Top 10 Tips to Commit the Perfect Crime
Published on August 16, 2007 - 119 Comments
Every year in virtually every country, crimes go unsolved - and sometimes undetected. When someone commits a crime of this type it is called a perfect crime. This is a list of ten tips to perpetrating the perfect crime. I am sure it doesn’t need to be said, this is not meant as a reference for criminals, but rather as an entertaining look at crime and detection.
1. DNA
DNA is the surest way to prove you committed a crime. It is absolute imperative that you do not leave ANY DNA behind you and that is very difficult. The best solution to this is to commit your crime in a place that is likely to have a lot of DNA from strangers. For example, a park, a mall, anywhere that a lot of people tend to gather. Finding your DNA will be like finding a needle in a haystack.
2. Relationship
The large number of crimes committed are committed by someone close to the victim. The police know this well and they know who to question. Your best bet here is to pick someone as random as the victim. This is especially true if murder is your crime of choice. Don’t be tempted to commit your crime against someone you only know in passing - it must be a total stranger.
3. Proximity
This ties in to point 2 - commit the crime in another town. You don’t want to travel so far that you can be connected because you took a trip - just far enough that you are outside of the main area of interest to the police. You also don’t want to be on the road for hours before the crime as you may become tired, or after the crime as you may still be on the streets when the big investigation begins.
4. Type of Crime
Chose your crime carefully. For example, you are almost certain to get caught if you try to rob a bank. Chose a crime that can be committed in the early hours of the morning or that can be done very discretely during the daytime.
5. Evidence
Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime - what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime. It doesn’t matter if the police know the crime happened. If your crime involves a gun or weapon of some kind, use it and drop it. Leave it at the scene. If you follow point 7 this will not be a problem. If you kill someone, leave the body there. Do not touch the body at all. Do not move the body and do not try to hide the body. And just in case you haven’t understood that last part - that includes using a vat of acid. If you have stolen something, you need to get rid of it as quickly as possible and if it is money, don’t start spending up large - you will draw attention to yourself.
6. Timing
Timing is everything. The best time to commit a crime is in the very early hours of the day when most people are asleep. If you do follow this instruction, remember that you need to look like you are not out of place on the street. That means no full face coverings. The selected time is important when you come to purchase your tools.
7. Tools
First off, you need good thick gloves. The thin ones are not good enough as they can split and it is possible to leave fingerprints if they are sufficiently thin. Do not use anything you own and do not buy brands you normally buy unless they are very generic brands. This means you need to go shopping. Shop out of town and shop in large department stores where you are less likely to be remembered. Remember: very common brands only. You must pay in cash and you must destroy any receipts, or shopping bags. After the crime is committed, destroy everything you bought as quickly as you can and don’t do it in an obvious way, like having a bonfire in your back yard when you have never done so before. Wait at least one month from buying your goods to committing your crime.
8. Alibi
It is wise to have an alibi - though not essential if you have followed all the other rules. It doesn’t hurt however. One way you can do this is to plan an out of town trip and book your hotel and rental car with your credit card. Sign up for a convention and attend. Try to use a hotel with no cameras. In the early hours travel to the place of your crime, commit it, and return. Enjoy the remainder of your holiday (on your credit card) and return home the next day.
9. The Getaway
If you are committing the crime in the early hours, the best mode of transport is by bike. This will enable you to get off the roads if you need and to travel quickly. You do not want to be seen on the street walking (remember, the Zodiac nearly got caught this way) and you don’t want to be the only car on the street at 2am! Take regular cycle clothes and wear them. In the case of murder, if you have dumped the murder weapon you should not need to worry about evidence if you do get picked up. Wear an iPod and maybe a fresh packet of cigarettes - you can always say you were out getting smokes as you couldn’t sleep.
10. Aftermath
First of all, do not watch the television and avoid the papers. The police can use these as tools to try to psych you out. Avoid these things for at least a month. Do not celebrate in any way - continue about your every day life. Do not brag about your crime to anyone (that includes posting here in the comments!)
One final tip: if you do get arrested, this does not mean you have failed to commit the perfect crime. If this happens, do not speak. The police need evidence to convict you - if you have done the job right, there won’t be any. Don’t help the police with testimony. Remember, the court needs to find you guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Oh - and if you do get convicted, you might want to read this article on the top 10 tips to surviving prison.
In case you are wondering how I know all this… re-read point 10! Okay, I am kidding. Really.
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1. Me - August 16th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
You forgot “Trust No One.” Try to make everything you do a solo act. People cannot be trusted to keep quiet when threatened with jail or something else.
2. jfrater - August 16th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Me: that is true - I presumed that people would assume that from the fact that the entire article was written with one person in mind. Definitely trust no one.
3. Kyouki - August 17th, 2007 at 2:34 am
im keeping this in my stumbleupon saves…who knows when i’ll need it…right?
4. Dan - August 17th, 2007 at 3:00 am
Kind of funny how this is posted soon after the prison survival tips. Interesting, though.
5. brennan - August 17th, 2007 at 4:26 am
thanks for the pointer about bragging. i know we all have a problem with that in tennessee. you’re at a barbeque, you’ve kicked back a few heinekins, and before you know it: WHOOPSIE!
6. jfrater - August 17th, 2007 at 8:57 am
brennan: that is hilarious. It seems to happen every time I am at a bbq as well.
