Top 10 Worst Dolls Ever
Published on March 16, 2008 - 99 Comments
Do you have a child with a birthday coming up? Then let me strongly recommend that you not buy them one of the dolls on this list. From superstars of music to politicians, this is a list of the worst dolls ever - and I really do mean ever. Ranked in order of least vile to most (as best as I could), here they are:
Why any person would want to own a Michael Jackson doll is beyond me. Surely even his most die-hard fans would draw the line here. It is also extremely out of date - both the skin color and nose are nothing at all like the “real” Michael.
More disturbing than the fact that this doll was even made in the first place is the “try me” button on his stomach. Thanks Elton, but no thanks!
This one is wrong on so many levels. Putting aside his hard times with the law, this doll is a hideous caricature of a hideous looking man! Buy this doll for your children if you want them to have nightmares.
Fanclub info inside? I am pretty sure you could fit the entire fanclub inside.
I really don’t even know what to say about this doll. I am speechless.
This doll comes with a bobblehead to give you an authentic recreation of Cruise’s couch moment on Oprah.
The problem with this doll is that they forgot to include the pins to stick in to it.
“A friend of Barbie” - yeah.. a very “special” friend. This doll also talks. That’s right - not only do you get to look at Rosie O’Donnell, you get to hear her voice! Worst marketing idea in history? I think so.
This doll is made by the same people that made the Saddam Hussein doll before his death. I am not sure what kind of people might want one of these but I am pretty damned sure you won’t find many in the USA.
For the Neo-Nazi in your life!
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1. teacherman - March 16th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Where’s “Chucky”?
2. jevanzz - March 16th, 2008 at 5:31 am
I remember seeing the president dolls in the American Section of Epcot at Disney, and I seriously considered getting one, just for the fun of it
3. Tonny SS - March 16th, 2008 at 5:48 am
I… Uh… I want the Adolf Hitler… action figure.
Seriously.
Does the set include Winston Churchill and Eisenhower.
No seriously, where can I get them.
4. jfrater - March 16th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Tonny SS: apparently you can get them here - but I couldn’t find it: http://www.pzg.biz
5. Mikerodz - March 16th, 2008 at 5:56 am
I am studying witchcraft, can some body help me to find a Chenney doll?
6. Scott - March 16th, 2008 at 5:57 am
This list covers even more:
http://www.cracked.com/article.....gures.html
7. Dawn Bearer - March 16th, 2008 at 5:58 am
It would be wierder if a Stalin doll existed.
8. jfrater - March 16th, 2008 at 6:04 am
Dawn Bearer: I tried to find one and couldn’t
9. lola - March 16th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Any Barbie, or Bratz doll or other similar such, are vile in the extreme. Giving small girls adult toys is sick, forcing them to grow up too soon and conditioning body self-consciousness, and sexuality.
10. corinthian0430 - March 16th, 2008 at 6:25 am
http://www.top10kid.com/?p=21
John Travolta and Mr. T dolls anyone?
11. Mom424 - March 16th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Iola; c’mon that’s crap about the dolls. Influencing body self-consciousness. Depends on your up-bringing much more than the toys you play with. I had Barbie dolls; pushed in their boobs, cut their hair wonky, and then went out-side and built a tree-fort or built towns with the brother’s tonka trucks. Live with my mother for 10 minutes and you would overcome the Barbie-doll syndrome. Live with me for 10 seconds and you realize that Barbie Dolls and Porn Queens are not how real women look or act, ‘cuz I would tell you. Who wants to play with a doll that looks average? Its an imagination game. Teach your family the difference between fantasy and reality.
By the way since when did Rosie O’Donnell look exactly like Marie Osmond?
12. LordCalvert - March 16th, 2008 at 6:48 am
none of those dolls have anything on this monstrosity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8XhBsxL_ps
13. Ginger Lee - March 16th, 2008 at 7:10 am
The Bratz dolls need to be on the list. They’re just creepy.
14. jfrater - March 16th, 2008 at 7:11 am
LordCalvert: haha that is crazy!
