A home menagerie – every child’s dream! But some children never seem to grow up as is evidenced by the large number of private zoos discovered around the world by law enforcement officials. While it can be legal to have your own private zoo, oftentimes it is not. This list looks at ten unusual cases of people owning and maintaining a menagerie for their own pleasure.
In September 2009, police raided a small home in the New York suburb of Queens, expecting to find the owners in possession of illegal substances. What they found, was quite a bizarre surprise. The garage was littered with cages, housing a monitor lizard, a baby python and two iguanas. Also found at the home were: a baby caiman, four geckos, two marmosets, three tarantulas, seven adult pitbulls, 1 pitbull pup and a bulldog. The Center for Animal Care & Control was dispatched, and while the home itself was in a state of disrepair, reports were that the animals were fairly well taken care of.
Former cab driver, turned New York Real Estate billionaire Tamir Sapir, 61, had his luxury yatch boarded by the US Customs and Border Protection division in late 2007. Officers seized approxmiately $85,000 worth of specimens including: bar stools upholstered with python and anaconda skin, seven carved elephant tusks, hides of jaguars, tigers and zebras, a cigarette holder made from python skin, a cigar box wrapped in elephant hide, a zebra skin lined children’s bed and a fully stuffed and mounted lion. Sapir was charged with 29 counts of attempting to import items in violation of the Endangered Species Act and slapped with a $150,000 fine. A statement from his attorney explained that Sapir was not trying to smuggle the goods into America, they were simply part of the decor of his “home away from home”.
On a passengar bus travelling from Poland to Ukraine, Border Officials were conducting a routine inspections for prohibited items. All seemed fine until they reached the cargo hold where, packed into various sized luggage, they discovered: two miniature kangaroos, five miniature ponies (each approx 50- 60cm in height) and eleven pheasants. One of the ponies was appeared pregnant. The bus driver denied knowledge of any illegal activity and claimed the luggage was delivered to him with instructions to transport them to an unknown person in Lviv, Ukraine.
Local residents phoned police and the Rock County Humane Society when they became disturbed by the presence of a dog tied to the second story balcony of the Memorial Avenue home. Upon entering the home, the discovered: six chickens, thirteen rabbits, two ball pythons, one cat, a snapping turtle, several cages full of mice and rats and (according to the source) “one native snake of unknown origin”. Officials released the turtle and snake into the wild, while the remaining animals went to the care of the Humane Society. It is believed that the owners were planning to sell the animals, except for the rats and mice, which were used as food for the pythons.
Police received several reports of a foul stench coming from a suburban Wisconsin home, belonging to a woman named Jamie Verburgt. State Conservation Warden, William Mitchell was asked to inspect the property, where he found nearly 200 animals including: alligators, scorpions, 70 ducks, snakes, rats, turtles, toads and carnivorous beetles. In an adjacent garage, Mitchell discovered the decaying corpses of ‘roadkill’ which the owner had used to feed the animals. On top of this, carcasses of raccoons, rabbits, opossums and squirrels were found in the owner’s freezer. In a very closely related case, four years earlier Verburgt’s boyfriend, John Walters was prosecuted for mistreatment of exotic animals. At the time his home was raided by police who seized: a female cougar, female leopard, silver-tailed fox, monitor lizard, two caracals, a coatimundi, chinchilla and reticulated python.
Approximately 185 animals were found living in deplorable condition at a home in Apache Junction, Arizona. Neighbours suspected mistreatment of animals and made several pleading phone calls to police before any action was taken. Included in the 185 were: 47 dogs, 96 rabbits, 18 chickens,13 goats, six horses, two cats, one pot-bellied pig, African parrot and cockatiel. In a muddy area on the other side of the property, police found a horse, undernourished and poorly cared for – it was euthanised shortly after.
A man was pulled over for a routine check, and police were astonished when he opened his hatchback to reveal over 1000 animals cramped into the small space. The animals were: 1000 terrapins, 216 budgies, 300 white mice,150 hamsters, 30 Japanese squirrels and six chameleons. Driver, Francesco Lombardo admitted smuggling the animals across Europe with the intention of selling them.
How could we talk menagerie’s without mention of Michael Jackson’s collection of strange and wonderful animals? Since Jackson’s death in September, all the animals have been sent to new homes. Amongst the more memorable were: Bubbles, the chimpanzee (Center for Great Apes, Wauchulu), Bengal tigers Thriller and Sabu (Shambala, California), Rikki the African parrot (with Freddie Hancock at the Voices of the Wild Foundation), pythons, giraffes, anacondas and two black caimans. The rest of the animals are currently at a wildlife reserve in Oklahoma, but will soon be moved to a location in Arizona.
Maybe one for a Marine Mysteries list, but in 2007 a deserted cargo ship was discovered off the coast of Qingzhou Island, China, after having lost engine power. On board were up to 5000 of some of the world’s rarest species of animals. Packed into cramped wooden crates were: 31 pangolins, 2720 monitor lizards, 44 leatherback turtles, 1130 Brazilian turtles, 21 bear paws wrapped in newspaper and a photo depicts what is suspected to be an Asian Giant turtle. The animals were transported to the nearby Guangdong Wild Animal Protection Centre.
This famous 7.7 sq. mi estate owned by drug lord, Pablo Escobar, is one of the largest privately owned menageries ever found. At the height of his success in the 1980s, Escobar imported rare and expensive animals from all over the world. The zoo included: giraffes, ostriches, elephants, ponies, rare antelopes, hippopotamuses, zebras, buffalos, camels, lions, an ocelot and several species of exotic birds. After his death in 1993, many of the animals became property of the Columbian government, except for two hippopotamuses which escaped and were later shot dead by authorities. Today, Hacienda Napoles is an official zoo and considered a major tourist attraction.
























October 8th, 2009 at 1:37 am
grt list…
October 8th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Great list!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Damn it!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:47 am
MJ owned Bengal tigers? I feel so unimformed
My idea is that if you cannot personally wrestle it, maim it or kill it with your bare hands, then you should not have the right to keep, own or eat it.
Only fair right?
Which is why i have never owned/eaten a dear, crocodile or, er, a bengal tiger.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:50 am
yet another lame list…
October 8th, 2009 at 2:06 am
good list but hate to say it but….(glug) listverse is losing its humor. Oh no! ok sorry for pointing out T_T. But great list, but except for changing all these findings to marijuana and BUSTED! And yet. 7th! I think
October 8th, 2009 at 2:18 am
put people under house arrest and people act and behave as animals in big brother type of reality shows.
but poor animals remain animals wherever they are arrested.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Yaaaaah! As a kid i always wanted all sorts of animals in my house to keep as personal pets..but now i’v restricted to cats.. Anyways interesting un-useful information..this
October 8th, 2009 at 2:22 am
A home menagerie with Randall and Bucslim in it would be a lot more fun.haw!haw!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Um sorry but for people who actually hate animal abuse like me. I wasn’t to happy with number 2’s photo.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Wait, what? #8… there’s such a thing as miniature kangaroos?? I must get one.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Lame list
October 8th, 2009 at 2:42 am
JACKSON DIED IN JUNE NOT SEPTEMBER BUT HEY NICE LIST
October 8th, 2009 at 2:42 am
poor poor animals..
October 8th, 2009 at 2:56 am
Great list! To anything: I hate animal abuse too, but this list hardly glamourizes it and the abuse isn’t lessened by covering up the realities of it – in fact showing images of cruelty and such may help raise awareness.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:05 am
how did you come up with this list?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:13 am
I was wondering whether animals will also get their dues like us humans in paradise and hell…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Don’t laugh, but my dream is to be a llama farmer. Silly, I know but they are great!
October 8th, 2009 at 3:30 am
well, number one counts as a genuine menagerie.
i’m sorry to say, but all the others seem just sad and sick modern tales of people who where either animal smugglers for profit/breeders for profit, or ill people who were animal hoarders -and one case of a collector of exotic animal parts when the critters were already deceased!
i was hoping to see true tales of modern “private zoos” legal or illegal. i guess i can put jackson in that category too. so 2/10.
