Top 10 Action Movies To Laugh Out Loud To
Today we are presenting a countdown of the 10 Action movies that truly fail to live up to their genre. These are action films that are so ridiculous, they end up being comedies. So go ahead crack open another beer, order some Chinese and check your brain in before you read on!
Lou Diamond Phillips plays Jack La Roca, a US Marshall and former Navy Seal assigned to pick up “Rabbit”, who is in the federal witness protection program but has been on the run. La Roca is to take Rabbit from Arizona to California to testify in court against some mobsters, but along the way they run into a variety of obstacles, the most serious of which are the result of La Roca’s decision to take a shortcut on Route 666. There a number of truly hilarious moments in this movie, the scene with the indian fortune teller will leave you scratching your head as will the acting!
Best Line: “I’ve got two black dogs!”
If you don’t like Stallone then this film will not change your mind! When a fashion model happens to see the ugly face of a sadistic psychopath (Brian Thompson), Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) becomes the main target of the secret “New World” society stopping at nothing to slay her. Lieutenant Marion Cobretti (Stallone), in his gun metal-gray classic Mercury, and armed with guns, knives, grenades, and firearms, is assigned to protect the statuesque blonde. The movie is violent and bloody and contains one of the most funniest car chase sequences ever filmed. The robot dance scene makes absolutely no sense what so ever, but hey I doubt the director intended this to compare to the bicycle thief!
Best Line: “I don’t deal with psychos. I put ’em away”
So bad yet so darn good! Sometimes, you see a film that rocks your world. A film that normally you wouldn’t even pick off the shelf unless someone told you about it. Stone Cold is that film. Starring man of the day Brian ‘the Boz’ Bosworth this low budget action vehicle is one of the most fun action-flicks that I have ever seen. What’s right with it? In terms of your normal studio producer films – very little. The acting is poor, the script dreadful, continuity (especially the hysterically bad bike chase) is just atrocious and that’s just the opening few scenes. As I said – not a perfect film but a pretty damn perfect nights entertainment.
Best Line: John Stone [after beating up three would-be grocery store robbers]: You better clean up on aisle four.
Those of us who have grown up through the 80s and 90s know what qualifies for a good action movie. Bloodsport is one of those said action movies, for that is not made for the viewer to dissect characters, acting or even plot. Jean Claude Van Damme was considered one of the superstars in the Action/Adventure genre, his acting was sub par but he always delivered sequences of pure adrenaline rush with his round house kicks and the patented ‘aaahhh’ screams as he finished a foe. Enjoy watching the oscar winning performances at the moment in which Van Damme is returning his friends headband!
Best Line: Jackson: Time to separate the men from the boys.
Victor: Just be sure Chong Li doesn’t separate your head from your body.
Tough And Deadly is, to be brutally honest, the epitome of direct to video martial arts entertainment! I can really picture the Director pitching this to the many producers he must have shown it to! “Gee I have a great idea, I’m going to take an ex wrestler and a body builder with no acting experience and fuse the two together to create an action classic.” This movie will literally leave you crying beer through your nostrils, a top secret CIA agent (Billy Blanks) loses his memory. He is befriended by an ex cop, played by former wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper. Together they get in fights about every three minutes. Blanks discovers he still has the reflexes of a killing machine, even though he doesn’t know why. The top moment for me is the work out scene, easily the most accidentally-homosexual thing committed to film! Two buffed up men on a jungle gym – they just don’t make movies like this anymore!
Best Line: John: We’re gonna cause some pain!
This is one of those pre-Cannon sleaze-balls of a film; made back in early 1980, by James Glickenhaus. Gintry (our hero,) begins his tale in Vietnam where he and his friend are held captive by the V-Congs. The scene recalls a very dated but still grotesque and nicely done decapitation of an American POW. Of course, they escape and do away with the bad-guys. Skip to 1980, New York. Gintry and his Pal are working at a meat-packing plant, when a couple of thugs decide to loot some free-beer. The pair stumble on to them and wind up kicking their ass. Some time later, on his way home from work, the gang tracks down Gintry’s buddy and leave him brain-dead. So Gintry decides to get even. He tracks them down to an apartment where he takes them out. He then goes on to take out the rest of the city’s trash as well. Some awful acting, terrible camera work and the 1980’s at its best! What else do you want?
