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Top 10 Survival Tips For People In Horror Flicks
- Published June 12, 2009 by cdnnknght - 215 Comments
It’s Friday! So today we have a fun list. There have been some gory horror films throughout time, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of survival instinct. Here are some tips to aid the characters in surviving an impending slaughter and being part of yet another film cliche. Be sure to add some of your own survival tips to the comments.
Never enter a car without double checking the back seat for strangers. Also don’t check the boot until you have found a weapon that is strong enough to puncture it first. You never know who may be hiding in there.
If you have found a good hiding place, do not peek or think it’s safe to leave. However, if you are absolutely certain it is the perfect time to leave, examine your surroundings, especially the ground. The sound of a twig breaking, will cost you your life.
If you don’t have a weapon, run for your life, but expect to stumble or fall flat on your face at least twice. Even if you were the fastest runner in school and the monster is just power walking, it’s still moving quick enough to catch you.
If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.
If pets or relatives awake from the dead, don’t even try approach them. There is only one thing on their minds and unfortunately, it is not a family reunion.
If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.
If you discover that your home was inhabited by a murderer, someone who went insane or committed suicide, move immediately. Don’t take any chances. For all you know they could still be living there.
Never pair off or go by yourself. You’re better off taking on the monster as a group. In this case quantity is better than quality. Remember – if you go it alone or as a pair, you are setting yourself up for being part of one hell of a cliche.
Don’t try to take on the monster with your bare hands. Even if you have some wicked Ninja moves, showing off will get you nowhere. The killer will most likely have a weapon. So don’t even bother if you’re not armed.
If you think that you have killed the monster, make sure that you have decapitated it and severed each of its limbs. If you only have a gun, keep shooting at it in the head and heart until you have run out of ammo. Then reload and repeat. You will then need to burn it afterwards.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:36 am
How about don’t show compassion to those who may inspire pity? Texas chainsaw massacre boiled down to a decision to either bury the dead girl, or dump her… If they had listened to the dude with no compassion, no one else dies.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Don’t forget: Never have sex! Sex = death.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:40 am
I’ve been waiting for the list this morning for ages since I can’t get back to sleep but it was worth the wait, very entertaining!!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:41 am
LOL!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:41 am
Don’t be the girl that has to check the door because she heard a noise and all she’s wearing is her bra and panties. Don’t be her! if you hear a noise, run the opposite direction!
Very funny list =D
June 12th, 2009 at 1:47 am
And no drinking or drugs!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Item 9 Hiding—Don’t bother if you have been running hard and are gasping for air, have a tickle in your throat or nose that will need to coughed or sneezed out, or have had beans for dinner.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:58 am
And don’t trust creepy looking old people..THEY ARE THE ENEMY!
June 12th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Never, never decide to bring a “sample” of that new life form back to the lab to “research” it. If it’s Unique or never been seen before, it probably will only be happy if it is eating human flesh.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:03 am
11. NEVER split up!
June 12th, 2009 at 2:04 am
If you don’t know what you are reading…Don’t read it out loud.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:08 am
@deeeziner (11): haha that is such a cliché! I hadn’t thought about it till now – so true!
June 12th, 2009 at 2:09 am
@romerozombie (10): I think number 3 covers that
June 12th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Don’t pick up the hitchhiker.
Don’t take the shortcut offered by the local gas station attendant.
He won’t show mercy, stop begging for your survival.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Never say “ill be right back”
Never say “I love you” for the first time
Never say “everything will be ok”
never say “i thought i saw something, but it was nothing”
June 12th, 2009 at 2:24 am
very entertaining list.
never lust after/trust ‘the new kid in town’ who showed up right before strange things start happening
June 12th, 2009 at 2:41 am
If u hear a noise, do NOT go investigate!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:02 am
If you DO know what you are reading and read it out loud…you better know how to make IT go back into the book.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:05 am
Never Say:
“I do!” – at a Wedding! – Its the best Survival Tip for the worst Horror Film in life!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:11 am
If you hear a noise and absolutely have to go and investigate try switching some lights on instead of wandering around in the dark.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:15 am
Never Say:
“Im sure its nothing!” – its always something
“They dont look so strong! or I can take him!” – the weakest are always strong
“Lets get naked and run in the forrest!” – need I say more?
“Lets call spirits!” – spirits dont like to be called
“I think we lost him!” – you never lose him!
“She loves me and wants to marry me!!” – good tip for all sorts of movies!!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:15 am
Check the maintenance of your car before leaving town–
If you think it’s not gonna make the trip-you’re probably right.
If you think it WILL make the trip–you’re definitely WRONG!
Hmmm- Maybe you should just stay home!!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:18 am
NEVER take the dare–Always a mistake for those “dying” to prove their bravery.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:18 am
Haha! Really good list.
Bonus one: Don’t open the closet to see what may be lurking in there.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Check the boot?
June 12th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Other Survival Tips:
- Always carry with you garlic, a sharp wooden stick and a gun loaded with silver bullets!
- Change your name and address after you have been targeted by a psycho. (Essencially for sequels)
- When you go check out what the noise was… GET DRESSED and put on shoes!!
- Dont accept anything or socialize with strangers!
- After you think you’ve lost “him”… KEEP RUNNING!
- Never protect the girl. Use her as a shield or bate!
- Dont go party at a quarenteened zone!
- Look ugly and smell bad… only the pretty ones get murdered!
