Top 10 Prison Survival Tips

1. 1. slug - August 15th, 2007 at 8:27 pm

   10. dont drop the soap in the shower..

2. 2. S.O.B. - August 15th, 2007 at 8:58 pm

   You should work out, lend a pack of cigarettes to, fight, rape, and murder this guy.

3. 3. jfrater - August 15th, 2007 at 9:08 pm

   Slug: I forgot to add that - a perfect addition.

   S.O.B: Cruel but hilarious

4. 4. christian - August 15th, 2007 at 11:01 pm

   strangly applies, for better or for worse and in the doing them right or wrong, in one way or another—to many of the famous actors and just plain famous that are on the tabloid hit lists these days…think about it., other than that, I suggest a top ten ways of breaking out of an island prison (i.e. Alcatraz), because you already have the shipwrecked list and now this one. then i suppose the next would be how to survive on a deserted island or how to survive as an unknown within a large populace, ect.

5. 5. gregf - August 16th, 2007 at 2:27 am

   Apparently the person making the list should go to jail a few times before he makes a list about prison rules. Looks like a list you would come up with after watching a tv show. Try actually going to jail then make a list.

6. 6. Bill - August 16th, 2007 at 2:57 am

   Rock solid advice - for the inside and the outside!

7. 7. Dennis - August 16th, 2007 at 3:33 am

   gregf, as someone who’s been to a few jails and known hundreds of people who have done prison time, I’d say this is a pretty good list for everyone to memorize. Especially if you one day end up in some scary county jail in Los Angeles for 4 days while waiting for your arraignment, and you committed some pussy crime like DUI or public intoxication and weren’t prepared for time in jail.

   #1 and #4 are the biggest no-no’s.

   As far as gambling, it’s not that big a deal if you actually have the money to gamble. While it’s certainly not risk-free, neither is gambling in Las Vegas and I wouldn’t recommend anyone skip out on a Vegas vacation just because they might lose more money than they can afford.

8. 8. jfrater - August 16th, 2007 at 7:18 am

   Christian: at least one of your suggestions is on my list

   Bill: Thanks!

   Dennis: Thanks for your insight - it is nice to hear from someone who has been there and done that. I am glad you are out now

9. 9. John Rohan - August 16th, 2007 at 12:47 pm

   Interesting list, and it seems like good info, but I would like to know what is the author’s sources and/or experience in the matter?

   Have you been to prison, talked to prisoners, or just watched a bunch of prison movies?

10. 10. jfrater - August 16th, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    John: The sources are from friends and research. I have not been to prison

11. 11. Heretic - August 17th, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    Why is the “Top 10 rules for fine dining” a “related article”….. lol. Well, i’m glad there’s finally a list that doesn’t include the “Beat up a guy the first day you get there” crap, since that will most likely make you a target for some PO’d friends. Anyway, this and the “perfect crime” article was pretty entertaining, if not useful for anytime *later* in life.

12. 12. cliff - August 17th, 2007 at 7:07 pm

    i’ve spent time in jail myselfa(1 yr), and this is the perfect list. i was expecting to be a crock or a joke but it all is perfect advice. not saying if you listen to this advice you would come out w/o a scatch, but it would sure give u a better chance.

13. 13. jfrater - August 17th, 2007 at 7:39 pm

    Heretic: Maybe the code knows that ex-prisoners would benefit from table manners? Remember, if you need to commit a crime in the future - don’t tell us!!!

    cliff: thanks for the comment - I really appreciate it. I hope that you have managed to get on with life after the event and are happy in your current situation.

14. 14. Jake123 - August 17th, 2007 at 8:17 pm

    I’ve been a Corrections Officer for 11 years–this list is dead on. The people who say this list is wrong are idiots.

15. 15. jfrater - August 17th, 2007 at 8:54 pm

    Jake - thanks for that comment - it is much appreciated.

16. 16. tonyg - August 20th, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    I expected some dumbass list, gleaned no doubt from “OZ” reruns..I am happy to see that this is all good advice.Hopefully you won’t need it:)

17. 17. jfrater - August 21st, 2007 at 8:05 am

    tonyg: thanks I agree about not needing it!

18. 18. jay - September 25th, 2007 at 1:10 am

    6 and 8 completely contradict each other - walk with your head facing downwards/walk with your head up… Otherwise pretty interesting.

19. 19. jfrater - September 25th, 2007 at 1:49 am

    jay: in 6 it is meant figuratively - keeping your head down means to not take interest in things around you.

20. 20. jay - September 25th, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Doesn’t sound too figurative.. “keep your head down” would be better, no?

