Top 10 Most Returned Gifts
It’s the Day After Christmas, When All Through Your House,
Those Brown Monkey Socks and That Way-Too Big Blouse,
Need to Go Back to the Store Right Away,
So No One Will See You Dressed That-A-Way!
I Mean Who in Their Right Mind Would Give Such a Thing
As a Bright-Orange Tie or a Plastic Mood Ring,
So it’s Off to the Store You Head With a Dash
Wondering Aloud Why You Didn’t Get Cash.
When you have a big family like mine, it is a wonder this little mishap doesn’t happen all the time. Yes, there are lists a-plenty throughout the preceding months, however -probably similarly to your family- my parents and grandparents and steps- and -in laws like to go out on limbed tangents and get whatever they so desire. This can, and has, resulted in gift duplications that only serve to lead to irritated children who, loudly, announce, “Hey, we already got this toy the other day!” I sure hope you kept the receipt.
What ever gave you the idea that I have any intention, ever, of making pressed sandwiches? Yes, I have been the ever-proud recipient of one of these useless machines that I have used precisely this many times: 0. Unfortunately, I couldn’t return it since it was purchased from a store in another state. I still have it. Also, while we’re at it, unless it is specifically asked for, bathroom accessories are not cool gifts, since no one that I have ever seen, shy of eighty-year olds, have their washrooms decked out in lavender. No good.
Wow, how did you know I wanted my very own copy of Mega Force? Oh, thanks, now I can watch Ed as often as I want! Unless you are on an intimate-knowledge basis with your to-be gift recipient, getting a movie for him or her is a hit-or-miss prospect and, chances are, one of the two parties is going away thoroughly disappointed. Keep that Deluxe-Edition of Weekend at Bernie’s Two for your own collection.
You are treading into some seriously shark-infested waters here, pal. Now, assume for a moment that your child has taken the time to not only sketch out a perfect mock-up of the video game’s cover in his Christmas list, but also has drawn you a map to the various locales at which said game can be purchased, maybe it’s a good idea for you to follow it. He or she obviously wants this particular game enough to have politely begged you for it since Halloween, so wrapping up a copy of Sim Paint Dry is going to be the first rung on the rapidly-building ladder of disappointment that is your parenthood.
Yet another vacation into the badlands on this one, sir or madam. Just because you are not a fan of Modern Punk or Emo doesn’t necessarily mean that your sullen teen isn’t. Believe me, I understand, Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco! are, by far, more annoying than a cat in a wood chipper, but your son or daughter is infatuated with them. If you’re already nursing the head wound from the projectile that was a Billy Joel hits collection, I suggest a return trip to the mall.
Sometimes your favorite aunt, or step-mother, goes a little bonkers and decides to pick you up a fine new pair of kicks for Christmas. Oh, but aren’t their intentions just the sweetest? You can count on one finger the number of times you’ve worn Zips. But, to the fashion-blind that are your relatives, these particular shoes are what are ‘in’ and ‘hip’. But after opening then, all your kid wants to do is kick hr in the hip. Glad that receipt is taped to the box, Nana.
So you’ve been married for 10 years? Congratulations! You went right out and got your spouse a toaster for Christmas, huh? Nice. Don’t be surprised if you find divorce papers in your stocking.
Do you see those tattered rags all in black that your kid ‘wears’ to school? Have you even noticed, shy of just in passing, that your daughter is wearing leggings and denim mini-skirts with a Green Day T-shirt? Hmm… well, maybe that’s your problem. If you are going to get your children clothes for Christmas, I’d suggest rifling through their rooms and copying exactly what you see there. Or, better yet, gift certificates to Hot Topic.
2. Age-Inappropriate Toys
Do you, as I do, have that loony Grandmother, somewhere deep in her eighties, who believes that her great-grandchildren are forever 2, even when some of them are 6? Yeah, I thought so. Well, unfortunately, there is really not much to be done about it since the chances she even remembers your name, let alone where the receipts are, are pretty slim. Luckily, many stores will grant you with credit and you can then return that 18-month age-appropriate toy for something more fitting for your twelve-year old.
1. Something You Just Plain Didn’t Want
More often than not, you are just going to get a whole bunch of crap that you will never, in a million years, look at twice again, not to mention even use. There is just no room in your life for an Ant Farm, a year-supply of various Salves, or a creepy wooden Jesus clock. Find that receipt but quick and get yourself something nice.