The desire to make a quick buck drives many would-be inventors to patent every possible idea they get in case some day it becomes a useful tool. Most of the time, it doesn’t. This is a list of 15 of the most bizarre patents registered.
1. Buttock Parter International Patent WO02069773
Yes – you read that right. This patent is meant to part your buttocks whilst sitting on the toilet. The text of the patent describes this far better than I: The invention relates to a toilet seat comprising a seat surface for the user and an opening limited by the seat surface. The invention aims to facilitate defaecation for the user in a simple, comfortable manner and preventing soiling in the area around the anus when defaecating. Means which are actuated by the weight of the user are provided for spreading the buttocks of the user during the defecation process. Nice.
2. Poop Catcher German Patent DE4020440
While we are on the subject of toilets, let me introduce the poop catcher. The device comprises a tube with two apertures, the first of which, insertable in the anus, has a rounded end. It is made of soft to hard plastics. The second end is connected to an all-purpose suction unit. The tube is screwed into the middle of a plastics funnel. The funnel locates correctly against the buttocks, thus preventing any unnecessary staining. Use: For the hygienic removal of feces from dogs. The device. can also find application with human patients who suffer from chronic constipation, or are bed-ridden. I think the inventor of this patent could very nearly be a candidate for the Top 10 Most Evil Men list. Your dog or bed-ridden relatives will really love you if you get them one of these… Not!
3. Dog Ear Protector US Patent US4233942
This invention provides a device for protecting the ears of animals, especially long-haired dogs, from becoming soiled by the animal’s food while the animal is eating. The device provides a generally tubular shaped member for containing and protecting each ear of the animal, and a member to position the tubular member and animal ears away from the mouth and food of the animal while it is eating. I would hate to see the poor dog trying to get through a dog-door with these on its head.
4. Amusement Urinal US Patent US4773863
A urinal with amusement features. Discourages the inadvertent or intentional diversion of urine outside the proper receptacle. Urine is detected by pressure or temperature sensors 12, sending an electrical signal to a control unit 16. This activates a loudspeaker 28 and video screen 24, to provide audio and visual signals. The combination of sight and sound may be varied by the user upon proper direction of the urine stream, and the user is actively involved in his own amusement.
5. Unicorn Maker US Patent US4429685
This invention relates to a method of growing unicorns in a manner that enhances the overall development of the animal. In order to achieve this quite bizarre creature, the patent describes surgery to join the two horns of a goat together as one central horn.
6. Groin Enhancer UK Patent GB2301524
A Contoured Ulterior Pouch (CUP), a menswear personal accessory, is shown back view in Figure 4. The CUP has thick soft outcurved walls W, which cover and augment the wearer’s scrotum and testes without confining his penis. The scrotum and testes stay within the shell-like interior hollow cavity C, which is formed by the outcurved walls and the penis always stays free to function normally through opening O. Rim R stays snugly around the organs’ root base, thereby releasably securing the CUP to the wearer, whilst giving the appearance of there being no visible means of support. The CUP can be manufactured to simulate all the natural human male scrotal characteristics, in feel and appearance. This, complemented by the wearer’s own penis, confounds visual detection and creates a true-to-life and more robust manly form.
7. Banana Protection Device US Patent US6612440
A banana protective device for storing and transporting a banana carefully. The banana protective device includes a container having a first cover member and a second cover member being hingedly attached to the first cover member and being adapted to store a banana therein; and also includes pad members being securely disposed upon the first and second cover members for protecting and cushioning the banana; and further includes fastening members being attached to the first and second cover members for fastenably closing the first and second cover members together.
8. Mucous Remover US Patent US6471679
A portable nasal, mucus removing device includes a case having an internal empty space for receiving parts, and a motor placed within the case and rotated by receipt of driving power from a battery. A power transmission unit is connected to the motor to convert the rotating movement of the motor into a reciprocating movement. A vacuum generator is connected to the power transmission unit to generate a vacuum pressure by introducing an external air or discharging the introduced air. A guide tube is attached to an inner wall of the storage tank to guide the introduced nasal mucus into the storage tank. A control unit for controlling the vacuum pressure in the vacuum generator is provided at the case to induce or stop the introduction of the nasal mucus.
