popes, however, routinely told Europe’s monarchs what was what in every field of activity.

It didn’t take long for Wycliffe to irritate a few Catholics, especially Pope Gregory XI. Their animosity toward each other may be without rival in the history of the Catholic Church. Gregory issued no less than five Papal Bulls attempting to shut Wycliffe up, but he would not be silent. Wycliffe went so far as to argue that the pope and the Antichrist were practically equivalent, and denounced the papal throne as the throne of Satan on Earth. He may have been the first to declare this now-popular idea (popular among Protestants).

He was the first to translate the complete Bible into English, which did not endear him to the Catholic hierarchy. The Church did not attempt to catch and kill Wycliffe, ostensibly because it could not find him (he traveled extensively in England, France, and the Netherlands), or because it did not like the risk of invading England to get him. He died three days after suffering a stroke during Mass. 30 years later, the Council of Constance ended “the three popes’ reign” and elected Alexander V, who immediately denounced Wycliffe as a heretic, had as many of his books burned as could be found on the Continent and in England, excommunicated and consigned to everlasting flames from the moment of his death. In 1428, Pope Martin V had him dug up and burned at the stake.

Pope Damasus I commissioned Saint Jerome, in 382, to revise the Vetus Latina, which was the compendium of all biblical texts, translated into Latin. Jerome’s product became known as “versio vulgata,” or “common version.” It was the translation used most often from then on throughout Western Europe, and from 400 to about 1530, the Latin Vulgate was the one and only Bible most Western Europeans ever encountered. It is, in fact, still the only official Bible of the Catholic Church.

Nothing is wrong with any of this, because Jerome’s translation is perfectly accurate and at its time of publication Latin was spoken throughout most of Europe. It is, more or less, the King James Version in Latin, since the King James translators used it as one of their primary guides. But the problem arose when the commoners throughout Europe told their priests, who told their bishops, who told the popes, that the commoners did not understand the first thing about Latin. It was not spoken except in church ceremonies, and thus, in order to learn it, the commoners had to get their priests to teach them. But the priests would not bother teaching them. Why?

Because knowledge is power, and the Catholic Church had all of both. For about 1,000 years, the Bible remained well known only to the church officials, clergy of all orders, and an elect few well educated scholars. It was never counter to any Papal Bull for any person to translate the Bible into another language. However, anyone who intended to do so was strongly admonished by the Pope himself, with every archbishop, bishop and priest of the continent told not to translate the Bible into any language besides Biblical Hebrew, Ancient Greek or Latin. These three languages were almost dead at the time, meaning no one spoke them commonly.

Indulgences are various degrees of the remission of punishments from sins that have already been forgiven. Indulgences are given, not sold, to anyone who performs a Christian act, especially doing a good deed for someone else, or for saying a prayer. This practice really isn’t that un-biblical, in itself, but the problem is that people immediately see it as a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Sin all you want, then say a Hail Mary, and you’re good to go. It has never worked that way according to the Bible and official Catholic doctrine, and anyone who reads the Pauline Epistles will realize this.

But certain Bishops of the Catholic Church saw indulgences as a very good way to get rich, and it worked magnificently. Threaten an ignorant person with eternal burning, and he’ll give you some money to feel safe again. It got ridiculously out of hand from about 500 until Martin Luther spoke against it in his 95 Theses, in 1517. One of the most notorious abusers of the practice was a man named Johann Tetzel, to whom is attributed this infamous couplet, “As soon as a coin in the coffer rings, a soul from purgatory springs.”

These Bishops extorted people for years by horrifying them that they’re departed loved ones were currently frying in Purgatory, and would remain there for a very long time, unless their surviving loved ones paid the Church money. This money would atone for the dead persons’ sins, and they would then enter Heaven. Indulgences are not supposed to be sold. If they were, people with lots of money would be holier than thou art.

Indulgences are still given in the Catholic Church – some which remit part of the punishment owed for sin, and some which remit all. The most recent indulgences were granted in 2007 by Pope Benedict XVI, for people who took part in pilgrimages to Lourdes.

The origin of the superstition of Friday the 13th began on Friday the 13th of October, 1307. King Phillip IV of Spain had borrowed a very large amount of money and personnel from the Templars, in order to wage war against the English, and when Pope Clement V sent him word that there were suspicions about the Christian nature of the Templar brotherhood, Phillip seized the opportunity, sending his men out to round up, arrest and imprison all the Templars in Spain.

Phillip accused them of the most atrocious sins imaginable for that time, including apostasy (which means renouncing Christ), heresy, idolatry and even sodomy. Any one of these “crimes” warranted death back then, and the Templars were guilty of precisely none. But Phillip saw an extraordinary chance to eradicate the Templar order from his entire country and seize its incalculable wealth for himself. He bullied Clement V with political embargoes, and Clement acquiesced with an Inquisition convened to investigate these accusations.

The “investigation” involved torturing the Templars via very perverted, horrifying methods, with the single proviso that no blood be spilled. If they died from the torture, it was deemed “righteous punishment.” But none of them did, according to the records we have. Most were put on the rack and stretched until their shoulders dislocated. Some had their testicles crushed in vises, which caused them to bleed profusely, of course, but internally. No blood was spilled. Some were shackled to the dungeon floors and had their feet roasted to the bone in furnaces.