21. 21. jfrater - September 25th, 2007 at 2:01 am

    jay: we are both victims of not reading what was written It says walk with your head facing forwards, not down.

22. 22. jay - September 25th, 2007 at 2:04 am

    Ah, apologies. The mind sees only what it wants to..

23. 23. jomama - October 23rd, 2007 at 9:16 pm

    Males who don’t drain the prostate on a fairly regular basis tend to develop swollen prostate glands, called “BPH” in medical jargon, especially as we age…this affects the ability to urinate normally and can be painful. Is there a higher than normal incidence of BPH among incarcerated men than there is among men in general?

24. 24. jfrater - October 24th, 2007 at 1:46 am

    jomama: in the normal lifecycle of a male, sperm is released in to the bladder if needed, so draining the prostate is not necessary as a preventative action. Additionally, in the US, more than half the men between 60 and 70 have BPH and up to 90% between 70 and 90. With that in mind, I think you could safely say that the incidence of BPH in prison will depend entirely on the age range of the prisoners.

25. 25. JAke pothead - November 4th, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    ha this list is BS. i just visited my brother today and just got home. Numer 1 its not an option to discuss what u have done. in my brothers barracks he is the one to check all ur lists and info on what u did. If u are a child molestor or anything to do with hurting little kids his first reaction is to drop ur papers and start sockin up ur face and others will jump in because they know that it has something to do with little kids. THIS IS HIS JOB TO PUT IN WORK TO GET FREE TATTOOS. also if ur 18 like my brother most of the guys give u respect because he has never seen anyone younger than him EVER. only 1 other 18 year old who is 17 days older than him.

26. 26. JAke pothead - November 4th, 2007 at 8:27 pm

    and for DROPPING THE SOAP. that is complete BS unless ur a rapist or molestor of children or u a punk. at visiting i saw a guy with long wavy hair and breast implants and his face was all cracked out. funniest thing i have ever seen and my brother walked up to him and punked that little b1tch and told him to never look at him again.

27. 27. davo - November 22nd, 2007 at 1:30 pm

    maybe you should lay off the hashish dude

28. 28. jfrater - December 7th, 2007 at 5:09 am

    hmm - I hate to say it - but I get the feeling that maybe Jake pothead will need this list in a year or two…..

29. 29. bill - December 10th, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    this was obviously written by someone who has never been in jail or prison. it should be called the pussy’s guide to surviving prison lol

30. 30. Dan - December 10th, 2007 at 7:08 pm

    Yeah, I’ve heard that rape doesn’t actually happen all that often.

31. 31. dettinger - December 10th, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    Jake123 and Cliff are right. I too was a Corrections Officer for 19 years and Dan, those rapes happen often enough. Bill, is it being such a pussy to do what’s necessary to leave prison alive and sane as possible? I don’t think you’ve ever experienced prison. If you did, you were probably one of the trouble makers this list was designed to help first timers avoid.
    Pothead, if you go to jail, I suggest you do everything discouraged on the list. See how that works.

32. 32. Hazy Day - December 10th, 2007 at 11:02 pm

    In ref to Jake Pothead. I really wish that they would make the internet ilegal for anyone under the age of 20. Every website that offer comments gets the same bull. It would be nice to read inteligent information without having to read childish crap like the posts from this punk.

33. 33. jfrater - December 10th, 2007 at 11:27 pm

    Hazy Day: thankfully most comments on the site are not like that

34. 34. Matt - December 11th, 2007 at 2:30 am

    I was a corrections officer for 30 years, and I can tell you half this list is bull. You are either someone’s bitch or nobodies. You will get into fights at some point, and you will be left alone only if you win.

    The other three people who say they are correctional officers are just losers who sit in their basement longing for an identity. They would get raped in prison.

35. 35. jfrater - December 11th, 2007 at 2:58 am

    Matt: you would convince people of your argument more if you didn’t call them names You will find that most of the best comments on here (even when they don’t like the list) are quite constructive. Welcome to the site btw

36. 36. mattayeaux - December 11th, 2007 at 3:25 am

    jamie, you’re a great ambassador of grace. That is why this is such an incredible site.

37. 37. Nothanks - December 11th, 2007 at 4:28 am

    Going to Jail is Gay. You either fucking guys, getting fucked by guys or living with guys that fuck each other.

38. 38. Ross M. - December 19th, 2007 at 2:47 am

    Here’s a sarcastic prison survival guide I found to be particularly interesting:

    http://www.voont.com/prison

    for example, one of this tips:

    DO take advantage of free credit the other inmates may offer you on your first day. It’s a heck of a deal to be able to get free cigarettes (or ciggy wiggys as they are sometimes called) and food on the first day without cash. Usually the inmates who loan you will accept money later or else find other ways that you can provide a service to repay them. Surprisingly this deal is usually offered only to new inmates, so take advantage of all the offers you can; it’s a buyers market!