9. Portable Seat UK Patent GB2267208
The apparatus 10 comprises a cushioned seat member 18 pivotally mounted to a flexible intermediate member 16. A belt 14 is provided mounted on the member 16 and which permits the apparatus to be worn around a person’s waist. The apparatus can adopt two positions, a stowed position (shown) with the member 18 lying substantially flat against the member 16, and a seating position (Fig. 2) where the member 18 hangs below the member 16 and can be sat upon by the wearer. Fastening means may be provided for holding the member 18 in the stowed position. A releasable strap (30, Fig. 7) may be provided to hold the member 18 against a person’s buttocks. The member 18 may be profiled (Fig. 6). The member 16 and the underside of the member 18 may be of waterproof material.
10. Lap Dance Liner US Patent US6406462
A combination pouch and underwear pant is worn by a man for facilitating sexual activity such as lap dancing. The pouch is worn over the sex organs of a man under the underwear pant, which is adapted by an elastic waistband for compressively pinning the pouch in place. The pouch is made of a flexible and elastic material. A top edge of the pouch provides access to an interior of the pouch of a hand and wrist of the wearer so as to facilitate insertion of the wearer’s sex organs into the pouch through an aperture, which encircles penis and scrotum. The aperture elastically compresses between a top surface at the base of the penis of the wearer and a bottom surface at the base of the scrotum of the wearer. With the pouch in place, the wearer is able to facilitate the capture of body fluids without fear of the pouch moving away from its preferred position relative to the torso of the wearer.
11. Ladies Underwear and Calendar US Patent US5606748
At the front waistband of a feminine undergarment, a clip holding band is equipped by sewing horizontal and vertical threads in a grid form, and below the clip holding band, a date portion is located in which numerals and heart shapes are printed in two lines. Both edges of the clip holding band are designed to be sewn as to extend from the date portion. At first, a gold heart-shaped clip is hooked on the right end portion and a silver heart-shaped clip is hooked on the left end of the clip holding band with a vertical pin and a horizontal pin. Moving the clip on to the clip holding band above the date of the date portion below and allowing the vertical pin tip end to protrude from the clip holding band enables the clip to indicate the date below. This enables the recording of the date when the period began and allows for the computation of the time until the next period begins.
12. Safe-sex Suit French Patent FR2640874
The present invention concerns a device for protection against transmissible diseases consisting of an outside covering made of a flexible plastic material, preferably transparent, covering a part at least of the body and comprising means (9) for attaching a sheath (4). It also relates to a sheath for implementation on such protection device. Application for combating infectious diseases.
13. Kissing Shield US Patent US5727565
A kissing shield comprised of a thin, flexible membrane and a frame or holder. The membrane is closed on three sides, a fourth side remaining open so that the membrane can be stretched over the frame or holder. The frame or holder consists of a supporting member and an elongated handle. The supporting member adapts over the bottom part of the user’s face and has sufficient dimension to cover the lips and most of the cheeks and extends from under the nose to the bottom of the chin. The elongated handle extends laterally from the supporting member and is sized to be held in the hand of the user such that the hand is spaced apart from the supporting member and membrane. In use, the membrane is placed over the frame or holder. Using the handle portion of the frame or holder, the user places the kissing shield under his nose, so that it covers his lips, cheeks and chin. The user then positions the kissing shield between his lips and the lips or cheek of the individual he plans to kiss and kisses the intended recipient of his affection.
14. Santa Claus Detector US Patent US5523741
A children’s Christmas Stocking device useful for visually signalling the arrival of Santa Claus by illuminating an externally visable light source having a power source located within said device.
15. Hiccup Stopper US Patent US7062320
A device for the treatment of hiccups, and more specifically, to a method and apparatus for the treatment of hiccups involving galvanic stimulation of the Superficial Phrenetic and Vagus nerves using an electric current. The aim is to take a sip of water from the device which will then give you an electric shock to frighten the hiccups away. A great one if you have annoying kids that hiccup a lot.