They, understandably, confessed to all sorts of horrible offenses to the Church, including the above mentioned, along with spitting on the cross. As soon as their tortures were over, the recanted their confessions. They may have been in possession of the Shroud of Turin at this time, which constituted idolatry. Clement issued a Papal Bull on 22 November, ordering that Templars be arrested and tortured all over Europe, and they were.

Phillip IV is the most directly to blame, but the Catholic Church was officially and directly responsible in torturing and executing the Templar knights, knowing full well that they were innocent of all charges. Most of the Templars across Europe actually escaped or were acquitted, but those convicted, including the Grandmaster Jacques de Molay, were, to a man, burned at the stake, most after gruesome tortures. He is said to have screamed out of the flames that Phillip and Clement would both meet him before God, “and that right soon.” They both died within a year; Phillip had a stroke and fell off his horse while hunting; Clement died of natural causes, and a rumor persists that his body lay in state during a thunderstorm, when lightning struck the building and burned it to the ground.

The trial of Galileo Galilei is one of the most infamous and embarrassing moments in Catholic history. It still hasn’t gone away. Galileo seems to have been always at odds with the Catholic Church’s hegemony on all education, even though he was good friends with Pope Urban VIII, and dedicated some of his works to him. But he discovered, via his own pet design for the refracting telescope, that Jupiter has moons, and Jupiter’s moons orbit Jupiter, NOT Earth. Know what that means? Orbits are based on gravity, not mankind’s arrogance. This idea is called heliocentrism, which is, Mr. Sun is at the center of the solar system, and Earth, like everything else nearby, orbits Mr. Sun.

Galileo was of the opinion that Nicholas Copernicus was right. The Earth is not the center. The Church didn’t want to hear that. Galileo went to Rome to persuade the Church not to ban Copernicus’s works, and instead of convincing them, the Church officials turned on Galileo and demanded that he desist with his ideas of Heliocentrism. He refused, but did back off for a few years. Urban VIII tried what he dared to help him, but the facts themselves were deemed vehemently heretical, and Galileo was finally brought before an Inquisition (more on those later), and forced under threat of excommunication and torture to “abjure, curse, and detest” heliocentrism.

The legend goes that, seated in a chair in a bare room before the table of Inquisitors, Galileo sighed, put his hands behind his back, crossed his fingers and said something to the effect of, “Fine. The Earth does not move around the Sun.” Then, under his breath, he muttered, “E pur si muove,” which is, “And yet it moves.” How much of this is true cannot be ascertained for certain, but at one point he did let his Italian temper get the better of him (after several years of aggravation), when he stood and bellowed, “The Bible tells you how to go to Heaven! It does NOT tell you how the heavens go!”

The Catholic Church did not lift its ban on heliocentrical thought until 1758. It was not until 1992, 350 years after his death, that a pope, John Paul II, formally apologized for the Church placing Galileo under house arrest for the last 9 years of his life, and denouncing his discoveries which, ironically, were also incorrect as Galileo taught that the Sun was the center of the universe – not just our solar system. John Paul II’s successor, Benedict XVI, is on record as stating that the Catholic Church’s “verdict against Galileo was rational and just and the revision of this verdict can be justified only on the grounds of what is politically opportune.” Politically, mind you; not factually.

Joan of Arc believed that God had called her to lead the French in kicking the English out of France once and for all. She instigated an uprising in 1429, and led a successful relief force to the besieged city of Orleans, where she aided Gilles de Rais (who, you may recall from another list, was also a savage serial killer), as well as Jean de Dunois and Jean de Brosse, in lifting the siege and routing the English oppressors.

Long story short, Joan roused the political irritation of quite a few Catholic honchos in the area. But when they set about opening up a trial against her, they could find no legitimate evidence. But they opened the trial anyway, and also refused to allow her any legal counsel. This was patently against their own rules. During this farce, the inquisitors (French Bishops who favored the rule of the English), especially Jean LeMaitre, tried to trap Joan with her own words, just like the Pharisees and Sadducees tried to trap Jesus with his own words. And Jesus is probably quite proud of how Joan handled herself, because she calmly and carefully turned all their traps back against them. She left them no ground at all on which to base her execution, so of course, they killed her anyway. They hated her and wanted to kill her. In the end, they had to lie.

Joan of Arc was executed for heresy, not because she claimed to hear the voice of God, not because she defied and killed the English, but because she was said to have worn a man’s clothing while in prison. This was also forbidden, and thus punishable by being burned at the stake. She requested that her last meal be Holy Communion. The Church officials refused, in essence trying everything they could to consign her to Hell. It was even discovered after her death that she had never worn a man’s clothing. Her case was successfully appealed 25 years later, and she was exonerated by the Pope at the behest of St Joan’s mother. Nevertheless, the Church did not canonize her until 16 May, 1920, five hundred years after she was killed.

