Top 20 George Carlin Quotes
Published on June 29, 2008 - 76 Comments
George Carlin was a well loved comedian who won four grammy awards for his comedy albums. Carlin is noted for his political insights, his black humor and his observations on language, psychology, religion and on many taboo subjects. He died just 8 days ago, and this is our (listverse’s) tribute to him. Requiescat in pace.
1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.
13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
17. The status quo sucks.
18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
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1. vesselman - June 29th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Gotta love George…thanks for the list!
2. MPW - June 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
greatest list ever. God bless Joe Pesci.
3. littlegraysheep - June 29th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Incredible comedian who will be missed!
4. SocialButterfly - June 29th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Amazing list Jamie… you could have easily done top 30 or even 40 so well done on narrowing them down.
5. MPW - June 29th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
HBO ran a marathon of his shows last night. I was thoroughly entertained all night.
6. NestorV - June 29th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I was wondering if there was going to be a list dedicated to one of the greatest comidian of all time.
The first Saturday Night Live that he hosted was on last night in dedication to him.
He will be missed.
7. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Aw jeez,
You can shut your eyes and blindly throw a dart and in all likelyhood great stuff will prevail.
such:
“The thing I like most about this country is that, in a pinch, when things really get tough, you can always go into a store and buy some mints”
8. desparateforafix - June 29th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
yeah, but he has been irrelevant for 20 years.
9. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
the naughty:
There’s something about the clitoris, but I cant put my finger on it.
10. stevenh - June 29th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Thank you, George
11. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
you know what wierd though, desparateforafix, is that his book Napalm and silly putty was published in 2001 and it has many cynical comedic attacks on lots of stuff that occurred within the year and following,it’ll take a shuffling of pages but I would say he is icconic as a 6’s-70’s persona, but his mental expanse prooved diferently
12. Phillies - June 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
“So, uh…how’s that science project comin along, son?”
“Fuck you, Dad!!”
lmao, great stuff. RIP indeed to a legend
13. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
p.s.–and this will be the end of my bits and pieces, but one great raunchy one that I like, is something along the lines as,
” I sure hope reincarnation exists, so that I can come back and f*ck teenagers again.”
14. Wally - June 29th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
****
desparateforafix
Have any comics in the last 20 years been more relevant than Carlin? If so, not by much. For me, personally George Carlin never lost it and never gave up being on the edge, regardless of his constant double standards. But he will be missed.
15. Eve - June 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”
Yes, I know the feeling.
Great list. xD
16. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
allrite- i will not go away so easily,
be it sunday evening when I seem to have the floor to myself. Ha Ha .
Goodmorning weekday workers, utilizing precious hours expounding your nogginds for the bettership of your minds.
What I think in a little bit, - is- that there should be national grieving, appropiate to the deseased extrordanaire–on a level that is only possible by mass ellective conjoining love. The Tee Vee “blip verts” dont cut it. Queen Victoria paved the way for national mourning, and I think that history is like chalk written and erased, so if we want the beautiful mind of Carlin to exist herein and hereout, a proper collective prayer must be acknowledged. I did not live in the time that he made his name and I cant say that his preformances I ever saw, but his words and thoughts expounding indefinately and without a dought I would include him in the ranks of the world human river thinkers. Someone who had a data bank of files for every possible connection with human behaviour—our faults and foilbles and fiascoes.Our unsaid remarks among lawlisteners and truths that are funny because we know they exist but live our lives as if they dont.
17. Lani - June 29th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Where did the India list go?
18. sam - June 29th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Great list! R.I.P. George
19. warrrreagl - June 29th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Great list, and I’m glad to see it here. Oddly enough, I can recite almost every syllable on all his Little David albums of the 70’s, and I don’t recognize any of the quotes in this list.
20. CK2005 - June 29th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
How come most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t wanna **** in the first place?!
I seriously started listening to the guy two days before he died. His stuff is really, really good, all the way up until he died. There aren’t enough people like him.
21. cass - June 29th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Some of these aren´t Carlin quotes!
22. Lou Lou - June 29th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
“Pro-Life is Anti-Woman”
Not really his funniest, but in my eyes. It is a quote that still rings true.