Patent Data Sourced from the Espacenet Database
Wait, what? I… what where they thinking?
Anthony: only their therapists know!
http://www.freepatentsonline.com/4901715.html check this out:) Ad a photo: http://g.o2.pl/file_cms/2007/10/01/170036.gif
Weird, but this one could really save your life i think…
sry, double post
ROFLMAO!
To be honest I could really use the banana protection unit. They’d be great for the long hikes…………………………
lmao
The mucous remover is not so bizarre… it’s often used for babies (my sister has one) There are also acne versions
I own a banana protector and so do many of my close friends. I see nothing remotely bizarre about wanting to protect your banana from being squashed on long journeys.
JT: you do? Truly?
Absolutely. They’re quite common around here. Maybe it’s a North London thing…
Banana protectors I can understand (just barely) but a buttock parter? An actual device that parts your buttocks? That’s going to haunt my dreams for weeks.
http://www.bananaguard.com/
JT: I have one, too. And a tip: an empty CD spindle makes a good bagel guard.
http://www.hic-cups.com/ – this apparently works, there’s a girl thats been all over the news this year because she’s had the hiccups for like 9 months or something. This stopped them and now she endorses it.
kancgab – Asphyxiation would have to be IMMINENT. I don’t even like smelling my own farts, I don’t know if I could handle breathing sewer-air from a whole apartment building. Smoke almost seems healthier.
It’s clever, but damn. Can you imagine actually using it?
simply evil….i am speechless on most of these
I actually saw a video of the girl who had the hiccups for 9 months talking about how they went away. She said in the interview that nothing she had tried had worked and that finally one day they just stopped on their own. Now she’s endorsing this hic-cup and crediting it with stopping her hiccups.
Desiree – They started again shortly after her first media campaign. Apparently she’s always had this problem. Her recent bout was extreme enough to be ‘newsworthy’ in this day and age.
Or so she said… Maybe you’re right and she was just trying to bag a sweet endorsement deal for her piece of the hic-cup.com
millionshundreds.that expensive “amusement urinal” is not needed. I read there was a study that found if a 3D fly were painted on uirnals, 83 percent of men would aim for the fly, discouraging “the inadvertent or intentional diversion of urine outside the proper receptacle”
ben:
A picture of Hitler would be just as effective and much more amusing.
Man…how the hell did you come up with this list!! Youre truly something J…
Ya’ll are too funny!!!
Peggy: you think the comments here are funny? Check out the 50 jokes list!
The amusement urinal is actually in use. Guys can operate a video game by ..UM… wizzing on a control panel in the urinal. It’s a race car game that advertizes a taxi cab company. I read about it here: http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2007/08/*****-screen-deb.html
I never leave home without my buttock parter
Wait, so what is the lap-dance thing protecting you from, an embarassing bulge or stain?
I so needed the laugh! Thanks for a great list.
Joining two goats horns together surly dosent make that goat a unicorn, its just a mutated goat!
I’m with everyone else on the banana thing! when i get to work my banana is alway black!!
but yeah – that hiccup thing – look at the picture! inserting a straw into your brain will probably stop a lot of things!!
I’ve purchased a banana protector before actually.
Um..yeah…my brother gave all our family banana protectors as xmas presents. I don’t really eat bananas, but if you do and need to carry it around in a bag or something you should definitely get one.
I wonder how fat you have to be to need help with parting your ass cheeks before taking a *****.
Banana protector? XD
This Banana protector thing has gone out of hand. I can’t believe something like has not only been invented, but also seems quite popular.
I regularly take banana’s to work and have never run into any issue with them requiring the use of an external casing.
Honestly, I cannot believe it!
seriously….banana protector? lol omg! I was laughing so hard! lol….good invention though…lol I just can’t believe it! It’s on the list and I though it something strange then everyone is saying they have one lol! I want one too! lol…btw the Buttock Parter seems a good idea for people with hemorroids (me) … we need to be extra clean!
