9 Lamest James Bond Villains
Published on April 17, 2008 - 54 Comments
A week ago we published a list of the best Bond villains; this list is designed to complement it. Here we see the 9 Bond villains that were the best at being useless.
What happens when you take a French actor and cast him as a prissy Afghan prince/circus patron who lives in India and speaks English? On the whole, Octopussy wasn’t a bad film (with a title like that, how could it be?). But there’s no way we can take this guy seriously, no matter how many loose nukes he’s got up his sleeve. Next…
Kurt Jurgens was awesome as the conflicted U-boat captain opposite Robert Mitchum in The Enemy Below, one of the greatest WWII films ever made. So what happened here? Well, he got old. And he got fat. The result? A tired, wheezing, here-for-the-paycheck old fart who barely gets out of his chair for the whole movie.
Not a bad movie, especially considering the political climate of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. So why cast a pudgy, loutish Joe Don Baker as an unlikely international arms dealer? Baker could Walk Tall, but he was totally coming up short here.
This guy actually had potential: a capable actor (Robert Carlyle) with a grievous head injury that makes him feel no pain. Sounds cool, right? But it turns out he’s incurably whipped, meekly submitting to every whim of his one-eared girlfriend. Shame…
In the original Thunderball, Adolfo Celi made a pretty cool badguy with his eyepatch and wicked tan. Not so in the remake. Here we’re asked to endure a shrill, effeminate playboy in the form of Klaus Maria Brandauer. How did he get Kim Basinger? Must be the boat.
Sometimes a particular character can elicit the almost overwhelming desire to hurl a brick through your television screen. Graves is just such a character. He looks more like a member of the Harvard Rowing Team than a power-mad, formerly-North Korean supervillain. No offense, Harvard Rowing Team.
Milquetoast media moguls seldom make very intimidating nemeses. Despite the cool stealth boat and hulking German henchmen, it just wasn’t enough. Fortunately we’re spared an awkward and protracted final battle between two very mismatched foes (remember Cliffhanger?) when a giant drill mercifully relieves his, and our, suffering.
Rumor has it that Orson Welles was originally favored to play the heavy (no pun intended) in this Star Wars rip-off. Instead, French-English actor Michel Lonsdale plods around the screen with a facial expression that shifts back and forth between boredom and constipation. Somebody’s not getting enough space-fiber.
Never has a Bond character been so unbelievable and offensive as Herve Villechaize’s diminutive butler-henchman. Nevermind the fact that his name makes him sound like a wind-up toy, or that he’s subjected to every imaginable stature-related cliche. We must also sit uncomfortably through the single most ridiculous fight scene in Bond history, watching Roger Moore chase poor Herve around the room with a chair before stuffing him into a suitcase.
Contributor: Tequila Mockingbird
Related ListsTop 10 Badass James Bond VillainsTop 10 James Bond Movies Top 10 Badass Movie Characters Top 10 Movie Clichés |
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1. dangorironhide - April 17th, 2008 at 5:58 am
Hahaha Nick-Nack was awesome! Who doesn’t love a little guy like that?
See also: Mini-me
2. Mac - April 17th, 2008 at 6:15 am
Wow, with roles like that, is it any wonder that Herve Villechaize killed himself? He was (marginally) better served in Fantasy Island.
3. bucslim - April 17th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Too bad Robert Carlyle couldn’t act like Francis Begby from Trainspotting. The only motivation Begby would need is if Bond spilled his pint on him at the pub. What a friggen maniac!
4. stugy - April 17th, 2008 at 6:30 am
This list is so much better than the list of badass bond villians. It’s a shame the Pierce Brosnon got stuck with such lame badguys, he could have made some really good Bond flicks.
5. Mark - April 17th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Little men in suits make terrible villians.
How could anyone take Nick-Nack seriously?
6. Columbo - April 17th, 2008 at 6:31 am
John Doe Baker returned in Goldeneye as a different character.
He was boring in that movie too.
7. Bob - April 17th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Ugh, I can hardly remember most of these guys, and thank goodness. The Bond movies are often good in a different way than the books, but never as good as (much less better than) the books.
8. Sharki - April 17th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I completely agree with number 6, Renard was the biggest wasted oppertunity in the Bond franchise he could have been a great villian, a true match for Bond. Instead he played second fiddle to his girl friend.
But I disagree with number 3. I thought Elliot Carver made an interesting villian and was a nice change of pace from the standard “take over the world” bad guy.
9. goof_ball - April 17th, 2008 at 7:30 am
whats up with all the james bond lists?
