The Bible is full of many fascinating tales – many good, and some bizarre – here are the top 10 bizarre tales from the Bible.
10. A lesson for those who dare mock male pattern baldness
Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24
One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.
The moral of this story? Don’t make fun of bald people. Frankly, why this story isn’t included along with the Ten Commandments is anybody’s guess, but I think it would serve as an excellent lesson for children who think baldness is something to be made fun of.
9. Eglon’s ignoble death
Found in: Judges 3:21-25
Ehud is the Bible’s sneakiest assassin (and also the only left-handed person mentioned in the Holy Book). He is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to smarmy King Eglon. Ehud waltzes in to meet the gluttonous king, pulls out a sword and stabs Eglon in the stomach. At first he can’t get it in, but he pushes harder and eventually reaches his intestine. Eglon is so overweight, we learn, that his fat actually covers the hilt of the sword, pushing it further into his stomach until it’s not even visible. It’s at this point that Eglon loses control of his bowels and begins to defecate mercilessly all over his chamber. The King’s attendants eventually come back, but do not enter Eglon’s bed chamber, assuming he is relieving himself. After waiting “to the point of embarrassment”, his attendants burst in to find their king dead on the floor, covered in his own faecal matter. Meanwhile, Ehud had escaped to the town of Seriah.
The moral of this story? Who cares, but it’s damn cool.
8. Onan – cautious, yet foolish
Found in: Genesis 38:8-10
A story so eponymous, it gave way to its own neologism – onanism, an archaic term for masturbation. Basically, God kills Er. Why? We don’t really find out. However, in a stroke of good luck, Er’s father, Judah, has given you the right, nay the duty, to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.
The moral of this story? In the words of Monty Python, “Every sperm is sacred…”
7. A very disturbing tale
Found in: Judges 19:22-30
Within the Bible, one occasionally finds stories so horrible, one can wonder what their purpose is. Not only is this story utterly bizarre, but it is also absolutely disgusting. A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
The moral of this story? I would hope none.
6. A novel way to show your love
Found in: 1 Kings 18:25-27
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
The moral of this story? Never be ashamed to do crazy things for love.
5. Like slicing salami
Found in: Exodus 4:24-26
Continuing the Bible’s fascination with all things foreskin, we get the bizarre story of God trying to kill Moses because his son isn’t circumcised. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. “You are a bloody husband to me!” squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.
The moral of this story? Never turn down a woman for being a psycho. Someday she may save your life.
4. Jesus and the fig tree
Found in: Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14
So, Jesus is walking from Bethany and he’s feeling a bit peckish. He encounters a fig tree, but unfortunately it is barren as it’s the off season for figs. Annoyed, Jesus demands the fig tree bear him fruit, however the fig tree doesn’t respond (it’s a tree), so Jesus, in an act of uncharacteristic rashness, curses the fig tree to death. This story is bizarre for many reasons, but mainly for how little it means to the Jesus story and how Jesus seems to react so harshly. OK, so he’s hungry, and we all get a little cranky when hungry, but come on, the fig tree had done nothing wrong. This just seems like abuse of powers to me.
The moral of this story? I honestly can’t think of one. This story seems so unimportant and purposeless yet both Mark and Matthew mention it so it must have some importance. The best I can think of is: don’t disobey Jesus, even if you’re an inanimate tree.
3. Even God is proud of his backside
Found in: Exodus 33:23
It’s a big day for Moses. He’s finally going to meet God face to face and is giddy with anticipation. Soon the time comes and Moses positions himself on a rock ready to see the divine creator himself. But God backs out at the last minute claiming that no man can see his face and live. However, he has a solution. He will let Moses have a peek at his backside, “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Moses must be heartbroken. He was hoping to see God’s face not his bottom! Imagine explaining that to the wife: “Oh honey, did you see God’s face?” “Umm not quite…I got a great look at his ass though!” Moses most likely slept alone that night.
The moral of this story? God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.
2. Balaam and his talking donkey
Found in: Numbers 22:28-30
Balaam is just minding his own business, spanking his ass (donkey) when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, “Because thou hast mocked me.” The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Oh yeah did I mention it was TALKING DONKEY?
The moral of this story? Don’t beat animals. If they could talk then they would probably tell you how upset they were.
