Professional Athletes are not always known for their intelligence. Many are not especially articulate… okay, most of them are not known to be articulate. This is a list of the top 15 people who made us laugh, either by being completely clueless, stating the obvious, or just by being outrageous.
1. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” – Charles Shackleford
To be fair… He can actually breathe underwater too.
2. “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Doug Collins
… Almost? What happens the other times?
3. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father” –Greg Norman
And all of his other parents he failed to mention.
4. “Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.” –Jerry Coleman
He’s sick? I hope he can still pitch today.
5. “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.” –Bob Varsha
Now that’s impressive driving.
6. “You can sum up this sport [boxing] in two words: ‘You never know.’” -Lou Duva
Only two? Ok, can’t argue with that.
7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs
Umm… what?
8. “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.” –Randy Cross
Truer words were never spoken.
8. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” –Lou Deva… again.
….Ok Lou, ok.
10. “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.” –Murry Mexted
I guess in context it makes sense…
11. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” –Tug Mcgraw
After being asked if he preferred grass or Astroturf, the Tugger responded with this gem.
12. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” –Yogi Berra
And just because Yogi gave us so many, a bonus: “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
13. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd
So, you’re going to turn it all the way around and continue in the direction it was originally going? On second thought, maybe you should stay in college Jason.
14. “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” –Torrin Polk
That’s the most important thing a college football coach can offer his team. Earings.
15. Reporter: “Did you visit the Parthenon while in Greece?”
Shaquille O’Neill: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs we went to.”
At least you well represented the NBA while there, Shaq.
anyone else getting a virus warning when accessing this site? I get a notice saying parkneed.com is trying to access personal information
Nothing from Mike Tyson??? Wtf!
john kruk while appearing on the david letterman show after having a testicle removed due to cancer was wearing a t-shirt that said
“if you don’t like how i play, i’ll take my ball and go home”
I am not getting a virus warning but my computer freezes up about half the time I visit listverse. It started about a week ago and is getting to the point that I am planning on no longer coming to the site. I love listverse but its not worth a trashed computer or worse.
xdark #61, I get something that says bloodhound. My security also gets turned off when I visit Listverse.
I seem to recall a boxer (Leon Spinks? Micheal Spinks?) responding to a bit of legal trouble with firearms. Not word for word, but something like: “It wasn’t my gun. I never touched the gun. Besides that, it wasn’t loaded.”
62 General Tits Von Chodehoffen: I originally had him as the Bonus with the “eat your children” remark, looks like Jamie didn’t see it fit.
49. whoopee: Tug’s comment was in 1974. I can’t find anything about the sitcom you mentioned, but I’m thinking he said it first.
The commentaries under each quote are very unnecessary. They’re not funny or well written, and the you’re really just patronizing the reader by explaining why each quote is funny.
pardon the typo
You have been pardoned, sir.
No Casey Stengel quotes?? He was a funny man.
One from Joe Theisman
“He’s no genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
I like this list. It’s real hillarrious.
71. antlyon
“He’s no genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
That was the name of a guy Theisman went to college with. He went on to be a Phd. Rhodes Scholar or something like that. It really was an accurate statement.
#1 Funny, I’m anphibeous as well.
#7 Er… did he just say…
#14 was my email signiture for a long time.
hilarious.
#11 was awesome
What’s with No.4? He’s throwing, up in the bullpen – i.e. Warming up – even I get that…
77. Mark: Sorry, I can’t explain it, that would be patronizing apparently.
Numbers 6 and 8 are confusing because you spelled Tom Duva or Deva’s name wrong. Good list Though i laughed a good deal.
dole, ur the one whoses stupid, im not commenting on YOU, why are u the one responding… stupid!
Another jerry coleman:
[dave] winfield’s running back to the wall
He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off
It’s rolling all the way back to second base
This is a terrible thing for the padres
…LOL
I know I’ve mentioned it before. But the announcer of the horse race calling the leaders of the race with Hoof Hearted in the lead. “Hoof Hearted Hoof Hearted Who Farted.” He had no idea what he was saying.
You can find YouTube. It really happened.
I once heard a football player say:
“Our team is the best in the World and one of the best in Europe!”
dont remember who though…
I usually don’t read the Best Quotes lists on this site because I find lists without some interaction or commentary from the compiler very dry and extremely boring.
