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Crime

10 Truly Ridiculous Criminal Acts

FlameHorse . . . Comments

Back in our first year of existence, we published a list of the most stupid thieves. Nearly three years to the day later, we have a second similar list – the most ridiculous criminal acts. We are certain you will love it – most especially item 1. If you ever decide to venture into a life of crime, let these entries be lessons to you.

10

Not Lion About Any of These

African-Lion-Closeup

This one won a Darwin Award in 1989. Direct from Melbourne, Australia, a 24-year-old black belt in Chinese Kung Fu, on receiving his 1st degree, was pumped up by his instructor with the brilliant knowledge that he could now overpower and kill a wild animal with his bare hands.

He immediately put the Lord his God to the test, as it were, by driving to the Melbourne zoo, sneaking in after dark and jumping into the lion exhibit. Not that the lions couldn’t have taken him one-on-one, but they saw no need to fight fair. All the police and zookeepers found in the morning were his hands, clenched with red fur in them.

This qualifies as a crime, since it is illegal to trespass in a zoo after closing time, and besides this, the lions had to be retrained not to attack humans, as they now had a taste for human flesh.

9

Read the Signs

Surveillance-Cameras-600

On 29 July 2007, two burglars thought the prime target in North Richland Hills, Texas, would be a store that sells personal home-defense security systems and accessories. In their defense, they managed to stuff over $10,000 worth of surveillance equipment, mostly security cameras and house alarms, into a couple of trash cans in only 1 minute and 15 seconds. All while being recorded by 17 security cameras of the same make and model as the ones they were stealing. There were no less than 12 warning signs across the front of the store advising criminals that, among other things, “someone besides Jesus is watching you, and neither that someone nor Jesus is going to be happy if you break the law.”

There was at least one very good vantage point of their getaway car, including the license plate, which was not stolen, but registered in one of their names. The police tracked them down to one of their homes two days later, a Monday, because on Sunday, the day after their robbery, the police were hampered by too many car accidents to rush the investigation. They still pled “not guilty.”


8

Barney Fife Was a Rocket Scientist

Policemen

On 17 August, 1981, Miss Terry Johnson of Chicago was woken at about 2:30 in the morning by two men wearing police uniforms, complete with badges, utility belts, handguns, cuffs and hats. Their nameplates read Tyrone Pickens and Stephen Webster, and Miss Johnson stated later that she was more bewildered than scared. She thought either that these men had stolen the uniforms, or were policemen who thought she was a thief, and were confiscating the stolen property before arresting her.

She waited for them to leave, then wrote down their badge numbers, names, and the number of their police car, and found out by the end of the day that the uniforms were real, and belonged to the two men. They had used police equipment to break into her home, robbed her with their uniforms on, while on duty, and not fled the city afterward. The men pictured above are NOT the criminals named in this entry.

7

Don’t Trust Those You Rob

56050948

In February 2006, a New Zealand shoplifter named Amy Adams returned within a day to the butcher shop she had robbed, because she saw her picture on a local TV news station stating that she had won a lottery and had to appear in person to claim her prize. So she rapidly drove back to the shop, announced her name, pointed herself out in a still photo from a surveillance video, and was promptly handcuffed by undercover policemen. She still denied having broken any law, all the way through court, until the judge explained that she was guilty and had no hope of convincing anyone to the contrary. She then pled guilty, and still claimed she was innocent.


6

Wrong Move Wrong Time

Car-Thief 0

In this lister’s hometown of Raleigh, NC, on 11 December 2007, someone was stabbed multiple times in an intersection, and 10 police officers responded to the scene. While they were there, in the middle of the day, Anthony William, not the stabber, decided that the traffic jam at the intersection made for some ripe vehicles to steal. He waited for a woman to get out of her car, then walked right up, jumped into it and tried to drive away. Every policeman in the world came down on top of him, one of them even banging on the car hood and shouting to get out. This officer was less than 15 feet away from him and watching him the whole time when he committed the theft.

When he insisted on driving away, they all memorized his license plate and let him go, to avoid a dangerous pursuit. He was picked up in Virginia, when he tried to sell it to a used car dealer.

5

SILENCE! I kill you!

600X400 Gallery Sc Movie Theater 1

In early 1994, an Islamic terrorist organization in Jordan ordered violent reprisals against all Jordanian stores that sold either videos or liquor. This meant bombing such stores. On 1 February, Eid Saleh al-Jahaleen, 31 years old, accepted $50 in U. S. currency to plant a bomb in a Turkish movie theater, in Zarqa. He entered and discovered that the theater was showing Turkish pornography. He had never seen anything of the sort, and was immediately fascinated.

He stowed his bomb under a seat in the center of the theater, as instructed, then sat down in the same seat and watched the show. 10 minutes later, the bomb blew off both his legs and his testicles. His penis was relatively unscathed, since it was safely inside his right hand. He mercifully bled to death in the aisle.


