Top 10 Tips to Commit the Perfect Crime

Every year in virtually every country, crimes go unsolved – and sometimes undetected. When someone commits a crime of this type it is called a perfect crime. This is a list of ten tips to perpetrating the perfect crime. I am sure it doesn’t need to be said, this is not meant as a reference for criminals, but rather as an entertaining look at crime and detection.

1. DNA

DNA is the surest way to prove you committed a crime. It is absolute imperative that you do not leave ANY DNA behind you and that is very difficult. The best solution to this is to commit your crime in a place that is likely to have a lot of DNA from strangers. For example, a park, a mall, anywhere that a lot of people tend to gather. Finding your DNA will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

2. Relationship

The large number of crimes committed are committed by someone close to the victim. The police know this well and they know who to question. Your best bet here is to pick someone as random as the victim. This is especially true if murder is your crime of choice. Don’t be tempted to commit your crime against someone you only know in passing – it must be a total stranger.

3. Proximity

This ties in to point 2 – commit the crime in another town. You don’t want to travel so far that you can be connected because you took a trip – just far enough that you are outside of the main area of interest to the police. You also don’t want to be on the road for hours before the crime as you may become tired, or after the crime as you may still be on the streets when the big investigation begins.

4. Type of Crime

Chose your crime carefully. For example, you are almost certain to get caught if you try to rob a bank. Chose a crime that can be committed in the early hours of the morning or that can be done very discretely during the daytime.

5. Evidence

Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime – what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime. It doesn’t matter if the police know the crime happened. If your crime involves a gun or weapon of some kind, use it and drop it. Leave it at the scene. If you follow point 7 this will not be a problem. If you kill someone, leave the body there. Do not touch the body at all. Do not move the body and do not try to hide the body. And just in case you haven’t understood that last part – that includes using a vat of acid. If you have stolen something, you need to get rid of it as quickly as possible and if it is money, don’t start spending up large – you will draw attention to yourself.

6. Timing

Timing is everything. The best time to commit a crime is in the very early hours of the day when most people are asleep. If you do follow this instruction, remember that you need to look like you are not out of place on the street. That means no full face coverings. The selected time is important when you come to purchase your tools.

7. Tools

First off, you need good thick gloves. The thin ones are not good enough as they can split and it is possible to leave fingerprints if they are sufficiently thin. Do not use anything you own and do not buy brands you normally buy unless they are very generic brands. This means you need to go shopping. Shop out of town and shop in large department stores where you are less likely to be remembered. Remember: very common brands only. You must pay in cash and you must destroy any receipts, or shopping bags. After the crime is committed, destroy everything you bought as quickly as you can and don’t do it in an obvious way, like having a bonfire in your back yard when you have never done so before. Wait at least one month from buying your goods to committing your crime.

8. Alibi

It is wise to have an alibi – though not essential if you have followed all the other rules. It doesn’t hurt however. One way you can do this is to plan an out of town trip and book your hotel and rental car with your credit card. Sign up for a convention and attend. Try to use a hotel with no cameras. In the early hours travel to the place of your crime, commit it, and return. Enjoy the remainder of your holiday (on your credit card) and return home the next day.

9. The Getaway

If you are committing the crime in the early hours, the best mode of transport is by bike. This will enable you to get off the roads if you need and to travel quickly. You do not want to be seen on the street walking (remember, the Zodiac nearly got caught this way) and you don’t want to be the only car on the street at 2am! Take regular cycle clothes and wear them. In the case of murder, if you have dumped the murder weapon you should not need to worry about evidence if you do get picked up. Wear an iPod and maybe a fresh packet of cigarettes – you can always say you were out getting smokes as you couldn’t sleep.

10. Aftermath

First of all, do not watch the television and avoid the papers. The police can use these as tools to try to psych you out. Avoid these things for at least a month. Do not celebrate in any way – continue about your every day life. Do not brag about your crime to anyone (that includes posting here in the comments!)

One final tip: if you do get arrested, this does not mean you have failed to commit the perfect crime. If this happens, do not speak. The police need evidence to convict you – if you have done the job right, there won’t be any. Don’t help the police with testimony. Remember, the court needs to find you guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Oh – and if you do get convicted, you might want to read this article on the top 10 tips to surviving prison.

In case you are wondering how I know all this… re-read point 10! Okay, I am kidding. Really.

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