Dan: it seemed fitting
Kyouki: hopefully never
7. Ikon - August 17th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
If you used the internet to research your crime online (who whould do that…) don’t forget your ISP keeps records for up to 5 years in the US so use a proxy or Tor and wipe your hard drive 7 times (NSA standard)
8. jfrater - August 17th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Ikon: that is true - thanks for bringing that up. It is probably not even safe to use an anonymizing server. I would suggest going to an Apple Store in the next town to do your research. All Apple stores have full internet on all of their demo machines. You often see people using the Apple Stores as a free internet Cafe.
9. Chris - August 18th, 2007 at 3:03 am
If someone was willing, I think it would be an excellent idea to fake your own death in order to commit your crime.
10. jfrater - August 18th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Chris: the only difficulty with this is hiding the evidence of the crime - it would be pretty hard to hide from everyone you know or to remain undetected if you flee the country.
11. Vicky - August 19th, 2007 at 3:26 am
The think is that if murder is your crime you most likely have a motive and that motive will make you pretty obvious. I also agree with chris on faking your own death. Might be kind of difficult though.
12. jfrater - August 19th, 2007 at 7:40 am
Vicky: that is true for sure - which is probably why most murderers are caught. I plan to do an unsolved murders list at some point.
13. markeymark - August 20th, 2007 at 6:12 am
I stole a pack of M&Ms once when i was a kid and got away scott-free!
14. angelat25 - August 20th, 2007 at 11:21 pm
Just a quick note on the Alibi part, most the hotels that have electronic key cards will have a log of what times the key is used to enter and leave your room so choose a hotel with a regular key. Just make sure not to use this info so you can kill ME!!
15. Sullivan - August 21st, 2007 at 12:17 am
As many have said, it is true, crime is a solo act. That should be one of the top things in this list; People can’t shut the f*ck up. YOu probabley learned this in High School. YOu tell your friend something private, and WHAM! Comes right back to bite you in the ass.
16. jfrater - August 21st, 2007 at 7:47 am
angelat: that is true - you are best using a mom&pop hotel that doesn’t have the new high-tech stuff
Sullivan: I think we all learnt that one at some point. Trust no one! (as our first commenter said).
17. anonymous - August 22nd, 2007 at 2:54 pm
God knows all. Everything has a consequence.
18. red x - August 24th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
If you are comitting a murder if the cops find the gun and ties it to the murderthey can use the serial number and tie it to you sooo scrach off the number!!!!!!!!!!
19. Sam - August 24th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
#11 Do NOT you ever think about Committing a crime.
20. jfrater - August 24th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Sam: I do mention that on the previous article about surviving in prison - but you are right to mention it here too
Thanks.
21. inanytime - September 5th, 2007 at 11:10 am
great list!
i found this point very important — Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime - what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime.
22. chris - September 26th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
red x:
scratching off the serial number won’t work anymore, they can perform tests on it, kind of like x-raying the metal and it shows stress marks at the microlevel that can identify numbers. Think of writing a letter on a notepad, if you erase it and even tear off the top sheet you can still see the indentations in the lower sheets. same concept here.
23. rae - October 2nd, 2007 at 1:09 am
throwaways! Throwaway cell phone, gun, clothes
mom n pop motel - bad idea! they’ll remember you. go for midlevel - better than a Motel 6, not a Hilton, find one hosting a convention or football (any sport) fans, get lost in the crowd.
ditto inanytime!!
24. jfrater - October 2nd, 2007 at 1:33 am
rae: hmmm, methinks you sound like you are talking from experience! Not breaking rule 10 I hope?
25. Juggz - October 20th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Catch up on prison break episodes so if you get caught, you’ll have a plan to break out of prison.
26. LisUni - November 3rd, 2007 at 7:29 am
What if someone has had a blood transfusion or a bone marrow transfusion? Since there is the original DNA from the donor, how does this affect the recipient? What kind of DNA would now be in their blood? So, if they were to commit a crime and leave blood at the scene, to whom would they trace the blood? Also, since there is talk of a fat virus or fat gene, if the donor has this then would the recipient now have it? Is it possible for a person receiving a blood transfusion to suddenly gain weight because the donor has some sort of weight problem associated with a virus or gene for weight gain? Could someone get diabetes or lupus this way?
27. LisUni - November 3rd, 2007 at 7:29 am
Sorry, I meant to say bone marrow transplant.
28. Ozhan - November 12th, 2007 at 6:03 am
Well, I read on web that a man falsely accused of crime with DNA proof then it turn out that he had an operation (I think it was bone thingy)
By the way, FBI also misidentified a fingerprint a few years ago.
29. Mathew - November 21st, 2007 at 7:21 am
In most of the films, the probability that a finger print found on the CS is the same as yours, is always around 98%, so there is a slight chance that it is someone else’s. After all, we’re with 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, so two identical fingerprints should be possible (or am I wrong?).
30. jfrater - November 21st, 2007 at 7:55 am
Ozhan: bone marrow transplant? That is very interesting.
Mathew: it is possible but I don’t have data to verify one way or the other. I guess if two people do share the same print, it is extremely unlikely that they would be on the same print database though.
31. Ashan - November 21st, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Not enough to go further commiting a crime
32. anon - November 26th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Like in the movies that we all have seen:
- Create a major diversion to send police in the opposite direction while you commit your crime.
