It’s Friday! So today we have a fun list. There have been some gory horror films throughout time, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of survival instinct. Here are some tips to aid the characters in surviving an impending slaughter and being part of yet another film cliche. Be sure to add some of your own survival tips to the comments.
Never enter a car without double checking the back seat for strangers. Also don’t check the boot until you have found a weapon that is strong enough to puncture it first. You never know who may be hiding in there.
If you have found a good hiding place, do not peek or think it’s safe to leave. However, if you are absolutely certain it is the perfect time to leave, examine your surroundings, especially the ground. The sound of a twig breaking, will cost you your life.
If you don’t have a weapon, run for your life, but expect to stumble or fall flat on your face at least twice. Even if you were the fastest runner in school and the monster is just power walking, it’s still moving quick enough to catch you.
If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.
If pets or relatives awake from the dead, don’t even try approach them. There is only one thing on their minds and unfortunately, it is not a family reunion.
If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.
If you discover that your home was inhabited by a murderer, someone who went insane or committed suicide, move immediately. Don’t take any chances. For all you know they could still be living there.
Never pair off or go by yourself. You’re better off taking on the monster as a group. In this case quantity is better than quality. Remember – if you go it alone or as a pair, you are setting yourself up for being part of one hell of a cliche.
Don’t try to take on the monster with your bare hands. Even if you have some wicked Ninja moves, showing off will get you nowhere. The killer will most likely have a weapon. So don’t even bother if you’re not armed.
If you think that you have killed the monster, make sure that you have decapitated it and severed each of its limbs. If you only have a gun, keep shooting at it in the head and heart until you have run out of ammo. Then reload and repeat. You will then need to burn it afterwards.
How about …
~Don't check what's under the bed. (it will get you)
~Don't get stuck with the pretty one in the group, becuase he/she is usually a twit and will get you killed. (great for sacrifice though)
~If you fall, don't scream "It's going to get me, someone help!" Get your ass of the ground and run! (this is the type of person who we wonder why we let them into our group)
This is a great list, cdnnknght! Wonderful comments as well.
Nuke it from orbit, its the only way to be sure
How about don’t show compassion to those who may inspire pity? Texas chainsaw massacre boiled down to a decision to either bury the dead girl, or dump her… If they had listened to the dude with no compassion, no one else dies.
Don’t forget: Never have *****! ***** = death.
the only exception is if you it's the beggining of the movie, your married, and your at your house. if it's in a car with a girlfriend, you are screwed, no pun intended
***** = Death? Have the *****. Yeah, I know. Just.. have the *****…
I’ve been waiting for the list this morning for ages since I can’t get back to sleep but it was worth the wait, very entertaining!!
LOL!
Don’t be the girl that has to check the door because she heard a noise and all she’s wearing is her bra and panties. Don’t be her! if you hear a noise, run the opposite direction!
Very funny list =D
And no drinking or drugs!
Item 9 Hiding—Don’t bother if you have been running hard and are gasping for air, have a tickle in your throat or nose that will need to coughed or sneezed out, or have had beans for dinner.
And don’t trust creepy looking old people..THEY ARE THE ENEMY!
Never, never decide to bring a “sample” of that new life form back to the lab to “research” it. If it’s Unique or never been seen before, it probably will only be happy if it is eating human flesh.
11. NEVER split up!
If you don’t know what you are reading…Don’t read it out loud.
@deeeziner (11): haha that is such a cliché! I hadn’t thought about it till now – so true!
@romerozombie (10): I think number 3 covers that
Don’t pick up the hitchhiker.
Don’t take the shortcut offered by the local gas station attendant.
He won’t show mercy, stop begging for your survival.
Never say “ill be right back”
Never say “I love you” for the first time
Never say “everything will be ok”
never say “i thought i saw something, but it was nothing”
very entertaining list.
never lust after/trust ‘the new kid in town’ who showed up right before strange things start happening
If u hear a noise, do NOT go investigate!
If you DO know what you are reading and read it out loud…you better know how to make IT go back into the book.
Never Say:
“I do!” – at a Wedding! – Its the best Survival Tip for the worst Horror Film in life!!!
If you hear a noise and absolutely have to go and investigate try switching some lights on instead of wandering around in the dark.
Never Say:
“Im sure its nothing!” – its always something
“They dont look so strong! or I can take him!” – the weakest are always strong
“Lets get naked and run in the forrest!” – need I say more?
“Lets call spirits!” – spirits dont like to be called
“I think we lost him!” – you never lose him!
“She loves me and wants to marry me!!” – good tip for all sorts of movies!!
Check the maintenance of your car before leaving town–
If you think it’s not gonna make the trip-you’re probably right.
If you think it WILL make the trip–you’re definitely WRONG!
Hmmm- Maybe you should just stay home!!
NEVER take the dare–Always a mistake for those “dying” to prove their bravery.
Haha! Really good list.
Bonus one: Don’t open the closet to see what may be lurking in there.
Check the boot?
Other Survival Tips:
- Always carry with you garlic, a sharp wooden stick and a gun loaded with silver bullets!