23. Alex - June 29th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“sh*t p*ss f*** c**t c***sucker motherf***** t*ts”
George Carlin. Rest in Peace
24. Sadkiddo - June 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
….but he loves you!!
25. rearden - June 29th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Great tribute, Jamie. I just finished reading “Napalm” a few days ago and I had to post this hilarious musing:
“Do you realize that somewhere in the world there exists a person who qualifies as the worst doctor? If you took the time, by process of elimination you could actually determine the worst doctor in the world. And the funny part is knowing that someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow.”
R.I.P. Georgie ol’ boy.
26. ericdraven26 - June 29th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
i love this guy
my favorite is his rant on the nra and wayne lapierre(sp?)
but anything by this guy is awesome
one thing that ive loved, and i noticed this on his “complaints and grievances” album is how he starts each track off with a different way to say “people who should be killed” in the funniest possible ways
“put on gurnies and castrated with fishing knives”
“whose mother’s prebirth plans should have included abortion” ect
27. ericdraven26 - June 29th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
oh and the quotes are from memory, sorry for innacuracies
28. Mongo - June 29th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’”
This one had me on the floor. xD
R.I.P. Mr. Carlin
29. Mom424 - June 29th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Nicely done Jamie. In more ways than one.
George Carlin spoke of hypocrisy and such foolishness in every day life. As relevant today as ever.
Wonderful tribute.
30. TimB35 - June 29th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
George Carlin=THE. GREATEST. EVER.
RIP George, You’ll be missed severely.
31. Phender_Bender - June 29th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Wally: What about Jerry Seinfeld?
Anyway, I used to hate George Carlin, but I don’t know why, a few years back (if you can remember when Pizza Hut or Dominoes was giving away movies with their pizza) I got Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. I saw George Carlin in it and though he was funny, ever since then I have been a huge fan. One thing that I will always regret is not seeing him live.
32. ken j - June 29th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I must be the odd man out, I didn’t laugh at any of these nor find them particularly revelatory.
Although “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” has some appeal to me. But, then again, I lean towards libertarianism.
No, I’m not humorless. Mitch Hedberg made me laugh until I cried. And he’s gone too…
33. MPW - June 29th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
…And he needs money!
34. Maxx_the_Slash - June 29th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I find George Carlin to be the best comedian ever, but this list was actually pretty bad. You should be quoting jokes of his, not random things he said in interviews, or non-funny lines he said on stage.
For my favorite quote, you’d have to watch the last joke he told in his second-to-last special, “Life is Worth Losing” (the joke about how he loves it when nature get’s excessively out of control). It’s too long to quote, but that was amazingly well thought up.
35. Clantargh - June 29th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I’ve always been a big fan of his. Even after multiple times hearing them I still laugh to Baseball Vs Football, Icebox Man, The 10 Commandments, Place For My Stuff, even the Buddy Christ bit from Dogma. RIP to the best comedian ever.
36. diogenes - June 29th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
ken j: it’s allreet, I dont think Carlin was really all that funny either.not in the deliberate sence that most comedians tend to pontificate apon. It kinda goes beyond it-in full. bits here and there added up, and he was meticulous (as far as i know)- I mean, this guy has been around on the stage for generations- and most that have had his duration in comparison are part of a different longevity all together. It isn’t so much as if you find what he said as funny, it is closser to truths of daily indescrepincies and how they apply to the extent of human repetivness.then again I’ve only begun to relalize how awesom the bo diddely beat and is , now that he’s gone. it’s a strange blue fog, illuminated by the moon.
jeez, why am I still here? this must be the most I have ever returned and blabbed in one night–before the main coarse tooo!
awe stitches!
37. Ravyn - June 29th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I was going to vote for George come election time. I nice little write-in.
38. WarningDontReadThis - June 29th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I’ve only seen some parts of his standup, and they were hilarious. He was very witty
How come he dies and Cliff Richards is still alive? (joke)
He lived his life like he wanted to though and for that it respect him.
rest in peace George
39. Anon And On - June 29th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
And remember - behind every silver lining, there’s a big dark cloud!
40. stormy617 - June 29th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
George will indeed be missed. I remember when cable first came out (shows how old I am) and I remember watching his stand up shows, he was freakin hilarious.
