Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Tales
Published on January 31, 2008 - 1333 Comments
The Bible is full of many fascinating tales - many good, and some bizarre - here are the top 10 bizarre tales from the Bible.
10. A lesson for those who dare mock male pattern baldness
Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24
One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.
The moral of this story? Don’t make fun of bald people. Frankly, why this story isn’t included along with the Ten Commandments is anybody’s guess, but I think it would serve as an excellent lesson for children who think baldness is something to be made fun of.
9. Eglon’s ignoble death
Found in: Judges 3:21-25
Ehud is the Bible’s sneakiest assassin (and also the only left-handed person mentioned in the Holy Book). He is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to smarmy King Eglon. Ehud waltzes in to meet the gluttonous king, pulls out a sword and stabs Eglon in the stomach. At first he can’t get it in, but he pushes harder and eventually reaches his intestine. Eglon is so overweight, we learn, that his fat actually covers the hilt of the sword, pushing it further into his stomach until it’s not even visible. It’s at this point that Eglon loses control of his bowels and begins to defecate mercilessly all over his chamber. The King’s attendants eventually come back, but do not enter Eglon’s bed chamber, assuming he is relieving himself. After waiting “to the point of embarrassment”, his attendants burst in to find their king dead on the floor, covered in his own faecal matter. Meanwhile, Ehud had escaped to the town of Seriah.
The moral of this story? Who cares, but it’s damn cool.
8. Onan – cautious, yet foolish
Found in: Genesis 38:8-10
A story so eponymous, it gave way to its own neologism – onanism, an archaic term for masturbation. Basically, God kills Er. Why? We don’t really find out. However, in a stroke of good luck, Er’s father, Judah, has given you the right, nay the duty, to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.
The moral of this story? In the words of Monty Python, “Every sperm is sacred…”
7. A very disturbing tale
Found in: Judges 19:22-30
Within the Bible, one occasionally finds stories so horrible, one can wonder what their purpose is. Not only is this story utterly bizarre, but it is also absolutely disgusting. A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
The moral of this story? I would hope none.
6. A novel way to show your love
Found in: 1 Kings 18:25-27
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
The moral of this story? Never be ashamed to do crazy things for love.
5. Like slicing salami
Found in: Exodus 4:24-26
Continuing the Bible’s fascination with all things foreskin, we get the bizarre story of God trying to kill Moses because his son isn’t circumcised. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. “You are a bloody husband to me!” squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.
The moral of this story? Never turn down a woman for being a psycho. Someday she may save your life.
4. Jesus and the fig tree
Found in: Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14
So, Jesus is walking from Bethany and he’s feeling a bit peckish. He encounters a fig tree, but unfortunately it is barren as it’s the off season for figs. Annoyed, Jesus demands the fig tree bear him fruit, however the fig tree doesn’t respond (it’s a tree), so Jesus, in an act of uncharacteristic rashness, curses the fig tree to death. This story is bizarre for many reasons, but mainly for how little it means to the Jesus story and how Jesus seems to react so harshly. OK, so he’s hungry, and we all get a little cranky when hungry, but come on, the fig tree had done nothing wrong. This just seems like abuse of powers to me.
The moral of this story? I honestly can’t think of one. This story seems so unimportant and purposeless yet both Mark and Matthew mention it so it must have some importance. The best I can think of is: don’t disobey Jesus, even if you’re an inanimate tree.
3. Even God is proud of his backside
Found in: Exodus 33:23
It’s a big day for Moses. He’s finally going to meet God face to face and is giddy with anticipation. Soon the time comes and Moses positions himself on a rock ready to see the divine creator himself. But God backs out at the last minute claiming that no man can see his face and live. However, he has a solution. He will let Moses have a peek at his backside, “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Moses must be heartbroken. He was hoping to see God’s face not his bottom! Imagine explaining that to the wife: “Oh honey, did you see God’s face?” “Umm not quite…I got a great look at his ass though!” Moses most likely slept alone that night.
The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.
2. Balaam and his talking donkey
Found in: Numbers 22:28-30
Balaam is just minding his own business, spanking his ass (donkey) when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, “Because thou hast mocked me.” The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Oh yeah did I mention it was TALKING DONKEY?
The moral of this story? Don’t beat animals. If they could talk then they would probably tell you how upset they were.
1. Jacob and the case of the magical genetics
Found in: Genesis 30:37-39
And the most bizarre tale in the Bible goes too…this head-scratcher from Genesis, with its utterly bemusing explanation of the genetic code. Basically, Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan: he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle. What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young. Now, we’d all expect this idiotic plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about something or other, but no it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy. What on earth is going on here? Anyone with the most basic understanding of genetics knows that this is bunk. The odd thing is that this story seems to have no purpose and moral – it’s just there. And I can’t help wondering how many scientists with painted sticks had attempted to repeat this process before Mendel came along and said, “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to happen fellas, why don’t we try this instead?”
The moral of this story? Your guess is as good as mine.
Contributor: JT
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1. JimmyKnipps - January 31st, 2008 at 4:31 am
I am an extremely skilled onanite(?) and I have yet to go blind OR die. In your face, morality!
2. corinthian0430 - January 31st, 2008 at 5:00 am
BLASPHEMY!!!….. INFIDEL!!!…
more?…
3. Aaron - January 31st, 2008 at 5:01 am
…wow, that’s all I can say. These are the stories that they don’t really teach their kids I guess…wow.
4. jocsboss - January 31st, 2008 at 5:03 am
Most of these are just creepy. I guess that’s why none of them made it into children’s books, like Noah and the Ark.
5. Canacan - January 31st, 2008 at 5:05 am
that was UNREAL!!!
I have never laughed so hard.
Your explanations were SPOT on!
6. Steven - January 31st, 2008 at 5:09 am
For #4 on the list: Godhatesfigs.com.
7. dangorironhide - January 31st, 2008 at 5:12 am
Haha, this list is awesome. Those stories are so damn wierd. For #4, whatever happened to Jesus being benevolant and loving?? Doesn’t sound like a much of a saviour to me if he gets pissy over a fig tree!
The morals made me laugh, especially the “The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways” one!
8. Jim C - January 31st, 2008 at 5:18 am
/gets popcorn
Man, this should be a great comment section. If it doesn’t set a record, then I’ll lose my faith in the evangelical right wing of America.
9. Jim C - January 31st, 2008 at 5:20 am
re #5
Is that where they got the name for Zippo lighters?
10. jocsboss - January 31st, 2008 at 5:21 am
#6 Can you picture this in your head?