The list compiler’s comments here kept my interest through the whole list but I can also see why someone else might find them distracting or even patronizing.
However, in my opinion, it is actually reading the commentaries and gauging the explicit or implicit rationales behind a compilation (as well as the wonderful community comments) that make this site so absorbing.
Others I’ve heard in football:
“Our team was at the end of an abiss but we took a step foward”
“At the end of the day we didnt win, instead we went out for a drink!”
“Predictions?… only at the end of the game!”
-when asked what he predicts the final score would be.
“I dont want to talk to the press only with the journalists”
“If the goalie lets the ball in… it will be a goal!”
“Half the players on the pitch are fighting for the same objective.”
“The ball hit the netherlands”
-when a ball hit the privates of Netherlands player Jaap Stam.
nothing from Ali? That’s another list in itself right there.
LOLz!!!
i think Matt (#7) meant that when the team congratulates you upon your return to the dugout, Evan when your loosing its a good feeling …. that’s what i gather anyways
, he did forget a few words tho definatly
RandomPrecision
Nice list – looks like we’ll need another soon – make it twenty next time.
WARNING!: Beware of the Bloodhound virus. Make your anti-phishing feature is turned on.
How could you leave Mike Tyson off of there. His best was :
“I’m going to fade into Bolivian!”
Not to mention his famous child eating rants
I actually heard this one live on TV – Former Houston Rocket Center Ralph Sampson was asked how he was able to make a last second shot:
“Well I got it up and put it in.”
Charles Barkely:
Ernie: “Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort.”
Charles: “20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!”
“I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, ‘Yeah. I’m going to retire.’ They said, ‘Well, we’ll give you $9 million.’ And I said, ‘You got a pen on you?’”
“When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those *****s on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.”
“I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.”
http://barkleyquotes.blogspot.com/
How about Dennis Rodman? I have 2 that I find hilarious!
“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.”
“For five years I’ve felt like the best prostitute in a high-class *****house. But all the other girls get paid more than I do.”
Ha ha ha ha!
Funny list!
I especially liked #1 and #7.
When told by a group of journalists that he had played well on the game, a soccer player was also wished a happy birthday since it was his birthday on that day. “Thanks and same to you” he replied
7. “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done.” -Matt Stairs
That sounds so wrong.
What about Bill Walton “Throw it down big man!!”, John Madden, or Mike Tyson as someone mentioned on here already. I can’t remember any quotes off the top of my head but I know they all have many WTF moments. I especially question how Walton got a commentating job, Madden is just old, and Tyson….well he’s just crazy.
Lennox Louis when commentating during fights tends to state the obvious: “If he doesn’t stop getting hit he’s gonna lose this fight” Really Louis? Thanks for the insight.
I think one of my other favorites is Allen Iverson when questioned about why he missed practice with the team (Back when he was on the Sixers and Larry Brown was the coach): “Man we talkin bout practice, I don’t need to practice with the team, they know how I play. We play ball all the time.”
I have 3 favorite quotes. Two are by Georege Washington and Nelson Mandela, the third by the great MIKE TYSON: “I’m gonna f*ck you til you love me, you little f*ggot.” Brilliance.
Ha ha ha….hilarious
yeah, Mike Tyson is known for his ridiculous quotes.
You stole this…..
101. Cornflakes -
except their list was published 3 days AFTER this one. looks like the theft went the other way……
Well, I´m only reading this list today because I´m not usually interested in sports (quotes, stories or otherwise…) but this list was incredibly funny! Amphibious…
I have to say, I still dont get the one about the hookers though…
RP- Just wanted to say I enjoyed your little comments!
cornflakes: I don’t know whether that was just an attempt to spam the site with your wrestling site or not – but in fact they quoted the list from here – and ours was published three days before theirs. Furthermore, theirs even says “Quote” before it. I have removed the link you added to the site that stole it.
Too funny! Thanks a lot for this list!!
very funny list!
made my day…
i usually don’t comment but i just have to with this one.
and the additional quotes in the comments are great!
keep it up guys.
=p
For the benefit of those who may be struggling with Murray Mexted’s quote (don’t worry even us hardened All Black followers struggle with Murray); The Hooker in question is a position in rugby (Shirt#2 he plays in the middle of the Front Row at scrum time and ‘hooks’ the ball when it is fed into said scrum.