- Dont trust Strippers!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:34 am
Umm… i’ll just go with…
Be a Christian, read the bible
god will protect you
and at least you’ll go to heaven if you somehow die from something
oh another one
don’t try to turn something off if it turns itself on
(nothing with the power to turn itself on likes being turned off)
June 12th, 2009 at 3:34 am
“I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers” is not the way to go.
There are no KIND strangers in a horror movies.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:44 am
10) Avoid Bridges
9) Avoid going into subway tunnels.
7) Avoid helicopter rides
6) Leave your girlfriend to fend for herself.
5) Treat wounded people like they have the plague.
4) If you’re not the best looking member of your group, find an uglier group
3) if you’re the fat and/or ugly guy of the group, you have to be funny
2) Avoid standing right below, next to, or around the monster/alien
1) If you’re looking the monster/alien in the face, you’re gonna die.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Never whip out your guitar and engage in a shit-stomping jam session with an inbred banjo-playing boy. It’s a sure sign that someone in your party will be squealing like a pig.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Actually, from my experience, DON’T check to see if the monster’s dead. At least, stay the hell away from it even if you think it’s dead. IIf it seems to be immobilized, take the opportunity to run like hell.
Also, I don’t know how useful the advice in comment #27 is. The crucifix doesn’t seem to come in too handy in monster situations. You know, just based on the horror flicks I’ve seen.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:52 am
Dont go into a Navy ship with sailors you just met at TGI Fridays expecting to be treated like a lady!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 3:57 am
If you’re going to run, don’t run upstairs or try to get onto the roof. You know the monster’s blocked the escape route. I’m willing to compromise on this one only if you’re in constant radio contact with a helicopter crew that’s landing momentarily.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:03 am
@warrrreagl (29): your 4 and 3 are priceless!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:06 am
@Hannah (33): come on! You know that something ALWAYS goes wrong with the chopper at the last minute. I say avoid choppers entirely!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Find a tree
Climb the tree
Stay up the tree
¬___¬
June 12th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Yeah its never suprising to see the chased victim knock out the predator them go back and poke at them to see if they are really dead and be surprised to be captured again. All too common scenario in horror flicks!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:13 am
While in your bra and panties–”I’ll just go upstairs/down to the basement (Alone) and check it out.”
A wonderful list–Thanx
June 12th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Nice!
10!
Keep up the good work folks….and remember no matter what happens…….DON’T LOOK BACK….RUN!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:27 am
For the Killer/Monster/Alien: While you still have the element of surprise, kill the best-looking people first.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Are those Merryl Streep and Goldie Hawn in #1? Hhhmmm… What was the title of their movie w/ Bruce Willis?
Cool list btw!
June 12th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Find tree
Climb tree
Stay up tree
June 12th, 2009 at 4:39 am
5) no nude swimming at night, especially out to the dive raft.
4) take a long kitchen knife into the shower.
3) if your dog won’t go near to the door, you shouldn’t open it.
2) the laboratory in the basement is not a safe zone.
1) never eat anything presented to you in a covered dish … by a butler … who limps…
June 12th, 2009 at 4:57 am
never sleep in bunk beds as you are asking for trouble.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Haha, classics.
I think comments have everything covered here.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:11 am
41: it was “Death Becomes Her”
Great list btw
June 12th, 2009 at 5:14 am
@warrrreagl (29): “…4) If you’re not the best looking member of your group, find an uglier group…”
Mostly applicable to females, especially blondes
June 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am
If you hear violins get out of the shower
June 12th, 2009 at 5:27 am
cool list… i will totally study this…
June 12th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Mitch Hedberg:
I’d be a really bad mechanic. If someone told me their car wouldn’t start I’d say, well maybe there’s a killer after you!
June 12th, 2009 at 5:36 am
“If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.”
So we need to merk all the Pentacostal churches in our area?
“If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.”
Monsters are never good at grammar. (Who wrote this list anyway?)
June 12th, 2009 at 5:37 am
How about …
~Don’t check what’s under the bed. (it will get you)
~Don’t get stuck with the pretty one in the group, becuase he/she is usually a twit and will get you killed. (great for sacrifice though)
~If you fall, don’t scream “It’s going to get me, someone help!” Get your ass of the ground and run! (this is the type of person who we wonder why we let them into our group)
This is a great list, cdnnknght! Wonderful comments as well.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Know that if you shoot at the monster/alien/bad guy, you will either hit him and nothing will happen or you’ll miss him entirely. But if the monster/alien/bad guy shoots/stabs at you, they WILL get you, and insane amounts of blood will then be produced, at which point your significant other will magically show up and scream his/her head off, making the monster/alien/bad guy become aware of their presence so he can chase them.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:03 am
dumb ass list
June 12th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I love Mitch Hedberg!
June 12th, 2009 at 6:18 am
If it’s dark and that can’t be avoided bring more than one flashlight and LOTS of extra batteries. It doesn’t matter if they are brand new and you just checked them and they are fine. They will drain completely and you will be boned.
Grab the biggest gun you can possibly find/hold/operate.
Listen very carefully to the ambient music. That can be a very big hint about the type of situation you are in and how soon you will die.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Don’t wear white. This will guarantee you being chased in the rain, pool, well, ocean, bay, and or sprinkler.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:27 am
funny list, brought a smile to my face
June 12th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Watch your pet(s) closely… if they’re growling at your guest(s), hack their head(s) off with a machete. (The guest(s), not your pet(s)).