1. Jacob and the case of the magical genetics
Found in: Genesis 30:37-39
And the most bizarre tale in the Bible goes too…this head-scratcher from Genesis, with its utterly bemusing explanation of the genetic code. Basically, Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan: he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle. What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young. Now, we’d all expect this idiotic plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about something or other, but no it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy. What on earth is going on here? Anyone with the most basic understanding of genetics knows that this is bunk. The odd thing is that this story seems to have no purpose and moral – it’s just there. And I can’t help wondering how many scientists with painted sticks had attempted to repeat this process before Mendel came along and said, “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to happen fellas, why don’t we try this instead?”
The moral of this story? Your guess is as good as mine.
Contributor: JT
anton lefevre- i remember learning stories 2 and 3 in Hebrew school. just sayin’.
this damn pacific time is putting me behind!! i woke up and checked this site and already there were 100 comments! how am i ever going to be first?
and i love this list by the way. and the first comment was pretty funny.
I dunno — isn’t the weirdest story in the bible the one about the God who had to die to make His father forgive people for something they didn’t actually do themselves, except his father was really Himself and could have done the forgiving all on His own, without needless torture and bloodshed and death? There’s even a real multiple personality scene, where the God is on a cross and yells up at Himself about forsaking Him(self)?
Or am I thinking about a different and polytheistic religion, where gods talking to other gods would be normal?
Mornin’ Mystern and other fellow travellers…
I’ve been up for ages, and I really try only to comment when I have something to say,,,unfortunately I almost always have something to say
My gift and my curse
anton: I trust my parents more than anyone, and they told me the story of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Pastor???? Get a grip!
What a hoot. I must say you’ve outdone yourself jfrater. The one about the guy offering his virgin daughter to the gang of bi*****ual rapists takes the cake.
anton- what religion do you claim as your own? curious as to what bible they read?
You too can see God’s butt, just like Moses in #3. Michaelangelo was gracious enough to paint it in all its glory on the Sistine Chapel ceiling:
NSFC (not safe for church)
Hmmm, most of these have the horrible fallacy of selective reading or simple ignorance of the culture of the times.
10. Elisha had shaved his head because his predecessor Elijah had just been taken into heaven. Shaving one’s head was a sign of mourning back then. Thus, when Elisha was mocked by a mob of youths (probably teenagers by the original language’s meaning), they were not only making fun of his mourning but disgracing his predecessor Elijah. Both men were prophets, agents for God and as the saying goes, God does not like to be mocked.
9. This is an interesting story but none that really gives a relevant moral. Weird stuff happens all the time in history. Judges was a book written as history and such some weird things will turn up. Perhaps a closer reading would yield further meaning.
8. Back in the day, your family was your life. Without children, you could not pass on your inheritance, your name would die and your wife would be left with nothing. As such, if a husband died before having children, the husband’s brother was obligated to provide children for the family. This was not merely a religious practice, it was a practical matter widely used throughout the ANE (Ancient Near East). The reason God was *****ed at Onan wasn’t because he masturbated, it was cause he did not fulfill his duty to provide his sister in law with children.
7. This story is obviously not meant to be used for moral teaching and instruction. It serves as an example of wickedness and evil. Furthermore, it should be noted that hospitality in the ANE was a major obligation. Thus, a guest was protected so much so that even the owner’s own life came secondary. It’s also worth noting that this account is very similar to the story of Sodom and Gamorrah.
6. Umm, this story isn’t in the bible. 1 Kings 18 has to do with Elijah challenging the priests of Baal. Even if the story was in the bible, I really don’t understand how it could be meant to taught anything other than the craziness of King Saul.
5. It was important for the Jews to set themselves apart from other people, especially (in the context of this story) the Egyptians. God introduced circumcision as a means to distinguish the Jewish people from all others. It was especially worth noting that in this short verse, it is right after the plague of killing the first born children . Again, I don’t see any moral instruction in this very short story.
4. Ah, the meaning of the withered fig tree. This story is actually quite powerful. Essentially, Jesus is illustrating to His disciples that when God calls you to do something, you cannot simply say “I am not in season” i.e. “I don’t want to now, maybe later.”
3. I don’t know what you are talking about, the translation I’m reading (NIV) says “and you will see my back.” So… yeah, that doesn’t mean butt.
2. Actually, Balaam was a pagan prophet. God was trying to get his attention through his donkey. In the previous verses, the donkey keeps stopping because it sees an angel while Balaam ignores it. Sometimes God likes to get people’s attention.
