Professional Athletes are not always known for their intelligence. Many are not especially articulate… okay, most of them are not known to be articulate. This is a list of the top 15 people who made us laugh, either by being completely clueless, stating the obvious, or just by being outrageous.
1. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford
To be fair… He can actually breathe underwater too.
2. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins
… Almost? What happens the other times?
3. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” –Greg Norman
And all of his other parents he failed to mention.
4. “Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.” –Jerry Coleman
He’s sick? I hope he can still pitch today.
5. “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.” –Bob Varsha
Now that’s impressive driving.
6. “You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: ‘You never know.’” -Lou Duva
Only two? Ok, can’t argue with that.
7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs
Umm… what?
8. “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” –Randy Cross
Truer words were never spoken.
8. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” –Lou Deva… again.
….Ok Lou, ok.
10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted
I guess in context it makes sense…
11. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw
After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.
12. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” –Yogi Berra
And just because Yogi gave us so many, a bonus: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
13. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd
So, you’re going to turn it all the way around and continue in the direction it was originally going? On second thought, maybe you should stay in college Jason.
14. “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” –Torrin Polk
That’s the most important thing a college football coach can offer his team. Earings.
15. Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?”
Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”
At least you well represented the NBA while there, Shaq.
Cool.
This is the second time i’ve been the first to post!
“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw
After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.
LOL…hahhahaha he’s rushing to the end zone already?!
funny funny, good list!
Driving would actually be so much easier with 3 feet.
This is one of the funniest lists in a long time I’ve read
HA HA HA!!!!!
Excellent Sunday morning list. I wouldn’t care for a depressing one right now. Good job!
Another great list, but you missed Brian Johnson’s great line while commentating on a cricket match;
“The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willy.”
He was trying to identify the the two players, but it didn’t quite come out as he’d pictured.
Oh my goodness… certainly not a controversial list… but wickedly funny!!!
Athletic guns on the list g; as my old high school coach used to say, “you aint for us then you can suck me,” but he was gay, for real, yo.
Just what I needed after a long night. This list was freakin’ hilarious!
Got to love athlete quotes. Great sunday morning list.
What about the famous Murray Walker;
“Excuse me while i interupt myself…”
“With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go”
‘unless I’m very much mistaken.. and I am very much mistaken!’
Easily the best F1 Commentator ever. No other Racing commentator is a patch on Murray Walker. Apart from his frequent and hilarious gaffs, he knew everything there was to know about the sport, he cared deeply for it, and even if he was commentating on the cars going round the track after the Safety Car, he would still exude excitement…
Shaquille O’Neal is spelled like this.
For quote number two.
I dont think Doug Collins was referring to doing those two things at once, it just came out sounding that way.
I love the funny lists. Number 7 and 10 were the best! I am still laughting over those 2. Thanks, RandomPrecision!
Re no 5: he obviously has “one foot” (ie 12 inches) in the middle!
In general: one major-title-winning basketball coach was asked whether in his wildest dreams he’d ever imagined winning a major title. He replied “My wildest dreams have got nothing to do with basketball”.
In yesterday’s Sydney Morning Herald they quoted a winning racing driver who was told by the reporter “This must be the greatest day of your life”. He replied “You obviously weren’t there when I lost my virginity”.
Yup, Rich Folkers is talking to Ralph on the big white phone!
Great list. You could have done a top 30 list just on Yogi Berra. Now there was a funny man
this list would be much better without the commentary after each quote. your readers are smart enough to understand the humor; we don’t need it explained to us!
Yogi Berra lived on a road that had a fork in it(figuratively). No matter which way you took, you could still get to his house. Also, Yogi’s AFLAC commercial is hilarious.
Hilarious! Bahaha… thanks for making my day. =]
“No comment.”
-Michael Jordan,
on being named one of the
most reporter-friendly athletes
excellent work random precision.
i was gonna pitch a fit if yogi berra wasn’t on here somewhere.
Love this list. Perfect for a day when I woke up irritated with life… this made me feel a lot better. I love #8… seems pretty true to me.
yogi berra was the master of doublespeak
How about Mark Viduka’s quote :”I don’t care about how many games our team lost, we just care about winning the league”
I loved the list but didn’t like the writers comments after each one.
hahaha…. it’s funny… especially with YOUR comments under… you really ROCK jamie…
ynnej0216,
Jamie does rock but he didn’t write this list. RandomPrecision wrote it. We’ll add your comments to the list of stupid quotes.
