Today we are presenting a countdown of the 10 Action movies that truly fail to live up to their genre. These are action films that are so ridiculous, they end up being comedies. So go ahead crack open another beer, order some Chinese and check your brain in before you read on!
Lou Diamond Phillips plays Jack La Roca, a US Marshall and former Navy Seal assigned to pick up “Rabbit”, who is in the federal witness protection program but has been on the run. La Roca is to take Rabbit from Arizona to California to testify in court against some mobsters, but along the way they run into a variety of obstacles, the most serious of which are the result of La Roca’s decision to take a shortcut on Route 666. There a number of truly hilarious moments in this movie, the scene with the indian fortune teller will leave you scratching your head as will the acting!
Best Line: “I’ve got two black dogs!”
If you don’t like Stallone then this film will not change your mind! When a fashion model happens to see the ugly face of a sadistic psychopath (Brian Thompson), Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) becomes the main target of the secret “New World” society stopping at nothing to slay her. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti (Stallone), in his gun metal-gray classic Mercury, and armed with guns, knives, grenades, and firearms, is assigned to protect the statuesque blonde. The movie is violent and bloody and contains one of the most funniest car chase sequences ever filmed. The robot dance scene makes absolutely no sense what so ever, but hey I doubt the director intended this to compare to the bicycle thief!
Best Line: “I don’t deal with psychos. I put ‘em away”
So bad yet so darn good! Sometimes, you see a film that rocks your world. A film that normally you wouldn’t even pick off the shelf unless someone told you about it. Stone Cold is that film. Starring man of the day Brian ‘the Boz’ Bosworth this low budget action vehicle is one of the most fun action-flicks that I have ever seen. What’s right with it? In terms of your normal studio producer films – very little. The acting is poor, the script dreadful, continuity (especially the hysterically bad bike chase) is just atrocious and that’s just the opening few scenes. As I said – not a perfect film but a pretty damn perfect nights entertainment.
Best Line: John Stone [after beating up three would-be grocery store robbers]: You better clean up on aisle four.
Those of us who have grown up through the 80s and 90s know what qualifies for a good action movie. Bloodsport is one of those said action movies, for that is not made for the viewer to dissect characters, acting or even plot. Jean Claude Van Damme was considered one of the superstars in the Action/Adventure genre, his acting was sub par but he always delivered sequences of pure adrenaline rush with his round house kicks and the patented ‘aaahhh’ screams as he finished a foe. Enjoy watching the oscar winning performances at the moment in which Van Damme is returning his friends headband!
Best Line: Jackson: Time to separate the men from the boys.
Victor: Just be sure Chong Li doesn’t separate your head from your body.
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Tough And Deadly is, to be brutally honest, the epitome of direct to video martial arts entertainment! I can really picture the Director pitching this to the many producers he must have shown it to! “Gee I have a great idea, I’m going to take an ex wrestler and a body builder with no acting experience and fuse the two together to create an action classic.” This movie will literally leave you crying beer through your nostrils, a top secret CIA agent (Billy Blanks) loses his memory. He is befriended by an ex cop, played by former wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper. Together they get in fights about every three minutes. Blanks discovers he still has the reflexes of a killing machine, even though he doesn’t know why. The top moment for me is the work out scene, easily the most accidentally-homosexual thing committed to film! Two buffed up men on a jungle gym – they just don’t make movies like this anymore!
Best Line: John: We’re gonna cause some pain!
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This is one of those pre-Cannon sleaze-balls of a film; made back in early 1980, by James Glickenhaus. Gintry (our hero,) begins his tale in Vietnam where he and his friend are held captive by the V-Congs. The scene recalls a very dated but still grotesque and nicely done decapitation of an American POW. Of course, they escape and do away with the bad-guys. Skip to 1980, New York. Gintry and his Pal are working at a meat-packing plant, when a couple of thugs decide to loot some free-beer. The pair stumble on to them and wind up kicking their ass. Some time later, on his way home from work, the gang tracks down Gintry’s buddy and leave him brain-dead. So Gintry decides to get even. He tracks them down to an apartment where he takes them out. He then goes on to take out the rest of the city’s trash as well. Some awful acting, terrible camera work and the 1980′s at its best! What else do you want?
Best Line: Cop: “THAT WAS THE EXTERMINATOR!”