39. 39. WildFire - January 3rd, 2008 at 8:01 pm

    All good comments. You can tell the piss-ants from the ones who really read the material. Wheither or not the tips really work will be subject for debait until someone posts a message after living this list. All information is valuable. Thanks.

40. 40. copperdragon - January 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am

    the best advice I saw in the whole posting was:
    dont commit a crime - which makes surviving jail a non-issue.

41. 41. evan - January 8th, 2008 at 9:55 am

    sure, because no one is ever wrongfully imprisoned :-\

42. 42. Mystern - January 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am

    As terrible as it is to be in prison (never been, but my brothers have), I must say that I’m not sorry at all that the man who molested and raped my wife is there and has likely received numerous beatings for his crimes.

43. 43. Bobby23 - January 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am

    I’ve been locked up twice in my life [my $lawyer$ loves me], and my inmates were good people. Learn to make tattoos and that’s all. P.S.Don’t speak to the police if they don’t ask you some.

44. 44. Bobby23 - January 9th, 2008 at 10:14 am

    @Nothanks one of my inmates was a killer, and everyone respected him. He sad no sex in his cell, and no J. off’s, so it was. You got illusions, made by Hollywood. But the Cops are all gay.

45. 45. luckyaz - January 13th, 2008 at 3:45 am

    or u could turn islam. joe smoe could become muhammed ali bin laden or some shit.

46. 46. VikingBerserker - January 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Personally, I think that all prisoners who commited sex crimes against children whould brag about it.

47. 47. Mystern - January 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 am

    Viking: I know that sex crimes are far more common than people realize and that being said if I was in prison and another inmate bragged about molesting a child I would beat him to within an inch of his life every chance I got.

48. 48. Ken - January 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    Good list with good information. Bad comments by sub-human species

49. 49. jjs - January 24th, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    i have spent six years in prison in the northwest, for the most part this is an article that does have some substance to it. i, personally, have a few arguements with it. #1-not associating with punks is a good tip, not associating with people involved with punks? come on. #2- dont discuss your time, not your crime, your crime will sometimes stop you from becoming a punk. #3 gamble away! every card game and domino game involves it. from squares (cigs) to ramen noodles. just dont bet what you dont have. #4- pretty accurate, never tell. #5- again good advice. #6- agreed, dont stare. #7- dont use drugs, is this from the just say no campaign? if someones gonna use then thats that. Dont use drugs doesnt belong on the list. #8- two parter here: yes work out, tattoos? youd better have them they are a prisoners resume. not tats is your first step towards becoming a punk. unless you are a victim of circumstances you already have them before catching your first ride though so not a biggie. #9- depending on how this is taken it can either be correct or incorrect. dont run your mouth, but dont be a mute. if you dont want to talk about personal stuff by all means do not, and not prying is very good advice. #10- be very respectful and demand your respect, polite? thats goin a little far, the respect has all the politeness in it you need. all in all a decent list.

50. 50. very_dumb_sod - January 28th, 2008 at 4:03 am

    i live in australia, i might be goin to jail for threatening to kil someone when i rang them, they recorded my cell phone call…i have one problem…i have an extremely fat ass due to steroid use, i dont use anymore, i shrank but my ass stayed the same, totally embarassing, i think this will make me a target…what do you think…i do have tatoos from when i was in the army before i got kicked out, so i dont look totally gay..will i survive? how do i conceal my ass?…what do i say when the jeers start? unfortunately true story……

51. 51. jfrater - January 28th, 2008 at 5:04 am

    very_dumb_sod: I think you will be fine - just remember the tips here and all will be well. Good luck!

52. 52. very_dumb_sod - January 28th, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    i will hope for the best….or i could gas myself with charcoal before i go to court ..i hear it is the most pleasant and easy way to die..of course you have to wait until the smoke clears ..then put in a big bowl and sit in your car and die..you could go for a drive somewhere first…p.s. dont use roids..what a waste of time

53. 53. TheDane - February 9th, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    #11 Remember to always tattoo the escape plan and architectural details of the prison all over your’re body.

54. 54. TheDane - February 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    woops. all over YOUR, typo.