1. Wrong again sir, there is a great difference between the Bible describing a bunko process and endorsing it as true. The story here is that Jacob’s buddy Laban is cheating him out of livestock. By Jacob’s own admission in Genesis 31:9, it is GOD who made the process work, not his own superstition.
bruno- i think selective reading was part of the fun.
bucslim; hear, hear! See my above comment about not believeing in any particular religion. The obvious hypocrisy is exactly why. And imo fundamentalist anything is dangerous.
I’m still laughing over #2. That’ll teach you to smack asses I suppose…
mobmij: Fair comment.
bruno; that was the point, and it proves that any crack-pot who wants to set up his own cult/religion can find justification for their beliefs….
see my above post
Yeah, but as evidenced by the reaction by everyone on these posts, most people see these as actually pertinent to what Jews/Christians believe.
This is a great list. I should point out that finding the moral in a story is answering the wrong question.
More appropriate questions are:
Who was this story written for?
Why was it written the way it was?
What were the authors trying to say?
The purpose of many of these stories is not to get us to come to an answer, but to embark on a journey of discovery. The answer isn’t the point, it’s the discovery that comes with an honest and thoughtful dialog on the many aspects.
What a list… it is fun to read the comments…
I will just have to say comment #28 bucslim… Not everyone who does not follow the Bible is Pagan. Paganism is not a bad religion. Yes there are those who claim to be and give a bad look on the religion. But that holds true with all religions. It is the flaw of humanity, not the flaw of the religion.
Bruno is my hero!
Boy I can just imagine how much controversy this list is going to cause. Can we just agree to be civil and not call other people’s religions false or stupid? Everyone has their own beliefs and calling names is just going to cause fights to break out. Religion doesn’t make sense, atheism doesn’t make sense, let’s just agree to disagree. Can’t we all just get along!? =)
Us listversers should start a religion of our own and the listbook (our version of the bible) should contain the steamiest aspects of all religions.
Mystern; see why I shut up earlier….so hear goes..
I believe that faith is a personal matter and shouldn’t be worn on the sleeve. I don’t believe I have all the answers nor does any religion. Just as long as they keep trying to figure it out, in the spirit that I believe god intended; faith, tolerance and love for our fellow man. You do realize that I’ve cut out all fundementalists by that statement. Tolerance and Love,,,thats not what they are about.
Good stuff!Does is surprise anyone that the only comeback bible believers can offer is that OUR interpretation of scripture is wrong? “Well, if you had someone explain how you should interpret this obscure text, it would be clear…” Can’t you say that about anything? That’s a cop out. That’s like arguing what the meaning of “IS” is. God should have hired someone better to write his autobiography for him!
If passages are not obvious to everyone, then how does one group KNOW for a fact their interpretation is more correct than the other’s?? It is all justification and rationalizing to support their beliefs/world-view. If this book had been written better, and the rules were clear maybe there wouldn’t be hundreds of different religious sects all with a slightly different “interpretation”. What hubris we humans have to decide what to keep and what to discard and how to interpret the Bible, if it were truly a sacred document.
Face it, all religion is circular reasoning by a group of people used to justify the world-view they happen to “want” to be true. Now let me get back to my fig pie!!
Mom429: And no mention of Truth? Why must faith be sequestered to the nether regions of a person with it never being expressed or discussed?
Mom429: And no mention of Truth? Why must faith be sequestered to the nether regions of a person with it never being expressed or discussed?
And I think you are making a gross generalization about “fundamentalists”. If by fundamentalist you mean someone who ACTUALLY believes in Jesus and wants to follow Him, I think you’re way off by that statement.
TheGreatOnan: So the bible should have been written for you personally?
Taking into account the historical circumstances, the type of writing and the intended audiences is important when interpreting the meaning of ANYTHING. Yes, anything.
In fact, I think if the bible connected anymore with modern people it would be pretty questionable if it was actually written by the people it purports to be written by. Obviously a lot has changed in the past 2000 years.
What’s truly hilarious is how people in these times think they are so smart and superior to people 3000 years ago. I can has txt messages so bibul iz stoopid.
