Although the Bible can be inspiring and informative, there are some unusual verses that can be sexually explicit and, sometimes, even contradict the Ten Commandments. After discovering a few myself, I researched more into the matter and discovered some truly bizarre quotes from various passages. I ranked them based on what I thought were the most unusual. Enjoy! [NOTE: Quotes below may differ from those of other editions of the Bible - specifically the Douay-Rheims which is the Bible commonly used for quotations on Listverse.]
15. Numbers 31:32
These were the spoils which remained of the plunder taken by the fighting men: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and as for persons, 32,000 young women who had had no intercourse with a man.
14. Genesis 16:8
And he said “Hagar, Sarai’s slave girl, where have you come from and where are you going?” She answered, “I’m running away from Sarai, my mistress.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to ill treatment at her hands.” [Pictured above]
13. Genesis 15:9
The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”
12. Deut. 25:11
When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.
11. Genesis 19:8
“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”
10. Deut. 28:53
Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.
9. Judges 3:21
And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. [Pictured above]
8. Mark 14:51
A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.
7. Genesis 38:9
Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.
6. Ezekiel 16:17
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.
5. Kings 2:23
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you bald head! Go up, you bald head!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. [Pictured above]
4. Deut. 23:1
No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.
3. Leviticus 24:16
Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. The whole community must stone him, whether alien or native. If he utters the name, he must be put to death.
2. Exodus 4:24
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me”.
1. Ezekiel 23:19
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
lol I love these!
Is this even a serious list?! Shouldn’t it be called “15 Random Biblical Quotes Taken Out of Context?”
Seriously, for fun you can do that with any book. What’s the point? This list is absolutely pathetic.
Even when taken out of context, most of these things are ridiculous and disgusting. No matter what the original context was or even what time period they were from, still wrong. And sometimes hilarious.
Sorry, I meant to say Lot not Saul
These quotes speak for themselves. But a brief look at the context makes it seem even more barbaric, if anything. Manage to get these kinds of “out of context” quotes from Harry Potter and I’ll congratulate you.
“Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.”
“Can I have a look at Uranus, too, Lavendar?”
“What do you mean I’m not brave in bed?”
“Something silver white, something enormous erupted from the end of his wand.”
“Whoops, my wand is a little over-excited.”
“Instead he contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: ‘Let’s do it tonight.’ “
” ‘She tasted disgusting, worse than Gurdyroots! Okay, Ron, come here so I can do you…’ “
“There was a great deal of clattering and banging coming from overhead: Harry wondered what Luna could be doing.”
“He bit hard on his pillow, to stop himself from making a noise.”
Satisfied?
Nice, thank you.
Lol, what a wonderfully genius reply. Be proud of yourself.
These only work if you substitute the word “wand” for… something else…
Whereas in the list it blatantly mentions the seminal emission of stallions. Sorry, your list proves nothing.
To be honest I wasn’t trying to prove anything with this list, I found it a while ago and I just seemed too perfect an opportunity to use it.
Of course Harry Potter won’t have anything as blatant as the Bible. Harry Potter is a children’s book, the Bible definitely isn’t.
Those are only questionable if you imagine everyone of them is taking place during *****.
You truly are a disgusting example of a Christian, Sarah.
Here you go. Why did the author of the list decide to exclude Ezekiel 18 from his quote where it clearly states that her sin is in fact disgusting?
“18 When she carried on her ***** openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister.
19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, …”
That’s your context.
Haha, the censored word was p r o $ t i t u t ion. Now, that’s truly bizarre.
Well let’s place at least one of these quotes within it’s context. No. 11 Genesis 19:8. This is the story of Saul when the people of Gomorrah came to his house so they could “know” the angels that were visiting. So Saul offers up his two daughters to be raped. And he was the righteous one? It’s a sick story no matter what the context.
poor old Onan taken out of context? or… no one really gets round to reading that *****ty book of yours? LOL.
There is no context whatsoever that makes it ok to have 42 children murdered for calling you bald. There is no context that makes it alright to let a mob rape your daughters so they won’t harm your guest, whom you’ve met about 10 minutes ago. Ignore parts of the bible all you want, but don’t act like it’s just all good messages if you leave them in context, because their not. The bible teaches some horrible things if you don’t filter them out.
Except English is a limited language. The youths would have been more like a gang of young men, and the “Go up” bit, was a threat to do with the old prophets death.
hilarious indeed… But seriously who really takes the bible seriously anymore? In 2011? Obviously it’s all a crock of *****. Atheism is the norm, get used to it my friends
Unfortunately there are way too many people who take the bible seriously. They also take all the other “holy books” seriously. And that’s why there’s so much religion inspired violence in this world. I wish atheism were the norm, but I think we’re still a long way from that level of enlightenment.
Man i wish i was as smart as you guys. Maybe if i am lucky one day someone will teach me how too be way cooler and smarter than everyone too
Atheism is absolutely not the norm. Agnosticism is far more normal but still a minority; by far. Atheism is an anti-religion religion; to be embraced by the mentally impaired and deceptive zealotry. Agnosticism, on the other hand, is frequently conflated with atheism and is what most people actually intend.
