Top 10 Tips For Making An Emergency Landing
Published on May 8, 2008 - 109 Comments
It seems like a good time to add to our survival lists with this next exciting installment, aimed at teaching you how to land a light plane in the case of emergency. I am sure we have all fantasized about being able to stand up when an air hostess dramatically cries “Is there anyone on board who can land this plane?!” and say “Yes! Yes, I can land this plane. Show me to the cockpit!”. Well - perhaps that is not true, frankly I hope I am never in a situation like that - but it certainly appears in films often enough that someone somewhere must be hoping for it.
So, for those of you with this weird desire, or those of us who travel frequently, here is a list of the ten steps to take when a pilot is down and you are in charge. NOTE: Listverse will not be responsible for any damages you may cause in a poorly executed landing.
This is the most important step - you absolutely must not panic. When you first arrive in the cockpit you can be sure of at least one of two things: either the pilot will have set the plane to fly on auto, or he will have “trimmed” it to fly “hands off”. In both cases the plane will maintain a steady speed, course, and height. In addition, the pilot will have filed a flight plane, so Air-Traffic Control (ATC) will be aware of your flight.
First of all you must remove the pilots feet from the area of the rudder pedals (these are in pretty much the same position as the pedals in a car). After this, make sure that his hands and body are not obstructing the control column or “yoke” (this is sometimes also called the joystick). Most modern planes have dual controls - this means you should be able to land from the co-pilot’s seat. If not, you will need to remove the pilot entirely from his seat so that you can take his place.
Once you are sitting, don’t touch anything - you need to evaluate the situation first. Check the attitude indicator - this is usually found in the center of the top row of instruments in front of the pilot. The attitude indicator is also called the artificial horizon or the gyro horizon. This shows the position of your plane in relation to the ground - it will show whether the wings are level, and whether the plane is climbing or ascending, or flying at a steady height. It shows a pair of straight lines (representing the wings) - behind which is a sphere or ball that is divided horizontally (the top is the sky - usually blue, and the bottom is the ground, usually brown). If the two lines representing the wings, and the white dot between them (which shows the position of the plane’s nose) line up with the fixed line representing the horizon, you are fine. If they don’t line up, it probably means that autopilot is off and you are not following a level course.
If the autopilot is off you are going to have to manually take control of the plane. Move the yoke in front of you little by little to get the wing lines on the attitude indicator level with the horizon line. Pull the yoke toward you to bring the nose of the plane up, and push it bring the nose of the plane down. Moving it from left to right will bank the plane in the same direction. Do this all very gently until the plane is flying straight and level. Do not use the rudder pedals.
In front of you in the centre you should see the radio. If you can’t find a microphone on the panel, put on the pilot’s headset. Press the button labelled PTT (Push To Talk) and say m’aidez (mayday - from the French meaning “help me”) three times. Speak slowly and clearly. Follow this by saying “Pilot unconscious”. Release the PTT button so the receiver of your call can reply to you.
Directly below the radio should be the transponder - this identifies your plane on the radar and sends out your location so ATC can track you. Set the dials to 7700 (or type the number in) - this stands for “General Emergency” - once it is set, ATC will know you have a problem.
By now someone at air traffic control should be able to communicate freely with you and give you step by step instructions on landing. Follow the instructions exactly and do not be afraid to ask any questions or for the controller to repeat himself. You will be instructed on how to bring the aircraft to a safe height for landing. He will also tell you what to do to control engine power, how to lower the landing gear, and changing course if you need. He will describe all of the other instruments you need to be aware of. You may end up landing in a field or on a road - so keep your eyes out for power lines and trees.
As you approach the landing area, stay in a straight line. Just before hitting the ground, pull back slightly on the yoke - this will lift the nose of the aircraft and ensure that you land on the main wheels beneath the wings. As you slow down, the nose will naturally come forward.
Once the main wheels are on the ground, reduce your speed by pulling the throttle right back towards you. This is a big black level between the pilot and co-pilot’s seats, or a large knob - usually black - in the lower center of the of the instrument panel. A lot of light aircraft have toe brakes on the rudder pedals - if these are installed on your plane, press them gently to bring the plane to a standstill - avoiding skidding.
