Prison is something we all want to avoid, but the time may come when you have to spend some time there (whether or not you are guilty). This is a list of the top 10 things to remember if you find yourself in the big house. If you follow these rules, you should manage to make your stay tolerable. If you found this article through a search engine, I sincerely hope you are reading it out of curiosity and not necessity!
1. Do not get involved with punks
I am not talking about guys with spiked hair – I am talking about guys who become other guys’ “girlfriends” – usually for protection. While the short term benefits may be appealing (protection from other prisoners), you can become a virtual slave, to be gambled or sold to other inmates and you will definitely be used and abused.
This also includes being taken under someone’s wing – it will almost certainly lead to you being a victim of rape. People who offer this kind of help are either looking for a punk, or are looking for someone to pimp out. You should not associate with anyone involved with punks either. Jealousy in prison can lead to murder.
2. Do not discuss your crime
This rule applies especially in cases of sexual crimes. Prisoners doing time for these types of crimes are the biggest target for rape and brutality. In fact, it is virtually guaranteed if the crime involves children. If you are convicted of a child related crime, you should probably request protective custody from the outset – this will keep you out of the main body of the prison and will probably save your life.
3. Do not get involved in gambling
This is a sure way to end up dead. This is a no win situation; you either cannot afford to pay your gambling bills, or you win and make the wrong people very angry. Avoid gambling like the plague in prison. Prisoners will do anything to get what you owe them. Having said that, it is wise to learn a few card games before you enter so you can pass the time playing friendly games.
4. Do not collaborate with the guards against other prisoners
You should never tell on your fellow prisoners – if it is found out you can enter a whole new world of pain. Having said that, don’t be disrespectful to the guards – they can help to make your time go easier.
5. Do not become indebted to anyone
When you first arrive, other prisoners will offer to lend you things until you get on your feet – cigarettes for example. They will offer you a pack in exchange for two later. Absolutely do not accept this offer, it is a very common trick to get you indebted to someone. If you smoke – quit. You should wait until you have earnt your own money before buying things. Basically, the rule is: NEVER take anything from anyone in prison. This is going to get you killed or seriously hurt.
6. Don’t stare at another prisoner
Always walk with your head facing forwards. All it can take is a stare that lasts one second too long for you to become the target of violence. A guy might appear to be friendly or placid one minute, but the next he can be your worst enemy.
7. Do not use drugs
Drug use is a guaranteed road to trouble. You will become severely indebted if you become addicted and you run the risk of being caught by the guards. Drugs are readily accessible and while they may make your time seem less painful, they will almost certainly lead you into big trouble.
8. Work out
Working out not only helps to pass the time, it also helps to to bulk you up – making you less of a target. You should not appear weak – this means walking with your head up – do not look at your feet while you walk. Avoid the temptation to get a tattoo – they often lead to diseases like hepatitis. You will also regret it once you are out.
9. Keep your mouth shut
Do not tell other prisoners about your private life. Do not discuss your crimes and do not discuss politics or religion. Any type of discussion that can lead to an argument is a big no no. Don’t put your business out onto the street. At the same time, respect other prisoner’s privacy and don’t pry into their private lives.
10. Be respectful and polite
Always be polite and respectful to other prisoners. Respect is the only thing a prisoner has and taking that away can be disastrous. Remember, if you give others your respect, they will most likely return the favour. You do not want to make enemies in prison.
Finally, remember, being in prison is like being at war – so it is better not to commit a crime in the first place.
10. dont drop the soap in the shower..
lol i was looking for that one
Because people being violently raped is pretty funny, you sick piece of *****. LOL
And because you overreact like a little girl.
You should work out, lend a pack of cigarettes to, fight, rape, and murder this guy.
Slug: I forgot to add that – a perfect addition.