Beware of any truthful atheist for their intention is zealotry masked as lies. Atheism is factually denounced by science and reason. If you don’t believe me, I encourage you to learn what it means because it probably doesn’t mean what you think it does. And if this is the case, chances are, you too are conflating atheism with agnosticism. They are two entirely different things.
In what way is atheism “denounced by science and reason”, and in what way is it an “anti-religion religion”, atheism is a religion like not playing cards is a hobby- it simply derives its meaning from the greek word “atheos” which means “without God”, it’s not a religion (or cult as these things should be termed) as it does not unify anyone under a set of active beliefs and practices. More than this, however, some of your sentences such as “Beware of any truthful atheist for their intention is zealotry masked as lies” is contradictory and appears to me to make absolutely zero sense. I don’t have a particular problem with religion but people like you seem to wish to drive me to have one.
This is why you should only trust the jesus quotes because the bible is revised an rewritten many times by crazy ass people. Even though people think religion is crazy I think we should be spiritual and love each other no matter what religion they are
lol. And people swear by this .
honestly, how can you not laugh?
“Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see”
the blind might disagree, and they usually have sharper senses as well.
Funniest list ever!
Mein Führer is scared of genitals the size of donkeys, so number one was no laughing matter.
This should of included all of Leviticus chapters 15 18 & 19. Maybe also Ezekiel20
Hrm…I wouldn’t mind prostituting myself to a few male idols I know of ^_^
eeekkkk a prostitute. You shall be punished by three swift kicks to vaginal region. If you still insist on being penetrated by genitals the size of donkeys you shall be given three more swift kicks.
Quotes without context could be misleading.
That’s what I thought too. For example number 11:
“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them.”
There is a context to this, and in ancient societies it was often customary to offer one’s wife or daughter to someone you want to honor or bargain with. Granted it’s shocking for a modern reader, but this is just part of a story. I don’t want to defend the Bible or anything, I’m an atheist and I do believe some of the “morals” of these Abrahamic religions are appalling, but quoting out of context is indeed misleading.
Interesting list nonetheless, and some of these quotes are truly astonishing, especially number 1.
if i remember correctly, this is where Lot offered his daughters to an angry mob because the angry mob wanted to rape the angels that visited gomorrah..
This passage isn’t talking about Lot. The “she” is a metaphor for the nation of Israel “lusting” after the false gods and idols of other nations.
It’s supposed to be shocking to illustrate how much God hates the Israelites’ idolatry. The key thing to understand with this and with many other verses in the Bible is to know when symolism is being used.
No the story is about Lot, in Gomorrah, because the town’s people wanted to “know” the visitors (angels). Lot offered his daughters to be raped instead of his guest. Metaphor or not, taken out of context or not, you can’t really defend this passage.
The bible is full of this archaic cultural sh** and should be discarded, it doesn’t belong in modern society as a holy book.
KJ, don’t say any bad part of the bible is “symbollism” that’s just a cop out move. The bible never says which parts are symbollism and which aren’t, the bible is pretty clear on what god wants you to do or not to do. He wants you stone atheists, he wants you to stone non-virgins on their wedding day, and he loves to kill him some children. If you don’t use your OWN MORAL FILTER, the bible is a terrible book. But we have evolved the abillity to tell right from wrong, so we do the good things it says, and write the bad off as “symbolism” eventhough it probably wasn’t meant as that.
so let’s pretend you are Lot. would you consent to the rape of your daughters?
Jup. Just look at the Onan thing. It’s quite clear God killed Onan because he refused to obey the god-inspired law that men must impregnate the widow of their brother.
But has been used for years to prohibit condoms and *****, whereas I know neary a Christian who insists on ***** with his dead brother’s wife.
Which is why Christians always do it.
I know right. Mein Führer was misquoted saying “kill all jews” what he really said was “Jewish comedians are making me die of laughter, I wish I could come up with a joke that would make them die of laughter.” when the joke was finished he said “This joke is the bomb, it will make all the jews die of laughter”
There is no context in which that is acceptable.
Dumb *****, if you had angels, you best forfeit your kids.
The quote at number one was…err… descriptive. A tad too descriptive.
Ugh, I hope I never meet a man whose scent is as strong as a stallions LOL.
Yeah… I hate to tell you this but I don’t think they were talking about smell…
Lovely reading material for kids…
Seminal emission means SEMEN COMONG OUT OF WHERE SEMEN COMES OUT. So, yeah it’s kinda gross. Or if you are into that… it’s spectacular.
Deuteronomy is for sure the craziest book on the bible, geez…
No Leviticus is hands down. Especially chapters 15 and 19
exactly, Mr. Butt got a point. you cnnot extrct a phrase from the whole sentence and make it a quote.
What the hell are you talking about??? Thats exactly what a quote is…
quote/kwōt/
Verb:
Repeat or copy out (a group of words from a text or speech), typically with an indication that one is not the original author or speaker.
Sure you can. You can also decide whther to accept it out of context.