If there is a key (like a car’s ignition key) on the instrument panel, turn it to kill the engine (wait until the plane is at a complete standstill!) Help the pilot in any way you can and then, once the propeller has stopped turning - exit the plane. With a little luck, great fame now awaits you!
This list was inspired by an article in The Boys Book of Survival
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1. islanderbst - May 8th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Before you volunteer, make sure you didnt eat the fish! Oh, and a hot flight attendant like Halle Berry in Executive Decision would be great!
2. Milo - May 8th, 2008 at 7:07 am
I read somewhere that there is no recorded occurrence of anyone actually landing a plane who wasn’t the pilot except for a case where a stewardess took over. Whether it’s because the need has never come up or because all attempts have failed I dunno. Hopefully the former.
3. Bob - May 8th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Man, if this ever happened. . .it would be pretty awesome.
Has this ever happened? lol
4. Mom424 - May 8th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Yeah, great fame or death in a fiery ball of aviation fuel. Definitely a case of feast or famine!
I hate flying.
5. Kristin - May 8th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Wow that was very helpful! I have never been on a plane before, so whenever I do fly I will print this list out and take it with me! You never know what could happen!
6. closet_nerd - May 8th, 2008 at 7:23 am
“I’m looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something help me burn out bright”
I would probably just end up flying like a 5 year old would drive a car. Turning the wheel back and forth while making airplane sounds and pretending to shoot down Nazis.
7. Malaprops - May 8th, 2008 at 7:25 am
There have been instances where a non-pilot has landed a plane, but they’ve been small ones, not airliners.
As a former flight instructor who has taught several non-pilots how to land if their Significant Other collapses at the controls of the family Cessna, it isn’t easy (but it IS possible).
If I had to sum up my advice, it’s don’t panic, don’t make any sudden moves, and see if you can call for help on the radio.
Then kiss your ass goodbye!
8. Kreachure - May 8th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Well, it seems we’re now ready to hear these fateful words when we’re aboard an airplane…
“Excuse me sir, there’s been a little problem in the cockpit…”
“The cockpit? What is it?”
“It’s the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that’s not important right now.”
9. billyrules! - May 8th, 2008 at 7:30 am
this list makes me want to fly a plane.
10. jadester - May 8th, 2008 at 7:30 am
im flying in a week! thanks :S
is the number 7000 or 7700 for #6?
11. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 7:35 am
jadester: 7700
billyrules!: Funnily enough it makes me want to fly too!
12. avthedemon - May 8th, 2008 at 7:38 am
wouldn’t it’ll be better to take the parachutes and jump off? If even the pilot can’t handle the situation , its useless to have any hope from an amateur
13. FINSFAN - May 8th, 2008 at 7:39 am
I happen to find this list somewhat useless. A wasted read. ZZZZZZZZZZZ
14. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I could land the plane, if it wasn’t for Macho Grande and my drinking problem.
15. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 7:46 am
FINFAN, have you ever seen a grown man naked?
16. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 7:47 am
I also speak jive.
17. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 7:48 am
And I picked the wrong week to quite sniffen glue.
18. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 7:53 am
bucslim - love the airplane reference
19. robneiderman - May 8th, 2008 at 7:56 am
CRAP…all the good plane-related movie lines are taken. Um…”always bet on black”…anyone? *sigh*
20. carpe_noctem - May 8th, 2008 at 7:57 am
bucslim - hahaha!!
mom - i hate flying too, don’t you worry…
And i also heard somewhere that there’s never been a successful water landing, ie one where anyone has survived. If you think about it, a gigantic cylinder of aluminium hitting the water at high velocity isn’t going to float gently, it’s going to squish… So all those life jackets and stuff, aren’t they just to make everyone feel better? Sorry for anyone who’s planning on flying soon.
21. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I just want to tell you Good Luck, we’re all counting on you.
22. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 8:09 am
# 16, should be quit, not quite. Over, huh?
23. miller - May 8th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I seen a thing on the show mythbusters and with no or little knowledge they were able to be talked through a landing(all through flight simulation). It seemed very possible for this to be done. Great List! You make it sound so easy, however I would have trouble getting through step one let alone the rest.
24. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 8:13 am
carpe_noctem: unfortunately that is probably me - 24 hours in a tin pot flying through the sky.
25. stevenh - May 8th, 2008 at 8:27 am
lol - Related list is “25 ways to kill with your bare hands”
jamie: are you going to add ‘make an emergency landing’ to that list?
ps. never liked flying
26. warningdontreadthis - May 8th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Great list Jfrater, nice one to see on my birthday
!
27. skipps - May 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Tip #11: Practise landing skills on Microsoft Flight Simulator.
28. downhighway61 - May 8th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I’m liking the disclaimer at the top.
29. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Happy Birthday warningdontreadthis!
stevenh: hehe - that isn’t with your bare hands
30. Kath - May 8th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Is that the attitude indicator or altitude indicator?
I could use one of those attitude indicators at work.
31. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 8:49 am
“Sir, they need to see you in the cockpit right away.”
“The cockpit?! What is it?!”
“…It’s a little room at the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that isn’t important right now.”
32. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 8:50 am
“You’ve got clearence, Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?”
33. dizit - May 8th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Uh, I hate to break this to you, but the cockpit doors are all LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!!!! So if the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator are all incapacitated, you might as well just go ahead and panic…there is no way out.
34. Kreachure - May 8th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Heheh, I guess my Airplane quote has started a trend here…
SlickWilly: Surely you might want to check what scenes have already been quoted in the comments before putting more…
And sorry for calling you Shirley! XD
35. Theodore - May 8th, 2008 at 9:24 am
No time to comment. There’s a sale at Penny’s!
36. dsotm - May 8th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Good list…I’m flying out west in a week so knowing these tips are mildly comforting…
37. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Have you ever been kicked, in the head, with an iron boot? Of course you haven’t, it’s a stupid question, forget I even asked it.
38. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
It’s a good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts.
39. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Lay me down and smack um yack um! Cole got the beat, sheeah.
40. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Oh, and we’re out of coffee.
41. Randall - May 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
OF COURSE… an invitation to whole plethora of Airplane quotes. You people… so predictable. Soooooo immature. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Wellllllll…. speaking as the son of a pilot (and as someone who is learning to fly) in my humblest of humble opinions, this list makes it sound too easy. At some point, folks, you gotta use those rudder pedals. And that won’t be easy, coordinating them with the stick for the very first time in your life. Though… it *can* be done.
And *has* been done–NOT in a large airliner–as someone said earlier, there was an incident where a stewardess took the wheel, as it were, but never a passenger. BUT there have been a couple occasions, at least, where passengers managed to land small aircraft when the pilot was incapacitated.
Also, on a recent episode of Mythbusters, the guys managed it in a flight simulator, being “talked down” by a pilot over the “radio.”
Still… have no illusions…. in any kind of aircraft, this would be a 50/50 proposition (I would say) which would depend a lot on the weather, the kind of aircraft, (some are far harder to fly than others) and how well the novice pilot can keep his/her cool.
One other thing…. air traffic controllers are NOT required to be pilots or to have knowledge of FLYING an aircraft. Getting one on the radio is not, therefore, going to help you with flying and landing the plane. A certified PILOT would have to get on the horn to talk you down… and not just any old pilot. There’s a big difference between flying a Piper Cub and a 767.
and that ain’t no jive talkin’.
42. trojan_man - May 8th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Randall: “50/50 proposition”? Are you becoming a pessimist? An optimist would have said, “in any kind of aircraft, you have a good chance of a safe landing”.
43. Kreachure - May 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
From #4:
“If the autopilot is off you are going to have to manually take control of the plane.”
Um, wouldn’t it be easier to simply turn the autopilot ON??
I’ve heard that the inflatable ones do a great job and look good too!
44. QDV - May 8th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Another tip: If you had some kind of bad experience over Macho Grande, be sure you get over it. Also, remember: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a white zone.
45. islanderbst - May 8th, 2008 at 10:29 am
For something taht never happens, there certainly have been a lot of movies about passengers landing planes, (probably enough for a list)
I came across one with Elisha Cuthbert before she was in [i]24[/i] as a spoiled kid piloting the plane. Some bad acting, and she landed the plane perfectly!
46. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Kreachure: Aww…you beat me to it.
———————-
“Johnny, what can you make of these charts?”
“Well, let’s see…I can make a hat, or a boat, or a bird!”
———————-
“Hey! I know you! You’re Kareem Abdul Jabar! You play for the Los Angeles Lakers!”
“Uh…no, kid, you must have me confused with someone else.”
“No, you’re definately him. My dad has season tickets.”
“You must be mistaken, kid, my name is Richard Murdock. I’m the co-pilot.”
“I think you’re great, but my dad says you don’t work hard enough on defense, and sometimes he says you don’t even run down the court. And that you don’t really try except during the playoff.”
“The hell I don’t!”
Haaa…pure comedy gold.
47. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 10:45 am
“…*Roger* Murdock…”
48. Mathilda - May 8th, 2008 at 10:47 am
My brother always explains what he is doing when I fly with him so I think that I MIGHT be able to survive landing his plane (a Piper Cherokee, I think it is). But, on the bright side (following pun intended), I am confident that I can turn on the runway landing lights from the air so at least the EMT’s will be able to find my body more easily! That is until someone unplugs them.
Mayday! Mayday!
What the heck is that?
Why, that’s the Russian New Year. We can have a parade and serve hot hors d’oeuvres…
49. bucslim - May 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Don’t give me any of that white zone shit again, admit it, you want me to get an abortion.
50. toolnut - May 8th, 2008 at 11:24 am
So long and thanks for all the fish. . .
51. trojan_man - May 8th, 2008 at 11:44 am
There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
52. Amber - May 8th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I definitely enjoyed reading this… but I would never be able to figure it all out if the need be. haha
53. ct305 - May 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
54. stevenh - May 8th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I was thinking of adding a few Airplane quotes myself, but then thought, ‘What the hell… post the whole Damn Script”
AchTeeTeePee://www.textfiles.com/media/SCRIPTS/airplane
55. copperdragon - May 8th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
we’re gonna hafta blow the autopilot!
*blow* the autopilot?
[autopilot grins]
56. trojan_man - May 8th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
stevenh: Thanks alot (with sarcasm), my boss is going to be pissed.
57. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Bucslim: It’s really the only sensible thing to do. If it’s done safely, therapeutically, there’s no danger involved.
58. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Jfrater: I think you might be interested to know that one of the most prevalent ads I’ve seen today on this site is for the $cientology youtube video channel.
59. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
daddy247: Haha! That’s fucked, man.
60. Cedestra - May 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
6. closet_nerd: LMAO! Nice…
Good, at least toolnut and I got the Hitchhiker’s reference. You guys go for the obvious Airplane quotes…sheesh.
Anyone else daydream about landing a plane and being a hero and getting a life-time supply of Cadbury Easter Eggs when reading this list? ME TOO!!!
61. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
SlickWilly: Thanks - I have now banned them from advertising on this site. Scum bags!
62. jfrater - May 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
oh - btw, it takes at least one hour for their ads to stop showing.
63. danielle - May 8th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I can’t fly, it scares the crap out of me.
64. Kreachure - May 8th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Hmm, I was gonna complain about the Scientology ads too, but I didn’t know what Xenu would do to me…!
65. danielle - May 8th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
P.s. knowing how to know? what does that even mean haha
66. Randall - May 8th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Danielle:
Safest way to travel that there is… as long as the FAA is properly seeing to it that the airlines do their regular goddamn inspections.
The most dangerous times in a flight are during take-off and landing. The flight itself is cake. Remember that.
Also, note that EVEN THOUGH we had the FAA fucking their job up royally recently (so it seems) we still went an entire year without a single air accident in this country. But.. thousands died in car accidents.
67. Kreachure - May 8th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
PS. According to Scientology, the first humans were brought to Earth in space planes that looked exactly like DC-8 airliners.
Thank goodness Xenu knew how to do a landing procedure…!
68. danielle - May 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Randall:
Yeah I know I should be more logical about it. I still fly sometimes, but whenever possible I will take the bus just because of the stress. Flying alone is what really gets me.
69. Randall - May 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Honestly…. I want to know how to know how to know. Uh… how to know.
