Every year in virtually every country, crimes go unsolved – and sometimes undetected. When someone commits a crime of this type it is called a perfect crime. This is a list of ten tips to perpetrating the perfect crime. I am sure it doesn’t need to be said, this is not meant as a reference for criminals, but rather as an entertaining look at crime and detection.
1. DNA
DNA is the surest way to prove you committed a crime. It is absolute imperative that you do not leave ANY DNA behind you and that is very difficult. The best solution to this is to commit your crime in a place that is likely to have a lot of DNA from strangers. For example, a park, a mall, anywhere that a lot of people tend to gather. Finding your DNA will be like finding a needle in a haystack.
2. Relationship
The large number of crimes committed are committed by someone close to the victim. The police know this well and they know who to question. Your best bet here is to pick someone as random as the victim. This is especially true if murder is your crime of choice. Don’t be tempted to commit your crime against someone you only know in passing – it must be a total stranger.
3. Proximity
This ties in to point 2 – commit the crime in another town. You don’t want to travel so far that you can be connected because you took a trip – just far enough that you are outside of the main area of interest to the police. You also don’t want to be on the road for hours before the crime as you may become tired, or after the crime as you may still be on the streets when the big investigation begins.
4. Type of Crime
Chose your crime carefully. For example, you are almost certain to get caught if you try to rob a bank. Chose a crime that can be committed in the early hours of the morning or that can be done very discretely during the daytime.
5. Evidence
Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime – what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime. It doesn’t matter if the police know the crime happened. If your crime involves a gun or weapon of some kind, use it and drop it. Leave it at the scene. If you follow point 7 this will not be a problem. If you kill someone, leave the body there. Do not touch the body at all. Do not move the body and do not try to hide the body. And just in case you haven’t understood that last part – that includes using a vat of acid. If you have stolen something, you need to get rid of it as quickly as possible and if it is money, don’t start spending up large – you will draw attention to yourself.
6. Timing
Timing is everything. The best time to commit a crime is in the very early hours of the day when most people are asleep. If you do follow this instruction, remember that you need to look like you are not out of place on the street. That means no full face coverings. The selected time is important when you come to purchase your tools.
7. Tools
First off, you need good thick gloves. The thin ones are not good enough as they can split and it is possible to leave fingerprints if they are sufficiently thin. Do not use anything you own and do not buy brands you normally buy unless they are very generic brands. This means you need to go shopping. Shop out of town and shop in large department stores where you are less likely to be remembered. Remember: very common brands only. You must pay in cash and you must destroy any receipts, or shopping bags. After the crime is committed, destroy everything you bought as quickly as you can and don’t do it in an obvious way, like having a bonfire in your back yard when you have never done so before. Wait at least one month from buying your goods to committing your crime.
8. Alibi
It is wise to have an alibi – though not essential if you have followed all the other rules. It doesn’t hurt however. One way you can do this is to plan an out of town trip and book your hotel and rental car with your credit card. Sign up for a convention and attend. Try to use a hotel with no cameras. In the early hours travel to the place of your crime, commit it, and return. Enjoy the remainder of your holiday (on your credit card) and return home the next day.
9. The Getaway
If you are committing the crime in the early hours, the best mode of transport is by bike. This will enable you to get off the roads if you need and to travel quickly. You do not want to be seen on the street walking (remember, the Zodiac nearly got caught this way) and you don’t want to be the only car on the street at 2am! Take regular cycle clothes and wear them. In the case of murder, if you have dumped the murder weapon you should not need to worry about evidence if you do get picked up. Wear an iPod and maybe a fresh packet of cigarettes – you can always say you were out getting smokes as you couldn’t sleep.
10. Aftermath
First of all, do not watch the television and avoid the papers. The police can use these as tools to try to psych you out. Avoid these things for at least a month. Do not celebrate in any way – continue about your every day life. Do not brag about your crime to anyone (that includes posting here in the comments!)
One final tip: if you do get arrested, this does not mean you have failed to commit the perfect crime. If this happens, do not speak. The police need evidence to convict you – if you have done the job right, there won’t be any. Don’t help the police with testimony. Remember, the court needs to find you guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Oh – and if you do get convicted, you might want to read this article on the top 10 tips to surviving prison.
In case you are wondering how I know all this… re-read point 10! Okay, I am kidding. Really.
Technorati Tags: crime
You forgot "Trust No One." Try to make everything you do a solo act. People cannot be trusted to keep quiet when threatened with jail or something else.