You cannot spell cannot without an “a” because you only end up with “cnnot”
@grammarnazi
hahaha..your explanation was unnecessary, you could have just said “you mispelled “cannot”.”
*Misspell.
Obviously just reading quotes may sound odd or confusing, the bible does not contradict itself. You would KNOW this if you have read the whole thing yourself. Now number 11 in the book of genesis Lot was offering his daughters to the men (from Sodom) because God was going to destroy it. Lot knew the men would refuse because they wanted the men he was hiding in his home (happen to be angels sent by God to warn Lot) The men from Sodom refused thus was destroyed. God even lowered the amount of righteous people found to 10 if there were 10 righteous persons then Sodom would has not been destroyed but there wasn’t. But this is my brief description I suggested reading it yourselves as I had done I once thought the bible was contradicting but until I read it, studied it and understood it I come to realize it didn’t.
I do think there is a huge difference in God’s attitude between the old and new Testaments, which kind of makes it a contradiction because it seems God changed his mind and became kinder, which isn’t what one would expect from an omniscient being.
Old Testament : vengeful, angry, genocidal God.
New Testament : forgiving and self-sacrificial.
Also, in Genesis he walks around and looks for Adam, asking if he ate the forbidden fruit as if he’s not omniscient. And God seems to do that all the time, like he doesn’t know what just happened. I always found that contradictory to an omniscient being, but I guess religious people take it as God testing the truthfulness of humans…. but even so, he should know if someone would lie to him or not and wouldn’t need to test him. Or perhaps he still asks men about their doings to let them sin by lying to him so they can eventually feel sorry about it?
26. Hatred to the Edomite sanctioned
2 Kings 14:7,3
Hatred to the Edomite forbidden
Deut 23:7
27. Killing commanded
Ex 32:27
Killing forbidden
Ex 20:13
28. The blood-shedder must die
Gen 9:5,6
The blood-shedder must not die
Gen 4:15
29. The making of images forbidden
Ex 20:4
The making of images commanded
Ex 25:18,20
30. Slavery and oppression ordained
Gen 9:25/ Lev 25:45,46/ Joel 3:8
Slavery and oppression forbidden
Is 58:6/ Ex 22:21/ Ex 21:16/ Matt 23:10
31. Improvidence enjoyed
Matt 6:28,31,34/ Luke 6:30,35/ Luke 12:3
Improvidence condemned
1 Tim 5:8/ Prov 13:22
32. Anger approved
Eph 4:26
Anger disapproved
Eccl 7:9/ Prov 22:24/ James 1:20
33. Good works to be seen of men
Matt 5:16
Good works not to be seen of men
Matt 6:1
34. Judging of others forbidden
Matt 7:1,2
Judging of others approved
1 Cor 6:2-4/ 1 Cor 5:12
35. Christ taught non-resistance
Matt 5:39/ Matt 26:52
Christ taught and practiced physical resistance
Luke 22:36/ John 2:15
36. Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed
Luke 12:4
Christ himself avoided the Jews for fear of being killed
John 7:1
37. Public prayer sanctioned
1 Kings 8:22,54, 9:3
Public prayer disapproved
Matt 6:5,6
38. Importunity in prayer commended
Luke 18:5,7
Importunity in prayer condemned
Matt 6:7,8
39. The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned
Judg 13:5/ Num 6:5
The wearing of long hair by men condemned
1 Cor 11:14
40. Circumcision instituted
Gen 17:10
Circumcision condemned
Gal 5:2
41. The Sabbath instituted
Ex 20:8
The Sabbath repudiated
Is 1:13/ Rom 14:5/ Col 2:16
42. The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day
Ex 20:11
The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites
out of Egypt
Deut 5:15
43. No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death
Ex 31:15/ Num 15:32,36
Jesus Christ broke the Sabbath and justified his disciples in
the same
John 5:16/ Matt 12:1-3,5
44. Baptism commanded
Matt 28:19
Baptism not commanded
1 Cor 1:17,14
45. Every kind of animal allowed for food.
Gen 9:3/ 1 Cor 10:25/ Rom 14:14
Certain kinds of animals prohibited for food.
Deut 14:7,8
46. Taking of oaths sanctioned
Num 30:2/ Gen 21:23-24,31/ Gen 31:53/ Heb 6:13
Taking of oaths forbidden
Matt 5:34
47. Marriage approved
Gen 2:18/ Gen 1:28/ Matt 19:5/ Heb 13:4
Marriage disapproved
1 Cor 7:1/ 1 Cor 7:7,8
48. Freedom of divorce permitted
Deut 24:1/ Deut 21:10,11,14
Divorce restricted
Matt 5:32
49. Adultery forbidden
Ex 20:14/ Heb 13:4
Adultery allowed
Num 31:18/ Hos 1:2; 2:1-3
50. Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced
Deut 27:22/ Lev 20:17
Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union
Gen 20:11,12/ Gen 17:16
I sorry, I do not speak in fragmented sentences. You should be fined 43 Deutsche Marks making me waste so much time scrolling past your horrible post.
Great post, electricevil – thanks.
