The Bible is full of many fascinating tales – many good, and some bizarre – here are the top 10 bizarre tales from the Bible.
10. A lesson for those who dare mock male pattern baldness
Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24
One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.
The moral of this story? Don’t make fun of bald people. Frankly, why this story isn’t included along with the Ten Commandments is anybody’s guess, but I think it would serve as an excellent lesson for children who think baldness is something to be made fun of.
9. Eglon’s ignoble death
Found in: Judges 3:21-25
Ehud is the Bible’s sneakiest assassin (and also the only left-handed person mentioned in the Holy Book). He is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to smarmy King Eglon. Ehud waltzes in to meet the gluttonous king, pulls out a sword and stabs Eglon in the stomach. At first he can’t get it in, but he pushes harder and eventually reaches his intestine. Eglon is so overweight, we learn, that his fat actually covers the hilt of the sword, pushing it further into his stomach until it’s not even visible. It’s at this point that Eglon loses control of his bowels and begins to defecate mercilessly all over his chamber. The King’s attendants eventually come back, but do not enter Eglon’s bed chamber, assuming he is relieving himself. After waiting “to the point of embarrassment”, his attendants burst in to find their king dead on the floor, covered in his own faecal matter. Meanwhile, Ehud had escaped to the town of Seriah.
The moral of this story? Who cares, but it’s damn cool.
8. Onan – cautious, yet foolish
Found in: Genesis 38:8-10
A story so eponymous, it gave way to its own neologism – onanism, an archaic term for masturbation. Basically, God kills Er. Why? We don’t really find out. However, in a stroke of good luck, Er’s father, Judah, has given you the right, nay the duty, to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.
The moral of this story? In the words of Monty Python, “Every sperm is sacred…”
7. A very disturbing tale
Found in: Judges 19:22-30
Within the Bible, one occasionally finds stories so horrible, one can wonder what their purpose is. Not only is this story utterly bizarre, but it is also absolutely disgusting. A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
The moral of this story? I would hope none.
6. A novel way to show your love
Found in: 1 Kings 18:25-27
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
The moral of this story? Never be ashamed to do crazy things for love.
5. Like slicing salami
Found in: Exodus 4:24-26
Continuing the Bible’s fascination with all things foreskin, we get the bizarre story of God trying to kill Moses because his son isn’t circumcised. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. “You are a bloody husband to me!” squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.
The moral of this story? Never turn down a woman for being a psycho. Someday she may save your life.
4. Jesus and the fig tree
Found in: Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14
So, Jesus is walking from Bethany and he’s feeling a bit peckish. He encounters a fig tree, but unfortunately it is barren as it’s the off season for figs. Annoyed, Jesus demands the fig tree bear him fruit, however the fig tree doesn’t respond (it’s a tree), so Jesus, in an act of uncharacteristic rashness, curses the fig tree to death. This story is bizarre for many reasons, but mainly for how little it means to the Jesus story and how Jesus seems to react so harshly. OK, so he’s hungry, and we all get a little cranky when hungry, but come on, the fig tree had done nothing wrong. This just seems like abuse of powers to me.
The moral of this story? I honestly can’t think of one. This story seems so unimportant and purposeless yet both Mark and Matthew mention it so it must have some importance. The best I can think of is: don’t disobey Jesus, even if you’re an inanimate tree.
3. Even God is proud of his backside
Found in: Exodus 33:23
It’s a big day for Moses. He’s finally going to meet God face to face and is giddy with anticipation. Soon the time comes and Moses positions himself on a rock ready to see the divine creator himself. But God backs out at the last minute claiming that no man can see his face and live. However, he has a solution. He will let Moses have a peek at his backside, “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Moses must be heartbroken. He was hoping to see God’s face not his bottom! Imagine explaining that to the wife: “Oh honey, did you see God’s face?” “Umm not quite…I got a great look at his ass though!” Moses most likely slept alone that night.
The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.
2. Balaam and his talking donkey
Found in: Numbers 22:28-30
Balaam is just minding his own business, spanking his ass (donkey) when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, “Because thou hast mocked me.” The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Oh yeah did I mention it was TALKING DONKEY?
The moral of this story? Don’t beat animals. If they could talk then they would probably tell you how upset they were.