S.O.B: Cruel but hilarious
strangly applies, for better or for worse and in the doing them right or wrong, in one way or another—to many of the famous actors and just plain famous that are on the tabloid hit lists these days…think about it., other than that, I suggest a top ten ways of breaking out of an island prison (i.e. Alcatraz), because you already have the shipwrecked list and now this one. then i suppose the next would be how to survive on a deserted island or how to survive as an unknown within a large populace, ect.
Rock solid advice – for the inside and the outside!
Apparently the person making the list should go to jail a few times before he makes a list about prison rules. Looks like a list you would come up with after watching a tv show. Try actually going to jail then make a list.
Hello,
Since you are asking the publisher of the article to go to jail so he can speak about it, do you have any idea or informations how to be in jail? at least thank the publisher for his nice work, being in jail not just for murder or kidnap, may be for stealing, or may be for stupid thing, these rules or these information still important, because in jail there is no room for lower profile or higher profile, you might be just a a theft and the other person who share with you the cel is high murder, so enjoy the company,
lol, no mean disrespect, but at least guys thank the publisher for the nice job he done,
I agree he should spend a few months in prison so he can write about it. It’s not like he can just interview people that have gotten out of prison or anything like that.
gregf, as someone who’s been to a few jails and known hundreds of people who have done prison time, I’d say this is a pretty good list for everyone to memorize. Especially if you one day end up in some scary county jail in Los Angeles for 4 days while waiting for your arraignment, and you committed some pussy crime like DUI or public intoxication and weren’t prepared for time in jail.
#1 and #4 are the biggest no-no’s.
As far as gambling, it’s not that big a deal if you actually have the money to gamble. While it’s certainly not risk-free, neither is gambling in Las Vegas and I wouldn’t recommend anyone skip out on a Vegas vacation just because they might lose more money than they can afford.
Christian: at least one of your suggestions is on my list
Bill: Thanks!
Dennis: Thanks for your insight – it is nice to hear from someone who has been there and done that. I am glad you are out now
Interesting list, and it seems like good info, but I would like to know what is the author’s sources and/or experience in the matter?
Have you been to prison, talked to prisoners, or just watched a bunch of prison movies?
John: The sources are from friends and research. I have not been to prison
Why is the “Top 10 rules for fine dining” a “related article”….. lol. Well, i’m glad there’s finally a list that doesn’t include the “Beat up a guy the first day you get there” crap, since that will most likely make you a target for some PO’d friends. Anyway, this and the “perfect crime” article was pretty entertaining, if not useful for anytime *later* in life.
i’ve spent time in jail myselfa(1 yr), and this is the perfect list. i was expecting to be a crock or a joke but it all is perfect advice. not saying if you listen to this advice you would come out w/o a scatch, but it would sure give u a better chance.
Heretic: Maybe the code knows that ex-prisoners would benefit from table manners?
Remember, if you need to commit a crime in the future – don’t tell us!!!
cliff: thanks for the comment – I really appreciate it. I hope that you have managed to get on with life after the event and are happy in your current situation.
I’ve been a Corrections Officer for 11 years–this list is dead on. The people who say this list is wrong are idiots.
Jake – thanks for that comment – it is much appreciated.
I expected some dumbass list, gleaned no doubt from “OZ” reruns..I am happy to see that this is all good advice.Hopefully you won’t need it:)
tonyg: thanks
I agree about not needing it!
6 and 8 completely contradict each other – walk with your head facing downwards/walk with your head up… Otherwise pretty interesting.
jay: in 6 it is meant figuratively – keeping your head down means to not take interest in things around you.
Doesn’t sound too figurative.. “keep your head down” would be better, no?
jay: we are both victims of not reading what was written
It says walk with your head facing forwards, not down.
Ah, apologies. The mind sees only what it wants to..