55. 55. Kimba - February 11th, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    Going to prison in Broward County fort Lauderdale Florida is not that bad. The guys get along. Some of the Prisoners are nice not all are bad. It is OK to take one or two cigerattes as a token of friendship. The fact is you are going to need friends in prison. You must insure you pick the right friends.
    It is best to play weak in the beginning. This will insure the guard putting you with weaker inmates. If you show the guard you are tuff then they will be forced to put you with the tuff inmates. It is easier to be top dog with weaker inmates than the hardcore ones.
    If you do borrow in prison just make sure you can pay it back. Prisoners respect people that can pay back.

56. 56. Kimba - February 11th, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    It is easy to prevent from getting raped..

    Never smell pretty in prison.. Which basically means you do not wipe your butt when you take a crap? If you manage to keep a slight odor the sexual predators will look for someone who smells fresh and clean.

    You must make friend in prison. Make sure you pick good ones because they are the one who will be the look out when you shower and go to the bathroom.

    Make sure to be friends with the cooks because they will ensure you always have clean food.
    And if you happen to be weak you must face reality. It may make sense to find someone to be friends with and the others will know its hands off. Why take the chance on getting brutally gang raped by prisoners when you can just please one from time to time.

57. 57. Kimba - February 11th, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    What kind of activities are there in prison? Arts and craft, knitting etc…

58. 58. Kimba - February 14th, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    A guy who went to prison stated the following
    You know that when the gavel falls and they send you up the river, you’ll be a “new fish” dumped into a pool of bloodthirsty piranhas. The first time you walk down the tier to your cell, praying for God to give your trembling knees the energy to keep pushing forward, you’ll hear the hoots and whistles and see the grimy hands reaching out to grab your ass, leering toothless mastodons making kissy-face at you, the nauseatingly horrifying amorous advances of drooling tattooed sociopaths ready to split your rectum open like they’re deboning a chicken. Your anus will pucker in terrified self-defense.

    Your cellmate will be a seven-foot-tall tobacco farmer/smalltime burglar named “Bubba,” a gentle soul except when it comes to matters of the flesh. He will murder your manhood. The things he’ll force you to do are degrading, humiliating, and you’ll probably never come close to recovering psychologically from them, but you can at least comfort yourself knowing that it’ll never hurt as much as it did the first time. It’ll still hurt, don’t get me wrong—it’ll hurt BAD—just not as much as the first time. And probably not nearly as bad as during the first few weeks when the virgin wounds are still fresh. But you’ll get over it, and you’ll learn to fold Daddy Bubba’s sheets and do his laundry and sweep the floor and clean the toilet just the way he likes it, and if he isn’t in too bad a mood, he might wait a few more days before he sells your ass for a cigarette to the Samoan twins down the block.

    Every day will bring another punch to your jaw from another psychotic lifer, and you’ll get used to picking up your teeth from the shower-room floor like so many bloody Chiclets. To make the predators leave you alone, you’ll probably have to sharpen a pork-chop bone and stab someone under the armpit with it, and while the air’s hissing out of his lung and he falls to the ground gasping for mercy, you’ll shout, “OK? Anybody ELSE want some? No? NO? Didn’t THINK so.”

    You’ll have to pull a stunt like that within the first few hours, or else they’ll think you’re a punk and bum-rush you, hanging a sheet in front of your cell bars and pulling a “train” on your swollen, infected ass, shooting AIDS-laden cum into every hole in your body, taking their dicks out of your mouth long enough to punch you again, calling you their bitch and smearing food coloring from Peanut M&Ms on your lips and eyelids and saying it’s “makeup.”

59. 59. Brad - February 17th, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    very_dumb_sod:

    Just tie a nice cardigan sweater around your waste. No one will be none the wiser of your derriere situation. Good luck!

60. 60. NikPG - March 11th, 2008 at 4:37 am

    This is the best list to discourage people from committing crimes (or at least getting caught).
    Any which ways Jamie wins hands down!! Great List and even greater comments (some of them at least)

61. 61. jdog - March 19th, 2008 at 5:44 am

    hey i must say that out of all ur key factors in ur 1 to 10 guide there about spot on alot of my mates did time b4 i was lookin at time,and aged between 20 and 40 they all said the same. On the other hand kimba that is some of the funniest shit i eva heard i literally laughed so hard i cried that was ace!