“bubbles” actually moved out of neverland when he was about five (way back in the day for jackson) as he was becoming uncontrollably aggressive -which is utterly normal for a captive primate forced to live in a human home, primates CANNOT truly be “tamed”. every “cute chimp or monkey” you see on TV or in films is a juvenile, or has had their teeth pulled and been subjected to other inhumane means to “tame” them. primates are not pets. period.
i’m sorry, but i feel this list didn’t live up to the title at all (not that private zoos are great, but that’s what i was expecting, not a motley crew of hoarders, breeders, artifact/trophy collectors and smugglers……)
October 8th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Good God, you would have to be a top notch pilot to land at Hacienda Napoles.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:44 am
@spidermonkey(21) Llamas are those who have this bad habit of spitting,isn’t it?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:44 am
Boring list
October 8th, 2009 at 3:48 am
Interesting but not as interesting as I thought it would be. I have to agree…it’s more like a list of people who were collecting animals for the wrong reasons.
I mean there were lots of menageries in ancient history that could rather have been included.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:51 am
oh my…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:53 am
Q. How did the poor llama land up in zoo while taking a tour of singapore? A. The authorities decided to put him in jail after they found him spitting in public.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:54 am
@bucslim: yes they are, but I think its only when you piss them off. Everytime you see someone getting spat at by one it seems to be that they’re right up in the llamas face. If someone did that to me I’d spit at them too! Maybe I’ll go with alpacas instead…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:55 am
xth!
“a female cougar” redundant, no?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:58 am
While I kinda agree that many of these weren’t ‘real menageries’ the list was really interesting! I had to look up what a pangolin was – and they’re awesome
Btw did you know that ‘The cities of Berkeley, California and Boulder, Colorado have passed laws stating that people who have pets do not “own” them; rather, they are the pet’s “guardian.”‘ It’s from Wikipedia but I thought it was pretty cool…
October 8th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Great list!!! It’s sad that some of the animals had to put up with such bad conditions!
On another note, Queens is NOT a suburb. It’s a borough of NYC, part of NYC and large enough and populated enough that it could be considered its own city.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:12 am
@deathorats(27) talk of menageries of ancient history, people themselves were animals in those times man.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:14 am
@33 caysha: pangolins are quite well known but what is an ocelot?never heard of one before..
October 8th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Disappointing to read about the mistreatment of animals by a few greedy wretches..i wish the other way round was also possible..animals could stuff such people inside a claustrophobic little room and see how they feel like..
October 8th, 2009 at 4:52 am
he died in june you said since his death in september
October 8th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Animals in MJ’s private zoo wouldn’t complain anyway,… Micheal had himself confessed of being a lizard.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:02 am
A woman here in northeastern Pennsylvania was killed the other day by her pet bear. She had owned various animals over the years including an African lion. Her mistake with the bear was keeping it in a single cage. If she had a double cage (that is, a cage with two cells separated by a door) she could have shooed it into one half, locked it in, and cleaned the other. Instead, she had a habit of just shoveling in some dog food and cleaning the cage while he was busy eating just steps away from her. Ouch! Looks like he wanted FRESH meat that day. A neighbor shot the bear, but it was too late to save her.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Why, giving dog food to a bear is insulting!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Nice list
That pig in picture five looks pretty pot-bellied.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I believe that these people were merely preparing to make SOUP!
Nice list, fairly benign. Randall/Bucslim, take the day off.
JF: Woo-hoo! Top of the page? Top of the comments?
I can’t pick! I love the luxuries of life! Thanks.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:21 am
The one for Apache Junction…I know that one! It was all over the news and they followed where all the animals (the ones that made it) went to. It was kind of neat.
Three weeks earlier a similar case occured. There were 80 animals, including horses, pigs, a parrot and 35 shelties. There were breeding the shelties to make miniture ones.
That’s how I got my dog Lady. She was one of the last to be rescued. She’s smaller than the average sheltie but has a unique coat and eye color. Only 8 of the shelties made it out due to the conditions. She’s still skitish around people, but she’s starting to warm up now.
Cool list, Wistmanda!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:29 am
@That Guy From Pennsylvania (40): I just read about that. The article said her child [ren] and neighborhood child [ren] witnessed the attack. Sad. I can’t imagine having a wild animal as a ‘pet’-even if you did raise it. Not all stories turn out like Christian the Lion.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:30 am
This can’t be the real Bucslim. Nice list, but this ID thief is ruining the comments.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Michael Jackson died in June, not September! But otherwise, great list!
October 8th, 2009 at 5:37 am
@Moloch1123 (47): You are right. NOT the real one. The name is different and there is no avatar pic to the right. The real bucslim isn’t a spammer or a troll.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Nice list but Michael Jackson died in June NOT September.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:47 am
after the first 5 comments about “when MJ really died!!!” i think we got it. now, do any of you “jackson death date” people have a single thing to say about the list?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Always “Columbian”. It is “COLOMBIAN”. Unless, of course, the animals in Escobar’s menagerie are now property of Columbus, Ohio instead of Colombia.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Damn these people …….
MJ owns Bengal tigers and chimps…..Escabar has hippos and elephants. are these like small insects which cannot be detected through an X-ray machine or something.
Authorities please protect these endangered animals……
and poachers – F U in the ear …..
October 8th, 2009 at 6:09 am
comment 51 – lo
yeah i said it was good list
what bout u
October 8th, 2009 at 6:16 am
@BANKSIE BOY (54):
comment 23.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:18 am
@oouchan(49) i am no troll,wah!
,n this is Buclism not bucslim. Plz take note.thenk you:-)
October 8th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Awesome list. Reminds me of my dad. He used to keep a whole bunch of crazy animals (wolves, an ape, a bear) around, probably to a worse extent than this list. He got rid of all the mammals before I was born but I still grew up around all the reptiles.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:25 am
@buclism (57): I did take note, so that is why I called you a troll and a spammer. You have nothing to say but idiotic drivel. You are an imposter trying to hurt the good name of bucslim. I saw you on the other list going after him and Randall.
@lo (51): hahaha! I saw that too. Got some one track mind people around here.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Queens isn’t a ’suburb’ of New York, it is a borough of New York City, just like Manhattan, The Bronx, Staten Island and Brooklyn. A suburb would be considered a town on Long Island, Westchester County of a town in New Jersey or Connecticut.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:31 am
My brother has three pythons, nine leopard geckos, two cottonmouths, a rat snake, and a baby gator.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:37 am
@lo comment 56
fair dos
my bad
October 8th, 2009 at 6:38 am
There are villains…there are super villians…then there are randall,bucslim & oouchan
October 8th, 2009 at 6:49 am
@oouchan (44) A Sheltie ? never heard of that breed in my country before, I can look it up later I suppose, sounds like a collie dog ( Lassie in the movies )
October 8th, 2009 at 6:52 am
@undaunted warrior (65): It’s a shetland sheepdog. There are some cute pictures on google.
@buclism (64): Wow. You put me on the same playing field as bucslim and Randall. I’m honored.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:57 am
There are trolls…there are super trolls…then there is buclism.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:58 am
@64 buclism: there are idiots,there are super idiots and then there is buclism and his stupid crap..har har
October 8th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Thats all I have to say on this matter.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Add Davy Jones to the list!
(i love smileys!)
October 8th, 2009 at 7:05 am
I’m honored buclism.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Where is Randall? It’s always interestin’ when hez around..
October 8th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Interesting list.
But No.8: One of the ponies was appeared pregnant. What?!
And No.1: ColOmbian, not Columbian.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I want seven pit bulls…
October 8th, 2009 at 7:15 am
@geronimo1618 (72):
Have you read Randall’s Rant on yesterday’s list?
October 8th, 2009 at 7:25 am
@buclism (76):
Wow. You still don’t understand do you? Try reading comment 67 again.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:28 am
@buclism (76): UGH! Go! Away!
October 8th, 2009 at 7:30 am
@ames801 (78):
I completely agree.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Dear davy, please note…its ‘rant-all’ not randall
(One smiley doesn’t do justice to my jokes)
October 8th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Ha ha buclism. Your jokes are so funny they deserve a billion smileys.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:39 am
**Sarcastic laugh**
October 8th, 2009 at 7:43 am
@Davy(75) : Yeah i did,but that happens on every other list which has Randall on the go..i was thinkin’ of making a list like the ‘Top ten great debates of Randall on Listverse’ or something like that..( oh no make that 50..10 won’t suffice)
October 8th, 2009 at 7:47 am
heh heh..juz kiddin’ you know that..and why doesn’t anyone make this Buclism go away??