Definitely agree. If you commit a crime with someone else, who's to say they won't blab and drop you in the ***** in return for a reduced sentence? Best to work alone.
i agree, people can not be trusted ever. even if you think they wont tell is it really worth going to jail?
it was in the CSI, the perfect murder is injecting air in neck vein from behind in place noone can see you.
you stupid as ***** Dhatz. how will u ever manage to get behind a nigga with a needle in a specific vein? impossible. What you need to do is run up and pop a cap in his ass and book.
I would say doing a Dexter-like chokehold would be best. Especially if you then applied your foot to the neck so that they would die from asphyxiation. No fingerprints, even if you aren’t wearing gloves.
Me: that is true – I presumed that people would assume that from the fact that the entire article was written with one person in mind. Definitely trust no one.
Helpful but you forgot another thing. The best way to make people believe that it wasn’t you is by putting the suspicion on other people, this can be done in many ways. Leaving evidence that frames someone else at the scene of the crime and preferably picking somebody who has a previous criminal record.
im keeping this in my stumbleupon saves…who knows when i’ll need it…right?
Kind of funny how this is posted soon after the prison survival tips. Interesting, though.
thanks for the pointer about bragging. i know we all have a problem with that in tennessee. you’re at a barbeque, you’ve kicked back a few heinekins, and before you know it: WHOOPSIE!
Enter your comment here.a nopther rule, avoid getting drunk within a few months of the crime. even if you live in the right part of tennessee were no one blabbs cuz they know they will be killed, probably slowly, better to be safe and NOT TELL ANYONE
brennan: that is hilarious. It seems to happen every time I am at a bbq as well.
Dan: it seemed fitting
Kyouki: hopefully never
hey this is very useful. but damn it has to be sumone random? guess my plans are shot. and wat bout if we wanted to commit the crime using chemicals instead of a gun or other conventional weapons? wat i mean by that is how probable are we to get caught using chemicals as opposed to other lethal methods?
if you use chemicals that will kill quickly leave them at the scene too, but if u poison within a long period of time…well your alwready breaking the random rul soo u could be screwed unless u get an undetectable poison and it seems like a unknown desease
If your chosen victim is on any medication then giving them an overdose could help or if you know them well offer them a weak alcohoic beverage like beer but spike it with a spirit like vodka. It will have to be in a large amount though then the person should die of alcohol poisoning however this may not always work as different people can stomach different amounts of alcohol.
If you used the internet to research your crime online (who whould do that…) don’t forget your ISP keeps records for up to 5 years in the US so use a proxy or Tor and wipe your hard drive 7 times (NSA standard)
Ikon: that is true – thanks for bringing that up. It is probably not even safe to use an anonymizing server. I would suggest going to an Apple Store in the next town to do your research. All Apple stores have full internet on all of their demo machines. You often see people using the Apple Stores as a free internet Cafe.
If someone was willing, I think it would be an excellent idea to fake your own death in order to commit your crime.
Chris: the only difficulty with this is hiding the evidence of the crime – it would be pretty hard to hide from everyone you know or to remain undetected if you flee the country.
The think is that if murder is your crime you most likely have a motive and that motive will make you pretty obvious. I also agree with chris on faking your own death. Might be kind of difficult though.
Vicky: that is true for sure – which is probably why most murderers are caught. I plan to do an unsolved murders list at some point.
I stole a pack of M&Ms once when i was a kid and got away scott-free!
i have done the same thing exept with some pencils it was so fun but i was 14
pencils??? you nerd!
the only thing sadder than stealing pencils; stealing pencils and getting caught…
stealing ***** is easy and gay.(i steal tons of food and lighters al the time). Go for a bank robbery like im planning.
Just a quick note on the Alibi part, most the hotels that have electronic key cards will have a log of what times the key is used to enter and leave your room so choose a hotel with a regular key. Just make sure not to use this info so you can kill ME!!
Actually just to enter the room.. Most key cards are not needed to leave the room
As many have said, it is true, crime is a solo act. That should be one of the top things in this list; People can’t shut the f*ck up. YOu probabley learned this in High School. YOu tell your friend something private, and WHAM! Comes right back to bite you in the ass.
angelat: that is true – you are best using a mom&pop hotel that doesn’t have the new high-tech stuff
Sullivan: I think we all learnt that one at some point. Trust no one! (as our first commenter said).
God knows all. Everything has a consequence.
They never caught the guy that wacked Jebus…
…I think God did it! the perfect crime!
Except for the fact that God then told everyone that he killed Jebus…
…Plus he told Moses to kill thousands upon thousands of people. Someone has to stop that sick freak!
