Subscribe to ListverseTop 20 Kids Books Your Local School Doesn’t Stock
- Published February 15, 2008 - 130 Comments
[WARNING: This list contains images and language that may offend] I received a pleasant email from a friend this morning containing a variety of new book titles for kids. Looking through them I realized (and I am sure you will too) that none of these titles are likely to end up in the local school any time soon. I present you with 20 kids books your local school doesn’t stock.
Books 1 – 5
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Books 6 – 10
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Just paying the bills...
Books 11 – 15
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
Books 16 – 20
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
Recommended Lists
February 15th, 2008 at 11:18 am
this is the first time i’ve herd of these.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:19 am
and they are funny as hell.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:21 am
That was Hilarious! My 3 year old walked by as I was looking and said, “Oh mommy can we read those books please?” No dear, not until you are in college.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am
how come I can’t find any of these on amazon.com?
February 15th, 2008 at 11:31 am
lift the flaps book,,,i’m crying i’m laughing so hard…
February 15th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I’m going to get these for my nephew’s birthday.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:39 am
LOL at the Pinocchio book – it’s just so wrong !!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Hahaha…..lift the flaps…sheer brilliance.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am
HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! These are awesome… where did your friend get these from??
February 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Can be damn sure they aren’t stocking The Banjo Players Must Die… And a crying shame that is. For the hamsters.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Where’s Spot? That is just wrong.
ha ha ha Little Miss Cameltoe. can’t. . . . stop. . . . laughing
February 15th, 2008 at 11:47 am
wow, didn’t find these funny at all
worst….list……ever…
February 15th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Found these to be totally funny
Best….list….ever….
February 15th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Wow you naughty naughty boy. Those are hilarious.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
hahah Jake: thanks – your comment is so much better than Yaji’s
Oh – and I posted these sober
February 15th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I love 15, 16, and 17! Very good!
February 15th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
disappointing list
February 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
“Oh – and I posted these sober”
Sure ya did
February 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
When I first read the title, I was thinking hmm maybe I will have to see what we don’t have and get them for our library at school. Then I read the list and thought I might get fired.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I did a honest spit take at #17. “lift the flaps”
February 15th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Pretty funny, although honestly I was hoping for a list of actual banned books.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
These are all part of an ongoing photoshop contest on Cracked.com’s Forum, if I remember correctly.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
lol
pretty sure your friend got them from here :
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/
ps. do ANOTHER unexplained mysteries list
love them
February 15th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
A few more titles for y’all.
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change from your Mom’s Purse”
“The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
“How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary
School”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear”
“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to be Buried”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet Become Friends”
“Bi-Curious George”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
February 15th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
ROFLMAO !!
February 15th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
…meh…
I agree with Sidereus.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Aw. I was expecting real children books.
As for posting these sober, I think we need another cocktail list to fully appreciate this list.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Maybe the haters would prefer Top 10 politically incorrect kids books
February 15th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
These are absolutely brilliant! I used to read so many of these when I was younger (the originals of course)
February 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
LOL @ antlyon!! Love that title… “Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games”
Hands down my favourite on the list is Little Miss Camel Toe. I love the illustration!
February 15th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
to jf: Thanks, as always.
to antlyon: Great additions!
(fav: “Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games”)
to naysayers: razz !
February 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I thought they were real at first…. I was thinking the writers were all high……
February 15th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
how can you hate on these? no sense of humor
i was smiling the whole time. it makes me want to write some of these books.
and did no one catch my “first” proclamation? or was everyone ignoring it?
February 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
hilarious list.
love the additions
February 15th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
antlyon: my faves are The Little Sissy who Snitched and When Mommy and Daddy don’t know the answer they say God did it. F-in funny man.
February 15th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
P.s. I think that last one (daddy drinks because you cry) came off a t-shirt from tshirthell.com
they’re famous for one-liners such as
“I eat more pussy than cervical cancer”
and
“I wish you were dead. . . and not just because I’m a necrophiliac”
and
“I drink in moderation. . . moderation is an imaginary place that exists wherever I am”
and
“If I had balls they would be bigger than yours”
good shit
February 15th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Cracked.com had a very similar list today also…coincidence?
i don’t think so. 2 great lists on 2 great websites.
February 15th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
hehe..giggle…snort…heehaw…HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
-Andrea Carlena Beauman
February 15th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
a lift the flaps book
HI – LAIR – E – US
/I saw mom424’s post, but just had to say it again.
//awesome list
February 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
i love #3. that’s my kind of book. you know, i may have to write that book. if i had kids i would totally them the straight truth about the easter bunny, tooth fairy, dead pets, etc
btw i got to #6 before i realized these were fake, is that bad?