1. Jacob and the case of the magical genetics
Found in: Genesis 30:37-39
And the most bizarre tale in the Bible goes too…this head-scratcher from Genesis, with its utterly bemusing explanation of the genetic code. Basically, Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan: he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle. What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young. Now, we’d all expect this idiotic plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about something or other, but no it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy. What on earth is going on here? Anyone with the most basic understanding of genetics knows that this is bunk. The odd thing is that this story seems to have no purpose and moral – it’s just there. And I can’t help wondering how many scientists with painted sticks had attempted to repeat this process before Mendel came along and said, “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to happen fellas, why don’t we try this instead?”
The moral of this story? Your guess is as good as mine.
Contributor: JT
As funny as the stories are, the SERIOUS comments are even funnier.
Haha, this list is awesome. Those stories are so damn wierd. For #4, whatever happened to Jesus being benevolant and loving?? Doesn't sound like a much of a saviour to me if he gets *****y over a fig tree!
The morals made me laugh, especially the "The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways" one!
just to help clear this up in case anyone is wondering…this one I can explain. First of all, the author of this sight is confused. In the biblical passage Jesus didn't order the fig tree to produce fruit. He saw the fig tree from afar and it looked like it had fruit on the tree so he went to get some. If he had ordered the fig tree to produce fruit it would have done so. When Jesus approached the tree and found that it did not in fact have fruit on it, he cursed it. The reason that Jesus cursed the fig tree is not because it didn't have fruit however. Jesus cursed the fig tree because it gave the appearance of producing fruit when it in fact did not. This is in fact a very common theme in the bible. The significance of this passage if you are a christian and believe such, is that as a christian is important to be producing fruit. And by fruit I mean spiritual and physical works. Acts such as evangelism, service, intercession, and worship. Saying you are a christian and not producing fruit is much the same as a tree looking like it has fruit but not baring any. This is the message that christ was trying to portray. More proof of this comes from John chapter 15 verses 1-6. I just thought Id help a few people understand this verse a little better. Hope it helps.
Cody, thank you so much, for a long time I looked for this explanation and you hit the nail on the head- thank you brother
Cody, are you seriously thinking that this was an explanation? it sounds more like what you think or what you have heard from a televangelist, if that was the moral of the story wasn’t Jesus as bright as you to be able to say these words? why can’t you admit it, the story is freakin weird and childish.
Alan, if you actually did some research on this, you would get it.
good reply on the fig tree.. but umm… there is still many other way crazier stories that need to be cleaned up. any reason u decided not to do so?
He cursed a fig tree that only had leaves on it, even though it was not the season for figs. That is irrational behaviour and there is no logical moral to this story.
Cody, that is trying to use this story to say something other than what Jesus said and did. At least as far as I can recall, Jesus didn’t say “I cursed this tree as an example of what I will do to Christians that don’t evangelize, etc” or anything close to that. But thanks for being willing to comment where you know people don’t share your view of the Bible. I can respect that. But please do try to be honest with yourself about the integrity of a God that would kill for no fault of the person being killed, or in this case, even the tree for not bearing fruit out of season, which would be, well… “unnatural.”
The fig tree was a symbol for the nation of Israel (c.f. Micah 4:4, Zechariah 3:10, etc.). Jesus calls Nathanael a “true Israelite” in John 1:47 because he saw him sitting under a fig tree (it was about more than just Jesus’ miraculous omniscience). So when Jesus curses the fig tree, it is a symbolic action of condemning the unbelief of the people. The LORD’s messiah has come to them and they have not believed in him. Look at the context in which this action occurs in Matthew 21. Jesus has just entered the city of Jerusalem to great shouts of acclamation, he goes to the temple and sees how it has been turned into a common marketplace. He drives to animals out of the temple courts (and the money changers too) but his actions are questioned by the chief priests and elders of the people. God’s people have failed to produce the fruit of the covenant and so the kingdom is going to be taken away from them and given to someone else (see the three parables in Matthew 21:28-22:14). Hope this helps clear things up.
Jesus cursed the fig tree to show to his disciples that FAITH can do ANYTHING. The author clearly hasn’t read The Bible and simply read a few verses upon the internet.
As for Moses seeing God. Again, the author clearly doesn’t read what The Bible says about God. God isn’t human and thus doesn’t have an ass. God doesn’t have a penis. God isn’t male or female but we refer to God as a “he” out of respect.