RIP George.
41. Vera Lynn - June 29th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
What happened to the list about India? Did I dream that too? Oh I am so confused.
42. Vera Lynn - June 29th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
He was the best. His delivery was awesome. Nobody did comedy like he did. No one.
43. ringtailroxy - June 29th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
my favorite Carlin Quote:
““Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”
fits me to a T!
RIP Carlin. You’d be laughing your ass off if you heard what old Fred Phelps thinks of you.
http://atheistmedia.blogspot.c.....-hell.html
Doncha just love religious nutjobs?
44. goof_ball - June 29th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
#2-thats gonna be my religion from now on haha
#9 and #14-i never realized it was george carlin yet its everywhere
overall, good funny list =D
45. Cdavis - June 29th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Please explain the removal of the India list. While a textbook case of plagiarism, the editor makes no points by causing the issue to disappear.
46. Cedestra - June 29th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
So, my birthday was in March. My mother asked me what I wanted and I said “I want the whole family to see George Carlin”. She seemed taken aback but liked him. Of course, everyone agrees, and is excited, except my brother Rusty. “Eh, I don’t think he’s that funny.” So we ate at restaurant. I am not speaking to my brother right now.
I was really shocked and saddened when I heard he died. I mean, everyone does but he’s one of the ones you hope lasts a really long time. RIP, George.
BTW, I think George may not be the most hilarious comedian, but whatever his statements lack in humor they make up for in interest, thought provocation, and insight- he was one of the best entertainers ever. The way this man could spout out lists of dozens of items always impressed me. He had impeccable timing and his facial expressions were dead on.
47. Tempyra - June 30th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Is anyone else having problems viewing Listverse? I am
The copyright blurb that’s normally at the bottom of the page is overlaid on the first picture and everything beneath it is the wrong shade of blue. I can still see all the comments and the sidebar - it’s just the wrong colour.
And I’m getting an error above the Listverse banner:
“WordPress database error: [Lost connection to MySQL server during query]
SELECT cat_ID, category_nicename, category_parent FROM wp_categories WHERE category_nicename = ‘people’”
Hopefully a temporary problem
48. Robeywan - June 30th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Thank you for that. A million more great lines where those came from. King George will be greatly missed. A once in a lifetime human. (sniff)
49. Cyn - June 30th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Tempyra -
site was down for a while. all should be well now though.
50. MommaKat - June 30th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Sadkiddo: You stole my quote!! lol there are lots to choose from, so here’s another one of my faves:
The (revised) commandments: Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie, and thou shalt try REAL hard not to kill anyone, unless of course, they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to.
And can’t forget the Sleep and F**k!!!!
51. Csimmons - June 30th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Awesome list, great tribute, we lost one of the funniest guys to ever walk the planet, RIP George, I am buying all his specials and cd’s. and what happened to the India list?
52. Cyn - June 30th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Csimmons -
it was removed.
think its been discussed in forums.
53. Keppa - June 30th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Ugh…I was so sad when I heard this news.
I got to see him live 2 summers ago on Cape Cod. It was so awesome - even though it was right after he had just had heart surgery, he was definitely the same ol’ George.
He will be missed greatly by many….
54. everlast - June 30th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I think he was over rated, i always found his stuff, eh ok. I can recall watching one of his entire specials and barely laughed more then just a chuckle.
Perhaps back in the day, he was more edgey and pushing the comedy line, but the last 10 years seemed bland.
55. Dow - June 30th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Motion to install a spell check in the comment box for Diogenes? Aye. All opposed? *cricket, cricket*. Motion passed. Meeting adjourned.
56. papabear - June 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I love George Carlin. “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” I also love his comparison between baseball and football.
57. Randall - June 30th, 2008 at 11:56 am
everlast:
Come on… just because someone went downhill in their old age, that doesn’t mean they were overrated. When Carlin was at the top of his game, in the mid-to-late 60s and into the 70s, there were few comics in the US who were funnier.
58. segue - June 30th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I was lucky enough to see Carlin live, very close to the beginning of his rise to fame. It was a small enough club that you could see every expression on his face, every little twitch of his body, every curve of his finger, every cocked eyebrow that added the nuances necessary to the hilarity of the rants.