15. JwJwBean - March 16th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Great now I am going to have nightmares!
We have a Michael Jackson doll. It is for sale for a good price. My mother in law bought and sold dolls. Mostly antique ones. We also have a complete set of The A Team dolls. Among others.
16. Purdnasty - March 16th, 2008 at 7:29 am
i think the george bush doll i have is even sweeter, it’s him wearing the aviation suit and saluting from when he was in a jet that landed on an aircraft carrier. did i mention that the salute is done with the left hand?
17. adorabelle - March 16th, 2008 at 7:31 am
ugh pee-wee herman. my friend had one of those things when i was little. and i was already petrified of pee-wee’s playhouse. the doll didn’t really help the situation.
as for hilter, its a good thing the original barbies are blond and blue-eyed :-p
18. Dustfinger - March 16th, 2008 at 7:48 am
I found the Hitler doll from the site Jfrater provided, and they’re sold out. It was 175$ anyway, so that kills buying it for the heck of having an Adolf Hitler doll.
19. FifthSonata - March 16th, 2008 at 8:32 am
What.the.deuce.?!
Yup. Pretty much the best comment I can offer on this one.
20. AnotherEngine - March 16th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Am I the only one thinking the Tom Cruise doll looks more like Bobby Kennedy?
21. Harsha - March 16th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I think the entire set of the A team dolls should be here! More creepier than Hitler!!
22. Jona - March 16th, 2008 at 9:04 am
haha! I had the pee-wee doll!! I loved that thing.. it had the string in the back that you’d pull and it’d say “I know you are but what am I?” hahaha oh man…
good list
23. Punjar - March 16th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Back in high school I had a history teacher who had a Moses action figure, which had “Gliding Action”, meaning little wheels on the bottom.
24. Csimmons - March 16th, 2008 at 9:20 am
lordcalvert:AHHH! My eyes are on fire!
25. Concerned Observer - March 16th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Lolz, Lord Calvert, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
26. Namowal - March 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I remember when the Michael Jackson doll hit the market. Eddie Murphy goofed on it on SNL. First he exposed the doll’s backside so the world: “so that’s what it looks like.”
Then he exposed the front, manikin like pelvis, remarking, “As you can see, these dolls are anatomically correct!”
27. jimmyschaps - March 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
THESE AREN’T DOLLS, THEY’RE ACTION FIGURES!!
28. scott - March 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
dolls
29. MadBess - March 16th, 2008 at 10:28 am
The MC Hammer doll is missing.
30. Tonny SS - March 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am
So, no Churchill and Eisenhower action figures? I want them posing with Hitler.
PS: Action Figures, Action Figures, Action Figures
31. Marco - March 16th, 2008 at 11:18 am
The Tom Cruise one is a bit out-of-sync with the rest of the list; I think it’s genuinely hilarious!
32. QDV - March 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am
How’s the Adam’s Apple on the Ann Coulter doll? Anatomically correct, I hope? For some strange reason, I picture GI Joe beating the crap out of most of these, using his kung fu grip, or moonwalking all over Michael Jackson. Anybody want to stage some Celebrity Death Match-type photos?
33. tokabul - March 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
hah the anne coulter doll says “americas real action heroes” on the box. When i think action hero, anne coulter is the first person who pops into my head.
34. BishopWhiteT - March 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Uh yeah…here you go:
http://www.cloudcuckooland.biz/dolls.htm
Check out the anatomically correct “Gay Bob”
35. Mandi - March 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Wow…um…I actually own the Michael Jackson doll that’s wearing the “Thriller” outfit. Yup…I’m a loser.
36. goof_ball - March 16th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Um… Wow…
37. Crimanon - March 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Does any one else get that creepy child sex case “Where did he touch you” vibe from the PeeWee Doll?
38. loseitbonkers - March 16th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
i hate ann coulter.
39. loseitbonkers - March 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
more like “america’s real action assholes”
40. Yikkity - March 16th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I still have my Michael Jackson doll. I love it!