As for the talking donkey. Well God made humans talk didn’t he? He gave the ability for parrots to mimic us didn’t he? Well if God wanted to give the ability for a donkey to talk, he can. He did make the universe after all and thus, surely making a donkey talk isn’t an impossible task for him. What’s more ridiculous is the evolutionist’s belief that dinosaurs eventually evolved into monkeys which evolved into intelligent monkeys which could talk. The only way that evolution (ev-illusion) could be true is if God was trolling. I don’t see evolution being possible without supernatural help. It’s too flawed and there isn’t even a complete list of evolutionary fossils showing the evolutionary progress of ape to man.
Get your facts right next time atheists.
Farewell.
You’re telling me the bible may contain allegory? Get out of here! what’s the point of defending this nonsense?
BWAHAHAHA so you mean to say that calling someone a HE is more respectful than a SHE
Get your facts straight next time *****ist
Farewell
didnt god make humans in his own image? if so where did all the parts come from?
It seems that you discovered what many people already knew: the Old Testament is obsolete (that is why they called it the Old one)
90 per cent teachings are coming from the Bible and only 10 from Old Testament.
The fig tree story is indeed difficult to understand and your explanation is close enough to what i heard: Christ never harmed a person during His mission, but to show that He is God, Who can punish aswell as reward, He cursed the tree.
Good luck for those who study the Bible – the source of the inspiration for thousands of years! (and by Bible I mean New Testament)
Guess you all will find out the answers to these riddles when you're basking in the 7th circle of Dante's easy bake. Get's kinda muggy down there. Or enjoy skiing on the lake of fire. Wheeeee!
Don't forget to slather on some Coppertone! You won't want to let a little scorch ruin your fun!
Pagans!
You're an arse
Kids nowadays! that’s what you get when you let your children watch lords of the rings and Narnia, so basically bucslim, you are scared! its really bad when parents scare their kids like that, it stays with them their whole life. you should seek therapy when you get older, otherwise this hell thing will stay with you forever
What are you so afraid of in regards to someone believing in hell when you seem not to? Is it the possibility it may be real? or is it that you’re easily offended by people who don’t believe or think how you do? both, something else?
Hmmm, does somebody believes Dante’s Inferno is non-fiction? I bet you believe the Bible was dictated by God?
I am an extremely skilled onanite(?) and I have yet to go blind OR die. In your face, morality!
BLASPHEMY!!!….. INFIDEL!!!…
more?…
…wow, that’s all I can say. These are the stories that they don’t really teach their kids I guess…wow.
Most of these are just creepy. I guess that’s why none of them made it into children’s books, like Noah and the Ark.
that was UNREAL!!!
I have never laughed so hard.
Your explanations were SPOT on!
Not really, ha; I found it hilarious but I assumed the author was joking. The explanations are way off, completely missing the point of the stories.
The only reason you like this list is because, like the author, you clearly read none of the conveniently-linked passages. If you did, you would see that the author has posted explanations that are entirely inaccurate…sometimes the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the passage actually says.
I’ve read and compared all of them and the accounts above are accurate, if sometimes embellished or exaggerated. Not sure where you are getting “entirely inaccurate” or “exact opposite” from, unless you are reading a different version of the Bible to the one being referred to here.
Agreed! However, I think that 2 and 3 were exaggerated a bit much or they were just the most off. For instance, the donkey was female. And it is clear that Moses was not looking at the backside of God, just the back. Like the back of his head. That one was far too exaggerated for my tastes. Otherwise, this is probably one of the best lists of odd bible tales.
he doesn’t provide explanations, he seems to be as mystified by these bizarre stories as I am. Defending this crazy nonsense makes you seem like a crazy person.
For #4 on the list: Godhatesfigs.com.
/gets popcorn
Man, this should be a great comment section. If it doesn’t set a record, then I’ll lose my faith in the evangelical right wing of America.
re #5
Is that where they got the name for Zippo lighters?
#6 Can you picture this in your head?
David is done collecting. Goes to Saul’s place. Says “Got what you wanted”. Saul goes “Lemme see” David gives him the bag of foreskins. Saul takes them out and starts counting “That’s one, that’s two, that’s three. Hey, is this a complete foreskin? I’m not counting it. I think you’re trying to cheat me. Not counting this one either, it’s pretty ripped up. I don’t see any value in it. This is a pretty good one. We’ll put in our Top Ten Foreskins pile, then I’m gonna make a display. People got this thing for Top Ten’s”
Speaking of foreskins, don't forget that when the rings of Jupiter were first seen, the Catholic pedofiles, errrr, I mean priests, thought they were the foreskin of Jeus!!!
