Top 10 Volatile Vagrants

“There by the grace of God go I”: Prophetic words that represent the fragile and the most vulnerable.

There is a true distinction between a homeless individual and a “bum.” Never mistake one for being the same as the other. The former are down on their luck and need a helping hand, whereas the latter have not only lost their way but, in come cases, the ability to distinguish between right and wrong. The following ten entries examine real-life stories involving vagrants so preposterous that they can only be envisioned on the silver screen.

10 Leniency vs. Rule Of Law

Few would expect the view at Cooper Union’s $111 million academic building to be where a motley crew of vagrants congregate daily, conducting drug deals amid a sea of children who attend Preschool of the Arts, located in the building. However, that was exactly the case in 2015.

In addition to drugs, public intoxication, urination, defecation, and masturbation in broad daylight were rampant. According to a Cooper Union professor, “These conditions are unsavory, at best—particularly when you’re looking out your window in the morning and see something like a drug deal happening. Or when you’re sitting in a classroom and someone urinates right in front of you.” When confronted by reporters, nine drifters hurled saliva, food, and insults. One professed, “I was going to chase him down and beat the sh—t out of him. If I ever see you or that photographer again, I’ll kick the sh—t out of you.”^[1]

Many New Yorkers laid the blame on Mayor Bill de Blasio for his leniency toward homeless panhandlers. “Because of him, nobody bothers me,” said Phil Zasel, 63. “It’s better out here now. It’s the best time to be homeless.” Meanwhile, the spectacle has outraged local residents, who are fed up with the mayor’s indulgent tactics. “This is disgusting. There’s no excuse for this. I’ve lived in Harlem all my life, and I’m sick and tired of this,” said a local community activist.

9 A Hidden Compartment

Neil Lansing, a 33-year-old homeless man, was sent to jail after appearing before a Florida judge on undisclosed charges in 2011. Following his booking into the Sarasota County jail, corrections deputies conducted a routine search of his cell and noticed a foreign item dangling from Lansing’s rectum. Given the revolting obligation to investigate the inmate’s uncomfortable, odorous accessory, officers removed a condom that contained 30 intriguing items.^[2]

Surprisingly, Lansing managed to stuff himself like a turkey, packing in a total of 17 round blue pills, six matches, a cigarette, one flint, a lip balm container, one additional unused condom for backup, a paper coupon, a CVS pharmacy receipt, and one empty syringe, with an eraser over the tip for safety, of course. It is highly unlikely that Lansing will be allowed to retrieve his cherished belongings following his release. Nonetheless, the homeless Houdini was given additional charges of possessing drug and a tobacco products inside the jail.

8 Inappropriate Selfies

The last thing a local 73-year-old Floridian real estate agent ever expected to receive was a barrage of explicit photos and sexual text messages from a 48-year-old homeless man in 2017. How Reginald Bernard Nelson acquired a cell phone in the first place is not known. Nonetheless, he was charged with sending the graphic images and was also connected to 21 similar cases that had been investigated by the Gulfport Police, Clearwater Police, and Treasure Island Police in the Sunshine State.^[3]

In a fitting end to a string of implausible attempts to find romance, Nelson’s photography skills came to a crashing close in a parking lot. Nelson consequently admitted that he had specifically sought out realtors in local ads in an attempt to flaunt what he assumed would be a well-received and enticing array of self-expressive photographs. In reality, the resourceful Don Juan was arrested and charged with felony cyber stalking following a lengthy investigation.

7 When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

In 2015, a New York man by the name of Paul Kellogg earned quite the reputation in Manhattan’s elite Upper East Side. In addition to waking up an entire block in the wee hours of the morning howling, “F—k you, richie! F—k you, richie!” Kellogg has made it a point to use multimillion-dollar homes and buildings as his personal port-a-potties. Relieving himself at all hours of the day caught the attention of former mayor Rudy Giuliani, who has filed numerous complaints with police. He stated, “I myself, two weeks ago, had to go to a precinct to complain about a homeless person who was defecating and urinating. Do you know when people lived on the streets and didn’t use bathrooms inside? It’s called the Dark Ages.”

Unfortunately for Giuliani, his complaints fell on deaf ears, prompting a bitter feud between the ex-mayor and the police department, whom Giuliani has advised to “be more aggressive with quality-of-life offenses.” New York’s current mayor, Bill de Blasio, has also come under harsh criticism for his leadership—or lack thereof—when confronting the growing number of homeless around the city. When asked about de Blasio convening a task force to discuss quality-of-life problems in Times Square, Giuliani stated, “I didn’t need a task force. It was me and Bratton. My brain. His people.”^[4]

6 Man vs. Baby

In 2011, two parents in Sydney, Australia, were enjoying their day together at an outside cafe with their 16-month-old daughter when an unprovoked act of inconceivable brutality occurred. Around 11:30 AM, a 28-year-old homeless man casually approached the child’s buggy and did what most crazed lunatics with a troubled upbringing would do: He punched the baby in the face.

After the forceful blow, which resulted in a facial laceration, the brazen down-and-out bully ran from the scene in a pusillanimous fashion. As the child’s father gave chase, numerous bystanders alerted officers from the Sydney City Local Area Command, who found the temperamental vagrant hiding in a nearby building. Subsequent to his arrest, he was booked into the Day Street Police Station, where he was denied bail and charged with assault causing actual bodily harm.^[5]

The identity of the aspiring Rocky Balboa would later be revealed as Nicholas Troy Bolas. Records indicate that Bolas had numerous run-ins with law enforcement in the past, including a burglary where he stole a $2,500 LCD television, laptop computers, as well as the homeowner’s car, just to name a few items.

