Subscribe to Listverse10 Brilliant Quotes
- Published September 16, 2007 - 103 Comments
Some of the funniest words are spoken on the spur of the moment. This is a collection of ten brilliant or witty quotes. If you have a favorite witty quote, be sure to put it in the comments for all to enjoy.
1. W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
And another:
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
2. Oscar Wilde
I am not young enough to know everything.
And as he was probably one of the most witty men in history, we need another:
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
3. Sir Winston Churchill
Lady Nancy Astor (to Churchill): “Sir, you’re drunk!”
Churchill: “Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Churchill and Astor are famous for these repartees, so I have to include a second:
Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your coffee.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d drink it!”
4. Nancy Mitford
I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away.
And another:
An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.
5. Dorothy Parker
I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d be darling at it.
And:
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
6. Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
7. Alice Longworth (daughter of Theodore Roosevelt)
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
8. Orson Welles
“In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.”
9. Margot Asquith
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
10. Margaret Thatcher
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
September 16th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate! Sandra J. Dykes
best quote site online Quote Garden
September 16th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Cyn – haha that is definitely brilliant!
September 16th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Robert Frost “I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life in three words: It goes on”
September 16th, 2007 at 11:51 am
seymour: oh how true!
September 16th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
you listed my favorite quote by Douglas Adams =)
September 16th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Nobody goes to that restaurant any more. It’s too crowded.
-Yogi Berra
September 16th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Nice! Makes me wonder if Columbus could have been Emperor of America….
September 16th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Brian: I can’t imagine that going down too well these days
September 17th, 2007 at 2:36 am
My favorite is :
“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.”
Clifton Fadiman
September 17th, 2007 at 2:55 am
Andre: I like that!
September 17th, 2007 at 7:51 am
Here’s a good one..
“the West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do.”
———-
Samuel P. Huntington
September 17th, 2007 at 11:07 am
hehe Churchill was a funny guy.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:43 am
My favorite quote of all time:
“A single death is a tragedy… a million deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin
September 17th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I think it was WC Field but how about-
“I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.”
September 17th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Imagine you are a member of Congress. Now imagine you are an idiot…but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Fe…spot on! always loved that quote. so true even today.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
“Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.” — Robert A. Heinlein
September 17th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
Fe: hilarious!
Bonnie_: ah Heinlein – the master!
September 18th, 2007 at 12:10 am
“Never try and teach a pig to sing: it’s a waste of time, and it annoys the pig.” –Lazarus Long, “Time Enough for Love”, (Robert A. Heinlein)
“No! You’re NOT entitled to your own opinion. You’re entitled to your own INFORMED opinion.” –Harlan Ellison
“Life is just one damned thing after another.” –Elbert Hubbard
“Very funny, Mr. Scott. Now beam down my clothes.” –Jame T. Kirk
Okay, okay … that third was wasn’t really a quote. But it should have been.
September 18th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
The Welles quote wasn’t actually him saying that, it was his character from the movie The Third Man, in the ferris wheel scene.
Great list though.
September 19th, 2007 at 6:30 am
“Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”
— Hunter S. Thompson
September 19th, 2007 at 8:23 am
tom: excellent quote
September 21st, 2007 at 9:10 am
Oscar Wilde: There is only one thing worse that being talked about, that’s not being talked about.
September 21st, 2007 at 9:23 am
GKlug: I could do a whole list of just Wilde quotes – he was utterly brilliant.
October 7th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
You should make an Oscar Wilde list, given he was one of the funniest men who ever lived.
October 8th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Bacon – definitely – he was incredibly witty.
October 18th, 2007 at 2:11 am
“To be, or not to be… or something else!”
Svetislav Basara
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:07 pm
You’d have to consider yourself lucky if you make it out of life alive. Axel Rose.
November 15th, 2007 at 9:29 am
“It’s easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.” – Proverb
November 23rd, 2007 at 1:10 pm
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
–Tom Waits
November 23rd, 2007 at 4:31 pm
My fav quotes, wilde and austen were brilliant!
“A fashion is merely a form of uglines so unbearable that we are compelled to alter it every six months.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?”
~Jane Austen
November 25th, 2007 at 6:44 am
It may have already been said, but Stephen Fry one repeated a famous quote by Oscar Wilde when asked if he had anything to declare when he was stopped at an airport. He said ‘I have nothing to declare but my own genius!’
November 30th, 2007 at 7:38 am
My grandfather told me the story of a witty friend of his who was speaking in parliament in South Africa. He got fed up with the crowd and announced “Half of you are donkeys!!” to which the chairperson hastily insisted “Retract your statement sir! RETRACT!”, to which he replied, “Half of you are NOT donkeys.”
December 4th, 2007 at 7:47 am
“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria” – Ben Franklin
December 9th, 2007 at 11:01 am
“There are always Eskimos ready to work out the guidelines for Congo inhabitants on how to act in case of the extreme heatwave” – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec.
If you don’t find it witty enough that’s probably due to my poor translation (there are many other quotes of Lec easily available in English but, sadly, not this particular one).
December 18th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
“what’s mine is mine whats yours is negotiable”
JFK
December 22nd, 2007 at 7:46 am
“The first draft of everything is bullshit.”