- Leave evidence that will shift the blame towards someone else.
- Kill all witnesses and anyone that knows about the crime including your partners.
33. Mystern - November 30th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Mathew: Having done studies into palmistry and criminal justice I know that the only way to have duplicate fingerprints is with identical genetic makeups. Ex: identical twins. However it is possible to have your fingerprint mistaken with someone else’s. Fingerprints are identified by the endings of the ridges and any oddities within a given fingerprint. Thus, if you have around 95% of the same endings of your fingerprint as someone else, for all intents and purposes you have the same fingerprint.
I’d also like to add to the list to do your research. I know a guy who tried to rob an ATM once and, having not done enough research beforehand did not know that ATMs have a safe inside them where all the money is stored, though that should have been obvious.
34. jfrater - November 30th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Mystern: thanks for your comment - it is always really great when someone with expertise in a subject posts here.
35. Mystern - December 3rd, 2007 at 1:39 pm
jfrater: I’d hardly call myself an expert, or for that matter really having any expertise. I’ve just taken a few classes on a very broad range of subjects, including palmistry and criminal justice. In retrospect the phrase “Having done studies” is quite misleading. Sorry about that.
36. Matt - December 11th, 2007 at 2:50 am
Cannot be done. You will leave something. A hair, a drop of sweat. If you do this in public, good luck NOT being on camera. ATMs take pictures every second, many streets have cameras on street lights, malls and parks have them.
Unless it’s a bed and breakfast, there will be a camera at the hotel/motel you stay at, even if at the front desk. Can’t buy a gun, gotta register and all that, and depending on the bullet they can narrow the field in what gun fired it, plus they’ll track who might have bought a gun recently.
Picking a random stranger to kill? Well, that is hard to do. You’d have to plan ahead if you want to commit the perfect crime, so you’d have to work out time as well. Good luck finding a victim under ideal conditions.
A bike? That’s even more out of place than a car. If anyone is looking outside, they will wonder why someone is riding a bike at that early hour.
This list…sucks. It won’t help at all. While focusing on what not to do, someone’d do something they should’t have. With DNA and criminal pathologists, sorry, no more perfect crimes.
37. jfrater - December 11th, 2007 at 2:54 am
Matt: Sure there is a much greater risk nowadays of being caught with forensics - but a perfect crime does not have to undetectable - it is still a perfect crime if you don’t get caught and lots of crimes go unsolved every year in all countries
38. Ross M. - December 19th, 2007 at 2:50 am
If you do happen to commit a crime and it isn’t perfect, you might consider reading this sarcastic guide to prison survival:
http://www.voont.com/prison
For example here’s how the guide describes the hole:
The Hole / The Boo Box
You don’t want to go here! If you are very bad the warden will put you in the box. Some examples of what can get you put in the box: Escape attempt, punching another inmate, messing in your pants, sexually assault on yourself or another inmate, kicking another inmate, poking or prodding another inmate with a writing implement, and talking out of turn
interesting no?
39. jfrater - December 19th, 2007 at 3:08 am
Ross: that sounds hilarious
40. butcher - December 28th, 2007 at 6:01 am
(english third language)
TOP 5 TIPS
1. CONDOMS yes people latex cover urself in it prevents dna from contaminating crime scene
2. Take hair form someone else and put it at crime scene
3. PSYCHOLOGIST yes see a shrink(btw i have a masters in psychology and im only 20 :),even if u get caught ull get a much lighter sentence
4.RESISTANCE - TO THE BLOODY END FIGHT UNTIL UR LAST BREATH
5.cbf send me email and ill send u a proper list with much more detail
41. el duderino - January 2nd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
In my experience, blood splatter is the hardest thing to control while still enjoying your crime. Have you ever tried to get blood out of a clown suit? It’s not easy.
42. Fidel - January 13th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
We’ll I killed JFK and they still haven’t gotten to me! Oh yeah and that guy Franz Ferdinand, I took him out and didn’t get caught on that one either! Didn’t think I’d start a whole world war over it though. I guess I can just really pick ‘em! Since I am going to retire now as a highly accomplished assassin, I will give you all my secrets. These are TOP SECRET so don’t tell anyone else or do something stupid like post them as a comment on some blog or something. Okay here goes:
1. Use a butter knife or a spork. If they catch you, you can whip out a can of Spam and start eating. Subterfuge rocks!!!
2. Always kill someone who’s name you can spell. Nothing worse trying to remember how to spell Tqumaambiado Biakabatuka. Then again if you do get busted most of the judge and jury members will probably just let you go for doing the world a great service by getting rid of a major spelling inconvenience for all of those airport courtesy phone operators and overworked copy editors. So uh, just scratch that one…
3. Always bring lots of attention to yourself. Everybody hates the guy who just screams “look at me” and they usually don’t give that guy the time of day. Here is what I usually look like: I have purple hair with the left half of my head half shaved, a face full of tattoos, most of which are of Kenny G, Liza Minelli, and Leonardo Di Caprio dressed in drag, very tight pink spandex shorts, and a t-shirt that says “You can’t have manslaughter without laughter!” set in flashing pink LED’s. This outfit exudes ordinary so I’ll obviously need something that will draw attention. I can’t tell you what because then you’d be able to spot me but let’s just say that not everybody has an entire swarm of trained locusts following them through the mall. Get me? Ain’t a person in the world that’ll remember a guy like that!