4

My Kingdom for a Blackbeard

Somali Pirate Skff

On 1 April, 2010, Somali pirates deliberately attacked the USS Nicholas (FFG-47). These Somali pirates are primarily armed with AKMs (AK-47 upgrades), RPGs, pistols and grenades. The USS Nicholas, a guided missile frigate, is armed with 40 Harpoon anti-ship missiles, one Otobreda, 3-inch artillery rifle that fires 120 rounds per minute, 2 triple-tube torpedo launchers, 4 .50 caliber machine guns, and one 20mm computer-automated Vulcan gatling cannon that fires 4,500 rounds per minute.

Assuming the pirates simply failed to notice the Nicholas’s massive armament, they might have considered the standard U. S. Navy steel-gray paint, and its 453-foot length, as somewhat different from the private yachts on which pirates prefer to prey. But, alas, it was not to be. The Somali pirates opened fire with their small arms. The sailors on board the Nicholas ran to general quarters, the Vulcan cannon shot down three of the four rocket-propelled grenades, and sailors manning one of the .50 caliber machine guns disabled the pirate skiff. The grenade that made it through the hail of cannonfire, struck a bulkhead of the frigate’s superstructure and dented it. The 3 pirates on board surrendered, and then the Nicholas sighted their mothership, an ex-shrimping schooner converted into an armed trawler of sorts. This ship simply turned and fled, but was overtaken and two more pirates were captured.

The bulkhead dent was hammered out and repainted.

3

Filming Your Own Crime

Abu-Ghraib-Graner14Jan05

Not all idiotic criminal acts are funny. The Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse scandal of 2004 resulted in a, nearly worldwide, condemnation of the United States (not that the United States was particularly popular before then) for “sinking to the terrorists’ level,” as it were. The primary guilty person was Specialist Charles Graner, the ringleader who incited numerous other guards to torture and humiliate prisoners, or at least look the other way.

What makes these criminals acts truly idiotic is that the perpetrators filmed themselves committing them, with cell phone videos and photos. They collected the evidence that would have convicted them in any court of law on the planet. Others responsible were PFC Lynndie England, Staff Sergeant Ivan Frederick, Sergeant Javal Davis, and soldiers with ranks up to Lt. Colonel and Colonel. Iraq was, at the time, utterly anarchic, even more so than it is now, in 2010, and the guilty persons were under the impression, both that their crimes would not be noticed, and that no one would care.


2

Wrong Item to Steal

Monalisa

On 22 August, 1911, Vincenzo Peruggia hid in a janitor’s closet in the Louvre, in Paris, France, waited until well after the museum had closed, and then walked out with the Mona Lisa hidden under his coat. His motive was multifold. He was Italian, and so is the painting and its painter, and he wanted it returned to an Italian museum. That might have been construed as selflessly patriotic, except that he didn’t just give it to an Italian museum. He tried to sell it to one: the Uffizi Art Gallery in Florence. He also intended to make some money through a friend who would sell replicas, because with the real one out there somewhere, replica buyers would play the lottery, as it were, trying to buy the real one for cheap. The problem with all of this is that you can’t exactly resell the real Mona Lisa.

The Uffizi curators somehow discovered that it must have come from the Louvre, since, after all, there’s ONLY ONE Mona Lisa and the Louvre is well known for housing it, in which case, the Louvre was not likely to have sold it to one of its part-time employees. Must be a thief in their midst. He was arrested on the spot. Nevertheless, Peruggia was hailed as a hero throughout Italy, as he had hoped, and only served 6 months in prison.

1

Wrong Person to Mug

Chuck-Norris

If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is, what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that. It happened in 1994. Norris mentions this whole thing in his autobiography, “Against All Odds.” And, by his testimony, this is what happened. Honest to God, it really happened.

In 1994, right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.

They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!”

Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?”

“No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!”

Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do.

Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns. From a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach. What happened next was rather anti-climactic.

The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!”

One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!”



  • albert

    this is sure a funny read!!! thx!!

  • Amin

    how dumb can they be??

  • Jael

    Number One proves very well that you don't f**k with the Chuck.

  • chucknorris

    don't fuk with chuck norris

  • maya

    :))))))))))) number 1 was hilarious :D awsome list!!!

  • Kimani

    This list is great.
    #1 is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
    Question. Why would Chuck Norris need bodyguards? He is more qualified and more dangerous than any he could hire. If he has some, its him who is their bodyguard, imagine how safe they feel.

    • I think Mr. Norris might like bodyguards in case he gets bored walking around town.

  • i wish that no. 1 would be caught on camera!

  • Kirk

    number 1 is pure fail and win at the same time

  • KabirBhai

    Laughed like hell. Fell down from th chair (no exaggeration, i am ready to enter th royal bengal tiger’s den). Felt sorry fr that jordan guy in th theatre but still did not stop laughing. Midway, read about charles Graner and Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse case and realised that even people with high IQ can be assholes. But still, started laughing with th next one. Am still on th ground, trying to get up after falling down from th chair. Why attack Chuck Norris? And if attacking him, atleast have a gun. This list made my day:-)…

    LISTVERSE: MY ONLY RESPITE FROM THE DRUDGERY OF WORK AND FAMILY…

  • necropenguin

    love that chuck norris story!

  • This weeks lists have been amazing . This is the cherry on top . They are all hilarious ( except the POW torture no punchline really) but no.;1 is fucking classic!!!!!!! I never actually realized how accomplished Chuck Norris was . That guy is seriously cool.