June 12th, 2009 at 6:45 am
It’s probably best to take off and nuke the site from orbit.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:56 am
For crying out loud! Do not I repeat DO NOT run Upstairs where are gonna go when you’re up thre unless offcourse you’d rather commit suicide than face the monster/killer!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I always double check the back seat (and surroundings) before I get into a car… Am I weird?
@callie19 (57):
June 12th, 2009 at 7:05 am
@Caroline (56): “Listen very carefully to the ambient music. That can be a very big hint about the type of situation you are in and how soon you will die.” Exactly, why don’t they ever notice the creepy music?
June 12th, 2009 at 7:09 am
“It’s probably best to take off and nuke the site from orbit.”
This is how I’ve always tried to live my life…
June 12th, 2009 at 7:10 am
If someone in your group is a “comedian”, stay away from them.
They will be dead shortly.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:15 am
It always drove me crazy when someone would be running from someone walking slowly and they always caught up with them!
June 12th, 2009 at 7:17 am
@Caroline (56):
second that on the music
when you hear a boom, shoot/stab/whack behind you before even looking
make sure you have the most action and is nice to others.
meanies and people with little action are usually the supporting actors who get killed very quickly
make yourself the main character so you don’t get killed
June 12th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Re #3 travel in numbers, unless of course you’re in the movie The Happening, in which case you DIE in numbers.
i’m quite shocked no one has mentioned the Scream tips:
Any movie with a tagline: “Don’t Answer The Phone. Don’t Open The Door. Don’t Try To Escape.” should be quoted here.
Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
[crowd boos]
Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.
[crowd cheers and raises their bottles]
Randy: The sin factor! It’s a sin. It’s an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, “I’ll be right back.” Because you won’t be back.
Stu: I’m gettin’ another beer, you want one?
Randy: Yeah, sure.
Stu: I’ll be right back.
[crowd cheers]
Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I’ll see you in the kitchen with a knife.
thanks imdb.com
June 12th, 2009 at 7:19 am
This is dumb
June 12th, 2009 at 7:24 am
If there is more than one attractive female in your group make sure you’re the one wearing a white t-shirt.
Try not to be black/asian/any other ethic origin other than caucasian, the racist monster will generally kill you first.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:25 am
If you think you hear a friend/boyfriend, and call them by name–if they don’t answer after two calls, it isn’t them. RUN!
Don’t go looking in mirrors. Things have a way of popping up behind you.
Shower=death. Or possibly sex, then death.
If you’ve managed to get a door between you and the whatever that’s chasing you, do NOT lean back against it. That arm is coming right through to grab you.
Do not be fat, pathetic, obnoxious, or really, really horny. These act like pheromones and give the evil whatever a h–d-n for you.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Wow, I didn’t think I could laugh today, but between the list and the comments, I am rolling. Stop it. It’s bad for my general disposition.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Avoid your mother in laws invite to supper, while your wife is in hospital – this could be your worst nightmare ever.
Nice list and comments.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:36 am
If you are a great looking blond, get covered in slime and try to seduce the monster.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:43 am
If you’re the pursued chick and you have someone like Jason or Michael Myers bearing down on you with a chainsaw, turn around and offer/perform oral sex on them. This will completely confuse the hell out of them because they won’t know WHAT to do.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:43 am
What movie is the last picture from?
I remember seeing it when I was like 8… this is going to annoy me all day.
And, to be on topic, Yellow eyes/frothing at the mouth/clothing made from human skin/excess body hair/creeping about in the dead o’ night = nasty murderer chappy.
And the call’s always coming from inside the house!
June 12th, 2009 at 7:49 am
zululand, I think that’s just good advice in general! Who has nice dinners with their in-laws? lol
This is a really good list! I would also say don’t scream if there is liquid coming towards you. It always amazes me how people can be screaming while and evil monster/person is hacking someone to bits or there’s some sort of spewing liquid coming towards them. Duh! Run and keep your mouth shut!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Great List!
Don’t go upstairs!!! And don’t answer the phone!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Haha great list!
The cliches in films reallyyy annoy me, like when they go upstairs.. why trap yourself? Or when they hear a noise and go and investigate.. just run!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:37 am
to comment 76: the movie is death becomes her, someone has already said that in another comment
June 12th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I love this list. Also, thanks to the person who mentioned Mitch Hedberg. I fell in love with his comedy on you tube last year and wanted to find out where he was going to be performing next. Sadddest fucking thing ever.
Only one person mentioned that it is deadly to be black? WTF? They’re always killed fist. Prejudiced fucking monster/zombie/alien/psychos.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:47 am
@General Tits Von Chodehoffen (69):
your name shows your lack of creativity and is therefore ‘dumb’.
anyone named ‘Tits’ is probably the one needing to find an uglier groups of friends…
rtr
June 12th, 2009 at 8:49 am
# 77 smuschie – I agree with you, but this is a supper invite from the mother in law only as her husband died 5 years ago.
The late husband was a retired biology boffin, and every time we HAD to visit it was quite eerie.
They lived 20 clicks out of town next to a forrest, and it was scary driving up to the front door , there was a fowl with 3 legs roaming around the 1 pig they had used to bark at you as you got out of the car.
I swear he had a lab. there somewhere.
Then ” she ” would appear with soiled T shirt and levies with tuffs of black hair sticking out of the t shirts shorts sleeves.
