20 Great Mark Twain Quotes
Published on July 7, 2008 - 70 Comments
“I am not AN American,” Sam Clemens once quipped. “I am THE American.” Humorist, satirist and scathing social commentator, Mark Twain occupies a special place in the pantheon of American (and world) writers. Few have come close to matching his precision in lampooning the ills of society, but none have surpassed him. Here is a collection of twenty of his greatest quotations, though there are certainly hundreds to choose from. Enjoy!
1. Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
2. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
3. The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.
4. Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.
5. There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him–early.
6. There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he less savage than the other savages.
7. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
8. The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass.
9. The report of my illness grew out of his (James Clemens) illness. The report of my death was an exaggeration.
10. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
11. Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.
12. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
13. Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all His work must be contemplated with respect.
14. I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.
15. I would rather have my ignorance than another man’s knowledge, because I have so much more of it.
16. In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.
17. Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
18. Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
19. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
20. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
Contributor: Anon
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1. donkeypuncher09 - July 7th, 2008 at 3:08 am
these are great
2. jfrater - July 7th, 2008 at 3:11 am
11 is clearly close to my heart
3. Tempyra - July 7th, 2008 at 3:18 am
“Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.”
Well, you are still alive jfrater, so I think we can guess which of these categories of wise you fall into
Nice list Anon
Has anyone read Mark Twain’s Letters from the Earth?
http://www.sacred-texts.com/aor/twain/letearth.htm
4. jfrater - July 7th, 2008 at 3:43 am
Tempyra: regardless of the category, at least I am “demonstrably wise”
BTW, Anon is unknown because he didn’t give me a name or username or email address - it was a total random submission.
5. Tempyra - July 7th, 2008 at 4:06 am
If you say so
6. astraya - July 7th, 2008 at 4:46 am
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.”
Mark Twain never taught English in a Korean high school.
7. Tomo - July 7th, 2008 at 4:53 am
I heard that the famous quote, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog that matters” is also attributed to Twain. Am I correct?
8. Anon - July 7th, 2008 at 5:22 am
If you liked the list, I highly recommend Ken Burns’ brilliant documentary on Twain.
9. Ruairi - July 7th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Good quote Tomo
10. stevenh - July 7th, 2008 at 5:30 am
not only did anon contribute this list, s/he also wrote two of the Top 10 Greatest Epic Poems
11. warningdontreadthis - July 7th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Hes like a rock star
12. Callie - July 7th, 2008 at 6:20 am
we need an oscar wilde quote list.
13. Kreachure - July 7th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Nice quotes. #19 sounds pretty nice to me…
I think it would be better if you put that the contributor is Anonymous rather than Anon (which still means anonymous but not everybody relates it to that), unless you want that Anon guy to become increasingly popular around here
14. kittym - July 7th, 2008 at 6:36 am
“Don’t think the world owes you anything, it owes you nothing. It was here first.”
I love Mark Twain!
15. green - July 7th, 2008 at 6:53 am
funny funny
13 is my favorite
16. JB - July 7th, 2008 at 7:16 am
What an interesting man is Samuel Clemmens. Number 3 made me laugh out loud. Who can’t help but appreciate how condecendingly funny these are.
17. SocialButterfly - July 7th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Excellent Excellent list, surprising to me that this list was anonymous… there was nothing on here that would sugget the need for anonymity. Unlike perhaps, some of the religious lists or even a song list!
18. TexasLass - July 7th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Factoid: If my relative Agnes Johnson hadn’t married Adam Clemens ( Sam’s GG Grandparents ) then Samuel Clemens would not have been around to share his amazing life with us! Mark Twain wasn’t his only suedo. Can you imagine a world of Sam Clemens? * sigh * If only….
19. Raz - July 7th, 2008 at 8:45 am
There are about 2 or 3 decent quotes here, im afraid this is not a list of great quotes…
20. Cheeshygirl - July 7th, 2008 at 8:57 am
SocialButterfly: Maybe this person just didn’t feel the need for any recognition. A truly selfless act, I’d say.
Great list. I’ve always loved Mark Twain’s work and I’ve found his life to be more than interesting. He was definitely a character.
21. Blogball - July 7th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Epic Poems was a little over my head but Twain quotes is more my speed. You can’t go wrong with a Mark Twain quote. I like # 19. Maybe this is why some people go into the Clergy.