4. Remember that sometimes it helps to take a little nap before you leave the crime scene so that you’ll be focused and well rested. I always bring along a nice feather pillow so that no matter where you knock that poor soul off at, you can rest in comfort. Another nice tip is that the body will still be fairly warm so it makes for a good snuggle buddy or hand/foot warmer if it gets a little chilly. Worked for Luke Skywalker on Hoth, it’ll work for you here. And remember, the colder it is, the fatter the victim. You don’t want to turn into an ice cube because you killed some Karen Carpenter looking chick.
5. Bring condoms with you so if you off a really hot chick you can check her out real well after you waste her. And really how dead is dead? I mean if she was alive only a few minutes ago then it’s not really necrophilia, at least not until she gets all stiff and stinky and stuff so you have at least a good 15 or 20 minutes to enjoy yourself and show her what you’re all about. Good way to practice those tough Kama Sutra moves too.
Well just some advise from a seasoned professional to keep you all at the top of your game. Happy Hunting!
43. kay-kay - January 19th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
ROTFLMAO
Fidel: one word WOW
thanks for the tips i’ll let you know if it works
44. Scuba Steve - January 24th, 2008 at 1:40 am
I suggest commiting your crimes near a body of water. Wear a wetsuit and stash an air tank nearby. The wetsuit will help keep most of the DNA from being left at the scene, such as hair. Just make sure you leave your flippers with the air tank as they are hard to run in. After you do whatever it is you plan to do make a dash for the water, picking up the air tank on the way, and dive in to make your escape.
45. Tomo - February 1st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
This is a great list. Watch out x-wife!!
46. devilishgrin66 - February 15th, 2008 at 1:50 am
For murder -
Kill people that wont be missed or reported missing, ie homeless and drifters.
Have a surefire way of disposing bodies - ie acid or burning
Never follow a pattern - kill a black woman with a knife, a white man with a gun, an indian transsexual with a harp…etc.
Don’t stay in one area - the larger the area you encompass, the less likely your crimes are to be linked.
47. guilherme.kinni - March 6th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
For murder a person with a link to you, do this:
1- Use a knife.
2- Have a secure way to enter his home.
3- Use plastic in order to cover your clothes, totally.
4- Use clothes to cover all your body.
5- Kill fast.Don’t give time to the victim scream.
6- Kill everyone in the home.
7- Burn your shoes and the plastic.But do this in your home.
8- The best time to kill is around 3 A.M.
9- Have a secure way to escape the house.
10- Put DNA of various different people in the home, along with yours and the police will see it have been planted.
11- Caution with the floor, is for this reason you have burned your shoes.
48. jfrater - March 6th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
guilherme.kinni: OJ - is that you?!
49. cocololo - March 19th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
this list is creepy… the being said, well put together. just in case i ever decide to murder someone (not so much), i’ll let you know how it goes, ROTFL!!!!!!!!
50. Rylan - March 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 pm
“Put DNA of various different people in the home, along with yours and the police will see it have been planted.”
That’s the worst advice ever.
51. Andrew - March 24th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
It’s funny to think that dumb people generally commit crimes and smart people don’t. instead they make lists on the internet on how to commit them.
hmmmm tempted to be dumb though…..
52. parker - April 7th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Fingerprints will NOT be the same on identical twins…their DNA will be same, but not their prints.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fingerprint
53. Dr.A.Rap - April 13th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hey guys police are stupid !
they are not C.S.I , they won’t go and search all this and do this and do that they are so lazy lmao you can commit a crime right under there nose and they won’t even notice that
54. MrStabby - April 19th, 2008 at 3:52 am
Well I’ve been getting away with all those WMDs I’ve hidden in Iraq, Saddam was just a patsy.. A patsy I tell you Ha ha haaa!
55. lulu - April 30th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
wow u ppl suck dont kill anyone i was looking on here for a crime cene project
56. Unnamed player - May 3rd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
firstly, fingerprints are not caused by your genes.
they are caused by chemical reactions in the womb and as such twins will usually have extremely different prints, with prints being random and all.
if you really want to confuse the police you can easily make fake prints using a computer, an inkjet printer, wood glue and a bit of time. if you re-print an image over the top of itself it will sink deeper into the page, making indents. apply the wood glue to this and allow to set. then remove the paper either by ripping and scrubbing or just desolving in water. and there you have it, apply some oil from your own hands and you have an oily fingerprint. you can even take them from the victim if you have enough time.
second, most electronic lock systems have a very simple flaw, they only record card swipes. exiting does not require this, so you can exit at any time of the night, then sneak in through an alternate enterance to the front foyer, leave again through the front foyer, to be seen by the bell boy or such similar person, then return after heading to shops or some such thing. this leaves you with someone saying they saw you leaving your room, when they in fact only saw you leave the hotel, and usually some video camera proof.
another thing to remember is that people will generally accept a minor bad in the place of a major, so ‘you killed him, didn’t you?’ can be answered with ‘no way, i went out with a few friends and had a few cones. i cant really remember much of that night but i had a fair bit to drink too.’ works especially well for younger people, under 18 in most countries, 21 in US.