10. DiscHuker - April 17th, 2008 at 7:41 am
lol at nick-nack. i wonder if it is offensive to little people to have an on screen role-model stuffed into a suitcase.
but i guess they had to ride the wave of fantasy island and get herve while they still could.
11. carpe_noctem - April 17th, 2008 at 7:55 am
The first bond movie i ever saw was Goldeneye, and it wasn’t until qutie a few years later that i decided to see what was in the archives of the Bond villains, and in all honesty, they had the formula so much better in the old days. Daniel Craig’s Bond was a return to form, Le Chiffre was genuinely creepy, but Tomorrow Never Dies seemed to realise near the end that they needed a better villain so they decided to make Bond battle Mr Stamper instead, and oh god, who the hell could be scared of Gustav Graves? Watching him start speaking Korean most of the cinema started laughing. And I fully agree about Reynard, he could’ve been great, he had virtually no morals and for all intents and purposes was unstoppable, but then they decided to make him an absolute pansy… Plus, how the hell did he end up dying, he just kinda keeled over half way through the fight…
12. Phillies - April 17th, 2008 at 8:26 am
The James Bond movies are meant to entertain, by whatever means necessary.
The fight with Nick-Nack had my laughin hysterically.
Therefore, mission accomplished!
13. Nelia - April 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Robert Carlyle is a badass… It must have taken a lot of effort to make him quite that lame. Making him a big softy for the girl? Not so much a good idea.
14. jfrater - April 17th, 2008 at 9:21 am
goof_ball: there are 3 James Bond lists out of 596 lists. Hardly a cause for alarm at the excess surely?
15. Dave’s Kicking Game - April 17th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Gustav Graves had plastic surgery.. thats why he looks like a pretty boy.. duh.
16. Balthazar - April 17th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Was this a list for Henchmen or Villains? Not clear on that.
Nick Nack as you correctly stated was a henchman so why is he in the list of Bond villains. Elliot Carver was a great bond villain with the ability to place fear in his victims without lifting a finger and sociopathic mental state. This is simply a different type of villain to adhere to the changing times. Renard was another great bond villain who not like the others were villains out of choice for him he did not have a choice it was a need to be for him to gain revenge on those that gave him a clock on his life. His abiltiy not to feel pain added to the mystery that was an enigma of his character a pshycopath who was in love with his woman. You obviously did not get the idea of his inabilty to feel physical pain but emotional pain.
In conclusion a very mediocre list. Not well researched and unfounded.
17. albert0 - April 17th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Yeah- but he also somehow manages to turn into a world famous tycoon, and change his character completely in a short amount of time. Let alone the fact that nobody realises that he has sprang out from nowhere, including MI6!!! It just dosent make sense!
18. Blogball - April 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
jfrater, I bet you have the 600th list already completed and ready to go.
19. BrotherMan - April 17th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Kamal Khan…ha ha ha!
The actor also played the evil scientist in Swamp Thing…if anyone even remembers that movie from the 80’s.
Yes, I am showing my dorky side once again.
20. AlyshiaH - April 17th, 2008 at 10:57 am
So i have only ever seen one bond movie. Casino Royal. But my hubby has seen them all. He said that this list is well put together, but he would have put 6 at 10 and 10 at 6.
21. Iâran - April 17th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I was guessing Whisper (from “Live and let Die”) at no. 1, but yeah, he’s a henchman, not a villain…
22. Csimmons - April 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Ahhhhhhh! So many bad villains! awesome list though.
“No offense Harvard Rowing team.” LMAO!
23. Bob - April 17th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Balt, I think “Bond baddies” may have been a better title?
24. Borka - April 17th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I always tought Renard had rly good potential to be real MF,to bad he was slave of that chick Elektra !
25. Angelina - April 17th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Nice list! I always wondered how they got around the censor issue with Octupussy???
Brotherman: Your taste in cheesy B-movies is eerily similar to mine. I loved The Swamp Thing!! I already know we feel the same about The Beastmaster.
But, have you seen the awesomely bad “Frogs”? Sam Elliot at his not so best.
26. goof_ball - April 17th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
jfrater: it just seemed that there were a few james bod lists lately. i donno, maybe it was just me? lol =)
27. goof_ball - April 17th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
*bond*
28. Grumpus - April 17th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
carpe-noctem- Keeled over halfway through the fight? Reynard had a torpedo/rocket thingy driven through his chest. BTW, he wasn’t unstoppable b/c he couldn’t feel pain…he could be killed as easily as anyone else. Ergo, he was lame from the beginning. Since we’re including henchmen, the two gay hitmen from Diamonds Are Forever have to be the stupidest addition to the Bond franchise ever (other than BMW). I don’t care that they are gay, but they need to make up their mind if they are going to kill Bond or make out.