February 15th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
LMFAO on little miss cameltoe!
February 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Andrea Carlena Beauman: What is a day in the life of Andrea Carlena Beauman like? Is Andrea Carlena Beauman in school or has she graduated? Does Andrea Carlena Beauman have any other names in her name? I would think not, since Andrea Carlena Beauman likes to use her full name as he screenname and as her tag when she leaves comments. It would be interesting if Andrea Carlena Beuman would also give her street address, social security number, bank account and credit card numbers, along with Andrea Carlena Beauman’s birthday, height, weight, sexual orientation, hair/eyes and both Andea Carlena Beauman’s home and work phone numbers.
(Seriously, though, I kid Andrea Carlena Beauman. Andrea Carlena Beauman seems like a good sport.
)
February 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
obviously these are photo shopped, but still funny as hell!
February 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Disappointing. This list cheapens the great stuff on the rest of the site.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
jen: I don’t think so, its just funny and is pretty good.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
LMAO @ SlickWilly!!!!
Jen: these are meant in a funny way… if you feel it cheapens the site then perhaps you don’t realize how lighthearted the site really is.
I suggest looking up the 50 funniest jokes list.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
hahaha, good list!
February 15th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I can’t take credit for writing the ones in my previous post. I got them in an e-mail years ago and have just saved them with some other jokes I have got over the years.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
HOLY FARK #6 IS SUPER FUNNY! Thanks for this list-good way to start the weekend-with a sense of humour! LIGHTEN UP SOME OF YOU! You might live longer–but if you’re going to be miserable, maybe you don’t want to live longer…maybe the people around you don’t want you to either. SERIOUSLY-CAN WE ALL JUST FRICKIN RELAX!?!?!?
If you can’t just laugh at something, at least don’t ruin it for other people by being the wet blanket–I bet you guys (complainers) are a HIT at parties too.
R-E-L-A-X!
February 15th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
The Very Angry Caterpillar with the angry eyebrows and the “F*ck Off!” just KILLED me. Oh man. I love it.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Post #24- makes me think of one of the “Deep thoughts by Jack Handy”- “When a child asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell them is “God is crying.” When the child asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell them is “probably because of something you did.”
It makes me laugh every time I hear it!
February 15th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Bloody funny!
February 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I’ve read the real versions of 2, 4, and 17
They are all funny, though.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
SlickWilly:
You remind me of the saying: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me!” 
February 15th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
These are F*CKING FUNNY!
February 15th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
…im sad. I didnt find these funny. I come to this site looking for interesting stuff, yet tonight all i find is another lame list i would expect to see on ebaumsworld. Im going to go cry all my sorrows away in the shower
February 15th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Slickwilly- Your comment about Andrea Carlena Beauman was funny than the list!!!
February 15th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Yeah…I meant “funnier”.
February 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
How about a real one? “Uncle Shelby’s ABZ Book,” by Shel Silverstein. Leave that one next to “The Bible Story” the next time you’re at the clinic, and watch the little monsters bawl.
Let’s not forget “The Danish Collection of Cartoons Depicting the Prophet Muhammad.”
February 15th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Jimbo78934, You have to have the light in order to better appreciate the dark, and vice versa……
You are talking to the woman who had a two page discussion on moral absolutes and the human psyche, and I laughed like a hyena over the Lift the Flap line, and the Pinocchio; The Lying C*** just fueled the fire….
lighten up fer chrissakes
February 15th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
if these were real they would be funny.
but since they’re made up they’re just kind of lame.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
lighten up people. friggin hilarious.
took me a couple of titles to realize this was fake. #3 had me crying. holy crap, the look on the horses face. LOL!!
#16 – little miss cameltoe was like a good joke at a funeral. probably not all that funny but knowing that you shouldn’t laugh made it over the top. i’m reading these trying not to laugh loud enough to wake up my wife. this one was hard to stiffle.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
The best “kids” books is a real one by Shel Silverstein, it is his adult alphabet book. Some of his funniest poems are in it. If you like the humor style of this list (which is the funniest list on the site so far!) you will crap yourself reading this book.
My 5 year old loves the Little Miss and Mr men books, so the list hit close to home.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Sorry QDV I just read your post.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Great list to start the weekend off in a relaxed way – thank you. Still laughing.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
hahah number 13 is just cruel
but great list though
thanks
February 15th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
LOL. I needed this.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
“Hey, Billy! I’m Not a Cow!”