  • Heh heh great list! Has anyone tried this?—-> type 'google chuck norris' in the google search bar and then click I'm feeling lucky..heh heh try it

    • Hilarious, Geronimo! Thanks for the tip!

    • HAHAHA!! Asif, that was awesome. Thanks!!

    • Thats absolutely briliant!

  • BRIK

    HA!

  • WillMcIntyre

    Haha, #1 is more of a win than a fail. Awesome list

  • fallen angel

    Okay #1 is PRICELESS!

  • moi

    roflmao! i especially enjoyed the amy adams one! what an idiot! anyway i too thought all that chuck norris stuff was fake. Guess not!

  • This is a brilliant list- a great one for a Friday. Can't believe how idiotic some people can be!

    This has been one of the best weeks of listverse in ages and I thank you!

  • Wow what a great an intresting list.Been waiting for an intresting in ages thanks.

  • Great list. Number 1 is hilarious! Criminals are such idiots.

  • Arsnl

    “relatively unscathed, since it was safely inside his right hand” since it blew off both off hos legs i doubt that his hand would have resisted the explosion.
    “Others responsible were PFC Lynndie England”. This reminds me of the BP/british petroleum scandal. Why didnt they say she was english ergo not us’s problem then the brits should have said stop calling her england

    • eMpTy

      her last name is england

      • Arsnl

        Obviously its her last name. I was just trying to make a connection to the bp scandal when people were shouting that this british firm did all the mess when its kind of obvious that is also american.

        • alpenstocks

          Your completely incoherent. Are you 7?

          • Marian

            HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, sorry.

  • 1gav

    The Chuck Norris shit LOOKS fake because he doesn’t want to mutilate his fellow actors (though I use the word “actor” loosely). It’s got to be hard work to be as great as he is and to avoid contact- and knowing the other actors aren’t even remotely as skilled as he is, he tends to hold back a bit too much.

    • ZedroZ

      I would imagine that being that proficient at martial arts would require a great amount of self discipline. Not to mention that the majority of martial arts require various types of contact (obviously only in training). Light contact, medium contact and sometimes no contact at all.

      Nevertheless, Chuck Norris is THE MAN!
      The no.1 story had me in stitches! !

  • coolidge

    An Islamic terrorist organisation ? Now, that's an oxymoron if you ever seen one. Why is it that some people, including you Flamehorse, take for granted that the violent ways of these organisations must assuredly be reflective of Islam simply because they claimed religious sanction ?

    For your info, the Quran is explicit when it says that to kill an innocent human being is like killing the whole of humanity and to save an innocent life is like saving the whole of humankind. Indeed, if a person even killed an animal which he has no good reason to kill, he will be answerable before God.

    Don't trust me ? Just open and read a good translation of the Quran.

    • If these groups are attacking people because of their interpretation of the Quran (which, in addition to the passages you mention above, also advocates enslaving or murdering those who refuse to convert to Islam), and if all of the members of these groups practice Islam, and if the groups declare themselves to be Islamic, then these groups are Islamic. If they are using violence against businesses which conflict with Islamic teaching, then they are terrorists. So how in fuck is it an oxymoron to call them "Islamic terrorist organisations"?
      FlameHorse never once said that these actions were "reflective of Islam". If you state otherwise then you are either a reactionary or a liar.
      Get a fucking grip on yourself and accept the fact that being a Muslim does not preclude someone from commiting an evil act.

    • peezy

      The Quran may say that but based on whos understanding or interpretation of innocence? One can argue that by simply refusing to convert to Islam you are no longer innocent. It is a responsibilty of a religious group to publicly reject those who misinterpret the scriptures and use it to do harm to others. Until the Islamic community comes out and begins to reject acts of terrorism, the world will continue to percieve it as an extreme religious group. The Islamic communit allows terrorists to do the talking for them.

      • Elemarth

        No. The Muslim community DOES condemn terrorism. They do NOT allow the terrorists to do the talking for them. OUR prejudice FORCES the terrorists to do the talking for them.
        (I'm not yelling at you; I'm not sure if/how I can italicize here.)

    • Curly

      That still doesn't stop terrorists from saying they represent the true Islam, and fighting in its name and killing their fellow Muslims.

    • Elemarth

      Were the crusaders Christian? They sure thought they were, but going to war isn't very Christian, let alone murdering innocent Jews and Eastern Orthodox.
      What else can we call them? What do you suggest we call the terrorists?
      Please don't read into things: Flamehorse didn't even suggest that this was reflective of Islam.

    • redwolfblack

      why did you fuck up the string of good comments about chuck norris? you sir,fail.

  • Recently here in Australia a couple of idiots tried to assault 2 x Crossdressers for the sole reason they were obviously men in womens clothing. It turned out the "ladies" were actually a couple of cage fighters on their way to a fancy dress party and decided to walk to the do for a laugh. The CCTV showed the dickheads picking a fight and then getting flattened by a couple of swift belts to their heads. The police turned up laughing and piled the baddies into the paddy wagon. It was shown on TV and a pretty big hit on the net as well. Another good list Flamehorse.