29. j_teether - April 17th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Maximilian Largo doesn’t really count in my book as that was not an official Bond film.
30. jfrater - April 18th, 2008 at 1:36 am
j_teether: picky picky
31. Flock O’Seagulls - April 18th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
If Nick Nack (who was merely the toadie of Scarmanga) can be included, Whisper is eligible as well. Next to Herve’s character (which I agree is the all-time lamest) should be the duo of Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint from Diamonds Are Forever.
32. j_teether - April 18th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I agree with Flock O’ Seagulls.Wint and Kidd always creep me out…
33. Sky - April 19th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
At least Wint and Kidd were capable of creeping you out, most of the villains in this list were less than capable of even doing that.
Also Wint and Kidd were at least a viable counterpoint to Mr. Bond’s overt heterosexuality and coolness.
“I was just out walking my rat and seem to have lost my way…”
34. Jaws - April 19th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
You are being too kind with Karl Stromberg, he is by far the lamest bond villain ever, for the reasons you stated.
When he had Amasova tied on the sofa, the most frightening thing he looked like he was going to do was take her name literally and sit on her.
35. Siggie - April 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
To set the record straight on two things about “The World Is Not Enough”. Renard as Balthazar states “for him he did not have a choice it was a need to be for him to gain revenge on those that gave him a clock on his life”. Renard was a bad guy before the Double 0 (I don’t remember which one)MI6 agent put a bullet through his head. Thats why they did shot him. If you watch & listen to the movie they give a resume of his criminal career before the shooting (after the funeral scene). I liked Renard as a bad guy. There was alot of pathos to his character that made him IMHO unique among Bond bad guys. Anyway Robert Carlyle Rocks!
I would also like to respond to Borka. You are calling Sophie Marceau a “chick”? Oh please! I think not! I thought the character of Elektra King was great! She was just pure evil wrapped in a very pretty package. I thought Marceau was masterful in the role.
The only problem with “TWINE” is (and maybe this requires a new list) that Denise Richards stunk as a “Bond Girl”.
36. Nick - June 4th, 2008 at 1:49 am
Oh please ! Largo (great acting by Brandauer), Carver (excellent Rupert Murdoch impersonation) and Graves (really creepy) were great ! So was Stromberg, who was my first introduction to the Bond villain idea.
37. Richard - June 4th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Bond movies are like Doctor Who. Remedial and insipid. Any mouth-breather that watches either of them should be taken out to a field and have several hundred bullets inserted into them.
38. Cyber Demon - June 4th, 2008 at 8:23 am
@ #37 Richard,
You sound like either a sociopath or a psychopath. “Mouth-breather”? Yikes. At your earliest convenience you should seek out professional mental health associates to help you out with your seriously sick mind, good luck.
@ the list, it’s entirely ludicrous and not really backed up with any type of logic or facts, as it stands it’s entirely subjective. Most of those villains were good or great. Also an important thing to keep in mind regarding Bond villains, they’re SUPPOSED to be over the top, as the films by their very nature are wild flights of fancy that require suspension of disbelief, so to chastise them for doing what they’re supposed to is a rather foolish notion to begin with.
Regarding Nick Nack, he died an untimely death under tragic circumstances, so I think it’s best to leave that one alone, not to mention it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead in general.
39. Bond girl - June 4th, 2008 at 9:02 am
If Die Another Day had been a better movie all around, Gustav Graves would be getting a little more respect. Of course, I love Toby Stephens in anything and everything, but that’s beside the point.
40. sparkyz - June 4th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Okay, Jonathan Pryce- check. Looked like he was going to burst into tears at any given moment. But Klaus Maria Brandauer on the list? Michel Lonsdale?
No Christopher Walken? No Sean ‘For England, James’ Bean?
And Nik Nak but not Grace Jones? Grace Jones, a supposed killer who managed to lose her murderous mojo after ending up in the sack with Roger Moore.
Revise.
41. themediaman - June 4th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Worst thing about Brad Whitaker (#7) was that the actor (Joe Don Baker) played the helpful American in Goldeneye. It takes something away from the series to see the same face playing two difference characters.
42. victor bond - June 4th, 2008 at 10:40 am
The Telly Savalas and Charles Gray incarnations of Blofeld were pretty dire too.
43. Domino - June 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Agree with you on almost all of the week villians in the Bond Universe. However have to disagree with you on Renard. Yes, he was whipped, but so was Bond, who was too blind to see what a bitch Electra King was. That was pretty much her power, wasn’t it? For a one eared woman, she managed to do some major damage, didn’t she?