Your great, great, great, great grandfather wasn’t stupid. When you realize that you’ve rejected his religion for your own (agnosticism, atheism, humanism, etc.) you’ll foresee that, one day, a few thousand years from now, your great, great grandchildren will roll with laughter at how stupid and simple minded you were.
By the way, Jacob was screwed over by his father in law, Laban, on several occasions and was about to be screwed over by him again. The genetic spotting that occurred allowed Jacob to leave Laban’s house with the wives, concubines, and flock of sheep he needed to appease his disgusting brother Esau, who was coming to kill him. For those of you that are laughing at spotted sheep coming from solid sheep, keep in mind that 1) genetic mutations do happen and 2)Jacob served as Laban’s shepherd for over 20 years. He knew exactly what he was doing.
So suck it, pagans.
ck: “Everyone has their own beliefs and calling names is just going to cause fights to break out. Religion doesn’t make sense, atheism doesn’t make sense, let’s just agree to disagree.”
don’t you see the problems imbedded in this type of statement. you follow saying not to call names with “religion doesn’t make sense”. isn’t that name calling?
and tolerance is the highest virtue? isn’t saying that you will not tolerate those that are intolerant slightly off-kilter?
why is it wrong to state your beliefs with authority? people have done it all over this list and only a few of those are traditionally religious beliefs. to say that religion is false and that God doesn’t exist and that the Bible is erroneous is an exclusive statement. this is what the current post-modern belief system hates, yet it is par for the course when bashing religion. to make these statements you have to have be omniscient. you have to know everything in the world to make exclusive statements about the nature of what exists and what doesn’t.
i have no problem with people doing that. but let’s not accuse the other side of being exlusive and closed minded when everyone is making statement that fall into that category.
I’m not even touching this one.
Philippians 2:9-11
Wherefore also God highly exalted him, and granted him a name, that which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of heavenly and earthly and infernal beings, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to God the Father’s glory.
Romans 14:11 For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.
1 Corintians 1:20-25
For the word of the cross is to them that perish foolishness, but to us that are saved it is God’s power. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and set aside the understanding of the understanding ones. Where is the wise? where scribe? where disputer of this world? has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world by wisdom has not known God, God has been pleased by the foolishness of the preaching to save those that believe. Since Jews indeed ask for signs, and Greeks seek wisdom; but *we* preach Christ crucified, to Jews an offense, and to nations foolishness; but to those that are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ God’s power and God’s wisdom. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
Do not mock what you do not understand,
Peace
Reminder Kids: Jesus is an imaginary friend for adults.
If you really want to know why Jesus cursed the fig tree, have a look at The Desire of Ages, by Ellen G. White. It is clearly and eloquently described.
“He came down to earth as an incarnation of Himself, to sacrifice Himself to Himself in order to forgive His people, who he made in the image of Himself, and save them from the wrath of–wait for it!!!–HIMSELF!!!”
Wow. An SDA on the site?
“We are all atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” — Stephen Roberts
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.”
–Seneca
About 15 centuries later, Edward Gibbon wrote: “The various modes of worship which prevailed in the Roman Empire were considered by the people as equally true, by the philosopher as equally false, and by the magistrate as equally useful.”
“Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich.” – Napolean Bonaparte
“When I think of the number of unpleasant people I know who claim to be going to a ‘better world’, I’m moved to lead a more sinful life.
Remember, heaven for the climate, hell for the society.”
- Samuel Langhorn Clemens
“If the Bible and my brain are both the work of the same Infinite God, whose fault is it that the book and my brain do not agree?” –Robert G. Ingersoll
I happen to enjoy the posts about tolerance and love too. I find it humorous that they exclude fundamentalists from their tolerance and love.
How very enlightened indeed.
This started with Martin Luther and others when they interpreted the Bible into common languages. In fact – for the person sitting into the pew to interpret for himself. In effect a rebellion against the Catholic hierarchy’s spoon feeding them based upon church tradition and papal directives.
Now anyone with a polyester suit, perfectly coifed hair and a pulpit can spray anything they want, and more often than not the adoring congregation slurps it all up, no questions asked. Not far behind are the requests for donations. The Bible can be interpreted many ways and for many purposes. The ‘real’ interpretation depends upon your point of view.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to dancing naked around the Druid May Pole.
ya know, maybe your work would “bear more fruit” if you brought up stories from the bible that do have a good point – there’s a lot more than 10 of those to choose from.