62. 62. cyberfreak77 - March 23rd, 2008 at 5:26 am

    @jfrater:
    This is a really awesome website and I enjoyed to read this list especially. Because english isn´t my mothers tongue it took me a lot of time but couldn´t stop until I red every comment anyway. In fact that about 1% of the US citizens are jailed your tips may be a needful service, too.
    @58 Kimba:
    You should have red the 2nd comment before posting this….
    @50 very_dumb_sod:
    The best way to conceal your ass is sleeping with your backside to the wall…

63. 63. rincewind - April 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    this list will keep the average person alive trust me i have been an officer of the uk prison service for twenty years so i speak from some experince DO NOT get in debt to anyone do your own time no one elses prison makes good people bad and bad people worse respect other inmates but DO NOT get yourself in a situation where you owe someone something to anyone not only will you lose respect of other prisoners the officers will take longer to get to you WHEN and you will get into trouble if you get convicted of a sex crime go for protective custody because if you dont you will not see the outside wall in one peice if they dont get we will we hate rapists and kiddie fiddlers too

64. 64. 666 - April 1st, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    rincewind,

    One word: comma

65. 65. Gay Boi - April 3rd, 2008 at 3:05 am

    I really hate to admit, (and I do not mean any offence to victims of sex abuse/rape) but since I was in my early teens, I have always fantasized about being gang-raped in prison. But then again I know in my heart that I wouldn’t survive the real deal.

66. 66. Yourtaintedmemory666 - April 16th, 2008 at 9:33 am

    Kimba did you happen to read the rest of that article?

67. 67. joojoo - April 25th, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Being in war is like committing a crime.. it is better not to start a war in first place … THINK THINK THINK…

68. 68. Don Bee - May 3rd, 2008 at 12:55 am

    If you are above average in intelligence or education, don’t show it in any way. Lack of intelligence or poor educational opportunities often bring out jealousy in sub-human mentalities. Wait, wait, wait until you get to know some other above average intelligence people in prison. Don’t answer out loud any of the questions on the TV game shows in the presence of others.

    If you have no life insurance or someone on the outside is not paying your premiums, the easiest way to commit suicide is tying a medium sized plastic bag (check for pre-punched holes) around your head/neck when you go to bed at night. Painless. Clean. Empty your bladder and take a good poop before going to bed. You might get some emetic from the doc a couple days beforehand. Tell them you are constipated. Have some consideration for your cellmate.

69. 69. Cerberus - May 24th, 2008 at 6:10 am

    They have an old saying, I learned when I was young: “Don’t pull the crime if you can’t do the time.”
    The problem with most prisoners is education, or a lack thereof. Get odd grades in high school, go to college, if you don’t have the money, be really smart and get a scholarship, or do grand and loans. Make something of your life instead of waste it

70. 70. Cerberus - May 24th, 2008 at 6:13 am

    They have an old saying, I learned when I was young: “Don’t pull the crime if you can’t do the time.”
    The problem with most prisoners is education, or a lack thereof. Get good grades in high school, go to college, if you don’t have the money, be really smart and get a scholarship, or do grants and loans and work on the side. Make something of your life instead of wasting it. America has the second largest prison population on earth. Why? Why?…

71. 71. Taija - May 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    I haven’t ever wanted to not to go to prison this badly before. :p

72. 72. ABKG - May 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    Is it true that the reason why those people with sex-related crimes get the worst time in prison (if they are found out) is because other prisonmates might have been victims of a sex-related crime when they were young?

    Someone told me this, and I wonder if it is true…

73. 73. rushfan - June 16th, 2008 at 5:51 am

    I used to work in the infirmary at a prison. I had to get used to seeing guys being strip searched on a regular basis. It amazed me how these guys just seemed to accept their fate and release any sense of modesty. Crap in public. Shower in public. I could never do that.
    And some guards were such a-holes on a power trip.

74. 74. ksiegel - June 16th, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    Tricks learned at L.A. County Jail that came in handy later on: 1. Using your sneaker tip as an eraser when you were writing home with an pencil and made a mistake. I saw one inmate take her sneaker off and use it to erase a mistake. 2. Taking an elastic piece from the inmate pants and use it to deftly remove any chin and eyebrow hairs from your face and body. 3. Take the Kotex napkins they give you and break them open and mix toothpaste and soap scraps and then cover up the loud air conditioning grid so it doesn’t make so much noise and you sleep better. It hardens into a paste and does the trick. 4. Make Kotex Tampons by opening kotex they give you and rolling it into a cigar like thing and using it that way. 5. Learn how to read palms and tell the future because that is what got Blondie thru her ordeal, she read about 500 different palms and got good at it. 6. Offer non sexual back rubs as inmates are playing spades or sitting around the tables. 7. Show inmates your yoga and how you can roll up into a ball and twist yourself into a pretzel. 8. When you are talking on payphone, and want a three way connection, blow into phone while other person is connecting you to third party. 9. Take the juice/milk carton and make dice by deftly folding the ends together and making the dots. 10. To break the boredom make your county jail sneakers into “sliders” by putting your feet on top on shoes and sticking your heel far into the back part of show and you can skate around and have a real fun time!