Best Line: Cop: “THAT WAS THE EXTERMINATOR!”
The despicable Ramon Cota has murdered an innocent mother and child and is exporting illegal drugs into the USA. When Colonel Scott McCoy and his sworn partner attempt to bring him to court, their efforts are all in vain, as he is let off virtually Scott free. Unable to contain his rage, Scott’s buddy furiously lashes out at him in court, much to Cota’s anger. He exacts the same ritual on his wife and child as he did on the previous mother and kid. Out on a personal mission of vengeance, the buddy finds himself mercilessly killed at Cota’s hands. When an arsenal of soldiers attempt to go in and bring Cota and his army down, they are taken hostage, surely to be executed soon. McCoy leads a brigade of skydiving commandos in, along with himself, to rescue the hostages and exact violent revenge upon Cota. This is probably the last high profile movie that Norris was in, this has everything a Norris fan could wish for.
Best Line: General Taylor: I’m gonna retire after this mission.
Colonel Scot McCoy: You say that every time.
We are into the top three! And what a movie! This movie is the best comedy of all time! the funniest movies are the ones that don’t try to be and this is the perfect example. The basic plot of the movie is that a russian terrorist has plans to invade the US and NOBODY IN AMERICA except Chuck is prepared for this. This movie is awesome in ways that I cannot articulate. No… hang on… what I mean is that this film is indescribably poor, and no less enjoyable for that! The plot, such as it is, is incoherent. The editing seems to have been done by several people in different rooms and the results pasted together. The acting is soap opera at best. The action is cheap, the dialogue hokey, it makes virtually no sense and, at its best, comes off as a live-action version of Team America that’s being played straight. Movies this bad are played tongue-in-cheek these days, but for some old school, serious, rubbish action then check out Chuck’s denims (and presumably psychic terrorist locating powers) as he saves the USA by driving around Florida saying “it’s time to die” to various Russians. Delicious crap.
Best Line: Matt Hunter: [putting a grenade in Thomas hand] If you live through this…. tell Rostov, it’s time to die.
Most critics seem to have dismissed this film, like so many other Charles Bronson vehicles, as just another patchwork of mindless violence. And while there is a fair amount of mayhem, DEATH WISH 3 is not that awful of an effort, particularly for fans of the series and its star. This time out, aging Charlie’s Paul Kersey is let loose by a police chief desperate to clean up a rough part of New York City. The trigger-happy vigilante moves into the heart of gang territory, where he once again becomes a one-man army in an urban war of good versus evil. Bronson, at least the “older” version, is truly at his best. I’m not saying DEATH WISH 3 is a classic. Indeed to the discriminating eye it has a plethora of imperfections. The characters are generally made of cardboard. The violence is over the top. A man well into his 60s outruns and outspooks dozens of young punks. But in the tradition of the original DEATH WISH and later films such as FALLING DOWN with Michael Douglas, it has a definite crowd-pleasing charm. Who doesn’t want to see gangbangers get their due? There are also some great cheesy moments and one-liners so common in 1980s films. When a tenant of his apartment building sees Kersey setting up a booby trap, for instance, the vigilante lightheartedly says he’s “thinning the herd.” A line only Bronson can truly make work. So you see, the key to enjoying DEATH WISH 3 is to accept it for what it is. It ain’t Spielberg and it ain’t art. So throw the popcorn in the microwave and have fun with it.
Best Line: Punk: “They killed the giggler!”
Here we have it – the holy grail of all action movies! Only in the 80s could a film like this have been taken at face value. In fact, the film acts as a sort of shadow play of the tackily neon, terribly hairstyle soul of 1980s American culture. In these more enlightened times, it’s easy to laugh at Commando’s 80s terribleness: the homoerotic undertones, the ridiculous dialogue, the implausible stunts, the comically excessive violence, the simple political ideology underpinning the slaughter. But Commando transcends the 80s action genre by embracing its own ludicrousness. It’s almost as if the film-makers knew that the genre they were operating in was absurd, and decided to embrace the absurdity and push it to its very limits. They were making the film for the evolved future generations of movie fans. This film is 80s action multiplied by 80s action. The 80s squared. The 6400s, if you will. This is why Commando isn’t just an 80s action movie but the 80s action movie
Best Line: Soldier: Slitting a little girl’s throat is like cutting warm butter.
Bennett: Put the knife away and shut your mouth.