Scratch an American Christian and you will find that their religious conviction rests on little more than Xmas time department nativity scenes. They know jack about their religion in reality.
Take the idiotic practice of circumcision. America is the only civilized nation that practices this lunacy with about 60% of baby boys being mutilated at birth. Fortunately the tide is turning slowly against the practice. But if you talk to people in the Flyover states they will declare that the bible demands circumcision.
No it doesn’t.
Paul discusses this issue and states unequivocally that it’s a Jewish thing and that Christians need not do it.
By the way, nature designed the glans to be an internal organ. It’s supposed to be membrane like the inside of your lip and not dried out skin which is what happens to it when there is no foreskin to cover it.
For the record, even Jewish people are starting to question circumcision.
http://www.jewsagainstcircumcision.org/
http://www.jewishcircumcision.org/
Wow, interesting group of people on this site. First, please allow me to applaud whoever it was that lifted this list from cracked.com. Yes, you added a few of your own, and you changed a little of the writing….you are still a plagiarizing ass. All of baffling intellects that are continually bashing Christianity….well played. Nothing like proving your superior intellect like bashing things that you know little about and refuse to research. How many of you read all of the verses on this list out of the bible before going off on your diatribes? I’m going to venture guess that none of you have. How about you keep your hateful speech to yourselves. And the guy at the top of the list that claimed that people that take religion too seriously are either fundies or terrorist, stellar generalization. I’m good at assuming things too. I am going to venture to guess that anyone that would write those words is either is either a jackass or a retard.
Jakob, I have many years of religious schooling under my belt and can run circles around most believers when it comes to bible knowledge. See my post on circumcision above.
Long ago I decided to look for information outside of the bible which would corroborate its claims. I did so to bolster my sagging faith.
Guess what. I found nothing.
Makes you think doesn’t it?
How come no one outside the bible mentions Jesus or any of the OT events such as the flood or Exodus? The Egyptians never heard of Moses.
Even a top Israeli archaeologist admits that most of the OT stories are either outright lies or gross exaggerations.
http://archive.salon.com/books/feature/2001/02/07/solomon/print.html
jakob.taylor: ignoring your insults, I am one of the people who did read the quotes before commenting (and you will find my comments were not anti-religion) – I believe that there are true morals to be learnt from these sections of the Bible but I also believe that it is amusing to look at them out of context for the sake of humor. This list is not meant to trick people in to hating religion – it is meant to provide an amusing look at parts of the bible.
By resorting to ad hominem attacks, you make yourself as bad as the people you are attacking – it doesn’t help your cause.
I like this list, it’s different and really fascinating!
condo bondo mondo: This list is about bizarre stories from the bible. So, what point would there be in including stories with a good point? That’s another list for another time!
Bible Dude: Josephus, the Jewish historian mentions Jesus in his Antiquities of the Jews (in the early 90s AD). According to Wikipedia:
Let’s just do a quick review of bible-god.
Remember that he’s allegedly “omniscient.” This means that he knew before the beginning of time everything that would happen. Everything.
If we are to play along with this, he knew long before he created you whether you’d end up in heaven or hell.
This begs the question of why go ahead with the experiment if he knew how it would end? Does he enjoy watching suffering?
But he decided to proceed. Well the first experiment in the garden of Eden is a right disaster. So what does this “just” god do in response? I would have sent Adam & Eve to bed without supper that night and given them a second chance. Bible-god instead goes postal, evicts these two naive teens, and then to be extra sadistic, he places the Curse of Original Sin not just on them but on all of their descendants in perpetuity.
Nota bene: This deity metes out infinite punishment for finite transgressions. Moreover, he metes out collective punishment for individual acts.
The above goes against everything civilized society stands for.
Now we continue along to his next screw-up. Things continue to deteriorate in large part because of the burden of Original Sin. After all, Original Sin dooms humanity from the get-go. It doesn’t stand a chance of winning bible-god’s approval.
So what does bible-god do in response? Why he holds the very first holocaust: the Biblical Flood. Not only does he murder all people but puppies and kitties too!
Remind me again how he supposedly differs from Satan?
We continue. After re-starting with a blank canvass after the flood, things still go to pot in his creation.
This deity just can’t get it right, can he?
So what is this genius’s next idea for solving the problems in his creation? Why it’s to have an illegitimate child with a young teen whose sole purpose will be to be murdered in a gruesome blood ritual!