- Change your name and address after you have been targeted by a psycho. (Essencially for sequels)
- When you go check out what the noise was… GET DRESSED and put on shoes!!
- Dont accept anything or socialize with strangers!
- After you think you’ve lost “him”… KEEP RUNNING!
- Never protect the girl. Use her as a shield or bate!
- Dont go party at a quarenteened zone!
- Look ugly and smell bad… only the pretty ones get murdered!
- Dont trust *****s!!!
Umm… i’ll just go with…
Be a Christian, read the bible
god will protect you
and at least you’ll go to heaven if you somehow die from something
oh another one
don’t try to turn something off if it turns itself on
(nothing with the power to turn itself on likes being turned off)
“I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers” is not the way to go.
There are no KIND strangers in a horror movies.
10) Avoid Bridges
9) Avoid going into subway tunnels.
8) Avoid the middle of the city
7) Avoid helicopter rides
6) Leave your girlfriend to fend for herself.
5) Treat wounded people like they have the plague.
4) If you’re not the best looking member of your group, find an uglier group
3) if you’re the fat and/or ugly guy of the group, you have to be funny
2) Avoid standing right below, next to, or around the monster/alien
1) If you’re looking the monster/alien in the face, you’re gonna die.
Never whip out your guitar and engage in a *****-stomping jam session with an inbred banjo-playing boy. It’s a sure sign that someone in your party will be squealing like a pig.
Actually, from my experience, DON’T check to see if the monster’s dead. At least, stay the hell away from it even if you think it’s dead. IIf it seems to be immobilized, take the opportunity to run like hell.
Also, I don’t know how useful the advice in comment #27 is. The crucifix doesn’t seem to come in too handy in monster situations. You know, just based on the horror flicks I’ve seen.
Dont go into a Navy ship with sailors you just met at TGI Fridays expecting to be treated like a lady!!!
If you’re going to run, don’t run upstairs or try to get onto the roof. You know the monster’s blocked the escape route. I’m willing to compromise on this one only if you’re in constant radio contact with a helicopter crew that’s landing momentarily.
@warrrreagl (29): your 4 and 3 are priceless!
@Hannah (33): come on! You know that something ALWAYS goes wrong with the chopper at the last minute. I say avoid choppers entirely!
Find a tree
Climb the tree
Stay up the tree
¬___¬
Yeah its never suprising to see the chased victim knock out the predator them go back and poke at them to see if they are really dead and be surprised to be captured again. All too common scenario in horror flicks!
While in your bra and panties–”I’ll just go upstairs/down to the basement (Alone) and check it out.”
A wonderful list–Thanx
Nice!
10!
Keep up the good work folks….and remember no matter what happens…….DON’T LOOK BACK….RUN!
For the Killer/Monster/Alien: While you still have the element of surprise, kill the best-looking people first.
Are those Merryl Streep and Goldie Hawn in #1? Hhhmmm… What was the title of their movie w/ Bruce Willis?
Cool list btw!
Find tree
Climb tree
Stay up tree
5) no nude swimming at night, especially out to the dive raft.
4) take a long kitchen knife into the shower.
3) if your dog won’t go near to the door, you shouldn’t open it.
2) the laboratory in the basement is not a safe zone.
1) never eat anything presented to you in a covered dish … by a butler … who limps…
never sleep in bunk beds as you are asking for trouble.
Haha, classics.
I think comments have everything covered here.
41: it was “Death Becomes Her”
Great list btw
@warrrreagl (29): “…4) If you’re not the best looking member of your group, find an uglier group…”
Mostly applicable to females, especially blondes
If you hear violins get out of the shower
I really did laugh. Great advice!
cool list… i will totally study this…
Mitch Hedberg:
I’d be a really bad mechanic. If someone told me their car wouldn’t start I’d say, well maybe there’s a killer after you!
“If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.”
So we need to merk all the Pentacostal churches in our area?
“If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.”
Monsters are never good at grammar. (Who wrote this list anyway?)
Know that if you shoot at the monster/alien/bad guy, you will either hit him and nothing will happen or you’ll miss him entirely. But if the monster/alien/bad guy shoots/stabs at you, they WILL get you, and insane amounts of blood will then be produced, at which point your significant other will magically show up and scream his/her head off, making the monster/alien/bad guy become aware of their presence so he can chase them.
dumb ass list
I love Mitch Hedberg!
If it’s dark and that can’t be avoided bring more than one flashlight and LOTS of extra batteries. It doesn’t matter if they are brand new and you just checked them and they are fine. They will drain completely and you will be boned.
Grab the biggest gun you can possibly find/hold/operate.
Listen very carefully to the ambient music. That can be a very big hint about the type of situation you are in and how soon you will die.
Don’t wear white. This will guarantee you being chased in the rain, pool, well, ocean, bay, and or sprinkler.
funny list, brought a smile to my face
Watch your pet(s) closely… if they’re growling at your guest(s), hack their head(s) off with a machete. (The guest(s), not your pet(s)).
It’s probably best to take off and nuke the site from orbit.