  • Great list, really enjoyed this one.

    Chuck Norris FTW

  • Annonymous

    Entertaining list

  • rain

    chuck norris = badass

  • deleriumtremens

    Good, list. Nice reprieve from a gloomy workday.

    "There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist."

  • Mike

    Once while having sex in a tractor trailor, Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and found its way into the engine. We no know this truck as Optimus Prime

  • hybrid

    "Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding".

  • littlerabbit

    chuck norris well done but i'm waiting for any similar incident for my idol steven seagal.. hmmm.. lol

    • mrs. midwest

      steven seagal is a woman beater. choose a better idol.

  • Well, Chuck Norris surely show3ed those thugs were wrong! I remembered in Three Amigos when Marty Short was thought to be slow and the fastest gun was actually a tv terick, but he still fired the gun perfectly. haha, i wish i was like chuck!

  • That last entry should also make the Darwin awards! I just love dumb criminals. They crack me up.
    One of the best was a guy trying to steal money out of a vending machine. His bright idea was to spray paint the security camera lens. However, he forgot to cover his face when he hopped on a overturn trashcan to reach the camera. Smile!
    Cool list.

    • Arsnl

      Well those burglars dont respect the desert island rule. They are still able to procreate so no darwin award.

  • Oh, man! This list is da bomb, Flamehorse! Hilarious stories, well most of them. Number 5, 10 and 1 made me LOL… Number 2 was patriotic and idiotic…

    Who in their correct mind would consider wanting to attack Chuck Norris? Really wish there was filming of this "assault"! Lol!

  • Great list – we had a case here a while ago where 2 guys broke into a cops house and loaded their loot onto the back of a pickup.
    Back in the house they started sampling the good collection of the cops best brandy – and to cut a long story short, they were found fast asleep when the officer returned home.

    Thanks for the list !

  • One day, if I do become rich powerful and famous, I want Chuck Norris as my bodyguard… If he needs the job, anyway. He may even do it for the kicks! :-)

  • cmc75

    Chuck Norris is the LAST person you want to mug! Those two are very lucky they are still breathing! I get a big kick out of #10 – Not lion about any of these. All the cops found were two hands with bloody fur in the grip of them. That sounds like one hell of a confident 1st degree black belt. So, lets go celebrate this honor by taking on a pit of hungry lions!

  • oliveralbq-mobile

    i think youd have a better chance attacking a lion than a chuck-norris.

  • hilarious list (minus #3, thats just infuriating), i agree this weeks lists are on a rolll!!

    Also, I wonder if the Somali pirates attacked the US Naval ship simply because they, well… hated the US? it just seems EXTRA nonsensical for a little fishing boat full of seasoned pirates to knowingly go against a Goliath war ship and not expect to die or get caught.

    the porn explosion sounds fishy…did he have an iron cast hand or?…

    • It's a major flaw in Somali education that international ship's silhouette identification has lagged, badly. However, the haze gray paint job SHOULD have been a clue…

  • Tngolferguy

    Chuck Norris doesn't need bodyguards, bodyguards need Chuck Norris…

  • Hilarious list! One quibble: there is in fact more than one Mona Lisa, though of course the others are all copies. But, IIRC, the museum in St. Petersburg Russia still claims that their version is the original.

  • c man

    chuck =legend he is seriously the man

  • ciremelf

    One of the best lists in a while! great job.

    Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

  • calic

    number 1

    lol

  • This is the best list ever, ohh man, I must admit that I did not see the Chuck Norris thing coming at all, I am totally going to share this with EVERYONE.

  • Great list for a Friday! I realize Chuck Norris has done amazing things and worked really hard, but hearing his name always reminds me of Dodgeball. Lance Armstrong, too.

    "You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals? "

    Tee hee.

  • Tribol

    n1 its a classic, i knew he have some black belts but i didnt knew that he have 7, thats a lot of black belts, DO NOT MESS UP WITH CHUCK NORRIS

  • stillontheperch

    Utterly superb list. Possibly the best this year. I particularly "CHUCK"led at numbers 1 & 5.

    Well done!

    • Zeeshan

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  • jediknight

    I actually think the Mona Lisa should be returned to Italy and number 1 was hilarious

  • u forgot
    'wearing crocs in public'

  • Anyone else notice that in the "More top 10 lists" section at the bottom of each list, there are six links to Listverse lists and six links to mgid.com pages disguised as Listverse lists?

  • adi000

    "We figured all the stuff on TV was fake" Pure gold!

  • Pretty funny, Flame. Though I guess the comment section is going to turn into a Chuck Norris joke-a-thon now. Here, this will save everyone some time:
    http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-

    • Lifeschool

      Fantastic catch Maggot! Excellent site.

    • I'm gonna use all of these…

    • TEX

      yeah thanks – i'm sending this to my coworkers to brighten up their Friday

  • Lifeschool

    Very funny – LMAO!

    I too didn’t realise Chuck Norris was such a baaad-asss mother; pitty he isn’t used to his fullest on screen, except perhaps Way of the Dragon.