Along with the next entry, this is one of the two most appalling incidents of criminal cowardice in the history of the Catholic Church. Jan Hus (c. 1369 – 6 July 1415) was a Czech priest and Catholic reformer who could not stand what he saw as various corruptions rife throughout the Roman Catholic Church. It would take too long to explain every detail of his arguments with the Church, but they can all be simplified to his view that the priests, bishops, archbishops and popes were immoral and given to sin, just as any other human. Thus, any rule the Church established was corrupt, because 100% of the rules necessary for Christian living and salvation had already been written by God in the Bible.

He made no secret of his disdain and outright antagonism for the Church in his Prague pulpit. He was strongly influenced by #10, and when #10 died a peaceful death, Hus carried on in his place. He especially wanted the papal schism to end. There were two popes at the time, Gregory XII and Benedict XIII. In 1409, Alexander V was elected to appease both sides, but this backfired. Hus saw it was one more proof that the Church was a human institution, and no longer divine.

In 1411, indulgences received a sudden surge of popularity following the death of Prague’s Archbishop, Zbynek Zajic, when Antipope John XXIII advocated indulgences to insure that all those under his bishopric would be cleaned of the sin of following Hus. Hus sternly preached against indulgences. So, in 1415, the Church convened the Council of Constance to put an end to the papal schism, but also to put an end to Hus. They tricked him into coming to the Council under a letter of indemnity, which meant they promised to do no harm at all to him. All they wanted was to talk.

While he was there, the Church started the rumor that he was trying to escape the city of Constance (Konstanz). He was not trying to escape, because he wrote his will before leaving Prague. He knew they might try to kill him, and they did, arresting, trying and imprisoning him for heresy. He was held in an underground dungeon, fed very little, contracting the flu and possibly pneumonia. He was ordered to recant his teachings, and he refused, stating that he stood firmly and solely on the Bible, that for the Church to demand his recantation of the Bible was the same as demanding God’s genuflection to the Roman Catholic Church. This infuriated the Church officials, who promptly sentenced him to death. They refused him the Last Rites and burned him at the stake.

Tyndale dedicated his life to translating the Bible into vernacular English, so the laypeople of England could read it for themselves. This was not expressly against the rules, as mentioned in entry #9, but Tyndale could not get anyone in the Catholic Church to help him with room and board. Everyone was uncomfortable with the Bible being readily accessible to the commoners, because how could the Church then keep power?

Not to be deterred, Tyndale went into hiding in Belgium and Germany, evading capture while he translated the New Testament, finishing it in 1525. It was printed en masse and smuggled all over Europe, especially into England, where the Catholics in charge burned a number of them in public. Tyndale also wrote fearlessly against the divorce of Henry VIII, calling it anti-Scriptural, and infuriating the king. Tyndale finished translating the Old Testament in 1530.

He was finally caught after some help from a backstabbing friend named Henry Phillips, charged with heresy for no other reason than translating the Bible into English, and strangled, then burned at the stake, on 6 October 1536, in Vilvoorde, outside Brussels. The Catholic Church has never apologized. All subsequent English Bibles, including the King James have borrowed extensively from Tyndale’s Bible.

Because they spanned the entire latter half of the Middle Ages, lasting into the 1800s, the Inquisitions themselves deserve their own entry. Their typically accepted dates are from the 1100s to 1808. The Inquisition still exists today, but torture and execution are no longer allowed. The word itself simply denotes an investigation into possible heresy.

For those seven centuries or so, anyone who roused the anger or suspicion of the Roman Catholic Church was in very real danger of the arrival of Inquisitors, whose job was “to root out and purge the Christian civilized world of heresy and crimes against God.” Torture was not only defended as a means to gain a confession; the Church encouraged it.

Aside from the specific cases mentioned in other entries, it must not be forgotten that the Catholic Church routinely arrested and tortured Jews, Muslims, Waldensianism (Christian), Hussitism (Christian) and numerous other religions and religious sects. These people were given prior warning to vacate the given area (a pogrom), after which anyone found in the area was arrested and given an ultimatum: convert to Christianity or be executed. Anyone who foolishly refused was tortured until he or she did convert, and the Inquisition allowed no exemptions for anyone, men, women, children, the elderly or the disabled.

These tortures were lurid beyond belief, including branding, the rack, hanging by the toes or thumbs, toe crushing, bone breaking, simple beatings, foot roasting, and blinding by red-hot pokers. After such tortures, the condemned was almost always strangled, then burned at the stake. For seven centuries, the Catholic Church was all powerful, even terrifying monarchs, and the Inquisition held absolute sway by the most brutal methods imaginable.

Interestingly the office of the Inquisition still exists today under the name “Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith”.

This travesty gets its own entry for several reasons. The so-called “witches” were rounded up and slaughtered for centuries throughout Europe. Casualty numbers vary drastically because records were not well kept, but the average total is anywhere from 40,000 to 100,000 dead, just in the period of c. 1480 to c. 1750.

The hunts had been perpetrated for centuries before, and they were carried out for one or both of two reasons: fear and personal animosity. If a particular person irritated someone, the latter could accuse the former of witchcraft, and the Catholic Church showed up like a bloodhound. Or a nation or local government could suddenly become afraid of the influence of the Antichrist and take care of the matter with the Church’s blessing.

