If you have friends with kids and you wish they would stop inviting you to visit, just pick up an item or two from the following list the next time a gift-giving occasion rolls around.
The first reason is obvious. There are usually thousands of them, and within 5 minutes of the package being opened they are everywhere. Second, assuming the kids actually do use the beads for their intended purpose, they proudly present you with a mismatched, half-completed poorly-made necklace/bracelet which they then expect the parent (you) to wear every day of your life.
Does this one even need an explanation? Just know that they put a screw on the battery compartment for a reason. No, it’s not so the kids can’t eat the batteries, if your kids eat batteries, they deserve what they get. It’s so the kids can’t replace the batteries, because there is no way that the parents ever will.
Slime + Furniture/Carpeting/Curtains/Anything = Angry Parent + Child with a sore rear end.
Scientists have calculated that there is only a 31 second window between the time a Barbie Doll leaves the box and the moment it is discarded by the child, hair matted and/or cut and completely naked. And speaking of that box! It is easier to get a cat in a bathtub that to get the stupid doll out of that box. The process goes like this…Cut tape, open box, slide out inner backing with doll and accessories attached, remove wire ties, cut tape, take a break, have a drink, cut strings, cut plastic, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat…(I’m going to stop here, but at this point only half of the accessories have been freed from their plastic purgatory).
Have you ever stepped on a lite-brite peg at 2 am? If not, let me know, I’ll be happy to send you a couple so you can share in the experience.
Umm-umm! Nothing says gourmet cuisine like old batter from the toy store, cooked to runny/gooey/burned perfection by a 60 watt light bulb! See the beautiful treats this young girl has prepared? That’s not even close what your kid is going to make. If you give this a gift, be prepared to receive the results as a thank-you present.
How could bubbles possibly make this list? After all, they’re just soap and water? They’re harmless, right? WRONG! Parents hate bubbles like rednecks hate the government. They make anything they touch in the house sticky and leave water-soap rings on furniture, so you have to insist that the kids only use them outside, which results in: “Can we go outside to blow bubbles?”, “Can we go outside to blow bubbles?”, “Can we go outside to blow bubbles?”, “Can we go outside to blow bubbles?”, etc, etc, etc.
See: Bubbles
Gotta Catch ‘em All! At $5-20 a pop, catching ‘em all is a great financial plan if you are into poverty. These things are like kiddie heroin, one taste is all it takes. Plus, half of them don’t really look like anything, or at least not anything you would want to play with. Look at the example above (Sudo Woodo), it had to be inspired by a diet high in corn and peas. And the show!!! Try and watch it, I dare you.
You might as well wrap your children in colored toilet paper as these heavy-duty toughskin-quality threads. They are made from the flimsiest materials available, stitched together with the thinnest thread and typically unravel as you take them out of the packaging. See how happy the children are in the picture above? They’re getting paid to smile. It’s a triple whammy: Wasted money, ruined costumes and crying children.
Contributor: BishopWhiteT
Jeez…pokemon, yugioh, digimon, all so annoying!! And I compleatly agree with this list! Nice one
Digimon is awesome. You adults don’t know anything. Hell, I’m an adult and I know you’re full of crud.
My children are now in their early twenties, and have left home. This list was a walk down memory lane -particularly the item about stepping on a lite-brite peg at 2 am. The only thing I am waiting for now is my kids to breed so my grandchildren can take my revenge on them.
God…my house has really thick carpeting everywhere except the kitchen, and my brother spilled a huge packet of lite brite pegs everywhere. The living room was like a minefield for weeks…
am i first?
hehe: apparently so
We’ve still got silly string stuck to the wall outside our back door from when I sprayed some on when I was 12. It won’t come off… We used to just use the bubbles in our kitchen, where everything could just be wiped down. I used to enjoy watching the Pokemon tv programs.
lol, what happened to the ‘no “first post” comments’ rule? Oh well.
Nice list, I remember I had more than half of these when I was a child. XD
dangor: haha you parents must have been thrilled.
genesis105: the rule is suspended for this list ONLY because it is Easter Sunday
Happy Easter everyone!
Great list! I completely agree with Pokemon.
PS. In pokemon, i think “caching” should be “catching”.
I could cook a delicious 2 layered mini-cake in my easy bake oven with no burn, and it wasn’t undercooked :]!