  • TEX

    Some ANAL PORE left a comment that it felt sorry for that piece of excrement in Jordan who went in to blow up a theater full of innocent people – you are the scum of the earth. I am willing you to have active, irreversible, prolonged, extremely painful pancreatic cancer as I write this – and with the knowledge that you will end up doing what the demon in the Exorcist told Father Karras his mother was doing.

  • enucleator

    Wow!!! Scientists, stop searching!! DArk energy is made of stupidity! No frontiers no limits, no brains, stupidity is everywhere, anywhere, anytime…. it's almost scary ;)
    Flamehorse, thanks, great list!
    hahahah ''…. that the crap on tv was fake"…. Of course, Chuck doesn't want to kill his buddies! Thats exactly why a lot of moves and blows are fake in wrestling, they are martial artists-entertainers, not killers!! :D

  • Lord Nick

    Chuck Norris is a million-th degree black belt in everything…and these guys tried to mug him!? Don't they know anything 'bout Mr. Norris? Like how he has to be sedated with 3x the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer before every filming of Walker Texas Ranger so the other actors won't get killed or how the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is a purer form of Chuck Norris!?

  • #5 I bet his orgasm was the bomb!

  • the crooks in number 1 learned a lesson everyone else already knew…. don't fuck with chuck norris. hes 70 years old (now), and i dont think anyone would try that today.

  • Number one was the best. Hahahaha.
    I feel like saying a Chuck Norris quote…

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

    :o)
    Sorry, I'm a CN quote dork.

  • Carmen

    I don't know if it's true, though I like to believe someone out there is truly that stupid, but I remember reading about a guy that tried to steal gas from a parking lot by using a hose and syphoning it out with his mouth but accidently tapped into the sewage line of an RV instead and got quite the mouthful. Gross!

    • TEX

      I remember the story – I checked it on snopes – they list it as an urban legend – but even they admit it's a damn good one!
      They don't deny it happened – there's no just no definitive article they can find – the story has appeared in different places at different times – thus urban legend

      • felipemlo

        In this awesome prttean of things you’ll secure an A with regard to hard work. Exactly where you lost everybody was on all the facts. As people say, details make or break the argument.. And it could not be more true in this article. Having said that, permit me inform you what did give good results. Your authoring is pretty engaging which is most likely the reason why I am making the effort in order to opine. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. 2nd, whilst I can notice a leaps in reasoning you make, I am not necessarily convinced of just how you seem to unite your points which in turn make the conclusion. For the moment I shall yield to your position however trust in the near future you link the dots better.

  • Nice list. If only Woyzeck could have reached these poor, misguided souls before they started down such a dark path, I could have taught them how to crime properly.

    • FlameHorse

      You said something nice about me.

      • Surely not! Not Woyzeck! You know I love you really, FlameHorse.

  • Equalizer

    Mr. Norris meet Mr Lion from Melbourne Zoo

    • FlameHorse

      You know there was a Walker episode where Chuck and his girl were lost in the woods and he got attacked by a grizzly bear. He threw some kicks, knees and punches at it, but it won. I think he wrote the episode and was being nice. Still the funniest thing I've ever seen.

  • Ah, Chuck Norris, the amazing villain and Bruce Lee's nemesis in Enter the Dragon. That last example of stupid criminality definitely and rightly deserved the number one spot.

  • danxxx

    sweet list love it #1 wins in so many ways.

  • picky2009

    best list in ages well done

  • FlameHorse

    Thanks to everyone who liked it, and because I'm a huge Chuck joke fan, here's one from me:

    Chuck Norris can disrupt a hurricane by roundhouse kicking it in the opposite direction.

    • _91_

      the whole list was cool, especially the one about chuck norris. doubt the would-be-muggers were ever charged. they suffered enough by being so stupid. and i think at the end (or towards the end) of the Walker episode you mentioned, he did kill the bear. also if you haven't i recommend reading his book "the justice riders."

    • heres another one from you flamehorse.
      maybe my favourite (cause it came out of nowhere)

      forum, 'corrupt a wish', 12april2010

      –booradley: "i wish i had my own baby giraffe".
      –flamehorse: "granted: chuck norris uppercuts a horse and gives it to you".

      classic.

      • Yes, very funny, FlameHorse, but not exactly what I was wishing for… a mutilated horse…

  • acadeca

    god can walk on water but chuck norris can swim on land

  • #1 is the best! Those idiots had it coming. Everyone knows Chuck Norris really does know his stuff.
    Now for something entirely different (not really, I just love the Monty Python line). My youngest daughter (A fine boned, slight girl, 5'4"), who is a talented classical flutist, is also highly trained in Brazilian martial arts. One evening, she and her boyfriend, along with another couple, were leaving Universal City Walk after the movies, when she heard a woman screaming, and man grunting. She ran toward the sound to find a 6' tall man kicking a woman, curled up on the ground, over and over.
    My daughter ordered him to stop! At which point he turned toward her and told her to MYOB, as he turned back to the woman and positioned himself to land another kick, my daughter landed a kick on the back of the guys head! As he turned around, half falling, she managed to get another one into his ribs, cracking two.
    He had a friend waiting in the wings, who attacked my daughters two male friends, breaking one's jaw. By the time the Sheriffs arrived, both men were fully under control, and all the officers had to do was handcuff them.
    The officers told me, as we waited outside the courtroom weeks later, that they had the entire episode on tape. I asked if we were going to get to see it in court, and he said, "Oh, God! I hope not! Your daughter makes us look bad."
    They were all a foot taller than she. And we didn't get to see the tape. They were convicted without it.