David is done collecting. Goes to Saul’s place. Says “Got what you wanted”. Saul goes “Lemme see” David gives him the bag of foreskins. Saul takes them out and starts counting “That’s one, that’s two, that’s three. Hey, is this a complete foreskin? I’m not counting it. I think you’re trying to cheat me. Not counting this one either, it’s pretty ripped up. I don’t see any value in it. This is a pretty good one. We’ll put in our Top Ten Foreskins pile, then I’m gonna make a display. People got this thing for Top Ten’s”
11. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 5:30 am
Steven; rofl - very clever and so early in the morning too
jfrater; great list! I would be curious as to how the fundamentalist/bible is the literal truth folks would explain your examples.
also I heard on the news this am that Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpson) gave $10 Million to the cos. Damn even ruined the Simpson’s for me. Sad when the cartoon character has more common sense than the actor. oh and they are gonna honour her in a “Private Award Ceremony”. Lord even the catholics gave up the money for salvation thing.
12. jocsboss - January 31st, 2008 at 5:36 am
Maybe when the CoS is as rich as the catholic church they will give it up too. The catholic church is supposedly the richest organization in the world, surpassing any of the multinational corporations. The Basilica has the world’s most highly valued art collection.
13. Hemanth - January 31st, 2008 at 6:05 am
Some of these have GOT to be added by ancient pranksters.
14. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 6:16 am
Gotta say - I am curious to see how many people go crazy over this one
15. Randall - January 31st, 2008 at 6:26 am
JT:
Fantastic list.
In regards to #4, Jesus and the fig tree–you left out one salient point that makes it even a little weirder. I don’t have a copy of the Bible in front of me right now, so I can’t quote verbatim, but I remember this one well… in essence the Bible explains that Jesus approached the fig tree, wanting figs, as he was hungry… but, the Bible adds at this point, *it was not the time for figs*…i.e., it was the wrong time of year! Then the Big Guy proceeds to curse the tree and it (says the Bible) “withered.”
Nice. What it means, I have no idea.
16. dangorironhide - January 31st, 2008 at 6:35 am
Randall: From entry #4: “it is barren as it’s the off season for figs”
17. Yup - January 31st, 2008 at 6:37 am
Funny stuff, especially the sin of Onan.
I believe #4 is supposed to show that as followers of Christ you are supposed to do good deeds. “bearing fruit” is often a euphemism of in the bible for doing good deeds. This is why the barren, fruitless fig tree was cursed. Jesus was just making a particularly strong point (albeit a tad weird)
As for the rest of the stuff, I don’t really have time to explain it right now, and most of it IS indeed quite weird (though a few points are misrepresented)
Jesus is the most important figure anyway. Some websites, like tektonics.org and christian-thinktank.com have answers to questions/points made above.
18. jwbm2525 - January 31st, 2008 at 6:38 am
Wow! Great list!
There’s a reason why I never believed in this crap. The bible was written as a way to forumlate laws and rules and to control people. It is more than outdated, even the new testament. It is obsurd to take anything from the bible as literal.
I didn’t realize that there was necrophelia (sp?) in the bible… I’m surprised someone hasn’t used that one to change the law in the US to allow for that sort of thing, as fundamentalists tend to do.
19. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 6:39 am
If you took the time to study the bible you would find the meanings for all these stories. Its absurd to guess at what they mean when the answers are so clear. Not a good list!
20. Randall - January 31st, 2008 at 6:43 am
dango:
Jesus… how’d I miss that? uh…. sorry JT…. my mistake.
(hope I didn’t piss somebody off upstairs…)
21. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 6:43 am
Bah! Mocking the bible is blasphemy. Though quite fun nevertheless.
22. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 6:45 am
(IMO)
Not a great list at all…frankly, i am embarrassed for having read the entire article. I expect to be struck by lightning anytime now. But, in all fairness, some of these stories are hard to grasp the point, or moral. I suggest a good NIV study Bible if someone is actually serious about learning what these mean.
23. cparker - January 31st, 2008 at 6:46 am
there is also one in ezekiel around chapter 22 or so about the two adultress or concubine women who chase the army men. They say in one verse that their emissions were like horses and hung like them too. I am being too lazy to look it up for exact words but it’s in there.
24. Amanda - January 31st, 2008 at 6:50 am
jwbm- I didn’t see necrophilia… perhaps you are thinking about #8. He is supposed to have sex with the dead BROTHERS wife, not the dead wife. But I read it wrong first too.
jfrater- GREAT list! I’ve always loved unusual Bible stories, its interesting what you find in “the book.”
25. Steven - January 31st, 2008 at 6:52 am
This site: http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/index.htm attempts to question the Bible and offers explanations to some of the weirder verses.
26. jwbm2525 - January 31st, 2008 at 6:54 am
Amanda - Yep, Duh. You’re right. LOL Still doesn’t convince me of anything though. LOL
27. Reea - January 31st, 2008 at 6:55 am
I laughed with tears, am still laughing in fact!
28. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 7:02 am
Guess you all will find out the answers to these riddles when you’re basking in the 7th circle of Dante’s easy bake. Get’s kinda muggy down there. Or enjoy skiing on the lake of fire. Wheeeee!
Don’t forget to slather on some Coppertone! You won’t want to let a little scorch ruin your fun!
Pagans!
29. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 7:04 am
Bucslim: Meh. My son would never do anything like that. (My son’s name is D’ante)
30. Shabab - January 31st, 2008 at 7:10 am
HAHAHA…that lego picture was so damn funny….
31. Steven - January 31st, 2008 at 7:15 am
Shabab: It’s part of the the Brick Testament: http://thebricktestament.com/
32. Rob - January 31st, 2008 at 7:19 am
And we think Scientology is wierd…
33. heavybison - January 31st, 2008 at 7:36 am
#28: Dante eh? Was he there in Clerks?
34. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 7:39 am
Nope. His name is spelled the French way, though not pronounced the French way. He’s a bit young for clerks too. Right now he’s more interested in eating his shoes and watching cartoons. That and dice. He’s gonna be a gamer like his parents.
35. SocialButterfly - January 31st, 2008 at 7:46 am
Great list… very very funny!
Definitely have to check out the brick testament later.
36. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 7:47 am
heavy bison, yes, even Anne Frank knows that.
37. teejay - January 31st, 2008 at 7:48 am
Great list!! Now when my daughter asks why we don’t go to church or read the bible, I will just show her this list. This should illustrate my “most religions are crazy and have nothing to offer” point.
38. Bob - January 31st, 2008 at 8:01 am
Sweet, a list full of ignorant mocking of biblical texts without any understanding on the part of the mockers about context or anything of that sort! Way to go! I’m so glad we live in a society where being PC guarantees respect for all ideas!!!
39. Metmatt - January 31st, 2008 at 8:09 am
I think # 10 should be Elisha and not Elijah. Eliseus is Elisha and Elias is Elijah
40. JOE ROSSON - January 31st, 2008 at 8:09 am
If you take a religon too seriously you become a terrorist or a “fundie” that pickets funerals or holds live poisonous snakes.Sad sad sad.
41. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 8:10 am
ok. i guess i’ll be the one to take up defense.
i absolutely agree that these stories are bizarre. but let’s remember that context, author’s original intent and societal customs all play a role in properly understanding the point of these stories. and to add a presupposition, everything in the Bible is there for a reason.
i have a masters degree in theology. i say this only as a means to convey that i have studied biblical hermeneutics and realize the problem with stories and verses out of context.
i’ll just try to explain one instead of the whole list.
#7 - there is a similar story in Genesis 19 where a band of criminals demand that a host release his guest so that they can be raped. this directly proceeds God destroying the entire city, Sodom, save for one family.
if you continue to read past the appointed section, i.e. ch 20, you will see that the reason that the man of the story “divided her (the dead girl), limb by limb, into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout all the territory of israel” was to call the nation to war against the men of the town that did this thing. ch 20:1 says “then all the people of israel came out, from dan to beersheba (extreme north israel to extreme south, i.e. everyone) including the land of gilead, and the congregation assembled as one man.” the people are outraged at the benjamites, the perpetrators, and it has sparked civil war.
the moral of the story, don’t do this crap or there are severe consequences.
and i agree, the picture of the spilled seed is hilarious. i love brick testament.
42. JLo - January 31st, 2008 at 8:15 am
I grapple a lot with some of the episodes above, and while I have not found “answers” to them per se, I am not sure an answer would suffice. It’s like asking why in the midsty of suffering. Would any answer really help? I do think scripture has what appears to be contradictions, only because we are uncomfortable with paradoxes. And I think long, careful study of these scriptures (including the original languages, lexicons, historical context, etc) may lend more insight. But since we are applying our post-enlightenment mind-set to scripture, we are expecting things to stand up to reason and objective criteria, etc.
I think the problem comes when we look at these stories and assume they are rules or morals to live by. The Bible is a complete narrative of the history of God and His dealings with people, and I think problems come as soon as we take sections out of context. I think that’s a lot like reading any other book.
As far as I understand my faith, being a Christian means following the teachings of Christ. And that means filtering all other things, including the whacky Old Testament stories, through my faith in Him. I think there is room to struggle. I am enrolled in seminary now, so I hope I can work through some of these issues. Then again if they are all resolved, I guess that doesn’t involve too much faith, does it?
43. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
and just as a side note… the douay-rheims bible translation that the links go to is not a very faithful translation. there are alot of politics involved in their decisions. for a less biased work, go to biblegateway.com and choose either the NASB or ESV.
44. JLo - January 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
Here’s a question for you, Jfrater, should the 40th commenter get a free Bible?
45. Cat Skyfire - January 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
Remember, onanism may be used as a term for masturbation, but his crime was clearly early withdrawal. This is the first recorded case of a ’substantial penalty for early withdrawal.”
46. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:18 am
JLo: no! The coffers will be totally empty before long
47. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:19 am
The passages all have specific meanings that can be derived from the story and surrounding context. read more than just the sentence and you will understand better. And #7 is not about necrophilia, the brother is dead, not the woman. Read carefully, heathen. (lol)
48. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:19 am
DiscHuker: the DR is used by all English speaking Catholics and is an honest translation of the Latin Catholic bible - as Catholics are the largest majority of Christians (by more than twice the total number) I figured it okay to use
JT didn’t include links - just chapter and verse - I added the links.
49. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:20 am
Oh - and please guys - this list is not meant to mock Christianity or religious people - it is MEANT to be funny because of the very fact that the stories are taken out of context. Of course the context and history makes most of them clear - but then it wouldn’t be a fun list would it?
50. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:21 am
Now my comments are showing. I double posted because I couldn’t see them. Sorry…
51. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:22 am
jfrater- so your saying you are deliberately provoking us??? :-O *wink*
52. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:25 am
I do think that some of the stories in the bible may be outdated, as the new testament replaced alot of old ideals with more practical and less…uh…traumatic (?) solutions.
53. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:26 am
Btw, for those wondering about the Fig Tree - the true moral of that one is that if a tree bears no fruit (ie, a religion does not do good for man) then it should be cursed (ie, thrown away) - early Christian thought on it was that it may have been a reference to Judaism having become so entangled in laws that there was no “love” or justice left in it (it was not bearing any fruit).
54. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
JF: Really? I thought it was a prophecy about CoS
55. Scullygirl - January 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
What kills me about story number #7 is that it’s repeated!! Later on or right before there is the story about Lot being warned by two angels of the fall of Sodom. Then the men of the city want to “know” the angels and Lot tells them they can’t have the guests but he has two daughters who have yet to “know” men and they can have them instead. So the worst part of this horrible terrible story is that is was so important that it had to be told twice with different characters!!!!
56. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
you are right jayfray, but that doesn’t mean that politics weren’t involved.
the translation that i grew up with, King James, has the same problems.
when people sit down to translate and they come across something that is in opposition to current practice, something has to give. sadly, it is hardly ever current practice.
57. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:28 am
Mystern: hah - I half wrote another comment referring to that and deleted it! But yes - I think it can be taken as the tacit approval of God to “curse” the CoS
longball: that is weird - for some reason your comments are going to moderation and I have to approve them - weird. Oh - and I wouldn’t EVER try to provoke anyone….
58. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:30 am
DiscHuker: I really like the translation of the DR and am not aware of any politics - it was written in France away from the revolutionaries in a monastery - so there was no fear of death etc for the people involved. The version I used is the Challoner (I think) version which was a revision done in the 1800s far long after the period in which it was originally translated so that should have fixed any problems that might have been there because of timing.
59. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:31 am
jf- how do i fix that?
60. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:32 am
Sorry - Challoner version was 18th century, not the 1800s
61. jwbm2525 - January 31st, 2008 at 8:32 am
jfrater: Oh come on, you knew this would stir the pot!
longball: My mistake was already pointed out, and that’s Ms. Heathen to you!
62. Cyrus - January 31st, 2008 at 8:35 am
Well, no wonder all the stories are weird…their “source” is the Catholic Bible, which is quite possibly the least accurate English translation in existence, even worse than the KJV. Not to mention that it includes books that aren’t considered to be part of the Bible in most Christian circles.
But it does make for an interesting article. The only thing I’d change is #2. The context of that story makes it even more interesting. Numbers 22:21-33
63. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:36 am
longball: I don’t know - it is very weird. I am happy to approve them in the meantime while I do some research
Cyrus: the stories are all in the protestant version of the Bible - I just linked the chapters and verses to the Catholic bible - which predates the protestant Bible by one and a half thousand years
64. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:38 am
oh - and Cyrus: the Orthodox and Catholics consider the books you referred to as part of the canon (as it was defined in 300AD by the Catholic council of Nicaea) - the rest of the Christians in the world are about 1/3 the size of the Catholics and Orthodox combined - which means a minority of Christians do not consider them to be part of the Bible - the vast majority do.
65. billyrules! - January 31st, 2008 at 8:38 am
the story of elijah being mocked as always been my favorite, i don’t know why, but i just love the idea of him getting revenge on such a grand scale.
66. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:40 am
am i the only one you have to approve? must be one His mysteriously slightly gay ways of working…
67. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:41 am
longball: on this list yes - it is going to spam and I am marking them as not-spam which is meant to teach the spam filter to allow them - so hopefully that will fix itself.
68. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 8:42 am
should i try another list and see if the problem is persistent?
69. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 8:44 am
Geez longball! Stop spamming the comments!
just kidding
70. Cyrus - January 31st, 2008 at 8:44 am
4 Kings is not. The Apocrypha is not considered by Protestants to be part of the Bible. The problem with the Catholic Bible has nothing to do with age and everything to do with how it was translated and when.
The Old Testament was originally written in Hebrew. Middle Eastern languages are difficult to perfectly translate into western languages (like English) anyways, but the Catholic church translated it into Latin first. Everytime you translate something, you have a certain amount of error to it. It was also translated during a time when politics were a huge part of the church, and who knows how much that corruption influenced the translators. Well, it stayed that way for 1500 years until the Latin Vulgate (the Catholic Bible) was translated into English. So, they translate ancient modes of Latin into modern English, resulting in more inaccuracies.
The Protestant bibles are taken directly from the Hebrew texts, and therefore have less translation inaccuracies.
71. chershey - January 31st, 2008 at 8:49 am
Jesus told me for all of you to give me a million dollars. Now don’t disobey him now!
72. Cyrus - January 31st, 2008 at 8:50 am
And the reason the Apocrypha is not included in Protestant Bibles is because it is the only section of the Bible that contradicts itself, so it was removed. The sections that remained were the Hebrew bible (albeit in a different order), the Gospels, and the Epistles.
73. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:52 am
Cyrus: 4 Kings is what protestants call 2 Kings - it is not an apocryphal book even for protestants. The Old Testament used by Jesus was the LXX - that is the version that the Catholic Old Testament was based on - in 1500 Luther etc. decided to go with books that the Jews decided should be in the canon - they decided that after Christ died - probably at the Council of Javneh. The Vulgate translation appeared in the 400s - what were the politics that effected its translation?
In the first 200 years of Christianity, people such as Cyprian of Carthage, Hippolytus, Irenaeus, Polycarp of Smyrna, the Didache, and Barnabas, to name a few, all quoted from the so-called apocrypha - this is as early as 70AD (only 40 years after Christ died) - that is a lot of very important people who considered them to be canonical.
74. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:55 am
Oops - made a mistake - the Vulgate was translated directly from Hebrew not the LXX. St Jerome finished the translation around 405 AD. He had copies of the Hebrew text that are no longer extant. If you learn to speak Latin you can’t really get much closer to the original than the Vulgate.
75. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 8:56 am
Cyrus: obviously the most important men after the Apostles in the early Church didn’t think there were contradictions or problems in the apocrypha otherwise they would not have used them as definite texts
76. TMo - January 31st, 2008 at 8:57 am
Yo… hilaaaarious list. My coworkers think i’m nuts for having a laugh-storm in my cubicle… foreskin party at my house! Bring the Holy Book and a sharp rock and crunchy Cheetos!
77. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:01 am
Cyrus: oh - one other point - you do know that the first English translation of the bible was not in the 1500s don’t you? For example there is the Lindisfarne gospels - translated to English in the 8th century (Lindisfarne is in England). There was another in the 10th century as well.
78. ProgRapture - January 31st, 2008 at 9:05 am
See, we don’t need all these weak ways of teaching our kids, we need bears in the schools!
79. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:06 am
ProgRapture: hahah - hear hear
80. Manuel - January 31st, 2008 at 9:14 am
I laughed with tears half hour, am still laughing in fact!
Bible is so ridiculous book!
81. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
Manuel- i believe #10 was a lesson in ridicule and laughter…enjoy the bears!
82. Amber - January 31st, 2008 at 9:26 am
The best list ever!
83. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 9:30 am
i bet parents and school teachers the world over wish they had a pack of bears at their disposal to call on disrespectful kids.
just one mauling a year would take care of most discipline problems, right?
84. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am
DiscHuker: works for me
85. chaz - January 31st, 2008 at 9:34 am
Great list!
86. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:41 am
BTW: three comments ago we reached 28,000 comments!
87. JT - January 31st, 2008 at 9:43 am
hey jfrater, why have you changed 2 kings to 4 kings? I didn’t even know that there was a 4 Kings…
Oh and the source Bible I used for this was the KJV guys in case you were wondering.
88. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:45 am
JT: to correspond to the Book names used in the DR version (which is what I linked each of the chapters and verses to)
89. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 9:45 am
I prefer the Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker versions of the Bible where it’s ok to masterbate in front of a skank, and then to actually do the skank. Just ask for forgivness and all is better.
Or even the Ted Haggard version where it’s ok to preach against homosexuality then go get some meth and go for it with another dude for three years. Or perhaps the Catholic version where it’s ok to impersonate Uncle Ernie while you fiddle about.
Much of the problem with “American” Christianity isn’t the Bible, it’s with some of the idiots we call pastor.
90. dangorironhide - January 31st, 2008 at 9:47 am
jfrater: you should have an honorable mention for the 30,000th commenter!
91. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:50 am
dangorironhide: alas the admin control panel doesn’t tell me who that was!
bucslim: I would agree with you on that.
92. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 9:52 am
JF: That would be easy to figure out just take a look when the 30k comment was reached and then look ath the most recent comments on the homepage.
93. KK - January 31st, 2008 at 9:53 am
hahah .. .a damn funny list …
weird interpretations though ..
all da religions of the world have few weird stories … of coz they were written centuries .. n smtimes millennia back …
94. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 9:54 am
Mystern: True! It was comment #83 on this list by Amber! Well done Amber
95. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 9:57 am
jwbm2525; I disagree with you, I don’t believe in any particular organized religion, but they all have something to offer. Friendship and fellowship and the here comes the big one - FAITH
Some people have a need for it. I would suggest you help your daughter to learn about different ones, so that she doesn’t end up a scientologist or something worse.
96. poptart - January 31st, 2008 at 9:58 am
I’m glad everyone is taking this list with a grain of salt.
OH WAIT.
Haha, the first one with the bald dude was totally written by a man who had that done to him and was pissed that there was no revenge on the kids. He was like “I’ll show those little bastards what God says about making fun of bald people!” He’s the Mr. Wilson of the Bible (Mr. Wilson of Dennis the Menace fame, natch).
97. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 10:01 am
Good morning Mom424. I was wondering when you were going to start adding your 38 cents
98. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 10:04 am
I say there be a list on bible stories that are no longer relevant. Like animal/human sacrifice for forgiveness, gender discrimination, and such.
99. JwJwBean - January 31st, 2008 at 10:06 am
I think the moral to number one is make lemonade when the world gives you lemons. Or maybe it is promoting watching good looking people while reproducing and even ugly people can produce better looking kids.
100. chershey - January 31st, 2008 at 10:07 am
So does the 100th comment get Onan porn?
101. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 10:08 am
I thought it was Lego Porn . . .
102. TMG - January 31st, 2008 at 10:08 am
Most Christians wouldn’t be if they actually READ the bible… but, hey, that takes to long and the pastor only picks out the good stuff. To bad they don’t know the bible promotes slavery, infanticide, killing out the ass, and oh yeah, women aren’t allowed to teach. Ever.
Oh well, informed people are a pipe dream.
103. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 10:10 am
jayfray, since we have many christians/catholics/atheists etc, why not do a list of the top 10 best things about each? we have seen many negatives, lets try to figure out why people enjoy what they believe. i’d be happy to write the one about christianity if people from other faiths would also join in.
104. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
DiscHuker: not a bad idea at all. BTW, Catholics are Christians - they have been around for well over 1,000 years prior to modern Christianity
105. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
Wow - over 100 comments in such a short time!
106. chershey - January 31st, 2008 at 10:15 am
The bible also says you can’t shave or wear fabric blends, (no cotton-poly for you!) and if you commit adultery, the two of you should be stoned to death. And the whole slave thing, it’s not just owning slaves is okay and they’re your property, but you can buy your neighbor to become your slave… I wonder if all those anti-gay groups preaching those Leviticus passages have ever even read Leviticus once and took notice of how preposterous and dated the whole thing is.
107. MiSaNtHrOpE - January 31st, 2008 at 10:15 am
So how should we deal with these and other bizarre scriptural (it is safe to assume that weird and morally questionable tales exist within every other scripture) fables?
I’m a Lit major but my authority goes out the window when things are taken RELIGIOUSLY seriously. What do we do about people taking an entire book (a collection of short stories combined with [barbaric] ancient law) so seriously when it often ends up hurting -and even sometimes- killing?
108. adorabelle - January 31st, 2008 at 10:19 am
hahahaha! great list….i know most of the back grounds for these stories and know what they mean…but still, very funny.
i went to catholic school until i reach college age and believe me, even though they were teaching us what this stuff meant to our religion, there were lots of giggle fests in class because some of this stuff is really bizzarro… i think we skipped the 100 foreskins part….i guess telling that to 30 14-year-olds didn’t really appeal to my theo teacher….its too bad david killed all those people any way, michal ended up being a huge bitch.
also…cyrus, the catholic bible isn’t any less wrong or right than other christian bibles, its a text of faith…and of course the translations may have gotten a bit messy…but different sects have taken out and put back in different books because of politics and to better support what their particular sect teaches.
109. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
i don’t know if we want to stir this pot, but wasn’t the reformation all about the catholic church not being “christian”? (and i use that term to mean christ like, not in the modern usage to mean a certain group)
110. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 10:27 am
here is the main verse that gives me the giggles, Deuteronomy 25:11
“when men fight with one another and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand. your eye shall have no pity.”
i think all men would agree to this law.
111. Jay - January 31st, 2008 at 10:30 am
It says a lot that such a controversial list like this is totally left alone by the die-hard nuts, because with every entry there’s a reference to the Bible; i.e. they can’t think for themselves without written back up from a so-called-truth.
The best list yet in my opinion. Death to idiocy.
112. JwJwBean - January 31st, 2008 at 10:31 am
I find it funny that christian religions can not even agree with each other on the teachings from the Bible. They all think their interpretation is correct and the others are going to hell for not believing as they do. I think if we have the top 10 reasons I am a (religion inserted here)list, you would need to have someone do one for each of the different Christian ones. Some might be very similar. Or maybe someone will learn that their religion is not quite as far off as the ones they are condeming.
113. jschul5 - January 31st, 2008 at 10:33 am
Good List. I’ve seen #1 used as a example of recessive genetics explained before anyone knew what it was: ie, stripes are recessive and skipped that generation, only to show up in the next.
Oh, and the moral to #3 is great.
114. anton lefevre - January 31st, 2008 at 10:33 am
I have checked with my pastor and he tells me that these stories (and a few others you did not mention) were added to the Bible in the 16th century by people seeking to discredit the Holy Word of God.
You will not find these stories in the original Hebrew version of the Bible. That’s why they are not studied by true Christians.
115. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 10:36 am
anton lefevre: time to change churches then - your pastor is lying to you (or he is just ignorant of truth) - you can look at copies of the Bible from long before the 16th century and you will find all of these stories in them - you might start with the Septuagint - the Greek version that predates the time of Christ - they are all in there too.
116. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 10:37 am
Oh - and anton: one of the stories is from the New Testament - that was written in Greek and Latin originally - not Hebrew.
117. JwJwBean - January 31st, 2008 at 10:37 am
“I have checked with my pastor and he tells me that these stories (and a few others you did not mention) were added to the Bible in the 16th century by people seeking to discredit the Holy Word of God.”
And you believed that story from your pastor?
118. chershey - January 31st, 2008 at 10:39 am
I always believe pastors. Especially when they tell me they want to see my pepe.
119. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 10:41 am
see my previous post. pfft.
120. downhighway61 - January 31st, 2008 at 10:47 am
anton lefevre- i remember learning stories 2 and 3 in Hebrew school. just sayin’.
this damn pacific time is putting me behind!! i woke up and checked this site and already there were 100 comments! how am i ever going to be first?
and i love this list by the way. and the first comment was pretty funny.
121. mobmij - January 31st, 2008 at 10:49 am
I dunno — isn’t the weirdest story in the bible the one about the God who had to die to make His father forgive people for something they didn’t actually do themselves, except his father was really Himself and could have done the forgiving all on His own, without needless torture and bloodshed and death? There’s even a real multiple personality scene, where the God is on a cross and yells up at Himself about forsaking Him(self)?
Or am I thinking about a different and polytheistic religion, where gods talking to other gods would be normal?
122. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 10:52 am
Mornin’ Mystern and other fellow travellers…
I’ve been up for ages, and I really try only to comment when I have something to say,,,unfortunately I almost always have something to say
My gift and my curse
123. Jay - January 31st, 2008 at 10:53 am
anton: I trust my parents more than anyone, and they told me the story of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Pastor???? Get a grip!
124. dastex - January 31st, 2008 at 10:54 am
What a hoot. I must say you’ve outdone yourself jfrater. The one about the guy offering his virgin daughter to the gang of bisexual rapists takes the cake.
125. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 10:57 am
anton- what religion do you claim as your own? curious as to what bible they read?
126. Shane S. - January 31st, 2008 at 11:00 am
You too can see God’s butt, just like Moses in #3. Michaelangelo was gracious enough to paint it in all its glory on the Sistine Chapel ceiling:
NSFC (not safe for church)
127. Bruno - January 31st, 2008 at 11:05 am
Hmmm, most of these have the horrible fallacy of selective reading or simple ignorance of the culture of the times.