P.S. GrammerNazi, I’m sure you meant to write “I IS sorry…”, right?
Awesome! And that GrammerNazi should get a life.
I only had to read your first “contradiction” and compare it to the actual biblical references to tell that you aren’t even reading the stuff you’re posting about. Either that, or you’re having difficulty understanding the bible altogether. Non-Christians do tend to have a tough time following the flow of scripture, which is understandable. The thing is you’re just picking individual lines that, in and of themselves, seem to contradict one another in effect saying “See, that’s your ‘god’ for ya!”
Me, I REALLY study the Bible and I make my own conclusions on things. I don’t just take at face value something some random preacher, whom I barely know, says “is from God”. I read, I research and I figure out what the truth really is. And the truth of the matter, in this case, is that your list is rather weak. You’ll prove some sort of point with your atheist friends, but for those intelligent Christians who actually read their bibles, you’ll find few who take your list seriously.
Now, there are a few real contradictions in doctrine that you will find in the bible. However, they’re contradictions that a low-level thinker like yourself wouldn’t be capable of understanding. For instance, the differences in faith versus works between James’ epistle and Paul’s epistles with relation to the concept of Grace. Some Christians have tried to rationalize James’ view as being the same as Paul’s, just in a different context. But they’re wrong. I think they lie to themselves because they’re afraid of what the truth might entail. James had different views on the idea of Grace than Paul did. But both views appear in the New Testament. This is a legitimate contradiction, either on purpose to give more depth to the topic or on accident. And since there’s only one epistle by James, we have no clue if James ever changed his mind on the subject or if he had any clarifying remarks. But to understand James’ viewpoint in the epistle, you have to remember his upbringing and his skepticism of Jesus while Jesus was still alive, which you probably wouldn’t be able to understand since you don’t really study the bible.
Your list is pretty extensive. So I have to at least give you a “nice try, better luck next time”.
“Me, I REALLY study the Bible and I make my own conclusions on things.”
In other words you make your own interpretation of what you want the bible to say. This is the problem with much of the bible, it is too vague and has very little context to 21st century life. A timeless holy book that is truly inspired by a deity, should be, well timeless. It should be a book that is very specific and doesn’t require a college degree to make sense of it. There should be no ambiguities within it.
But I’m sorry, if one views the bible critically which few insiders are capable of, one does find contradictions, lots of them.
Example: The crucifixion of Christ is narrated in two Gospels, Mark and John. I’ll ask you to do some research. Tell me what day and what time of day Jesus died? The writers are very specific, but your answer will depend on which Gospel you read.
Your post does not even make proper sense.
I totally get what you mean, God knew mankind would not change, so his “laws” were changed after Jesus came which now seem more like guidelines. It first confused me but once you read his true purpose its easier to understand the stories.
No contradictions! I’ve studied the bible for 10 years and what I listed here is just a few hundred of many more contradictions. You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts. Simply because you don’t wish to believe that the bible contradicts itself, doesn’t make it the truth.
I deleted all of those posts but one. The point is still made. For those interested, there were about four or five posts all of that length or longer. Frankly, it was a little obnoxious, but like I said, I think the point still stands with the single list left.
Well said. Well said indeed.
I look at it from a historical point of view, the bible’s books were selected carefully which doesn’t give the whole story. Like someone one shoving it in your face telling you this is it! Nothing else is relevant. Especially Christians nowadays using the cross symbol which was clearly adapted by a pagan king when he converted to Christianity thus his people converted also.
The Bible is incredibly contradictory:
“Turn the other cheek” =Forgive and forget
“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” = Go after revenge
In the end it’s all BS.
thats new god vs old vengeful god for you
So, God had an epiphany after a few thousand years… guess He finally grew up or graduated college and got a real job…
An eye for an eye was plea for restraint! As in Don’t lop off a mans head if he cost some one an eye.
Yeah… I hate to tell you this but I don’t think they were talking about smell…
Hey Manda… learn to follow the rules set forth by your God.
1 Timothy 2:11-12
11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.
Did a man post this? (I mean the whole article) then iz be quiet. ^_^
Please find me a christian theologian who agrees with you that the bible does not contradict itself. I mean, how can you even claim it doesn’t? Unless you’re doing some kind of mental gymnastics and you’re bending over backwards to desperately try and fix the contradictions, you’re just plain wrong. I have read the bible, and it is filled with contradictions. There are just a rediculous amount. Not the mention the fact that the bible contradicts reality as we know it, and scientific facts. You can’t write off the contradictions as “symbollism” either, because that’s just not fair. You have no objectively good criteria for deciding what’s symbollism and what isn’t, therefor you can just arbitrarily call anything symbollism.
And JPro83, calling people “low level thinkers” and claiming their wrong because their just not smart enough to understand is extremely childish, and even if it was true, you by no means had a long enough conversation with this person to know whether or not he was truly intelligent. Here’s a quote from you “Me, I REALLY study the Bible and I make my own conclusions on things. I don’t just take at face value something some random preacher, whom I barely know, says “is from God”.” All of that implies that you think the person you’re talking to doesn’t do those things, which you have no way of knowing. An undeserved sense of superiority just jumps out of your posts, it’s unsettling. Aspecially considering the guy who made the list is now saying he spent 10 years studying the bible.