44. jaws - June 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I disagree about kahn and Drax, but all the others are very accurate (and hillarious!)
It totally proves the point that the Bond films during the Brosnan era were the worst.
What a shitty bond he was…
I hope Craig wonwt fail and put the series on track again.
45. Phasmatrope - June 4th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I gotta disagree w/ #3 too, Jonathan Pryce. Yeah, maybe not the most subtle characterization (while I’m sure that these media moguls like Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, and William Randolph Hearst are not/were not always the most moral guys, were they ever so blatantly psychotic??), but I found the idea a fresh and up-to-date with the times (more so than just having some super-hacker who can easily convince jet fighters to open fire on civilian vehicles, like the last “Die Hard” did… geez). And the same goes for whoever said Sean Bean was a weak choice for “Goldeneye.” Sure, the guy may play villainous characters practically every other role, and his motivation could’ve been a little better, but what better villain to match wits with and give more insight into the inner-workings of MI6 than a former partner/disgruntled agent?? Still, you gotta admit, it’s NO easy task creating a good foil for James Bond–he’s already so unflappable, witty, and suave, how can any of them really manage to get his goat?? (when they’re inevitably going to killed off at the end of the film anyway…).
46. Orion Randy - June 4th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Hugo Drax is probably the dumbest villain ever, Bond or otherwise. He wants to kill everyone on Earth and repopulate the planet with his supermodel henchmen and henchwomen. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that if his plan had succeeded, those supermodels would have soon turned on him being an ugly little toad. Jaws was at least smart enough to realize that.
47. Domino - June 4th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Brosnan the worst? Hate to disagree with you, but I thought that Timothy Dalton was the worst of the Bonds (Almost beating Roger Moore, who overstayed his welcome as Bond).
48. fairportfan - June 4th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Dalton’s first film was great; the second had a script that sucked dead moose.
Through a straw.
As to “Moonraker” being a “Star Wars” rip off - it’s actually a ripoff (the last half is almost a shot for shot remake in the same Rio locations) of a cheesy (and very funny) Italian spy parody from the 70s, “Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die”. Raf Vallone was much better as the villain, and Mike Connors and Dorothy Provine (as the US and Brit agents), along with Terry-Thomas as Provine’s chauffeur, were much better than Moore and what’s-her-face…
49. Bond girl - June 5th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Timothy Dalton was NOT the worst Bond - he was the closest to Ian Fleming’s literary creation. Read the source material before making such wild allegations. Roger Moore was by far the worst Bond, hands down, case closed. He literally turned Bond into a clown - remember the end of “Octopussy”?
50. I LUV BOND - June 5th, 2008 at 11:45 am
OK, I disagree with Renard. I thought Renard was an excellent character! His inability to feel pain made the character more sinister, although I think it was Robert Carlyle that made the character work. Elektra King is my ultimate favourite villainess (followed by Xenia Onatopp and May Day), I thought King was just great. A beautiful actress who played the pure evil woman extremely well.
I also dont see the problem with Christmas Jones! She’s only getting bad publicity because the girls are jealous of her breasts. She was a great ally in my opinion.
AND, whoever just said Pierce Brosnans were shitty, I totally agree. Timothy Dalton.. I mean, wtf was all that about.
All in all, i think this list is ridiculous. For one thing, there are HENCHMEN on the list.
Secondly, Renard and Elliot Carver belong on the “Bad-Ass Villains” along with Elektra King. Well, no, elektra instead of Renard possibly.
51. I LUV BOND - June 5th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Oops, i meant i totally DISAGREE with whoever said Pierce Brosnans films were shitty.
52. Slammerworm - July 26th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Oddjob (Goldfinger, 1964) When he’s thrown his hat you can make your play, because he’s weaponless and a tad ungainly besides.
Vargas (Thunderball, 1965) Looks uncannily like a Warhol ‘Factory’ hanger-on and about as menacing. If he hasn’t got a weapon, a sock on the jaw will most likely fell him.
Tee Hee (LALD, 1973) Simply avoid his big, clunky metal arm, then trip him up and finish him off, because otherwise he doesn’t quite look to be in tip-top shape.
Nick Nack (TMWTGG, 1974) Imagine Oddjob shrunk down and made into an obnoxious little wind-up jerk. So easy to best, it would be cruel to do so.
Jaws (TSWLM, 1977; Moonraker, 1979) The bigger they are, the easier they are to target. Can’t run very well, so if you can, you’re set. Break into a brisk trot and fire at will.