I would rather take on a monster than that heavy breathing tabacco shewing hag.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:52 am
avoid vincent price, bela lugosi, peter cushing and christopher lee.
stay away from small towns in maine/new england (especially place with names like ’salems lot or dunwich).
oh, and for pete’s sake look UP occasionally.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:02 am
-If you are stuck with a person that won’t stop screaming and draws the monsters attention to you, tell them to shut the fuck up, and if they don’t, physically stop them from screaming. They will thank you later.
- Don’t try to be too nice. If you and your group are hiding in a safe place, don’t risk everyone’s lives by trying to save some stranger in need that you saw through the peephole. They will either be the monster in disguise, or lead the monster to you.
- Don’t assume that there is only one monster.
- If you notice something, but think you’re wrong, or that it means nothing, it will most likely turn out be something extremely important that could have helped you.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:06 am
How about…
Never breath a sigh of relief (as soon as you do, the games up).
Never try to ‘remove the mask’ to see what’s underneith.
Never cut through dark alleys.
Never feed anything after midnight.
Never seal yourself inside a lab.
Never say ‘I picked the WRONG day to give up smoking’.
Never go out for a stroll – anywhere! – in the full moon.
…Always.. wear a white bloodstained vest..
…and NEVER under any circumstances, accept an invitation which reads ‘come up to my castle for coffee and liqueurs – open-necked formalware required – I’ll supply the wine. Hugs and Kisses. The Count.’
June 12th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Probably the wrong list on which to say it, but if you are a super-villain you should set your Doomsday Device to go off with 0:08 seconds left on the clock.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:27 am
it is a simple formula really…
be whiter, prettier, faster, smarter than everyone else in your group. and generally speaking you need to be male. sorry ladies.
if this doesnt’ currently describe the group with which you are about to go camping with, partying in the woods with or swimming in the black lake with you need to actively change your group. or end up with a machete through your head.
those are really the only options.
oh, if you find yourself in some sort of undead situation. once you have found a good place to hole yourself up in with ample supplies. do not leave, for any reason. wait until the obviously not undead people show up in a helicopter, or some other military transport, with guns blazing before you breach the walls which have protected you thus far.
and for crying out loud, pay attention to the ambient noise/music.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:32 am
[This is a little off the subject] But, when I saw the Thriller music video, I used to always think, “I would just jump in line and start dancing with the zombies…smack a few high five, do the point and shoot [nice side steppin zombie #3!]…” LOL – when it’s all said and done, just walk away and make a joke with a pun they would all get, like “hey guys – I’d like to hang – but I’m dead tired.” Then we would all laugh and promise to see eachother later.
I would have survived that music video. The creepy house scene NEVER would have happened to me.
…but, since I was a kid then – I would NOT have survived Michael Jackson.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Haha Amy – I think they did just that in Shaun of the Dead. Of course someone did something to blow their cover – but points for the attempt at least.
Don’t forget to stay clear of the blast zone when killing zombies or other mutant/monsters. You just never know how contagious they are. Don’t be wanting any bodily fluids to some how contaminate you. Next thing you know you’ll be munching on your best friend.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:53 am
#1 is so true…..
Never under ANY circumstances think the killer is dead. If you hit him in the head and knock him out, cut him into pieces, strap dynamite on him, soak his body in gasoline and set him on fire. Every slasher movie is guilty of giving that false impression that the killer is dead only to have him get up and slit your throat. That’s why I stood up and clapped at the end of a movie called Otis. Watch it and you’ll see why; that’s how your supposed react when you suspect that the killer is nearby.
In zombie movies, ditch the person who got bit. Even if it’s your wife, mother, kid whatever. If you feel that attached to them and can’t kill them, die with them, don’t keep it a secret and put the rest of the group in danger.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Amy (89):
@mom424 (90):
In other words, use a condom Amy.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Number seven is awesome. Almost all “good guys” in scary movies do the stupidest things like those mentioned. I always side with the less compassionate person in those movies…they always seem to have the better opinions on how to survive.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Love this list. Really funny, as are the comments. Here’s another few pieces of advice:
Never EVER go to an abandoned anything- amusement park, castle, warehouse, house, etc.
Also, if you are about to open a door to look behind it, stop and think “If I were watching myself in a horror movie right now, would I be yelling at the screen ‘don’t open the door!’?”
If there seems to be anything even slightly off with the child that is with you, get as far as you can from him/her. It does not matter if they are your son or daughter. Just go.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:42 am
don’t walk around your house in underwear or revealing clothing. It attracts them.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:46 am
For zombie movies:
DO run upstairs (never higher than the second floor), but before you do, bring your guns, ammo, food, axes, clubs, bats, golf clubs, machetes (you need something when the guns misfire eventually), extra clothes, a backpack, and some duct tape. And some rope. Wear as much denim or leather as possible (so they can’t bite you), and grab some safety glasses and a nose/mouth mask. Once you get everything there, DESTROY THE STAIRS. Completely. They won’t be able to follow you, and on the off chance they can, you can pick them all off. Also a good idea – A giant sign that says “I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!!!” This will help you to not get shot by rescuers. And careful with the damn torches! Flaming zombies or careless people will set the hideout on fire!
Other movies:
- If your car breaks down on a lonely road, grab some weapons and get out of there. If you see a dilapidated house with no signs of life, DON’T go see if there’s anyone home, but if you do, NEVER go into the house!
- Lights are key. People don’t get killed under floodlights.
- Don’t stick around to see what that strange sound or shadowy figure is.
- The basement is a TERRIBLE place to hide, but a good place to trap the monster.
- Get a dog, and pay attention to him. Especially if you’re alone.