Toy drums or play- dough come to mind. Concerning #7 – don’t I know it. My daughter has done all that over the years. Opening those packages can make a parent go insane – if only for a few minutes. Cap guns too.
jbjr beat me to it – toy drums !!!
BishopWhiteT:
Spoken like a true parent!
The only thing left of this list is the dread live anything… but I suppose only ‘toy poodle’ would qualify.
The Barbie dolls made me laugh because I have a cat that has brought home 3 so far (some kid left her toys outside apparently) and they were all naked. LOL
Oh and glitter.
My kids had a TOTAL ban on glitter growing up.
Jacks and marbles always seemed to upset my parents. Also Pogs got on my parents nerves as well. I don’t know if it was the pointlessness of them or finding them everywhere even after they went out of style.
ct305: Pogs sound familiar but I can’t picture it in my head. What exactly are they?
i’d have to say the following deserve consideration, though i can’t argue with any that made the list.
Play-Doh
Legos – see description of both barbies and lite brite
anything that grows – live animals, chia pets, plants of any sort (especially the dreaded cactus).
haha…pogs. that’s a good one. pogs are essentially large fake coins…i have no idea what they were used for, but i think collecting primarily.
The POG fad was a brilliant marketing scheme that took a stupid game and made a ton of money.
The older ListVersers may remember Tiddlywinks – using one disk to snap a second, smaller disk into a cup. The disks in Tiddlywinks were all the same – single color plastic. In POG they were different, and collectable. And over priced.
When I was in college Winks was somewhat on the same level as beer pong.
http://www.tiddlywinks.org/
Thanks for reminding my problems with my kids. Reading this list will teach you how to laugh with your own misery.
By the way, I have no idea about #6.
Well written list, I enjoyed the humorous aspect of it all. In my experience electronic noisemakers which are almost all mainstream toys now, are the worst, I throw them out the next day.
My sister gave my kids a toy that I can not even remember the name of for the life of me. It was something like Tinny Time Choo Choo or Tunie Time Choo Choo or something similar. Anyway this wonderful train ran on batteries and it had little plastic disks that had bumps on them. You put a disk in and as the train chugged all around it played in a very hugh pitched whistle sound a song like Twinkle, Twinknle or Mary had a little lamb. And even if there was no disc in it made an even higher pitched whistle that was constant. I think that toy got lost.
Oh and we had gotten a talking Barney doll from someone. Barney is aweful. Anyway, the thing did not have a way to remove the batteries and the damn thing still worked 10 years after we got it. We found it when we moved and pawned it off on a neighbor.
I screwed up and got mine a rock polisher/tumbler/noise making machine..This thing had to run for almost 3 days to make a handfull of smooth shiny rocks. I put boxes over it and pillows to try and smother the noise. But dont dare turn it off and try to tell a 3 year old why her rocks are not shiny and pretty while mama and daddy are also not shiny and pretty from lack of sleep
DJ: I remember that machine… my brother got one for Christmas and he only got to use it once and then it mysteriously disappeared.
And you LIKE government?
I think any toy which contains glitter is infinitely more horrible than all of those put together. Beads may get around, but glitter ends up EVERYWHERE. Walking around with Glitter on your face all day isn’t a nice experience. Especially if you don’t know it’s there…
MY oldersister and her freinds… did stupid things out of boredom whenthey where 11 or so I was about 6 then and well lets just say this.. glitter and glue do not mix espically when feet are involved, and add beads inot that mess and you get… *drumrool* a mess that we were still cleaning up months later. It was the most terrible thing, and it got beads and glitter banned from my house.
Anthony:
True. When I said TOTAL (#12), it was close to absolute as a parent can get (rather damn close). Even if the kid came home from school with a glitter painted project – out it went.
They got over it … for the most part.
the barbie thing is hilarious! i remember i had several barbie dolls when i was young. first thing to do is strip em. next is shampoo the hair. when the hair dries, it just kind of gets whack! so i cut the hair. and the barbie becomes really ugly with the ugly new hair. so i throw it on the wall. and head and body separates. lol. the end.
You left off the bucket of the 50,00 toy soldiers and the 100,000 box of little plastic Legos. My step-nieces and nephews seem to spread those damn things everywhere when they came over despite the concept of the TOY ROOM.
And markers…shudder.
My nephew runs around with one of those god forsaken toy laser guns that flash bright lights and have that really annoying WEE-WEE-WEE-WEE sound.