57. whatthefuck - May 8th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
this is sick
58. Ammon - May 20th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Looks like the idea is in everyone’s head… Does anyone wonder if things would be better if there were a lot less people in the world?
59. Erm.. - May 22nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Less people in the world? That’s less people to kill, rob and abuse! Why would you want that? Lol.
Perfect crimes are few and far between, you really have to plan this shit out, I’m not talking about stealing a mars bar from the corner shop.
If it’s money your after, old ladys are your best bet, most collect pensions on monday mornings, they can’t do fuck all. DNA is not so much of an issue as police will not go into too much effort as long as you don’t commit in the same area repeated. Dress like a particular group, wear a tracksuit and a hoody up with dark glasses, all she can say was he was quite tall with a hoody and tracksuit bottoms. Police will get nowhere. Good luck guys.
x
60. kittymama - June 9th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
>>>if you really want to confuse the police you can easily make fake prints using a computer, an inkjet printer, wood glue . . .
Indeed, I’m confused already!
61. jussanuddername - June 9th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Good Lawyer/dumb jury
Think :OJ
62. Chamale - June 26th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I heard of a guy who was caught when he told a TV psychic something only he would know - that he had committed a crime.
63. killer - July 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 am
excellent guide
64. frodo - July 16th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
The only way to get away from crime is to crime again and again until nobody touches you, come on is that not what the politicians do. And since once a crime u r a criminal so it does not matter how many crimes you do.
65. Myself - July 29th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
IS this really sick or what??
66. knight_forked - July 31st, 2008 at 12:31 am
Now if there’s a perfect crime somewhere we have a couple of suspects ;-)…but I bet the bastard would just read and not post here if he is that smart…hehe.
67. rym - August 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
such OF FUELS AND CRIMINALS DICOSTING AMERICANs U DONT HAVE TO KILL PEOPLE JUST LIV IN PEACE COZ THIS IS NOT RIGHT N U KNOW WHAT THEIR’S NO PERFECT CRIME THE POLICE WILL CATCH U EVEN AFTER 20 years believe me n ,then think of god n think of family of the person that u’r gonna kill. oh my god !!!!!u’r talking about killin peoole like ur talkin about killin insects
68. SlickWilly - August 4th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
As an American, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we do not generally take an argument seriously if it is not meticulously spell-checked, proofread for grammar, and then given a once-over for general jack-assery. You failed on all three conditions. Good day, sir.
69. Gimme a break - August 10th, 2008 at 4:29 am
Some of this made me laugh and some made me cringe (ie that you would think of murdering random people). What the f… are you turkeys smoking?
70. Azrael - August 13th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
i disagree wif get rid of the murder weapon as if found it will provide police with a valuable clue and can be used to trace u in many ways, i’d say keep it with u but hide it sumwer and if police suspect u then get rid of it sumwer wer it will be nearly impossible to find such as out at sea
71. whoami - August 17th, 2008 at 11:32 am
No wonder everytime I watch tv it is about crimes of murders. Damn there are a bunch of low lifes. Not smart enough to just commit a crime for money unless murder is involved. Sheesh this world is dumb
72. Dr. Awkward - August 28th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Here’s a tip for the people who responded in a shocked fashion: Get a sense of humour.
PS: There is no god.
73. Johnny C. - August 28th, 2008 at 11:18 am
What a useful list.
74. fountain.of.info - August 28th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
the way to commit a truly perfect crime is to hire some one to do it and then kill them
75. Me, Myself & I - September 13th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Kill a rapper on a busy street, loaded with CCTV, Tupac, for instance - no one will ever really try to investigate.
76. MDWhite - September 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Good God, are you people serious or are you so addled by video games and total self-absorption that you don’t realize the implications of what you’re sharing here ? And for #72…there are some things that will never be funny and yes, there is a God. You get the final, definitive word on that, perhaps, after one of the soul-less people who think this list is cool breaks into your house rapes your wife and kids and then blows your head off. The truth will then be revealed…
77. Rina - September 23rd, 2008 at 4:39 am
Where I live you dont even have to bother with all these precautions. Even if you’re caught red handed you just find a friend to pay your bail and bribe a few corrupt policemen to get rid of the evidence. Crime is horrible, but unfortunately its part of life and must be dealt with. The best thing to do is to protect yourself and your family against it and hope and pray it never happens to you.
78. Rick james - September 23rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
haha this is funny if ur trying to commit a crime and ur reasearching in this website “You have alrdy been cought”!!
79. WrongU - September 28th, 2008 at 1:38 am
Guys, you forgot one thing….A cellphone, you carry it everywhere you go, and network operators can pinpoint the location of your phone at anytime.
Also do not use a car fitted with a tracking device, the same applies to a bike.
If you are going to commit murder, you need to plan very well, don’t get excited to the idea that you have a target, for instance you can get an unregistered sniper rifle, lay-low for 5-8 years before using it, take time to asses your targets, say 6-12 months, studying their activities. Draw up a list of what can get you caught, then device ways to get around that.
80. Prestige Crane - October 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
If you kill someone you don’t know you actually have a great chance at getting away with it. People think that these days everyone gets caught and convicted? Come on. Most districts don’t even have the resources for a proper CSI team. Turn off the tv. Thousands of murders go unsolved in the US alone every year.