I’m sure some of these must seem normal when in context but I’m also pretty sure than some of these are just written by men who want an excuse to have ***** with virgins and fight without their wives dragging them off by their genitals.
“but honey, the bible told me to…..”
Ahaha !
dang funny
There’s more especially a couple going into description about womens breasts and one where a woman wants to sleep with her own brother…. I will find them and share!
Mein Führer does not approve of the grabbing of the genitals.
Sorry. Driving me crazy, but if you are going to be a GRAMMAR Nazi please spell your profile name properly. ^^
Within context, each of these verses make sense. They’re narrative: events that happened at a specific place, to a specific people, for a specific reason. Taking them as an exmaple would be like now reading the German WW1 infantry manual. You can learn alot from what happened, the characters, and how we got to where we are today.
in what context does bears mauling kids make sense?
Becasue they mad fun of a man of god. So god sent bears to maul a bunch of kids. It makes perfect sense.
It does make sense but that doesn’t make it any less bizarre. This list is called Bizarre Biblical Quotes, not Quotes taken out of context that don’t make any sense.
they called him bald and get mauled for that? god sure seems psychotic
Also from the same story as number 11, the said daughters, being the only survivors after their city was destroyed, made the father (who almost sold them out to the angry men) drunk and took turns in sleeping with him and both became pregnant.
……Yeah.
In the context of this list, what is so weird about the 3 year old animals quote or the Mark quote?
It’s specificity. Why would God demand 3 year old livestock to be slaughtered, then burned or sacrificed for His pleasure? I recall a passage actually stating that the smell of burnt offerings pleases the Lord…
Have you ever smelled a burnt animal? Not cooked meat, but a full carcass burning? Not pleasant at all.
In a nomadic society, where every animal’s life is precious and useful as food, clothing, or producing the next generation, this is an act of frivolousness…
Well in sedentary cultures(spelling? But sedentary cultures are the ones that actually evolved so technically the ones that count) giving an offering to the gods was quite normal. Trying to influence the gods to get more sunlight or rain was quite a vital thing.
The offerings to go in Mongolia by the nomads is milk they throw some on the the soil every morning.
God*
“An eye for an eye was plea for restraint! As in Don’t lop off a mans head if he cost some one an eye.”
Well that makes it all better now doesn’t it. You’re right, this text really shows a high level of enlightenment.
And you can sense my sarcasm I hope.
The bible was written by ancient desert tribal societies not God. In my view it has no place in 21st century religion.
The good book. Yeah right.
genitals as large as donkeys. thats a hint of beastiality.. ppl r weird in olden times
…not really
Not any weirder than they are now.
But much better hung, apparently…
where’s the thumbs up when you need it?
I was waiting for something along the lines of
Mark 2:31:5
And when thou shall learneth the holy bible and becometh a priest thou shalt have access to youthful males to use as you please.
you do realize the number you put makes NO sense whatsoever right? only need two numbers to note a bible verse.
be smarter when insulting people’s faiths next time.
lol…why be so specific about the numbers? he obviously did his job (upsetting people like you)…you should maybe relax on the coffee
So wasting one’s seed in front of another’s wife is a sight displeasing to the LORD. Hmm… .
I think it’s simply wasting one’s seed which is displeasing, and in that case I should have been struck by God a thousand times
Actually no, it’s a common misconception (lol) that the passage about Onan was about self-pleasure. What God actually condemns, in context, is the issue of sleeping with his brother’s wife and cheating her of his seed against God’s wishes. Ahh, I forget and I can’t search at the moment, but it really isn’t “Proof” that self-pleasure is a sin.
hahahaha….me too !
I guess these quotes were strange but they just seemed to lack enough context to be any kind of meaningful.
I bloody love it.
At an NFL game I saw one of those tools who have a John 3:16 shirt on, right behind him a guy had Ezekiel 23:20 (the second half of the above quote) so I had to look it up. If it hadn’t been on this list I would have been shocked.
“No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.”
Do you need to show our proof of membership at the entrance of the Assembly of God?
Yes… you must waggle your peter at St. Peter.
“If thy right arm offends thee, cut it off. But if thy testicles offend thee, hang onto them. ”
“Hang on with what? My arms offended me…”
“Both of them? Well, how’d you cut the second one off?”
man, i wish penn and teller were here…..
Ah my favourite Bible quote of all time, Ezekiel 23:19, it shows that truly there is nothing new under the Sun!
Also let the quote from Kings 2:23 be a warning that those of us who are balding will be revenged as the Lord is on our side! One more mocking statement about my thinning hair and I shall be issuing curses, so let those who mock be beware of bears!
Genitals as large as donkeys huh? Well either John Holmes lived in biblical times, or they also enjoyed the good ol donkey shows
One of the worst lists I have read on here…I could pick 15 quotes out of any random book on my desk and they would be bizarre out of context.