October 8th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Wow…it seems rather pathetic to me that he seems to get such a false sense of being cool and funny by spamming terrible jokes on an internet website. Grow up buclism.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:48 am
@geronimo1618 (82): Because everyone is talking to him. Ignore him and he’ll leave on his own. Then we’ll have the real Buc we all know and love back.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:50 am
That’s actually a really good idea geronimo1618. Even through his rants Randall makes some interesting arguments.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:52 am
It’s not a matter of commenters being Randall’s slaves, or whatever is used to insult those who like reading his comments, it’s more of a matter that the man knows his shit, and as such he has gained respect for it. That’s all it is.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:58 am
@Callie19 (81): I totally agree and immediately regretted hitting “submit” after telling him to go away. No more.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Actually, it appears it’s been taken care of. Good job admins!
October 8th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I agree with Lo – the title of this list is misleading. Most are hoarders (a symptom of mental illness eh?) or smugglers.
@geronimo1618 (75): an Ocelot is a small wildcat. All striped and cute. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ocelot
Phony Buclism – Smarten up. Please change your user name – we do not approve of identity theft – even when it’s obvious. Do not clutter up the comments with obvious attempts to inflame or insult. Please keep your comments at least semi-relevant to the list at hand. This is your only warning.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:12 am
But mom!
i thought it was a free country! And if you say i’ll try n write something constructive(try).sorry all
October 8th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Thanks Mom. I’ve wanted to say more than I did the other day, but I figured that would just be like pissing on a spark plug. Sure it will alleviate your bladder discomfort, but the shocking results aren’t that titillating as you might have hoped for.
And I appreciate the posse coming to my defense. I’m warmed by your loyalty and feel indebted by your kindness. My cup runneth over, so I better get to the bathroom soon.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:21 am
@bucslim (84): Ahhhhh! Much better
October 8th, 2009 at 8:25 am
@buclism (83): I’m immune to the man/boy whine but do appreciate the effort. Even in a free country (this web site isn’t one btw – although in the public domain it is a private blog – a benign dictatorship if you will) good manners are a necessary grease for the wheels of civilization. A point that is oft forgotten, by myself on occasion too. Just don’t let it happen again.
Don’t forget to change that user name either!
Bucslim – the real one – you’re quite welcome.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:26 am
@bucslim (84):
You’re back!
October 8th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Im a member of P.E.T.A and i hate exotic animal ownership. Ill never understand having a thousand animals in like an apartment or somthin. And hold Escobars evilness aside, i heard he took real good care of animals. Not sure tho.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Sounds quite sad, but good list =]
October 8th, 2009 at 8:47 am
OKAY…. CHECK THIS OUT FELLOW BABIES
I’ve got a prelim to run today, so busy busy busy, haven’t got a huge amount of time… but listen up, this story is a doozy.
I don’t know how Wistmanda missed this one… (copied from a 2004 article).
A MAN who lived in his own “zoo” of lizards and insects was fatally bitten by a pet black widow spider then eaten by the other creepy-crawlies.
Police broke in to Mark Voegel’s apartment to find spider Bettina along with 200 others, several snakes, a gecko lizard called Helmut and several thousand termites had gorged on his body.
Neighbours alerted police after becoming alarmed by the stink.
And horrified officers were met by a nightmare scene.
A police spokesman said: “It was like a horror movie. His corpse was over the sofa.
“Giant webs draped him, spiders were all over him. They were coming out of his nose and his mouth.
“There was everything there one could imagine in the world of reptiles.
“Larger pieces of flesh torn off by the lizards were scooped up and taken back to the webs of tarantulas and other bird-eating spiders.”
Loner Voegel, 30, never invited people back to his “jungle” home, a small apartment in the German city of Dortmund.
Police described it as a cross between a botanical garden and the butterfly breeding ground in the serial killer movie The Silence Of The Lambs.
One tarantula had built a nest the size of a swallow’s in a corner of the ceiling.
Voegel also had a boa constrictor and several poisonous frogs from South America.
Spider expert and animal cruelty officer Gabi Bayer said he kept creatures “that should never be allowed in a private home”.
She said: “He had spiders so aggressive they are the equivalent of a pit-bull in the animal world.”
The reptiles were allowed to roam free in the flat.
The heating elements on two tanks containing spiders and their termite snacks had exploded and dislodged the metal tops allowing them to escape.
Voegel is thought to have been dead for between seven and 14 days.
A post-mortem will be carried out in the next few days. But authorities believe Bettina alone was responsible for Voegel’s death.
Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article152044.ece#ixzz0TMMnmdML
October 8th, 2009 at 8:49 am
@Randall (90): GAG!! I do remember reading/hearing that story when it happened. It makes me shudder…
October 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Hmmm i wonder if it was fake buclism who got me in all that trouble the other day on the drug lord list? sigh.. no it was me.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
NOW… let’s just summarize that one. This douchebag had a home menagerie of some of the most dangerous arachnids IN THE FREAKIN’ WORLD, along with a bunch of reptiles – snakes and lizards.
One of his lil’ honeys BITES him and he CROAKS… and the pets EAT HIM. Or parts of him, anyway. He was partially EATEN BY SPIDERS and REPTILES.
**THAT** is something that only ever happened before in lost footage from f**king KING KONG.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I’ll stick with goldfish, puppies and kittens, thank you very much!
October 8th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I find myself slightly disturbed by that. I’m with ames801 over here…I’ll stick with my dogs and cat. They won’t kill me. At least I hope not o.o;
October 8th, 2009 at 9:01 am
What about the playboy mansion
October 8th, 2009 at 9:03 am
@Randall (93): Interesting post and a little scary – seeing as I have a total of 5 tarantulas at my house. Only one of which is known to be aggressive – but still!
btw – the burrowing types are quite fascinating but the others? only really interesting at feeding or moulting time. The empty husk is a great prop with which to scare the hell out of your mom or girlfriend too! (I speak from experience here). An added bonus.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:05 am
One other thing before I have to go. A word about these assholes who keep exotic pets.
Sorry, folks, but such animals are NOT meant to be pets. You know what a pet is? It’s furry, cuddly, mammalian (hence the fur), and comes when you call its name, or at least saunters over to you when it gets up its mind to. IN SHORT, pets are DOGS AND CATS. We will allow for bunnies and gerbils and hamsters, maybe rats and mice, though personally I think all those are pushing it. BUT THAT’S IT. Fish don’t count because they aren’t “pets” by any stretch of the imagination–they are DECORATION. And I am personally opposed to keeping birds as pets, because I find it cruel to cage up an animal which god granted the gift of f**king FLIGHT to… a gift he has been notoriously stingy with. But okay, you wanna have a bird—I won’t think you’re a monster for it.
BUT… BUT!!!! Reptiles and arthropods are NOT pets. The aren’t meant to be, they aren’t cute, they aren’t cuddly, they don’t look upon you with love or affection or dependence. They don’t bond you with, they don’t even NOTICE you. And if they have a chance they will KILL you and F**KING EAT YOU.
But seriously. Keeping exotic pets is not only retarded and dangerous (to you and others) it can also be cruel to the animals.
I speak from experience (shudder). Amongst the various girlfriends I had in college, there was one who kept iguanas and birds as pets. (Why, you might ask, did I put up with this dingbat? Because she was cute and had an ass like Jesus himself and Hugh Hefner got together to design it—that’s why) Visiting her apartment was an adventure every time, as every time she came home, she’d immediately set birds and lizards free to roam the house. Needless to say we did most of the dirty stuff at MY place. Or in my car. Or anywhere other than her goddamned safari-like flat.
Nevermind the fact that birds and especially reptiles SMELL. (they do). Nevermind the fact that the lizards were violent little bastards. (and weren’t so little). Nevermind that the birds, to me, seemed to only want to get away, get out, be free. The worst of it all was, I couldn’t figure out the big goddamned attraction. How is an animal you can’t hold, touch, or bond with any kind of “pet?” Oh sure, after a fashion she could stroke the birds’ feathers and even “pet” the iguanas. But it was a chore. What is the attraction? I never understood it and never approved. And to me it seemed like these animals were not happy—though to be honest, I don’t think reptiles ever ARE happy.
Parenthetically, I also knew a guy in college who had a pet tarantula. Watched him feed it grasshoppers once. Revolting. He named it after his ex-girlfriend. “Debbie the Tarantula.”