I often wonder if the marketing team for all of the aforementioned products even have children of their own. If they do then they are just down right evil people.
Good list, my sister used to have more Barbies and accessories then Toys ‘R’ Us. I love kids and can’t wait to have my own! Happy Easter everyone!!
haha, this is so true.
i’ve experienced the bubbles, and the loud toys.
my son is only 2, so i still have a few more years before we hit them all. i’m sure my parents are trying really hard not to laugh everytime i complain to them about the bubbles, i remember it being one of my favorite things when i was little
lol This list made me smile and brought back some memories. I had almost all of this stuff! No wonder my parents are as nuts as they are
the barbie thing makes me insane. last christmas i got the boxcutter to cut those reinforced plastic coated metal twist ties. the best is the stupid hair, it’s sewn to the box!
glitter was also banned when i was a child. as were marbles, jacks, and legos. we have wooden floors and let me tell you, stepping on a duplo block not only hurts, but you slide, prolonging the pain.
my kids are about to dig into their easter baskets. my husband, the genius, got easter grass. i’ll be finding that until next easter.
for Christmas I bought my boyfriend’s little sister (and I mean little… there is a 26 year difference between them!) a paint set, a messenger bag, and a percussion set with bongos, maracas, and other various noisemakers. And you know what? I haven’t seen my boyfriend’s mother or his sister at our house since… coincidence? I think not…
p.s. I happen to paint all the time and have bongos myself… but maybe at the tender age of 6 is too young for such creative instruments…)
~ringtailroxy
man, pokemon, yu-gi-oh, digimon, all are annoyig as hell. I used to like them though.
You all forgot Wallwalkers. I remember waking up the parents and anyone in adjoining rooms Christmas Morning at 5 AM. (We used to stay in a hotel over Christmas, visiting the Grandparents). And they leave spit rings all over the walls.
Damn near as disgusting as slime.
Oh and the pyramid shaped block from Lincoln Logs, cleaved my heel damn near in half.
And dinky toys will absolutely smash the impeller on your very excellent, self powered, upright Hoover.
And any toy that is part of a marketing ploy for a cartoon series is automatically crap. Guaranteed not to work like the commercials, break within 15 minutes of opening it, and cause much disappointment and bawling.
Next we need a list of toys parents dread because it kills their children.
put them magnet toys on their and marbles and whatever the hell else stupid little children insist on eating.
Nice list though. Barbies are annoying to get out of the box. Can’t count how many times me or my parents almost died from almost impaling ourselves with the scissors trying to open the box.
Play-doh is another one. we were never allowed play doh because it was such a pain to get all the tiny little flecks of doh out of the carpet…
bag-0-glass.
i think kids should just be told that “barbie doesn’t get to leave her box sweetie, she’s been very very bad and must stay in there forever, but you can wave to her through the plastic window,”hello barbie, hello.”
bubbles and rednecks, mmmmm. yummy.
haha i’ve had every one of these at one time in my life. my mom always dreaded the beanie babies and play-doh. those barbies were a pain in the butt getting out. like someone said above me, their hair is freakin SEWED to the box.but i blew them up w/ bottle rockets last year for fun. =3
Ugh pogs. A pointless game of flipping over plastic coins with superhero-type pictures on them. “See how many I’VE got” etc. My poor mother is still finding them in my old bedroom and that’s after 15 years.
I also recall the fascination with board games like Mouse-Trap!, Connect Four etc, with pieces that just went everywhere, so that you had fifteen board games with missing pieces strewn in the most random places around the house.
Thankfully Pokemon was after my time, I’ve watched it and I so do not get it…
I don’t get it. Pokemon? Pokemon what?
Love this list. I hate it when my son gets a new noisy toy. Some are cute, but if i ever have to see the “up up Elmo” again i will have to shoot someone. My sons up up elmo vanished one day, i told him elmo went hom to his mommy and daddy.. hasnt asked for it sence.. thank god.
I just remembered this one:
Squeaky toys.
My father HATED when we got a toy that squeaked. I remember one time when we were on vacation in Florida and went to an alligator farm down there and I got a souvenir plastic alligator that squeaked and he flipped his lid after about a half an hour. He took it away and ripped the squeak apparatus out of it. I was upset at the time, but now that I am all grown up I totally understand why he felt that way.