    • Great story! :) Do you mean Capoeira when you say your daughter is trained in Brazilian martial arts? Because I don't think there are many kicks to the head in BJJ?

      • Capoeira!
        fenda, thank you! I always, always, always forget the name of it, and she studied it for years. I don't know why I have such a problem with the name. The art is beautiful, combined with music and such fluid movements. Anyway, it sure came in handy *that* night, and the Sheriff's men were both impressed and embarrassed!

        • @ segues: you almost made me want to join a dojo. I've worn glasses since I was 5 or something, so I can't see without them. I don't like the idea of contact lenses either if someone is gonna practice roundhouse kicking my skull. Still, I suppose they may have protective goggles for glasses wearers in some of these places?? Anyway, full respect to your daughter.

          • Thank you, Lifeschool, I shall pass that along.
            Capoeira requires flexibility in addition to tempo, strength, a certain amount of musicianship (this can be taught, it's part of the tempo). It's a wonderful art, and obviously works if a small woman/girl (she was still on the cusp at the time), can bring down a full grown, angry man a foot taller than she.
            If there is a Capoeira dojo in your area, I would not hesitate to recommend you inquiring into participation.

          • I haven't trained very much Capoeira, but I have trained a little bit, my tutor was Anita Valkeemäki who was a student of Mestre Claudio Lemos (I think), from Amsterdam. If my memory serves me. Which it doesn't always, since I've been kicked in the head a few times in other martial arts.. :D

          • Lifeschool, maybe you should consider aikido, if your eyesight is really bad and you don't like contact lenses either. Aikido is mostly based on touch, not eyesight. There are no kicks to the skull either, it's mostly wrist or hip locks and tosses, elbow throws and such stuff. I'm a bit short sighted, too, and I've had no problems with aikido, even without my contact lenses (which I usually have to use in taekwondo, karate, and other disciplines).

  • PuroresuPride18

    LOL At the kung fu guy. This is what happens when you train at a McDojo. Kung Fu = Useless fake martial art.

    • longslidefortyfive

      i would wager Kung Fu grand master Sin Kwang 'The, would destroy any combatant, no matter what age, size, etc. Grand Master 'The is around 65 years old, and looks like he is 45.

      if you someday see the man in motion, you will agree.

      also, the living tai chi grandmaster in china would make chuck norris or any one else look silly.

  • Maverick

    Best list I've read on this website in a long time. #1 definitely just made my week.

  • Becca

    That Chuck Norris story is priceless! I needed that today – thank you :)

    • FlameHorse

      You're very welcome. :)

  • #10: the first degree black belt is the lowest degree of black belts, you don't fight lions yet at that level (Chuck Norris might have done that and won, though). :D
    #5: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! And the most tragic, in a way.
    #1: This would have counted as the most stupid, except that they ONLY got their arms broken. :D
    I loved this list, thanks Flamehorse. :)

  • Another great list! Got to love number 1.

  • Joe Medeiros

    About Vincenzo Peruggia and the theft of the Mona Lisa…For the past 2 years, I've been doing a documentary on him (been interested in the theft of the Mona Lisa for more than 30 years), so let me correct a couple of things that make the theft even more ridiculous. First off, he didn't hide in a janitor's closet. He walked into the Louvre on Monday August 21, 1911 at about 7 am. The museum was closed that day for its weekly cleaning, so he dressed as a workman and blended in. He didn't hide the painting under his coat. The painting is small — about 21 x 30 but too big to hide under a coat. He took off his workman's blouse and wrapped it around the painting and walked out of the museum with it under his arm. Then took it to his room in Paris where he kept it for 2 years and 4 months. There was no plan to sell replicas. That's from a 1932 story written by a Hearst journalist named Karl Decker — pure fabrication. Peruggia stole the painting pure and simple to return it to Italy in the hopes of getting a big reward because he thought it had been stolen by Napoleon. It wasn't. To find out more and to meet Peruggia's 84-year-old daughter Celestina, check out http://www.monalisamissing.com

    • FlameHorse

      That does damper the idiocy of the crime a bit. Thanks. I read the story from '32. I'd lower its rank, but it still belongs on the list.

  • Anton

    The part about chuck's belts is BS. No one holds multiple 10th degree black belts, and JKD doesnt use belt rankings at all.

    • If Chuck Norris wants belt rankings, then belt rankings will be.

      • Chuck Norris doesn't want belt rankings. Belt rankings want Chuck Norris. :)

  • KabirBhai

    @ANTON: How dare u say that? And that too about Chuck Norris? Wait fr him to come out of your computer and give u a dose of his mighty might and tie u up with his numerous belts and there will be belts still left to tie th oil spill which BP have managed to plug only with th help of another of his belt.