But again… sorry folks, but if you have exotic pets, you’re a numbskull. And it’s not fair to the animals. Stop it. Get a goddamned dog or a cat, and rejoin the human race.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:07 am
@lemongrass (96) Their cant ever be to many bunnies in the mansion.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:07 am
@mom424 (97):
Oh shit, mom… I’m sorry… I just ranted at length about people who keep exotic pets. I didn’t know you did. (yipes).
Uh, sorry. No offense intended, honestly. (he said sheepishly, wishing he’d kept his big mouth shut).
Do forgive. (Said seriously and with guilty shamefulness).
October 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am
What about the Hearse Castle??? That was a great little Menageries. Zebras still run wild there.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:10 am
@buclism (7): “put people under house arrest and people act and behave as animals in big brother type of reality shows.
but poor animals remain animals wherever they are arrested.”
Not necessarily. Remember that bit about how every wolf pack has an “alpha wolf,” a male who’s an absolutely dominant leader? Most don’t know that this theory was devised by studying groups of CAPTIVE wolves, which is like trying to assess human nature by studying prison gangs.
In reality, in the wild, packs are more like extended families. But like the ostrich burying its head in the sand, the alpha wolf is far too useful a metaphor to lose.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:10 am
@bucslim(84): phew!(sigh of relief),you are finally here!
@randall(92): gaaaaaah..now that’s something like ‘my worst fictional nightmare’ crossed creepy crawly inc.
served him right..didn’t he saw it coming
October 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
my god, I just basically called mom all kinds of nasty names… honestly mom, I didn’t mean it.
WHY do I open my big mouth sometimes?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:13 am
heh..on second thought nightmares are fictional..
October 8th, 2009 at 9:13 am
@Randall (98): Try telling Goldie, my daughter’s pet goldfish, that she/he’s not a real pet. She won that damn thing at a festival LAST YEAR and it’s still around. Seriously, I thought festival goldfish lasted a week tops! And, I’m not crazy, but I swear that fish recognizes when my daughter walks up to the tank. I swear!
October 8th, 2009 at 9:15 am
@randall(104): don’t you worry,mom is a kind and forgiving mother..
October 8th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Michael Jackson’s dead?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:18 am
For the most part I agree Randall. Especially with the freaking reptiles…(I don’t think I will EVER understand that attraction to be honest.) However I tend to think gerbils, bunnies, and hamsters are in the same category with dogs and cats. They qualify as cute and furry, and it is possible to bond with them. However they do have a mean bite sometimes (personal experience). As for tarantulas, well, I don’t understand WHY you would wan one of those in your house, but if it’s kept locked up I don’t see much of a problem. When you let those turds run around though, that’s when it gets to be a bit much..ew.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:18 am
@Randall (100): I don’t keep exotic pets – I have four sons remember. And for your peace of mind; all of our tarantulas are raised domestically by licensed arthrowhatever you call ‘em guys. Nothing stolen from the wild. Also, my eldest did at one point have a bearded dragon – it never stank. My boys excrete far worse aromas than the lizard ever did. Me thinks the ex either didn’t clean the terrariums often enough or they were too small for the size of the animal. Or she just had too damn many of ‘em. Also 3 of our spiders are orphans – their owners moved or bailed on them. Trust me though – I’m not becoming one of those weirdo’s – we’re not taking on any more of the dispossessed.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@Randell (104) Nightmares tonight pal mom is going to set her creepy crawlies on you.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@ames801:a goldfish should qualify as a pet..it’s the eight-legged freaks and slithery lizards and snakes that should be not..:D
October 8th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@ames801 (106):
Carnival fish are tough motherf**kers. I won a couple at a carnival when I was… oh, about 10 years old. Those fish lived for YEARS. They wouldn’t die. And they got huge. I mean, not koi sized, but still….
October 8th, 2009 at 9:21 am
@mom424 (110): Some may say the 4 sons could qualify as exotic pets…
October 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am
@Federov(108): nopes pal,jacko is still with us..in our spirits,in our etc etc…you’re kiddin’ aren’t you?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am
@mom424 (110):
Thanks for being understanding mom. You’re better to me than my real mom EVER was…
October 8th, 2009 at 9:28 am
@mom424 (110):
WAIT A SECOND…. Tarantulas… IN CANADA? Don’t ever let the creepy crawlies set their 8 eyes on a window from November to April. They’ll think they died and went to Ice Hell.
OH… and I think I told this story before—about another college girlfriend (actually, this was the one I was romantically serious about)… well after we broke up she moved to Arizona, but we remained friends and stayed in touch. So she calls me one night, and we’re chatting on the phone. All of a sudden she says, “hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.” I’m thinking, I don’t know… kettle’s boiling over, someone’s at the door, I don’t know. She’s gone for a couple minutes or so… then comes back to the phone. Turns out there was a tarantula in the house. She had to shoo it out the door with a broom. I damn near died just from the thought of it. (Randall is arachnophobic, kids).
She just treated it like it was nothing; like she’d had to let the cat out or something. She was a tough girl, that one. Loved her.
Me, I would’ve cried like a baby.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:36 am
This may be a little offtrack regarding the list, but I’m blaming Randall.
Years ago, as a resident in Orange County, California, our family had a friend who was a paramedic. He often told this story…
Our friend was part of a response team called by a VERY distraught woman to report to the home of her sister, who it appeared had been deceased for at least a week.
The biggest clue to the time of the deceased trip to the hereafter was the fact that she had been partially consumed by ants…..Mostly her face and upper torso. And the ants were still busily doing what ants do.
It apparently was quite a gruesome sight, and left her sister a hysterical mess….She couldn’t stop her sobbing and wailing…”HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!? HOW COULD THIS HAPPPENNNNN?!!!!
Our friend in the most compassionate manner he could summon finally responded to the woman…
“Well first, they send out these scouts…..”
October 8th, 2009 at 9:36 am
@Randall (117):
Bwahahahahaha. Oh man that is epic. If I am ever getting raped in a debate by you I will use my secret weapon: Tarantula! Assuming I can work up the balls to actually touch one myself.. o_O;
October 8th, 2009 at 9:43 am
@Randall (113): Carnival fish are tough motherf**kers. I won a couple at a carnival when I was… oh, about 10 years old. Those fish lived for YEARS. They wouldn’t die.
That’s what you think. They probably died several times over but your parents secretly swapped their bloated belly-up bodies with fresh new size-appropriate fish while you were off blissfully going about your school day. This was likely done to spare your fragile young mind the traumatic emotions of death so as to ensure that you grew up into the kind-hearted well-adjusted person that you are today.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:44 am
why isn’t the playboy mansion on the list
October 8th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Halloa everybody!
This is the phony bucslim who has turned over a new palm leaf.
My apologies to dear randall and bucslim and everyone else i might have offended.
Just want you to know that i respect men of knowledge (minus their vast potential to spill out swear words at will!)
P.S. Mom,my nick is okay now, ain’t it? As for the alias,just to retain my (ahem!) identity?
October 8th, 2009 at 10:09 am
@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (122): good enough young man. Your learning curve is getting pretty steep. Good job!
October 8th, 2009 at 10:10 am
not a good list. Not interesting. Big deal. I would be more interested in a list of ships found abondoned on the high seas with no crew.
Or a list of the best underwater wrecks that have been found, there are many in the great lakes including a schooner that was intact. or a list of the most famous wooden ships found, caligulas ship, to the vasa.
How about the most exotic ships, the largest ships,
How about a list of rectal diseases, from dermititus to hemmeroids. How about a list of the worst std’s. how about a list of things that kate hates about jon. a list of the most supportive bras or the best fitting under wear. How about a list of the tastiest animals, or a list of the best vegitarian dishes that resemble meat dishes and make me think I am eating a tatsty endangered species, but I am not.
Just a few rambling ideas.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:11 am
A comment towards this list in general…I’ve always been baffled by the selfishness of people who insist on keeping true exotics as personal pets….Primates, large cats, endangered reptiles, exotic birds, reef fish, etc.
They don’t have any regard to the cruelty of taking a beautiful creature from it’s natural habitat, and rarely can give the proper care or diet to maintain the animal’s health.
Nor do the care about the impact that demanding such creatures can have on the environment from which they are robbed. For every kept creature, sometimes dozens were poached that never survived the experience.