Because Mark Twain said so many cleaver things a lot of stuff that is attributed to him he never said. I think he is probably one of the most misquoted people ever.
Here are a few off the top of my head that are often mistakenly attributed to Twain
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it
22. Kelsi - July 7th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Callie: There already is one. =) Check the archives. I LOVE Oscar Wilde, I was very glad when that one was published.
And I am also very glad to see another quotes list. I love lists of this sort. J, please try and throw together some more!
23. Phender_Bender - July 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
My dad used to always quote Mark Twain by saying (not sure if it’s correct word for word, but) “It’s better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are an idiot, than open it and remove all doubt.”
I didn’t know who Mark Twain was until I was 14 and moved to America though. I love some of his books.
24. QDV - July 7th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Sorry, don’t mean to lob a grenade, but this is one of my favourites (and “Letters from the Earth” should be required reading in schools today):
All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the ‘elect’ have seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it. I brought away a copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so ’slow,’ so sleepy; such an insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle — keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate. If he, according to tradition, merely translated it from certain ancient and mysteriously-engraved plates of copper, which he declares he found under a stone, in an out-of-the-way locality, the work of translating was equally a miracle, for the same reason.
25. goof_ball - July 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am
his hair is funny. =D
26. Vera Lynn - July 7th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I thought this was great. He nailed several truths right on the head. Direct hit. Quite the commenter on society.
27. Foxy - July 7th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Love 7 and 16 especially…
28. Greg - July 7th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I was married in Virginia City, NV, two years ago. Our reception was down the road in the Gold Hill Hotel (located in Gold Hill, NV, a short distance from Virginia City, and the oldest continuously operating hotel in the state) (located in Gold Hill, NV), an establishment that was frequented by Mark Twain when he worked as a newspaperman in Virginia City.
I hired a Mark Twain impersonator (that word fails to do him justice, but a replacement word doesn’t come to mind) who was absolutely brilliant He gave a talk to our party regarding the virtues of marriage, and it was the highlight of the reception.
In other words, I’m a huge Mark Twain fan, fantastic list.
29. filipinoknight - July 7th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Here’s good Twain quote ” Courage is resistant to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
30. MPW - July 7th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Great list and great quotes. There is a statue of Mark Twain by the public library in my hometown, and I don’t think he has ever been to my city but I could be wrong. He is a true great American.
31. toolnut - July 7th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
In Northern Nevada Mark Twain is highly respected. He spent a lot of time in the Reno/Carson City/Virginia City area. I’ve seen that impersonator before too, Greg, and he really sparked my interest for Mark Twain as well.
32. Mom424 - July 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Absolutely wonderful list. And How did I know that #11 would be Jamie’s favorite? Gee Whiz I must be prescient.
33. Crimanon - July 7th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Does any one feel the need to give the credit for this list to me? I mean, if it’ll make you feel better.
34. Lizzie - July 7th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I love Mark Twain. He was a fascinating man. Anon, I have seen that documentary, which is what led to my interest in the man. I now have a couple of biographies and several of his books. Great list.
35. jfrater - July 7th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Crimanon: after giving it some thought, no - I have decided to give credit to myself
36. delspecies - July 7th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I submitted #16 as my senior qoute in high school and had to prove it was an actual qoute before they would print it.
37. Spanner in the works - July 7th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Splendid list. Lots of new ones for me here.
May I share two of my own personal favourites that aren’t?
On Whistler’s painting:
‘A tortoiseshell cat having a fir in a platter of tomatoes.’
and
‘Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.’
38. Spanner in the works - July 7th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Oh. damn.
Sorry again: having a fit in a platter of tomatoes.
39. Vera Lynn - July 7th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
#36 delspecies Amen to that. School boards are a stupid waste. Everyone thinks that anybody who went to school can teach. That’s about as dumb as a person who has had brain surgery thinking he can perform brain surgery. It’s one of my pet peeves. Big Time.
40. Spanner in the works - July 7th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
There are a few more, but I’ve a nasty suspicion that would come close to cocky upstaging, and who needs that?
41. filipinoknight - July 7th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Another one I amazed is not on the list “I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together” Kind of cool how he knew he was going out that way a year before his death.