    • Anton

      Ole chuck might break a hip tryin lol.
      Aside from the fake list of chucks belts, pretty funny list. Also, chuck is a BB in judo. Funny with all the fake belts one of the ones he actually holds is left out

  • KabirBhai

    There is no theory of evolution. Th only beings alive exist only because Chuck Norris allowed them to live.

  • Jason

    Chucj Norris is the most fucking badass man on the planet

  • is it just me, or do we have posts in the triple digits, and only one negative thing said all day?

    thats kind of impressive

    i do think frater should have posted this list on chuck norris' birthday, but since thats not until next march, i can see letting it slide

  • Top Kill

    Chuck norris rocks. One day i wish to see a film named chuck norris vs stephen segal which will go into my classic film collection amongst alien vs preditor, bush vs laden, bp vs top kill, clones vs mutants, fringe vs 24 and hoes vs pimps. Pun intended.

    • I'd like to see Chuck Norris vs Steven Seagal, too. That would be great! :) Although Chuck Norris would win, hands down (because he doesn't use his hands, only his feet) :D

  • sauvage

    enjoyed the article, but is it just me or was this a badly written one ?

  • jajajaaa Great!!!!!
    #1 is hilarious!!

  • nice work

  • ….what a laugh "Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself"…too bad no cameras got that, must have been quite a scene

  • Jazinho

    Animals don't learn a taste for human flesh…

    • possibly not, but they can think of humans as food when they previously did not.

    • FlameHorse

      Humans do not have fur or claws or tough scaly hides. To predators, we're something like spam.

  • I really got a kick out of reading this blog post! Some of these criminals should have been arrested out of stupidity for what they did.

  • this list is like the worst movie premises all at once. I mean a fixated martial artist fighting a wild beast just to test his skills,people pretending to be cops,and a criminal filming his own crime is a little cliched. There is however definetly unique and just plain lmao crimes on this life. I will never stop laughing when I see a bomb theat in the MIDDLE EAST or a porno being shown in a theater.

  • CoachClapperbugs

    Here in the UK a few months ago a group of young men were out on the town and came a croos a couple of transvestites and decided, in theri simple minded, prejudiced minds, to give them a good beating. Unbeknownst to them the two were actually Cage fighters dressed up to go to a party. They left the group lying bruised, battered and in considerable pain on the ground before going on to party the night away.

    • I read about that… made me LOL.. :) Goes to show, you can't judge the book by the cover. :)

  • Ignorance is bliss…that is until you get caught

  • If you made this stuff up, people would say it's impossible for anyone to be that stupid…

  • Ken

    Nice read! I'm still chuckling about the Chuck Norris incident.

  • Oh goodness…. Most hilarious blog to date ;D

  • *rofl* I can totally visualize the polices reaction in #1… I think I would have laughed myself silly, too… hell, I do laugh myself silly right now :-D

  • KabirBhai

    Stolen one but just could not stop myself…

    Chuck Norris was dropped twice when he was a child… First at hiroshima and second time at nagasaki…

  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

  • JustSayin'

    Did anyone else notice that one commenter mentioned the crossdressing cage-match fighters incident as having happened in Australia, then another stated that it took place in the U.K.? Methinks an urban legend is afoot here…

  • Do NOT mess with good old CHUCK. CHUCK NORRIS not Chuck Bartowski.

  • cyberjam39

    I have to comment on this list. It is the best written list in a long while.
    I pitied the jordanian man but still couldn't get myself to stop laughing.. Well imagine how raunchy it got when i got to the chuck norris part. LMAO!

    Gotta believe in them TV Shows……

  • Mabel

    ROTFLMAO! Oh the Chuck Norris thing was PRICELESS!

  • FlameHorse

    What kills me the most about the #1 entry is that they KNEW it was Chuck Norris! It wouldn't belong on the list if they hadn't known him. That makes them the ultimate stupid criminals.

  • Harry

    Regarding the guy climbing into the lions den, I remember it well.

    A guy who works at Melbourne Zoo told me that the Lions aren't fed on a regular schedule, they are fed irregularly to mimic what they get in the wild.

    This guy thought he knew the schedule. Turns out the lions hadn't been fed for a few days when he chose to climb in.

    What the newspapers didn't report is that he never even made it down off the fence before he got torn to shreds.

    • Anon

      Looks like feeding day for the lions came early!

  • Maggot

    Lol, I just read this news story today, it reminded me of this list:

    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/crime/detail?…

    Excerpt:
    "There are unlucky thieves, and then there is Horatio Toure.

    According to San Francisco police, the 31-year-old city resident rode a bicycle up to a woman Monday afternoon in the South of Market neighborhood, snatched an iPhone out of her hands, and then pedaled away.

    Problem was, the woman was carrying the phone as part of a company's demonstration of a real-time GPS tracking program. If the bandit would have taken a peek at the screen, he would have seen himself traveling across a map of San Francisco.

    Toure was captured a half-mile away about 10 minutes later…"

  • He lives in Navasota, actually… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Navasota,_Texas

    I go to school in College Station and regularly hear stories of people seeing him at the Wal-Mart in Bryan.

  • TopTwentyLists

    Great blog post. Absolutely hilarious. On the one side I do find it funny but on the other, it is just sad!!!