10. Elisha had shaved his head because his predecessor Elijah had just been taken into heaven. Shaving one’s head was a sign of mourning back then. Thus, when Elisha was mocked by a mob of youths (probably teenagers by the original language’s meaning), they were not only making fun of his mourning but disgracing his predecessor Elijah. Both men were prophets, agents for God and as the saying goes, God does not like to be mocked.
9. This is an interesting story but none that really gives a relevant moral. Weird stuff happens all the time in history. Judges was a book written as history and such some weird things will turn up. Perhaps a closer reading would yield further meaning.
8. Back in the day, your family was your life. Without children, you could not pass on your inheritance, your name would die and your wife would be left with nothing. As such, if a husband died before having children, the husband’s brother was obligated to provide children for the family. This was not merely a religious practice, it was a practical matter widely used throughout the ANE (Ancient Near East). The reason God was pissed at Onan wasn’t because he masturbated, it was cause he did not fulfill his duty to provide his sister in law with children.
7. This story is obviously not meant to be used for moral teaching and instruction. It serves as an example of wickedness and evil. Furthermore, it should be noted that hospitality in the ANE was a major obligation. Thus, a guest was protected so much so that even the owner’s own life came secondary. It’s also worth noting that this account is very similar to the story of Sodom and Gamorrah.
6. Umm, this story isn’t in the bible. 1 Kings 18 has to do with Elijah challenging the priests of Baal. Even if the story was in the bible, I really don’t understand how it could be meant to taught anything other than the craziness of King Saul.
5. It was important for the Jews to set themselves apart from other people, especially (in the context of this story) the Egyptians. God introduced circumcision as a means to distinguish the Jewish people from all others. It was especially worth noting that in this short verse, it is right after the plague of killing the first born children . Again, I don’t see any moral instruction in this very short story.
4. Ah, the meaning of the withered fig tree. This story is actually quite powerful. Essentially, Jesus is illustrating to His disciples that when God calls you to do something, you cannot simply say “I am not in season” i.e. “I don’t want to now, maybe later.”
3. I don’t know what you are talking about, the translation I’m reading (NIV) says “and you will see my back.” So… yeah, that doesn’t mean butt.
2. Actually, Balaam was a pagan prophet. God was trying to get his attention through his donkey. In the previous verses, the donkey keeps stopping because it sees an angel while Balaam ignores it. Sometimes God likes to get people’s attention.
1. Wrong again sir, there is a great difference between the Bible describing a bunko process and endorsing it as true. The story here is that Jacob’s buddy Laban is cheating him out of livestock. By Jacob’s own admission in Genesis 31:9, it is GOD who made the process work, not his own superstition.
128. downhighway61 - January 31st, 2008 at 11:07 am
bruno- i think selective reading was part of the fun.
129. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 11:08 am
bucslim; hear, hear! See my above comment about not believeing in any particular religion. The obvious hypocrisy is exactly why. And imo fundamentalist anything is dangerous.
130. Brittany - January 31st, 2008 at 11:08 am
I’m still laughing over #2. That’ll teach you to smack asses I suppose…
131. Jay - January 31st, 2008 at 11:09 am
mobmij: Fair comment.
132. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 11:10 am
bruno; that was the point, and it proves that any crack-pot who wants to set up his own cult/religion can find justification for their beliefs….
see my above post
133. Bruno - January 31st, 2008 at 11:14 am
Yeah, but as evidenced by the reaction by everyone on these posts, most people see these as actually pertinent to what Jews/Christians believe.
134. not-bob - January 31st, 2008 at 11:15 am
This is a great list. I should point out that finding the moral in a story is answering the wrong question.
More appropriate questions are:
Who was this story written for?
Why was it written the way it was?
What were the authors trying to say?
The purpose of many of these stories is not to get us to come to an answer, but to embark on a journey of discovery. The answer isn’t the point, it’s the discovery that comes with an honest and thoughtful dialog on the many aspects.
135. Ravyn - January 31st, 2008 at 11:22 am
What a list… it is fun to read the comments…
I will just have to say comment #28 bucslim… Not everyone who does not follow the Bible is Pagan. Paganism is not a bad religion. Yes there are those who claim to be and give a bad look on the religion. But that holds true with all religions. It is the flaw of humanity, not the flaw of the religion.
136. longball - January 31st, 2008 at 11:23 am
Bruno is my hero!
137. CK - January 31st, 2008 at 11:25 am
Boy I can just imagine how much controversy this list is going to cause. Can we just agree to be civil and not call other people’s religions false or stupid? Everyone has their own beliefs and calling names is just going to cause fights to break out. Religion doesn’t make sense, atheism doesn’t make sense, let’s just agree to disagree. Can’t we all just get along!? =)
138. heavybison - January 31st, 2008 at 11:34 am
Us listversers should start a religion of our own and the listbook (our version of the bible) should contain the steamiest aspects of all religions.
139. Mom424 - January 31st, 2008 at 11:37 am
Mystern; see why I shut up earlier….so hear goes..
I believe that faith is a personal matter and shouldn’t be worn on the sleeve. I don’t believe I have all the answers nor does any religion. Just as long as they keep trying to figure it out, in the spirit that I believe god intended; faith, tolerance and love for our fellow man. You do realize that I’ve cut out all fundementalists by that statement. Tolerance and Love,,,thats not what they are about.
140. TheGreatOnan - January 31st, 2008 at 11:39 am
Good stuff!Does is surprise anyone that the only comeback bible believers can offer is that OUR interpretation of scripture is wrong? “Well, if you had someone explain how you should interpret this obscure text, it would be clear…” Can’t you say that about anything? That’s a cop out. That’s like arguing what the meaning of “IS” is. God should have hired someone better to write his autobiography for him!
If passages are not obvious to everyone, then how does one group KNOW for a fact their interpretation is more correct than the other’s?? It is all justification and rationalizing to support their beliefs/world-view. If this book had been written better, and the rules were clear maybe there wouldn’t be hundreds of different religious sects all with a slightly different “interpretation”. What hubris we humans have to decide what to keep and what to discard and how to interpret the Bible, if it were truly a sacred document.
Face it, all religion is circular reasoning by a group of people used to justify the world-view they happen to “want” to be true. Now let me get back to my fig pie!!
141. Bruno - January 31st, 2008 at 11:40 am
Mom429: And no mention of Truth? Why must faith be sequestered to the nether regions of a person with it never being expressed or discussed?
142. Bruno - January 31st, 2008 at 11:41 am
Mom429: And no mention of Truth? Why must faith be sequestered to the nether regions of a person with it never being expressed or discussed?
And I think you are making a gross generalization about “fundamentalists”. If by fundamentalist you mean someone who ACTUALLY believes in Jesus and wants to follow Him, I think you’re way off by that statement.
143. Bruno - January 31st, 2008 at 11:44 am
TheGreatOnan: So the bible should have been written for you personally?
Taking into account the historical circumstances, the type of writing and the intended audiences is important when interpreting the meaning of ANYTHING. Yes, anything.
