10 Hilarious-Sounding Recent News Stories

The news is too often depressing, enraging, or just plain boring—does anybody who didn’t grow up with the Brady Bunch even read the financial and Op-Ed sections anymore? Either way, spending your time brain-deep in the news is an activity that detracts from your quality of life.

So instead of reading about how your city is modernizing its municipal water fountains (boring), check out the following hilarious-sounding recent news stories, which are sure to brighten your day and maybe even offer a little edification.

Related: 10 Ironic News Stories Straight out of an Alanis Morissette Song

10 German Robots Given Sunday Off as Religious Day of Rest

Sonntagsruhe is a Christian-based mandate in certain parts of Germany, asserting that work must shut down on Sunday. These “Sunday rest” laws were enacted back in 1919 and are a holdover from a much earlier era. They don’t apply to everything, however, as eateries, gas stations, and pharmacies are allowed to stay open and keep civilization fed, running, and medicated.

Now, in somewhat funny fashion, these rest laws are clashing with the robotic future of work. The company Tegut, for example, operates 40 little robotic shops—automated mini markets described as walk-in vending machines. They’re distinct from the company’s 300 supermarkets, and some of these robotic dispensaries must be closed on Sundays to let the robots observe their Christian day of rest.

This court judgment was passed over a year ago and applies to the German state of Hesse, which includes Frankfurt, but not Bavaria, where the poor robots must work all week.^[1]

9 Our Teeth Are Sensitive Because of Extremely Ancient Fish

People with sensitive teeth have a bone to pick with… ancient fish. That’s neither a pun nor a joke. First, because teeth aren’t technically bones, but are composed of dentin and covered in enamel—tissues that don’t regenerate.

Second, the fish part. New research from the University of Chicago explains that the structures that became our teeth originated as sensory tissues on the armor of ancient fish from the Ordovician period, around 465 million years ago.

These sensory tissues helped those archaic fish perceive water conditions. Some equally old fossils even suggest that these tissues evolved separately in both vertebrates and invertebrates. The result? Teeth with sense-specific capabilities that let us gauge temperature, pressure, and pain—useful features for preventing tooth-related disasters.^[2]

8 Beards Aren’t as Dirty as Toilet Seats (Probably)

How dirty are beards, really? Some headlines have claimed or implied that beards are germier than toilet seats.

That’s sort of true, in the sense that our bodies host billions of microorganisms—bacteria, fungi, viruses—and beards offer a nice warm environment full of nooks and crannies with hands constantly touching them. Beards can harbor microbes that cause rashes or even a colony of pubic lice, though that’s rare.

But overall, beards don’t pose much of an infection risk. The solution, which should surprise no one (but somehow still does), is to wash your beard. Preferably every day, or at least regularly. Especially before heading to your local craft brewery. Trimming, combing, and moisturizing also help keep your lower face from turning into a jungle of microbial chaos.^[3]

7 Scientists Found a 270-Million-Year-Old Animal That Looks Like Kermit

Scientists found a 270-million-year-old animal that looks like Kermit the Frog. So they named it Kermitops. The frog-like creature lived in Permian-era Texas, between 299 and 252 million years ago—a time of warming, diversification, and eventual mass extinction.

Kermitops was tiny, with a head just over an inch long. It’s significant because it’s a proto-amphibian, an ancestor of modern frogs and salamanders—the moist, squiggly things that people either love or loathe.

Here’s the kicker: It was actually discovered decades ago and sat in the Smithsonian for about 40 years before anyone realized its importance. The Kermit lookalike just needed a little Muppet marketing to leap into scientific fame.^[4]

6 There’s a Spider That Barfs Its Prey to Death

The feather-legged lace weaver is a humble-looking spider often mistaken for a bit of leaf or plant debris. But it hides a wild secret: It kills with vomit.

Unlike most spiders, this one can’t inject venom. Its fangs have no holes, and they aren’t hooked up to venom glands. Instead, its digestive system produces deadly enzymes. When it hunts, it first mummifies its prey with several meters of silk. Then, it vomits a corrosive soup of toxins that fatally digests its victim from the outside.

Scientists knew about this bizarre ability nearly a century ago but only recently confirmed it by tracking down these reclusive spiders in office plants and garden centers.^[5]

5 Gen Z Caused Guinness Shortages, Altered the Stout Beers Market

A smooth pint of Guinness—maybe with a shamrock on top—is a global icon of beer. It used to be seen as a drink for older folks, but that’s changed. Social media has helped Guinness surge in popularity, partly thanks to influencers and videos about poor pouring techniques or the “split the G” challenge.

The result? Sales of stouts rose by 13 percent, even as overall alcohol sales fell. Guinness ran dry in some areas, and rivals jumped in. Murphy’s Irish Stout saw sales leap by 632 percent, while Brennan’s sold out four months’ supply in weeks.

So stout lovers can toast Gen Z for introducing new fans to dark beer… and blame them for the shortage of their favorite pint.^[6]

4 Camel Milk Is Good for Alleviating Dust Mite Asthma in Mice

Camel milk might sound like a fringe wellness fad, but scientists say it could have real benefits—at least for mice with asthma.

Asthma affects over 300 million people globally. In a recent study, mice given camel milk before being exposed to dust mite allergens had fewer symptoms and reduced inflammation. The milk appeared to calm airway irritation and decrease allergic responses.

Camel milk has long been used for diabetes and immune issues in certain cultures, but this study adds to growing interest in its therapeutic potential. Still, don’t toss your inhaler just yet—human trials are a long way off.^[7]

3 Scientists Are Using Earwax to Predict Parkinson’s

Earwax can reveal more than just how gross you are. It might also help detect Parkinson’s disease.

Parkinson’s affects movement and worsens over time. Early diagnosis is vital, but current methods can be expensive and unreliable. One promising lead? The smellier sebum (skin oil) in Parkinson’s patients. Unfortunately, sebum is vulnerable to environmental contamination.

Enter earwax. It’s stable, protected, and full of biological markers. A recent study analyzed the earwax of 209 people and found that those with Parkinson’s had distinct chemical signatures. Researchers were able to predict the disease with 94 percent accuracy. Gross? Yes. Groundbreaking? Also yes.^[8]

2 Excessive Urban Night-Light Disturbs Great Tits

The Sempach Ornithological Institute in Switzerland studied great tits (yes, they’re birds) in both city and forest environments to compare nesting behavior.

It turns out that city lights make the birds restless. In well-lit areas, they spend less time warming their eggs, which means lower hatch rates. In the woods, where nights stay dark, the birds stay snug and productive.

Also, great tits navigate by starlight—so light pollution could literally throw them off course. All that nighttime brightness may be giving these birds more than just insomnia.^[9]

1 Modern Dog Ownership Is Redefining Parenting

Researchers at Eötvös Loránd University in Hungary are exploring how the rise of “dog parenting” is reshaping modern family life.

With birth rates dropping and loneliness rising, many people are turning to dogs to fulfill their nurturing instincts—without the cost or stress of raising children. The study found that dogs offer similar cognitive engagement as non-verbal toddlers. In short, a fur baby gives us someone to care for in a world where traditional structures are fraying.

Dogs aren’t replacing kids entirely (yet), but for some, they’re a more manageable way to meet deep emotional and biological needs.^[10]