Great list, RandomPrecision! I needed an attitude change after waking up to find my son had eaten 3, yes 3, of my white chocolate Lindor truffles! He’s really lucky that he’s so cute and that the list was funny today. Had he done it on Thursday, who knows what would have happened.
PS: I enjoyed the added commentary. Many lulz were had.
How can you leave out Football (Soccer) manager Ian Holloway?
“We’ve got a good squad and we’re going to cut our cloth accordingly, but I think the cloth that we’ve got could make some good soup, if that makes any sense”.
He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.” – talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ian_Holloway
Legend
Pretty funny list. I actually came across that second Lou Deva one a couple of days ago.
Shar: totally agree about Murray, he’s a treasure. And Whispering Ted. I used to watch snooker just to listen to him.
The writers extra comments werent funny and made the list harder to get through. The other lists don’t have them. In #13 for example it’s like the writer is saying “let me explain to you why the quote is stupid in case you don’t get it”. Just my opinion.
+1 random
I remember someone once said
“There are alot more wins than losses in football”
lol, very funny list! It’s about time we had a chuckle around here after so much controversy…
Wow, no John Madden quotes? He was full of great ones. My favorite was when he said,”He’ll run it up the A-hole and score”
what about the classic when al iafrate went down on a break away with an open net for a hatrick and shot the puck in the corner. He was questioned by a reporter about his act and responded with, “Empty net goals are for *****s.”
ha!
Haha hilarious!
Very funny RP. I liked the comments after each one – just to put the boot in
. I also used to love Murray Walker too shar.
I found a very similar bunch of UK quotes here:
http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=356
Whoa! I got published! sweet!
This just made my day =)
10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted
I guess in context it makes sense…
****
Well, I get it.
44 segue: I’be never watched rugby, so I was really confused as to what he was commenting on.
John Kruk when asked by a female reporter whether he feels that athletes like himself should be better role models:
“Lady, I’m not an athlete. I’m a baseball player.”
Cool list for a Sunday.
Wow, Parthenon club in Greece? Go Shaq!
That grass/astroturf gag was used on an early episode of Only Fools and Horses (British sitcom) in the early eighties.
Who copied who there? When did Tud McGraw say it?
Nice list RandomPrecision.
You could of coarse do whole list with just Yogi Berra.
Here’s one from Pat Riley:
“I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do; I just don’t know where to start.”
This list would be better if it included who the heck these people are.
THere are 2 #8′s
great stuff!
45. RandomPrecision: 44 segue: I’ve never watched rugby, so I was really confused as to what he was commenting on.
****
I find it funny that all I have to do is say I get it and it’s suddenly understood to be Rugby! I’m also proud of that.
BTW, my daughter’s team finished their regular season without being scored against! Ever! Not once! Play-offs don’t start until autumn, and she has to decide between playing summer 7s, or just spending the summer doing triathlons or marathons to keep fit.
Wonderful list for Sunday morning!
segue,
“BTW, my daughter’s team finished their regular season without being scored against! Ever! Not once! Play-offs don’t start until autumn, and she has to decide between playing summer 7s, or just spending the summer doing triathlons or marathons to keep fit.”
Why doesn’t she do what normal people do and relax at the beach or something? Overachievers like her typically burn and crash at an early age.
#i Amphibious!! Too funny
#11 Astroturf Wow!! Even better.
55. tweezer: She’s 30. So she spends her down time working 40+ hours a week in a high stress job.
Burnout? She’s been there, done that, and is now on what is, for her, a practically mellow schedule.
#21 is right, Yogi Berra’s fork quote isn’t like his others. He was actually right there – the road converged into two and led to the same place. Poor guy messed up so many other times that people jumped on it. Oh well, that’s what you get, Yogi.
I thought the comments at the end were ok. Do you people know we have an international audience here and maybe they don`t get the quotes. Some people like to complain about anything,what a shame.
“Soccer is like chess but without dices” Lukas Podolsky