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The despicable Ramon Cota has murdered an innocent mother and child and is exporting illegal drugs into the USA. When Colonel Scott McCoy and his sworn partner attempt to bring him to court, their efforts are all in vain, as he is let off virtually Scott free. Unable to contain his rage, Scott’s buddy furiously lashes out at him in court, much to Cota’s anger. He exacts the same ritual on his wife and child as he did on the previous mother and kid. Out on a personal mission of vengeance, the buddy finds himself mercilessly killed at Cota’s hands. When an arsenal of soldiers attempt to go in and bring Cota and his army down, they are taken hostage, surely to be executed soon. McCoy leads a brigade of skydiving commandos in, along with himself, to rescue the hostages and exact violent revenge upon Cota. This is probably the last high profile movie that Norris was in, this has everything a Norris fan could wish for.
Best Line: General Taylor: I’m gonna retire after this mission.
Colonel Scot McCoy: You say that every time.
We are into the top three! And what a movie! This movie is the best comedy of all time! the funniest movies are the ones that don’t try to be and this is the perfect example. The basic plot of the movie is that a russian terrorist has plans to invade the US and NOBODY IN AMERICA except Chuck is prepared for this. This movie is awesome in ways that I cannot articulate. No… hang on… what I mean is that this film is indescribably poor, and no less enjoyable for that! The plot, such as it is, is incoherent. The editing seems to have been done by several people in different rooms and the results pasted together. The acting is soap opera at best. The action is cheap, the dialogue hokey, it makes virtually no sense and, at its best, comes off as a live-action version of Team America that’s being played straight. Movies this bad are played tongue-in-cheek these days, but for some old school, serious, rubbish action then check out Chuck’s denims (and presumably psychic terrorist locating powers) as he saves the USA by driving around Florida saying “it’s time to die” to various Russians. Delicious crap.
Best Line: Matt Hunter: [putting a grenade in Thomas hand] If you live through this…. tell Rostov, it’s time to die.
Most critics seem to have dismissed this film, like so many other Charles Bronson vehicles, as just another patchwork of mindless violence. And while there is a fair amount of mayhem, DEATH WISH 3 is not that awful of an effort, particularly for fans of the series and its star. This time out, aging Charlie’s Paul Kersey is let loose by a police chief desperate to clean up a rough part of New York City. The trigger-happy vigilante moves into the heart of gang territory, where he once again becomes a one-man army in an urban war of good versus evil. Bronson, at least the “older” version, is truly at his best. I’m not saying DEATH WISH 3 is a classic. Indeed to the discriminating eye it has a plethora of imperfections. The characters are generally made of cardboard. The violence is over the top. A man well into his 60s outruns and outspooks dozens of young punks. But in the tradition of the original DEATH WISH and later films such as FALLING DOWN with Michael Douglas, it has a definite crowd-pleasing charm. Who doesn’t want to see gangbangers get their due? There are also some great cheesy moments and one-liners so common in 1980s films. When a tenant of his apartment building sees Kersey setting up a booby trap, for instance, the vigilante lightheartedly says he’s “thinning the herd.” A line only Bronson can truly make work. So you see, the key to enjoying DEATH WISH 3 is to accept it for what it is. It ain’t Spielberg and it ain’t art. So throw the popcorn in the microwave and have fun with it.
Best Line: Punk: “They killed the giggler!”
Here we have it – the holy grail of all action movies! Only in the 80s could a film like this have been taken at face value. In fact, the film acts as a sort of shadow play of the tackily neon, terribly hairstyle soul of 1980s American culture. In these more enlightened times, it’s easy to laugh at Commando’s 80s terribleness: the homoerotic undertones, the ridiculous dialogue, the implausible stunts, the comically excessive violence, the simple political ideology underpinning the slaughter. But Commando transcends the 80s action genre by embracing its own ludicrousness. It’s almost as if the film-makers knew that the genre they were operating in was absurd, and decided to embrace the absurdity and push it to its very limits. They were making the film for the evolved future generations of movie fans. This film is 80s action multiplied by 80s action. The 80s squared. The 6400s, if you will. This is why Commando isn’t just an 80s action movie but the 80s action movie
Best Line: Soldier: Slitting a little girl’s throat is like cutting warm butter.
Bennett: Put the knife away and shut your mouth.
I hadn’t heard of any except #1
“Cobra
If you don’t like Stallone then this film will not change you’re mind.”
Err… it’s “your”.
Cobra, is an amazing film!! Pure action mature cheese
Yeaah, some movies are so stupid that it is actually hilarious to watch them for their incredible idiocy.