…I know who my next victim is…
If you are comitting a murder if the cops find the gun and ties it to the murderthey can use the serial number and tie it to you sooo scrach off the number!!!!!!!!!!
that why you use a fake ID, which shouldnt be hard if you are commiting a murder, and if you cant them you have to go to a store( and i know there are stores like this) that dose not request IDs to buy a gun. i’ve been to them (of course it was a murder infested crime filled town in tenessee) buut either way you can find them.
#11 Do NOT you ever think about Committing a crime.
Sam: I do mention that on the previous article about surviving in prison – but you are right to mention it here too
Thanks.
great list!
i found this point very important — Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime – what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime.
red x:
scratching off the serial number won’t work anymore, they can perform tests on it, kind of like x-raying the metal and it shows stress marks at the microlevel that can identify numbers. Think of writing a letter on a notepad, if you erase it and even tear off the top sheet you can still see the indentations in the lower sheets. same concept here.
throwaways! Throwaway cell phone, gun, clothes
mom n pop motel – bad idea! they’ll remember you. go for midlevel – better than a Motel 6, not a Hilton, find one hosting a convention or football (any sport) fans, get lost in the crowd.
ditto inanytime!!
Isn’t that the point in an alibi–the title it was under? That they remember you?
rae: hmmm, methinks you sound like you are talking from experience! Not breaking rule 10 I hope?
Catch up on prison break episodes so if you get caught, you’ll have a plan to break out of prison.
What if someone has had a blood transfusion or a bone marrow transfusion? Since there is the original DNA from the donor, how does this affect the recipient? What kind of DNA would now be in their blood? So, if they were to commit a crime and leave blood at the scene, to whom would they trace the blood? Also, since there is talk of a fat virus or fat gene, if the donor has this then would the recipient now have it? Is it possible for a person receiving a blood transfusion to suddenly gain weight because the donor has some sort of weight problem associated with a virus or gene for weight gain? Could someone get diabetes or lupus this way?
are you stupid?
Sorry, I meant to say bone marrow transplant.
Well, I read on web that a man falsely accused of crime with DNA proof then it turn out that he had an operation (I think it was bone thingy)
By the way, FBI also misidentified a fingerprint a few years ago.
In most of the films, the probability that a finger print found on the CS is the same as yours, is always around 98%, so there is a slight chance that it is someone else’s. After all, we’re with 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, so two identical fingerprints should be possible (or am I wrong?).
Ozhan: bone marrow transplant? That is very interesting.
Mathew: it is possible but I don’t have data to verify one way or the other. I guess if two people do share the same print, it is extremely unlikely that they would be on the same print database though.
Not enough to go further commiting a crime
Like in the movies that we all have seen:
- Create a major diversion to send police in the opposite direction while you commit your crime.
- Leave evidence that will shift the blame towards someone else.
- Kill all witnesses and anyone that knows about the crime including your partners.
Mathew: Having done studies into palmistry and criminal justice I know that the only way to have duplicate fingerprints is with identical genetic makeups. Ex: identical twins. However it is possible to have your fingerprint mistaken with someone else’s. Fingerprints are identified by the endings of the ridges and any oddities within a given fingerprint. Thus, if you have around 95% of the same endings of your fingerprint as someone else, for all intents and purposes you have the same fingerprint.
I’d also like to add to the list to do your research. I know a guy who tried to rob an ATM once and, having not done enough research beforehand did not know that ATMs have a safe inside them where all the money is stored, though that should have been obvious.
Mystern: thanks for your comment – it is always really great when someone with expertise in a subject posts here.
jfrater: I’d hardly call myself an expert, or for that matter really having any expertise. I’ve just taken a few classes on a very broad range of subjects, including palmistry and criminal justice. In retrospect the phrase “Having done studies” is quite misleading. Sorry about that.
Cannot be done. You will leave something. A hair, a drop of sweat. If you do this in public, good luck NOT being on camera. ATMs take pictures every second, many streets have cameras on street lights, malls and parks have them.
Unless it’s a bed and breakfast, there will be a camera at the hotel/motel you stay at, even if at the front desk. Can’t buy a gun, gotta register and all that, and depending on the bullet they can narrow the field in what gun fired it, plus they’ll track who might have bought a gun recently.
Picking a random stranger to kill? Well, that is hard to do. You’d have to plan ahead if you want to commit the perfect crime, so you’d have to work out time as well. Good luck finding a victim under ideal conditions.
A bike? That’s even more out of place than a car. If anyone is looking outside, they will wonder why someone is riding a bike at that early hour.
This list…sucks. It won’t help at all. While focusing on what not to do, someone’d do something they should’t have. With DNA and criminal pathologists, sorry, no more perfect crimes.
