Subscribe to ListverseTop 25 Woody Allen Quotes
- Published December 9, 2007 - 53 Comments
Woody Allen is one of the most respected and prolific filmmaker in modern times. Allen draws heavily on literature, philosophy, psychology, Judaism, European cinema and New York City, where he was born and has lived his entire life. Some might consider his films an acquired taste, but no one can deny that he is brilliantly witty. Here is a list of 25 of his finest quotes (taken from his own life or screenwriting).
Quotes 1 – 5
1. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
2. He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
3. As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
4. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
5. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Quotes 6 – 10
6. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
7. I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
8. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
9. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
10. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia
Quotes 11 – 15
11. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
12. I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
13. I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
14. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
15. I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Quotes 16 – 20
16. If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
17. In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
18. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
19. Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
20. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Quotes 21 – 25
21. Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
22. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
23. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
24. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
25. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
December 9th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Wrong title. It says at the top ‘Top 15 Woody Allen quotes’.
I saw a great Allen film once, it was kind of a sketch one. The only bit that i can think of it now is a giant pair of breasts destroying some houses. Anyone know what I’m talking about?
December 9th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Forgot to add: great list! no. 9 is awesome
December 9th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
oops – thanks – I have fixed that
I don’t know what movie you are talking about – but I am sure that there are some people here who would be able to tell us 
December 9th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Haha, I was just about to send you a Woody Allen quotes list, jfrater. Oh well. Nice work though, #14 is my life story.
December 9th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I cant stand Woody Allen.
December 9th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Oh and dangorironhide, the film you are thinking of is Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask.
December 9th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
JT ah – I was worried that might happen
If you want to do a film list I will keep away from that for now 
Juggz: I don’t actually like him as an actor/person – but I do enjoy his films a lot and find his writing very funny
December 9th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
25 is the best. Looks like I made it to 33 and may not make it to 34…
December 9th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
I can’t stand the little weasel either.. but #25 is the best!
December 9th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
The problem here is familiarity. I hoped I never had an idea on his way, so I could enjoy his works.
December 9th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
JT: thanks! That films really funny but I’ve never been able to find it again because I forgot the name!
December 9th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
It’s interesting that the 14 out the first 15 quotes begin with the personal pronoun. Of the 25, it seems all of the quotes concern himself. I don’t know if this is indicative of Woody Allen being self-centered or if it is more of a product of his self-deprecating humor.
December 9th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Er, 12 of the first 15.
December 9th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
wow this guy is really unfunny- and i foung dude wheres my car funny
December 9th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
zubair kaka: No offense meant, but you finding Dude Where’s My Car funny makes me think you may not have the best taste in humour …
December 9th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
No. 18 was a quote from either Freud or Groucho Marx (Allen says this himself in the movie).
December 9th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Hilarious list. Great job! I think this one deserves an encore!
December 9th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
The sketch movie with the breasts is “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex* But Were Afraid To Ask”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068555/
December 9th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Bruno: “I don’t know if this is indicative of Woody Allen being self-centered or if it is more of a product of his self-deprecating humor.”
Yes.
December 9th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I think that some people would think that “Dude, where’s my car” was funny if the thought that Woody wrote it. He is just unfunny with a warped fanbase.
December 9th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
his best quote was “Don’t knock masterbation, it’s sex with someone i love” or something to that effect
December 9th, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Actually, this list misses his best quote ever. When asked if he thought sex was dirty, he replied; “Only if you’re doing it right.”
December 10th, 2007 at 12:08 am
(Speaking of his ex-wife): “The Museum of Natural History took her shoe and, based on her measurement, they reconstructed a dinosaur.”
December 10th, 2007 at 1:25 am
Haha, love it! Woody Allen is a strange man indeed, but I love his sense of humor sometimes. =) Espeically 9. Gets me every time.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:34 am
Probably misquoting a bit “The great thing about bi-sexuality is it doubles your chance of getting a date for Friday night”
December 10th, 2007 at 1:57 am
Mattayeaux wrote that Allen is “just unfunny with a warped fanbase.”
Then I must be warped … I find his work extremely funny, and intellectual.
PS: I highly recommend his movie, “Annie Hall.”
December 10th, 2007 at 2:32 am
I loved Play it again, Sam.
December 10th, 2007 at 2:36 am
mattayeaux i just meant to say that i laugh at almost everything-but apparently not this list
December 10th, 2007 at 5:32 am
Haha. Great quotes.
December 10th, 2007 at 9:54 am
This is not really a quick quote. it’s more of a sample of his writing. (I don’t think the quick quotes do him justice) Anyway this is my favorite Woody Allen moment. It is right at the end of Annie Hall.
