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15 Truly Bizarre Patents

by Jamie Frater
fact checked by brunobanana

The desire to make a quick buck drives many would-be inventors to patent every possible idea they get in case some day it becomes a useful tool. Most of the time, it doesn’t. This is a list of 15 of the most bizarre patents registered.

1. Buttock Parter International Patent WO02069773


Yes – you read that right. This patent is meant to part your buttocks whilst sitting on the toilet. The text of the patent describes this far better than I: The invention relates to a toilet seat comprising a seat surface for the user and an opening limited by the seat surface. The invention aims to facilitate defaecation for the user in a simple, comfortable manner and preventing soiling in the area around the anus when defaecating. Means which are actuated by the weight of the user are provided for spreading the buttocks of the user during the defecation process. Nice.

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2. Poop Catcher German Patent DE4020440


While we are on the subject of toilets, let me introduce the poop catcher. The device comprises a tube with two apertures, the first of which, insertable in the anus, has a rounded end. It is made of soft to hard plastics. The second end is connected to an all-purpose suction unit. The tube is screwed into the middle of a plastics funnel. The funnel locates correctly against the buttocks, thus preventing any unnecessary staining. Use: For the hygienic removal of feces from dogs. The device. can also find application with human patients who suffer from chronic constipation, or are bed-ridden. I think the inventor of this patent could very nearly be a candidate for the Top 10 Most Evil Men list. Your dog or bed-ridden relatives will really love you if you get them one of these… Not!

3. Dog Ear Protector US Patent US4233942


This invention provides a device for protecting the ears of animals, especially long-haired dogs, from becoming soiled by the animal’s food while the animal is eating. The device provides a generally tubular shaped member for containing and protecting each ear of the animal, and a member to position the tubular member and animal ears away from the mouth and food of the animal while it is eating. I would hate to see the poor dog trying to get through a dog-door with these on its head.

4. Amusement Urinal US Patent US4773863


A urinal with amusement features. Discourages the inadvertent or intentional diversion of urine outside the proper receptacle. Urine is detected by pressure or temperature sensors 12, sending an electrical signal to a control unit 16. This activates a loudspeaker 28 and video screen 24, to provide audio and visual signals. The combination of sight and sound may be varied by the user upon proper direction of the urine stream, and the user is actively involved in his own amusement.

5. Unicorn Maker US Patent US4429685


This invention relates to a method of growing unicorns in a manner that enhances the overall development of the animal. In order to achieve this quite bizarre creature, the patent describes surgery to join the two horns of a goat together as one central horn.

6. Groin Enhancer UK Patent GB2301524


A Contoured Ulterior Pouch (CUP), a menswear personal accessory, is shown back view in Figure 4. The CUP has thick soft outcurved walls W, which cover and augment the wearer’s scrotum and testes without confining his penis. The scrotum and testes stay within the shell-like interior hollow cavity C, which is formed by the outcurved walls and the penis always stays free to function normally through opening O. Rim R stays snugly around the organs’ root base, thereby releasably securing the CUP to the wearer, whilst giving the appearance of there being no visible means of support. The CUP can be manufactured to simulate all the natural human male scrotal characteristics, in feel and appearance. This, complemented by the wearer’s own penis, confounds visual detection and creates a true-to-life and more robust manly form.

7. Banana Protection Device US Patent US6612440


A banana protective device for storing and transporting a banana carefully. The banana protective device includes a container having a first cover member and a second cover member being hingedly attached to the first cover member and being adapted to store a banana therein; and also includes pad members being securely disposed upon the first and second cover members for protecting and cushioning the banana; and further includes fastening members being attached to the first and second cover members for fastenably closing the first and second cover members together.

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8. Mucous Remover
US Patent US6471679


A portable nasal, mucus removing device includes a case having an internal empty space for receiving parts, and a motor placed within the case and rotated by receipt of driving power from a battery. A power transmission unit is connected to the motor to convert the rotating movement of the motor into a reciprocating movement. A vacuum generator is connected to the power transmission unit to generate a vacuum pressure by introducing an external air or discharging the introduced air. A guide tube is attached to an inner wall of the storage tank to guide the introduced nasal mucus into the storage tank. A control unit for controlling the vacuum pressure in the vacuum generator is provided at the case to induce or stop the introduction of the nasal mucus.