And anything can be funny, as long as the joke is clever
81. Ford - October 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Another tip:
Although the CSI shows are informative, they’re not entirely accurate. Especially when they can get DNA results in 2-3 minutes (or even less!!), but in real life it’s a much longer wait. Plus most CSIs aren’t quite as observant as the characters portrayed on TV. Calleigh Duquesne can pick out minute details at EVERY crime scene, but most CSIs aren’t quite like that. Yes, very observant, but not superhuman. (My fiance and I love to watch CSI:Miami for it’s blatant mistakes and melodrama) Plus it seems that TV CSIs seem to break protocol left and right, especially on CSI:Miami!!
So even though our technology and training have made committing the perfect crime way less likely that it was 10-15 years ago, remember that CSI and crime dectection isn’t what it’s being portrayed as on TV either, except by shows like The First 48, Crime 360 and so on.
And yes, just about anything can be funny. And people have a dark side. Everyone does.
82. niki - October 26th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
im writing a paper on committing the perfect crime, and i chose grand theft auto but i need to know what tools i would have to use ?!
83. Ivan - November 1st, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Use a very2 sharp ice. Of course it takes time to “craft” this weapon (a day at least). And then you can just throw it on the street or sewer and voila! Your weapon disappear!
84. Kiribub - November 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
This is one hell of a disturbing list.
85. Old_Cat - November 8th, 2008 at 4:13 am
Niki, grand theft auto is one of the worst crimes I can think of, in terms of not getting caught. There are trip points all over that situation. Like how do you break into a car these days? Cars have complicated locks and alarms. Ignition is a whole different problem. And how would you go about selling it? I wouldn’t even know how to go about stealing a car. It’s by far the hardest thing to steal.
The best crime to commit is murder, because if you do it right, there is zero contact with the outside world, and you’re killing the only person who might expose you.
Other than that, cat burglary is easy enough. You can do some recce, find out when the people in the house aren’t home during the week, break in through the back door, take only what you can sell, then leave.
It’s got a high risk factor, but it’s better odds than most other crimes.
You’re running a gauntlet if you decide to break the law, and you’re not going to have good odds, you have to accept that. But it’s possible to get away with crimes. Most of the criminals who are sent to jail are in the lower bracket of IQ tests, which gives us an idea that if you’re intelligent, you have a fair chance of escaping the legal system.
The best point i saw on that list was the one about not bragging. It’s the one trip point which professional criminals can’t resist falling over. I mean, what’s the point of committing the most elaborate crime in your states history if you can’t tell anybody about it?
I guess O J Simpson has the right idea.
86. Old_Cat - November 8th, 2008 at 5:24 am
One other thing while I’m here. There is a principle in the security world called Kerckhoffs’ principle. It states that at every stage where you are trying to keep a secret, it creates a potential trip up point. For example, if you’re committing a crime and your car gets photographed at the crime scene, how do you explain that?
Kerckhoffs’ principle states that if a secret is ever discovered, it shouldn’t be fatal to the rest of the operation. So you should always have some kind of an excuse for doing what you’re doing or being where you are.
I know of an example by a Scottish thief who entered somebodies house via the back door while the owner was still home. Naturally the owner freaked out. But the thief kept his cool and said “Hi, I’m billy. Jill told me to let myself in. I’m here to collect the spare mattress”
That sewed the seeds of doubt into the owners mind, and he ended up just thinking there was a big mistake and it was all an innocent foul up. Later the thief was caught selling stolen items, and that’s how the story came out.
My point is that you should never, ever be in a position where you have to admit that you committed a crime. Whether it’s just saying that you killed that guy in self-defense, or you’re being framed. Anything is better than leaving no doubt that you deserve to be punished. Because remember, you need to be proven beyond reasonable doubt that you did the deed.
Summary: Always have a reason for doing what you’re doing. Look like you belong, even if you don’t. People are fairly trusting as a rule; they don’t expect you to be doing anything wrong- their natural reaction is to judge what they see on surface value. If you’re dressed like a gardener, a neighbor isn’t going to assume you’re a criminal walking across somebody’s front lawn. Always remember that you’re performing for an audience that may or may not be looking (hint: assume that they’re looking). And remember, never ever forget, that nothing you get caught doing should endanger the rest of the operation.
87. hot - November 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I cant not believe that there a website like this.What about the people that will lose their lives totrash like this ? What about the kids that get their hands on this? My God do you fuckin idiots have any cluetowhat your are doing ? Do you not have a conscience? This is crazy … yes Iam all for freedom of speech but I sdont think that’s what our founding father’s where thinking of when they gave us this right !
88. anonymous2 - November 17th, 2008 at 6:48 am
You guys are all idiots! If you’re going to talk about this sh*t, it should only be with someone you actually can count on, and in PERSON. My God, any one of you could be an undercover cop!
hot:You’re absolutely right. Don’t you think these freaks need to get a reality check?
89. anonymous2 - November 17th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Hey, whoever is yhe webmaster here, if I can find you, I will. Scum like you don’t scare me. I don’t want trouble, I just want to know why you’d give advice on how to kill someone and why. Maybe you need some professional help. That goes for all of you f*cked up psychos.
90. Old_Cat - November 17th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Thanks Anarchist. But I stand by my statement. You don’t mention what to do about the alarm, or where/how to sell the car, or move it around without being caught by the police.
It’s a lot more simple to break into a home and take things such as jewelry, which is far more generic and ambiguous than a car. You can conceal it, move it easily and to an extent sell it far more easily than other items.