42. Vera Lynn - July 7th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
#41 filipinoknight Huh? Did I miss something? Mark Twain thought what? Is that true?
43. filipinoknight - July 7th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
twain was born in 1835 with halley’s comet and died 75 years later with the return of halley’s comet.
44. MPW - July 7th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
When I lived in Northern California, I visited a cabin that supposedly once belonged to Twain. I am unsure if that is true but there was a plaque that said he had lived there. My brother broke into the cabin and stuck his head out of the window and said “I’m Mark Twain”. We had no idea he went inside so when I saw a figure and heard his voice I naturally got scared. True story.
45. filipinoknight - July 7th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
should say died 75 years later in 1910……..
46. Vera Lynn - July 7th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
filipinoknight Wow. That’s weird. I wonder if Halley’s comet came back 40 years later instead he would have lived another 40 years.
47. DiscHuker - July 7th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
what about his most famous ones?
“golf is a good walk spoiled”
“the only certainties in life are death and taxes.”
48. Vera Lynn - July 7th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
#47 DiscHuker Man oh man. They both suck. Want to be a vampire and live forever.
49. Spanner in the works - July 7th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Well, if you insist and twist my arm:
‘Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.’
‘It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.’
(When you die) ‘Heaven for climate. Hell for society.’
‘Reader, suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.’
50. Crimanon - July 7th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Jamie: You’re no fun!
51. Choosilicious - July 8th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Is Mark Twain really his real name?
52. MPW - July 8th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Mark Twain’s real name is Sam Clemens as it says in the intro. His full name is Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
53. ericxdravenx26 - July 8th, 2008 at 6:57 am
i love mark twain, and he has some great quotes, but not a lot of great ones were on here
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Some people get an eduction without going to college; the rest get it after they get out.
The trouble isn’t that there are too many fools, but that the lightning isn’t distributed right.
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
Religion consists of a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.
54. big ski - July 8th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Mark Twain is Americas version of Charles Dickins
55. Spanner in the works - July 8th, 2008 at 10:25 am
A book on my shelves by Leonard Rossiter (see also mine in Funny Fat Comedians re Joseph Pujol) defines him as “A unique cross between George Bernard Shaw and Abraham Lincoln.”
56. castashadow - July 8th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Twain: Constantly misunderstood and powerful as ever.
57. Micro - July 8th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
cool quotes. twain is a pretty kick ass guy
58. Jennie - July 8th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Is it just me? or does Mark Twain remind you of Einstein? I mean with the wild hair and the mustache. How odd.
59. Scarborough Scamp - July 8th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Here’s one from Twain that I find particularly fitting…
“It’s easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it hundreds of times.”
60. Spanner in the works - July 9th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Jfr,
I recently came away from a certain ‘closed file’. I’d made a small, sad measured comment which I was unable to post, as your closure hadn’t logged in yet. However, just to give you my 100% support here. It may not be possible to eliminate bigotry by silencing it, but at least it shuts off an avenue where it’s trying to propagate itself.
61. Crimanon - July 9th, 2008 at 12:26 am
:::::crosses fingers::::::: … please don’t bring it here please don’t bring it here…..
62. Spanner in the works - July 9th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Amen
63. NAT - July 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”
Giggles.
64. keets - July 11th, 2008 at 2:22 am
absolute brilliance…..
65. Drogo - July 11th, 2008 at 4:01 am
If there is a heaven, right now George Carlin and Mark Twain are having an interesting chat with each other.
66. mackerel - July 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
(from Puddinhead Wilson):
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only 9 lives”
“Tell the truth or trump, but take the trick.”
(my favorite)
“The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of this world’s luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took: we know it because she repented.”
67. Hellbound Alleee - July 17th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Sam Clemens. Author of the country’s most banned book. That’s really saying something as to the power of one’s words. Who ever did anything of any consequence, who’s never upset anyone?
“If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be–a Christian.”
68. Denzell - July 27th, 2008 at 4:00 am
He’s got a bizarro sense of humor with a tinge of being inspirational
69. Shaun - July 28th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
How about this one.
You sir are very drunk, yes mrs, but you are very ugly, and I will be sober in the morning.
70. Lucy C. - August 16th, 2008 at 9:54 am
EW!