Humans have kept animals as pets since the dawn of time. They make loyal and loving companions. But we’ve come far from the days when man and beast would sleep on the ground beneath the stars together. Our pets have recently become exceedingly pampered and fawned over. The products sold in specialty pet stores are evidence to this trend. Here are ten of the most ridiculous, useless and just plain stupid pet products.
10. Clothing
There’s no better way to irritate your furry friend than to press them to the floor and forcibly clothe them. You’ll get the satisfaction of seeing your costumed pet stare perplexedly at you for a few seconds, and then commence removing/ripping/soiling his or her new outfit.
9. Pet Stroller
“Hey do you wanna go for a walk around the neighborhood?”
“Yeah sure! But what about Mr. Whiskers?”
“He can come along! I’ve got a Pet Stroller!”
Does this situation seem familiar to you? Of course it doesn’t. Any reasonable pet owner knows that carrying your cat out into the noisy and unpredictable world with you in a small, confined space is a very, very bad idea.
8. Pawlish
This punny product is meant to give your pooch a fashionable manicure or pedicure. Just like people! (Hint: Dogs are not people.)
7. Babble Ball
The Babble Ball is a toy that either talks or emits various sounds when touched. This toy could provide for two very unfortunate scenarios:
Your dog is so intrigued by the Babble Ball that he plays with it all through the night. The sound of voices and strange animal sounds echo throughout the house. You, the owner, are kept awake for weeks on end and, consequentially, are driven insane.
Your pup listens to the sounds of voices emitting from an inanimate object and his perception of reality is distorted. He eventually snaps and goes Cujo on your ass.
6. Chuckit! Ball Launcher
Tired of the incredible arm strain it takes to throw a small ball a relatively short distance? Then thank the sweet lord for the Chuckit! Ball Launcher. (Note: Anyone I see using a Chuckit! will be laughed at/pushed into a ditch.)
5. Dog Poop Freeze
Although it is slightly embarrassing and nauseating to crouch down and pick up the steaming pile that Poochie just deposited, it is a necessary aspect of dog ownership; otherwise, there wouldn’t be a square foot of clean earth in Central Park. Dog Poop Freeze claims that with a simple spray doggy cleanup will be 100% easier. Here’s a hint: fire-extinguishing your pup’s poop isn’t going to make it a less embarrassing or disgusting task.
Bonus: My favorite product review from Amazon.com – “I reminisce about old days when a uncle and his born-again Christian nephew had to make poop sculptures out of WARM poop. Not anymore, Scooter. Now I can finally make that lifesize poop sculpture of Debbie Gibson in my basement.”
4. Kong Stuff’n Paste
A Kong is a rubbery, snowman-shaped toy that dogs apparently go nuts over. The primary reason for its popularity is the fact that the Kong can be filled with food, treats and practically anything else. Kong Paste is basically a can of doggie spray cheese in a variety of flavors that can be sprayed into the Kong. Alright, fine. But what happens when the Kong doesn’t get cleaned out completely? The chunks of meaty paste begin to fester in the corners of the rubbery snowman, creating bacteria and ultimately producing a small civilization; like that episode of The Simpsons (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treehouse_of_Horror_VII).
3. Vibrating Massage Mitt
It’s the purrfect gift for any pet! Haha get it? But not really. This product is marketed as a massaging mitt that relaxes pets and strengthens the bond between pet and owner. I would imagine a different scenario unfolding: You walk over to Fluffy and turn on the massaging device that makes sounds similar to that of a vacuum cleaner. Fluffy reacts to the terrifying vacuum sound, engraving deep scratch marks on your arms. Fluffy has lost all trust in you as a dependable owner. You bastard.
2. Secure Outdoor Cat Run
Your cat will thoroughly enjoy being confined in a weird green tube…thing for hours on end, being taunted by small animals protected by the layer of fabric that separates your cat from the fun, vibrant world.
1. Doggles
Just look at the picture! I am not even going to bother to comment on the sheer stupidity of this product.
Contributor: kfinch90
first yay
I got a Christmas card from our friends with their Dog’s picture enclosed dressed as a princess. I had little bit of vomit come up into my throat.
You left out Neuticles: http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html
The pet clothing is bad enough, but nail polish?!?!?!