I also just thought of another one:
Those damn See n Say things. We had one that ended up breaking and it would say weird stuff like “The purple cat says MOOO!”. Even when they work properly they become monotonous and annoying very quickly.
Ha ha! So true!
While not a parent, I have spent years working with children, and currently run the afterschool program of a daycare. If you think some of these toys are bad in the hands of two or three children, imagine a roomful of gradeschoolers let loose with noismakers and silly string brought in by one (obviously sadistic) parent as a birthday treat! And keeping that in mind, I would add to the list:
Yo Yos: They quickly turn into weapons as frustrated six year-olds discover that “walk the dog” is too difficult and “clock a seven year-old in the head while swinging a yo yo around like a mace” is much easier. Also, the strings get tangled, forcing the teacher to spend her time untangling them, rather than vigilantly preventing the aforementioned game from taking place.
Super bounce balls: Devastasting elements of destruction when employed indoors, quickly lost and cried-over when played with outside.
And finally, one my from childhood:
Slip and Slide: My parents would almost never let us play with ours, for several reasons: 1. It took forever to set up 2. It absolutely ruined the lawn around it and 3. No sooner would it be set up, than someone would slip-and-slide into the house, over a jagged rock, or into another child. They should have been packaged with directions to the nearest emergency room.
AmoAmare: I remember slip and slides. They were pretty dangerous.
What about the blatantly dangerous Lawn Darts? Anyone remember those accursed things? It only took about 5 or 6 kids that got lawn darts stabbed through their skulls for the toy industry to pull them from the shelves.
I had those for a short while lol.. *evil laugh*
My mom always used to trip out when people would get me nerf guns. Imagine a 8 year old kid, hopped up on pepsi, rambo blaring on the tv in the backround, and a gun to shoot ***** up(mainly the dog). Fun times
Every BB gun I’ve ever had has been taken away from me! I can’t help it if people get in my firing line.
Pokemon owns. My mum and dad spent a fortune on them for me. And then either threw or gave them away.
I think that Fubie should have made this list, I remeber getting one for Christmas and it would not shut up for three days straight!! I had to take the batteries out of it!
Mine is still in the house only to make werid sounds in the closet and scare the crap out of everyoen because no one ever got around to taking the batteries out, have you ever heard one of those things when the batteries are low? Taht will get a littel kid running.
chelsie: me too. I begged my parents for one, I got it, and after a few days it started it’s new life on a shelf collecting dust. /furbydie
I don’t remember the comedian but I remember the oh-so-true line…”Glitter is the herpes of the craft world”. We are very happy shiny people at my house.
Easy bake oven – telling girls their place since the 20th century. I actually had a toy oven. But you put goo in it and it made edible bugs. It was manly. Really.
*does press-ups*
Ten more reasons why I won’t have kids. Thanks
Rylan: at least if you had kids, you’d have an excuse to play with toys again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things I must add:
1. GLITTER
2. GLITTER
3. GLITTER
4. GLITTER
5. play makeup
6. GLITTER
and
….yes, I agree with Slip & Slides.
I was a tomboy as a kid, so when someone bought me glitter or play makeup, I would end up looking more like a sparkly *****ed off clown than anything. Open opening, even with care, you find glitter in very bad places for at least a few weeks. And it won’t be just you, the glitter-opener, it will be any innocent bystander as well.
As for slip & slides…my parents never actually bought me one, so a friend and I ended up stealing trashbags, taping them together, and spraying each other with a hose. I think at one time we got the genius idea of trying to use sleeping bags…until we ripped holes in them and got the spanking of a lifetime.
Ah, the fun (and pain) of childhood!
Ok, here’s my top ten. And yes, most of these have been mentioned, but they need to be reiterated for impact: 10. legos 9. bubbles 8. Barbie accessories 7. beads 6.play-do 5. silly putty 4. markers 3. lite brite 2. puzzles/games w/ small pieces 1. those magnet stick and ball thingys. I throw those away immediately. I tend to keep all legos & Barbie things, no matter how many times I step on them. I don’t know why. We must have thousands of them.
Awesome list! I loved my Easy Bake Oven when I was a kid. Every X-mas I asked for a Barbie Perfume Maker, but I never got one. I wonder why?
I love that comment by BrotherMan, “The purple cat says MOOO!” I was rolling from the laughter from that.. Good times.. Good times…