I am not normally critical of lists on here at all but this was seriously weak.
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t see how this proves or disproves anything. Context, people!
ummm it’s not a list of “proving or disproving the bible”….it’s a list of bizarre quotes from the bible…which is exactly what the list is…do you have a working brain?
What context woudl make the seminal emission of stallions normal?
A vetenarians notes….
This isn’t a vets notes, its the freakin bible. Did you read the list?
Seriously weak because it offends you? because it’s not entertaining?
Btw even with context these particular quotes are ridiculous in today’s light. Of course if you’re one of those who believe that the bible is the literal truth, this list is bound to make you uncomfortable. Rightly so, I might add.
LOL! So #9 was the origin of “Yeah, he was so full of sh*t!”
When you read quotes like this it really does make you wonder how anyone can believe in a God. It’s a book just like any other book but for some reason people believe this book as the word of God. Who knows though, maybe 1000 years down the line people will believe in a boy called Harry.
Re Leviticus 24:16, a more accurate translation from Hebrew than the KJV’s “utter” is “abuse,” changing the whole perceived message.
J Frater, thankyou.
Its amazing, I still haven’t gotten around to reading this book. Everybody recommends it to me as it’s got everything in it, *****, adultery, rape, war, random destruction etc. etc. Well ahead of its time is what I think.
@ electricevil: Lol, nice one but easy now, lets not over do it
Do all religions treat women like crap or what? stupid stupid stupid
No. Actually, very few do. Some enforce the idea of the subservient woman, sure, but there are a lot of religious people who abuse women, and a lot of non-religious people who do too. Seriously, ancient ideals do not mean that they are practised today. Except for Roman Catholicism. That *****s pretty much the same.
Thanks, I’m glad to hear that not all religions are as conservative as Roman Catholicism.
Roman Catholics dont treat women like *****.yes its a patriarchal religion, but women are considered equal to men, and are treated as such. the only thing women cant do in the Catholic Church is become priests, and thats a result of 2000 years of tradition.
No… just the Judeo-Christian-Muslim ones.
In Native American spirituality, women often do much better, taking a dominant role in clan affairs. The Cherokee, my people, were often directed by councils made largely of women.
Yes, I think it largely has to do much with having Native American spirituality historically having female deities which may also contribute to having a more peaceful message. Obviously not the case with Christianity.
.. actually the Bible was written by men… for men… to justify the actions of men. Seriously, people, stop basing your conceptions of faith on something so ridiculous as the words of Roman Catholic priests from centuries back.
It’s a storybook people. We don’t ***** whine and moan because the Star Wars novels aren’t entirely accurate or because Spock’s theories on child-rearing were proven to be inaccurate. By the way, both Star Wars and Spock have/had fans who follow them religiously. Doesn’t make them real, doesn’t mean that other beings may not exist in space or that children should be slaughtered since no-one knows how to raise them properly. Deal with it, stop using the Bible as an excuse to make personal attacks on religious people, and for goodness sake stop confusing Catholicism (branch) for Christianity (whole).
Yeah, except Star Wars and Spock’s theories weren’t used to justify wars, killing people and nowadays, establishing laws and rules in society… Not yet anyway
People use a huge variety of reasons to justify wars and genocide. If someone went on a rampage because of ice-cream, we wouldnt condemn it.
if the millions and millions of people who died in religious wars were killed because of ice-cream wars then yes I think it would be condemned
I once stabbed a guy for trying to steal my Klondike bar.
If the ice cream wrapper told you to murder people to don’t eat the same ice cream, that would be a proper *****ogy. It’s not that people get hurt by people who corrupt a religion, it’s that certain holy books tell you to specifically hurt and or kill specific groups of people. They teach you to hate certain groups of people, and to dehumanize them.
even if you disagree with the Bible, you have to admit that #12 is a solid idea.
Some of these are my favorites, especially number one. Just more craziness from the ultimate book of fairy tales. Nice selection as well. There are of course, many more but this was a nice start.
Good list.
As my dad would say: “What a load of kak”. The Bible is so *****ist…
I am an avid athiest so me saying this was out of context was not an excuse by a stupid Christian.
I don’t think he was saying that atheists couldn’t be absolute idiots too.
It matters not whether the specific verses themselves were taken out of context. The precepts and material constituents that those 15 verses are compromised of render context completely irrelevant.
Context is of infinitesimal importance when discussing filial cannablism and rape. Unless, that is, those verses are immediately followed by “just playing”.
I know a lot girls #1 could be talking about.
Yay! Now let’s see some bizarre quotes from the Koran!
Why you posing as JFrater?
@ Monstette – I thought the post was a troll – I know the real J Frater has issues, but I’m sure he wouldn’t put it like that – using words he knows are banned on his own web site. Looks dodgy…
What is the Assembly of God? Whatever it is, it takes balls to join it
.
Yeah, and ironically, if we are all indeed part(s) of God, than God is the Assemby of all of us combined – therefore we are all members. Go figure.
I think the passage in the Bible refers to a high ranking order of angels and deities God surrounds himself with – like the Ever After Club.