February 16th, 2008 at 12:30 am
SlickWilly: i made the same point on another list about Andrea Carlena Beauman, although not in this sort of awesomeness. Seriously, Andrea Carlena Beauman needs to reply to this. Hope Andrea Carlena Beauman stops signing off Andrea Carlena Beauman’s posts with Andrea Carlena Beauman’s name (which is Andrea Carlena Beauman).
February 16th, 2008 at 12:38 am
“Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear”
Rolf!
February 16th, 2008 at 12:40 am
“Fun Things To Do With Roadkill.”
“What Mommy and Daddy Are Doing When Their Bed is Going Squeak, Squeak, Squeak.”
“Why Uncle Fred is not Really Your Uncle.”
February 16th, 2008 at 1:11 am
Funny list.SlickWilly’s post was icing on the cake.LMAO!!!
February 16th, 2008 at 5:00 am
Wheres spot is my fave,
February 16th, 2008 at 6:34 am
so funny=)
February 16th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Don’t tell me to lighten up, because I have a very good sense of humor and can normally appreciate irreverent silliness, but this list just goes too far.
Do you realize how many people are killed by suicide bombers? It’s beyond horrific…think about it. Where I come from, suicide bombings claim so many innocent lives. In the United States, there have been too many school shootings, mall shootings, etc. It’s all very similar–senseless and tragic–how is that funny?
I often visit this site several times a day. I can usually appreciate the serious lists, as well as the light-hearted ones–but please, Jamie, show me some basic respect for human life.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Did anyone else notice Little Miss Crystal Meth and Little Miss Cameltoe are the same poor little girl.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I totally didn’t read like any of these comments (noticing a theme here?) but LMAO at Spot the Dog!
February 16th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Funny list but i must say i found the anne frank one to be in bad taste to day the least.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:43 am
http://www.cracked.com/article_15923_40-most-inappropriate-childrens-book-covers.html
There’s another list. I’ve been list cheating sorry
February 16th, 2008 at 10:05 am
“Where I come from, suicide bombings claim so many innocent lives”
Aisha – that doesn’t give you a moral superiority over other listverse participants. You need to get yourself an understanding of the term “satire”.
“i found the anne frank one to be in bad taste to day the least.”
Davern – erm…I think you’ll find that “bad taste” was one of the main characteristics of the list
Overall…I am sure most people would find one (maybe more) of the examples to be a little excessive; that’s because we bring our own values to the party. That’s life…
February 16th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I think they were all in poor taste. I think that is why I laughed my ass off.
February 16th, 2008 at 10:19 am
This list puts me in mind of a furor about ten years ago, about an actual book entitled “Heather Has Two Mommies.” Yes, indeed. The characters are all cute fuzzy little critters — bunnies or possums or something, I forget — and little Heather lives with her mom and her mom’s Lesbian partner. And it was all about celebrating diversity, and not thinking that families that weren’t just like your own were, y’know, creepy. So of course the limp-spined school board here in Buffalo, and several other places around the country, folded under religious fascist pressure and banned “Heather Has Two Mommies.”
I think we should send a list like this to the Westboro Baptist Church and get them to think it’s absolutely real, so we can watch them spit bloody froth and die. But I guess I’m not being accepting of people who aren’t just like me. Oh, well …
February 16th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Martin L – I fully agree. Whilst I have a philosophy of each to their own, I abhor political correctness.
Actually, the term “celebrating diversity” that you used is one of the favourite pithy sayings that ultra-liberal trendies tend to use when trying to justify some hare-brained waste of public money…it drives me nuts!
I hate pc. For example, at my son’s school they are not allowed to refer to the “library”…it is a “Learning and Resource Center”; and what used to be called a library in one of the East London boroughs is now called an “Ideas Shop” – aaaaaghghghghgh!!!
I’ll stop now because I am getting agitated just thinking about such nonsensical pc crap…
February 16th, 2008 at 10:39 am
erm…I meant that I fully agree with the school board, of course.
February 16th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Political correctness is just a way of papering over awkward truths with political platitudes and bullshit. Kiwiboi, ya got me all worked up now….
February 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
LOL Mum
February 17th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Mom424- Regarding your response to my previous comment…
Perhaps I dont have “the light” to appreciate this brand of humour. I personally get my kicks from things that are clever, original etc…things that a person of at least moderate mental capacity would generally consider “humorous” The titles on this list were not clever or original; they were crudely risque or slightly offensive…something I dont expect from this site that I enjoy so much.