It was established doctrine that witches were not witches by their own volition, but by Satan’s, and so burning them at the stake would purify them by pain so they could enter Heaven. The Church actually believed, and led the populace to believe, that it was doing witches a favor by torturing them and burning them to death. The methods by which to prove a witch were ludicrous, to state the obvious: a mole or birthmark was deemed proof of trafficking with the Devil; uttering blasphemy (and back then it was nearly impossible to open your mouth without offending the Church); denouncement by another witch (and since denouncing another passed the blame, the accused could save himself this way); to be afraid during interrogation; and the most infamous of all, anyone who could swim was most assuredly a witch, since only the Devil could teach someone to conquer water.

Tortures were not always overseen by the Church itself, and thus, the rule of not shedding blood was ignored in these instances. So the tortures became much, much worse: flogging, skinning alive, castration by red-hot pincers, disemboweling, drawing and quartering, head crushing, tooth extraction, de-nailing. Death, if not by torture, was always via burning at the stake.

Another very serious mistake the Church made in pursuing and slaughtering people because of the slightest hint of heresy is that in so doing, it also ordered that all witches’ “familiars” be hunted down, killed and burned. These familiars were pets that witches were believed to keep, whether frogs, or owls, or rats or especially cats. From the 1100s until the late 1300s, cats were slaughtered wholesale all over Europe. When the fleas bearing bubonic plague rode on the backs of rats from the Black Sea area and Western Asia into Italy and Western Europe, there were no cats to check the rats’ spread. The Black Death of c. 1340 to c. 1355 spread so well, in large part, because the rats multiplied out of control. The Plague finally dwindled away because the people were too busy dying to kill cats, and the cats repopulated Europe and brought the rats back down.

It should be noted that witch hunts were not unique to the Catholic Church, as all of the protestant nations in Europe also partook of this cruel abuse. Alas, no one was immune from guilt.

Muhammad Hosni Mubarak was the President of the Arab Republic of Egypt for 30 years. He held office from 1981, until he was forced to resign by mass protests on February 11, 2011. Mubarak was trained as a pilot, and rose in the ranks of Egypt’s air force during the 1960s and ’70s. President Anwar Sadat named Mubarak to be his vice president in 1975, and in 1978 Mubarak became the vice chairman of the National Democratic Party (NDP), the governing political party in Egypt. When Anwar Sadat was assassinated on October 14, 1981, Mubarak succeeded him to become Chairman of the NDP, as well.

Mubarak quickly became an old-style strongman, with full control of the government. Running uncontested, Mubarak won the Presidency in national referenda in 1987, 1993 and 1999; and, after a change in laws, he won running against a token opponent in 2005. He focused on economic growth and inched toward political reform, but any economic gains in the 1990s were offset by criticisms that Egypt was a near-dictatorship; indeed, Mubarak never lifted the state of emergency imposed after Sadat’s assassination.

In February 2005, Mubarak announced plans for a September 2005 election, that would be Egypt’s first-ever multi-candidate contest for the presidency. On September 7, 2005, he handily won his fifth consecutive term in those elections, but the victory was clouded by low voter turnout, reports of fraud and the imprisonment of Mubarak’s political rival, Ayman Nour. The next years were dominated by two issues: calls for political reform and Mubarak’s love/hate relationship with the United States, a steady provider of military aid.

Mubarak was rebuked for his lack of commitment to democracy by American leaders, including President George W. Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, but he remained an important U.S. ally in the region, especially during the U.S. war in Iraq. Egyptians took to the streets in January 2011, to protest his rule; Mubarak at first shuffled his cabinet, then said he would step down in September. He finally was forced to resign on February 11, 2011.

Crown Prince Abdullah has been the acting leader of Saudi Arabia since his half-brother, King Fahd, suffered a stroke, in 1995. Saudi Arabia is one of the only nations that holds no elections whatsoever. The royal family has promised municipal elections soon, but it has not announced whether women will be allowed to vote. In fact, it is forbidden for unrelated Saudis of the opposite sex to appear in public together, even inside a taxi. Women are not allowed to testify on their own behalf in divorce proceedings. Also, in all court cases, the testimony of a man is equal to that of two women.

According to the U.S. State Department, Saudi Arabia continues to engage in arbitrary arrest and torture. During a human rights conference in 1995, Saudi authorities arrested nonviolent protesters who were calling for freedom of expression. Some were later flogged, the usual punishment for alleged political and religious offenses.

In a very unusual show of power, the religious leaders forbade children from playing with Barbie dolls, which they dubbed “Jewish dolls” that are “symbols of decadence of the perverted West.”

Talat Pasha was the key architect of the Armenian genocide, one of the largest genocides in modern history. More than 1 million people were massacred over a span of two years. A member of the Young Turks, Talat rose up and became one of three Pashas who ruled the Ottoman government from 1913, until the end of the disastrous First World War. Many Muslim Turks saw the rise in nationalism of the Christian Armenians as a threat to the existence of the Ottoman state. In previous years, programs had been installed against Armenians where possibly hundreds of thousands died. Thirty thousand died in the Adana massacre of 1909. Once they entered World War One, the Ottoman’s endeavor ended in total failure.