- Cops are almost always intensely stupid, and the military is almost always evil. Roving civilian posses are your best bet, though guys in sleeveless plaid shirts and trucker hats should always be avoided.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am
The funny jewish guy is always one of the first to die.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I don’t agree with ‘travel in numbers’. If you want to make sure you’re that one person alive at the end of the movie leave everyone else to get each other killed and get the hell out of there ALONE!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
And close your curtains, then at least you can’t see the killer with a scary mask staring in the window!
June 12th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@ringtailroxy (82): You know why its dumb? Because its a list of common sense, and not entertaining. Also my name kicks ass, and is quite creative. Im not sure why you are talking about ugly friends…
June 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Walk softly and carry a big flamethrower.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Greetings from Monterrey, Mexico.
Cool list, well… i had read better ones (here of course). TGIF!!!
I love the bizzare ones!!
Oh, and come to Mexico!! jejejeje
June 12th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
If you are all alone and you hear a noise, dont call out “Is someone there?”
That’s just stupid.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I didn’t see it, but how about, “Always listen for the scary music and react appropriately.”
June 12th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Never take a shortcut that doesn’t appear on your map.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Get rid of your cellphone. When you try to use it to call for help, your will get no signal. But when you are either hiding or sneaking, it will ring, alerting the monster to your presence.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Avoid being the geek. Geeks are the first to die… very entertaining list….. LOL
June 12th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
When I saw the list I thought.. oh great.. more horror movie clips that I can’t watch or I’ll gag/throw up my lunch… thanks for not having the clips. My intestines thank you…
Here’s my tip…
Don’t be the prettiest girl in the group… she’s the one who always gets laid first, gets wet first in her white t-shirt with no bra, has to run around in her underwear, and has to do all the screaming till she finally gets her head whacked off.
As the second prettiest girl you get to wear clothes (albeit tight short shorts and tank top with no bra — but they won’t be white), you get to kill at least one of the bad guys, you get to look (sorta) smart, you won’t have to bleach your hair blonde for the role, and you get the hero at the end of the movie (although that’s only implied). Still … it’s a bonus.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
@danchristman (106): Classic!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
82 ringtailroxy
Stop being such a criticizing troll. You’re always putting people down for the most mundane of reasons.
Say something about the list or nothing at all.
cheeze and crackers… what a blow!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I don’t know if someone mentioned already. But the name of the movie is not DEATH BECOMES HER. It’s Death comes to her…. very nice list!! greetings from Mexico
June 12th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I would have liked examples of movies for each survival tip.
Another tip: Never wear a red shirt. You’ll be the first to die.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
@catchick (110): You, RTR, and Gen. Tits have one thing in common – you are completely free to criticize whoever you like…
June 12th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
kk Lifeschool..
You’re completely right…rtr’s comment just grated…
Apologies rtr…
June 12th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@luismenort (111):
Uhm, no… Actually, the correct title in English is, as has been mentioned by everyone, DEATH BECOMES HER… As in, death looks good on her.
You might have gotten a funny translation in Mexico (it happens to all of us in LatAm, in some movies you cannot even begin to decipher what the original title was)… Just out of curiosity, what name did you get in Spanish? For me it was LA MUERTE LE SIENTA BIEN which basically means the same thing as the original.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
ok from just about all the horror movies i’ve seen:
1. Don’t be black they always die first. it’s not fair.
2. Don’t be a white woman they always trip and fall
June 12th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I have 2:
1. If someone gives you a video and tells u that if u watch it, u will get a call within 7 days and then u will die, don’t take the video, don’t watch it. why risk life even if u think the idea is absurd
2. Don’t go out into the forest to do a documentary on evil entities and record it on your hand held camera. Not only will u and ur friends never be heard from but we will get nauseus (sp?) watching the video.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
1. NEVER EVER GO INTO AN ABANDONED HOUSE IN A FOREST!!!!
2. IF THE TV SWITCHES ON SAY YOUR PRAYERS!!!!
3. DONT PICK UP THE PHONE WHEN IT RINGS AT NIGHT!!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Oh and I’d like to add, horror movies should always have hot women with or without bra and panties in promiscuous sex scenes because it’s an integral part of the file genre. It also makes ths usually corny flick watchable.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Assume that right when you have gotten inside an locked your front door, you have just locked yourself in with the killer. This way you won’t be startled when he is standing RIGHT behind you.
Also don’t put the chain on the door, fumbling with that stupid thing will be the end.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
If they don’t tell you what the food is or whats in it, don’t eat it.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Also, if your friend is sitting on a chair and won’t answer you, don’t go and see if he/she is ok.
Stay with the smart people who know what they are doing.
Don’t be a police officer.
Don’t go into the water.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
eddie izzard, of all people, provides some good horror film survival tips.
“the forest of death and blood? is there a story behind that?”
“yes, everyone who goes there dies of death and blood”
June 12th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@jayhawk (120): Finally! I can’t believe it took until comment 120 for someone to point that out. My advice would actually be… Never go outside to “take a look around” as that’s when the killer will sneak into your house. If you absolutely must open the door to take a look, don’t step away from the doorway. This way they can’t sneak in behind you.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Tips for survival.
1. Always be the guy who just escaped from prison. No one will trust you, but you will be willing to do what it takes to survive.
2. If you wake up in a strange room with a talking doll on a TV, do exactly what it says. Pain is better than death.
3. Be the guy everyone makes fun of. You will survive and get the girl if she is still alive.
4. If you are in a closet and the killer/monster doesn’t check there, it will leave the room until you sigh and then appear in front of the door and break it down.