They didn't appreciate the size of things seen far away though a telescope, but on the other hand maybe Jesus had a big d—–, being the perfect man and all…….
Actually, that reminds me of a joke.
Why do nuns love Jesus? (spreads arms wide). Because he's hung like this.
I know this is now 3 years later, but that was HILARIOUS. Thanks for the good laugh today! Top ten foreskins…ROFLMAO!!
Steven; rofl – very clever and so early in the morning too
jfrater; great list! I would be curious as to how the fundamentalist/bible is the literal truth folks would explain your examples.
also I heard on the news this am that Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpson) gave $10 Million to the cos. Damn even ruined the Simpson’s for me. Sad when the cartoon character has more common sense than the actor. oh and they are gonna honour her in a “Private Award Ceremony”. Lord even the catholics gave up the money for salvation thing.
Maybe when the CoS is as rich as the catholic church they will give it up too. The catholic church is supposedly the richest organization in the world, surpassing any of the multinational corporations. The Basilica has the world’s most highly valued art collection.
Some of these have GOT to be added by ancient pranksters.
Gotta say – I am curious to see how many people go crazy over this one
Frater: #3? You willfully allow this article to remain posted unabridged?
JT:
Fantastic list.
In regards to #4, Jesus and the fig tree–you left out one salient point that makes it even a little weirder. I don’t have a copy of the Bible in front of me right now, so I can’t quote verbatim, but I remember this one well… in essence the Bible explains that Jesus approached the fig tree, wanting figs, as he was hungry… but, the Bible adds at this point, *it was not the time for figs*…i.e., it was the wrong time of year! Then the Big Guy proceeds to curse the tree and it (says the Bible) “withered.”
Nice. What it means, I have no idea.
Read the passage, and ignore what some Christians on this thread say about its meaning. Jesus was talking about having faith.
“Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. ‘How did the fig tree wither so quickly?’ they asked.
Jesus replied, ‘I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,” and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.’” (Matthew 21: 18-22)
Randall: From entry #4: “it is barren as it’s the off season for figs”
Funny stuff, especially the sin of Onan.
I believe #4 is supposed to show that as followers of Christ you are supposed to do good deeds. “bearing fruit” is often a euphemism of in the bible for doing good deeds. This is why the barren, fruitless fig tree was cursed. Jesus was just making a particularly strong point (albeit a tad weird)
As for the rest of the stuff, I don’t really have time to explain it right now, and most of it IS indeed quite weird (though a few points are misrepresented)
Jesus is the most important figure anyway. Some websites, like tektonics.org and christian-thinktank.com have answers to questions/points made above.
Read the passage again, or for the first time. It’s not talking about *****. It describes that he is about to ejaculate, and pulls out immediately before it happens, spilling his seed on the ground. Some Christians try to use this to condemn the act of *****, while it has little to do with the “moral of the story”.
Wow! Great list!
There’s a reason why I never believed in this crap. The bible was written as a way to forumlate laws and rules and to control people. It is more than outdated, even the new testament. It is obsurd to take anything from the bible as literal.
I didn’t realize that there was necrophelia (sp?) in the bible… I’m surprised someone hasn’t used that one to change the law in the US to allow for that sort of thing, as fundamentalists tend to do.
The bible is not a book of laws. Its a book of hope and life. It shouldn't be looked at a book of "don't do this" and more of a book of "do these things". God didn't make a bunch of rules to limit the "fun" that people could have. He was saying, "Hey I think your life would be better if you didn't kill each other, and if you loved one woman and if you loved others and helped people out." and from my life personally, I love God and thank him for sending his son Jesus to die for my sins. Living a christian lifestyle is a lot easier and better if one would focus on God and doing the things he asks. If one does this, they find that they don't sin as much because God changes their heart.
I'm guessing you're a homo…
jwbm2525: Necrophelia? Where? English (and it's literature) a second language for you, is it? ex: obsurd?
The reason you don’t believe in this “crap” is the same reason this list exists: neither of you bothered to actually read any of the passages for yourself.
And I’m sure you call Christians closed-minded.
If you took the time to study the bible you would find the meanings for all these stories. Its absurd to guess at what they mean when the answers are so clear. Not a good list!
dango:
Jesus… how’d I miss that? uh…. sorry JT…. my mistake.