75. 75. ksiegel - June 16th, 2008 at 8:58 pm

    …I meant part of the shoe and you can sake around and have a fun time!

76. 76. Boppy - June 29th, 2008 at 11:44 am

    As someone who has spent years in jail, this list sounds a bit far fetched. I imagine UK female prisons are considerably better than USA male jails. I think I broke all these rules and I turned out just fine…..!

77. 77. Ironman - July 18th, 2008 at 11:35 am

    heres real advice-
    kick someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch
    then it should be all right

78. 78. eire32 - July 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Loads of my friends have been to prison and are still in prison doing big stretches and de big difference between u.s. jails and irish jails is in ireland rape is despised and anybody who has did it are the main targets nobody gets raped in irish prisons and once you know somebody in there and u stick wit them you’ll be cool and dont walk in tryin to be tough cos you’ll be sliced up along wit de rapists and de child molesters and wit anybody who owes money

79. 79. TheTRUTH - August 11th, 2008 at 3:30 am

    I served 1 month in youth prison in 2 different youth jails (Ontario, Canada) when i was 16. I can confirm that 90% of this list would have been useless in my situation. That is the thing though, every prison is different and every country’s prisons are different. My experience is pretty much a mix of both best case scenario and worst case scenario. Just so you know I am not making this shit up the 2 institutions were “Tyak” which is now closed ( it was an older adult jail used to house youths ) & another fairly new prison called “Brookside”. One important thing to remember is prison and a “bullpen” (where you go in the courthouse before being sent to shitland) are 2 very different experiences. Another thing to remember is if you have lots of money , your golden. I’m starting to rant here so ill just explain the difference between my experience at each prison and provide you with a list of things to remember (dont forget laws are different everywhere ect ect so they may not all apply to you). Ok lets start with the good and end with the bad - Tyac was in essence exactly the same as brookside as far as the way they operated. brookside however had detached ranges whereas in tyac they were all in the same building. The big difference however was that in brookside everyone was mixed together excluding the range for the worst inmates(sent their for bad repeat bad behavior. Tyac however, and i know I’m going to sound racist here.. had 3 ranges that were all african american and 1 range for everyone else (my range). Tyac was like a crime school where everyone swapped numbers ect, whereas brookside was in comparison more of a Vietnamese torture camp. Once in brookside all i wanted was to go back to tyac. Most of my time in brookside was spent thinking of the many ways i could murder/torture anyone affiliated with sending me there. The 1 positive thing was that there was absolutly 0 homosexual activity in either of these prisons. The closest thing to it was inmates calling eachother “gay” or “fag”. To sum it up, your experience can either be a cakewalk or it could be living hell, it all depends on where you are located and whether its a youth or an adult prison.
    Things to remember
    1) If you got cash you can usually post bail and get out.
    2) The difference between appointed lawyers and hired ones is not dissimilar to going to war with a Y-branch vs going to war with a laser guided missile launcher.(99.9% of the time, the dude with the Y-branch is in the sense of the word “fucked”)
    3)There are 2 different kinds of prisoners : the ones that care and the ones that don’t, generally the ones that dont care are in there for long stretches and therefore have no reason to fear further charges and time b/c they are stuck there probably for life.
    4)If someone who doesn’t care wants your lunch/shoes/shoelaces/shirt/pants/golden teeth ect. w/e trust me, no amount of respect/not making eye contact is going to stop them from fighting you for it. They take what they please. (once again im not talking out of my ass, i was attacked for a samwich i would not surrender and subsiquently attacked by the guys friends once i got him to the floor pinned(so dont think fighting fair is going to save you), and also the same guy I pinned attacked a very quiet peaceful chinese kid, you guessed it, he wanted his shoes (this was after my incident with him which resulted in being maced and chained to a pipe in the hallway. I was lucky with 1 bump on my noggin, but the chinese kid was wheeled out on a stretcher after having his head bashed of the wall and floor.
    5) Alot of the inmates love to hide, carrie, and brandish their “shanks” aka sharpened toothbrush’s ect so be aware of that. ( i cant put into words how scary it is hearing the guy in the cell next door sharpening something metal on metal )
    If there was ever a time i wanted to behead a justice of the peace(aka judge in canada) after a long week of torture , that was it.
    6) Never ever , ever ,ever , ever ,ever ,ever ,ever ,ever ,ever ,ever ,ever expect to be protected by the guards from anything. I am a firm believer that any trained species of greater ape could do a better job then the guards/people running the place, and that is not in any way a joke.
    7) number 2 and number 10 on this list absolutely do not work together , the first thing someoen will ask you, asuming its not gimmy your shoelaces or im gonna stab you. Is what are you in for ? or what are your charges, if you deviate or do not address their question its likely that will be taken as a sign of disrespect and you could be attacked.
    Don’t ever press charges on someone who has attacked you, you will likely be stabbed. Even the officer that has to come down from the station after an attack will warn you of that.(as he did to me)
    9) all this applies for general pop. not PC (protective custody), if you dont want to have to deal with any of this crap ,you must get transfered to PC….they do not always do this per request because PC prisoners take more time and effort to take care of so they dont exactly want more of them to babysit. However if your request to be transfer into protective custody fails, you have 3 options :a) wait until you get into a fight in which case they are forced to put you in pc if you ask, b) injure/cut yourself and go to the guards and say it was another prisoner but dont say who(you could lie and pick a random person to blame but pc is not 100% so there are still ways that person could get to you, and they prolly wont be happy) if your can hurt yourself bad enough so that they are forced to send you to the infirmary, your golden. (in the movie “chopper” an inmate in australia cuts of his ears in order to achieve basically the same thing) and option C which is probably the easiest - throw a temper tantrum which includes using urine/feces as a projectile, you wont be put in PC but will be put in solitary as a punishment. When they try to move you out of solitary, because they need the space to punish other prisoners who have been fighting/stabbing simply urinate under the door crack or throw your feces through the food slot in order to get an extended stay. FYI i was send to prison for defending myself after being assaulted (if the witness’s are not on your side when the cops arrive, you are royally fucked my friend even if you were simply defending yourself or someone else under attack)
    I guess the only other thing i would like to add is that when i entered this experience i was pretty much the most docile person you would ever meet , now i see a beheading video online and all i can think about is doing that to all the people involved in sending me to brookside after a long torture session. And trust me, i know how dispickable, horrible and wrong in every sense of the word that is. 1 last thing, the water in prison had a taste, the only way i can describe it is it tasted like overchlorinated swimming pool water.