) illegally at a tackle/breakdown in play.
IIRC in this particular instance The Hooker had gone down (get your minds out of the gutter
There are plenty more Murrayisms out there.
segue; I would tend to try a bit of both if I was your daughter. The Tris for the stamina, while the touch helps both the explosive speed and does wonders for ball skills as well. Great if she wants to play a southern Hemisphere type game.
JohnSomats (79) Yes imagine spelling Tom L-O-U DUH!!!
Mind you while not a sports quote one of Lou’s protegés has a quotable place in Kiwi history.
I’ll have an O for Awesome (David Tua on NZ Wheel of Fortune)
My favorite Tyson: He squealed like a girl every time I hit him. Speaking after demolishing Tyrell Biggs.
Another football classic is Eric Cantona after the kung fu kick episode.
Finally re the comments, I liked them and in a couple of cases needed them to work out the humour due to unfamiliarity with the sport.
107. k1w1taxi: I’ll pass on your advice.
She’s been playing Rugby now for about 8 years, most of those years at Hooker. The past year she has allowed a new girl to act as Hooker in less demanding games, while she took up the Prop position.
Rugby is a family tradition. He Great-Uncles on her maternal Grandmothers side all played.
Segue
Being a front row forward the Tris are even better as the swimming component will help the shoulder/upper body strength as well as the anaerobic(?) fitness. The ball skills from the Touch will certainly come in very handy if she wants to go as far as possible with the game. Witness the value of a Carl Hayman or Tony Wood*****versus those great Northern lumps
Were the Great Uncles American or from elsewhere? Australia? I would be amazed to find rugby played in the USA, actually cancel that as I was going to say that far back, but I just remembered who the reigning Olympic champions are
Cheers
Lee
109. k1w1taxi: My mum was Australian, so yes, the Great-Uncles were Australian. One of them, the crazy one, also played played Australian Rules…otoh, he was a math prodigy, worked for off-track bookies as a human calculator.
I’ll pass on all of your advice to my daughter (all 5’4″ of her).
Ahahahah! Great lists! I especially looove the #6!
how about scottish football manager gordn strachan.
after a game-
reporter ‘gordon, do you have time for a quick word’
gordon – ‘velocity’….and walks off! ha.
You guys forgot Murray Walker, F1 hasn’t been the same since he retired.
http://www.worldmotorsport.com/murray/
Take a looksee up there and here’s a few to appetize you.
‘..and Damon Hill is following Damon Hill’
‘Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th’
‘Schumacher has made his final stop three times!’
Murray Walker is king!
His quotes are legendary, a career of just throwing any combination of words together when he got excited
“Michael Schumacher leading Damon Hill by four tenths of a second or so, because it’s moving…[cut to Hill under Schu's rear wing] AND THAT’S NOT FOUR TENTHS OF A SECOND! That’s Michael Schumacher!”
Murray : And Coulthard is now on the inside, AND HE’S GOING THROUGH!!! (add appropriate excitement)
Martin : That’s a replay, Murray.
BTCC at Silverstone where John Cleland is stuck behind a smoking car, John sticks his fingers up at the car behind and Murray replies
“Yes, John you’re still second”
OMG! The person who gave us the AL IAFRATE quote was hillarious!!
The 360 thing is funny beacuse I was on a plane for a school trip and the stewardess told my friend that his suitcase was facing the wrong way in the overhead bin. Then she said ” make your suitcase do a full 360 . ” Despite the fact that ” full 360″ is horribly redundant, the bag would still be facing the wrong way.
Number 8 mad me throw up the food that I was eating. Hahaha. It was just so funny. And com’on. Shaq doesn’t know the Parthenon!
haha, funny.
i don’t get any of them.
of course i’m only in 9th grade.
i get the Yoga Bear one though,
he’s talking about like a fork you eat with right?
kinda like a spoon and knife thing right?
and i thought the Parthenon was a football stadium in NYC.
I wonder what the reaction was to number 7. Stunned silence, followed by gales of uncontrollable laughter I suspect.
Wow…. 15 quotes and not ONE Rickey Henderson quote??? Come on! You’re slacking, man. There are lists out there that are JUST Rickey Henderson quotes. In fact here’s a list of 25. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=160837