Lists like this are way Christians are seen as crazy. These verses are a very tiny part of the bible. It’s ridiculous the way this website loves to make fun of Christians but not show the other side. A lot of these verses were taken out of context, making them sound weird and crazy. Honestly, do some research for once. The bible is full of a lot of wonderful things. Stop being so thick headed.
The Bible IS violent. I`ve read it. And Biblical Quotes were used by the Crusaders and Popes to justify murder. And recently Catholic Priests who worked for the Vatican during WW II, when the Catholic Church became Hitler`s *****, used Biblical Quotes to commit murder. And the Biblical Quotes they used were ones which involved chopping peoples HEADS off.
1 Timothy 2:11-12
11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.
Most christians aren’t “crazy”, but I think they definitely make no sense when they praise the Bible to the point of ignoring the half of it that they don’t like and believing the other half that they “approve” of. Would you praise a God who fully condones your father offering to give your virginity to random violent men on the street just because he’s having (male) guests over? Come on now. The story of Sodom & Gomorrah isn’t even just one of those “little and insignificant” Bible stories.
We, as humans, look at the bible in our own way of thinking–views confined to our “rationality”. we tend to look at things in a superficial way. some of us forget the fact that the Bible is not extracted from a mere mortal’s limited ideas, but from a Being whose Supreme Intelligence has caused everything to exist, out of His undying love for the human race.
for me, Ezekiel 23:19 is a metaphor for the Israelites being “horny” for idolatry and the gods of other cultures. personally, i believe it doesn’t imply *****ual lust.
As st. Anselm once pronounced, “I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand. For this I believe–that unless I believe, I should not understand.” take a leap of faith…maybe by then we, too, may understand..God day and may God bless us always
Thank you! Great list! Just goes to show how flawed and immoral this “Holy” book is.
Call me sick, but am I the only person who thinks it`d be great that if little brats are calling you names, you could sommon two She-Bears to savage them to death? Still, what kind of people would want to believe in a God, who has children savaged to death by She-Bears for calling a man Baldhead? some of the things here, you`d think you were talking about Nero or Genghis Khan. Why people continue to believe in this nonsense is beyond me. The Middle Ages, yes. The 21st century? No.
which version of the bible are these quoted from?
King James I think.
I thought it might be the King James version, but something about these quotes don’t fit into what I remember. I remember some of the quotes, but they are phrased differently than what I remember. Does someone positively know what bible version these quotes are from?
Frater must be sipping on grandpa’s cough medicine again…
Your site is becoming a joke by the way. It’s in a severe state of decline. This list was posted purely for the controversy of it (and of course to bash God, Jesus, the Bible and anyone who believes in them). A desperate list for a desperate site.
Thank God I’ve never purchased any of your books or supported you financially in any way!
no… but silly Christian, you just visiting the site and commenting feeds ad $$$ to Listverse…
Mein Führer requests that you post a better list than this. If you do not you shall be penetrated by genitals the size of donkeys.
Wow, somebody sure sounds defensive.
Jamie is very Religious. Conservative Religious. He has faith. Faith strong enough to withstand opposing points of view. How about yourself? Me thinks you’ll find yourself wanting.
Sorry, but you “thinks” wrong.
Wrongly
You just did. Jamie sells advertising space. The more people who stay long enough to read the advertisements -the more people who comment, in other words- the more he can get for the space.
If there is a god, he’d probably think your a tool and should lighten up
More of this talk and we’ll summon God’s bears on you.
Christians been sipping at the lords blood again.
Your comments are slipping into decline and only posted because you feel threatened by someone pointing out your book shouldn’t be interpreted as a word for word guideline of how to live your life.
If you think the list was posted for no reason but to cause controversy, then why did you read it? Silly Christian, thank god we won’t be hearing from you on this site again
Religion is not exempt from criticism. And you shouldn’t stomp your feet like a damn child when somebody says something about it you don’t like. How old are you, really? What makes you think it’s ok to act like a child as soon as somebody says something about your religion? The worst part is that this list never even said anything bad about christianity, it’s just bizzare bible quotes. Please explain to me how that’s bashing good, jesus, the bible, and anyone who believes in them you exeggerating little child? Basically what you’re saying is, “If you don’t believe the same thing I do, you hate god, jesus, the bible, me, and anybody else who believes in them”. F*ck you, you damn child.
YES! Your #1 is my second most-often used quote that I use to “stick it to the devout”.
The other is Lot’s drunken insestous relations with not one, but BOTH of his virgin daughters that resulted in 2 pregnancies. God turned Lot’s wife into salt for an act of disobedience, but allows his daughters to get daddy drunk & rape him?
if anything, doesnt the contradiction in the bible teach you that there is a time and a place fore everything?
Or maybe it teaches you when something is symbollism? Or when we need to accept we don’t understand the mind of god. Or maybe it’s that their not contradctions in the greater scheme of things, or maybe it’s some other incredible convenient scenario in which we can write off obvious contradictions as something else that’s rediculous in order to not doubt our religion.
