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99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work

Everyone needs a bit of extra time of occasionally, and all manner of outlandish excuses are given. Here is a list of 99 (mostly funny) excuses for getting out of work.

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1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

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6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I’m arranging financing for a house.

21. I’m arranging financing for a car.

22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

Student Work3

23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.

26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

29. My back aches.

30. My stomach aches.

31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

32. My biological clock is ticking.

33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

43. I think I left the iron on.

44. I think I left the water on.

45. I think I left the refrigerator on.

46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

49. I have to have my waistband let out.

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50. I have to have my watchband let out.

51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.

52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

55. I’m having a root canal.

56. I’m having a tax audit.

57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.

61. I have to renew my driver’s license.

62. I have to get new license plates.

63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.

64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.

65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.

66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!

67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

Farm Work

71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.

72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.

73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

74. I need to give blood.

75. I need to give evidence.

76. I need to give up.

77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.

78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.

79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.

82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

83. I’m having my nails done.

84. I’m having my colors done.

85. I’m having my head examined.

86. I’m going to the bank.

87. I’m going to sleep.

88. I’m going over the edge.

89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

93. I need to check into a rest home.

94. I’m breaking in my shoes.

95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.

96. I’m breaking out.

97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

98. I have to pick out a car.

99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

Source: Here

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Listverse Staff

Listverse is a place for explorers. Together we seek out the most fascinating and rare gems of human knowledge. Three or more fact-packed lists daily.

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  • dalandzadgad

    sweet. i’m using number 48.

  • dal: haha

  • Kwame

    This list reminds me how insanely lucky I am to have a job that only requires me to call and say, “Yeah, uh. I’m not coming in today.”

  • The fate of humanity rests in the hands of The Master Chief, and his fate, rests in my hands.

    yea, thats the excuse i used all last week to do nothing.

  • Kawme: in my previous job that is what I did – the best rule is to simply say you are not coming in and don’t give excuses. A decent boss appreciates that you obviously need the time off and doesn’t need to query.

    steve: I hope your boss doesn’t read this site :) And – wow – he bought that? :)

  • well, i’m still in college, and my boss was really my teachers and they accepted the excuse.

    my boss laughed, and said, whatever, you’re not gonna get paid then.

  • Prozacsoldier

    I’m gonna start using num 92 is the best!

  • prozacsoldier: heh – good luck with that :)

  • warren

    #70 is good.

    W

  • warren: I am impressed that anyone recognizes that quote :)

  • Kelsi

    How about, ‘I have mono so I need to go home and sleep.’

    I used that one for a while this summer…but then again I actually did have mono.

  • Kelsi: You need to watch the Brett Easton Ellis film “The Rules of Attraction” :)

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  • Dave

    I emailed this list to my supervisor. Shes enjoying it lol

  • Dave

    I called in for the last day at my previous job. The excuse I used was “I cant come in today…Iam being chased by zombies and I dont want to lead them to the store.”

    I didnt like my last job to much

  • Mathilda

    How to leave early and come in late….

    Make sure you are talking to someone else (like your boss) and then suddenly look at your watch and say “Oh my God! I’m late!” and leave for the day. They will assume that you have an appointment and hopefully by the next day forget to ask exactly what KIND of appointment!

    Or (and this has allegedly really been done), make friends with someone in your building but on a different floor and different company. Leave overcoat, umbrella, and briefcase in THEIR office, fill up your coffee cup and grab a manila folder, and casually stroll upstairs to your office. People will assume that you’ve been in a meeting. Repeat process in reverse in evening.

    Set PC to automatically power up and down at certain times; people will think that you’re at work since your PC is on. Also, most voice mail systems will allow you to leave messages on other mailboxes after checking your messages; said messages will be identified as coming from your extension even if you are actually calling from outside the company. :)

  • Diogenes

    You’ve done these before Mathilda..be honest. I can tell — the details are just too spot on. Brilliantly mischievous!

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  • Mathilda

    Diogenes Who me? :) A former boss actually taught me the voice mail trick; it worked better before everyone had mobile phones and Blackberries. Back in the 8-5 standard corporate days, most of the company did not understand why IT people would want to leave work a few hours early just because we’d already put in three 14 hour days in a row! As long as he knew we were gone, and no one outside of our department figured it out, he was fine with it. Ahhh, nothing can make or break a job like a great or a horrible boss.

  • Mathilda: fantastic suggestions! That has brought a nice smile to my face!