The salt water fish industry often has relied on cyanide fishing methods, which has left reefs and their habitants decimated in some regions of the world. The target fish, their neighbors and the home that took thousands of years to evolve and establish itself. An entire tourist income to these countries, lost forever, for the selfish desire of an exotic tank owner.
When I was a child, my mother chose to become the owner of a Spider Monkey, rather chic in the mid 60’s.
That little guy did everything a well schooled monkey SHOULD do…he flew from the ceiling lamps, climbed curtains like they were the Empire State Building and marked his territory in every conceivable spot he could find. My mother was horrified….and rather edgy with the lack of sleep due to his angry nighttime chittering.
Then the little guy BIT…me and my mom were both bit by the monkey. And I kindof liked him..:( And what do you have to do when a monkey bites you? Make sure you don’t have rabies.
How do you do that…Take him to the vet, have him killed and check his brain cells for the disease. Testing proved that the little guy was clean for rabies. Yayy!
Nice ending to the story of the chic pet…dead for doing what they do with no problem in the wild.
Please excuse my rant…But I just don’t get the mentality of these people.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:17 am
@Randall (117): You too? I crap every time I see a wolf spider, dude.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:18 am
@mom424 (123): You’re a mod, right? I’m still new-ish
October 8th, 2009 at 10:22 am
@ mom424(123)
“good enough young man”
You sure are clever mom. you figured that out. i am just 19.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:24 am
The picture for number 2 is a little disturbing. Perhaps a warning wouldn’t go amiss.
Interesting list though.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@ianz09 (127): yes. lets keep it quiet though. I generally don’t comment as one eh? Just as myself.@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (128): Yes too!
October 8th, 2009 at 10:44 am
@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (128):
Yeah well it’s still unacceptable to me – why don’t you try making a name for yourself instead of latching on to the most brilliant commenter since Cicero? Stop being a such a pussy and say something useful for a change.
Oh, that’s right you can’t make a name for yourself here because no one cares what you have to say. Awwww, too bad tiger.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:01 am
@bucslim (131) I totaly agree, you keep baiting him and he responds with glee, we should all ignore him and he might pick up his toys an hopefully ago and play on the highway – a leopard never changes his stripes.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (128):
It didn’t require that much cleverness to figure out you’re a kid, jerkwad. Frankly I think you’re still lying and are only about 15. The 19 year olds I know are a lot smarter and can actually form coherent sentences. But then you’re not at all funny either, and I know some 15 years olds who are a hell of a lot funnier than you.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@ianz09 (126): ICK on the wolf spiders! I used to work in an office attached to a warehouse. When I opened the building and turned on the lights I could see those things scatter! And one of the guys in the warehouse, knowing I HATE spiders, showed me a “cute” little trick: it seems the wolf spiders carry the baby spiders on their back and when you step on it you kill the momma spider but you can see the teeny-tiny baby spiders crawl off in every direction. DI-sgusting!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@bucslim(131)
“most brilliant commentator since Cicero”
Well..I am not sure.That’s a toss between you and Randall
and as for writing something useful, i too have started scanning wikipedia like the most of the chaps here.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Sorry that should read tiger and not leopard, I get mixed up here in my lab. Ive got tigers with dots, chickens that bark, my cats lay eggs. – enyway buc Im in on this one with you.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:11 am
@undaunted warrior n randall (132 n 133)
why can’t you be a lot more optimistic and expect better out of me like mom. i have apologized here, haven’t i??
how shall i make myself clearer,oh dear..
October 8th, 2009 at 11:14 am
@Randall (117): It appears you’re a very amorous person (given your side-bar stories). Do you just keep a different girl in every port
October 8th, 2009 at 11:14 am
@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (137): how shall i make myself clearer,oh dear..
How about growing the fuck up, for starters.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:15 am
i have not read all the posts, but i will say this:
this list could have been better if it focused wither on animal trafficking, endangered animal exploitation, animal hoarding, or illegal possession of animals…but combining all in one list is not enlightening, it’s confusing, since each one is an entire genre of inhumanity upon itself.
here in Florida, we have lots of issues with illegally owned, dangerous animals & animal smuggling. I personally know of an individual whom owned an exotic pet store who served federal time for attempting to smuggle poison dart arrow frogs into the country from the wilds of South America, where he was working as researcher!!!
next to drugs, the animal blackmarket trade is the next most profitable. it is often difficult to show a poverty stricken individual in a third world country why preserving their wild bears is more ecologically sound in the long term than killing them for their gallbladders, which pays handsomely now.
i have had my own menagerie over the years…all legal & licensed. in 2001 i was living in a large apartment and i had in my home
2 dogs
8 cats
2 bearded dragons
1 blue tongue skink
3 red tailed boas
1 black & white tegu
1 female panther chameleon
6 ferrets
1 skunk
3 raccoons
1 grey fox
4 squirrels
2 african spur-thighed tortoises
1 jungle carpet python cross
3 Gambian pouched rats
1 Argus monitor
1 millipede
1 red kneed tarantula
1 Goliath tarantula
and my home was not deplorable. i did spend alot of time feeding, cleaning, & caring for my animals, & i took pride in them being healthy and happy.
eventually i grew out of the “herp” trade. (i sold or gave away my reptiles & invertebrates) my ferrets all passed away, 3 of my cats passed away, i stopped being a volunteer at a wildlife rescue organization, & now i only have 5 cats, 2 dogs, the Argus Monitor, 1 Red Tail boa, and sadly, my beloved skunk passed away in July.
i do not consider my home “the zoo” anymore…and now that i am older, i appreciate the time i had with all those animals. but i honestly can say i never want to be that involved in my housework again!
there are people, especially those involved in the veterinary field or other zoological science, whom enjoy the company of several animals & learn from them. having multiple pets is almost a prerequisite for the career!
October 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Maggot (120):
“…This was likely done to spare your fragile young mind the traumatic emotions of death so as to ensure that you grew up into the kind-hearted well-adjusted person that you are today.”
Well, in that you are assigning far too much compassion to my family, who are cold and tough-skinned folk who like to play appalling practical jokes on stupid people, and who believe that the sappier emotions are for the weak and feeble.
In point of fact, I was made to attend family funerals (which were such regular affairs that I had a lil’ black suit that was reserved just for these repeat occasions) so that I might “face death, our constant companion.” See, long-life does not run in my family. Everybody kicks off before the wrinkles set in.
Explains my lifelong love of Universal and Hammer horror films and cheesy old horror movies in general. (My sister, who is 10 years older than me, used to sit me down and make me watch monster movies with her on Saturday afternoons, when I was but a tyke. Other people my age have fond memories of various televison pleasantries and sitcoms from their childhood; my fond memories are tied to “Monster Movie Matinee” and “Dark Shadows.”) In fact, I trace my fear of spiders to a vivid memory from childhood… I was about 3 years old or so, so 1968 or 69… and my oldest brother (15 years my senior) and his friends were watching the old Jack Arnold giant-bug flick, “Tarantula” one saturday afternoon, and I was cajoled into joining them. Giant spider = lifelong arachnophobia. No brainer.
I now possess the largest collection of classic horror films east of Forrest Ackerman’s spare bedroom (I shit you not). And I’m passing on the traumatic tradition to my daughters, who are already amusingly dark children.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
What the hell is wrong with these people? They should be made to live in the same deplorable conditions in which they were found.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:21 am
grown ups…
October 8th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Randell (133) I mentioned it in a previos comment most of these w—–s have not even have had their first shave yet and they want to give us older guys advice on how to do things.
Relax pal, how many of them have we had over the last 18 month. They fade away eventully.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@ames801 (134):
AH… I forgot! I have ANOTHER spider story. I think this is another one I’ve already told elsewhere on the site, but it’s still one of my faves.
Some years ago, when I was younger and in college, I worked nights for drinking cash at a local Kmart. So on this one hapless eve, I made my way to the back storeroom to bring out some merchandise to restock the shelves. Going about my business, I suddenly noticed something on the floor out of the corner of my eye. It moved. Which in turn nearly caused ME to move. My bowels, that is. Because it was THE BIGGEST F**KING SPIDER I had ever seen in my life. That is, in person, and outside of zoos. Now, truth be told, this was no tarantula, so my ex-girlfriend still has it over me—she probably would have challenged this little f**ker to single combat. Me, I was frozen in my tracks.