Males who don’t drain the prostate on a fairly regular basis tend to develop swollen prostate glands, called “BPH” in medical jargon, especially as we age…this affects the ability to urinate normally and can be painful. Is there a higher than normal incidence of BPH among incarcerated men than there is among men in general?
jomama: in the normal lifecycle of a male, sperm is released in to the bladder if needed, so draining the prostate is not necessary as a preventative action. Additionally, in the US, more than half the men between 60 and 70 have BPH and up to 90% between 70 and 90. With that in mind, I think you could safely say that the incidence of BPH in prison will depend entirely on the age range of the prisoners.
ha this list is BS. i just visited my brother today and just got home. Numer 1 its not an option to discuss what u have done. in my brothers barracks he is the one to check all ur lists and info on what u did. If u are a child molestor or anything to do with hurting little kids his first reaction is to drop ur papers and start sockin up ur face and others will jump in because they know that it has something to do with little kids. THIS IS HIS JOB TO PUT IN WORK TO GET FREE TATTOOS. also if ur 18 like my brother most of the guys give u respect because he has never seen anyone younger than him EVER. only 1 other 18 year old who is 17 days older than him.
and for DROPPING THE SOAP. that is complete BS unless ur a rapist or molestor of children or u a punk. at visiting i saw a guy with long wavy hair and breast implants and his face was all cracked out. funniest thing i have ever seen and my brother walked up to him and punked that little b1tch and told him to never look at him again.
maybe you should lay off the hashish dude
hmm – I hate to say it – but I get the feeling that maybe Jake pothead will need this list in a year or two…..
this was obviously written by someone who has never been in jail or prison. it should be called the pussy’s guide to surviving prison lol
Yeah, I’ve heard that rape doesn’t actually happen all that often.
Jake123 and Cliff are right. I too was a Corrections Officer for 19 years and Dan, those rapes happen often enough. Bill, is it being such a pussy to do what’s necessary to leave prison alive and sane as possible? I don’t think you’ve ever experienced prison. If you did, you were probably one of the trouble makers this list was designed to help first timers avoid.
Pothead, if you go to jail, I suggest you do everything discouraged on the list. See how that works.
In ref to Jake Pothead. I really wish that they would make the internet ilegal for anyone under the age of 20. Every website that offer comments gets the same bull. It would be nice to read inteligent information without having to read childish crap like the posts from this punk.
Dude, im 16, dont lump us all in with retards like him. A simple IQ test would probably help with the problems though..
I have a really high IQ, and do some really stupid things every now and then, so thats not the answer…lol.
Hazy Day: thankfully most comments on the site are not like that
I was a corrections officer for 30 years, and I can tell you half this list is bull. You are either someone’s ***** or nobodies. You will get into fights at some point, and you will be left alone only if you win.
The other three people who say they are correctional officers are just losers who sit in their basement longing for an identity. They would get raped in prison.
Matt: you would convince people of your argument more if you didn’t call them names
You will find that most of the best comments on here (even when they don’t like the list) are quite constructive. Welcome to the site btw 
jamie, you’re a great ambassador of grace. That is why this is such an incredible site.
Going to Jail is Gay. You either *****ing guys, getting *****ed by guys or living with guys that ***** each other.
Here’s a sarcastic prison survival guide I found to be particularly interesting:
http://www.voont.com/prison
for example, one of this tips:
DO take advantage of free credit the other inmates may offer you on your first day. It’s a heck of a deal to be able to get free cigarettes (or ciggy wiggys as they are sometimes called) and food on the first day without cash. Usually the inmates who loan you will accept money later or else find other ways that you can provide a service to repay them. Surprisingly this deal is usually offered only to new inmates, so take advantage of all the offers you can; it’s a buyers market!
All good comments. You can tell the *****-ants from the ones who really read the material. Wheither or not the tips really work will be subject for debait until someone posts a message after living this list. All information is valuable. Thanks.
the best advice I saw in the whole posting was:
dont commit a crime – which makes surviving jail a non-issue.
sure, because no one is ever wrongfully imprisoned :-\
As terrible as it is to be in prison (never been, but my brothers have), I must say that I’m not sorry at all that the man who molested and raped my wife is there and has likely received numerous beatings for his crimes.