5. Your car will not start until the monster/killer is almost to your car, so don’t be in such a rush. And when you do drive away be ready, he will be around the first corner you take so don’t swerve or hit the brakes.
GO FASTER!!!!
6. If the girl of your dreams shows up in your room in the middle of the night, don’t get exited, It’s not her and you are dead.
7. If you hear a child laughing when you are the only one home, you are dead.
8. Kill the guy that no one suspects. He is always the killer.
9.If someone falls and says “Go on without me.”, then do what they say.
10. If you are the monster/killer, just be patient because the person will break all of these rules.
June 12th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Never hide in a cupboard or a walk-in closet – especially those with slats that you can peek through.
The first thing you should do when picking up a gun is to TAKE THE DAMN SAFETY CATCH OFF. Then fire a warning shot. If the gun goes ‘click’ you then have three seconds to sort it out, or lob it at the floor (with the barrel pointing towards your attacker); as it’s now bound to go off.
If everything goes dark all-of-a-sudden, never strike a single match and wander over to the junction box.
Finally, if you are ever trapped in a room by ghosts, go around and smash everything you can before they lob them back at you. ….And if you must jump out of the window to your death, grab a bed mattress and jump out with it – then you’ll have a 50/50 chance of survival.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
If you are watching a video and there is a little girl with wet, stringy, black hair crawling closer and closer towards the camera, run from the room and lock the door from the outside. She is coming through the television and she will kill you.
If you see any children with stringy black hair lurking in strange corners who don’t answer you when you speak to them, don’t assume they need your help. Run! They are undead and thus beyond all help – and they will kill you.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
how about dont go towards the mysterious loud music?
June 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
(82) – General Tits Von Chodehoffen has the best name on listverse.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
LOL nice… i’ve always thought it would be a good idea to play dead if you have been shot or wounded… I never understand why people get shot and are super weak, and still try to get up and kill the monster when they are obviously about to die. If you play dead the monster might think you’re dead and go away.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Oh and don’t hide in places where there is no other door to escape out of like a room with no windows that goes outside. For example bathrooms, closets, etc.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
If #5 was followed by everyone, Harry Potter wouldn’t have survived the second movie.
June 12th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
@Amy (89): I love it!
My only two cents – Run the heck AWAY! And don’t stop until you pass the state line!!!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Honey I’m home!
Honey? You there?
Meh, I’m gonna get naked and take a shower.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
@kat (130): Of course! I shudda remembered that one
June 12th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Nice list
June 12th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
my only survival tip is pack a lot of drugs and get high…
at least you’ll die in peace…
June 12th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
MY GOD!!! So Funny!! LOL, permit me to re-post it in my blog will ya?…please? thanks. Just wanna share to my friends in indonesia.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
LOL =D I’m gonna freak out now.. JK *checks under the bed, in the closet, and behind the door for strange men with chainsaws JUST IN CASE*
June 12th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
GET LAID. Virgins will always get sacrificed first.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Anything that you ever thought was cute…will now try to kill you!!
http://pryankleid.wordpress.com/
June 12th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I only see 2 people bitching about this list… you know who you are.
Never use the elevator, it will get stuck.
Scratching noises mean you are just seconds from a painful death.
Try not to make friends with ANYONE attractive. Do things that will make them be rude to you. However, this could go either one of 2 ways. If you decide to do this, start packing heat, but carry several extra ammo rounds.
1 clip or ammo magazine is never enough. Stockpile.
June 12th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
@Lister (129): Thanks man. At least someone knows a good name when they see it. ringtailroxy could learn from you haha
June 12th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
@Corey (2): “Don’t forget: Never have sex! Sex = death.”
Corey, could you please stop talking to all the women I date.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Never walk into a dark room and yell out “Hello”. Why do they always do that? Yup, that’s it, give yourself away a soon as you walk through the door. What’s that, why don’t you yell a little louder.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
This website used to make me feel smart. Now it’s just weird and random
June 12th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
You forgot: Throw old vinyl collection at zombies.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:01 am
@Geek Porn Girl (147): Lol, that didn’t work all that well though
June 13th, 2009 at 2:40 am
if you see any special news on tv NEVER change the channel
funny list
June 13th, 2009 at 2:55 am
@145 and why don’t you turn on the lights instead of a torch? The murder may use the light of the torch to locate you.
June 13th, 2009 at 3:57 am
If the scuzzy restroom at the gas station still looks better than the scuzzy dude running the place..You’re in the wrong small town and you might as well kiss your ass goodbye now.
June 13th, 2009 at 4:34 am
I found it amusing. o.O
Especially the “Don’t be a Hero” part, my dad told me that many times. xD
(Y)
June 13th, 2009 at 5:08 am
If your in a tiny american town that’s packed with Hillbillies and isn’t on the map, kiss you ass goodbye, they are going to eat you.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:28 am
-If you are a girl, never wear revealing clothes at night, you’re gonna hear something creepy outside your room. If you do, never check it out.
-Always lock your car when your leaving it. Always check your car keys AND have a regular car maintenance. OH! When all else fails,be sure you know how to start the engine without the car keys.
-When you hear creepy music, run away from it immediately.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:29 am
And, Such an entertaining list! XD
June 13th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I love the picture you used for number 1. Death Becomes Her is so good!
June 13th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Pretend to be one of the enemies.
Is that alright?
June 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
LOL at the picture in number 6: they forgot to zombify his stomach!