I loled to Shoot Em Up: killing people with carrots, shooting people while giving birth, shooting people while having ***** (with Monica Belluci), shooting people while parachuting (with AC/DC soundtrack), shooting people… well, you get the picture.
Also Postal by Uwe Boll. Unforgettable.
I loved this list, at last someone else sees Death Wish 3 for it’s messed up 80′s brilliance!
‘Tell, you what I’m gonna do.. I’m gonna kill a little old lady, just for you’
And that end scene with Bronson and Cop running down the street, pure video arcade!
Cheers mate, enjoyed this one!
Man, I love them all. I would have liked to have seen Swayze’s “Roadhouse” in there. Makes me laugh everytime. It’s so 80′s….10 years late!
Indeed, they even had the audacity to throw the ancient cliche “My way or the highway” in there, with Swayze struggling to deliver that line seriously.
“A bear fell on me” What a great final line!
Me thinks ‘Wanted’ was also very funny even though it was very well made and thoroughly enjoyable.
@stunty (4): Me thinks Uwe Boll should get all the Razzies, I don’t remember him not making any idiotic movie till date.
I dig the list, but I have to point out a glaring omission: They Live, 1988.
Also starring Roddy Piper, as well as Keith David. Directed by John Carpenter. It concerns aliens that have quietly infiltrated human society, manipulating us with subliminal messages on money, advertising, television, and the like. The messages, and the hidden aliens themselves, can only be seen with special sunglasses that reveal the world for what it is. It contains classic lines, such as:
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
“Brother, life’s a *****… and she’s back in heat.”
“You? You look like your face fell in the cheese dip back in 1957.”
And, last but not least, “You see, I take these glasses off, she looks like a regular person, doesn’t she? Put ‘em back on…formaldehyde-face!”
Seriously, if you haven’t seen this movie, please do so. I laughed the entire way through.
I love the site and this new list. KEEP IT COMING FRATER!!
Seriously? Where is The Last Boy Scout? Every other line is a joke.
The Substitute could have at least been an honorable mention too. Along with the chuck norris flick Top Dog
I am surprised Kung Pow didn’t make this list.
The Running Man should be on this list too. In fact, most of Arnold’s movies should be on here haha im proud to say that that man is my governor!
There is this asian movie called “Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky” that is absolutely ridiculous, it is incredibly gory but hilarious at the same time. Here is the trailer:
The movie “Undefeatable” should get an honorable mention for this fight scene alone:
Critters anyone
“…truly fail to live up to their genre. These are action films that are so ridiculous, they end up being comedies”
I’ve really enjoyed lists on this site but now you managed to fail so hard I must post a comment. The biggest problem is that Commando is the first (and even located in the list).
“It’s almost as if the film-makers knew that the genre they were operating in was absurd.”
Only thing that redeems you is this sentence. But you should’ve left the beginning out. The film-makers DID knew excatly what they were doing. It’s supposed to be like this so instead of “fail to live up to their genre”, Commando is a masterpiece of it’s own genre.
Next time, check your facts.
Oo-oh! Chuck Norris is coming to getcha for putting him at number 4. He took the bite out of the apple symbol you know! lol!
Great list!
let out some steam, bennet
lol
Transformers 2?? Well thats only if you like to laugh at really bad movies.
I got Route 666 on DVD – got it for less than 5 euros or something – when the DVD was brand new too lol.
Let off some steam, Bennet!
there are several other jean-claude van damme or dolph lundgren movies that could be thrown up here, but I understand the need to limit the insanity
I first saw Commando in 2006, and fell in love with Alyssa Milano, even though I didn’t immediately recognize her back then.
@anawfulott14 (10): cracked.com sucks. Since when did anything that has to do with ***** and foul language become “humor?” Listverse rules!
I can’t believe you missed Gymkata! Kurt Thomas using convenient pommel horses against the bad guys? What could be better?
Seriously? There was something wrong with the 80s!!!!
Cool list. I’ve seen all of these. So bad, but yet so good!
*As a side note, I think anything with Chuck Norris in it would have made this list.
@Damos (9): I love that movie! So cheesy but it was hilarious. The best scene was at then end.
Action movies to LOL to??? I don’t know man…
Pointless.Piece.of.Poop.( Can’t say s**t, can i?)
@Joanne (24): Listverse rules , Listverse rules, Listverse rules!!!
Me will hit anyone with a tomahawk who dares endorse any chintzy-***** site here.