Bronze age, agricultural-based injunctions really make you think…
The reason the bible seems to contradict is that it does at some point. But, and here comes the but, you must look at each situation and period of time, also it does help to read the entire chapter or the complete context in which it was used. During certain periods things were done to preserve the Israelite bloodline and at other times things were allowed to happen to the Jewish people to chastise or punish them, much the same way you would punish a child of your own or let it go astray to learn a valuable lesson.
The quote from Ezekiel 23:19 is actually two verses combined, Ezekiel 23:19 and Ezekiel 23:20 that actually read as ” Yet she multiplied her *****doms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.” -Ezekiel 23:19 and “For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh [is as] the flesh of asses, and whose issue [is like] the issue of horses. ” If curious, read the whole chapter, it can not be taken literally. It is a comparison for a people that turned away from God and lust after the old ways of Egyptian slavery compared to a harlot.
Also some of you point out about the vengeance of God seems to change from time to time. In fact it does, but you have to be able to rightly divide the scriptures into who it applied to and the time it was being applied.
The problem is that many (read fundamentalist) Christians believe The Bible to be the infallible word of God. Not a bunch of parables written to teach according to the mores of the time, but straight from the mouth of God – the literal truth.
Fundamentalism is a scourge; Christian, Muslim. Take your pick.
mom424, you’re making uncommonly good sense today. +1
Call it whatever you like, rationalize it in any way you see fit, twist the proof however it best suits you, take it in or out of context: Most of these items mention instances that are unacceptable in any way of life, from any time, for any person. These people, if these stories have any truth whatsoever, are surely insane. You hand over your daughters to ass-rapers looking for angels. You cut off your wifes hands. You praise god for killing your children (job). As for me and my house, we are happy to be disassociated from such an organization.
Because of people like you there is hope in this world yet.
Why would anyone want to believe in the bible when they have listverse to provide guidance?
I hope you done of the Quran
Well this turned out to be a better list than I expected, and there is certainly a lot in The Bible which appears horrific to our modern senses. Some of the actual meaning will have been lost in translation over the centuries, some things were perfectly acceptable in those times, and the rest of it appears to be a collection of older folk tales designed to inspire morality and introspection. As such, I see the Bible as a cautionary tale rather than a literal history or chart of actual events. As someone above said, the Bible is a man-made creation. It was not commanded from on high or dicatated by any means. It may have been written to cover mans mistakes, or to help overcome them, but these stories are just that, stories.
Having said all that, I still like to think that my own idea of God – as an omnipresent and omnipotent essence of pure energy – is totally unaffected by all this, and as I said on the recent philosophy list, I think Man creates the rules but not the Laws of the universe. I thank you.
The old testament was really hard days. Before Christ, the books of moses, and the beginning. If people didn’t follow these almost perfectly, you were doomed. In those days God was looking for whatever righteous men they had left because they’re were none. It was very important that God had some follow his every perfect example. After God sent his son down to redeem our sins all of them forever, the new testament follows, which explains how to live the one true way in this world of evil.
You could put any single verse in the Bible on this list, provided you include no context.
Most of these, even in context, are horrible when judged by today’s standards. We, of course, understand that the bible is a tool, not the literal truth. The problem (generally but not entirely) rests with those who believe The Bible to be the literal truth. Or the Koran. Your choice. This list is for those folks.
I’m so happy that nowadays people do not believe in random things or illusions. They do not die for example in the name of an invisible and kind of random and massive entity, they do not kill in the name of that entity or are offended of the symbols of that entity are being dragged in the gutter.
I get a b0ner thinking that maybe, just maybe in 3000 years from now, people will laugh at how much we made idols of our nations and countries. I really hope they’ll consider us idiots. C’mon humanity. We’ve got tons of evolving to do. Patriotism is nowadays religion and we need more atheists.
Agreed.
I also agree.
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
@Arsnl: maybe in 3000 years from now, people will laugh at how much we made idols of our nations…C’mon humanity. We’ve got tons of evolving to do. Patriotism is nowadays religion and we need more atheists.
It’s a nice idea, but establishing, marking, and defending territory is a trait not unique to humans, and has likely been practiced in the animal kingdom for millions of years. Yes we humans are beyond the instinct-driven motives of mere “animals”, but still, I doubt we will ever evolve past our innate desire to form clans. Safety in numbers, no?
If there ever was a desire to form clans or live within a clan, I must be the furthest from that desire right now. Online clans are the best kind – cus you can switch em off!
JAMIE’S BEEN POSSESSED BY A DEMON. And it’s a really stupid demon.
This is awesome. Quotes like the one about the bald man and the bear make me want go to church. I wish they gave sermons with these quotes instead of the same few boring ones.
Say what people may about the Bible, but no other book ever written in the history of mankind has so much profound wisdom as Bible does. Three most important lessons that Bible teaches you are:
1. Do not call a bald head bald head.
2. Do never attempt to catch hold of a man by his privates.
3. Love thy neighbor.
lol thanks for posting these. People throw around bible quotes, but it’s nice to see a few so bizarre or dated…