10 Strange Non-Sexual Ways People Have Orgasms
Look, I donât want to make you uncomfortable, but the way some people have sex is different from the way you have sex. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but . . . well, actually Iâm going to go into a lot more detail, and it might get a little awkward and uncomfortable, but you’ll make it through. Or maybe you won’t—some of these people have orgasms in really, really strange ways.
10 Brushing Your Teeth
Epilepsy probably isnât the most fun disorder to suffer from, but the symptoms are probably a little bit more manageable when they come with mind-blowing orgasms. A few years back, one woman reported that she would occasionally experience orgasms while brushing her teeth that were so powerful they left her in a âstate of temporary impaired consciousness.â
Iâm not going to make any jokes though, because this actually sucked for the poor woman. Years earlier she had undergone a botched surgery that had left her incapable of achieving orgasm at all—at least until the toothbrushing thing manifested. After that, doctors probed her enough to learn that she wasnât capable of achieving orgasm any way that wasnât toothbrushing. She eventually switched to mouthwash.
I really hope thereâs a barber reading this. Hello, barber! Sorry for making it so hard to concentrate while youâre at work tomorrow.
Itâs called âAutonomous Sensory Meridian Response,â and yes, itâs a real thing. ASMR is a phenomenon in which you experience an orgasm-like experience that happens entirely in your head, and it can be triggered by all kinds of weird things: Some people get them from haircuts, others from watching YouTube videos of people acting out various fantasies like pretending to check for lice or applying makeup.
And then people watch them and have orgasms in their brain. This is a thing that happens. Maybe even right now, in the cubicle behind you. No, donât look. This isnât the kind of thing you want to know for sure.
While under the influence of a certain medication, some patients suffer from a strange side effect where they achieve a mind-blowing (probably) orgasm every time they yawn. Of course, yawns are also contagious. And sometimes, people suffering similar symptoms start support groups for each other. There’s a huge potential for a ridiculous viral prank video, is what I’m saying.
7 Foot Stimulation
No, this has nothing to do with Quentin Tarantino–style foot fetishes: At least one woman in the Netherlands can get off just by walking around barefoot. The change happened after she suffered nerve damage that left her spine unable to differentiate between her vagina and her foot, which is kind of like forgetting the difference between the shelf where you keep your running shoes and where you keep your vagina but hey—cut it some slack. Itâs just a spine.
Oddy enough, this isnât that odd: Doctors say that this kind of problem isnât that uncommon, and the reason we donât hear about it more is because the sufferers are too embarrassed.
If youâve ever wondered why there are such a disproportionate number of women at the gym, then maybe you can stop now: Scientists recently discovered that roughly 40 percent of women have experienced orgasms induced purely by exercise—no direct stimulation or even fantasies involved. (I don’t know anything about gyms, because Iâm a comedy writer and donât take care of my body.)
The weirdest part is that no one involved in these studies could figure out why it was happening. The female body isnât supposed to work like that, but apparently it does. Which just proves that we donât understand the female body all that well. Thanks a lot, science.
5 Thinking Really Hard About It
Not only is it possible to get yourself off just by concentrating, thereâs an entire culture built around it. Barbara Carellas not only âthinks herself off,â but she teaches others to and encourages it as a safer alternative to sex.
Yes, itâs even a group activity: Remember that scene in Coneheads where Chris Farley and the Coneheads’ daughter have Conehead sex with their Conehead sex machine? Itâs like that, only without the machine or Chris Farley—just a lot of concentration.
4 A Brain Chip
Scientists have just come out and admitted what weâve all suspected for years: Theyâre working on a brain chip that will give you a climax. Not just by stimulating the proper nerve endings, but by recording experiences and replaying them in your head or by downloading the experiences of others.
This may be the absolute creepiest thing I have ever heard in my life, but hey, if scientists had moral compasses, weâd never make any progress.
Giving birth is either the least sexual or the most sexual activity on Earth, depending on how good you are at connecting cause and effect. Either way, no getting around the reality here: As many as 0.3 percent of births at some point involve the woman having an orgasm while she expels the person whose life is, at that moment, beginning.
That means that 0.3 percent of you reading this gave your mother an orgasm once. Are you one of them? Go ask her! And then let us know in the comments. Please. I promise to write an article about you.
Well, thatâs not surprising. Yoga is only popular for one reason—yoga pants, which make everyone look great (or are only worn by great-looking people; I honestly canât tell). But it turns out that when people indulge in the âdownward-facing dogâ or âleftward seagullâ or whatever, they may also secretly be indulging in the famed âIâm right now climaxing.â Some yogis are actually encouraging it as a stress-relieving practice.
1 Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder
PGAD is one of those diseases that sounds like an ironic punishment plucked right from Danteâs Inferno. âSo you like sex, eh?â says the Devil. âThen how do you feel about climaxing constantly, every day, forever?â The worst part is it must be nearly impossible to get sympathy from people, and you probably have to keep hearing the âWell, isnât it kinda awesome sometimes?â question more than youâd ever want to.
Naturally, it sucks, and everyone who suffers from it is bummed out forever. Luckily, there have been recent breakthroughs and maybe the sufferers of this disease will one day be able to reliable enjoy orgasms the way we’re all meant to: Shamefully. With strangers. In truck-stop bathrooms.