Couldn’t we ALL learn something from a dyslexic moron of a pretty boy, has-been, crazy, egotistical, bad actor and his dead, confidence- trickster, hack-sci-fi writer overlord? Isn’t THAT where wisdom truly lies? I mean come on… who is this Dalai Lama jerk next to the guy who wrote “Dianetics” and the guy who starred in “Cocktail”?
I mean, when will you people try to understand? His Holiness Mr. Cruise just wants to save us from ourselves… and the drug-pushing psychiatrists… and…. the business managers at Paramount.
oh no, wait… the Paramount guys were trying to save us from *Cruise.*
70. trojan_man - May 8th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Kreachure: according to Xenu, slickwilly and jfrater are now “Fair Game”…so be careful.
71. Csimmons - May 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
this is a good list, but considering that no one has ever had to make an emergency landing, i will never need it, but a good list still.
72. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
trojan_man: They can “dead agent” me all they want. I don’t have a reputation they can ruin and I have no money for them to take. So there.
73. SlickWilly - May 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Randall: You forgot short. And smarmy. And sexually confused. I could go on. Wakka, wakka, wakka.
74. trojan_man - May 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
slickwilly: but do you really want a lilliputian jumping all over your couch?
75. warningdontreadthis - May 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Jfrater: Do you have any control over the ads on this site. I should imagine you arnt particularly fond of Scientology. Just a question
76. warningdontreadthis - May 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I just read your previous comment, you’ve taken care of it. Good job!
77. Ian - May 8th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Carpe_Noctem: you are sort of right about water landings. There have been practically no successful water ditchings in jet times. A Dutch Caribbean Airlines DC9 did a water ditching in the 60s and half the passengers survived. There was also the Ethiopian Airlines hijacking in the mid 90s where the plane ran out of fuel and crashed just off-shore near the Comoros- the survivors of this flight got out because the plane broke up, not by filing out the exits in an orderly fashion. Most of the deaths were because people inflated their lifejackets inside the plane, which meant they became trapped.
78. goof_ball - May 8th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I hope I’ll really never need to use these tips.
79. Spocker - May 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Your forgot these important steps:
11. Set your legs at 45 degree angles
12. Grab both ankles with your hands
13. Bend forward so your head is firmly between your knees
14. And kiss your ass good bye
80. Hemroid - May 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Number 3, its says attitude indicator. Should that say altitude indicator? I don’t know anything about planes but i just thought it might be a spelling mistake. And don’t call me Shirley
81. Mom424 - May 8th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Hemroid;
Attitude is your position relative to the horizon. You want to be flying flat and level. Not going up or down or banking left or right.
Altitude is height.
82. MPW - May 8th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
handy list. nice work
83. MPW - May 8th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
hemroid: just clarifying for you
attitude:the inclination of the three principal axes of an aircraft relative to the wind, to the ground, etc.
84. MPW - May 8th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
if you ever were in such a dangerous situation you would need a major “attitude” adjustment.
Sorry
85. Mikkle - May 8th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
“Does anyone know how to land a plane” - stewardess
“Thanks for the jinx, jfrater” - me
86. astraya - May 8th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
On the subject of Scientology, according to wikipedia, today’s anniversary:
1950 – Speculative fiction author L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health was first published, describing his self-improvement techniques known as Dianetics.
One of my favourite books as a teenager was “Talk Down” by Brian Lecomber, in which a flying instructor (coincidentally flying in a plane nearby) must guide a passenger whose boyfriend/pilot has collapsed at the controls.
87. astraya - May 8th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I have just been browsing around the Sydney Morning Herald website, which includes the following.
Half airline accidents occur upon landing: IATA
About half of the 100 airline accidents worldwide last year took place during landing, the International Air Transport Association (IATA) said today.
Many of those accidents could have been avoided if pilots made a second attempt at the runway, or if obstacles on the ground were properly cleared, according to a safety report by the Geneva-based industry group.
There were 692 fatalities in 2007, down from 855 the previous year despite many more people travelling by air. The global passenger count rose by 6 per cent over the year to 2.2 billion.
One-fifth of the accidents in 2007 caused deaths. The most serious crashes were in Brazil, Indonesia and Africa, deemed by IATA the most dangerous region in which to travel by air.