Great list! Very funny, as I can actually picture a few people I know with these products! Although, I too, would most likely push these people into ditches and laugh at them.
Neuticles…. now that’s dumb!!
Whatever the dumbest cat toy is, there’s probably one under our couch. (haha)
Here’s a fun fact: Doggles made the creator a millionaire.
is it u
Great list, j. But you forgot one item:
http://www.prosoundweb.com/fun/Photofun/38_cat_carrier.jpg
Animal rights activists should seriously think of putting “humiliation” on their list as an act of cruelty.
No, just foolin.
but , I do get a big kick out of seeing what lengths people go through to personify their pets.
Instead of “poop freeze” why not create doggie parks that have a mechanical rake that runs over the terrain on a timer and rotates the poop into compost.
Actually, now that I remember, a friend with a cat had a self cleaning litter box, that rotated the poop into a bottom catch, which you pull out and dump.
I dont know, those look like normal goggles to me, exept for the “G” changed to “D”. I could be wrong.
And Dammit! This Is how people make millions today?
Doggles do have one purpose, although I admit it’s not what they were created for. I foster dogs with eye problems and dogs with glaucoma and optic neuritis are much more comfortable with Doggles.
LMAO! I sadly owned Chuckit! Ball Launcher. I don’t know why – but I used it once or twelve times.
It took awhile to realize it’s stupidity.
people are animal crazy these days. i almost died from laughter when i saw that your pet could get a picture with santa.
I made fun of this pet product a while back in one of my blog posts.
http://nonagendazone.blogspot.com/2007/01/new-product-with-no-agenda-zone_7634.html
Hey…re number 6: I don’t own one, but have you ever had to handle an ubelivably salia/water soaked tennis ball? Yeah. That thing looks pretty good after 40 slobbering minutes of fetch.
Number 10 reminds me of those people that think it’s cute to dress up their pets on Halloween.
kfinch: you are right on for some of these but you have no friggin idea when it comes to the chuckit.
i have a 110 lb black lab. chasing things brings him more pleasure than most things in life, except maybe food or licking his balls. the chuckit offers two things that my arm doesn’t… 1)the ability to pick up the ball without soaking my hands in slobber and 2) the ability to throw a tennis ball DRASTICALLY farther.
throwing a ball 30-40 yards doesn’t offer the challenge or fun to my lab, but throwing it 60-70 does. and using this allows me to throw for a much longer time because of the relative ease of use. 10 minutes is no good for the pooch. half an hour is getting a little bit closer to his prefered time line.
by the way, come try to push me into a ditch while i’m using it and you will be glad that that enormous animal is 70 yards away.
Oh, and as for the neuticals: “The 200 year-old traditional form of altering used on family pets includes the permanent removal of the pet’s testicles. Many caring pet owners hesitate or even to refuse to neuter their pets because of this.”
Actally, most caring pet owners neuter their pets BECAUSE of this, as it is not only an unessential part of the animal’s anatomy but also creates more problems than it solves. And the last time I checked, bulls and horses were not ‘family pets,’ they were expensive livestock that do not take well to being treated like ‘pets.’ These people are crazy.
Haha, and this:
“My vet said that my pet will reject any foreign object. Is this true?
Absolutely not.”
Yeah, because your vet knows ***** about animals. They didn’t go to school for that or anything, you should DEFINATELY listen to this website instead of your vet.
“My vet said Neuticles are not ethical. Is that true?
We feel the removal of a God given body part – leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it’s like nothing ever changed.”
Oh, now I get it. It’s about what GOD gave them. Right.
“What is scar tissue development?”
If you are asking this question, you should probably not own pets. God help them if you do.
“My vet said my dog wont know that he’s missing anything. Is that true?”
Yes, your vet knows these things. That’s not what the folks at Neuticles say though! Of course he’s going to know! “Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense.” Yeah, because animals use their testicles to walk and perform other essential everyday functions.
“Can Neuticles be implanted in people?”
LMAO.
And on their, what the media is saying about them?
“The ASPCA implores pet owners to neuter- but what about the emasculated pet? Now there’s Neuticles!”
The Daily Show
Jon Stewart was making fun of you…you fools!
Aah, some people are just too much. Sorry, I got quite a kick out of that. =p Thanks for posting the link.