You're so ignorant. CSI's aren't gods who can find every fragment of DNA that you leave behind. They're more likely to miss evidence than to find it. If you've ever seen a real crime scene, cops and detectives are walking around everywhere and destroying evidence inadvertently. One hair would be pretty darn hard to find. This list was trying to say don't go around touching the scene of your crime with no gloves while spitting and accidentally cutting yourself and scratching your head. Reducing the amount of DNA left, substantially affects CSI's ability to find it. And unsolved murders happen every day. Committing one really wouldn't be that hard. As long as it was isolated and you left very little DNA. Don't go around saying a list sucks when you obviously have no idea how many crimes are committed using these simple types of rules. You watch way too many cop shows where they solve every single crime.
Matt: Sure there is a much greater risk nowadays of being caught with forensics – but a perfect crime does not have to undetectable – it is still a perfect crime if you don’t get caught and lots of crimes go unsolved every year in all countries
If you do happen to commit a crime and it isn’t perfect, you might consider reading this sarcastic guide to prison survival:
http://www.voont.com/prison
For example here’s how the guide describes the hole:
The Hole / The Boo Box
You don’t want to go here! If you are very bad the warden will put you in the box. Some examples of what can get you put in the box: Escape attempt, punching another inmate, messing in your pants, *****ually assault on yourself or another inmate, kicking another inmate, poking or prodding another inmate with a writing implement, and talking out of turn
interesting no?
Ross: that sounds hilarious
(english third language)
TOP 5 TIPS
1. CONDOMS yes people latex cover urself in it prevents dna from contaminating crime scene
2. Take hair form someone else and put it at crime scene
3. PSYCHOLOGIST yes see a shrink(btw i have a masters in psychology and im only 20
,even if u get caught ull get a much lighter sentence
4.RESISTANCE – TO THE BLOODY END FIGHT UNTIL UR LAST BREATH
5.cbf send me email and ill send u a proper list with much more detail
In my experience, blood splatter is the hardest thing to control while still enjoying your crime. Have you ever tried to get blood out of a clown suit? It’s not easy.
We’ll I killed JFK and they still haven’t gotten to me! Oh yeah and that guy Franz Ferdinand, I took him out and didn’t get caught on that one either! Didn’t think I’d start a whole world war over it though. I guess I can just really pick ‘em! Since I am going to retire now as a highly accomplished assassin, I will give you all my secrets. These are TOP SECRET so don’t tell anyone else or do something stupid like post them as a comment on some blog or something. Okay here goes:
1. Use a butter knife or a spork. If they catch you, you can whip out a can of Spam and start eating. Subterfuge rocks!!!
2. Always kill someone who’s name you can spell. Nothing worse trying to remember how to spell Tqumaambiado Biakabatuka. Then again if you do get busted most of the judge and jury members will probably just let you go for doing the world a great service by getting rid of a major spelling inconvenience for all of those airport courtesy phone operators and overworked copy editors. So uh, just scratch that one…
3. Always bring lots of attention to yourself. Everybody hates the guy who just screams “look at me” and they usually don’t give that guy the time of day. Here is what I usually look like: I have purple hair with the left half of my head half shaved, a face full of tattoos, most of which are of Kenny G, Liza Minelli, and Leonardo Di Caprio dressed in drag, very tight pink spandex shorts, and a t-shirt that says “You can’t have manslaughter without laughter!” set in flashing pink LED’s. This outfit exudes ordinary so I’ll obviously need something that will draw attention. I can’t tell you what because then you’d be able to spot me but let’s just say that not everybody has an entire swarm of trained locusts following them through the mall. Get me? Ain’t a person in the world that’ll remember a guy like that!
4. Remember that sometimes it helps to take a little nap before you leave the crime scene so that you’ll be focused and well rested. I always bring along a nice feather pillow so that no matter where you knock that poor soul off at, you can rest in comfort. Another nice tip is that the body will still be fairly warm so it makes for a good snuggle buddy or hand/foot warmer if it gets a little chilly. Worked for Luke Skywalker on Hoth, it’ll work for you here. And remember, the colder it is, the fatter the victim. You don’t want to turn into an ice cube because you killed some Karen Carpenter looking chick.
5. Bring condoms with you so if you off a really hot chick you can check her out real well after you waste her. And really how dead is dead? I mean if she was alive only a few minutes ago then it’s not really necrophilia, at least not until she gets all stiff and stinky and stuff so you have at least a good 15 or 20 minutes to enjoy yourself and show her what you’re all about. Good way to practice those tough Kama Sutra moves too.