I’m not saying that you can’t steal cars, I’m saying that there are other more viable options for the “perfect crime” scenario.
91. anonymous2 - November 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I’d like to converse with the f*cked up Froot Loop WebMaster here please.
92. anonymous2 - November 17th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Hey FREAKS! I’m not going to let this go. There are ways to track you all down. I already know that whoever created this f*cked up site is in the Mountain time zone in the U.S. I’m onto you like lights on a Christmas tree,l you b@$t@rd$.
93. OMG - November 17th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I’d like some pointers on how to pull off a simple but believable fake ID. Can any of you guys help me?
94. Cyn - November 17th, 2008 at 10:58 am
for the trollz posting comments and not taking the time to familiarize themselves w/ this site or its community or taking this list much too seriously…
chill out!
so sez Cyn the admin. which if you’d bothered checking out the site you’d not only already know that, you’d posted much more intelligent and contributory comments.
95. HollowTheory - November 17th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Is anonymous2 serious? Can’t be. Well, could be, I’ve learned never to underestimate the stupidity one can come across on the world wide web. So, on the assumption that he or she is serious, I give you a list of my own as to why you are an idiot. First of all, if you think listverse is the only place on the internet where conversations occur concerning illegal activities then you are sadly mistaken. Second, most of the comments are tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken seriously. Third, talking about how to commit crimes is not a crime. Fourth, undercover “cops” are probably spending more time trying to catch child sex predators and terrorists in questionably themed chatrooms then on LISTVERSE.com Fifth, if this website is throwing you for a loop then you are probably a twelve year old whose parents have cranked up the content filter to maximum strength and whose preivous webbrowsing experience consists of visits solely to neopets.com Sixth, if you think trying to track down anyone posting comments on this list is the best way to go about creating a safer world you are a moron. Seventh, get a sense of humor. Eighth, get a brain, get a life and get your diaper changed.
96. anonymous2 - November 18th, 2008 at 5:41 am
HollowTheory: Will you change it for me?
97. anonymous2′ s dad - November 20th, 2008 at 5:45 am
My apologies for what my son posted. Rest assured, he will be subjected to some heavy duty grounding. HollowTheory: Yes, my son is 12 years old, and yes, he found a way to gain access to the this site: at school. I have notified the school after I saw what my son had cut and pasted to a word document onto the family’s shared USB drive. Again, my apologies.
98. Curious thoughts - November 24th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Hm, I was thinking about the ‘Do not trust anyone’ bit. It’s kind of strange, but Catholic Priests…you can tell them. They can not and will not tell cops. And if they do said cops are not allowed to use said information within the case, especially if it was said within a confessional.
It’s very strange how that works, I thought it was honestly funny, kind of like Lawyers have to take things to the grave too, otherwise all of there cases can be blown open…
I dunno, but if you commit a crime you can tell a priest at a confessional and be assured the information you give them can’t be used. Though they might try talking you into turning yourself in.
99. Old_Cat - November 25th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Curious thoughts, you’re quite right in saying that Priests and lawyers can’t give evidence in the court of law. But if you’ve killed somebody they might well go and tell a police officer, breaking their vows. If this happens, the officer can’t take the evidence to a judge and say that it’s proof.
That being said, it doesn’t matter if the police can use the information or not. If they believe that you’re the killer because a priest told them so, that may be the only lead they have. Meaning that they might look for other evidence to back up the priests claim, when previously they had no reason to search because they had no reason to believe that you were implicated. They might start following you, looking through security tapes for you, whatever. The best advice you could get would be to never ever trust anybody, because anything could happen with that information.
100. TWiSTiD BODiES - December 1st, 2008 at 12:01 am
I’m 15 and I know more than this fool. FUCK THERE IS SO MUCH MORE YOU NEED FOR THE PREFECT CRIME, NUMBER 11 : Know all you can about the victim(s) (Where they live, where they work, what scares them, what they can’t stand, people they may know, ect.) , WITHOUT ever coming in contact with them. NUMBER 12 : Don’t ever breathe onto or around the bodies, the mosture of you saliva transfers into the air, and can wind up in the crime scene. NUMBER 13 : Don’t buy a weapon, come on, you realize thats how a a lot of people get caught, if you buy a gun, wait long before you commit the crime, and don’t let anyone know you own a gun, people ask you, simply say no, sawed off gun work wonderfuly, and you can even get special bullets made, but wait until a long time afterwards! These speical bullets are made with less gun powder, making a noise, that is like a silencer, doing less damage, but can still kill. NUMBER 14 : Don’t take pictures, if you do, don’t touch them, and make sure you have your own dark room. Don’t have any of this info on your computer, AT ALL, it goes into your HARDDRIVE!! NUMBER 14 : Don’t bring friends along, do your crimes yourself, or you have a really high chance of being ratted out, don’t trust anyone. NUMBER 15 : I LOVE WHAT HOLLOWTHEORY SAID TO THAT 12 YEAR OLD!! HAHA
101. TWiSTiD BODiES - December 1st, 2008 at 12:06 am
Haha, and there is more, of course.
102. TWiSTiD BODiES - December 1st, 2008 at 12:23 am
Also, might be fun to take blood, or hair from someone you have killed before, and place it at the crime scene, haha, good luck figuring that one out.