It has already been mentioned but I must echo it: Neuticles. You must put on neuticles. I mean, come on! Fake testicles for your dog after he gets neutered so his “self-esteem doesn’t” go down.
My dog, Bernie, has his own drawer in my dresser for his clothes. He has a raincoat that looks more like a hazmat suit and a Jayhawks football jersey (he’s gotta help support the team) and an AC/DC sweatshirt that says “For Those About to Bark We Salute You” and has a little cannon on it. Oh and he a turtleneck that I force him to wear sometimes. I like to emasculate my dog to show him whose boss. My boyfriend really hates it when I make Bernie wear his turtleneck but then I remind him that I have already had his balls removed and he should not underestimate my power of emasculation. That usually shuts him up, I think he may fear for his own balls.
We used to put our clothes on our dogs for *****s and giggles, but they’re pretty big so little poochie sweaters would never work. (I highly recommend socks held on with rubber bands and a pair of men’s shorts.
Those ball launchers are REALLY popular with dog lovers! I swear! Go to any populated dog park and you’ll see 1/3 of the people using them, and a lot of people bring two for someone else to use. It’s great! I’ve never heard anyone make fun of them until now!
I thought there might be some controversy over my decision to include the ball launcher in the list after I read mostly favorable reviews of the product online…but it just seems so unnecessary to me!
And just because it’s a good product doesn’t mean it’s not a stupid product
chuckit is actually very useful.
Thank you. I now have numerous gift ideas for my sister-in-law.
I have had this debate with my girlfriend over and over and I will stand by this steadfastly: No animal should be forced to wear clothing! They don’t even realise that they run around “buck naked” all the time anyway so what’s the point other than trying to humanise them even more!
kfinch: per your introduction you use the words “rediculous, useless and just plain stupid”…none of these describe the chuckit, just admit that you picked poorly on this one. don’t ocntinue to call it stupid just because you personally don’t use it.
if that were the litmus test for a product’s stupidity then birth control pills, heart medicine and brussel sprouts are stupid because i don’t personally use them.
forget the chuckit, get a hyperdog. Tennis ball slingshot, great for excessively energized dogs or waking you roommate during the daily never-ending alarm.
http://www.petgadgets.com/product_details.cfm?product_id=98&content_id=7
hahaha funny doggles,
The funny thing is that dogs neither know/care people are making all these bull***** products. Aside from the doggles and clothes (which I’m sure any real dog would tear your throat out for trying to put on him), they mean absolutely nothing to the dogs.
I love the chuckit. I’m not a wimp, but I am a pretty small girl and I can’t really throw the ball far enough to make it exciting for an energetic golden retriever. Rufus is my parents dog, so now that I don’t live there I don’t get to play with him a lot, but he loves playing catch on the beach when I go down to visit!
That said, the cat run is HILARIOUS. I just love how the cat is just sitting and staring at the camera all *****ed off. At least, I imagine he is *****ed off, my cats would be.
Dude, chuckit is the greatest invention for dog owners EVER. I guess you like grabbing slobbery, mud covered tennis balls.
I took care of my friends Weimaraner for a week and that thing also prevented me from throwing out my shoulder.
you guys are getting way too defensive over the chuckit. I have one, I love it. But seriously, way too denfensive over a dog toy.
Santiago, That is by far the best invention of all time right there. Although I would be led to believe that some feline owners should have one of those used on them as well.
Good list, bleh descriptions. Too many “what if” scenarios and vain attempts at humour. Nice effort though, but definately trying too hard.
santiago: holy crap!!! i didn’t click the link the first time through. that is amazingly hilarious. like most dog lovers, i don’t care for cats that much and that device is perfect. my whole family got a laugh out of that one. geez, the family pic really tops it off nice.
I agree, dog clothes are STUPID! Although, I would make exceptions for small dogs or hairless dogs in very cold places. We brought one of my bulldogs camping one time, but he refused to walk in snow until we put some socks on his feet which were held up by rubber bands. Sad, I know, but I think the snow hurt his pads. After that we bought some dog boots for him to use whenever we went to the mountains or camping.
No invisible pet fence ?
MImanic, those things are amazing, maybe not for dogs or cats but for other pets. My neighber has a few chickens and a rooster and each one has a little bracelet that doesnt allow them to leave the boundaries of the front yard. Its a pretty cool thing if you ask me.