  • ellliot

    that chuck norris part was a little bit touching, i had tears

  • shane

    Chuck is actually very much responsible for helping to spread Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in America by helping some Brazilians open some of the first schools here.

  • aj27117

    This list, and especially the narration, was so hilarious that I was force to sign up so i can leave a comment.

    The guy who got eaten by lions was so stupid, but classic.

    The somalia pirates was one of the best. I can't stop laughing about the Vulcan gatling cannon and 40 Harpoons and the pirates mistaken that heavily armed ship for a private yatch. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

    But the best one is the chuck story. I hope there was a video of that. If there is one lucky guy who captured that moment on video, then I bet he will be rich by now.

    • FlameHorse

      Thanks. Glad you liked it. :) Unfortunately, no one was around to film the Chuck Norris story, but why would he lie? I'm sure the guys who did it would fess up, if anyone asked. And the police. It's rather famous among the Dallas precincts.

  • Mystic Snowfang

    I heard about a criminal who tried to hold up a gun store. Why isn't that idiot on here?
    I mean really…

  • PhD in Fail

    That is what happens to idiots. Damn, that was one heck of a beating!

  • chuckula

    Number 9.
    That is awesome! I have lived in North Richland Hills, Texas for at least 17 years, I see that store several times a week, and our police are awesome. The store is Spy Supply on Davis Blvd. if I'm not mistaken. That is the only store I can think of that matches the story's description. There are very nice folks that run the store.

  • andy

    I can imagine the criminal in #1 were actually trying to rob Chuck Norris, so they have some money to go to Brazil and rob the Gracie's Family while they held a family reunion.
    PN : Helio Gracie invent Brazilian Jiujitsu

  • The DoodleGirl

    #1 is by far the funniest. I mean, you can't exactly mug him, he's, like, well…you know.

    They don't have brains, apparently. Or an Internet connection.

  • Hisdroogness

    I am actually crying right now (no bullshit) my sides and head hurt and I am coughing if I dont catch my breath I may puke. #1 is the funniest thing I have ever read OMFG please please tell me that sometime somewhere there is gonna be some cctv footage that someone overlooked of that. I would pay $100 for that.

  • Deadalready

    Great read!

  • linda10989

    With regard to #3, I can’t help but wonder how many Coalition and American soldiers were killed in retaliation for those pictures.

    I would like to know if they got jail time or just an dishonorable discharge on their military records. Does anyone know? I bet their families are very proud… (sarcastic font needed here)

  • Ben

    What page is this on in his book “Against All Odds?” Because I have been doing searches and have yet to find it anywhere in the autobiography. I would love to use this story, but I want to make sure it is real first.

  • seriously?

    The guy in number 10 must have had the IQ of a shoe. truly makes me wonder how far stupidity can go

  • Sami

    This is beautifull list i loved it.

    lol i loved the #1 hilariouse :D

  • moopersoup

    Ha, this is at least my second, if not my third read of this list and its still funny. Stupidity never gets old.

  • bumf

    i love number one

  • Will

    YEAH RALEIGH!!!!!!!

  • nobeexpip

    Name

  • Matt Viney

    Number #1 is completely bogus. If you’ve read Chuck Norris’ autobiography, he doesn’t mention this incident anywhere. To the contrary, he says the following: “Personally, I have never had to use martial arts in a dangerous, life-threatening situation.” (see location 1875, Kindle version).
    Chuck Norris values truth. Those who claim to admire him should perhaps consider doing the same.

  • Vane

    HAHAHA this is halarious

  • thedecepticoncommand

    Sorry Listverse i have to leave to go check out the Chuck Norris facts website……awsome!!!

  • wwjd1983

    Idiots… this made my day! I lol at the stupidity of ppl. I mean he’s CHUCK FREAKING NORRIS you dumb asses!

  • Jay

    This is a good read.. Specially SILENCE! I kill you!

  • Ed Hart

    Ahh my favorite type of list. I always thought there should be a “stupidity clause” in the law. Attempt #1 and receive double time. Alas I live in California so this is all the working class just trying to keep the dumber than dog shit crowd down.

  • pingu

    i cried at #10 and #4. of all those dumb thing to do, they sure are the most hilarious.

  • carimbo

    all i know is that after chuck noris broke theirs arms, he didnt gave them his wallet but instead they got a good ol’ roundhouse kick

  • alli

    wow – awesomely hilarious list!! good job

  • chad

    Hey my name is chad i want to start by saying i love this site it has alot of interesting topics but for some reason, certain pages wont allow me to scroll down idj if its my phone which is a,android huawei or what buti ithought iwould bring this to your attention thank you keep up good work !!GREAT WEBSITE!!

  • chaos

    “If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is, what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

    Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that.”
    .
    .
    .
    .
    DEAR WORLD, WHAT HAD BECOME OF YOU?!

  • The Mad Zak

    #4
    The US Navy vessel didn’t even bother to warm up any of its big guns (aside from the Vulcan, but that is strictly for self defense against incoming missiles). They only needed the smallest weapon on the deck – the .50 cal Ma Deuce.

    Pretty funny!