Now, whilst I stood there considering the efficacy of wetting myself, it seemed as if the nasty, hairy thing noticed me for the first time. Now, you, like me, have probably enough experience with creepy critters to know that they’re much more scared of big ol’ you than *you* are of they.
Imagine my surprise, shock, horror, and startlement, then, when this big bastard actually CHARGED ME.
I mean it—the damn thing came at me with murder in its eyes. All 8 of ‘em.
It was at this point that I exclaimed something like “MOTHER OF ALL THAT LIVES AND BREATHES”… something colorful like that… and roused myself from my frozen terror enough to STOMP the creepy son of a bitch.
Not much of a story? Big deal, grown man steps on a biggish spider which is still, nevertheless, tiny compared to him? Well, the nastiness of it is that I am not lying or exaggerating when I say this spider *charged* me. It wasn’t just “headed my way in a hurry” nor is it possible that it hadn’t noticed me. It had in fact frozen in place when it saw me move, at first, and did that little spidery aggressive move where it rose up a bit on its legs…. and then it came to the fateful decision to go hell-for-leather and take a shot at attacking the giant primate in its way. The fact that I brutally won the contest does not alter the enormity of the truth—which is that that was one bad-ass spider with grapefruit sized balls.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@ames801 (134): Ew… Ew… I’m not a wuss, I mean, very few things in life scare me. Not to sound cocky or whatever, I just don’t suffer from many phobias. But if I saw that… I can honestly say there would be a high chance of me crying. And if not that, I would spend the rest of the week smacking every little tickle or itch with lightning-fast paranoia. Me and spiders are very much not friends. When I go to my basement, I carry a loaded airsoft pistol to pick off those suckers from afar… I’ve gotten kind of good at it.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Wow Randall, you sure know how to tell a story.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:39 am
@Randall (144): There I go, now I’m paranoid. Thanks man. On a side note, I enjoyed the story despite its truly diturbing subject matter….
October 8th, 2009 at 11:39 am
@Randall (144): There I go, now I’m paranoid. Thanks man. On a side note, I enjoyed the story despite its truly disturbing subject matter….
October 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Going back to wolf spiders: they JUMP at you!! No lie.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@ames801 (138):
“It appears you’re a very amorous person (given your side-bar stories). Do you just keep a different girl in every port”
Is that a question or an observation?
You make me blush.
I am… uh… *extremely* amorous and, let’s face it, dirty-minded to an extreme. I have some great memories and am still, thankfully, working on new ones.
Life ain’t always a treat, trust me. I was only *slightly* exaggerating about the omnipresence of death in my family, for instance… but in some ways I’ve lived well.
And to put it bluntly, I love the dirty girls.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:41 am
@mom424 (130): Note to self: Avoid pissing off mom. lol j/k, I try not to be a dick of a user on here, so I doubt I’ll require moderation.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:42 am
@ames801 (149): Yeah. I hate those things. Truly.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:43 am
@Randall: In the previous list (when I was asking about your book),I had posted a comment asking you to make your book available in the Asian market so that I can have a look in..if you hadn’t noticed then I ask you again senor.
@Other Listversians: Don’t pay attention to any stupid attention seeker
October 8th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Actually, my friend told me about when his dad was away for a mission trip to Africa (forget what country), he was sitting around the camp, when one of the female missionaries screamed in pure abject terror. When he went to find out what happened, they found out (after she managed to talk through her tears), that while she was showering, a baboon spider (think Africa’s version of the South American bird-eating tarantula) made quite a debut by crawling right over her foot.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@geronimo1618 (153):
Ah yes… I took note of the request… I’m not sure that that will be up to me… and let’s be cautious here–the thing isn’t even published yet. It’s not even totally DONE yet. But if people’s reactions to it (those that have read parts of it so far) mean anything, then it *ought* to make publication with little trouble.
Thanks for your interest in any event.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@Randall (150): Who doesn’t like a ‘nice’ girl to introduce to friends/family that can still be ‘naughty’ in private?? I think that’s pretty standard, no? I think there’s a line in some (hip-hop) song “I need a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets” or something like that…
(I just checked my hair and makeup in the mirror before I responded to this. Weirdo).
October 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am
where the hell is my post? i spent some 10 minutes writing it…sent it, then didn;t see it posted, so i copy & pasted it to resend it, and was sent to a page on WordPress saying it’s a duplicate comment…but where the hell is it???
October 8th, 2009 at 11:51 am
@ianz09 (154): Ack! My curiosity always gets the best of me: I just image-searched a baboon spider. My heart dropped to my toes. I am currently sitting indian style so my feet are not on the floor. Not sure what that’s supposed to do but it makes me feel better.
October 8th, 2009 at 11:58 am
@ames801 (156):
“Who doesn’t like a ‘nice’ girl to introduce to friends/family that can still be ‘naughty’ in private?? I think that’s pretty standard, no?”
Well yeah, standard desire, but not a wholly *common* find.
But this is what kept my marriage together for 8 years or whatever it was… my wife and I were incompatible as people, had little in common… but she was gorgeous and fantastic fun in the bedroom. And I did my part too.
(I pride myself on being… well… nah. That’ll sound boastful… let’s just say that offering pleasure to another person is *itself* a source of pleasure for oneself.
)
“I think there’s a line in some (hip-hop) song “I need a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets” or something like that…”
I’d get totally behind that sentiment, yeah. There’s nothing hotter than an attractive, classy, intelligent, sophisticated woman with poise and grace who is Audrey Hepburn in public and a a fun-loving whore in the bedroom.
“(I just checked my hair and makeup in the mirror before I responded to this. Weirdo).”
flirtatious minx.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Not a spider, but still, an arthropod… my favorite—the Prius-sized Coconut Crab:
http://cocokrispybeans.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/coconut20crab20scampering4s.jpg
October 8th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@ames801 (156): Hmm, gotta love hip hop!
October 8th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@ames801 (158): I pride myself in being able to keep my curiosity in check. It saved me from looking up 2 girls 1 cup before I actually Urban Dictionay-ed it. Damn, what would I have done to myself?
October 8th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@Randall (160): That thing can remove fingers.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@ianz09 (163):
Fingers? Take your head off, man.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
@ianz09 (162): Yeah, some of us (ME) never listen to the warnings: I actually looked up 2 girls…I feel like I lost whatever innocence I had left.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@Randall (159):
“flirtatious minx”
I take pride in that little personality trait ‘o mine.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
@ames801 (165): I avoided that one, but screwed up and looked at Mr Hands *shudder* and Tubgirl *barf*.
@Randall (164): We have a common phobia. On the spiders list I had mentioned a story about when one was on my face. It woke me up at 3 am. When I thought I got it off me and tried to go back to sleep, the little f**ker was hiding out in my hair. Crawled in my ear. No sleep for me that night.
Exotic animals should never be pets. I would like them, but I can’t be that cruel. I am fine seeing them in the wild. I even have issues with zoos.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@Randall (90): Best story ever. Thanks
October 8th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
@oouchan (167): Thanks a bunch, oouchan! I have not idea what Mr Hands is…hurry up and convincingly warn me!! HURRY!
Tubgirl, on the other hand, I saw in print at the very young age of 19…I was confused, sickened and a little bitter at the world after that.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@El the erf a.k.a. phony bucslim (142): Because I am a mom; a nurturer. That and I’d rather educate someone and make them a friend. You’ve pissed off a rather tight knit community – it’ll take a bit for them to forgive you. But it is possible. Be brief and respectful and circumspect in your comments for a while. They’ll come around. Eventually. And in deference to Bucslim, I’d change my nic to El the erf. It’s kind of cute and we all know who you are now.
Roxy – I have no idea. Your well thought out comment is NOT in moderation. Try again please?
October 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@ames801 (169): I have not idea what Mr Hands is
It’s a series of educational videos on the art of erotic massage. I urge you to look them up, post-haste.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@Maggot (171): I’m not just another pretty face. I smell a rat…or a horse
October 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
neverland doesn’t particularly live up to my expectations
October 8th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@Maggot I just spewed dr. pepper all over my screen, excellent description!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I had an iguana for many years(she now lives with my nephew)who was a true pet. She knew who I was. She even perked up when I got home. She would climb up onto my shoulder and I would hand feed her fruit. She was actually quite affectionate(for a reptile). She really liked to sleep on my lap as I watched TV, although it was probably for the warmth. When I visit my nephew the iguana seems to be happy to see me.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
lions, tigers & bear’s oh my
October 8th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
170 – wait, mom424 is actually a mom? You DO NOT want to know what I thought your name meant…
October 8th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
@Maggot (171): Now that’s just mean! But an accurate description.