Ernest Hemingway.
January 10th, 2008 at 7:07 am
nice.esp churchill!!
January 15th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
“I heard that your brain stops growing when you start doing drugs. Let’s see, I guess that makes me 19.”
– Steven Tyler
…yeah that should definitely be on here.
January 17th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I just love and hate Margaret Thatcher. we have this love and hate relationship. I love the woman, her guts and everything but on the other had, I hate the fact that I love her.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt…
-Mark Twain
January 31st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Polly: I somehow doubt that Mark Twain ever used the word “ain’t” although I suppose it’s possible.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
My favourite Oscar quote:
“True friends stab you in the front”
And for fun…
I don’t make predictions and I never will (Paul Gascoigne)
January 31st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
William Faulkner–“I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.”
February 5th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
“I’d like to learn a new language: Scottish. It’s a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with ‘you bastard’.” – Sean Meo
February 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
“If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” -Albert Einstein
and
“For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.”
- Bob Wells
February 10th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
this may be from a play, but i think it deserves recognition
A transvestite to a person harassing them: “I’m more of a man then you’ll ever be, and more of a woman then you’ll ever get.”
-Jonathan Larson
February 25th, 2008 at 10:57 am
“it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is”
-jason mraz
February 26th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. “
March 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I got a few I have in mind…
“The secret of being a boring is to say everything.” -Voltaire
“When the candles are out all women are fair.” -Plutarch
“My wife and I was happy happy for twenty years… and then we met!” -Rodney Dangerfield
“If I’m two faced, why I chose this one?” -Abraham Lincoln
“In court of dating, women are the judge and jury and we don’t even have an lawyer.” -Matthew
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
ok, lets start:
“Small is the number of people who see with their eyes and think with their minds.”
Albert Einstein
“To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge”
Benjamin Disraeli
“I’D prefer to die standing, than to live on my knees”
Che Guevara
“Ut olim vitiis, sic nunc legibus laboramus.”
(As we once suffered from our vices, we now suffer form our laws)
Tacitus
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows”
Epictetus
April 21st, 2008 at 9:46 am
One of my favorites…
“Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one.”
~Albert Einstein
April 29th, 2008 at 9:59 am
My favorite, from theoretical physicist Wolfgang Pauli, who was reviewing a student’s work: “This isn’t right. It’s not even wrong.”
June 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am
“Liberalism is when A gets together with B to discuss how much C should give to D.” -William F. Buckley
“Shall the fear of being misunderstood prevent our doing what is right and good?” -Moliere
“No people in history have ever survived, who thought they could protect their freedom by making themselves inoffensive to their enemies.” -Dean Acheson
“Socialism … confounds Government and society. And so, every time we object to a thing being done by Government, it concludes that we object to its being done at all.” -Frederic Bastiat
August 4th, 2008 at 7:10 am
No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. – Mark Twain
It is not the business of government to make men virtuous or religious, or to preserve the fool from the consequences of his own folly. Government should be repressive no further than is necessary to secure liberty by protecting the equal rights of each from aggression on the part of others, and the moment governmental prohibitions extend beyond this line they are in danger of defeating the very ends they are intended to serve. – Henry George
I believe that every individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruits of his labor, so far as it in no way interferes with any other men’s rights. – Abraham Lincoln
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. – P. J. O’Rourke
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. – P.J. O’Rourke
There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. – P.J. O’Rourke
August 16th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I like this one, however I can’t attribute it to any quote I’ve read or heard, maybe I’m the originator, “My modesty is world famous…” and a good tip, never jog your granny whilst shes shaving!, lastly, (a good riposte), “If I could do it all over again, I’d do it all over you”
August 16th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Said by one of my fares,(on the subject of alcoholism), “Alcoholism is when one drink is too many, and a hundred is not enough” – he was actually a regular punter of ours, an Irishman who himself had had a few too many, but quite an astute statement I thought.
August 16th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
One of my favourite quotes is by Oscar Wilde. “Try everything once, expect incest and morris dancing”. (For the stateside folks its an English dance in which a bunch of guys dance about waving hankies. This advice has always stood me in good stead.
August 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
When Mahatma Gandi was asked what he thought of Western civilization he replied “I think it would be a very good idea”
August 17th, 2008 at 6:40 am
One I always thought was quite funny:
No woman in my time will be prime minister or chancellor or foreign secretary – not the top jobs. Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be prime minister; you have to give yourself 100 percent.
– Margaret Thatcher
And even though it’s not a quote and I can’t remember who actually said the joke, I’ve always thought it was funny:
Waitress: [Thatcher is dining out with her Cabinet] Would you like to order, Madam?
Margaret Thatcher: Steak, please.
Waitress: How would you like it?
Margaret Thatcher: Raw
Waitress: And for the vegetables?