Well just some advise from a seasoned professional to keep you all at the top of your game. Happy Hunting!
ROTFLMAO
Fidel: one word WOW
thanks for the tips i’ll let you know if it works
I suggest commiting your crimes near a body of water. Wear a wetsuit and stash an air tank nearby. The wetsuit will help keep most of the DNA from being left at the scene, such as hair. Just make sure you leave your flippers with the air tank as they are hard to run in. After you do whatever it is you plan to do make a dash for the water, picking up the air tank on the way, and dive in to make your escape.
This is a great list. Watch out x-wife!!
For murder -
Kill people that wont be missed or reported missing, ie homeless and drifters.
Have a surefire way of disposing bodies – ie acid or burning
Never follow a pattern – kill a black woman with a knife, a white man with a gun, an indian trans*****ual with a harp…etc.
Don’t stay in one area – the larger the area you encompass, the less likely your crimes are to be linked.
For murder a person with a link to you, do this:
1- Use a knife.
2- Have a secure way to enter his home.
3- Use plastic in order to cover your clothes, totally.
4- Use clothes to cover all your body.
5- Kill fast.Don’t give time to the victim scream.
6- Kill everyone in the home.
7- Burn your shoes and the plastic.But do this in your home.
8- The best time to kill is around 3 A.M.
9- Have a secure way to escape the house.
10- Put DNA of various different people in the home, along with yours and the police will see it have been planted.
11- Caution with the floor, is for this reason you have burned your shoes.
guilherme.kinni: OJ – is that you?!
this list is creepy… the being said, well put together. just in case i ever decide to murder someone (not so much), i’ll let you know how it goes, ROTFL!!!!!!!!
“Put DNA of various different people in the home, along with yours and the police will see it have been planted.”
That’s the worst advice ever.
It’s funny to think that dumb people generally commit crimes and smart people don’t. instead they make lists on the internet on how to commit them.
hmmmm tempted to be dumb though…..
Fingerprints will NOT be the same on identical twins…their DNA will be same, but not their prints.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fingerprint
Hey guys police are stupid !
they are not C.S.I , they won’t go and search all this and do this and do that they are so lazy lmao you can commit a crime right under there nose and they won’t even notice that
Well I’ve been getting away with all those WMDs I’ve hidden in Iraq, Saddam was just a patsy.. A patsy I tell you Ha ha haaa!
wow u ppl suck dont kill anyone i was looking on here for a crime cene project
firstly, fingerprints are not caused by your genes.
they are caused by chemical reactions in the womb and as such twins will usually have extremely different prints, with prints being random and all.
if you really want to confuse the police you can easily make fake prints using a computer, an inkjet printer, wood glue and a bit of time. if you re-print an image over the top of itself it will sink deeper into the page, making indents. apply the wood glue to this and allow to set. then remove the paper either by ripping and scrubbing or just desolving in water. and there you have it, apply some oil from your own hands and you have an oily fingerprint. you can even take them from the victim if you have enough time.
second, most electronic lock systems have a very simple flaw, they only record card swipes. exiting does not require this, so you can exit at any time of the night, then sneak in through an alternate enterance to the front foyer, leave again through the front foyer, to be seen by the bell boy or such similar person, then return after heading to shops or some such thing. this leaves you with someone saying they saw you leaving your room, when they in fact only saw you leave the hotel, and usually some video camera proof.
another thing to remember is that people will generally accept a minor bad in the place of a major, so ‘you killed him, didn’t you?’ can be answered with ‘no way, i went out with a few friends and had a few cones. i cant really remember much of that night but i had a fair bit to drink too.’ works especially well for younger people, under 18 in most countries, 21 in US.
this is sick
Looks like the idea is in everyone's head… Does anyone wonder if things would be better if there were a lot less people in the world?
I feel that way every single day, more food for us right?
Less people in the world? That’s less people to kill, rob and abuse! Why would you want that? Lol.
Perfect crimes are few and far between, you really have to plan this ***** out, I’m not talking about stealing a mars bar from the corner shop.
If it’s money your after, old ladys are your best bet, most collect pensions on monday mornings, they can’t do ***** all. DNA is not so much of an issue as police will not go into too much effort as long as you don’t commit in the same area repeated. Dress like a particular group, wear a tracksuit and a hoody up with dark glasses, all she can say was he was quite tall with a hoody and tracksuit bottoms. Police will get nowhere. Good luck guys.
x
>>>if you really want to confuse the police you can easily make fake prints using a computer, an inkjet printer, wood glue . . .
Indeed, I’m confused already!