@ames801 (172): You would be right. Read up on the short film, Zoo.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@oouchan (178): Now that’s just mean!
The internet is a dangerous place, oouchan. lol
October 8th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
And I thought my house was crazy
October 8th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Sheesh, people are making to much out of the no. 2 picture. I hate animal abuse too, but come on. There is heaps worse out there. If you are disturbed by that, what happens when you see roadkill?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I think that picture is pretty funny. Not because its a bear or anything, I just… I dunno. You have to admit it though, eh? It’s pretty funny though, eh? I mean, you have to admit it eh?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
how do you smuggle hippos?
October 8th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
You put them in condoms and then swallow them.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@Woyzeck (185): That was funny as hell.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@ames801 (173): Hey, just a word of advice. Whenever anybody tells you to look something up, and you aren’t quite sure what it is, or if it will mentally scar you/make you want to gouge out your eyes, go to Urban Dictionary. Saved me from searing the images of the Unholy Trinity into my retinas. I think it is safe to say that Urban Dictionary has the potential to prevent suicide.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Randall you are on fire today mate, never have I been so entertained yet so creeped out at the same time. I admire your intestinal fortitude regarding your 2nd story, if I had been in that situation, I would of run out of the room screaming with arms flailing wildly. Not a girly scream mind you but a scream none the less.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
@Randall (165): That thing is a beast. And it climbs trees? Just when you thought it was safe to climb trees. I have no idea if there is a phobia for crabs* (probably), but if there is, those poor bastards are so boned.
*Not the kind you may have thought of, Maggot, Randall, others.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Randall’s story about being ‘charged’ is fucking intense. Well-written man, well-written.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Randall, another thing. Half of your comments are tearing into people, the other half are joking with people. Just for organization’s sake, who bears your stamp of approval, and who doesn’t? How does one apply for an RSOA? And is there a fee? Cash, check, or PayPal?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
@Woyzeck (190):
Thanks, man. I was just admiring your work over in the Firearms thread. You have my sincere respect, and I’m grateful for an evening of laughing my fucking my ass apart.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Randall at Kmart Exclaiming:
“MOTHER OF ALL THAT LIVES AND BREATHES”…
http://www.juicebrighton.com/files/blogs/spider%20attack.JPG
Great stories Randall
October 8th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
For those of you that suffer from arachnophobia:
I read a while back on the back of a Snapple cap that we swallow an average of seven spiders a year in our sleep. I realize it’s not from the best source and don’t if it’s true or not, but anyway, something to think about.
Sleep well tonight
October 8th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
@ianz09 (187): Too little too late this time around. But thanks anyways. I’ll remember this in the future though. Like I said, my curiosity will almost always win. Almost. Just curious-have they since made bestiality illegal?
October 8th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
@Shifty (194): I Snoped it and that Snapple cap is a liar! Phew! I can sleep well tonight. (although that may have more to do with the wine than the Snopes info)
October 8th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
@ianz09 (191):
“…another thing. Half of your comments are tearing into people, the other half are joking with people. Just for organization’s sake, who bears your stamp of approval, and who doesn’t?”
We just met and you want all my fucking trade secrets? Mumsie brought you up to have a lot of nerve, didn’t she?
People who are smart, funny, have a sense of humor, don’t take this shit too seriously and “get it” are on my golden list. Everyone else can suck it.
Want me to rattle off a list of those I respect here? I’d only forget somebody and end up hurting their feelings. But when I say my prayers at night, it’s “god bless bucslim, and mom, and oouchan, and Maggot, and kiwiboi, and jfrater, and ames, and ringtailroxy and segue…” and…oh fuck, there’s at least a dozen others. But then god never listens to me, cuz Jesus hates me.
“How does one apply for an RSOA?”
a Recovering Sex Offender? How the hell should I know? Look in the yellow pages. I’m not even sure what government agency you go to ask for the forms.
But you mean you wanna be on the Randall team, I suggest you develop a skill… you know, like Face was the good looking shmoozer, BA was the muscle, Hannibal’s the brains… then fill out the proper paperwork with the Feds, and you should hear something back in five or six months.
“And is there a fee?”
Fuck Yeah!! Whaddya think this is, charity? I got a boat to keep up, man! That new jib furler I need isn’t going to pay for itself!
“Cash, check, or PayPal?”
RANDALL TAKES NO CHECKS. No checks, no problem, my friend Johnny Zorba used to say.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@ames801 (195): At least in that state where it happened. Idk about anywhere else. I imagine most of it occurs in Bumfuck, Nowhere, so I’m not sure how much it would get enforced…
*shudder*
October 8th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
This is really sad. Poor animals.
My boyfriend is from Germantown. Weird to see two places on one list that are so close to home. Crazy Wisconsin animal hoarders.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
ames801:
Blow up that avatar picture and send it to me, please.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Blogball:
Yeah, it was like that. Just pissed myself again. Thanks.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
@Randall (200): Ummm, I’m not dum for reel…but I’m not sure how two do that…
P.S. grammatically incorrect for effect
October 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Randall (197): “We just met and you want all my fucking trade secrets? Mumsie brought you up to have a lot of nerve, didn’t she?”
She did, and yes I do. If I’m gonna get ahead in this world, I gotta play all my cards. You better fess up, because I’m getting pretty close to figuring out a way to shoot you through my computer screen…
“People who are smart, funny, have a sense of humor, don’t take this shit too seriously and “get it” are on my golden list. Everyone else can suck it.”
I’m smart funny (ok, debatable), have a sense of humor, and don’t take this shit too seriously, but can I still suck it?
“Want me to rattle off a list of those I respect here? I’d only forget somebody and end up hurting their feelings. But when I say my prayers at night, it’s “god bless bucslim, and mom, and oouchan, and Maggot, and kiwiboi, and jfrater, and ames, and ringtailroxy and segue…” and…oh fuck, there’s at least a dozen others. But then god never listens to me, cuz Jesus hates me.”
That’s thoughtful, shows you care. You have a tough exterior, but admit it… You’re just a big ol’ softy!
“Recovering Sex Offender? How the hell should I know? Look in the yellow pages. I’m not even sure what government agency you go to ask for the forms.”
Dammit, I’ll never be able to get rid of that stupid tag on my house on the internet! I lower people’s resale value on their homes. Should I be proud of that…?
“Fuck Yeah!! Whaddya think this is, charity? I got a boat to keep up, man! That new jib furler I need isn’t going to pay for itself!”
Piss. I’m dirt poor. I have no cash.
“RANDALL TAKES NO CHECKS. No checks, no problem, my friend Johnny Zorba used to say.”
Well, as stated above, I have no money. I can bake you cookies, teach you a cool magic trick, or suck your dick. Two of those involve blindfolds and handcuffs, and I’ll give you a hint: it isn’t the cookies.
Are any of those suitable payments?
October 8th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
That Tamir Sapir sombitch oughta be castrated with a sledgehammer.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
@ianz09 (203):
“You better fess up, because I’m getting pretty close to figuring out a way to shoot you through my computer screen…”
Bring it, punk. The undead don’t bleed, remember?
“I’m smart funny (ok, debatable), have a sense of humor, and don’t take this shit too seriously, but can I still suck it?”
Wait a sec… yer a *dude,* right? Sorry man, Randall doesn’t swing that way.
“That’s thoughtful, shows you care. You have a tough exterior, but admit it… You’re just a big ol’ softy!
”
FUCK YOU.
okay, yeah, I’m kinda sentimental and sweet, yeah. But you tell anybody I’ll slice you up like eggplant for moussaka.
“Dammit, I’ll never be able to get rid of that stupid tag on my house on the internet! I lower people’s resale value on their homes. Should I be proud of that…?”
Are they assholes? Then yes.
“Piss. I’m dirt poor. I have no cash.”
Get a job. Borrow money from mom. Sell a kidney.
“Well, as stated above, I have no money. I can bake you cookies,”
Randall is strictly a Mediterranean diet kinda guy. No cookies.
“teach you a cool magic trick,”
Satan has already granted me various powers. I got no need to pull quarters outta people’s ears.