In fact, I think if the bible connected anymore with modern people it would be pretty questionable if it was actually written by the people it purports to be written by. Obviously a lot has changed in the past 2000 years.
144. Spanky - January 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am
What’s truly hilarious is how people in these times think they are so smart and superior to people 3000 years ago. I can has txt messages so bibul iz stoopid.
Your great, great, great, great grandfather wasn’t stupid. When you realize that you’ve rejected his religion for your own (agnosticism, atheism, humanism, etc.) you’ll foresee that, one day, a few thousand years from now, your great, great grandchildren will roll with laughter at how stupid and simple minded you were.
By the way, Jacob was screwed over by his father in law, Laban, on several occasions and was about to be screwed over by him again. The genetic spotting that occurred allowed Jacob to leave Laban’s house with the wives, concubines, and flock of sheep he needed to appease his disgusting brother Esau, who was coming to kill him. For those of you that are laughing at spotted sheep coming from solid sheep, keep in mind that 1) genetic mutations do happen and 2)Jacob served as Laban’s shepherd for over 20 years. He knew exactly what he was doing.
So suck it, pagans.
145. DiscHuker - January 31st, 2008 at 12:09 pm
ck: “Everyone has their own beliefs and calling names is just going to cause fights to break out. Religion doesn’t make sense, atheism doesn’t make sense, let’s just agree to disagree.”
don’t you see the problems imbedded in this type of statement. you follow saying not to call names with “religion doesn’t make sense”. isn’t that name calling?
and tolerance is the highest virtue? isn’t saying that you will not tolerate those that are intolerant slightly off-kilter?
why is it wrong to state your beliefs with authority? people have done it all over this list and only a few of those are traditionally religious beliefs. to say that religion is false and that God doesn’t exist and that the Bible is erroneous is an exclusive statement. this is what the current post-modern belief system hates, yet it is par for the course when bashing religion. to make these statements you have to have be omniscient. you have to know everything in the world to make exclusive statements about the nature of what exists and what doesn’t.
i have no problem with people doing that. but let’s not accuse the other side of being exlusive and closed minded when everyone is making statement that fall into that category.
146. toolnut - January 31st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m not even touching this one.
147. James - January 31st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Philippians 2:9-11
Wherefore also God highly exalted him, and granted him a name, that which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of heavenly and earthly and infernal beings, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to God the Father’s glory.
Romans 14:11 For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.
1 Corintians 1:20-25
For the word of the cross is to them that perish foolishness, but to us that are saved it is God’s power. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and set aside the understanding of the understanding ones. Where is the wise? where scribe? where disputer of this world? has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world by wisdom has not known God, God has been pleased by the foolishness of the preaching to save those that believe. Since Jews indeed ask for signs, and Greeks seek wisdom; but *we* preach Christ crucified, to Jews an offense, and to nations foolishness; but to those that are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ God’s power and God’s wisdom. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
Do not mock what you do not understand,
Peace
148. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Reminder Kids: Jesus is an imaginary friend for adults.
149. go.jump - January 31st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
If you really want to know why Jesus cursed the fig tree, have a look at The Desire of Ages, by Ellen G. White. It is clearly and eloquently described.
150. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
“He came down to earth as an incarnation of Himself, to sacrifice Himself to Himself in order to forgive His people, who he made in the image of Himself, and save them from the wrath of–wait for it!!!–HIMSELF!!!”
151. Mystern - January 31st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Wow. An SDA on the site?
152. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
“We are all atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” — Stephen Roberts
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.”
–Seneca
About 15 centuries later, Edward Gibbon wrote: “The various modes of worship which prevailed in the Roman Empire were considered by the people as equally true, by the philosopher as equally false, and by the magistrate as equally useful.”
“Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich.” - Napolean Bonaparte
“When I think of the number of unpleasant people I know who claim to be going to a ‘better world’, I’m moved to lead a more sinful life.
Remember, heaven for the climate, hell for the society.”
- Samuel Langhorn Clemens
153. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“If the Bible and my brain are both the work of the same Infinite God, whose fault is it that the book and my brain do not agree?” –Robert G. Ingersoll
154. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I happen to enjoy the posts about tolerance and love too. I find it humorous that they exclude fundamentalists from their tolerance and love.
How very enlightened indeed.
This started with Martin Luther and others when they interpreted the Bible into common languages. In fact - for the person sitting into the pew to interpret for himself. In effect a rebellion against the Catholic hierarchy’s spoon feeding them based upon church tradition and papal directives.
Now anyone with a polyester suit, perfectly coifed hair and a pulpit can spray anything they want, and more often than not the adoring congregation slurps it all up, no questions asked. Not far behind are the requests for donations. The Bible can be interpreted many ways and for many purposes. The ‘real’ interpretation depends upon your point of view.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to dancing naked around the Druid May Pole.
155. condo bondo mondo - January 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
ya know, maybe your work would “bear more fruit” if you brought up stories from the bible that do have a good point - there’s a lot more than 10 of those to choose from.
156. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Scratch an American Christian and you will find that their religious conviction rests on little more than Xmas time department nativity scenes. They know jack about their religion in reality.
Take the idiotic practice of circumcision. America is the only civilized nation that practices this lunacy with about 60% of baby boys being mutilated at birth. Fortunately the tide is turning slowly against the practice. But if you talk to people in the Flyover states they will declare that the bible demands circumcision.
No it doesn’t.
Paul discusses this issue and states unequivocally that it’s a Jewish thing and that Christians need not do it.
By the way, nature designed the glans to be an internal organ. It’s supposed to be membrane like the inside of your lip and not dried out skin which is what happens to it when there is no foreskin to cover it.
For the record, even Jewish people are starting to question circumcision.
http://www.jewsagainstcircumcision.org/
http://www.jewishcircumcision.org/
157. jakob.taylor - January 31st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Wow, interesting group of people on this site. First, please allow me to applaud whoever it was that lifted this list from cracked.com. Yes, you added a few of your own, and you changed a little of the writing….you are still a plagiarizing ass. All of baffling intellects that are continually bashing Christianity….well played. Nothing like proving your superior intellect like bashing things that you know little about and refuse to research. How many of you read all of the verses on this list out of the bible before going off on your diatribes? I’m going to venture guess that none of you have. How about you keep your hateful speech to yourselves. And the guy at the top of the list that claimed that people that take religion too seriously are either fundies or terrorist, stellar generalization. I’m good at assuming things too. I am going to venture to guess that anyone that would write those words is either is either a jackass or a retard.
158. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Jakob, I have many years of religious schooling under my belt and can run circles around most believers when it comes to bible knowledge. See my post on circumcision above.
Long ago I decided to look for information outside of the bible which would corroborate its claims. I did so to bolster my sagging faith.
Guess what. I found nothing.
Makes you think doesn’t it?
How come no one outside the bible mentions Jesus or any of the OT events such as the flood or Exodus? The Egyptians never heard of Moses.