I could make up a comment, but basically the first comment on here says it all :p
Oh and 12 and 13? I think the invention of the sentence “what the *****?!” might’ve been close related to these two…
Haha, yeah…there was an Andy Warhol exhibit at one of the art galleries in my city recently and they were selling a bunch of these banana protectors in the gift shop.
Poop Catcher, lol!!
Man, Do I have “Bizarre Parents”, let me tell yah!
(“How bizarre are they?”)
wha?, Huh?
Patents, you say?
“Bizarre Patents”?!
no, I’m just foolin,
To think of all the inventions that I have invented in my mind, but never had made…..and yet, Ive ended up seeing them(or slight variation of) in bargain bin/novelty gift deptments.
Or junk mail I used to get, which was stuffed with glossy singles of adds galore.
All of these great, I dont see why they are bizarre at all.
except for the doggie ear protector. Nobody buys cutsie things for their doggie or kitty.
cute doggie cute kitty.
I wanna build all of these in my workshop, and become a cyborg unit.
When I was young, I rigged up a section of christmas lights so that they ran on batteries. Now you can buy lights like that in craft stores. I had an idea for a personal hand-held alarm. I put an electric bicycle horn in a flashlight case. If a woman was attacked, She could push the button, and the horn blared. A few years later, people were marketing hand held personal safety alarms, for woman to carry in case they get attacked. I missed out on two things that I could have patented myself.
Drogo: I had a neighbor friend once tell me of a woman friend of his(yeh that’s right. It’s “a friend of a friend said something” story) Who had the idea to place almonds in Hershey Kisses. She wrote the company and low and behold got a reply, that stated something along the lines of “thank you for your suggestion and taking your time out to notify us of your great idea..but we are unable to meet your request for changing our beloved chocolate. blah blah, ect”
Ok I cant remember any exact reply(blame my neighbor friend for not giving me a better impression) but the jist was that there was an uninterested reaction.
Hershey’s later came out with Almond Kisses. The friend of a neighbor, never patened her idea, so was left with no monies, just a story.
My grandpappy invented the process that led to the color copy machine, but his head was signed under the corporation and he got very little in return. They built a whole plant next door, to develop. When he was living, and I asked him what sort of thank you he got.
He said they gave him a small bonus.
woopee.
The Smithsonian for a short time considered elaborating his “input” on the invention and including a picture of him on show. I dont know what the final display ended up being. They probably swept it all aside for Archie Bunker’s chair.
A banana protector?! Why didn’t I learn about this earlier?! I’ve been needing one of those!!
I have one of those Banana protectors…
i also want a bananna protector, they seem to be very popular. im going to be unppopular at xmas, but gift choosing will be alot easier this year!
LMAO!!
lol, where do you find this stuff???
these are sooo ridiculous! lol
the lap dance protector is so funny
I could easily use number 2, number 4, number 7, number 8, number 9, number 14, and number 15.
Number 12 cracks me up. Just the upper half of the picture.
Huh.
I’ve found the best way to stop hiccups is to sit up as straight as possible, plant your feet flat on the floor and breath (deeply) in your mouth and out your nose. It actually works—the stretching helps open up the glottis and ease the pressure off your diaphragm. It’s a little safer than introducing electricity and water into the mix.
Next time you get the hiccups, try the posture thing.
Oh, and #9 surprises me that it’s a UK patent. It seems like something one of us lazy, fatass Americans would come up with.
#12: Useful if having ***** during nuclear fallout.
lol poop catcher ftw!
i think a buttock parter would feel REALLY nice *blushes*
why pay say 20 dollars for that kiss shield when you could just as easily use a piece of plastic wrap? or maybe just kiss like normal people?
One bizarre patent is patent 5373560. It’s just two numbers. Legally, you can’t use them without permission.
All I need to stop my hiccups is a plain old cup of water. No shock needed. I don’t really need to drink a lot- just go through the sip and swallow actions rapidly. Oddly only the good old drinking method works reliably for me- deep breaths or holding my breath doesn’t work.
I just wanted to say that banana protectors are most definitely NOT a North London thing.
list shoudl be called 'first ten patents i saw that mentioned weiners or feces'
sadly, only the banana protection device came true.