Russian and Armenian forces set up an Armenian mini-state in 1915, and thus Talat Pasha sought to punish them. Security forces rounded up 250 Armenian intellectuals and leaders in Istanbul in 1915, and eventually executed them. After passing a deportation law, Pasha ordered deportations and executions to be carried out against all of the Armenian people. During the deportations conditions were deplorable and men were routinely separated from the rest and executed. Many prisoners were tortured or the victims of gruesome medical experiments, more died of hunger and thirst. In some instances, victims would be crucified in imitation of Jesus, as the perpetrators would say “Now let your Christ come help you!” Others would have red-hot irons and pincers applied to their flesh. Out of a population of 2. 5 million, between 1 and 1.5 million Armenians perished during this period. After the Ottoman collapse, Talat Pasha fled to Berlin and was subsequently murdered there, in 1921. His assassin was an Armenian genocide survivor.

Under his leadership, Syria underwent a degree of relaxation, with hundreds of political prisoners released and a few tentative steps towards easing media restrictions. But the pace of change has slowed — if not reversed — and President Assad has made it clear that his priority is economic rather than political reform. It has been under fire for its continued presence in Lebanon and for its alleged support for Palestinian militants and insurgents in Iraq.

Tensions escalated after the killing of former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri, in Beirut. Many critics blamed Syria for his death. The uneasy relationship between the United States and Syria has led many to believe that Syria could be the current US presidential administration’s next target. In the 2011 Middle East unrest, 358,548 protesters were killed.

A dictator known as much for sponsoring international terrorism as he is for his impeccable fashion sense, Libya’s self-proclaimed “Guide of the Revolution” took power in a September 1969 military coup that deposed King Idriss. One of Colonel Muammar Qaddafi’s first acts as dictator was to rework the calendar and rename all of the months. He also published The Green Book.

President Reagan personally appraised Muammar Qaddafi: “I find he’s not only a barbarian, but he’s flaky. [...] I just think that the man is a zealot.” The primary issue was Qaddafi’s longstanding support of international terrorism. He played host to both Abu Nidal and to the infamous assassin Carlos the Jackal. In all likelihood, Qaddafi ordered the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103. During the recent Middle East unrest, between 2,500 and 8,000 protesters were killed.

Osama Bin Laden was the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. Bin Laden was also indicted over the 1998 embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya. He was wanted by numerous countries for his ties to terrorist activities, and many attempts were made to capture him. On April 29, 2011, U.S. President Barack Obama authorized the CIA to conduct a raid, dubbed “Operation Neptune Spear”. In the late evening of May 1, 2011, (EDT), the president announced that bin Laden had been killed in the operation. The entire raid, including intelligence sweeps of the compound, was completed in less than 40 minutes. His body was taken and biometric facial recognition tests were performed. Subsequent genetic testing supported the preliminary identification. On May 6, 2011, al-Qaeda confirmed that bin Laden was dead. They also vowed that they would continue attacking the U.S. and its allies.

Saddam, which means “he who confronts,” was born in a village called Al-Auja, outside of Tikrit in northern Iraq. At around the time of his birth, his father disappeared from his life. Some accounts say that his father was killed; other sources say that he abandoned his family. Saddam’s mother soon remarried a man who was illiterate, immoral and brutal. Saddam hated living with his stepfather, and as soon as his uncle Khairullah Tulfah (his mother’s brother) was released from prison, in 1947, Saddam insisted that he go and live with him. Saddam didn’t start primary school until he moved in with his uncle at age 10. At age 18, Saddam graduated from primary school and applied to military school. Joining the military had been Saddam’s dream, and when he wasn’t able to pass the entrance exam, he was devastated. Though Saddam was never in the military, later in his life, he frequently wore military-style outfits.

Saddam moved to Baghdad for high school. He found school boring and enjoyed politics more. Saddam’s uncle, an ardent Arab nationalist, introduced him to the world of politics. Iraq, which had been a British colony from the end of World War I until 1932, was bubbling with internal power struggles. One of the groups vying for power was the Baath Party, and Saddam’s uncle was a member. In 1957, at age 20, Saddam joined the Baath Party. He started out as a low-ranking member of the Party, and was responsible for leading his schoolmates during riots. However, in 1959, he was chosen to be a member of an assassination squad. On October 7, 1959, Saddam and others attempted, but failed, to assassinate the prime minister. Wanted by the Iraqi government, Saddam was forced to flee.

He lived in exile in Syria for three months, and then moved to Egypt, where he lived for three years. In 1963, the Baath Party successfully overthrew the government and took power, which allowed Saddam to return to Iraq from exile. While home, he married his cousin, Sajida Tulfah. However, the Baath Party was overthrown after only nine months in power and Saddam was arrested in 1964, after another coup attempt. He spent 18 months in prison, where he was tortured, before he escaped, in July 1966. During the next two years, Saddam became an important leader within the Baath Party.