June 13th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@JAB (158):
Haha, I noticed that too. Anyone know what movie #7 is from?
June 13th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@sarsmi (159): X-Men 2
June 13th, 2009 at 11:36 am
@ruparuparumpi (138): Yeah go for it
June 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
When running from the monster/psycho killer, do not stop at the first gas station you come to and ask for help. The proprietor will be a relative of the killer, an accomplice, or the killer himself.
Don’t stop for help until you are at least 3 counties away.
June 13th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Honestly, I was thinking this was going to be a rehash of that tired list from “Scream”. Thank you for the fun surprise, cd!
June 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
IF YOU ENTER A DARK ROOM, TURN ON THE LIGHTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
June 13th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
DON’T OWN A CAT. It’s really that simple.
Monsters, Killers and other creepy things are attracted to cats. They will ONLY enter a house, ship, whatever if there is a cat somewhere nearby. They either like cats or, and this is more likely, they like the diversion that a cat creates so that they may properly administer their particular form of terror.
As a side item to this meta-rule, if you do own a cat and you were recently spooked by it darting out of a cupboard, you are marked for death. Run.
With a dog, you at least have a fighting chance. No guarantees, of course, because sometimes monsters mistake a dog for being a cat. This is rare, but never overestimate the intelligence of a monster.
June 13th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Devotees of horror movies might also like to check this list out: http://listverse.com/2007/09/20/5-reasons-that-we-love-cheesy-horror-movies/
June 13th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
27 Rufus
June 12th, 2009 at 3:34 am
“oh another one
don’t try to turn something off if it turns itself on
(nothing with the power to turn itself on likes being turned off)”
Dude that’s CREEPY…yer freakin’ me out!
June 13th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
If there is a thunderstorm, the power WILL go out. And it will always be at night!
Great list – I used to watch a lot of horror films looking for one that would actually scare me instead of making me yell “STUPID IDIOT!” at the screen the whole time. I only found a very few.
Now I hardly ever watch them, but it’s fun to laugh about them.
June 13th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
In all horror movies there is a rotary phone. They always tap the receiver over and over again hoping that will reconnect the line. I always yell, “That doesn’t work!” at them. If they would just listen to me then they would save precious seconds and maybe be alive.
June 13th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
The way I see it, talking dogs are the only sure-fire death-repellents. Specifically, ones that have the perpetual munchies. They make the rules about not doing drugs and avoiding abandoned castles/farms/mansions null and void, apparently…
June 13th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
With regards to #3 “travel in numbers”, I suggest making sure you can run faster than at least 2 of them. Fun list.
June 13th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Zululand and Travis are my new heroes.Marriage,in-laws-give me a zombie any day.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Don’t run UP the stairs. Just common sense, people! Also, you may not want to walk backwards. If you think someone is following you, just quickly peek over your shoulder.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:20 am
It may have been mentioned in earlier posts, but never smoke pot or have sex! These are the characters that have a lesser value in the movie, and are therefore weaker somehow.
Ever noticed how the one or two people who always survive these horror movies are the smart, nice boys and girls who are the moral center of the group? Think about it the next time you go camping.
June 14th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Only go to places that have four bars on your cellphone.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:43 am
“Only go to places that have four bars on your cellphone.”
LOVE IT!
Also: If your car breaks down or you experience some other inconvenience in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, and you go to the only house for 10 miles looking for help, but no one answers the door, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don’t just wander into the random house to look around!
I never understood that in movies! Who does that?!
June 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am
If you are visiting someone in their home and you hear a voice say “Get out!” then for cryin’ out loud, DO IT!
June 14th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Never run away upstairs, unless you’re in the basement. Don’t run away to the basement. The closer to the first floor, the better.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
LOL #177! I’ve tried saying “Get out!”, but I usually have to call the cops or pay them to leave!
June 14th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
One thing not mentioned, but terribly important: never, ever, ever, go down the dark staircase, into the dark cellar, or even into a dark room. There’s always something or someone hiding in there.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:11 am
NEVER NEVER
June 15th, 2009 at 3:13 am
sorry about above; but don’t do this to me again I am going to have nightmares for months now, I can’t watch horror movies even Jaws scares me
June 15th, 2009 at 11:37 am
tip: if you are running away from the monster and trip or fall dont be stupid and just turn to the monster and scream without getting up
example:
lady:*running* *trips and falls*
monster continues walking as slow as possible a mile away
lady:*doesnt get up and just turns to monster and scream for 2 hours until the monster is just close enough and kills her*
June 15th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@GTT (115) I’m sorry about posting that, I was about to erase it when I got a phone call (ups! accidentally pushed Intro, before correcting). I had already checked it on IMDB. To answer your question, in Spanish it’s the same title you told me. LA MUERTE LE SIENTA BIEN. It’s a great film!! one of my dark humor favorites.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Look like Jamie Lee Curtis.She survived those Halloween movies.
Now she is a spokeswomen for a product that make women crap on a regular basis. Go figure !!
June 15th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Does anyone know the names of the films for #8 and #1? It would really mean alot to me. Saw them as a kid and have always had those movies in the back of my mind here and there.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:26 am
@ffxivictor (186):
8. The Relic
1. Death Becomes Her
June 17th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
How about don’t run up the stairs when you can easily go out the exit. Why does everyone run up?
June 18th, 2009 at 12:26 am
simple survival rule for every occasion
SHOOT/KILL FIRST… ASK QUESTIONS LATER
June 19th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Helicopters ALWAYS get blown up somehow.