41. Blogball - March 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Is it just me or did anybody else notice that Pee wee Herman’s right hand is ready for action. The same kind of action he was arrested for in that X rated movie theater.
42. SarahJ - March 16th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
There was as pretty bad Paris Hilton doll that was absolutely nothing LIKE her. I do have to ask why anyone would want any of these dolls though! Love the list
43. MImanic - March 16th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Didn’t Urkel have his own doll?
44. BishopWhiteT - March 16th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I bought my ex the pee-wee doll a few yeasrs back for Christmas. It actually had some pretty funny sound clips. The reason I bought it was that he made the “ahhrhrrrhrhr” sound that he made in that Cheech and Chong movie when he said, “I’m NOT sorry I took the money! Ahhrhrrrhrhr!!!”
45. Lizzie - March 17th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Blogball: Eeeww
46. astraya - March 17th, 2008 at 3:00 am
In a children’s gallery/museum in Seoul there is a Cartman doll (South Park).
47. Dana - March 17th, 2008 at 3:29 am
I’m surprised the Scientologists haven’t pulled the Tom Cruise doll…er, action figure…er, doll.
48. Randall - March 17th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Very good point that the Michael Jackson doll is no longer accurate in regards to skin tone, various facial parts, pop-chart standing, etc. Reissuing the doll in a stark, pale ecru tone might help… utilizing the new polymers that allow for add on/wipe off coloring with supplied “paint” crayons, in order to simulate the many-changing skin moods of Michael. He can then go from beige to sepia to coffee brown and back to a pasty base tone in just a few fun-filled minutes… with easy wipe-off cleaning. Also, supply interchangeable nose/eyes/mouth/ears/cheekbones ala Mister Potato Head.
49. Mikerodz - March 17th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Noticeably only few elaborated comments on this subject. only few have an idea on dolls?
50. jfrater - March 17th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Mikerodz: there was a glitch in the site last night that stopped people commenting - hence the low number
51. Randall - March 17th, 2008 at 7:46 am
The Elton John Doll: At least the “try me” arrow didn’t point someplace else.
Ann Coulter Doll: Barbie’s tight-assed next door neighbor. Attends cocktail party at Barbie’s Play Mansion, tells Ken to his face that he’s going to hell because he’s gay.
Tom Cruise Doll: The spring up the ass says it all. I’d put the Tom Cruise doll and the Elton Doll together… let the Vanilla Ice doll watch. And I’m sure the Rosie Doll would have something to say about it…
Rosie O’Donnell Doll: Speak of the devil (incarnate). So this doll talks, eh? It doesn’t say if there’s a way to get it to shut up, though….
George Bush Doll: Nope, no pins… too bad. Also, no way to tell which is stupider… the Bush that is nothing but a lump of plastic… or the freakin’ doll.
52. rodrigo - March 17th, 2008 at 7:54 am
LOL to no end!
The Tom Cruise had me laughing me for so long… im in class too, this is bad…
53. MzFly - March 17th, 2008 at 8:37 am
HaHa. These are hilarious! Although I have to admit, I once owned a NKOTB doll, which is almost as funny as the Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer dolls.
I wonder which of these is the biggest seller.
54. Joss - March 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I have the Rosie doll. She’s pretty chunky.
55. AT86 - March 17th, 2008 at 8:43 am
i think the MJ doll manufacturers should offer a free upgrade every time michael jackson changes his appearance. think that is only fair. it would probably lead to bankruptcy though!
56. Blogball - March 17th, 2008 at 8:44 am
The George Bush doll doesn’t even look like Bush. It looks like they had some left over Ronald Reagan dolls and just lighted up the hair a bit.
57. SlickWilly - March 17th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Blogball: That’s funny…I thought the same thing about the man the first time I saw him.
Randall: Ann Coulter is the devil incarnate. Rosie is just a hackneyed sub-demon, a Wormwood-type crony devil that hangs out in the shadows and cries itself to sleep knowing that it never accomplished anything it ever really felt it aspired to. As far as the Tom Cruise/Elton John thing goes, I think Elton John has a bit higher standards than that…at least one would hope he does.