9. Portable Seat UK Patent GB2267208


The apparatus 10 comprises a cushioned seat member 18 pivotally mounted to a flexible intermediate member 16. A belt 14 is provided mounted on the member 16 and which permits the apparatus to be worn around a person’s waist. The apparatus can adopt two positions, a stowed position (shown) with the member 18 lying substantially flat against the member 16, and a seating position (Fig. 2) where the member 18 hangs below the member 16 and can be sat upon by the wearer. Fastening means may be provided for holding the member 18 in the stowed position. A releasable strap (30, Fig. 7) may be provided to hold the member 18 against a person’s buttocks. The member 18 may be profiled (Fig. 6). The member 16 and the underside of the member 18 may be of waterproof material.

10. Lap Dance Liner US Patent US6406462


A combination pouch and underwear pant is worn by a man for facilitating sexual activity such as lap dancing. The pouch is worn over the sex organs of a man under the underwear pant, which is adapted by an elastic waistband for compressively pinning the pouch in place. The pouch is made of a flexible and elastic material. A top edge of the pouch provides access to an interior of the pouch of a hand and wrist of the wearer so as to facilitate insertion of the wearer’s sex organs into the pouch through an aperture, which encircles penis and scrotum. The aperture elastically compresses between a top surface at the base of the penis of the wearer and a bottom surface at the base of the scrotum of the wearer. With the pouch in place, the wearer is able to facilitate the capture of body fluids without fear of the pouch moving away from its preferred position relative to the torso of the wearer.

11. Ladies Underwear and Calendar US Patent US5606748


At the front waistband of a feminine undergarment, a clip holding band is equipped by sewing horizontal and vertical threads in a grid form, and below the clip holding band, a date portion is located in which numerals and heart shapes are printed in two lines. Both edges of the clip holding band are designed to be sewn as to extend from the date portion. At first, a gold heart-shaped clip is hooked on the right end portion and a silver heart-shaped clip is hooked on the left end of the clip holding band with a vertical pin and a horizontal pin. Moving the clip on to the clip holding band above the date of the date portion below and allowing the vertical pin tip end to protrude from the clip holding band enables the clip to indicate the date below. This enables the recording of the date when the period began and allows for the computation of the time until the next period begins.

12. Safe-sex Suit French Patent FR2640874


The present invention concerns a device for protection against transmissible diseases consisting of an outside covering made of a flexible plastic material, preferably transparent, covering a part at least of the body and comprising means (9) for attaching a sheath (4). It also relates to a sheath for implementation on such protection device. Application for combating infectious diseases.

13. Kissing Shield US Patent US5727565


A kissing shield comprised of a thin, flexible membrane and a frame or holder. The membrane is closed on three sides, a fourth side remaining open so that the membrane can be stretched over the frame or holder. The frame or holder consists of a supporting member and an elongated handle. The supporting member adapts over the bottom part of the user’s face and has sufficient dimension to cover the lips and most of the cheeks and extends from under the nose to the bottom of the chin. The elongated handle extends laterally from the supporting member and is sized to be held in the hand of the user such that the hand is spaced apart from the supporting member and membrane. In use, the membrane is placed over the frame or holder. Using the handle portion of the frame or holder, the user places the kissing shield under his nose, so that it covers his lips, cheeks and chin. The user then positions the kissing shield between his lips and the lips or cheek of the individual he plans to kiss and kisses the intended recipient of his affection.

14. Santa Claus Detector US Patent US5523741


A children’s Christmas Stocking device useful for visually signalling the arrival of Santa Claus by illuminating an externally visable light source having a power source located within said device.

15. Hiccup Stopper US Patent US7062320


A device for the treatment of hiccups, and more specifically, to a method and apparatus for the treatment of hiccups involving galvanic stimulation of the Superficial Phrenetic and Vagus nerves using an electric current. The aim is to take a sip of water from the device which will then give you an electric shock to frighten the hiccups away. A great one if you have annoying kids that hiccup a lot.

Patent Data Sourced from the Espacenet Database

fact checked by brunobanana
Jamie Frater

Jamie is the founder of Listverse. When he’s not doing research for new lists or collecting historical oddities, he can be found in the comments or on Facebook where he approves all friends requests!

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