God Commando.. That film kicked ASS! Arnie says some of the funniest things ever. “I let him go,” “WRONG!” and “let off some steam Bennett.” I can`t believe I can remember these things.. But Bennett, looking back, is he gay? just look at his clothes!
This list made me shed manly tears!
I just want to say a few words:
Chong Li! Chong Li! Chong Li!
Damn, Bolo Yeung is so awesome.
@25(duke of omnium)- I have Kurt Thomas’s autograph! He was at a mall (not promoting Gymkata-gee, I wonder why?). I got in line, he made small talk and signed it, “(my name), good luck! Kurt Thomas”. And he used a pen with silver paint-like ink. He was really nice.
If you look REAL hard… You can see Forest Whitaker still putting in a good performance in Bloodsport!
Big Trouble Little China. Best ever.
Gymkata! It’s even fun to say! Is it gymnastics? Is it martial arts? It’s both! I think the homo*****ual community adopted this movie as their premier “gay action movie”. I’ll have to verify this, though. Thanks for redepositing this movie into my databanks! (Grrrr)
cobra is the BEST
ur a disease, and Im the cure!!!!
and death wish 3 is awesome as well….when he puts the plank of wood and it smashes out the guys two front teeth…its amazing, what a great movie lmao!!!
@jhhwild (15):
Wow…… wow i want to see the rest of undefeatable now… “yeah….seee ya”
the best line of commando is where he says “i lied” and drops that man down the cliff
Chuck Norris doesn’t make bad films, he just scares all the good away.
OK I get it. I can buy all these crap movies at Amazon !!!
What you disrespect LDP? For shame! Just kidding; very entertaining list. There was a Clint Eastwood movie that I always laughed at too. I think it might have been produced pre-1980 though. The Gauntlet maybe? I clearly remember the scene where the entire building is turned to dust by machine gun – like it imploded. And of course the main characters walk away from it.
@Skydiver (39): hahaha
ROBOTS!!!
The absolute greatest all time “zombie” machine movie, Maximum Overdrive, staring Emilio Estevez and written and directed by Stephen King. The kid attacked by the soda machine is classic comedy/action.
Enjoyable list, seen 4 of them and ya I agree with alexman @38 that was a good line, and it all happened so quick. Thanks a.o.e.
Another “great” Cobra line:
“This is where the law stops, and I start…SUCKAH!”
blood sport?!
I was happy to see Falling Down mentioned, even though it was not technically on the list. When my Dad and I sat down to watch it, we were expecting a drama, but we could not stop laughing. The scene where the kid helps him shoot the bazooka is hilarious!
So many better lines in Commando, even the included preview has better lines than the line listed.
John Carpenter could have a list all his own. He turned 80′sploitation into an artform:
They Live
Big Trouble in Little China
The Thing
The Halloween franchise (which hit its stride in the 80′s)
Christine
Starman
Prince of Darkness
i saw Blood Sport years ago…some underground invitational chinese fight org ( kumite ). it was nice back then…lame story, but lots of blood…hehehe
“You are Nexxxxx!”
Did anyone proof-read this article, there are tons of grammatical errors and some sentences do not make any sense. Also, Hell Comes To Frogtown.
AWESOME! RIGHTEOUS! KICKASS MAN!!
Escape from New York!
The Guyver is a pretty good one too.
Awesome list!!!
Favorite line in Commando: “Let off some steam, Bennett.”
Jfrater,
I agree with your number one pick; “Commando,” for this list. The funniest part is; how seriously I took the movie when it first came out (I’m sure I wasn’t the only one). I’m surprised you did not add (would have been a top 15 list I guess) Jean-Claude Van Damme’s; “Cyborg.” Check out his latest movie; “Universal Soldier: Regeneration:”
@Rocky(52) yes there are some errors – but if you are a true L.S. you give that a wee bit of oversight, beause most of the people that comment on this site comes from people all over the world.
Some of us speak and write in different languages – but we add posi6tive comments the best we can.
Bloodsport was a great movie (except for the acting of the reporter woman). I think we should all stand up and turn our backs on JFrater for including this classic on a list of lol action movies.
Some of my favorite movies are on here. Bloodsport, Cobra, Commando, Stone Cold. I have seen all of them over and over and could watch them any time. I don’t think any fail as an action movie. And what the hell is funny about the car chase in Cobra? The best line from Stone Cold is when Lance Henricksen says something like “It’s times like these when I remember my father’s last words which were, “Don’t son, that gun is loaded!”".