Margaret Thatcher: Oh? They’ll have the same as me…
August 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I’ll buy you a new car. ~Harvey Diamond
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. ~Samuel Butler, Note-Books, 1912
If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian. ~Paul McCartney
Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury a sheep, and nothing happens but decay. ~George Bernard Shaw
The beef industry has contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents combined. If beef is your idea of “real food for real people” you’d better live real close to a real good hospital. ~Neal Barnard
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. ~Lynda Montgomery
Animals are my friends… and I don’t eat my friends. ~George Bernard Shaw
I will not eat anything that walks, runs, skips, hops or crawls. God knows that I’ve crawled on occasion, and I’m glad that no one ate me. ~Alex Poulos
I won’t eat anything that has intelligent life, but I’d gladly eat a network executive or a politician. ~Marty Feldman
August 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
It took me almost a year to discover this site.
I don’t know how I missed it, but I am now on a mission to find more lost gems!
August 25th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Fonzie -
“For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three.” – Maddox
August 25th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
bucslim-
Very nice!
August 26th, 2008 at 5:27 am
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying” – Woody Allen
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 am
Christ is like a mountain of cheese – Salvador Dali.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:05 am
Somebody said:
“I’ll admit that I’m immature, but I’m mature enough to admit it.”
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:57 am
I worked in a professional film lab for almost five years, so there was always an abundance of very arty types coming and going (not to mention the people who worked there who were almost all on their way to somewhere else).
I kept a Quote of the Day on a dry-erase board, on masking tape, for the entire time I was there, eventually, everyone got involved, even some of the customers.
I’ve been threatening for years to publish the darned thing, but I’ll just give you one of *my* favorite quotes from the painter, Rothko:
Silence is so eloquent.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:28 am
“We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.”
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
“I have no idea. People who boast about their IQ are losers. (response given to question about his IQ)”
-stephen hawking
October 5th, 2008 at 8:17 am
“Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok!”
–Confucious
October 8th, 2008 at 5:24 am
“Man who puts cream in tart… not always baker”
October 11th, 2008 at 8:44 am
“Man who sleeps with itchy butt wakes with stinky finger”
October 11th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Man who drops watch in toilet has shitty time.
October 12th, 2008 at 5:26 am
love this list. i think you should do a list of quote and counter quotes like the churchil ones. there always funny
October 14th, 2008 at 8:23 am
“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp — or what’s a heaven for?” Robert Browning
October 14th, 2008 at 9:57 am
“Silence is so eloquent.” – Mark Rothko
October 14th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Natacha, (60),
The Margaret Thatcher vegetables was a ‘Spitting Image’ sketch, an all time favourite burned into my memory-bank. I can picture it still!
If not already:
“Include me out” – Sam Goldwyn
October 26th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
We don’t know who discovered water, but we know it wasn’t a fish.
You can’t make a baby in one month by making nine women pregnant.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
“most people dont live..they only exist”.
Oscar Wilde
December 1st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
79. OceanMan: “most people dont live..they only exist”. Oscar Wilde
****
There are two kinds of people:
Human Beings
and
Humans Doing
December 11th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
I said the SeaWorld quote that Fonzie published, and am an avid carnivore.
January 18th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
If God hadn’t intended for us to eat animals then why’d he make them out of meat? -unknown
January 18th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
47. hakuna matata That quote is from the movie “Car Wash”
February 19th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Never confuse movement with action. — Ernest Hemingway
I agree that Oscar Wilde was one of the most brilliant wits of all time.
March 1st, 2009 at 7:53 pm
“Walk softly, but carry a big stick” Theodore Roosevelt
“Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity” Henry David Thoreau
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
~Don Marquis~
March 6th, 2009 at 10:06 am
live life like you don’t give a damn – by v
March 6th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
“The Life Unexamined is NOT Worth Living.” credit given to both sometimes ~Socrates/Plato
March 17th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
“go, and never darken my towels again.”
“this morning i shot an elephant in my pajamas. how he got into my pajamas i’ll never know.”
- groucho marx.
wow, that douglas adams was a handsome bastard.
May 17th, 2009 at 10:08 am
“”When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
None other then Mr. Mark Twain.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:48 am
“there are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
Oscar Wilde
July 24th, 2009 at 7:14 am
“If it means enough to you, you’ll do what ever it takes to get it. If it don’t, you won’t.”
My dad. He WAS a pretty smart man after all! LOL!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
What was meant by “I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.?”
August 10th, 2009 at 11:47 am
These don’t seem brilliant, just witty or clever. Of course, from my point of view, you have to be brilliant to be witty or clever.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:50 am
THE PROBLEM WITH LEADERS IS THAT THEY DO NOT FEAR GOD
September 24th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
“For heaven be thanked we live in such an age when no man dies for love but on the stage”. Can’t recall who said it. Was it voltaire?
September 24th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“Where a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in confederacy against him” ( A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole)
October 6th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog” Mark Twain
Ian Brown also used this as a lyric – I think it’s brilliant.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:15 am
“Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.”
October 7th, 2009 at 9:54 am
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to wood. Any questions?
October 7th, 2009 at 9:59 am
This is my favourite Oscar Wilde quote – hos defence after being arrested and brought to court for “indecent exposure”: If we were meant to be nude, we would have been born that way.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:16 am
The early bird gets the worm…so the early worm gets eaten.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:24 am
From a friend of mine;
“Never argue with a fool, from a distance no-one can tell the difference.”