58. Randall - March 17th, 2008 at 9:09 am
SlickWilly:
You are ascribing high standards to a man (Elton John) who, as a rule, appears in sequined suits with garish-colored silk shirts, and who built his career-image on a gimmick of wearing incredibly bizarre eyewear.
Please sir, think before you write. I think all Elton would need is a couple glasses of chardonnay under his belt and he’d be all over Cruise.
59. SlickWilly - March 17th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Randall: I think that’s more a statement about Tom Cruise than Elton John. Personally, Tom doesn’t seem stable enough for someone like Elton. If EJ would stoop to buggering with a man of TC’s mental conditions, it would probably be a one-night stand situation, a “how’s your uncle?”, wham-bam-thank-ya-Sam of a whirlwind physical romance, and EJ would send Tom on his way the next morning with a plate of eggs and a look of muted rejection.
60. Randall - March 17th, 2008 at 9:43 am
SlickWilly:
“…It would probably be a one-night stand situation, a “how’s your uncle?”, wham-bam-thank-ya-Sam of a whirlwind physical romance, and EJ would send Tom on his way the next morning with a plate of eggs and a look of muted rejection.”
You’ve been through this before, haven’t you, Slick?
61. SlickWilly - March 17th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Randal:
………*I* didn’t get any eggs.
And it was less muted rejection and more a mixture of pain, fear, confusion and perverse satisfaction. And a slight limp.
62. Randall - March 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
SlickWilly:
Good god, the pathos….
and I don’t wanna hear the details….
63. Rosa - March 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am
They should remake the Michael Jackson with a new feature: When sprayed with cold water, his skin becomes white and his nose shrinks, when sprayed with warm water, he looks like a human being once more!!!
64. Twisted Diogenes - March 17th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Did anyone mention the child killer, Freddy Kreuger doll? It had a short life on the toy store shelves before being yanked.
Does that warning lable on the Elton John doll say it’s a “choking hazzard”?
65. WWII Reanactior - March 17th, 2008 at 11:36 am
So where do you go to get the Hitler doll?
66. neveragain - March 17th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
coulter and hitler should be closer to each other
67. Ghidoran - March 17th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Hey! My story about the end of the world has Neo-nazis in it!
68. amanda - March 17th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
The Bratz dolls should be on this list! I hate going through Target and seeing clothes for little girls that look like something a prostitute would wear. Barbies are fine, but the Bratz are crossing a line. Also, I have a Hilary nutcracker. Would that count as a doll?
69. jfrater - March 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
amanda: the nutracker definitely counts! And I agree about the bratz! Dirty little sluts!
70. thefatbasturd - March 17th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I have the Hitler. Also a Red Barron and a Castro. Everyone knows you gotta have bad guys for the good guys to fight. As for Eisenhower and FDR, Hasbro did a General Eisenhower figure in their G. I. Joe Line (As well as Bradley and Patton) and at one time some company showed a prototype of an FDR with his wheelchair, I don’t know if it was ever produced. I’m pretty sure at least one of the Talking Presidents lines contained FDR I have TR from one and Clinton, Bush (pilot suit), Reagan, and Dick Cheney from the other.
71. WearShades - March 17th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Anne Coulter and Adolf Hitler could easily be 1a and 1b…
Here are some gems from Coulter:
“We just want the Jews to be perfected.”
“Yes, those scheming Jews have had their eyes on the ocean state for as long as I can remember.”
Talk about intolerance, no part of this woman’s mind operates in reality.
72. Du - March 17th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
xD thats sped man.. totally sped xD
you should include a link to something on amazon or some other place so we can buy them xD
73. mariposa - March 17th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I actually had the peewee herman doll when I was a little kid. It looked exactly like that and it was awesome.
74. jfrater - March 17th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
mariposa: what exactly did you do with it?
I simply can’t imagine how you could play with such a thing!