I’ve been locked up twice in my life [my $lawyer$ loves me], and my inmates were good people. Learn to make tattoos and that’s all. P.S.Don’t speak to the police if they don’t ask you some.
@Nothanks one of my inmates was a killer, and everyone respected him. He sad no ***** in his cell, and no J. off’s, so it was. You got illusions, made by Hollywood. But the Cops are all gay.
or u could turn islam. joe smoe could become muhammed ali bin laden or some *****.
Personally, I think that all prisoners who commited ***** crimes against children whould brag about it.
Viking: I know that ***** crimes are far more common than people realize and that being said if I was in prison and another inmate bragged about molesting a child I would beat him to within an inch of his life every chance I got.
Good list with good information. Bad comments by sub-human species
i have spent six years in prison in the northwest, for the most part this is an article that does have some substance to it. i, personally, have a few arguements with it. #1-not associating with punks is a good tip, not associating with people involved with punks? come on. #2- dont discuss your time, not your crime, your crime will sometimes stop you from becoming a punk. #3 gamble away! every card game and domino game involves it. from squares (cigs) to ramen noodles. just dont bet what you dont have. #4- pretty accurate, never tell. #5- again good advice. #6- agreed, dont stare. #7- dont use drugs, is this from the just say no campaign? if someones gonna use then thats that. Dont use drugs doesnt belong on the list. #8- two parter here: yes work out, tattoos? youd better have them they are a prisoners resume. not tats is your first step towards becoming a punk. unless you are a victim of circumstances you already have them before catching your first ride though so not a biggie. #9- depending on how this is taken it can either be correct or incorrect. dont run your mouth, but dont be a mute. if you dont want to talk about personal stuff by all means do not, and not prying is very good advice. #10- be very respectful and demand your respect, polite? thats goin a little far, the respect has all the politeness in it you need. all in all a decent list.
i live in australia, i might be goin to jail for threatening to kil someone when i rang them, they recorded my cell phone call…i have one problem…i have an extremely fat ass due to steroid use, i dont use anymore, i shrank but my ass stayed the same, totally embarassing, i think this will make me a target…what do you think…i do have tatoos from when i was in the army before i got kicked out, so i dont look totally gay..will i survive? how do i conceal my ass?…what do i say when the jeers start? unfortunately true story……
very_dumb_sod: I think you will be fine – just remember the tips here and all will be well. Good luck!
i will hope for the best….or i could gas myself with charcoal before i go to court ..i hear it is the most pleasant and easy way to die..of course you have to wait until the smoke clears ..then put in a big bowl and sit in your car and die..you could go for a drive somewhere first…p.s. dont use roids..what a waste of time
#11 Remember to always tattoo the escape plan and architectural details of the prison all over your’re body.
woops. all over YOUR, typo.
Going to prison in Broward County fort Lauderdale Florida is not that bad. The guys get along. Some of the Prisoners are nice not all are bad. It is OK to take one or two cigerattes as a token of friendship. The fact is you are going to need friends in prison. You must insure you pick the right friends.
It is best to play weak in the beginning. This will insure the guard putting you with weaker inmates. If you show the guard you are tuff then they will be forced to put you with the tuff inmates. It is easier to be top dog with weaker inmates than the hardcore ones.
If you do borrow in prison just make sure you can pay it back. Prisoners respect people that can pay back.
It is easy to prevent from getting raped..
Never smell pretty in prison.. Which basically means you do not wipe your butt when you take a crap? If you manage to keep a slight odor the *****ual predators will look for someone who smells fresh and clean.
You must make friend in prison. Make sure you pick good ones because they are the one who will be the look out when you shower and go to the bathroom.
Make sure to be friends with the cooks because they will ensure you always have clean food.