103. 4Real - December 9th, 2008 at 4:35 am
The best way to escape getting noticed is to disguise. Wear artificial beard and hair.
104. 4Real - December 10th, 2008 at 5:03 am
And use a rent-a-car which is very ordinary and has no identifiable signs or dents. Use a fake name plate becz if you hide your car’s name plate, you’ll get noticed or worse, picked up.
105. 4Real - December 10th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Besides the ability to commit a perfect crime, one has to think about making more out of it if not for anything then just to feel more “asshole”, which is necessary if one is serious in being a good criminal.
One idea is to get a term life insurance, which has reduced premiums and then kill someone who looks a little like you, kill the asshole, take off his clothes and put on yours, maybe use acid or fire to further disguise the identity, make sure you put your wallet or address so that they can “recognize” you and enjoy the money!
I’m really afraid this website is a secret governmental project to nab would be criminals?
106. 4Real - December 10th, 2008 at 8:27 am
OMG: Best way is to “help” someone who has access to people’s IDs and then steal one. Be creative.
107. kristenbella - December 11th, 2008 at 7:25 am
im in the 10th grade and im using this for a research paper. haha
108. 4Real - December 11th, 2008 at 8:14 am
The complexity of this issue proves that committing a crime is not easy and we should appreciate the genius of criminals! I mean in a British article, they said terrorists are something like pressure groups so they don’t kill. The 9/11 has mistakenly called those “inadequate criminals” as terrorists, which they are not.
So a criminal maybe an asshole but he deserves a slightly more respect than a coward terrorist who hasn’t enough brains to escape the consequences of his act except through suicide.
Shouldn’t we be teaching the contents of this forum in schools? Just kidding.
109. Cyn - December 11th, 2008 at 9:03 am
*makes note of IP, sets investigation into motion*
j/k
really ya’ll need to lighten up in this list comment section..hell, all lists comment sections. this is just a website.
110. 4Real - December 11th, 2008 at 9:36 am
True Anarchist: I’m really afraid of drifting into another topic but this site is about a perfect crime and terrorist suicidal attacks may get listed here, which I think they shouldn’t, as I think listing suicide as a way to perfect a crime would not be fair.
On the other hand, it was surprising and even shocking for me to learn recently how westerners understand Islam better than Muslims. I have had a particularly difficult time with Islam and whenever I tried to discuss its flaws, my teachers would rebuke me and my friends would call me delusionist. The terrorism is not a new face of Islam, it was there right from the beginning when Muhammad, peace be upon him, ordered his generals to attack any community that didn’t establish Islamic prayers, among other things.
So should we or should we not consider suicide as a sure & easy way to perfect crime? What is a Perfect Crime, after all?
111. HollowTheory - December 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Girls, girls, you’re BOTH pretty
112. rushfan - December 12th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
rofl
113. King Jazza - December 21st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Hmm…..
This may be a good idea.
I might even use this some day in the not too distant future.
114. jimman - December 27th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Interesting, because the author should probably spend a little less time watching CSI type crime shows and try actually working in the field of catching those who commit crimes. The problem with CSI type shows are that they are not based in reality. They invent technology or greatly exaggerate it to fit into a 1 hour show. Those of us who actually do that type of work now how fake it is. For example, the author mentions a few points that are not completely accurate. For example, point number one, DNA… yes, you will be convicted if you leave, or pick up dDNA, but DNA is only one type of trace evidence, fingerprints, fibers, hair, ballistics, etc.. are just as good as DNA, it’s just that CSI type shows hype DNA so everyone things about it. To me a fingerprint is just as good.
Also, point # 4 “For example, you are almost certain to get caught if you try to rob a bank…” Clearly the author knows nothing about investigating robberies. They have a very low “clearance rate” (police term for % of solved crimes. In fact most bank single bank robberies are never solved. What are easier to catch are habitual bank robbers. And that goes against the authors point #2.
Point 5 discusses evidence but you notice there is not mention of “computer” evidence. For example, anyone searching for “ the perfect crime” on the internet on their home computer has just sealed their fate. Now me, I won’t be committing any crimes in the near future so I’m not worried, but if you are, well you’d better destroy your computer because you just left a huge evidence trail for LE.
My point here is that the problem is that when committing a crime you just cant think of everything. It’s best to not do it in the first place because the consequences are so bad. The only advice I’d give is that a perfect crime needs to factor in getting caught. For example, if you rob a bank for a million dollars and are able to hide the money. If you get caught and spend 10 years in jail but get the hidden money when you get out… was it worth it?
115. Emily - January 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Hey wouldn’t it be a good idea to commit a crime really early in the morning (and quietly or where you won’t be heard be ANYONE) on the same day trash gets taken out so that you can just get rid of the clothes you wore (as long as they were clothes from some common place where they can’t be traced back to you) and anything else you used becuase probably by the time the police or anybody gets there, all of your evidence will be wherever they take all the trash so they won’t be able to trace it back to your house?
Just thought that if I ever did that it would be a good idea, but I’m not wuite sure….
116. peanut - January 5th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I looked up “the perfect crime”. It’s a play rofl. So I guess that blows that theory out….I did however look up the most profitable crime earlier…..I was curious, not like i’m heading out to pick up a stash so I can start dealing drugs. I just dont think that google searches should be counted as evidence.