“It is still six times less safe to fly in Africa than the rest of the world,” IATA Director-General Giovanni Bisignani said, while stressing that the overall global accident rate has been cut by half since 1998.
“Air travel is the safest mode of transportation,” he said.
Russia and the former Soviet states had no accidents last year, and North America and Europe had lower accident rates than the world average, according to IATA, whose 240 member airlines represent 94 per cent of scheduled international air traffic.
The biggest accident last year was a TAM Brasil flight crash on July 17, followed by a Kenya Airways crash on May 5 and one involving an Adam Air Indonesia flight on January 1.
IATA said poor flight crew training contributed to 20 per cent of air accidents in 2007, and flight control and manual handling errors were factors in nearly 40 per cent.
Maintenance problems played into 20 per cent of the accidents recorded, it added.
88. danielle - May 8th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Randall:
hahaha thanks for the enlightenment
89. sporty_dan - May 9th, 2008 at 12:47 am
So, let’s say I print this list and take it with me on my next trip as a handy reference guide.
It falls out of my pocket while digging for my passport.
An airport security agent picks it up for me.
Hilarity ensues.
90. jfrater - May 9th, 2008 at 12:59 am
sporty_dan: haha - excellent - I would love to be there to see the hilarity ensuing
91. help - May 9th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Do you mean 7700 or 7000 for the transponder??
can someone help –i’m about to crash
92. Drogo - May 9th, 2008 at 3:29 am
Step #11.. Change underwear - Because step #1 wasn’t totally successful.
93. Bass - May 9th, 2008 at 4:19 am
Drogo: HA.
94. bucslim - May 9th, 2008 at 5:20 am
G. Gordon Liddy says it’s all ball bearings these days, maybe you guys need a refresher.
95. Kreachure - May 9th, 2008 at 5:31 am
sporty_dan: don’t you mean cavity search ensues?
96. trojan_man - May 9th, 2008 at 5:40 am
bucslim: A Fletch reference? You are my hero.
97. bucslim - May 9th, 2008 at 5:55 am
trojan_man - thanks, and I’ve used your products from time to time as well.
98. trojan_man - May 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
bucslim: thess days you can never be too careful.
And by the way, I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jacknifed on the Santa Ana. You should see my shoes.
99. bucslim - May 9th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Thanks again trojan_man, now I have to clean coke off of my monitor after I spewed a gobful of cola all over it after I read your post.
Sorry jamie, it’s not my intention to only quote goofy movie lines, but I can’t help it. My therapist told me I was squat humped as a child while watching Airplane and Fletch. It’s part of my recovery.
100. jfrater - May 9th, 2008 at 6:46 am
bucslim: I am afraid to ask - but I will: what is squat humping?
101. chershey - May 9th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I can just see it now. A flight attendant stands at the front of the plane and asks if anyone knows how to land a plane. I raise my hand in the air waving a piece of paper, “I do! I learned on Listverse!”
102. dizit - May 9th, 2008 at 9:25 am
My husband was an Air Force navigator for 20+ years flying, almost exclusively, those enormous air force cargo planes.
He can land one one of those. Landing a passenger plane would be like the pilot of a jumbo jet landing a piper cub.
So the next time you fly, ask if Major Anderson is on board. Otherwise, in an emergency, become a member of the mile-high club so you can at least go out with a smile on your face.
103. sporty_dan - May 9th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Kreachure: I charge extra for that. Hey-o!
104. Dan - May 9th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
whatever you do, don’t do a barrel roll!
this is an awesome list
everyone should read through it in detail, cos you never know…
105. Blaxter - May 9th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
“We need you to land this plane.”
“Surely you can’t be serious?”
“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
106. Mike - May 14th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
What about one for a helicopter? Make sure to add really dramatic instructions including how to avoid RPGs while you lose control of the tail rotor, and how to make a really dramatic crash landing that’ll get you injured, that’ll lead to an insane rescue mission that only leads up to the death of more teammates, and in some instances a total loss of an entire platoon or whatever.
107. Kathleen - June 26th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Wow, you never know if anything like that will happen to you. Good tips.
108. Kathleen - June 26th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
chershey: That’s what I’d do hahaha.