Instead of Neuticles use Ben Wa balls. That when when they walk they produce a relaxing sound.
my cats are perfectly fine with a feather on a stick toy….hours and hours of quiet fun
VikingBerserker: You are a GENIUS. Lord, that had me laughing!
Here’s another one I just came across on Gizmodo. Its a doggy Treadmill kind of like the thing the Jetsons had.
http://gizmodo.com/338598/fit-fur-life-doggy-treadmill-walks-that-mutt-so-you-wont-have-to
Hilarious list…Number 9 perplexed me; if you’re going somewhere and want to bring your dog, isn’t WALKING it a better option? Or are people too lazy these days to suffer the exertion of holding a leash?
I do actually use a Chuckit though. It throws the ball much further than a normal toss, which is good for my dog who loves to run
Good list, but how could you leave off Bowlingual!?
http://www.coolest-gadgets.com/20060623/the-bowlingual-canine-translator/
I sure hope the fad of anthropomorphizing pets ends soon; it’s making Americans look like idiots, not to mention the animals. Has anyone mentioned dog wigs yet? Two companies make wigs for dogs. True.
#6 Chuck-it actually rocks! Not for its throwing ability, but for the fact that you don’t have to touch a slobbery tennis ball with your hands. Very useful if you ask me!
viking: holy crap that was brilliant. still laughing as i type this.
the ChuckIt! and Doggles are the absolute BEST dog products!
after 6 + years of tossing a slobbery, nasty, gloopy tennis ball a mediocre 10 feet or so, the ChuckIt! saved playtime for me and my dog! used properly. it will launch a regular tennis ball completely across the half-acre local dog park.it’s the best toy, and we have had many hours of quality playtime with it.
Now Doggles where a God-send for me and my ACD… he liked to hang his head out of the window while I drove, and as my constant companion, that meant a lot of time was spent with him “*****in” my ride… (as well as alot of slobber on my second window and scratches on the paint under the passenger window)The Doggles looked cool, and he liked them… see this link to my DA page!
http://ringtailroxy.deviantart.com/art/Palm-Trees-43413175
roxy
here’s another one of my dog and his Doggles at a big fundraiser for my non-profit animal blood bank last March…
http://ringtailroxy.deviantart.com/art/Stylin-73219396
roxy
LOL @ “Note: Anyone I see using a Chuckit! will be laughed at/pushed into a ditch.”
Have to put in a defense for doggles. I take my dog quading with me. He both runs beside the quad and rides on the back with me. Doggles protect his eyes while he runs through the grass, and from low lying tree branches when quading through the woods.
Funny. chew toys for older dogs that promptly ignore it.
Hah i got a pet joke.
A dogs diary:
8:07-woke up. The highlight of my day.
8:14-jumped on my owners bed. Highlight of my day.
9:36-went outside. Highlight of my day.
6:29 p.m.-came inside. Highlight of my day.
A cats diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
yeah doggles and chuckits are actually a good idea- we had a dog who eyes popped out of place and the doggles would have prevented it, also chuckits are good when used for dogs that want to run considerably farther than you can throw the ball-it tires him out faster so you don’t have to spend all freakin day playing fetch
The chuckit is actually a pretty sweet invention. I can throw a ball plenty far but after an hour of playing fetch with my chocolate lab the ol’ arm gets tired. With the chuckit i can launch the heck out of a tennis ball and it gets my dog tired more quickly. It awesome and I’m surprised you put it on the list.
Ha. Funny list. Dogs are cute. I heart JFrater.
-Andrea Carlena Beauman
Well, as a pet owner, I was all set to object to something on this list, but I must say you nailed it. Nothing here qualifies as less than stupid!
Oka, first of all the website is great. I got the link from the White Stripes site, so that gives you credibility. But after seeing this list, I have a problem. The only one of these products that is actually one of the best, you put in here. The ChuckIt (if you ever used it) is better for dogs than anything. They can run freakin’ football fields with that giving them a motive. Second of all, DOGGLES RULE!
That is all.
I’m agreeing with Llamee. Chuck it is great. Doggles are a great idea. And I had a German Shepherd mix who used to love when we put any kind of garment or adornment on him. He’d waltz around like he thought he was hot stuff. It was great.
If I was a dog I would like the Babble Ball.