(hope I didn’t ***** somebody off upstairs…)
Bah! Mocking the bible is blasphemy. Though quite fun nevertheless.
(IMO)
Not a great list at all…frankly, i am embarrassed for having read the entire article. I expect to be struck by lightning anytime now. But, in all fairness, some of these stories are hard to grasp the point, or moral. I suggest a good NIV study Bible if someone is actually serious about learning what these mean.
there is also one in ezekiel around chapter 22 or so about the two adultress or concubine women who chase the army men. They say in one verse that their emissions were like horses and hung like them too. I am being too lazy to look it up for exact words but it’s in there.
Ezekiel 20 I think, T’was fun reading it
jwbm- I didn’t see necrophilia… perhaps you are thinking about #8. He is supposed to have ***** with the dead BROTHERS wife, not the dead wife. But I read it wrong first too.
jfrater- GREAT list! I’ve always loved unusual Bible stories, its interesting what you find in “the book.”
This site: http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/index.htm attempts to question the Bible and offers explanations to some of the weirder verses.
Amanda – Yep, Duh. You’re right. LOL Still doesn’t convince me of anything though. LOL
I laughed with tears, am still laughing in fact!
Bucslim: Meh. My son would never do anything like that. (My son’s name is D’ante)
HAHAHA…that lego picture was so damn funny….
Shabab: It’s part of the the Brick Testament: http://thebricktestament.com/
And we think Scientology is wierd…
#28: Dante eh? Was he there in Clerks?
Nope. His name is spelled the French way, though not pronounced the French way. He’s a bit young for clerks too. Right now he’s more interested in eating his shoes and watching cartoons. That and dice. He’s gonna be a gamer like his parents.
that's absolutely 'n'importe quoi' as we do say in french… there is no such thing as a french spelling of Dante other than Dante.
D’ante? Looks more like the black spelling to me…
Oh well, whatever floats your boat Sha’quanda.
Great list… very very funny!
Definitely have to check out the brick testament later.
heavy bison, yes, even Anne Frank knows that.
Great list!! Now when my daughter asks why we don’t go to church or read the bible, I will just show her this list. This should illustrate my “most religions are crazy and have nothing to offer” point.
Sweet, a list full of ignorant mocking of biblical texts without any understanding on the part of the mockers about context or anything of that sort! Way to go! I’m so glad we live in a society where being PC guarantees respect for all ideas!!!
dude. I want to see you put into context the foreskin story.
so whats your explanation of story number 7
I think # 10 should be Elisha and not Elijah. Eliseus is Elisha and Elias is Elijah
If you take a religon too seriously you become a terrorist or a “fundie” that pickets funerals or holds live poisonous snakes.Sad sad sad.
ok. i guess i’ll be the one to take up defense.
i absolutely agree that these stories are bizarre. but let’s remember that context, author’s original intent and societal customs all play a role in properly understanding the point of these stories. and to add a presupposition, everything in the Bible is there for a reason.
i have a masters degree in theology. i say this only as a means to convey that i have studied biblical hermeneutics and realize the problem with stories and verses out of context.
i’ll just try to explain one instead of the whole list.
#7 – there is a similar story in Genesis 19 where a band of criminals demand that a host release his guest so that they can be raped. this directly proceeds God destroying the entire city, Sodom, save for one family.
if you continue to read past the appointed section, i.e. ch 20, you will see that the reason that the man of the story “divided her (the dead girl), limb by limb, into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout all the territory of israel” was to call the nation to war against the men of the town that did this thing. ch 20:1 says “then all the people of israel came out, from dan to beersheba (extreme north israel to extreme south, i.e. everyone) including the land of gilead, and the congregation assembled as one man.” the people are outraged at the benjamites, the perpetrators, and it has sparked civil war.
the moral of the story, don’t do this crap or there are severe consequences.
and i agree, the picture of the spilled seed is hilarious. i love brick testament.
So these 12 territories ended up with a decomposing piece of flesh, and were all, "OK! This obviously means war?" Couldn't he have written a couple of notes?
I agree! A few notes would have worked just as well, surely?
And I think you mean “precedes”, not “proceeds”.
I grapple a lot with some of the episodes above, and while I have not found “answers” to them per se, I am not sure an answer would suffice. It’s like asking why in the midsty of suffering. Would any answer really help? I do think scripture has what appears to be contradictions, only because we are uncomfortable with paradoxes. And I think long, careful study of these scriptures (including the original languages, lexicons, historical context, etc) may lend more insight. But since we are applying our post-enlightenment mind-set to scripture, we are expecting things to stand up to reason and objective criteria, etc.