And if you happen to be weak you must face reality. It may make sense to find someone to be friends with and the others will know its hands off. Why take the chance on getting brutally gang raped by prisoners when you can just please one from time to time.
What kind of activities are there in prison? Arts and craft, knitting etc…
A guy who went to prison stated the following
You know that when the gavel falls and they send you up the river, you’ll be a "new fish" dumped into a pool of bloodthirsty piranhas. The first time you walk down the tier to your cell, praying for God to give your trembling knees the energy to keep pushing forward, you’ll hear the hoots and whistles and see the grimy hands reaching out to grab your ass, leering toothless mastodons making kissy-face at you, the nauseatingly horrifying amorous advances of drooling tattooed sociopaths ready to split your rectum open like they’re deboning a chicken. Your anus will pucker in terrified self-defense.
Your cellmate will be a seven-foot-tall tobacco farmer/smalltime burglar named "Bubba," a gentle soul except when it comes to matters of the flesh. He will murder your manhood. The things he’ll force you to do are degrading, humiliating, and you’ll probably never come close to recovering psychologically from them, but you can at least comfort yourself knowing that it’ll never hurt as much as it did the first time. It’ll still hurt, don’t get me wrong—it’ll hurt BAD—just not as much as the first time. And probably not nearly as bad as during the first few weeks when the virgin wounds are still fresh. But you’ll get over it, and you’ll learn to fold Daddy Bubba’s sheets and do his laundry and sweep the floor and clean the toilet just the way he likes it, and if he isn’t in too bad a mood, he might wait a few more days before he sells your ass for a cigarette to the Samoan twins down the block.
Every day will bring another punch to your jaw from another psychotic lifer, and you’ll get used to picking up your teeth from the shower-room floor like so many bloody Chiclets. To make the predators leave you alone, you’ll probably have to sharpen a pork-chop bone and stab someone under the armpit with it, and while the air’s hissing out of his lung and he falls to the ground gasping for mercy, you’ll shout, "OK? Anybody ELSE want some? No? NO? Didn’t THINK so."
You’ll have to pull a stunt like that within the first few hours, or else they’ll think you’re a punk and bum-rush you, hanging a sheet in front of your cell bars and pulling a "train" on your swollen, infected ass, shooting AIDS-laden cum into every hole in your body, taking their dicks out of your mouth long enough to punch you again, calling you their ***** and smearing food coloring from Peanut M&Ms on your lips and eyelids and saying it’s "makeup."
This is sad , but true. My bestfriends brother went to jail for getting involved in an accident while driving with suspended tags due to a lack of insurance. He did commit a crime, but he was a college student with a high grade point average that worked a fulltime job. He had never been in trouble, and there wasnt any serious damage to body or property.He couldve received community service alon with probation and maybe a tracking device. The Judge wanted him to know the severity of his crime so he sentenced him to 5 yrs ,to serve 18 months and the remainder probation.He cellmate was a Big Bubba who iniatially befriended him then moved on to *****talk and touching until my friends brother pleaded with his family to have him moved to another cell. He desperately called her parents for about a week until he ended up getting medical attention. His ear even had to be be sewn partially along with numerous bruises. One day the calls stopped , and they worried and desperately tried to reach him only to find out that he was locked down. the guards caught him stabbing the corpse of his cellmate . He stabbed him 137 times before they pulled him off of the corpse. I dont have to tell you that he will probably never come home for numerous reasons. He is no longer mentally stable ,and therefore he doesnt communicate with the family.Rape is a horrific crime for any victim, but especially for same ***** because then they question there own *****uality.Rape not only affects the victim, but also the family that loves and wants to protect them.
very_dumb_sod:
Just tie a nice cardigan sweater around your waste. No one will be none the wiser of your derriere situation. Good luck!
This is the best list to discourage people from committing crimes (or at least getting caught).
Any which ways Jamie wins hands down!! Great List and even greater comments (some of them at least)