This is the best solution bible-god could come up with???? If I were him, I would have wiggled my nose like I Dream of Jeannie and stopped the unnecessary suffering once and for all.
Despite this alleged sacrifice of his own child, the world continued getting worse and worse. Last year a ten year old girl was raped and buried alive in Florida as bible-god watched silently from up above.
He has the power to stop these crimes. He is the only one with the power to eliminate childhood leukemia and Alzheimers and stop tsunamis and earthquakes. Yet he does nothing.
Meanwhile, believers who sound as if they were traumatized victims of Stockholm Syndrome continue to bleat on about his mercy and love!
Ha! The consensus amongst bible scholars and historians is that the vague Josephus footnote is a forgery added to his works centuries later by the church to create a paper trail for Jesus.
Sorry.
jakob, do you mind telling me where I plagiarised this list from? I did a quick search of cracked.com and the only remotely similar section was this: http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html
which only lists 3 of the bible passages I did and writes about them in a completely different way.
And this list was wasn’t meant to castigate religion. It was simply to take some passages that, while bearing some semblance of the conventions of society and belief 2-3,000 years ago, are absolutely absurd nowadays. Foreskin collecting? Talking donkeys? Magical genetics? I would hope that people can realise that these stories are not factually true and were most likely written as myths and allegories as most sensible Christians realise, and that we can all have a laugh about it now with the benefit of enlightened hindsight.
Bible Dude: the “addition” is in the earlier section referring to Jesus as “Christ” – that was almost certainly added – but he does mention Jesus and “his brother James” and no one disputes the authenticity of that. Even Origen makes mention of it (2nd and 3rd century).
JT: brilliantly put – thanks
Here’s the reality folks.
Bible-god is the creation of an ancient tribal peoples trying to make sense of the suffering and death in their world. Since they knew next to nothing of their world they concluded that they suffered because an invisible sky-pixie was punishing them for something they had done wrong.
You hear the same rationalization from battered children. “Daddy beats the crap out of me when he comes home from the bar because I’m bad and deserve it.”
Didn’t read all 161 comments before mine, but I just wanted to say that I would use this quote as a sig if I wouldn’t be instantly banned for it:
“God works in mysterious (and slightly gay) ways.”
XDDDD
I wish Bible God had the power to make Bible Dude shut his blathering pie hole.
Ah screw it, where’s my propellor hat?
His name is BibleDude, therefore he must be an authority on the Bible.
Just like if I call myself QuantumphysicsDude…well I still wouldn’t know what I’m talking about
You’re using English! Somebody already used these words! You are plagiarizing! How dare you use these words! *smites you*
JF,
Jesus was a very common name back then just as it is today in the Latino community. Most historians have concluded that the alleged footnote by Josephus to an alleged rabble rouser named Jesus is indeed a forgery added centuries later.
Bucslim,
Why do you hate free speech?
Are you a commie?
Bible Dude: that contradicts Origen and other sources from then until now – can you cite some kind of study that states what you are saying?
bibledude: i am writing these quotes down in my “atheism bible” right now. thanks.
james: the guy at my carwash is named Jesus. should I kneel to him, or will a fiver do??
all: my daughter is a practicing wiccan, and has more decency, common sense and love than any of her “christian” classmates, who are too busy trying to pick out (and pick on) anyone who’s different.
“do what thou wilt, ere it harm no one.”
From wiki as well on the Josephus reference to a “Jesus” being a forgery:
Some of the deepest concerns about the authenticity of the passage were succinctly expressed by John Dominic Crossan, in The Historical Jesus: The Life of a Mediterranean Peasant:[14] “The problem here is that Josephus’ account is too good to be true, too confessional to be impartial, too Christian to be Jewish.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josephus_on_Jesus
By the way, Crossan is a leading biblical scholar.
that contradicts Origen
_____________
What contradicts?
Bible Dude: that reference is to Jesus as “Christ” which is extremely unlikely to have been said by Josephus. Again, from the very article you cited:
One modern scholar and several recent “popular” writers are hardly convincing proof against 1900 years of scholars and writers that believe that the *other* reference to Jesus (not the Christ reference) is authentically Josephus.
See post #162.
How come believers don’t respond to the points I make in it about bible-god being a total screw-up and sadist?
Instead they demand that I shut up.
Well, we all know why.