“It was great seeing Annie again and I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her and I thought of that old joke, you know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken,’ and uh, the doctor says, ‘well why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but uh, I guess we keep going through it…because…most of us need the eggs”
December 10th, 2007 at 10:52 am
I never really thought he was funny. Then again I don’t think I ever really watched one of his films. Maybe it was because I thought he was creepy. But that’s only because he looked like an old, dirty pedophile (and probably is).
Thats bad though, because it doesn’t reflect on the quality of his work and in fact, I’ve always said that the geniuses are usually messed up in the head…
I think I will start watching his movies. These are good quotes.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:59 am
InconsistentAngelThings – What?! How can that be? I am not messed up in the head
Anyway – I recommend you look at some of his movies – they are very funny.
December 10th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Woody Allen is a euphemism, and if he isnt….. ”Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeerd”
December 10th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
“23. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet”
This is why Woodie Allen is so freaken awesome
December 11th, 2007 at 12:17 am
Favorite Woody Allen quote, may not be exact:
“She had a body that not only wouldn’t quit, it wouldn’t take 15 minutes off for a coffee break.”
If you want to see a strange Woody Allen movie, try “What’s Up, Tiger Lily”, his first film, where he takes a Japanese James-Bond type film, and dubs his own dialogue over it.
December 11th, 2007 at 12:26 am
PJMurphy: great quote! And thanks for the mention of What’s Up, Tiger Lily – I hadn’t heard of it but will definitely see it. I would like to buy a box set of all his films – I wonder if such a thing exists.
December 17th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
how about, i think it goes… the human race is made up of the horrible and the miserable. the horrible are the disabled, blind, terminally ill, etc… and the miserable..thats everyone else.
January 15th, 2008 at 3:50 am
My fav Allen movie has to be Annie Hall. It’s actually rumoured to be based on his real life relationship with Diane Keaton(who i think was absolutely beautiful in her heydays..). I have almost all of his stuff except What’s up Tiger Lily, which is rather hard to get hold of. Guess i’ll keep lookin’. Heard somewhere that his own fav is Love and Death.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I never heard that one about the Armenian before. It’s rude.
Other than that I’ve always found Woody hysterical!
May 17th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Not that anyone replies to older lists really, but if by chance….I cant quite remember the quote…something to the extent of (and I know this isn;t anywhere close) ” If I die and go to heaven, I’ll pack extra spare underwear, just in case.”
Which would be easy to see him in one of his early movies with his old beat up suitcase, in line among others on the longest escalator, thinking to him self, “oh no!, I forgot to pack spare underwhere!” He reaches the top in heaven and the “stewardess” angel says”this way please, sir”
“no, no. I ah, forgot..uh, something.. down, down there”
“Sir, there’s no going back, I’m sorry.”
“but, but but.”
Ok I’m making it up but I know he said something of the sort of which I first stated
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:03 pm
#8 has also been said “I don’t want to live on in my work I want to live on in my apartment.”
November 1st, 2008 at 12:51 am
BEST Woody Allen quote ever:
His ex-wife was violated in Central Park. When a reporter asked his opinion on the matter, he replied: “Well, knowing her the way I do, I’m sure it wasn’t a ‘moving’ violation”
November 12th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Hard to take anything this guy says seriously anymore
After the whole stepdaughter incident
Now he just seems like a perv with a sense of humour
Rather than a witty individual.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
“The great thing bout being bisexual is that it automatically doubles your chances of getting a date for Saturday night.”
December 18th, 2008 at 4:45 am
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start working, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest…
Next Life …Woody Allen
December 26th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Great comedian. Excellent writer. Less than great moviemaker.
Many of the best quotes were from his standup routine!
February 10th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
woah, woah, woah, woah…
where is:
” Don’t knock masterbation, its sex wth someone I love.”
Did I miss something?
May 28th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Woody is an amazingly wonderful being human, and besides, the French love the guy. What could be a better evidence of his talent and intelligence?
June 16th, 2009 at 4:44 am
hey, people, yeah, i agree that woody allen is great..
and i have one little question. there is a episode from House MD , where was said that woody allen had said that love is irrational and crazy, but we go through it, because we need the curry. I don’t understand what is curry? I thought it’s some kind of a meal…? so, what does it mean in this sentence? Can anybody please answer me?
July 12th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Due to the overwhelming response that was received from my request for a plain and simple answer concerning a correct Allen Stewart Königsberg quote (one of which I wondered about over a year ago) I hereby congratulate the hard working staff and regular devotees of The List Universe on their expedient grace in prompt fashion. If only it hadn’t taken me so long to recover from forgetfulness and realize that my imagination is much more spectacular than,
“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
August 18th, 2009 at 1:45 am
btw, I also liked this little bit of dialogue from Manhattan (1979)
“I finally had a orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wronge kind.”
“Oh, really? Cause I’ve never had the wrong kind. My worse one was… right on the money.”
October 24th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Here’s an Allen quote that would also go well with your famous atheists list, “My God my God. What have you done…lately.” I think it’s from Side Effects or maybe from Without Feathers.