75. mariposa - March 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
it had a string on its back and when you pulled it, it would say silly peewee herman-ish things. apparently i’ve had a sick sense of humor my whole life because i thought it was hilarious at 2 years old.
76. thefatbasturd - March 17th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
And somewhere my dad has a WHOLE fraking case of New Kids on the Block figures he bought on clearance at Wal-Mart thinking they were the next Beatles. Bad call, Dad.
77. JwJwBean - March 17th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I have the Freddy Kreuger doll and the Edward Scissorhands doll. We actually have a lot of dolls. My mother in law bought, sold, and collected dolls. She passed a few years ago. We don’t have all of her dolls, but we have a few.
78. JwJwBean - March 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I forgot to mention in her doll shop she had Drag Queen Barbies. One of the men who collected dolls in her doll club made them. They were totally funny.
79. Karpy - March 18th, 2008 at 12:30 am
::shudder:: there’s an ann coulter doll? does it blatantly put down religions other than christianity? That’s what I’d expect from a doll like that.
80. thefatbasturd - March 18th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Probably it does, Karpy. It is a talking doll from one of the Talking President makers and uses actual sound clips from her. They also make a Dennis Miller.
81. liz156 - March 18th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
OMG I had that PeeWee Herman doll. I loved it!
82. skeev - March 19th, 2008 at 8:27 am
I’ve seen a few versions of the Hitler doll for sale before in different uniforms. I believe they also made a Himmler.
83. Rocky - March 19th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Tell me where to find an Elton John doll! I want one. now.
84. Caleb - March 20th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I own the peewee herman doll. we got it at a yardsale when i was little. It use to scare me to death.
85. Drogo - March 21st, 2008 at 3:37 am
I’m curious. What happens if you try Elton’s button, and do I want to know what happens?
86. Simons - March 21st, 2008 at 7:06 am
Lol wtf
87. ksctyval - March 26th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Good grief…there’s an Ann Coulter doll? Does it come with a manual suggesting things to say to offend others? Why on earth would someone even propose making a doll in her likeness?
88. Spir - May 1st, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I’m sure there are some messed up dolls out there that aren’t based on real people.
89. Diogenes - May 1st, 2008 at 8:57 pm
seeing that the pee-wee and the vanilla ice are right next to one another, i can easily see them cut in two vertically and the halfs, of each, stiched to their partner’s seperate sides..and this would create for silly fools interested pocket books a frazzeled sortafair in such things. Send your monies , care of Diogenes, when you deside to do this deed.
90. POlly Odyssey - May 7th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Where’s the Crazy Cat Lady Doll?
91. Kelly - May 14th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Elton John doll should not be on this list (EJ fan here obviously) but EJ would not give Cruise the time of day. He has no tolerance for people with such arrogance. As far as his suits and stuff, WHY DON’T YOU BASH KISS?? They dressed up w/bizarre outfits and EVEN wore makeup, but you don’t put their dolls on here or make fun of them. Everyone had a style back then to distinguish them from others and thank goodness EJ just didn’t come on stage with ripped up jeans and a tshirt. No excitement there.
As for Cruise, he needs a reality check…he is NOT God. I don’t hate him but he thinks he is all that and he is NOT.
92. Polly Odyssey - May 20th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I found a doll of Sigmund Freud once. It should be on this list.
93. Meagan - May 22nd, 2008 at 8:01 am
Two words….Justin…Timberlake.
94. JazJ - May 23rd, 2008 at 3:05 am
I would buy the Ann Coulter doll just so I could twist it’s head off and spit on it. As for the Hillary doll, well when are we going to get the Obama doll saying change, or the McCain doll saying, I’m Bush’s Biatch.
95. Taija - May 25th, 2008 at 11:06 am
The Elton John doll seems kinda out of place.
Otherwise it’s a really funny list.
96. Jael - July 6th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
My mum gave my dad the George Bush action figure for his birthday a few years ago. Quite funny that it’s on this list. Maybe I should show it to them.
By the way, my dad didn’t like the action figure. I think he hid it in his closet.