Even a top Israeli archaeologist admits that most of the OT stories are either outright lies or gross exaggerations.
http://archive.salon.com/books.....print.html
159. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
jakob.taylor: ignoring your insults, I am one of the people who did read the quotes before commenting (and you will find my comments were not anti-religion) - I believe that there are true morals to be learnt from these sections of the Bible but I also believe that it is amusing to look at them out of context for the sake of humor. This list is not meant to trick people in to hating religion - it is meant to provide an amusing look at parts of the bible.
By resorting to ad hominem attacks, you make yourself as bad as the people you are attacking - it doesn’t help your cause.
160. Miss Destiny - January 31st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I like this list, it’s different and really fascinating!
condo bondo mondo: This list is about bizarre stories from the bible. So, what point would there be in including stories with a good point? That’s another list for another time!
161. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Bible Dude: Josephus, the Jewish historian mentions Jesus in his Antiquities of the Jews (in the early 90s AD). According to Wikipedia:
162. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Let’s just do a quick review of bible-god.
Remember that he’s allegedly “omniscient.” This means that he knew before the beginning of time everything that would happen. Everything.
If we are to play along with this, he knew long before he created you whether you’d end up in heaven or hell.
This begs the question of why go ahead with the experiment if he knew how it would end? Does he enjoy watching suffering?
But he decided to proceed. Well the first experiment in the garden of Eden is a right disaster. So what does this “just” god do in response? I would have sent Adam & Eve to bed without supper that night and given them a second chance. Bible-god instead goes postal, evicts these two naive teens, and then to be extra sadistic, he places the Curse of Original Sin not just on them but on all of their descendants in perpetuity.
Nota bene: This deity metes out infinite punishment for finite transgressions. Moreover, he metes out collective punishment for individual acts.
The above goes against everything civilized society stands for.
Now we continue along to his next screw-up. Things continue to deteriorate in large part because of the burden of Original Sin. After all, Original Sin dooms humanity from the get-go. It doesn’t stand a chance of winning bible-god’s approval.
So what does bible-god do in response? Why he holds the very first holocaust: the Biblical Flood. Not only does he murder all people but puppies and kitties too!
Remind me again how he supposedly differs from Satan?
We continue. After re-starting with a blank canvass after the flood, things still go to pot in his creation.
This deity just can’t get it right, can he?
So what is this genius’s next idea for solving the problems in his creation? Why it’s to have an illegitimate child with a young teen whose sole purpose will be to be murdered in a gruesome blood ritual!
This is the best solution bible-god could come up with???? If I were him, I would have wiggled my nose like I Dream of Jeannie and stopped the unnecessary suffering once and for all.
Despite this alleged sacrifice of his own child, the world continued getting worse and worse. Last year a ten year old girl was raped and buried alive in Florida as bible-god watched silently from up above.
He has the power to stop these crimes. He is the only one with the power to eliminate childhood leukemia and Alzheimers and stop tsunamis and earthquakes. Yet he does nothing.
Meanwhile, believers who sound as if they were traumatized victims of Stockholm Syndrome continue to bleat on about his mercy and love!
163. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Ha! The consensus amongst bible scholars and historians is that the vague Josephus footnote is a forgery added to his works centuries later by the church to create a paper trail for Jesus.
Sorry.
164. JT - January 31st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
jakob, do you mind telling me where I plagiarised this list from? I did a quick search of cracked.com and the only remotely similar section was this: http://www.cracked.com/article.....erses.html
which only lists 3 of the bible passages I did and writes about them in a completely different way.
And this list was wasn’t meant to castigate religion. It was simply to take some passages that, while bearing some semblance of the conventions of society and belief 2-3,000 years ago, are absolutely absurd nowadays. Foreskin collecting? Talking donkeys? Magical genetics? I would hope that people can realise that these stories are not factually true and were most likely written as myths and allegories as most sensible Christians realise, and that we can all have a laugh about it now with the benefit of enlightened hindsight.
165. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Bible Dude: the “addition” is in the earlier section referring to Jesus as “Christ” - that was almost certainly added - but he does mention Jesus and “his brother James” and no one disputes the authenticity of that. Even Origen makes mention of it (2nd and 3rd century).
166. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
JT: brilliantly put - thanks
167. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Here’s the reality folks.
Bible-god is the creation of an ancient tribal peoples trying to make sense of the suffering and death in their world. Since they knew next to nothing of their world they concluded that they suffered because an invisible sky-pixie was punishing them for something they had done wrong.
You hear the same rationalization from battered children. “Daddy beats the crap out of me when he comes home from the bar because I’m bad and deserve it.”
168. dofnup - January 31st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Didn’t read all 161 comments before mine, but I just wanted to say that I would use this quote as a sig if I wouldn’t be instantly banned for it:
“God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.”
XDDDD
169. bucslim - January 31st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I wish Bible God had the power to make Bible Dude shut his blathering pie hole.
Ah screw it, where’s my propellor hat?
170. Derek99 - January 31st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
His name is BibleDude, therefore he must be an authority on the Bible.
Just like if I call myself QuantumphysicsDude…well I still wouldn’t know what I’m talking about
171. chershey - January 31st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
You’re using English! Somebody already used these words! You are plagiarizing! How dare you use these words! *smites you*
172. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
JF,
Jesus was a very common name back then just as it is today in the Latino community. Most historians have concluded that the alleged footnote by Josephus to an alleged rabble rouser named Jesus is indeed a forgery added centuries later.
173. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Bucslim,
Why do you hate free speech?
Are you a commie?
174. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Bible Dude: that contradicts Origen and other sources from then until now - can you cite some kind of study that states what you are saying?
175. copperdragon - January 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
bibledude: i am writing these quotes down in my “atheism bible” right now. thanks.
james: the guy at my carwash is named Jesus. should I kneel to him, or will a fiver do??
all: my daughter is a practicing wiccan, and has more decency, common sense and love than any of her “christian” classmates, who are too busy trying to pick out (and pick on) anyone who’s different.
“do what thou wilt, ere it harm no one.”
176. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
From wiki as well on the Josephus reference to a “Jesus” being a forgery:
Some of the deepest concerns about the authenticity of the passage were succinctly expressed by John Dominic Crossan, in The Historical Jesus: The Life of a Mediterranean Peasant:[14] “The problem here is that Josephus’ account is too good to be true, too confessional to be impartial, too Christian to be Jewish.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josephus_on_Jesus
By the way, Crossan is a leading biblical scholar.
177. Bible Dude - January 31st, 2008 at 1:39 pm
that contradicts Origen
_____________
What contradicts?
178. jfrater - January 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Bible Dude: that reference is to Jesus as “Christ” which is extremely unlikely to have been said by Josephus. Again, from the very article you cited:
One modern scholar and several recent “popular” writers are hardly convincing proof against 1900 years of scholars and writers that believe that the *other* reference to Jesus (not the Christ reference) is authentically Josephus.
179. Bible Dude -