Don’t try to travel or esape the city on foot.
If you are part of the military and everyone in your group is wearing helmets that conceal their faces, take off your helmet. It is always safer.
If there is a group with a couple in it, stay away from that group.
If anyone boasts that the monsters will never be able to get them, you can be certain that the monsters will get them.
If a small part of the group demands to break up and leave a safe place, do not go with that group.
Avoid nice old houses.
Unless you are part of it, do not expect any help from the military.
If you start to think that a place is safe, it’s not.
Places that are practically the most resources are most likely the most dangerous.
Always lock your doors.
911 is busy or unavailable, don’t even bother calling.
June 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Thank you! <3
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
#1, if you’re a minority ur chances of survival are almost nonexistent.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
If you are light-skinned you have a shot if you a dark female you have shot if your black guys your chances drop to almost zero But if you are a tall buff black guy stay behind the white blond female at all times and of the bad guy comes remeber your not buff enough to take him toss the little blond and run like a lion is after you don’t worry about the little 9 times out of 10 something will happen and she will survive you will not keep running.
AND DO NOT LOOK BACK YOU WILL DIE
June 24th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Can someone please tell me what movie is #9 and #7 from???
Please and Thank you =)
June 25th, 2009 at 6:31 am
This is so funny… My number one answer would be “Don’t open the door!!! And if you do, don’t open it a second time!
June 27th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
if the background music changes be sure to find something that can cause a serious amount of damage, ie an axe
June 29th, 2009 at 5:53 am
If you reach a fork on the road that has you confused, don’t try to be a smart-ass, just turn around and haul your ass out of there the way you came.
Never stop your car during the night on a lonely road even if you see a familiar face.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:51 am
How bout if you hear a noise don’t walk stupidly forwards saying ” Hello… hello is anybody there” as of course there’s someone there fool
July 4th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Zululand is still my hero but after reading about Travis bag the rat game in the comments on dangerous sports i think he might scare me more than marriage or zombies.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
And dont you all forget, do not, NOT bake cookies fora little girl who sits at your door asking for money, they will not understand what a cookie is so they will cut off your head with it, – i have that experience – I AM THAT LITTLE GIRL
July 16th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
….
Ok…. I’ll, um, take your word for it.
o.o
July 20th, 2009 at 3:47 am
never say “I’ll be back”, because chances are you won’t be.
July 20th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
always always destroy the brain…always bring something with you that will easily destroy the brain, such as a machine gun, a dynamite, atomic bomb or at least a photo of michael jackson…it will definitely destroy the brain figuring out if it’s human or not
July 20th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
when an animal jumps straight to you after you shouted ” Hello anybody there”, do not assume it was the cat/mouse/dinosaur etc… because after that someone will appear right at your back to either sodomize you or just cut your head off…silly cliche
August 6th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Lifeschool (86) “Never go out for a stroll – anywhere! – in the full moon.”
But I ONLY go out for walks in the full moon! :p
August 7th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Always trust the overly qualified, kind mannered cop thats carrying to much weaponry. You know he will go and take on the beast while you run for your life.
“GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE. TAKE THE GIRL. TELL EVERYONE WHAT HEAPPENED HERE. SAVE YOURSELF…. ect.
August 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
no drugs sex or alcohol or else jason will come and get you and murder you in a brutal fashion
August 13th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Never, EVER go to check out that mysterious noise you hear.
That’s really important.
August 19th, 2009 at 5:06 am
be the cameraman for the hot reporter
better yet be the hot reporter
and if you have a camera your chances of survival go up a little bit
August 21st, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Wow nice list, especially number 2. I’m a trigger happy addict
August 30th, 2009 at 9:59 am
”If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately.” lol
September 30th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Do not ever touch the creepy/stray animal. Its cuteness or the fact that its hungry is not your damn concern. Never have sex in a tent in the woods. You will both be impaled by the killer. Never tease the weird girl at school esp if she begins to hang out with other losers and they suddenly become popular. It is most likely that they’ve sold their souls to the devil. If u stumble on the killer hacking your wife/husband/child/friend DO NOT scream out your agony. Run the fuck away! These ppl can be replaced and you can have a wonderful memorial for them in due time. Never ever hit the killer just once! Wat are u thinking? Ensure that you destroy the body and crush the limbs. If the killer comes back you are out of your league and may need to consult a priest. Also. Imaginary friends who tell your kids weird things are maybe demons who will cause u a world of trouble. Have them cast out immediately or leave the damn house. If you’re THAT rich then you can afford to move.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
hah thats funny like half of these are in the new movie Zombieland
classic !
November 15th, 2009 at 12:12 am
other important lessons…
Never open that mirror door on the medicine cabinet while the shower is running. This only gives the axe murderer a chance to sneak up unobserved…
Never go Upstairs/Downstairs. the homicidal maniac will always be on the other floor.
Don’t start a relationship with one of your co stars. one or both of you will die.
Don’t do things that Hear say and warnings say not to do.
Don’t dust things off creepy old crates in the basement, epecially plant matter such as a 4 leaf clover.
When the mythical creature tells you to give them their property back, Just do it…
lways listen to the naive, dim one when they say they say something. just because it sounds absurd, doesn’t mean its not true.
January 11th, 2010 at 7:37 am
- go speak to the. reepy person u met at the start of ur epic adventure who you thought was the killer but actually isnt, they always seem to know a lot about the killer/monster but was to much of an asshole to tell you about it.
awesome list