80. 80. Brandon - August 23rd, 2008 at 9:49 pm

    My question is this. I am facing six months in County Jail for DUID (Colorado) I have a ton of health problems and require many medications, blood tests, ect… (Heart Transplant, Heart Faliure, Had Cancer,) What can I expect in terms on a “Medical Wing” or protective custody. Thanks.

    Also this looks really standard, mostly common sense really.

81. 81. piggie - August 25th, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    very good advice i did 16yrs in state prison i went in at age 23 and got out at 39yr old,ive seen a lot of shit happen in prison and i did a lot of stupid shit there two,think of prison as a very big zoo,your the animal and the cos are the keepers its survival of the fittest in there,the only thing prison taught me was to be a better criminal,and im just a victim of my envirment.

82. 82. Rits - August 26th, 2008 at 4:14 am

    Interestingly, with a few minor changes here and there, the list applies to many other places also.

83. 83. BadGirl - August 27th, 2008 at 5:46 am

    As someone who has actually been to prison I would say this is a pretty good guide. In fact when people ask me what I learned from prison I always reply “How to sit in a room with 500 people and not catch anyone’s eye, not even once”.

84. 84. Sporte1111 - August 29th, 2008 at 2:38 am

    I was in Cleveland city jail for a few days, a couple of time when I was a kid. Then I spent about a year in Topeka Kansas county jail when I was around 18 years old. I decided to quit doing drugs and get a job and work after that, then back in 2001 I decided to start getting high again and became a Meth addict. I blew my life savings about $700,000, lost my house and new truck on that and I got arrested and charged with, Mfg.W/I/ to sell and selling stolen bulldozers and other various stuff. I got a good attorney and got drug court. During drug court I had to do a little more time in Thurston county jail here in WA. To me jail is a very boring place and the other people in there were even more boring. AS far as how to act to stay safe I would have to say that in my opinion the people that came in talking a lot of shit just rubbed other inmates the wrong way and got into fights with them and some of the fights I seen were pretty brutal.I personally did not feel threatened just very board I also slept a lot from what I can remember the big excitement for the day was breakfast, lunch,and dinner. I never encountered anybody that tried to rape me. I just thought if somebody was going to try something that friekin stupid that it would be a fight to the death, and god help them if I ended up on top of them beating them down, cuz I probably would not have stopped until they had a whole bunch beating done to them.

85. 85. rincewind - September 6th, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    hey 666 is that the best you can do is critise my grammer i may not be the most educted man in the world but like i said i have been a prison officer for a long time for any one going to prison try reading the book i worked with this man what he has to say is the how it is for us http://www.ronniethompson.co.uk/

86. 86. Grimm - September 9th, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    666, don’t think he’string to generally critisze what you have to say, ut tell you to use commas and erods and other puncuation so that is easier for ust to understand what you’re point that you’re trying to get across better. Not trying toi citisize the ont that you were trying tomake itself.