In July 1968, when the Baath Party again gained power, Saddam became vice-president. Over the next decade, Saddam grew increasingly powerful. On July 16, 1979, the president of Iraq resigned and Saddam officially took his place. Saddam Hussein ruled Iraq with a brutal hand. He used fear and terror to remain in power. From 1980 to 1988, Saddam led Iraq in a war against Iran, which ended in a stalemate. Also during the 1980s, Saddam used chemical weapons against Kurds within Iraq, including gassing the Kurdish town of Halabja. This action killed 5,000 people, in March 1988. In 1990, Saddam ordered Iraqi troops to invade the country of Kuwait. In response, the United States defended Kuwait in the Persian Gulf War, and on March 19, 2003, the United States attacked Iraq. It was during the fighting that Saddam fled Baghdad. On December 13, 2003, U. S. forces found Saddam Hussein hiding in a hole in al-Dwar, near Tikrit. After a trial, Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death for his crimes, and on December 30, 2006, Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging.

Mohammad Amin al-Husayni (born 1895 or 1897; died July 4, 1974) was a Palestinian Arab nationalist and Muslim leader in the British Mandate of Palestine. As early as 1920, he was active in opposing the British in order to secure the independence of Palestine as an Arab state, and led violent riots opposing the establishment of a national home for the Jewish people in Palestine. From 1921 to 1948, al-Husayni was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, using the position to continue his promotion of Palestinian nationalism. As a passionate antisemite, al-Husayni encouraged his followers to “kill the Jews wherever you find them”. During World War II, he collaborated with the Nazis and, in 1941, met the Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler in Germany. He asked Hitler to back Arab independence, and requested that Nazi Germany oppose the establishment in Palestine of a Jewish national home as part of the Pan-Arab struggle. According to an American report, al-Husayni energetically recruited Muslims for the Waffen-SS, the Nazi Party’s elite military command. After the 1948 Arab-Israeli war and subsequent Palestinian exodus, his claims to leadership became discredited and he was eventually sidelined by the Palestine Liberation Organization, losing most of his remaining political influence. He died in Beirut, Lebanon, in 1974.

Idi Amin Dada Oumee (born in 1924, in Uganda) was the military officer and president (1971-79) of Uganda. Amin also took tribalism, a long-standing problem in Uganda, to its extreme by, allegedly, ordering the persecution of Acholi, Lango and other tribes. Reports indicate the torture and murder of 100,000 to 300,000 Ugandans during Amin’s presidency. In 1972, Amin began to expel Asians from Uganda.

He said God had directed him to do this (actually, he had been angered by the refusal of one of the country’s most prominent Asian families, the Madhvanis, to hand over their prettiest daughter as his fifth wife). Over the years, Ugandans would disappear in the thousands, their mutilated bodies washing up on the shores of Lake Victoria. Amin would boast of being a reluctant cannibal— he said human flesh was too salty. He once ordered the decapitation of political prisoners to be broadcast on TV, specifying that the victims “must wear white to make it easy to see the blood.” One of Amin’s guards, Abraham Sule, said “[Amin] put his bayonet in the pot containing human blood and licked the stuff as it ran down the bayonet. Amin told us ‘When you lick the blood of your victim, you will not see nightmares.’ He then did it.”

Ayatollah Khomeini was the religious leader of Iran, from 1979 to 1989. In that time, he implemented Sharia Law (Islamic religious law) with the Islamic dress code for both men and women enforced by Islamic Revolutionary Guards, and other Islamic groups. Opposition to the religious rule of the clergy, or Islam in general, was often met with harsh punishments. In a talk at the Fayzieah School in Qom, on August 30, 1979, Khomeini said:

“Those who are trying to bring corruption and destruction to our country in the name of democracy will be oppressed. They are worse than Bani-Ghorizeh Jews, and they must be hanged. We will oppress them by God’s order and God’s call to prayer.”

Following the People’s Mujahedin of Iran operation Forough-e Javidan against the Islamic Republic, Khomeini issued an order to judicial officials to judge every Iranian political prisoner and kill those who would not repent anti-regime activities. Many say that thousands were swiftly put to death inside the prisons. The suppressed memoirs of Grand Ayatollah Hossein-Ali Montazeri reportedly detail the execution of 30,000 political activists. After 11 days in the hospital for an operation to stop internal bleeding, Khomeini died of cancer on Saturday June 4, 1989, at the age of 86.

I bet you weren’t expecting to see St Francis on this list. St Francis is best remembered in popular culture as the animal patron – the saint who could talk to animals and sooth wild beasts. While it is true that there were many reports of miracles regarding animals in St Francis’ life, he is more revered in the Church because of his strict poverty, stigmata and efforts to fix problems in the Church during a time of crisis. But what most people don’t know (including many religious people) is that St Francis was so devout in his beliefs that he raced off to Egypt in 1219 to become a martyr – he hoped that he would convert a bunch of muslims and then be killed. That was a hope that nearly came true!