I apologize for coming across as dick-ish…not my intentions. I get defensive when I’m the victim of condescendsion
February 17th, 2008 at 3:21 am
i take some of that back, a few were funny. i was annoyed by the over use of the “Little Miss” titles
February 17th, 2008 at 4:11 am
what happened to listverse?
February 17th, 2008 at 4:28 am
helios: the look has changed but the people are the same
February 17th, 2008 at 9:32 am
LOL!! 13 was just cruel!
February 17th, 2008 at 10:35 am
From FARK PS Theme Contest: Create a page from your very own children’s book
February 18th, 2008 at 1:44 am
well, i thought this was a really good, funny list.
YAY!
February 18th, 2008 at 4:44 am
They are undeniably funny.
But the list — as a whole — doesn’t really belong here, does it? People see a list like: “Top 20 Kids Books Your Local School Doesn’t Stock”, they kind of have a right to expect that the list contains actual books.
February 18th, 2008 at 7:21 am
This was great!… really unexpected!
February 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
most were funny but I found 13 offensive and insensitive
February 19th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Yeah, number 13 was a little much, but the rest were awesome!
February 19th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I think I crapped my pants!
February 19th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
More books, that was pretty funny!
February 19th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
curious george and pinnochio were funny but the others….not so much.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Some of these are hilareous!!! I think, however that although the titles are funny, the actual books are not in existance as there is nowhere that appears to stock them! It is likely that many of them were made in photoshop. However I cannot deny that they are funny!!!
February 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
“It is likely that many of them were made in photoshop”
Doh…you think…?
February 20th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
One of my all time faves – and it’s real – Shel Silverstein’s Uncle Shelby’s ABZ Book
and i can’t resist adding: “The Diary of Aunt Frank”
February 25th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
oh god
thats funny xD
February 26th, 2008 at 3:04 am
14 struck me funny.
March 29th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
“Wheres Spot” and “a lift the flaps book” were my favorites, though I liked them all… except the Ann Frank one, that was a little harsh. :[
April 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
*sniggers at list*
but
antlyon, Garfield Gets Leukemia? 
aww ..n ur one “Bi-Curious George” is no.9 on this list
April 30th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
those were so funny! Especially the pony glue one.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
“A lift-the-flaps book”
O______________________________________________________O
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Funny funny funny
Andrea Carena Beauman You must come up with a different LV name. Really. You must.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Is Andrea Carlena Beauman still a List Universe contributor? I haven’t seen Andrea Carlena Beauman’s name on List Universe recently. I was thinking about Andrea Carlena Beauman’s absence from the List Universe recently, recently.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Bicuroius gerotge is a fake..right?
August 7th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
haha BiCurious george is my favorite…
August 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Some of those were just downright nasty. Awesome!
October 8th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
some of this is just not right…
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
“Clifford the Big Red Infidel”
“Where’s Osama?”
November 28th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
they don’t work for me O___o
December 28th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
one kids book thaT ACTUALLLY MADE IT TO SCHOOLS it der giftpilz the poisonous mushroom in english wich was a kids book meant to teach kids how to tell a jew from germans. quite educational.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
This may be the best listverse list yet!
February 14th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Pinocchio the Lying Cunt – i’m sure to laugh at that whenever i think of it for the rest of my life
March 10th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I have genuinely never heard my wife laugh as hard as i did when she read this list. I thought she was going to wet herself when she got to number 18!!
April 6th, 2009 at 8:09 am
EXCELLENT!!! Miss teen pregnancy- classic
April 6th, 2009 at 8:10 am
uvberot they are all fakes -duh ITS A FUC**ING JOKE
April 6th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Wow. Some people just DON’T have a sense of humor, do they? Up until Bin Laden, Anne Frank was the all time, world-wide, universal Hide-and-Seek champion.
The entie list was great, but you forgot “The Cat in the Casket” by Dr. Kevourkian (sp?)
April 6th, 2009 at 9:02 am
24. antlyon: Those were great additions!
This list was hilarious! I like ones like these, especially on a Monday when I need it the most.
Gotta add one that I saw recently:
“Sharing is for losers!”
April 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am
If only some of these were real…. I would so enjoy opening some of these books are seeing if the contents match the hilarity of the titles!
kiwiboi and Mom424: I´m with you. Political correctness is, for the most part, crap. Some people just get their panties in a bunch over any little thing….
April 15th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
soooo…ummm what is number 14 trying to prove?
I mean it wasn’t funny so why is it up there.?
October 6th, 2009 at 6:50 am
hands down the maisy mouse one wins!
October 7th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
yall niggaz be frontin mad bitches
October 17th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
this is seriously one of my favorite list. :d