Along with the rest of the audience I started to laugh almost immediately, and laughed so hard my stomach and sides hurt for days.
The man wasn’t just a guy saying funny things, he had perfect timing in saying them. He was a great physical comedian, too, in those early years.
Saying he was great isn’t enough…but, then again, what else *can* you say?
Use every adjective you can come up with; it all boils down to one thing.
He was great, a unique talent, and he will be missed.
59. bucslim - June 30th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
They’re thinking of banning toy guns. . . AND THEY’RE GOING TO KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES!!!!
60. Ouchmaker - June 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Just a great list, but with someone like George Carlin, it’s hard to stop at just 20.
61. JAKE - June 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
R.I.P
62. Adam - June 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Chickens are decent people!
63. Joe - June 30th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Ranking people is silly. Appreciating them is smart. Whose funniest? How could that ever be decided? Who among all the smart, funny, entertaining people do we love most? Again, a stupid question. But there are some great ones. That’s a comparison I’m willing to tolerate. George Carlin is one of them. I don’t like rankings. Out of all the things I don’t like it’s number 4. But I do like lists, and I ignore the best, second best, 3rd, etc part. Ranking does stimulate controversy,though, and that’s fun, so I guess I like ranking after all. So, just forget all the above.
64. Carrie - June 30th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
George Carlin was the very first comic I saw live. My husband and I can quote him back and forth to each other for hours. One of our more recent (last 15 years or so) favorites was “Icebox Man”. Going back further, I like his Hippy Dippy Weatherman.
Just gave away my age, but oh well…
65. HexenBexen - June 30th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
My favourite Carlin quote:
Suppose they hand you an upside-down, backward, Chinese, braille bible with half the pages missing…does it still count?
66. melina - June 30th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
“think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider then that”
Rip George Carlin, you will be missed
67. Pkay - June 30th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I grew up listening to “The Seven Words” and Al Sleet, the “Hippy Dippy Weatherman” on album. Loved it then, Love it now. Fillmore the VW bus from “Cars” is no more. But let’s take Fillmore’s advice, “Respect the Classics, MAN!”
68. Cedestra - June 30th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Could anyone who often posts to listverse please contact me at Nerikasne@hotmail.com? I am coming up with a little birthday present for Jamie/the site. Sorry for the repetition; I’m posting this on all active lists.
69. alucard - June 30th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Is it just me or has anyone had a problem accesing listverse these past few days?
Good tribute Jamie
Thank you Mr. Carlin
70. segue - July 1st, 2008 at 8:44 am
****
69. alucard - June 30th, 2008
Is it just me or has anyone had a problem accesing listverse these past few days?
****
It’s *NOT* just you!
I access listverse using two computers, and it’s been a problem from niggling to downright impossible to even find the site (or so say my machines).
When I did get on, half the time I couldn’t navigate at all, and the other times, when I could, only some of my posts went through.
So, in summation, yeah, I’ve been problems too.
71. Cyn - July 1st, 2008 at 10:03 am
sorry about that guyz but yeah, there had been some technical issues that have since been resolved.
as always your patience is appreciated whenever stuff like that happens.
72. Janet - July 2nd, 2008 at 1:07 am
George Carlin was a very funny man and his skits were not just made up to get people to laugh,they were his true feelings and he wrote all his own shows.I have been a Carlin fan since the early seventies and kick myself in the ass for never seeing him live.I just watched his last HBO special “It’s bad for ya” and he was great.He was like fine wine and just got better with age.Rest in peace Mr Carlin,we will surely miss you.
73. Gecko - July 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Man, you’ve gotta love that guy. Those are so funny!
74. MR. Peanut - July 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
damn… that was great, i think i need a smoke now
lol
75. Blade - July 23rd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I wish I could have seen him live. Rest in piece you crazy bastard.
76. Scorch - July 23rd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I never heard of him until a day before his death. That day my dad showed me his football/baseball talk. It was great. The next day I heard about his death on the news, then looked up every video of him on Youtube. A friend (Blade) showed me this page and I just laughed. Rest in peace George. I hope you passed your final exam (see 12 if you don’t get this).