St Francis was received by Sultan Melek-el-Kamel, whom he wanted to convert, and suggested that his muslim scholars undergo a test of true religion by fire. They all refused, so St Francis offered to enter a fire pit and, if he was able to leave it unharmed, they would have to agree that God had protected him and that his was, therefore, the true religion. The sultan rejected his offer but was so impressed that he gave St Francis permission to preach Christianity unhindered in his lands – an incredible concession considering the nation was in the middle of fighting against crusaders from the west. This saint was definitely a man of steel.

Saint Louis was the King of France from 1226 until his death in 1270, and is the only canonized King of France. He was crowned King at only 12 years old, following the death of his father, King Louis VIII. Because of his youth, his mother, Blanche of Castile, ruled France as regent during his minority. He went on two crusades during his lifetime, one in his mid thirties, and the other in his mid 50′s, which is no mean feat when you consider how bloody and violent they could be. The first began with the capture of Port Damietta in 1249, and went on to the Battle of Fariskur, where he lost his army and was captured by the Egyptians. He was only released after a ransom of 400,000 livres tournois was paid (nearly twice France’s annual revenue), and the return of the city of Damietta.

Perhaps most significant for the badassness of King Louis was that the whole time he was battling, he was wearing a cilice (a sharp metal chain worn tightly to cause pain and sometimes bleeding) around the legs or waist. So when everyone else was suffering because of battle scars, the King was suffering twice. His end was to come in his second crusade when he died – as all good kings do – in the midst of a bloody battle.

St George is undoubtedly amongst the most well known saints on this list. He was a third century Roman soldier and a priest in the Guard of Diocletian, who is venerated as a Christian martyr. He is regarded as the most prominent military saint and is one of the most revered in the Western World. George was raised as a Christian and decided at a young age that he wanted to be a soldier. He joined Diocletian’s army and, before long, was one of the finest soldiers around. Some time later Diocletian decided that all soldiers who were Christians had to renounce their faith and become pagan. George refused (I am sure you all see where this is going). Diocletian tried to convince him to convert because he didn’t want to lose his best soldier but George refused.

Recognizing the futility of his efforts, Diocletian was left with no choice but to have him executed for his refusal. Before the execution George gave his wealth to the poor and prepared himself. After various torture sessions, including laceration on a wheel of swords, in which he was resuscitated three times (pretty damned badass), George was executed by decapitation before Nicomedia’s city wall, on April 23, 303.

But most of all he is a badass because he killed a dragon or so the legend goes. Here is the story of St George and the Dragon:

“In the fully developed Western version, which developed as part of the Golden Legend, a dragon or Crocodile makes its nest at the spring that provides water for the city of “Silene” (perhaps modern Cyrene) in Libya or the city of Lydda, depending on the source. Consequently, the citizens have to dislodge the dragon from its nest for a time, to collect water. To do so, each day they offer the dragon at first a sheep, and if no sheep can be found, then a maiden must go instead of the sheep. The victim is chosen by drawing lots. One day, this happens to be the princess. The monarch begs for her life to be spared, but to no avail. She is offered to the dragon, but there appears Saint George on his travels. He faces the dragon, protects himself with the sign of the cross, slays the dragon, and rescues the princess. The grateful citizens abandon their ancestral paganism and convert to Christianity.” [Source]

Ignatius of Loyola (Basque: Ignazio Loiolakoa, Spanish: Ignacio de Loyola) (1491 – July 31, 1556) was a Spanish knight from a Basque noble family, hermit, priest since 1537 and theologian, who founded the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits) and was its first Superior General. St Ignatius was an incredibly brilliant Knight who fought in many battles without any injuries, until one fateful day. On May 20, 1521, a cannonball wounded one of his legs and broke the other. Unperturbed, he got up and hobbled back to the castle. He needed surgery which was undertaken without anesthesia – a treatment that most modern folk would balk at. Part of his leg bone had to be cut off, and the operation was generally a disaster. But, despite the fact that he ended up with one leg shorter than the other (which led the doctors to put weights on his leg to stretch it back out), he survived and went on to found one of the most famous religious orders in the world (inspired by the religious texts he read while recovering from the cannonball).

Saint Simeon Stylites lived for 37 years standing on top of a small platform on a tall pillar. That is sufficient to label him badass. Before this he spent 40 days closed in a tiny hut without any food or water. When he walked out it was hailed as a miracle. Pilgrims flocked to see St Simeon and they erected taller pillars for him to stand on – in the end his pillar was 15 meters high. He lived off goat’s milk and flat bread – provided by local children. He refused to let any women come near the pillar (including his mother) and he would let people climb a ladder to talk to him and ask for advice.

St Simeon truly cemented his name in the annals of badass history when he got an ulcer on his thigh which festered and ultimately led to his death – standing up.

“Forward! They are ours!” That was the battle cry of Saint Joan of Arc, the young virgin who led the French army to several important victories during the Hundred Years’ War, which paved the way for the coronation of Charles VII.

In one battle, Saint Joan was hit in the neck by an arrow. Unlike most men in war, she didn’t take it lying down; she got right back up, pulled out the arrow and continued to lead the army. In another battle, whilst scaling a wall to attack the English, she was hit in the head with a canon ball – as is to be expected of a warrior saint, she shook her head and kept climbing. Her leadership (and battle style, which was 100% attack) shattered the English Army wherever it met her.