5 No Time Like The Present

In recent years, there has been a growing trend of vagrant masturbators displaying their skills in public settings. The serial wankers are unashamed of their actions, and everyday citizens are often left conducting the policing. Such was the case in 2016, when Stephanie Pedersen was dismissed by police operators, who informed her that unless the revolting action was taking place at the time of an officer’s arrival, there was nothing that could be done. Thus, Ms. Pedersen took her frustrations to Facebook, posting a video of Loberc Pocolo, a barefoot New York pervert wearing a tarp, “enthusiastically humping” a Wi-Fi kiosk in broad daylight.

On the opposite side of the country, 49-year-old Aaron Edward Carter had the bright idea to walk into a Southern California Jack In The Box in the nude at 5:30 AM, solely to pleasure himself in front of three female employees in February 2018.

However, nothing can compare to the audacity of Kevin Jones, an Orlando, Florida, drifter who was found masturbating in the closet of a woman’s nursery while she was getting her three-month-old daughter ready for day care in December 2017. Fortunately, the woman’s fiance was happy to lay down a beating on Jones, who refused to leave, prompting the irate husband-to-be to search for a knife, finally causing the vagrant to flee. Upon Jones’s arrest, he denied all allegations of his actions, though he began to masturbate during the police interview at the Sheriff’s station.^[6]

4 ‘Wham, Wham, And Wham’

Hitchhiker Caleb Lawrence McGillvary became an Internet sensation in 2013 after he saved a woman’s life by “cleaving a man in the head, with a hatchet, after he had just hit someone with his car.” He has since fallen from grace after being accused of savagely murdering 73-year-old New Jersey lawyer Joseph Galfy Jr. While thousands of fans protested McGillvary’s incarceration, the details of Galfy’s brutal demise did not resonate well with locals, who opposed fundraisers for McGillvary’s legal defense. While authorities remain unclear of a motive, they believe Galfy—who was found severely beaten, dressed only in socks and underwear—had a sexual relationship with the drifter.

According to McGillivary’s parents, their son has spent years in hospitals and treatment homes and has struggled with behavioral problems. Regardless of the tough road that has befallen him, McGillivary has been held without bond ever since. He faces murder charges in the death of Galfy, though he claims he killed him in self-defense. All the while, a petition called “Free Kai Caleb Lawrence” has been created on Change.org.^[7]

3 Party Like A Rock Star

In 2012, the owners of a Phoenix, Arizona, rave venue and warehouse were startled upon discovering that a burglary had taken place. Even more unsettling was the fact that the perpetrator was still inside the building, blissfully blaring music as if he was the last man on Earth. When police arrived at the scene, they were appalled at the grotesque sight of their impudent intruder: a homeless man caked in animal entrails.

That man, later identified as 25-year-old Russell Christopher Hofstad, had the unscrupulous idea to feast on a cat for supper, only after skinning the animal and wearing the tail and intestines as a necklace. To make his appearance even more picturesque, Hofstad tapped into his inner warrior spirit and painted his face with the cat’s blood. What remained of the unsuspecting feline were the internal organs, which Hofstad placed on ice in a cooler beside bloody clippers and screwdrivers.

Detectives stated that at the time of his arrest, an inebriated Hofstad chose the non-vegan route of bludgeoning and stabbing the cat because “he had not eaten in several days.” In addition, he had planned to taxidermy the animal and use its skeleton as a “party decoration.” Despite his insatiable appetite and eccentric hobbies, Hofstad was sentenced to two years in prison, with four years of probation upon his release.^[8]

2 A Bump In The Night

All through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse—just a vagrant with a knack for hide-and-seek. At around 4:00 AM on June 12, 2014, police responded to a residential home in Fair Lawn, New Jersey, after a terrified mother called 911 reporting that she’d found a man armed with a knife hiding under her son’s bed.^[9]

When police arrived, they discovered 56-year-old drifter Kenneth Webb taking in the peaceful ambiance of the child’s bedroom floor. According to police, Webb—who had stolen a jewelry box and some change—had cut through a screen window to gain entry into the house. Fortunately for the mother, who in all probability soiled her shorts, her son and infant daughter were sleeping beside her in another room at the time their uninvited guest casually dropped by. In the end, Webb was booked into the Bergen County jail, held on $35,000 bail, and charged with two counts of burglary and unlawful possession of a weapon.

1 Winter Romance

In light of the season of giving, a Good Samaritan lent a listening ear to a homeless woman passing time in a Rite Aid store in December 2014. Their conversation entailed the trials and tribulations that the woman, referred to only as Jane Doe, had endured over the years. After learning that she was four months pregnant and had nowhere to sleep other than the cold Pittsburgh streets, the noble patron extended an invitation to her home for a warm meal. That evening, Jane Doe relished the rare opportunity of taking a hot shower as well as being given a clean set of clothes by the compassionate homeowner.

Unfortunately, the reciprocity for the Good Samaritan’s act of kindness took a bizarre turn at 3:00 AM, when she awoke to find that her pit bull was no longer in the bedroom. While searching for her four-legged friend, she stumbled upon the nauseating scene of Jane Doe making sweet passionate love to the dog. Evidently, the homeowner did not believe the act was consensual and thus demanded that her new promiscuous friend clean up and leave her home.

Unwilling to let go of newfound romance, Jane Doe became enraged and expressed her displeasure by throwing a 2.3-kilogram (5 lb) dumbbell through the woman’s glass storm door. The brokenhearted vagrant continued her tirade by shattering flower pots and garden lights before being arrested and charged with criminal mischief, defiant trespass, and, of course, sexual intercourse with an animal. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.^[10]

Adam is just a hubcap trying to hold on in the fast lane.