    As for my opinion on the list, it SEEMS good, but I wouldn’t know. I’ve never spent ANY time in jail,prison,correctional facilities, etc. And I’ve never been to one for any reason. I just searched up tips on prison survival partially out of curiosity and partially out of fear that one day, maybe something might go wrong and I might get thrown in there unjustly or something… I dunno. Just in case of ome of the wrst case scenarios, you know? Anyway, I’ll keep that advice in mind just in case cause it seems like useful advice to use if it’s necessary.

87. 87. Grimm - September 9th, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    *edit:

    I’m sorry, I meant to say that to rincewind, not 666.

    MY bad.

88. 88. Grimm - September 9th, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    *edit, again: he’string= He’s trying

    Critisize= criticize

    ut= just

    erods= periods

    ust=just

    toi= to

    ont- one

    citicize= critcize

    tomake= to make

    me= some

    wrst= worst

    Sorry for the spelling errors. This thing is slow to read the shit I’m typing for some reason.

89. 89. Jack Long - October 28th, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    This list is bullshit here is my list that Actually works

    1. Get involved with punks

    I am not talking about guys with spiked hair - I am talking about guys who become other guys’ “girlfriends” - usually for protection.

    2. Discuss your crime

    This rule applies especially in cases of sexual crimes. It will also help if you crime involves children.

    3. Get involved in gambling

    This is a great way to pass the time, also you can earn heaps of money from the other prisons.

    4. Collaborate with the guards against other prisoners

    5. Become indebted to anyone

    When you first arrive, other prisoners will offer to lend you things until you get on your feet - cigarettes for example. They will offer you a pack in exchange for two later. Absolutely do accept this offer, it is the best way to get free cigaretts! and there is nothing they can do about it because your both in prison!

    6. Stare at another prisoners

    Staring will show you are stong, hold the start till they back off. If they don’t you need to up the anti. Spit in there face. If they try to get voilent slap them. failing that run to the prison guards.

    7. Use drugs

    Drugs are readily accessible and they may make your time seem less painful.

    8. Strength

    This wasts time and will make you look gay. If you want to be tough get as many tatoos as possible. Make shour you show your touch, if they are muslim (terroist) use there koran as toilet paper this will show them also the same goes for other relogions.

    9. Talking

    Tell other prisoners about your private life. Discuss your crimes and do discuss politics or religion. Put your business out onto the street. At the same time, DO NOT respect other prisoner’s privacy and you should pry into their private lives. try cracking a few jokes which call into question their sexuality or the chastity of their mothers. Everyone will share a good laugh, and at the end of the day you may have just made a few new friends!

    Misc Tips

    DO have somebody beat you up before you go to prison. The first day is the hardest if you have a pretty face (like mine if I do say so myself). Black eyes, bruises, and cuts are your friend. If you want to go more extreme you can try open flames or chemical burns but this risks permanent facial damage (stay away from the eyes).

    Sing, Sing as load as you can, this will chear you up and the other prisons will love it. Sing all night long until 7am the next morning. they wont openly show they they like it but inside they do!

90. 90. John - November 13th, 2008 at 6:49 am

    Not a bad list. Also should mention on the gambling part that, the problem is not only losing, cause if you have the cash you pay. But if you win and the person doesn´t then that puts you on the spot to collect. And collect you must! If not you´re weak and…..you get my drift. Another thing. As you arrive people will act friendly to feel you. And based on how you carry yourself will determine whether you´ll be left alone or not. ALWAYS act as if you don´t care about being there, life in general. I used to comment that I´d stab the eyes out of a person fucking with me so as not to kill him but to remember me for the rest of his life. Promise that I would have done it too, as at the time life or death really didn´t mean shit to me, but thank God that wasn´t necessary.

91. 91. statelifer - November 17th, 2008 at 7:31 am

    i spent one year in county,5 years down state, i get senteced on 12/8 i will probally go down state for 3 yrs or so this list is right about some shit wrong bout others county were im from aint shit no homo shit, no fights, cos r gay as fuck they treat u like a kid, down state life is way better than county(life isnt good in prison) but down state u stay away from guards they stay away from u, get high, might as well, just stop about 30-45 days before parole(piss test to get released)most prisons now a days showers r single booths. if you need info post shit i will respond
    Erie County Prison 357 days
    SCI Camp Hill(state)30 days
    SCI Somerset (state)3 1/2 years
    SCI Retreat (state)1 1/2 years

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