“or suck your dick.”
hmm. Second hummer reference of the night, ianz. While I’m flattered, I prefer to be serviced by the ladies… sorry man. In fact, it’s not just a preference… it’s kinda a rule I live by. Just how I roll.
“Two of those involve blindfolds and handcuffs, and I’ll give you a hint: it isn’t the cookies.
Are any of those suitable payments?”
NO. They’re not!
But you have imagination, I’ll give ya that…
October 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
@Randall (205): MWAH!
October 8th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
G’night folks.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
in number one it says “columbian” it should be “colombian”.
but nice list either way!
October 8th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
In comments 46 and 65, two different commenters have already pointed that out.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
@Randall (205): “Bring it, punk. The undead don’t bleed, remember?”
Liar. You aren’t undead, you’re a robot! So much for not bleeding, hoe!
“Wait a sec… yer a *dude,* right? Sorry man, Randall doesn’t swing that way.”
Well, I am now.
“FUCK YOU.
okay, yeah, I’m kinda sentimental and sweet, yeah. But you tell anybody I’ll slice you up like eggplant for moussaka.”
Jokes on you, I’m already sliced up like eggplant for moussaka. If by sliced up like eggplant for moussaka you mean high.
I don’t get high actually, but hopefully that was funny before my disclaimer.
“Get a job. Borrow money from mom. Sell a kidney.”
Have a job (sucks), mom cut me off, already did that, twice.
“Randall is strictly a Mediterranean diet kinda guy. No cookies.”
They’re Mediterranean cookies. Don’t ask for more information.
“Satan has already granted me various powers. I got no need to pull quarters outta people’s ears.”
They don’t come out of the ears, use your imagination.
“hmm. Second hummer reference of the night, ianz. While I’m flattered, I prefer to be serviced by the ladies… sorry man. In fact, it’s not just a preference… it’s kinda a rule I live by. Just how I roll.”
I was just joking. I’m straight. I have a beautiful girlfriend. No, I can’t prove it. Just trust me. Please, please trust me.
“NO. They’re not!
But you have imagination, I’ll give ya that…”
Damn. What is? And thank you
October 8th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
@Randall (205): Forgot: “Are they assholes? Then yes.”
One of them is. Take that, Grandma, you stuck-up whore!
” ‘I’m smart funny (ok, debatable), have a sense of humor, and don’t take this shit too seriously, but can I still suck it?’
Wait a sec… yer a *dude,* right? Sorry man, Randall doesn’t swing that way.”
Technically, neither of us designated that the “it” referred to above was male genitalia. Ha! Got you! You have a dirty mind, not me!!!
WHO’S THE REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER NOW?!
lawl
October 8th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
@ianz09 (211): lulz
October 8th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
@ianz09 (210): I can’t even…I mean, I don’t get…I’m sorry-I don’t get the joke.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
@ames801 (213): Which one? I’m not sure how much of that actually made sense.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
@ianz09 (214): Hey! Wait a minute! You said you didn’t get into fights with Randall! Well, I’m not even sure if this is a fight. Is it?
October 8th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
But on a completely different note, isn’t that marmoset in picture 10 just adorable?!
October 8th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
@GiantFlyingRobo (215): I don’t think it’s a fight… Dammit, if I got suckered into a fight, I’m gonna be upset!
October 8th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
There, there.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Hey, Ianz. Got some questions for you. Am I funny? At all? Have I ever made you LOL? Do you like cheese? What’s your theory of the creation of the universe?
October 9th, 2009 at 1:16 am
“Lame list”, “lame list” – change the freaking record! *I* enjoyed this list a lot, thank you, if you think it’s “lame” maybe you’re only entertained by loud sparkly things that can hold your minute attention span for longer than two minutes.
http://www.forkinggeenyus.wordpress.com
October 9th, 2009 at 3:51 am
@BANKSIE BOY(13): hehe thanks I knew that too so maybe the writer of this list must’ve have mistaken it.
@spidermonkey(18): BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
October 9th, 2009 at 4:00 am
ianz09(270): Hey man calm down…. you wanna get me into this? bring it on I wanna get into fights so you suck your moms dick and fuck your fathers tits and vaginas
October 9th, 2009 at 4:04 am
I am just gonna comment here….
October 9th, 2009 at 4:13 am
um bla
October 9th, 2009 at 4:15 am
hehe bla bla
October 9th, 2009 at 4:16 am
hehe bla bla bla
October 9th, 2009 at 4:16 am
@ deeezinner
Randalls story is nightmarish.
(Im sorry if Im spelling all your names wrong Im lazily using a graphics pen which makes it difficult for me to scroll efficiently)
Where I live,there are little deer called Muntjacs & Chinese water deer that roam freely.The story goes that they were impoted from China by a rich guy in the 1920s but a few escaped and multiplied.I dont know how true the story is but theyre really pretty,if a little shy..
October 9th, 2009 at 4:23 am
balab lbalab balaba la na;an mnalkla bla bala
October 9th, 2009 at 4:24 am
BLA BLA BLAB LBAL BALA BLAB LABA LAB LAB LABA
October 9th, 2009 at 6:54 am
@saber 25 (221): I said DON’T laugh. Oh well too late now. I guess I’ll never get those llamas, or alpacas for that matter….
October 9th, 2009 at 7:59 am
@Mike (11): i think they must mean a wallaby since theres no such thing as a miniature kangaroo
October 9th, 2009 at 8:11 am
@saber25 (222): Dude, what the hell? Who the fuck was talking to you? Me and Randall were exchanging jokes. I don’t know why you are on my case, but you are pissing me off now. You wanna get into fights? Get into fights with somebody who cares. It makes no difference to me if you reply to with some stupid non-sensical remark or if you sit in the corner and fuck yourself with a cucumber. If I make you that mad, ignore my freaking posts.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:18 am
@Randall (90): Oh, that just made me nauseaus… All the while I was thinking of a story I read about a while back. Apparently, these two elderly twin sisters in Pacific Palisades, California decided that they wanted to raise rats… lots and lots of rats. It turned into a huge legal thing because the damn “pets” were invading the entire neighborhood. Not sure how it turned out though, I was traumatized enough by the video I saw once showing the huge, cat-sized rats running around.
*shudders*
October 9th, 2009 at 9:36 am
About time us Wisconsinites made it onto a list! Well I suppose Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein must have made one earlier.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@ianz09 (203): or suck your dick
Well that took an unexpected turn.
@ianz09 (210): I was just joking. I’m straight. I have a beautiful girlfriend. No, I can’t prove it. Just trust me. Please, please trust me.
Too late. The horse is already out of the barn. Be proud of your gayness, it is nothing to be ashamed of. The only consequence I see is that now those on the losing end of a Randall diatribe can add “well you attract gay suitors!” to their list of weak retorts.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:39 am
how about ferdinand marcos’ personal safari in palawan, philippines. thanx to him there is giraffes in the island
October 9th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
if u cant kill a deer with ur own hands ur a pussy….and thats all a bunch of bunk…were at the top of the food chain idiot….love the list
October 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
@Maggot (235): Damn, I knew that joke would fuck me over in the end… One fellatio joke is acceptable, 2 is too much.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@Yondofan12 (234): Ha ha ha ha, I fucking love those guys! Apart from the killing and all.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
@deathorats (23): just saying that i lurve your handle. i think my favorite phrase is “smart monkey move” from thud.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Oh Boy, what has this site come to. Randall, Mom.., ooouchan are like the pitbulls of listverse. Listverses very own gang , waiting on an innocent or slightly annoying “commenter” to come along so they can jump them and laugh about to themselves. God forbid someone diagrees with them. Jus saw Randall crucify “exotic pet owners” in one breath and take everything back because of Mom in another (rolls eyes). Thought it was one dude who OWNED the site.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@ thetruth (241) – I am astonished and amused by how much time they waste patrolling the site and dropping garrulous comments every five minutes as well. I think they believe they are doing the site a “service.” Whatever floats their boat, I suppose. And yes, you’re right, they are a clique who only attacks “ignorant” outsiders.
October 13th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@thetruth (241): I can only think of one word to describe you: killjoy.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Nice list! Michael Jackson died on 25 June 2009. He was buried in September. I didn’t feel like reading all 243 comments to see if it had been mentioned before– I just see the paragraph should be corrected.