I think the problem comes when we look at these stories and assume they are rules or morals to live by. The Bible is a complete narrative of the history of God and His dealings with people, and I think problems come as soon as we take sections out of context. I think that’s a lot like reading any other book.
As far as I understand my faith, being a Christian means following the teachings of Christ. And that means filtering all other things, including the whacky Old Testament stories, through my faith in Him. I think there is room to struggle. I am enrolled in seminary now, so I hope I can work through some of these issues. Then again if they are all resolved, I guess that doesn’t involve too much faith, does it?
Lot and his daughters after his wife becomes a pillar of salt. Incest… not once… but twice. What was the meaning of that turn of events?
Lot’s daughters disobeyed God. Lot was asleep. Or really wasted. They had free will. The were so dead set against ignoring the plans that God had for them that they would do anything to get what they wanted. Apparently what they wanted was real gross. But God gave us free will to make those choices. Take that for what you will
and just as a side note… the douay-rheims bible translation that the links go to is not a very faithful translation. there are alot of politics involved in their decisions. for a less biased work, go to biblegateway.com and choose either the NASB or ESV.
Here’s a question for you, Jfrater, should the 40th commenter get a free Bible?
Thumbs up! Good observation.
Remember, onanism may be used as a term for *****, but his crime was clearly early withdrawal. This is the first recorded case of a ‘substantial penalty for early withdrawal.”
JLo: no! The coffers will be totally empty before long
The passages all have specific meanings that can be derived from the story and surrounding context. read more than just the sentence and you will understand better. And #7 is not about necrophilia, the brother is dead, not the woman. Read carefully, heathen. (lol)
DiscHuker: the DR is used by all English speaking Catholics and is an honest translation of the Latin Catholic bible – as Catholics are the largest majority of Christians (by more than twice the total number) I figured it okay to use
JT didn’t include links – just chapter and verse – I added the links.
Oh – and please guys – this list is not meant to mock Christianity or religious people – it is MEANT to be funny because of the very fact that the stories are taken out of context. Of course the context and history makes most of them clear – but then it wouldn’t be a fun list would it?
I expect you weren't serious when you posted this….of course it was meant to mock Christianity……how naive are you?……
dotdotdotdotdotdotdot, improper caps, crap sentences
It was for the lulz, KJ
Now my comments are showing. I double posted because I couldn’t see them. Sorry…
jfrater- so your saying you are deliberately provoking us??? :-O *wink*
I do think that some of the stories in the bible may be outdated, as the new testament replaced alot of old ideals with more practical and less…uh…traumatic (?) solutions.
Btw, for those wondering about the Fig Tree – the true moral of that one is that if a tree bears no fruit (ie, a religion does not do good for man) then it should be cursed (ie, thrown away) – early Christian thought on it was that it may have been a reference to Judaism having become so entangled in laws that there was no “love” or justice left in it (it was not bearing any fruit).
No. The lesson is about faith. Having faith, nothing is impossible with God. Read it again, dude.
JF: Really? I thought it was a prophecy about CoS
What kills me about story number #7 is that it’s repeated!! Later on or right before there is the story about Lot being warned by two angels of the fall of Sodom. Then the men of the city want to “know” the angels and Lot tells them they can’t have the guests but he has two daughters who have yet to “know” men and they can have them instead. So the worst part of this horrible terrible story is that is was so important that it had to be told twice with different characters!!!!
you are right jayfray, but that doesn’t mean that politics weren’t involved.
the translation that i grew up with, King James, has the same problems.
when people sit down to translate and they come across something that is in opposition to current practice, something has to give. sadly, it is hardly ever current practice.
Mystern: hah – I half wrote another comment referring to that and deleted it! But yes – I think it can be taken as the tacit approval of God to “curse” the CoS
longball: that is weird – for some reason your comments are going to moderation and I have to approve them – weird. Oh – and I wouldn’t EVER try to provoke anyone….
DiscHuker: I really like the translation of the DR and am not aware of any politics – it was written in France away from the revolutionaries in a monastery – so there was no fear of death etc for the people involved. The version I used is the Challoner (I think) version which was a revision done in the 1800s far long after the period in which it was originally translated so that should have fixed any problems that might have been there because of timing.
jf- how do i fix that?