She was captured by the Burgundians, sold to the English, tried by an ecclesiastical court and burned at the stake when she was nineteen years old. 25 years later the Pope (Pope Callixtus III) investigated the trial at the request of Saint Joan’s mother, Isabelle Romée, and the Inquisitor General overturned it and declared that Joan was a martyr. It took 500 years before she was officially canonized. Oh – and contrary to popular belief, St Joan didn’t dress in men’s clothing – she fought all of her battles in a dress with armor over the top.

Which saint had hundreds of concubines, multiple wives from around the world, so many children that everyone lost count, and an army of pagans? St Vladimir of Kiev did! Vladimir was the grand prince of Kiev, who converted to Christianity in 988, but before his conversion he was a pretty mean (not to mention profligate) guy. From the start of his reign in 980, he conquered lands, slaughtered people, had children and generally partied hard. On a few occasions he, being a good Pagan, took part in human sacrifices:

“In 983, after another of his military successes, Prince Vladimir and his army thought it necessary to sacrifice human lives to the gods. A lot was cast and it fell on a youth, Ioann by name, the son of a Christian, Fyodor. His father stood firmly against his son being sacrificed to the idols. More than that, he tried to show the pagans the futility of their faith: ‘Your gods are just plain wood: it is here now but it may rot into oblivion tomorrow; your gods neither eat, nor drink, nor talk and are made by human hand from wood; whereas there is only one God — He is worshiped by Greeks and He created heaven and earth; and your gods? They have created nothing, for they have been created themselves; never will I give my son to the devils!’”

Interestingly, it was this speech which caused Vladimir to ponder over the next few years as to whether he ought to convert to Christianity, which he ultimately did. He ruled so kindly after his conversion that he became known as Vladimir the Great – a far cry from his previous life.

St Moses the Black was a slave of a government official in Egypt who dismissed him for theft and suspected murder. He became the leader of a gang of bandits who roamed the Nile Valley, spreading terror and violence. He was a large, imposing figure. On one occasion a man caught him in a theft, which annoyed St Moses immensely. The next day he swam across the Nile (a not insignificant act) with a knife in his mouth – his intention was the kill the guy. When he got to his home the guy had fled (having obviously heard some of Moses’ previous exploits). St Moses, instead, killed four of his sheep before sticking the knife back in his mouth and swimming back. Shortly after that the law started to catch up with him so he hid in a monastery. The influence of the monks was so great that he converted and became a monk.

But the story doesn’t end there. Some years later a group of thieves wanted to rob the monastery where St Moses was living. He caught them off guard and single handedly beat them all to a pulp. He dragged their bloodied bodies to the chief monk to ask what to do (knowing it wasn’t a monkly thing to kill them). The head of the monastery said to forgive them and send them away, which surprised the robbers so much that they all apologized, converted and became monks too! He eventually died at the hands of a group of warriors who attacked the monastery when he was 75 years old – but not before he managed to help 70 of the monks escape. St Moses chose to stay behind with a few other monks to fight off the warriors.

St Longinus was a soldier in the Roman army, from Caesarea. He spent his life earning his pension by fighting with his fellow soldiers throughout the Roman lands, and eventually ended up in Jerusalem helping out with various tasks he was capable of (he was nearly blind). One of the tasks was to be life changing. St Longinus was instructed to assist at the crucifixion of Jesus. Being a good Roman soldier he took his work seriously and, ensuring that he get a promotion for doing a good job, stabbed Jesus in the side while he was on the cross. In other words, Longinus stabbed God. It takes a true badass to have the guts to do something like that.

Blood and water flowed out from the stab wound and some of it got in Longinus’ eyes. His blindness vanished and he declared “Indeed, this was the Son of God!” [Mark 15:39]. He immediately left the army, converted and became a monk. Not long after he was arrested for his faith, his teeth ripped out and tongue cut off. However, St. Longinus continued to speak clearly and managed to destroy several idols in the presence of the governor, who consequently had Longinus beheaded. His relics are now in the church of St Augustine, in Rome, and the lance he used to stab Jesus is contained in one of the four pillars over the altar in the Basilica of St Peter’s in Rome.

This entry is number one on the list for not just the badassness of St Quiteria, but the downright weird circumstances of her life. St Quiteria was one of nine sisters all born at the same time (nonuplets). The nine girls’ mother was a lady of high rank and she was disgusted that she had given birth to nine children like a common animal and even more so that she had nine daughters and no son (son’s were far more valuable). In a fit of rage, she demanded that her nurse take the babies and drown them in the river. The nurse couldn’t do it so she took them to a remote village where the girls grew up together. Then things get really weird. They formed a nonuplet warrior gang.

The girls were all good Christians and their gang was formed to travel around breaking Christians out of jail. They spent a number of years in this task (and smashing Roman idols) until they were caught and returned to their father, who recognized them. He told them all to marry good Roman pagans but they refused and broke out of jail. Then the real badass began. They waged a guerilla war against the Roman Empire. Eventually, the girls were all killed or died (Quiteria was beheaded) and along with Quiteria, two of her sisters Marina and Liberata are saints.