  • Mezza .k

    yeh i culd ring up my frds B4 skool as an excuse.. “sorry, zombies r chasing me and if i go to skool, they’ll kill every1, then every1 will b zombies and then Ill be in trouble” lol

  • They firgot ” I have to return some videotapes” – Patrick Bateman

  • Fioma: brilliant – I love that film.

  • Gravy

    How about:

    I have to save the president in the French Alps.

    Thats the one I use when someone asks why I was gone.

  • dgsweeney

    My mongoose has hepatitis. (Woody Allen, I think.)

  • Mystern

    What’s interesting is that I could actually get away with most of these at my job. Then again, as long as I hit 40 my boss doesn’t care when I work.
    I think today I’ll use number 82

  • miss_ali1984

    I’ve used #66 on many occasions. But it just gets you fired.

  • albert0

    I am my own boss!!! How cool is that? It means that I can choose how much I work.

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  • Mortivore

    Yeah, I would always use the same excuse to get outta work. “My dog died.” They never stopped to think that WAY too many dogs have “died” to be a coincidence. :D

  • hannnah

    hi htis hannah i love this site im sure im not the only one right anyway yall rock

    love,
    hannah

  • dzmay

    My son told me that his best friend’s uncle Larry had never taken a sick day in his life. But when he finally wanted some time off, he called his supervisor and said, “My ovaries hurt.”

  • Schuttel

    this is a great site and a lot of fun,
    keep doing the good work!!!!

  • Anon E. Mouse

    Heh… Number 57. ‘Cept it should be a zoophilic sadomasochistic necrophiliac. Cause then that would be beating off a dead horse. Oh, I crack myself up.

    Wish I could use these. But the military wants you to go and PROVE that you’re sick before they’ll let you off at all.

  • fleabitn

    “I feel too good to come into work today.”

  • Xthye

    16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. kid and vet? hahahhahaha

  • Lucy =]

    “My keys and purse, i left them in my dads car, his left for work, and his also left his mobile here, he works as a lorry driver, so i have no keys to drive, lock up or my work key to get in, or money to catch a bus…..”

    thar can work well!!!!!!!!

  • haze

    I got sprayed by a skunk!
    It’s so random and pitiful they’d have to believe you. I mean who’d want you to come then? “60 percent of the time it works everytime”- Anchorman

  • chocolate

    Use “Who are you again?”

  • dick

    act like your hung over and say to your boss will you marry me

  • Hollz

    #57
    I wonder what the boss would say if they heard that excuse..

    And how long they’d be making you see an on-site psychiatrist or something like that..

    Or how quickly you’d get fired and escourted off the premises by two rather large sercurity guards XD

  • hantamouth

    here’s mine:

    I have a job interview.

  • Jozef

    I dont know if you did this one allready
    but Jfrater should do a list of ten things you shouldn’t
    say while having sex with your girlfriend
    ( Starting with “Hey you have the same bra as your mother.)

    Ps: Sorry if there are any spellings wrong , but im from belgium.

  • like_aflower

    Funny… I’m using #86 today! Not very original but, at least it’s believable!

  • jmount43

    How about “I can’t come into work today because I have anal glaucoma. I can’t see my ass coming to work.”

  • GardenStater

    I know a woman who used to call in with things like:

    I can’t come in–I’ve got the bends.

    I can’t come in–I’ve got scoliosis.

    I can’t come in–I’ve got the rickets.

    (Best one:)

    I can’t come in–I’ve got lycanthropy.

  • idontknowwhattowrite

    heres one: on my way to work i got pulled over for speeding, i had forgot my lisence at home, then i got mad at the cop and sprayed him with pepper spray. stupid PMS. As long as it has PMS in it, you act real moody, and its near enough to your period, it works on male bosses and some female bosses. (WARNING: DO NOT TRY IF A DUDE)

  • The one excuse that has always worked for me is "I have diarrhea". What boss would expect you to come to work under those circumstances?

  • whatashit

    what a estupidity in sintexis foto

  • Lloyd

    Why is number 89 a lame excuse if someone is really dying?

  • ken

    Why would you skipping out of work if you could stay in the office and surf through listverse !!

  • big balls

    all 99 of theses are really bad like seriously no one would be stupid enough to believe them

  • Ris

    One of my coworkers called of saying she alchol poisoning but she up for her shift looking very sober

  • John from Omaha

    What’s wrong with Omaha?

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  • Katie

    They are good I even tried one on my boss he believed me and I got of work bonus

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  • robotica

    91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
    i love this, LMAO

  • jebus

    lame

    • abcdefghijklmnopqruvwxyz

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      ur comment is mental :P

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